Angie Tribeca (2016) s04e03 Episode Script

Joystick Luck Club

1 It's called "eSports," and it's real.
Professional video gamers going head-to-head as a stadium full of people watch.
- [Crowd shouts "BoneDevil"] - Oh, and here he comes, the defending "Voyage Quest" champion BoneDevil666.
Let's see if we can get a word.
Mr.
Devil! Mr.
Devil! Can I get two words from you? Uh, sure.
Yes.
A win for you today would bring your team one step closer to the world championships in Pyongyang.
Are you feeling the pressure? The Big Bone dominates "Voyage Quest.
" That's an undisputed fact.
And anyone who gets in his way is gonna be looking at the business end of a Complainium Broadsword.
- No more questions.
- What? Hey, hey, hey.
Can I get your autograph? Oh, yeah, sure.
Who should I, uh, make it out to? - [Crowd gasps] - Barbara: Oh, my God! BoneDevil666 has just been ruthlessly attacked! [Crying] Why? Why? Why? Why? [Gunshot] Atkins: BoneDevil666 is the nom de guerre of 22-year-old professional gamer Paul Boneson.
[Horn honking] Sorry, Murphy.
Above your pay grade.
Come on, Hoffman! [Curtain slides] Boneson plays a game called "Voyage Quest" for a professional gaming team known as SharkSpark.
The attack, which you're seeing now, has taken his fingers out of the running for the world championships.
Sir, I thought we were taking cases outside of law enforcement, like international espionage and haunted trains? Damn it, Mom.
Your unique brand of skepticism is gonna tear this team apart! Fortunately, I anticipated Tribeca's rock-hard cynicism.
Therefore, this briefing will be given by the director of the Special Division Force himself - [Brakes squeak] - Vice President Joe Perry.
[Door opens] BoneDevil666 is the nom de guerre of a 22-year-old gamer named Paul Sorry, Joe.
I-I covered that.
You were further down the road than I thought.
Did Tribeca show her unique brand of skepticism? That's exactly where we are.
The video gaming industry brings more money into the U.
S.
economy than missiles, oil, and coffee-cup sleeves combined.
If a foreign entity wants to disrupt that industry, we wanna know about it, and ideally, we wanna stop it.
You know what I just heard you say? "I'm sending you to prison for 20 years.
" Oh, my God.
Are you still on that? It's been like 20 years.
You locked me up and threw away the key! I didn't know that was the only copy! Look, Tribeca, that was a different time.
Back then, putting people in jail was all the rage, and I guess I just jumped on the bandwagon.
All I care about is the safety of this nation.
That's why I brought you on board, because I knew I could count on you.
So, can I count on you to care about the safety of our nation? Yes, sir.
All right, then.
BoneDevil666 is recovering in a hospital bed in Little Rock, Arkansas.
It's the gaming capital of the United States.
Find out who attacked him and why.
And even though everything you're doing will be perfectly legal, don't tell anyone anything, unless you follow up with, "Just kidding.
" - [Monitor beeping] - [Indistinct talking over P.
A.
] [Groans] So, you didn't get a look at the guy who attacked you? I just remember he was wearing a ski mask.
Lose the attitude, you little prick.
Now, it's gonna be painful, but I wanna get your fingers moving.
[Scoffs] [Groans] I can't do it.
Who are these people? What are they doing here? We're trying to get to the bottom of who attacked Mr.
Boneson.
A better question might be, "Who are you?" And an even better question might be, "If prostitution is the oldest profession in the world, who earned the money to pay for the first prostitute?" I'm Becky Bunnker, and it's obvious what happened.
Someone, who probably doesn't stand for the national anthem, didn't want him to become world champion.
Yeah, well, it doesn't seem like Mr.
Jelly Fingers over here even cares about the world championships.
You couldn't be more wrong.
"Voyage Quest" is his life.
I don't know who told you otherwise.
Actually, Beck, I'm just done with this whole thing.
I think I'm just gonna get a job teaching animals to play video games.
You don't know what you're saying, BoneDevil.
We had plans, right? We were gonna buy that Fuddruckers with your winnings.
[Cellphone rings] - [Cellphone beeps] - Tribeca.
- Right away, sir.
- [Cellphone beeps] This just in the attacker turned himself in to Little Rock PD.
He's at the station now.
Well, don't you think we should have a word with him before somebody else does? How much longer do I have to wait here? I'm trying to confess to a crime! Take a number.
- Yo, pastrami, please.
- Coming up.
[Police radio chatter] [Indistinct conversations] [Engine starts] [Chuckles] [Grunts] I want answers.
And I want 'em now! [Grunting] [Slurps] [Sighs] Just do it.
Just get it over with.
We just wanna know what happened.
They're gonna come after me, man.
They're gonna kill you because of what you did to Paul Boneson? Yes! [Whispers] To keep me quiet! Do you know them? [Normal voice] It's my team.
It's SharkSpark.
They're me.
I'm them.
Why would SharkSpark wanna go after its own players? It's all about coins, man.
All they want is coins.
"They"? The company? It's the company working with the gamers, working with the Mafia, working with the CIA, working with a temp agency.
This is a riddle wrapped in a sudoku tied up with a crossword suspended over the jumble.
And they're gonna come after me.
I'm a dead man.
Look, we're gonna keep you safe.
You can't keep me safe from them.
We're supposed to try.
Why don't we take him to a motel, sit with him till he calms down? You sure? W-We don't even really know what's going on.
Well, you said it yourself, it's a stupid case.
You have nothing to worry about.
I won't let you out of my sight.
I'm gonna run in for some beer real quick.
You want anything? Could you please hurry?! Yeah, totally.
I'll be right back.
[Mid-tempo music plays on radio] [Breathing heavily] [Screams] Should I get this ski mask? - [Panting] - Ah, you know what? I'm never gonna use this.
[Breathing heavily] [Screams] Crazy sale on knives, dude! You want one?! Aaah! I'm getting you one.
[Panting] [Whirring] [Screams] Yo! They're doing free tank rides! - You gotta try it! - Aaaah! Shit.
Right.
The beer.
[Panting] [Knock on window] [Sighing] Oh.
Finally.
Can we get out of here? All right! [Groans] Here we go! [Sighs] Ah, no need, dude.
Beer's on me.
[Chuckles] You're a Fudgsicle.
You're a Creamsicle.
You're a Bomb Pop.
- You're lactose intolerant.
- [Children screaming] Hey! Hey! A man died here! Have a little respect! I want answers! I found something.
What the hell is that? It's like a dollar, but not.
No, no, no.
It's got too many colors.
It's a Euro.
Maybe fake money from a board game? Look at this seam of silver going through it.
It's a Euro.
It's money they use in Europe.
Whatever it is, it scares the hell out of me.
I can slip this to a contact I have at the Mint, off the record.
So, we have a kid carrying some kind of spooky money in his pocket [Sternly] A Euro.
Someone needs to go undercover with this SharkSpark Gaming team.
I'll do it.
Mom, you've never played a video game in your life.
- I played Simon.
- That's not a video game! It had a battery.
No, it needs to be me.
Right, the one good thing about being abandoned at the age of two is that every foster home I was placed in had a different video game system.
A.
J.
's our man.
No.
No, no, no.
It's too dangerous.
I must've missed the meeting where you decide which missions I go on and which I don't! It was on the calendar.
I am not saying this as your mother.
I am saying this as somebody who has 30 years of experience! 20 of which were behind bars, so Aah! You listen to me, you little punk - Hey! Break it up! - You stay out of this! Hey! Hands off the big man! Everybody's picking on Tribeca, and I don't like it! Break it up! Where's A.
J.
? What do you want, idiot? Heard you're down a couple gamers.
Thanks, Google News Alert.
What else you got for me? Well, just so happens I'm looking for a new team.
Sorry, new phone.
Who dis? Look, we both know gold coins are where it's at, bro.
Just so happens, I just took second place at the Slovenian "Voyage Quest" Championships with over 10 million gold coins.
Slovenia? That's hardcore.
BaguetteBardot1-800-555-1212 won that, didn't she? You don't beat BaguetteBardot.
Not on her worst day.
Come on in.
[Video game sound effects playing] Have a seat, grab a headset.
You can show us what you got.
Oh.
You want a little something to get your engine running before I check you out? Uh I don't recognize that brand.
That's 'cause it's illegal, bitch.
It's strawberry lemonade mixed with horse adrenalin.
They used to give it to the NASA monkeys to keep them awake in space.
Well, sure, I'll try it.
[Chuckles] [Grunts] Whoo! [Distorted voices] [Chuckles] Okay, so, all you gotta do is craft a spear, kill a Lesser Nerblet, and raid his hut for the coins.
That sounds easy! Yeah.
Right.
Huh? Huh? Now do it.
Well, why stop there? Tie my hands.
And go.
[ Chiming] My hut! My coins! Done! You can have Ozzy's room.
[Sighs] Whoo.
[Sighs] We haven't seen Ozzy for a couple days, so I guess all this stuff is yours now.
Hey, man, is that the bathroom? 'Cause this horse adrenaline is going right through me.
Yeah, don't freak out if you fill up the whole bowl, okay? Welcome to SharkSpark.
[Chuckles] [Water running] Hello? You got a bad washer in here.
I should have one in my truck.
Okay.
Thanks.
So, you're the new number one around here? - Looks that way.
- Hmm.
Being number one comes with certain perks.
And what are those? Full medical, dental, and optical coverage, including one pair of free glasses per year.
Ooh.
Designer brands included? Oh, yes.
Sounds like I'm gonna be well taken care of.
Oh, I almost forgot.
You get a free team shirt.
Do I get the team bra? Let's see how good of a player you are.
Becky: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! You're amazing! You wanna give it a shot? No, I don't understand these games.
I just like to watch.
Ooh, grab the coins.
Grab the coins! What is it with you people and the coins? That's not how you win! God, this mattress sucks! This What the hell? - [Grunts] - Aah! [Body thuds] Ah! [Breathing heavily] Please don't kill me! What is it with you people and getting killed?! He's crazy! He'll stop at nothing! - Who? - You don't understand.
This is so much bigger than No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait.
Don't start that.
Just let me think.
Gold coins.
Everybody wants gold coins.
And this kid somehow's got piles of fake money.
I-It's gotta be connected! It is connected! I can tell you Would you shut up for a second? I'm trying to piece this thing together.
What if it isn't fake money? Wait, what if it's real money and the coins are He's laundering money through the ga Can you just be quiet for five seconds?! Okay, so, you got fake money going in, real money coming back.
Ooh! It's laundering! Of course! BoneDevil, he he doesn't want to collect coins, so he's useless, so Ozzy takes him out, but Ozzy's got a big mouth, so they take Ozzy out.
- Ozzy's dead?! - Can you just shush?! You need to protect me! 'Cause if he thinks I talked, he's Look, I am definitely good at protecting people.
You don't need to worry about that.
But I need to meet this big guy who's running everything.
Absolutely not! No way! Come on! There's no way I can finish it.
It's an international money-laundering scheme.
The money changes hands through the gold coins in "Voyage Quest.
" Oh, and those weird paper rectangles we found, they're called Euros.
This is from my buddy at the Mint.
They're called Euros.
[Glass shatters] Oh, and Becky, who was BoneDevil's girlfriend, but is now my girlfriend I'll get to that in a second she's gonna arrange a meet-up with the head - of the whole operation.
- Tribeca: That's great.
We'll go in as a team, fully armed No, no, no, no.
It has to be only me.
No, we All right, just don't let your guard down because some floozy let you jiggle her love button.
You can't push someone else's button in this game.
You can in Simon.
All right, everybody.
Just stop.
All right, A.
J.
It's all you.
Yeah! [French accent] Come in, come in.
Pay no attention to the rainbow! [Sighs] So beautiful, don't you think? Fireball! Bienvenue, welcome.
My name is Pierre Cardin.
And I hear that you are the new Chef des Jeux Vidéos.
Uh, uh, yeah, I guess.
I mean, some people think I'm pretty good.
[Laughs] "Pretty good"? Pretty good, mon Dieu! But you delight me with your modesty.
He's actually one of the best I've ever seen.
Hmm.
You know, people love to throw around this word "best" Best Buy, Seattle's Best Coffee, This Country's Best Yogurt.
But these are just words, no? Would you be willing to, say stake your life on the fact that you are the best? I-I'm not sure I follow.
This is the latest in VR gaming.
You will be completely, totally immersed in the virtual landscape of "Voyage Quest.
" You will not only see and hear everything around you, but this is also what we call total biological simulation, or total BS.
- Wouldn't that be TBS? - [Chuckles] Very funny.
What I mean to say is, that this game will connect to your central nervous system.
Whatever the avatar experiences in the game, the game player will experience, as well.
If, for example, your avatar were to die, the human controller will die, as well.
[Coughs] Mom? Jesus Christ.
A.
J.
, get out of there! All right.
Let's give this a whirl.
Now, how how exactly do you make this - [Whirring] - Aah! [Groans] The game is now connected to your spinal cord.
How Oh.
Okay.
- Uh - [Beeping] Okay, so, you got tennis, Ping-Pong Keep scrolling down.
"Voyage Quest.
" Now hit the virtual "start" button.
Uh, okay.
[ Fanfare] I'm in! Wow! It's so real.
I-I-I can I can feel the breeze through my - [Thuds] - Aah! Ow! Becky, what the hell?! BaguetteBardot? The world's best gamer.
[French accent] Enchanté.
Cardin: Obviously, the only way for me to actually know if you are the best is for you to play my champion.
So, the rules will be as follows If Baguette wins, well you die.
But if you win, I will allow you to arrest me for money laundering and international espionage, Angela Geils Jr.
[Gasps] He's made.
He's made! I don't like this! We wasted an entire half-sandwich! Scholls, you have to hack into the game! You have to get him out of there! It's beautiful.
[Whirring] [ Beeping] Space Needle! Troll Blanket! Cornish Game Hen.
Leg of Lamb! - Grease Pencil! - [Grunts] [Groans] Banana Peel! [Grunts] Ice Mushroom! Vapor Shield! Fire Rain! Globe of Conservation! Horn of Plenty! [Horn sounds] Technicolor Dreamcoat! - Aah! - Elf Leg! Aaaah! - Elf Leg! - No! - Elf Leg! - Noooooo! Dagger of Espadrille! Au revoir, Monsieur Geils! Au revoir! Nooooo! [Groans] Simon says "You're dead.
" No.
You son of a - [Beep] - Cardin's in the wind.
Cardin's in the wind! Don't sweat it.
We'll pick you up in 20.
Cardin will get his.
- [Beep] - Roger that.
[Whirring] [Sighs] [ Beeps] [Whirring] Ooh.
[Chuckles] This feels like a real Hula-Hoop!