Animal Control (2023) s03e02 Episode Script

1
- [TIRES SQUEALING]
- [CAR HONKS]
You are not going to die today.
Look, it's just a rattlesnake bite,
and it wouldn't be an issue
if we had anti-venom
in the truck's cooler
instead of your variety
pack of Otter pops.
God, if I kill my work husband.
- I'm not your work husband.
- I will never take another, Frank.
We have the anti-venom.
Got every kind we could.
So, feel free to also
sit on a jellyfish.
[LAYS ON HORN]
I think I should suck out the poison.
I don't think it works that way.
But if there's even a one percent chance
that it does, I should try.
[BRAKES SCREECH]
We're at the rendezvous.
Where are you guys?!
We are almost there.
Heads up. Uh
my field of vision isn't
what it used to be.
His field of vision isn't
what it used to be!
[PATEL] We're coming. Hold on, Frank!
[SUCKING SOUNDS]
Can you guys hurry?
Shred is using more teeth
than the snake did.
- [SHRED SPITS]
- [SUCKING NOISES]
And tongue.
♪
[EMILY] Look alive, people.
Fiona Holcomb will be
here in 15 minutes.
Lifestyle brand maven, potential donor,
and my personal hero.
I need everyone looking
busy, but not frantic.
Okay, just busy. But not frantic! Okay?
Everything has to be perfect.
Bettany's out getting pastries.
- Did you guys memorize your scripts?
- Yeah.
- Wait. Scripts?
- Yeah. Everyone got scripts.
Shred, this is a huge deal.
We could get funding
to finally create an adoption space,
and and we need it.
I mean those animal meet and greets
out back by the dumpster
are a real bummer.
And you don't even have to
deal with the creepy old man
who keeps offering to adopt me.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
- And I'm completely off book.
Maya and I ran lines this
morning at breakfast.
That's so great. Is that where
you got that hot sauce stain
- on your uniform?
- What?
Could you maybe change into a freshie?
- Oh yeah.
- Thank you.
Hey, why doesn't Frank have to partake
in this well-intentioned charade?
I gave Frank the day off.
He can be a little, um
spicy around rich people.
- Yeah.
- All people, really.
Hello!
Oh, Fiona! Hi.
You're here and you're early.
- Yes. Hello. Hi.
- Which is perfect for us.
Come on in, this is our bullpen.
The beating heart of our operation.
And and these are some
of our best officers.
- Now?
- Yeah.
Supervisor Price, I have
those updated numbers
- for you to review.
- Great.
Adoptions are up in every category,
and so is morale.
Some say you can't measure
that with a number,
- but we sure do. 100.
- Also
Also, uh we're rescuing
more animals off the streets
than ever before, which leads
to our number one issue.
- Overcrowding.
- Thank you.
- [WHISPERS] Shred. Shred.
- What?
Yes, and, um
because of that,
sometimes we have to fit
multiple dogs in a kennel.
And during kitten season,
we have to
fill our drawers with kitty litter.
- No, we don't. No, no.
- How is that?
No, we don't do that.
There's no poop in our drawers.
- The desk or the pant.
- Right.
Wow. Well, I appreciate the effort
that went into that presentation.
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
- There's a sweaty sincerity at play.
I wanna see the rest of the precinct.
Who's gonna show me around?
- I could
- Shred.
Yeah. Me. [LAUGHS]
- Right this way, mom.
- Hello.
Thank
- Ma'am.
- Thank you.
What is happening?
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi.
- Officer Patel, please hold.
- Hi. Fiona, great to meet you.
- Sorry, lots of calls.
- Hi.
- Oh, my God. She's amazing.
- So hot!
I only have a couple notes
before she comes back.
But that was so great. Wait. Frank!
Uh hi. What are you doing here?
I'm going for a hike on my day off.
I'm getting my thigh weights,
otherwise it's just an uphill walk.
Uh-huh. Uh but, you know,
you're so strong already.
Uh why don't why
don't I walk you out?
Let's get you on that hike.
[CHUCKLES] Get on the mountain.
- Something's going on.
- What?
Why is Patel in a clean shirt?
Oh, I eat nude now.
And who took down the X-ray
of the dog that swallowed the sex toy?
What are you hiding? I want answers.
Nothing. Nothing's going on.
I brought the scones
and the clotted cream.
Oh.
Yeah. Okay, Frank,
just get in my office.
[KICKS DRAWER]
So, you're just gonna send
me away on a 20-mile hike?
You weren't gonna hike that far.
You're right. First half, hike.
Second half, full sprint.
Hiding me away so you can tap dance
for some hoity-toity loidy?
Are you trying to say lady?
I thought today was my day off,
so maybe my zingers
aren't quite zinging yet.
The truth is, I've noticed
you get a little prickly
around people who have money.
I mean, remember that
woman who you made cry
because she wanted to buy a
purebred King Charles Spaniel?
Yeah. We don't have
royalty in this country.
You want a spaniel, you
get an American Cocker.
We threw out the British and their dogs.
It's a dog, Frank.
Yeah. A dog with terrible teeth.
♪
Muscle Mojo Energy Drink.
Brands keep sending me stuff.
Officer Thumbs is blowing up!
Look the 'gram's now counting
my followers in the K'S.
- K's, Victoria.
- Wow.
- [DANCE MUSIC]
- Thumbs!
Yeah, you've shown me that one.
[LAUGHS] I could watch
it a million times.
Well, don't forget us little people
when you become a big
time influen wait.
Patel, the second ingredient
listed is colloidal silver.
Oh, that stuff is awesome.
Do not take it if you're ever
thinking about getting pregnant.
- Ever.
- Okay
[BETTANY] Patel. You're
gonna wanna sit down.
I'm in my truck. I'm sitting down.
[BETTANY] Officer Thumbs has been asked
to throw out the first pitch
at the Everson Small
Stallions game tonight.
[RADIO STATIC]
Please hold my calls, I need a
few seconds to process this.
[BETTANY] I don't take your calls.
Is this a a big thing?
When I was a kid, I used to
stand on piles of laundry
and pretend it was the mound
at Everson Stadium.
And now can you actually,
uh film this?
I wanna put it on social.
Make sure you can see the label.
- [RECORDING STARTS]
- When I was just a little boy
in my immigrant parents' home
- No!
- [FRANK] I can be charming.
Look, I'm sorry, but we
need to raise money.
So, I need you to be a team player
and just stay on the bench for this one.
A team doesn't bench their
star player during crunch time.
Look, we need to focus,
take it one game at a time,
and I can keep this analogy going
all the way to the playoffs.
Thank you, Bettany. Frank! Hey.
I thought you had the day off.
I do, but when I heard
that the Fiona Holcomb was
visiting, I had to swing by.
I'm a huge fan. It's an
honor to meet you.
That's very sweet.
- And you are?
- In shorts.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Frank Shaw, senior officer.
So, uh what's next on your agenda?
Uh Shred was just gonna take Fiona
- on a ride along.
- Yeah.
- You should join us.
- I'd love to!
But I defer to our supervising
officer, Price.
Permission to put on
pants and join them?
[LAUGHS]
Permission granted.
- All right.
- Great!
- Oh. Excuse me.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING]
Oh, sure. You know, take your time.
I'm just gonna talk to these guys,
do a little team management.
I swear to God, if you screw this up,
you will be on kennel cleaning duty
until you retire a sad and broken man.
Too late. I'm already sad and broken.
Okay. Hey, can I jump in?
Frank's gonna knock this one
outta the park, I can feel it.
Oh, really? So
so you're vouching for him?
- Totally.
- Are you sure about that?
I think so.
Okay, done.
You vouched, so you're on the hook.
- Wait, what does that mean?
- It means you're on the hook.
She can't define a word with the word.
- That's one of the rules.
- Ehh. It is what it is.
What does that mean?
No matter how long I do this job,
I'm still amazed by some
of the calls we get.
A couple of months ago,
we rescued a chatty parrot
who later helped convict
his owner of murder.
- No!
- Yeah, we pretty much do it all.
Oh, I must remember to get someone
to call you about this coyote
that's been lurking around my property.
Okay. Yeah. Um
usually we can only pick
them up if they're sick,
but yeah,
- we can totally take a look at that for you.
- Thank you.
- Right, Frank?
- Well, it seems a little early in the ride
to compromise ourselves
and remove an animal
from his native habitat.
Fine. I'll just wait for it to eat
one of the neighbor's kids.
[SHRED LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
On the hook, dude.
Sure, we'd be happy to come by
and violate the public's trust.
And when you come over for the coyote,
would you mind checking the pool
because Magda says there's a dead rat.
Oh, we don't do dead rats.
Oh, Frank, if we're already
there, I think we
- It's sanitation.
- I am just messing with you.
- [LAUGHING]
- I don't have a dead rat.
I just knew if you freaked
out about the coyote,
you would definitely freak
out over a dead rat.
Okay. Teasing the driver.
A, uh favorite pastime
of thieving aristocracy.
Oh, I think you'd like my driver.
- He wears micro shorts too.
- [LAUGHING]
Okay. Hello. I love it.
You know, it's teasing,
but it's right on the line.
Good.
[CARS HONKING]
What is that stuff?
My eyes are watering.
Deep Heat rub. I'm on
the mound in four hours.
Gotta grease the cannon.
There he is!
Mixed breed Wolfhound.
- Red bandana.
- Nice.
- [DOG GROANS]
- [PHONE RINGING]
Ah it's the events coordinator
for the Small Stallions.
We've been trading calls
on some VIP stuff.
- Do not take that call.
- Listen, you've got this.
He's got a bandana on,
he's gonna be a good boy.
Outlaws wear bandanas too.
And gang members.
Hey, Deb.
Listen, I have a question
about some parking.
- All right. Hey!
- [DOG BARKING]
Can I park in the players lot?
- Patel!
- Mm-hmm.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're sending me a car!
- Come on!
- [PATEL] Like, to keep?
[VICTORIA CALLS AFTER
DOG] Hey, big boy
Oh, right. [LAUGHS] No, of course.
- That's still very generous.
- Ahhhh!!!
So, listen, I also wanna talk
about my walk-on music.
- Yeah, the thing is
- [VICTORIA] I want a new partner!
- Yeah, that's not really my brand.
- [GROANS]
Oh, man
Something's eating all our fish.
And whatever it is
I heard it rustling in
the bushes over there.
Well, I hope he doesn't
have a koi intolerance,
- or this could get messy.
- Frank it's gotta be Oreo.
I can feel it.
Sorry. Oreo is this runaway zoo penguin
that we've been trying to catch,
and he duped me at a water park.
Gosh, that sounds personal.
I'm gonna run back to the
truck and get the mackerel
I bought with my own money. All right?
I'll be right back.
And hey, Frank? Frank.
Okay, so transparency
is one of my core values,
and I feel like there might be
some tension between us, Frank.
Shut up.
- Well precisely.
- No. Alligator.
- Oh my God.
- Stay close
- and don't make any noise.
- Oh, God.
[SQUEAKING] Oh, my God!
- [SQUEAKING] Oh, my God!
- A little quieter.
- Shh.
- [ALLIGATOR GRUMBLES]
- [WHISPERS] That's an alligator.
- Yeah. Don't move.
Where did it come from?
People get them as pets
and then they ditch them
- when they get too big.
- [FIONA YELPING]
Like, MMA fighters. Guys in ponytails.
University of Florida enthusiasts.
You're you're very calm.
It's cool. It's just a gator.
[ALLIGATOR GRUMBLES]
[WHISPERS] Oh, my God.
All right.
This first pitch
just lob it in there.
No. I need to throw heat.
Garrett Wargo is pitching tonight.
I wanna impress him.
As season ticket holders,
you and I have seen
hundreds of first pitches.
Which do you remember?
The guy with the car dealerships
had a heart attack.
Yeah, because he tried
to throw it too hard
and blew his ticker.
- Hi!
- Oh
What's with the, uh, Lego hair?
This is car wax with a
20,000 mile guarantee.
It's not coming out in one show
could have you done the
paperwork on the Wolfhound?
Oh. My, uh, pitching arm
same as my writing arm, so
You are being such a diva!
Diva's a little extreme.
To be fair, earlier, you did toss
the truck keys at Victoria
and said [SNAPS] she's out front.
- What?
- Officer Thumbs wouldn't even exist
if I hadn't pushed you
in front of the camera,
just to do something nice
for you and your daughter,
- who I don't really like.
- All right. I'm sorry.
The last thing I need is
drama in my entourage.
Going backwards, man.
Too true.
Thank you for the mirror, Bettany.
- I have been a diva.
- Yeah.
How can I make it right?
$1,350. Venmo.
The specificity of that number
makes me worried you're not okay.
You know what, I think
I've got the perfect thing.
Better than money, trust me.
- I doubt that.
- Let's do this, Bettany.
All right, remember just
real simple. Lob it in there.
Utterly forgettable. Nailed it!
Hi, Fiona.
How's it going out in the field
with our fantastic officers?
Already dropped her back
at her office, boss.
What? No, no, no, no, no!
I didn't even get to share
my proposal with her.
It's comprehensive.
I had to order a special
binder for this.
Wait. What happened?
Nothing. I think Fiona was very
impressed with Frank all day.
- Yeah, she was.
- Eww.
Why do you sound like that?
[EMILY] Uh yeah.
I'm not liking that one bit.
Um Shred? Hi, Shred.
Tell me everything.
There's nothing to tell.
[EMILY] Might I remind you
that you're on the hook?
So, tell me the truth right now,
and I will grant you total immunity.
Frank may have mentioned
that he flirted with Fiona.
Shred, I'm gonna kill you.
- Frank, I am going to kill you!
- Yeah, okay. Listen.
So, I flirted with her a little
bit, but you know what?
That's only gonna help us get her
on the board, so, you're welcome.
For what? Potentially crossing the line
with the woman whose brand
is female empowerment?
- Exactly.
- Oh, trust me, there was a vibe.
A vibe?
Yeah, a vibe.
You're gonna have to
take my word for it.
Well, we don't have to
take your word for it
because we have body cam footage.
[GASPS] Yes! That's right.
[CHANTING TOGETHER] Body cam!
Body cam!
Body cam. Body cam.
Terrific. I trust my body cam's
body of work, everybody.
Hope you guys are fans of
British-American romantic comedies,
because this is the Notting
Hill of body cam footage.
Okay, just let us watch it, you ick.
[FIONA] I feel like there might
be some tension between us.
- [FRANK] Shut up.
- [GASPS] Whoa!
That is no way to talk
to a Forbes cover girl.
Wait, did you change?
You changed. Are you
dressing like her now?
What? No. Maybe.
Look, everybody knows that flirting
is 90 percent pheromones.
- [FIONA] Ooh!
- [FRANK] And try not to make noise.
- Where did it come from?
- Well, uh
- [STATIC]
- [FIONA SQUEAKS]
[FRANK] They get too
big ditch them
Why does it sound like a janky
drive-through order box?
- Shh!
- [FRANK] with ponytails
- fighters
- [STATIC]
[FIONA] Oh, my God!
Clearly, this is the worst
depiction of what happened.
The production values are terrible.
They never even show
the leading man's face.
Camera doesn't lie, Frank,
nor does the microphone.
Okay, maybe
Maybe I misread this.
Oh, no, no. Um
Hey. Hey, Bettany?
Did you connect with Fiona's office?
Just got off with them.
And they said they'd be in touch.
And to stop calling.
[SCOFFS]
Our funding is gone.
This is why I didn't want you involved.
You flirted her away, Frank.
Okay, I did capture a giant alligator.
Nobody wants to see that footage?
- No, we don't.
- Okay, what he meant to say was, I'm sorry.
Well, now the both of
you are gonna be sorry,
because now the two
of you are on the hook.
What happened to total immunity?
Oh, I lied to induce a confession.
Welcome to the real world.
That was an awkward interaction.
As you might call it, Frank a vibe.
♪
Come on.
This could've been a PDF.
[FIONA] What are you doing here?
Hi. Uh, I was just, uh
in the neighborhood.
[FIONA] You have to press the
button for me to hear you.
Uh, hey. Listen, I hope I didn't
make things weird for you before.
Anyway, uh my boss said that, um
Oh. So, I guess
All right.
[ANNOUNCER] And now, to throw
out the ceremonial first pitch,
please give an Everson
Small Stallions welcome
- to Officer Thumbs!
- [CROWD CHEERS]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[ANNOUNCER] and Guest.
Yeah!
Listen to that. I told
you it'd be incredible.
There's nothing like the
validation of random strangers.
So, I thought this was gonna be lame,
and definitely not worth $1,350.
But I have goosebumps!
I wouldn't be here without you, partner.
Wargo! Listen, bro.
Yeah, I'm probably
just gonna lob it today.
I'm not gonna bring my heat.
All right. Now, listen.
Don't let the crowd amp you too much.
Nice and easy. All right.
Don't need that.
No, you're supposed to start over there.
Victoria, what
[VICTORIA GRUNTS]
[CROWD CHEERS]
[LAUGHS] Whoo!
[CROWD CHANTING] Guest, guest, guest!
Yeah!
What the hell was that?
I played cricket growing up.
Rainbow.
I can't rainbow it now.
Now I gotta bring the heat.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
Thumbs!
- [BALL THUDS]
- [CROWD GASPS]
[GASPS]
Wargo? Medic! We need a medic!
[CROWD BOOING]
[VICTORIA] Patel, what did you do?
Wargo?
I gotta say, I never thought
that dropping off a binder
full of euthanasia stats
would lead to sex.
Don't take this the wrong way, but
I don't know why I just did that.
Let's be honest.
The countdown clock started
after you saw me in those
high-performance shorts.
Everything we did was
in spite of those shorts.
[WHISPERS] How dare you.
You're obviously not my usual type.
I don't know, it was sort of
Sort of a vibe.
- Yes! Yes.
- Yes. Yes.
- There's a vibe.
- There was a vibe. There is a vibe.
Maybe that's something, if it comes up
in casual conversation, you could share.
Oh I think we should maybe,
definitely keep this on the down low.
You wanna hide your
working class funboy?
I don't want to make things weird,
but would you mind just
signing something?
What? Oh. A non-disclosure agreement?
Think I'm gonna sell our story
to some weird gossip site?
Animal control officer wrestles
lifestyle shark to completion.
Twice.
I don't even know your last name.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right.
There you go.
You forgot to initial.
Oh. Yes.
A sexy end
- Thank you.
- to a sexy evening.
- It was.
- But before I go here.
If you could take a look at this.
- My boss worked really hard on it.
- Oh.
Please don't put that on the bed.
I'll never be able to get it off.
I'll sum it up for you.
People suck. Animals are awesome.
They deserve our protection.
- I'll think about it.
- Thank you.
Uh get back here.
Oh, you know, usually
I get an hour break.
Taking advantage of
the working man again?
Again.
Everyone, I have amazing news.
Fiona called me back, and
she's joining the board.
[CHEERS]
Yay!
Oh, and she wanted me to tell
the team that she thinks
uh animals are awesome and
they deserve our protection.
So, it's not really the
most profound statement,
- but
- It's kinda profound.
I had a feeling it would all work out.
Frank, Fiona told me that
you stopped by her gate
and almost broke her mail slot.
Really? Uh those are her words?
Yeah. Why are you blushing?
I mean, you went to her
home? That's not cool.
Yeah, it's not cool, and I
actually had no idea about it.
So, permission to be untethered
from my partner.
I was only there to give
her a large package
which was warmly received.
Ew.
The binder.
Honestly, thank God you did,
because I'm sure that she read it,
- and that's what sealed the deal.
- Way to go, Emily.
And again, I'm very sorry
for my partner's behavior.
You don't need to apologize.
I played my part.
The part of the Night Stalker.
Boss saved you on this one,
Frank. You gotta admit it.
Hey, does this mean that we
are officially off the hook?
You are in the clear.
Yes! Yes.
- For now.
- For for now. Wait. Wait.
Sorry, Emily. How long will that be?
Emily, how long is now?
I can't believe you went to her house.
What happened?
I really can't talk about it.
It's fine.
I'm sure I can read all about
it in the restraining order.
Just us.
I'm the reason Fiona joined the board.
And I literally charmed her pants off.
Oh! Oh, I forgot you
had an ear infection.
I'll get you some drops.
Whew!
Well, my sponsors said they were
pulling their endorsement.
I didn't think they would be so literal.
Officer Thumbs burnt fast and hot.
Just like the pitch
Patel threw in the face
of the number one prospect
of the Small Stallions.
You guys wanna play a fun game?
Guess how many followers
I lost on Insta?
- No. Dude, don't do this to yourself.
- Don't do it.
All of them! Even the bots.
So, fake humans in
Europe hate me now too.
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, no. It's the team calling.
Do you think Wargo died?
Hey, Deb. How's our guy doing?
[EXHALES]
Yeah, girl. I see you too.
- Oh! ICU.
- Patel
I no, I yeah, I know exactly
what that means Deb.
So, what do you think? You think
our guy's gonna get transferred
to the regular CU?
Hey, quick pivot. Do you
think there's any way
I could get ahold of
that first pitch ball?
Hmm?