Angel s04e06 Episode Script

NARRATOR: Previously on Angel: Who am I? FRED: You might have some kind of amnesia.
Cordelia's shacking up with your hell spawn.
You're going back to him, aren't you? FRED: It was Professor Seidel.
He sent me to Pylea.
- He's gonna pay.
- He's gonna die.
Back out if you think Gunn's right.
Charles doesn't have it in him.
It's what I love about him.
Fred, no! You kill him, I'm gonna lose you.
- The professor? - It's taken care of.
Were we in love? [SINGING "THE WAY WE WERE".]
Youth, is there anything more magical? A time of first loves, great discoveries.
Let's face it, youth is it.
It's a national obsession, crazy cats.
But somewhere, people all forget what a mess youth is.
It's a time of magic, all right.
And there's nothing more unreliable or annoying than magic.
Let me tell you a little story.
It starts with a kid.
LORNE: No, actually, it really starts here.
Were we in love? Hm.
- Were we? - What? In love.
With each other? - Lf you start giving me the runaround - I'm not.
I'm not! - Then tell me the truth.
- I don't know.
- You don't know? - Well, I'm not sure.
I think that's the sort of thing I'd remember.
Hey, maybe you wrote it down somewhere.
A note on the fridge maybe? I had feelings for you.
And I thought that maybe you But you never told me.
You asked me to meet you to talk and I never saw you again.
- And you think I wanted to tell you I was in love with you.
- I don't think you're ready Or maybe I was gonna tell you to back off, buddy.
Maybe you were coming on too strong.
Harassing me in the workplace.
Maybe I had a red-hot restraining order in my mitts.
- You ever think of that? - It was never in the workplace.
I Well, there was that one time with the ballet and the stripping and the roundness, but that was a spell! And we were meeting on the bluffs.
That's a romantic restraining order! You're yelling at me! I'm not.
See, this is why I don't wanna answer questions I don't have the answers for.
All I know is that you were my dearest friend.
And I hope that I just I want that back.
That much, at least.
You have no idea how much this is killing me.
I know my ABC's, my history.
I know who's president, and that I sort of wish I didn't.
I know the name of every shoe store in the Beverly Center but I don't I don't even recognize the sound of my own name.
We'll get you back, no matter what.
Look, I promise you we will get you back.
Who is "we," paleface? I'm the one out there doing all the legwork.
Well, it's really more lap-work, because guess what just fell into it.
- What? - A memory spell provided by one of my clients, guaranteed to bring our Cordy back to the way she was.
- Guaranteed? - No pain, no side effects.
I'm telling you, swingers, there's no way this can fail.
So I'm an idiot.
What are you, perfect? Spin the Bottle Well, I had every reason to believe this spell would work.
And it did, after a fashion.
What happened during it and what came after Ooh.
I'm gonna need a bigger drink.
But the spell was legit, straight up.
I had it off this wraith.
Sweet girl.
Not overly tangible, but she deals in memory spells professionally.
And she swears that with the right mix we can stop this talking and cut to the Cordelia Chase in two ticks of a ticking thing.
I don't know.
Spells, I don't trust them.
And I don't care.
I'm in! - Cordy, can we just? - I don't care.
Pain, side effects, this thing turns me into moussaka I'm happy, as long as I can remember I'm moussaka.
Don't worry, princess.
I've got all the ingredients lined up.
As soon as we gather the six, we'll be good to go.
The six what? Tell Emil, if it tests all right in the field [PHONE RINGING.]
he'll be hearing from me again.
Yeah, okay.
He'll be thrilled.
Price here.
Yes.
Lorne, I said yes.
I'll be there right away.
If it works, it's worth doing.
All right.
Is everything? Uh, is everyone there? No.
No, I was just wondering if everything was all right with Fred.
[KNOCKING.]
What do you want? Oh, good, symbols on the floor.
That always goes well.
Check your sarcasm at the door, pouty-britches.
This is for Cordy.
I just don't want no portals opening around here.
Had enough of that crap.
Sorry, Lorne.
We really have had a whole lot of that crap.
Yeah.
Well, my parade is rain-proofed, baby doll.
My first reading since my head got drilled and I find a spell that's going to bring our little Cordy right back to us.
[SPEAKING PYLEAN.]
WESLEY: Did I miss the spell? Did English go away? LORNE: No, it's Pylean, crumpet.
I said, "I may be prepared to shout a joyful chant.
" And I said, "May your words please the gods.
" Are you all right? Did you? It's done.
First, she didn't say, "May your words please the gods" so much as, "May you orally please the gods," which is a slight Inflection's very crucial in our God bless her.
It's always nice to hear the mother tongue.
As long as it's not from my mother.
Is this on? Secondly I didn't know a couple hours ago Fred tried to kill her professor by opening a portal.
Gunn didn't know that Wesley had helped her.
And Wesley didn't know Gunn had killed the guy to save Fred from becoming a killer.
And Fred didn't know that Gunn was right then figuring out that Wesley had helped her try.
So you can see, I didn't have all the facts when I started this.
It's my job to read people, but nobody in this clan was exactly singing.
And me? Hey, I was thinking about Cordelia.
ANGEL: Hey.
- Oh.
Oh, sorry.
I wanted to clean up.
Connor and I, not exactly staying at the Mondrian.
- How is he? - He's 18.
He's a mess.
There's a lot of pain in him.
I think it helps, having me there.
Good.
That's good.
We're almost ready.
I'll be downstairs.
So you're perfectly okay with just wandering into my room any old time? That fits the "we were in love" theory and the "harassment" theory pretty much equally.
Well hopefully that'll all be answered soon.
GUNN: So I guess I'm the muscle, huh? Sorry? Angel's the man on the card.
It's his world.
Not a leader no more.
Don't got that champion's heart like Cordy.
The brains, that was you.
So that leaves muscle.
What about Fred? Well, that's the question, isn't it? She's pretty brainy too.
Maybe you two are kindred souls.
Maybe that's why she went to you for help getting revenge on that professor.
Killing takes brains.
I did what you weren't prepared to do.
You have no idea what I've What I would do for her.
Is there some reason I should need to know? You think I don't smell this a mile off? You think I don't know why you keep coming back here? Because you keep needing my help.
I'm gonna say this once.
You move on Fred, and I'm gonna put you down hard.
I'm glad to see you have such faith in your relationship.
- Keep pushing.
- You think you could get out of my way? No, what if? Not all of us have muscle to fall back on.
What happened to you, man? I had my throat cut and all my friends abandoned me.
LORNE: Okay, eyes on the bottle.
We come in supplication and hope.
Bring her back.
What's going on? I feel a little What's happening to us? This is important.
It's so beautiful.
[RETCHES.]
We'll just wait to see if there are any side effects.
What's happening? We can't just We have to No! Okay what the hell is going on here? What's your name? I'm Cordelia Chase, dumb-ass.
And if this is some sort of sophomore hazing prank, where I get doped up and left with a bunch of proto-Losers then my parents are suing all of Sunnydale.
Comprende? What the hell are you talking about? It's called kidnapping a minor, Hair Club for Men.
If you think for a second I'm putting up with this well, you don't know Cordelia Cordelia.
Hello, salty goodness.
WESLEY: All right, hang on.
You're Cordelia Chase you're a high-school student, you live in Sunnydale? Right.
- So who are you? - The guy that's gonna be kicking ass somebody don't tell what's going on.
- For short? Does anyone here recognize anyone? Um, I'm Fred Burkle.
I'm also in school, in San Antone.
Oh, we're both in school.
Oh, gosh, let's be best friends so I can lose all my cool ones! WESLEY: There's no call to be snippety.
This is a clarion call for snippety, Princess Charles.
It's Wesley, thank you, Wyndam-Price.
I am from the Watcher's Academy in southern Hampshire.
In fact, I happen to be head boy.
Gee, I wonder how you earned that nickname.
A lot of effort, I don't mind saying.
- Gunn.
- Where? Me, that's my name.
The short version.
WESLEY: Ah.
What school do you attend? So we've heard from the socially handi-capable.
What's your story? Mad.
You're all mad.
These clothes.
Your speech.
This place.
What land is this? - Where's it supposed to be? - Where do you hail from, friend? I'm not your friend, English pig.
We never wanted you in Ireland.
We don't want you now.
- You Irish? - You don't sound Irish.
I most certainly I sound exactly Something wrong with my voice.
Well, what's your name? Liam.
Great, we've all got names.
Bye now.
I wouldn't be so quick, Miss Chase, to leave.
Clearly, we're all the victims of some nefarious scheme.
I'll lay odds that door is bolted shut.
- And who knows what peril lies outside.
- English pig.
- English pig.
WESLEY: Before we do anything I suggest we gather as much information as we can.
- And I suggest we gather some cops.
- Whoa! I don't want no heat near me.
I don't think we should call the police anyhow.
They're probably involved.
- In what? - Don't y'all think this is some government conspiracy? My friend Levon says the government's always taking kids and experimenting on them.
Did anybody else have to take a personality-disorder test recently? They ask you about politics, your bowel movements, if you want to be a florist.
Okay, Scarlett O' please-shut-me-up.
Does anyone sane have a theory? There's conspiracies, y'all don't even know.
I got no problem with the idea the man is messing with us.
The important thing is to start with the facts.
We're all from different cities.
We're all of an age Judging from the facial hair I've grown, we've been unconscious at least a month.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God! My hair.
My hair! - The government gave me bad hair! - No, no, it's nice! - Yes, it's just the thing.
- Are you sure? It's very attractive.
But a clue, nonetheless.
- Perhaps the point of this is hair.
- I vote he's not in charge.
It's the devil.
It's the devil.
My hair? My father said I was a sinner, that I'd come to a bad end.
- Now I've come to hell.
- Well, hell's a lot nicer than my place.
[CORDELIA MOANS.]
It appears to be some sort of hotel.
Well, maybe it's Motel Hell.
Well, let's get the lay of the place.
Don't be giving me orders.
I run my own crew.
I'm sure your seafaring adventures are interesting, but I have experience of things you couldn't imagine.
I'm not head boy for nothing.
- You're about to be headless boy.
- Intimidation.
Points for effort.
Perhaps a little karate technique will put you in your place.
[GASPS.]
What the hell is that? - A clue! - That a wooden stake you got? Apparently, yes.
Which changes the scenario quite a bit.
I didn't get one.
Nobody got one except English here.
Why? I don't know.
I suggest we look about for weapons of some kind.
Yeah, that part works.
[FRED GASPS.]
[SCREAMING.]
All right, nobody scream! - Or touch my arms.
- Well I think I found another clue.
GUNN: She's not wrong.
CORDELIA: Okay, this is even less funny.
What the hell is that? ANGEL: I knew it.
It's the devil.
Why is the devil sleepy? - This ain't your business, kid.
CONNOR: No.
This is my bad mood.
This is my business.
Are you hurt? They were gonna kill me.
Bastards.
- Well, you're safe now.
- Whoa, whoa! Hey, baby you saved my life.
Don't you want your reward? I can give you a nice reward.
Uh Yeah, okay.
You got 50 bucks? What for? You got nothing.
- Wait! Hey, I saved you.
- You still don't ride free, junior.
Why don't you run home to Mama? Maybe she'll give you a treat for being such a good boy.
LORNE: Classy girl.
And poor Connor.
Engine revving and stuck in park.
Well, enough about him.
Meanwhile, guess what I'm doing for fun? I say we cut his head off.
He may have information we need.
When he wakes up We don't know if this tape is gonna hold him.
I say, cut his head off.
- Thank you, Marie Antoinette.
- What'd you call me? Hey, hey.
You two wanna pause the homoerotic, buddy-cop session Long enough to explain this? Wooden stakes, a guy with horns.
And neither of you seems that surprised when things just keep getting weirder.
They really are.
Have you got any weed? All right, I'm going to let you all in on something you may have trouble comprehending.
- But I assure you that however - Vampires are real.
- I was telling! - Vampires are all over L.
A.
I been fighting them my whole life.
- That creature's a vampire? - No, never seen nothing like that.
I have! It's a demon.
Probably of the Karathmamanyuhg family.
You see, some of us have slightly broader experience How do you kill it? Well, I know this breed is nocturnal and feeds on roots or possibly human effluvia.
And it's a horned race - So you know jack.
- They're nocturnal.
- I'm gonna get me an axe.
- Hold on.
- Don't matter what it is.
- It looks wrong, it dies.
- Not till we find out Oh! Quit it! - Ow! Get off my - Watch the arms! Watch the arms! Are you gonna stop them? About time the English got what's coming.
I'm rooting for the slave.
I know I'm still unconscious during this part but can you believe these mooks? [GRUNTING.]
Enough, okay? If head cheese here has a theory, then let's hear it! There are stories at the Watcher's Academy of a test a secret gauntlet which only the most cunning can survive.
You're locked in a house with a vicious deadly vampire, and you have to kill him before he kills you.
- It's been done in the past with slayers.
- Slayer? The band? No, it The point is, this could be a test.
The weapons, the maze-like locale, the innocent civilians and a mysterious Karathmamanyuhg demon.
- It's a test! - I ain't a civilian.
- I been killing vamps since I was 12.
- Which only supports my theory.
You must be here in an advisory capacity.
I think I'm here in a chop-that-head-off capacity.
- I don't give a damn about no test.
- Are you always this grouchy? When I wake up with insane white folks trying to tell me what to do.
The day I take orders from guys like you is the day I Not even gonna happen.
CORDELIA: Keep explaining why we're not walking out that door.
Because they did something to us.
They changed us.
You mean this is about my hair? I sort of see his point.
Not one of y'all looks exactly 17.
It's like time's been pushed forward, like we missed a bunch of years.
I kind of have filled out even more.
And I apparently ain't gonna.
I feel cold inside.
This is so unfair! I'm a craggy 20-something? What about prom? Could be that demon put a whammy on us.
So you think if we kill this vampire, they'd take off the spell whammy and we can go back to being ourselves? - And never see each other again? - We can go about our business.
- And never see each other again? GUNN: Great.
So we go vamp hunting.
This place looks pretty big.
I say two groups.
Great.
I'm going with tall, dark and "slightly less pathetic than you two.
" - We'll try the rooms.
- We'll look downstairs.
But remember, if you find the vampire, it's a vicious animal.
Just try to draw him toward us.
Don't worry.
We'll win this day, I assure you.
I'm ready.
I'm okay.
It'd be cooler if we could score some weed, though.
God, there's like a million rooms.
[MUSIC PLAYING FROM RADIO.]
Minstrels.
How did? You stopped the tiny men from singing.
You really are far from home, aren't you? I tell you, if I get through this, I'm gonna have a great cup of ale.
I don't care what Father says it does to you.
Maybe we should just sit tight and let the vampire experts deal with this thing.
I'm sorry for acting so womanish.
- Oh, you're not - Really not womanish.
- And you're very sweet.
You don't know the half of it.
What is it about danger that makes Makes your blood just What's wrong? Nothing.
Excuse me.
- I'm invisible.
- No, you're not.
Oh, excuse me.
- What's going on? - I'm almost finished.
I'm a vampire.
They're gonna kill me.
Well, those were some exciting products.
Am I right? [AUDIENCE CLAPPING.]
Mm.
Let's all think about buying some of those.
But if I can bring it down a moment.
Is there anything worse than feeling like you're all alone? Like you're the only person in the world who thinks how you do and if anyone else found out they'd drive a pointy wooden thing through your heart? And as for our fearless vampire killers I just don't think we should be ruling out the idea of aliens.
I mean, he is a greenish sort of fella.
And us being asleep all that time.
I mean, think about it a minute.
They could have been doing heaven knows what.
I can just see myself lying on a table no clothes, no will, while they probed and explored and did whatever they wanted to my naked, helpless body.
- It's horrible.
- Horrible, yes.
But I assure you, this is demonic work.
And they're not nearly so exploratory.
Don't be afraid.
Ain't nothing here.
It's getting old.
Well, let's not give up probe.
Hope, give up hope.
We're not - Any luck? - Saw no vampires of any kind anywhere.
WESLEY: Did you check every room? - The ones that wanted turn-down service.
There's five floors.
My feet hurt.
- You finish.
- This is a waste of time.
I agree.
There's nothing here.
This place is evil.
I think that I should leave now because of the evil.
- Don't be a fool! - Good luck, all.
- So we're all locked in, huh? - Excuse me.
Did I just get the brush off? Did a guy just bail on me? There really is some sort of horrible spell.
Do you think Liam's okay out there? Something's eating him, at least he ain't as bored as me.
Joke all you like.
Liam, right now, may be facing horrors he's never even imagined.
[HORNS HONKING.]
FRED: Liam! - Demons! - Really? Told you.
- How many? - Hundreds, screaming.
- Will they try to get in? - I don't think they saw me.
I guess we really better solve this puzzle.
- What type of demons, would you say? - Shiny.
Yep, I still got it.
So we gotta check the rooms? Because I'm bored just saying it.
Wouldn't the vampire be coming after us anyhow? Aren't we vittles? WESLEY: And he should be starving.
But I also happen to think that further searching would be pointless.
I think the council has been far cleverer than I imagined.
- Ooh.
How? - Yeah, speech, speech.
Five people, each unknown to each other, far from home trapped together at night.
I submit that the bloodsucking fiend may be closer than we dared suspect.
- It may be - I'll search the rooms.
- I was getting to the good part! - Can't just wait for the vampire.
- I'll just flush him out and - That it may be one of us! - Ugh.
You're kidding.
WESLEY: Would that I were, Miss Chase.
But the simple fact is the fiend has been under our noses the entire time waiting for the moment to strike! See? The English is stupid.
Let's have a different theory.
I'm not quite finished.
I think it's only fair that everyone has a turn.
The cross obviously doesn't affect me or our friend the pugilist.
Oh, your ass better pray I don't look that word up.
[SIGHS.]
See? No vampire here.
I'm just like the rest of you.
[SMOLDERING.]
- Does anyone else here? - Look, the devil's awake! [GROANING.]
Don't get too close! Oh, guys.
Hey, that was quite a whammy.
A trip through the transitive nightfall of diamonds, if you know what I mean.
- It speaks madness.
- Hey, here's a funny sidebar.
I'm tied to a chair, again! What the hell's going on? We were hoping you would enlighten us, spawn of evil.
Oh, dear.
I'm starting to suspect my sure-fire, hit spell closed out of town.
Did anything go right? Anything? Did Cordy at least get her memory back? Just tell us where the vampire is, fiend.
What are you talking about? There aren't any vampires here.
Well, I mean, except for our boy here.
Lying devil-man.
Oh, like my spell made you not a vampire anymore? - My magic isn't that - Shut your mouth! Ow! - It's not He just - Well, a mystery solved.
Explains the lame-ass cover story about being Irish too.
Is this a convenient time to point out you left me alone with him, genius? - Well, I never touched her.
- So clearly, deviant.
- I'm not! - Vampires are all the same, my friend.
- There's nothing human about them.
- Right.
You ain't a person.
- Just dust.
- I don't wanna hurt anyone.
- What do we do? - Don't fear.
It's under control.
Are you sure? [GRUNTS.]
Sorry.
I mean, ha! ANGEL: You want a vampire, then? I guess I'm your man.
I guess I'll start feeding on your corpses, starting with the girls.
So who's gonna be the first course? Hard to choose between you two girls.
What do you mean, it's hard? I mean, she's the tasty one.
Look at her.
Half of her is neck! Miss Chase, Miss Burkle run.
ANGEL: It baffles me.
You liked me so much before.
Now I can't even get a little kiss? I can see you.
I seem to be strong too, and fast! It's not so bad, this vampire thing.
Well, I've got a super power of my own, hotshot.
What's that now? [SCREAMING.]
That really is inhuman.
But what good do you really think that could? Yes, that one! Kill that one, please! - Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
- Why did he attack you? Well, who wouldn't? Look, you're a wee bit chess club for my usual beat but you kill that freak and you're getting a big reward.
- You mean it? - Hoo doggy.
I'm a bit tired of being bullied.
[GASPS.]
LORNE: Um, sweetie? - Huh? Can I take a minute of your time? We have a huge problem.
- But I can solve it.
- Why should I trust you? Because we're buddies, Freddikans.
We did a spell, it went wrong, but we can make it right.
Is the bottle still there? On the floor, in the circle? You mean those bitty bits of broken glass? Oh, balls.
Well, we can still do it, maybe one at a time.
You just gotta untie me first.
I don't know.
Oh, Fred.
Look into your heart.
Am I evil? You're stronger than the rest.
Are you not a vampire yourself, then? - You don't remember? - I remember waking up here in this madhouse with that fine lot of hypocrites.
- Hypocrites? - I'm supposed to be evil but they attack me without cause.
Gang up on me because I'm different.
- They're as bad as my father.
- Fathers don't they suck? - Say one thing, then: "Be good.
Fear God.
Do as you're told!" And the whole while, I know he's had his share of sinning.
Sounds kind of like my father.
- Is he a self-righteous bastard? - You'd be amazed.
- You're afraid to fight me? - Truth to tell, I'm not much for fighting.
I'd rather be satisfying my sinful urges with the Chase girl.
- You keep the hell away from her.
- Oh, the girl's yours, then? That's right.
She never did mention you when we were alone Hurry up, I'm nervous.
Okay, okay.
Oh, Lord.
- Well, did it work? - Wait! Are you happy now? I didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask to be attacked.
I didn't ask to be a freak.
Hell, I didn't even ask to be born.
Wait.
What do you want? Another beating? Oh, I so almost had you.
- Not in a dream.
- Hold it! Nobody kill anybody! Please? So all's well that ends well, right, kiddies? But since nothing ended all that well, I guess I gotta say that, well nothing was well.
See, none of us knew it then but the sequence of events was a little different than we thought.
It went more like this.
Well it's been a long night for everyone.
I hope you've enjoyed my tale so much that you tip your waitresses with obnoxious abandon.
MAN: Finish it! Always leave them wanting more, kiddo.
That's the rule.
Anyway, I've got no more to tell.
Applause, applause.
I got a Sea Breeze that's gonna leave with someone else if I don't get to her.
So you kids be good and go home, hug your families while you can.
And stay away from the magic.
Trust me.
Cordy.
I can't.
Angel, I'm sorry.
You remember.
I remember all of it.
All of it.
And I have to be alone.
Please.
For a while.
It's too I Cordelia.
Were we in love? We were.