Animal Control (2023) s03e06 Episode Script

1
♪
- LIX.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
Is this like a fetish party?
It's a Super Bowl party.
Pro football uses
Roman numerals to honor
when the league first formed
back in ancient Ohio.
Yeah, I don't care.
- [ANGELIC VOCALIZING]
- Thank God you guys are here.
Rob Gronkowski.
I love you.
That's cool.
Follow me. We got a situation.
So, Rob gets the "L" word.
Interesting.
I've always wanted real, live mascots
for my Super Bowl party.
Last fall I booked all 32 teams.
Oh, and then you cancel the ones
that don't make the game.
That's just good party planning.
Why is Frank being so nice
to this giant man?
And then my assistant
forgot to cancel them.
Wait, does that mean?
- [GIRL SCREAMS]
- [CAWING]
[BLEATING]
[BELLOWING]
[SQUAWKING]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
Gronk, your, uh
incredible athleticism and
extreme postseason success
excuse this dangerous lapse in judgment.
I have a lot of rings,
but I don't have a lot of self-control.
Everybody, bring it in! Bring it in.
Okay. Guys, here's the play.
Get the animals.
On one!
And break!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
[HORSE NEIGHS]
Alright, Shred. Falcon's all yours.
Frank's scared of heights.
All good. I'm scared of heights too.
Really?
- Yeah.
- Me too.
[LION ROARS]
Okay. We have a cardinal and a lion.
[LION GROWLING]
Just a lion.
Alright, he's a big boy.
[GLASS SMASHING]
[WHEEZING]
It's just a guy in a bear suit.
This party's crazy.
And he's hammered!
Alright, go home.
This one counts. Good job.
[BUFFALO BELLOWS]
Buffalo is the only one left.
Hey, cowboy. Lasso me.
No. Hand me the lasso.
Thank you so much. Hate your team.
Okay. Here we go.
[LASSO WHIPS THE AIR]
This might be the greatest
moment of my life.
Sad, but probably true.
[CROWD AWES]
[BUFFALO SNORTS AND BELLOWS]
Run!!!!!!
♪
Hey, guys.
Nothing? Okay, um
I did send two emails and then
a follow-up text to everyone,
with zero replies, but, uh,
here I am in person, again,
just to say, I'm taking
a personal day. So
Kinda feels like this could've
been an email, Emily.
Why are you taking off?
Um it's no no reason.
It's just a just a personal day.
Guys, this is Emily's business,
and therapy's a sign
of strength, not weakness.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you, Shred.
Uh but no, I'm not going to therapy.
Hey, you don't have to white
knuckle it. We all need therapy.
Don't listen to her. Keep
stuffing it down, sister. It works.
No, I'm not going to therapy.
- [VICTORIA] Oh my God.
- Your pregnant?
Oh okay, okay.
[LAUGHS] Ahh I'm leaving.
Um oh, while I'm gone,
Patel is in charge.
First of all, thank you.
Second, and this is to my staff.
If there is any weirdness
let's just talk it out.
It never feels good to get passed over.
Well, I'm cool with the weirdness,
so I should probably let you
know that Emily asked me,
like, four times, and I turned
her down every time.
Well, it doesn't matter how
I got the corner office,
- just that I did.
- You can't use my office.
Ah, just a metaphor.
But are you being serious?
'Cause it's got the big desk.
Okay. Uh yeah. That's fine. Whatever.
Just don't eat in there.
No, of course not.
Yeah. Okay, bye.
- [PATEL] Yeah, yeah.
- [SHRED] Bye!
I'll be in my office.
Apple.
[THUDS]
Hey.
Hey.
You never take a personal day.
When you had jury duty, you
tried to get it moved to a weekend.
Yeah. Rick's coming back
from Nepal today.
- Bugger off.
- [EMILY] Mm-hmm.
Are you guys going to meet up?
Well, you know, I have
to give him his stuff
that he left at my apartment.
Really?
Yeah.
He's been without it for six months.
I mean, he doesn't need it.
Oh, that's true.
Um I've also been driving his car
so that the battery doesn't die.
And then I also feed
his parrot twice a day.
Woman!
No!
I'm just trying to be nice.
He was such a mess
when we broke up, and
I don't know, I just feel like
I owe him a conversation
and some closure.
Screw that, no.
You need to do a dead-drop.
A a what?
You need to pack up
his junk into his car,
drive it to his house, leave
it there, and never look back.
A dead-drop.
- That's a thing?
- [VICTORIA] Mm-hmm.
Um
You know, that's a good idea. [LAUGHS]
I'm no, I'm definitely
gonna do a dead-drop.
100 percent. [CHUCKLES]
Thank you, friend.
Here I go.
That's it, I'm coming.
Okay. [LAUGHS]
Moving some essentials
to my new command center.
Essentials, huh? Those dude wipes?
[THUD]
- [GROANS] What the hell?
- [SHRED LAUGHS]
- Did you do that?
- [YELPS]
Ow!
Everyone! Stop sitting in chairs!
Don't you see what's happening?!
Everything's falling apart
without Emily.
No, look!
We're being pranked.
[OFFICE GASPS]
Templeton.
No, it can't be Templeton.
There's a prank truce between precincts.
That's right. It was declared
after our last shenanigans.
The feeling was we went too far.
Oh, please. Everyone's hair grew back.
Except Lydia.
Yeah, well, there is always casualties.
And that's no reason to break the truce.
It's a matter of honor.
Templeton. The man has no honor
and must pay.
[PATEL] Okay, guys.
I think I see what's going on.
You're ramping up for a revenge prank.
Not today. Okay?
You still got those beavers in the back?
- And what's our laxative status?
- I have so many laxatives.
[PATEL] No, guys!
I'm the boss today, so
I'm gonna have to put my foot down here.
Not happening.
Or else what?
Well [CHUCKLES]
You might, like suspend us?
Maybe. I'd like to see that.
Keep chirping and I will.
- Chirp.
- You're suspended.
- With pay?
- Technically, yeah. Yes.
Thanks. This is a win.
- Wait. What what just happened?
- What just happened?
We just got a paid day off
to plan a revenge prank.
Shred what's your size
in a bomb vest?
- Probably a medium.
- You know what, guys? I think
I think we just need to take a beat.
- And allow this to de-escalate?
- Yeah.
Why don't you save that crap
for your hippie sound bath?
This is war.
Shred to battle.
[PATEL] Okay, no.
There's no battle. Shred.
Don't go. Guys, I'm the boss.
I'm the boss. Guys!
[THUD]
[PATEL EXCLAIMS]
Okay, so I'm just gonna drop
his car keys in the mail slot
- and that'll be that.
- Mm-hmm.
Whoo! You did it!
Congrats. Your first dead-drop.
Yay! And if he doesn't key
your car within the next 24 hours,
- you're probably in the clear.
- Wait, what?
You didn't tell me about
possible retribution.
Almost never happens. And
the main thing is that you did it.
Let's go get coffee.
Yeah. Okay, yeah. Let's celebrate.
Maybe double whipped cream?
Stop!
I know, I know. I'll just do regular.
- Prank selfie!
- [CAMERA SNAPS]
- Is your head in the game?
- I'm just excited, you know?
I've never been on the 'A team'
for one of these big pranks before.
Usually I'm a lookout
or a decoy in drag, so
this is a big deal.
We are releasing a family of beavers
into Templeton's precinct,
and you're trying to make this
a sentimental moment?
Well, it's a big milestone
in our partnership,
- and it means a lot.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Templeton.
- What?
- What?
- [TEMPLETON] War criminal.
You are without honor.
Me? You broke the truce.
You just made our chairs collapse.
And Lydia sprained her tailbone.
Hold on. You made our chairs collapse!
Does that sound like a prank
from the guy who turned
your parking lot into a
registered pickleball court?
Oh, yeah. That was diabolical.
The sound of dinking
drove our dogs insane.
Wait, I'm getting a text from 911?
Samesies.
It says, "you've been burned".
Fire emoji. Chair emoji. Fire emoji.
And the eggplant emoji.
[TEMPLETON] Wait a minute.
Have we both been pranked
by the fire department?
Oh, they wouldn't dare.
But well, there is a history.
Sorry. Wait. Why do you
think it's the fire department?
Oh, they hate us because they
know we're the real heroes.
We won't get cats out of trees.
It's been an issue for years.
This just got bigger than
the both of us.
And considering my height
and your weight,
that is saying something.
Needlessly mean. We need a sit-down.
Neutral ground only.
[TEMPLETON] Can you get away now?
Oh, yeah. Uh we're suspended.
How are you feeling?
Honestly, I feel so good.
See? It's counterintuitive,
but a dead-drop
makes you feel alive.
Yeah, I'm way too amped up
to just go back to the office.
I know a nail salon
with a liquor license.
- [GASPS]
- So we could hang on. Is that?
[EMILY] Rick's car being towed?
Wait, no! Stop! That's my car!
That's my boyfriend
it's my ex-boyfriend
It's a long story. Just stop!
It's a long story stop!
You want mine?
[KNOCKS]
Got a sec, boss?
What can I do for you, Carl?
Ooh. [CHUCKLES]
Looks like you got a little minestrone
on Emily's nice desk.
Yeah.
[CARL] It's really somethin'.
She's a beaut, isn't she?
There's a button underneath
this desk, Carl.
I have no idea what it does,
but I've been pressing it all morning.
Did you suspend two officers
without a formal review
and with no union
representative present?
Ah. First day at the helm, Carl.
- Is that how I was supposed to do it?
- Uh it is.
Off the record.
There was a little game of
chicken earlier,
and they called my bluff, but
I think it's gonna be cool.
Mmm it's not going to be cool.
Yeah, as president of the union,
I need to take this to the membership.
Really? You're gonna
take this to the membership?
Yeah.
What if I make this whole shop
non-union, Carl?
- Mm.
- What are you gonna do then, Carl?
I'm doing it again, Carl.
I'm sorry, Carl.
[TURNING DOORKNOB]
Can you let me out, please?
The button.
[BUZZING SOUND]
Mystery of the button solved!
Let's start over, come on.
So, what do you say, froggy?
You wanna jump into a little trouble?
Oh, yeah. Let's hit those
fire sluts with both barrels.
Agreed.
I've already sketched up
something down and dirty.
Does it involve beavers?
'Cause I can probably get ahold of some
fecal incontinent beavers.
Just spitballing.
We take their bell.
The one that signaled the
great Seattle fire of 1899?
And when I say great, I mean horrible.
Yeah. That bell.
Fiendish yet simple.
You son of a bitch.
I can't believe I'm gonna
say this, but get in.
Oh, just like that?
I'm supposed to trust you?
My God, look at Lydia.
Hi, Lydia.
Hey, Lydia! Love the hat, girl.
Like she has a choice.
I'm gonna need insurance.
In feudal Japan, to ensure
the safe passage of an enemy,
the Samurai would offer up a hostage.
Cool. Shred, you're a hostage.
What?
I just finished telling you
how important it was to me
that I'm part of this prank.
I know. You'll be a big part
of the next one, I promise.
Wow.
Betrayal selfie.
[CAMERA SNAPS]
Dang it!
Still a keeper.
It begins.
Precinct 23 and Precinct 22
in an unholy alliance.
[SPITS]
Gross.
That's why I did that.
An unholy alliance.
Okay.
I feel like you're mad at me.
Of course I'm mad at you!
I mean, Rick is gonna be back
in two hours,
and if he sees his car
and all his things gone,
I'm gonna look like some
crazy ex-girlfriend.
Well, you do feed his parrot
twice a day, so at this point,
I think you are a crazy ex-girlfriend.
[SCOFFS] Okay, well, the dead-drop
was definitely the wrong move.
No, not reading the street
signs was the wrong move.
The dead-drop is the only way
to handle a breakup.
- [EMILY] Okay.
- You don't want drama.
Oh, well, I got drama.
Drama is all I got.
To start with, this isn't even my car.
Well, that's gonna be a problem.
Okay, I barely started my story, Jenny.
I can't give you the car
without the registration.
Well, that's probably in the car.
Great! Then open her up.
Uh the keys are at Rick's.
Mm-hmm.
Are you sure it's unlocked?
Yeah. Always.
He said it sounded silly,
but he felt safer
knowing that the window was unlocked.
The mink haunted his dreams.
What about him wasn't weird?
- Yeah, not much.
- Okay. Engage your core.
Okay. I'm gonna go for it.
- I'm gonna go for it.
- Go for it!
- They're eating lunch.
- This is perfect.
There it is. Okay, we just
climb up and grab it.
Whoa
A lot of food.
Tri-tip and crab legs?
Wait, are our taxes
paying for surf and turf?
Yeah. Ever since they saved that kid
from the Ballard Locks,
their budget's been unlimited.
We'll get on the truck
and grab the bell. Simple.
You're not gonna crawl, are you?
No. That'd hurt my knees.
Look, they get super weird about anybody
touching their trucks.
You can tell by how much time
they spend polishing them.
- Hello?
- What are you doing?
Looking for your balls.
- You think I'm scared?
- I think you're a scaredy cat.
- No. I rescue scaredy cats.
- Okay.
- Don't touch my butt.
- I'm not gonna.
- Oh my God!
- What?
They're shaving truffles over penne.
Pasta after steak?
They have their coursing all wrong.
They're not even in season! Hayseeds.
[FIRE ALARM RINGS]
[PA] Emergency!
These guys are incredible.
We got 30 seconds to get
off of here. Go!
[FIREMAN] Rolling out, people!
Oh my God.
Were they already in the truck?
[SIRENS WAILING]
Get down or they'll see us.
[FRANK] Oh, my God.
That better be your taser!
We will not stand for unlawful
firings or violations.
[CALL RINGING]
- [SHRED] Hello?
- Shred. Hey. Frank's not picking up.
Listen, I need you to come back.
Can't. I'm a hostage.
Listen, that suspension joke
I made earlier,
I think it might be, uh
becoming a thing.
So, you're just gonna
breeze past the fact
that I said I'm a hostage?
- I'm sorry. How are you doing?
- Not great, bud.
Frank said I'd be a big part
of the prank,
and I'm not a big part of
the prank, like, at all.
I'm just insurance.
That's brutal. Listen, I
really need you to come back.
- [GAVEL TAPPING]
- [SHRED] I can't.
It's a whole honor thing.
Plus, Lydia took my shoes.
I I gotta call you back.
Excuse me, guys. Not now. Guys!
Carl! What the hell, man?
It's a walkout in solidarity
with officers Shaw and Taylor.
Guess you got your non-union shop.
Carl, come on, man. You
know, we were just saying things.
[LAUGHS] Carl!
Oh
I can see why Emily
went with Frank first.
[VICTORIA] Okay.
You got the keys. Let's go.
Oh, look, he still has my DVD player.
Oh, and my, um surge protector.
Oh, well, I'll just reach out
to him later to get all this stuff.
No! That's no.
That defeats the whole purpose.
We are grabbing everything now.
Okay? Where's the wine cellar?
His wine cellar? Uh he doesn't
Do you want a lamp? Do you want this?
- That's not mine.
- I think you should take it.
- This doesn't look great.
- [SIREN CHIRPS]
Hi.
I've counted four lefts
and seven rights.
We're either heading towards Queen Anne
or straight into Puget Sound.
I can't swim, Frank!
Wait. We're stopping.
What? We're back at the station?
What should we do?
What?
What the hell?
I believe this is the part of the movie
where the hero says gotcha!
Wait a minute. Did you just
I pranked the crap out of you, Frank!
Yeah! The whole thing was me!
Whoa! What's happening?
What are you doing?
What's happening?
Your chairs, my chairs. Right?
I even had the firefighters
in on it, Frank!
You Judas! You broke the truce!
I shattered the truce.
Just like you shattered Lydia's ankle
when you brought the horse
to our locker room. Huh?
You can burn! You can all burn!
Wow. A little joke, a little ha-ha,
and you want us to die in a fire.
This is what I was talking about.
I'd spit on you Templeton,
but I'm too scared to lean forward!
All the way up, take him up!
Nah, you ruined it, Frank.
We're going higher now.
[FRANKS SCREAMS]
You know, I totally get
why you're arresting us.
But you know, from one city
employee to another,
I can definitely explain.
See my ex-boyfriend
I've found in these situations,
it's best to remain silent.
Okay. Do you think
Emily! Oh, my God. What is happening?
Rick! Hi.
Oh, nothing, really. I just, um
I did stop by with some of
your stuff to drop off,
and then I broke
into your house. [LAUGHS]
But it turns out you have a lot of
really vigilant neighbors, so
Hey, Rick. Love the beard.
It looks really nice on you.
Can I get them unarrested?
We're all friends here.
Friends? Really?
Of course we're friends.
How are you doing?
Uh I'm better than this looks.
You?
I'm I'm I'm doing good.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
Uh, so Em this is Anna.
- Hi.
- We met in Nepal.
- Hi.
- Ahh!
I didn't want to get out
'cause this already seemed
weird, but our driver has
to get to her next ride.
Uh yeah. [STAMMERS]
Okay, then. Um so nice to meet you.
Hello. [CHUCKLES]
Um so, this is great.
This is so great.
[FRANK SCREAMS]
Templeton, why do you have handcuffs?
Oh my God, Frank!
Shred! Is that you? Help me!
Hey, Lydia. Thanks for bringing him.
Told you I'd make you whole.
You bastard. He's terrified of heights.
- That's the whole point!
- [FRANKS] Shred!
If I plummet to my death,
I want you to know
that I'm sorry that I let you
get taken hostage!
It's okay, man. I forgive you. I
I love you, Frank.
Six stories up, I still
can't get the "L" word.
I'll let you down if you admit
I won the seven-year prank war.
No way!
Okay, well, then you're
staying up there.
- I admit it!
- What? Okay, hold on.
I didn't I didn't think
you'd cave that quickly.
Hold on. [RECORDING VIDEO] Say it again.
I admit you won the prank war.
Okay, and say I love you, Templeton!
I love you, Templeton!
Say I love you, Lydia.
I love you, Lydia.
And I love you, Shred.
For you.
No. I tried.
Okay. Let him down, boys.
We'll let you down. In one hour.
[FRANK SCREAMS]
[FRANK SCREAMS]
Enough's enough.
The calls are really piling up.
I got not one, but two coyotes
loose in a residential area.
They're not getting any less rabid.
How do we make this right?
Reinstate the suspended officers.
I reinstated them,
they just haven't made their
way back to the office yet.
Well, that's a start.
There's still some
lingering hard feelings.
Personally, for me, as a union boss.
I see.
There's not anything management can do
to fix those lingering feelings?
I'm sure we could figure something out.
Wow. I just did not expect
him to show up
with another woman, so
And she sucks. She's the worst.
Does she suck? 'Cause
she seemed kinda great.
And he seemed pretty good, too.
And he was so cool
about us being arrested.
And he's really non-judgmental,
which is a really nice quality
that he has.
Why did we break up again?
Okay. Where are you going with this?
It was just kinda hard to see him.
I don't know.
Oh, God. I don't wanna cry.
I don't wanna cry.
[VICTORIA] Darling.
Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine,
I'm fine, I'm fine.
It's stupid.
Is it possible that maybe
you're the one who wasn't done
processing the breakup, and
that maybe you needed closure?
Oh, um, I don't I don't know.
Maybe. Yeah.
Right. Yeah. I didn't know that.
Um maybe maybe dead-drop
was the wrong move.
- Oh. Do you think?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
It's gonna be okay.
Really?
Hell yeah.
[LAUGHS]
You alright, big guy?
I feel like I let the precinct down.
And you let me down.
And I apologized for that.
Only because you thought
you were gonna die.
You're not getting another.
Fine.
I mean, somehow, against
all odds and human reason,
Templeton beat us.
And I betrayed that
which I held most dear.
Me?
God, no. My honor.
Right.
Well an honorable man like you
would have no interest in this.
Templeton's personnel file.
Wait, you stole this?
I did, yeah.
I love that you did that.
Okay, well, there was a few
extra words mixed in there,
but I'm only gonna focus on three.
This says his ex-wife was a redhead,
and that he was cited for
forming a Sasquatch search party.
This is the mother lode!
Yeah. It's crazy what's in there.
But I conceded.
Gave my word.
Yeah, but I didn't.
Good point.
We got work to do.
[COUGHS]
So when do you wanna get
Do you mind? I'm trying to read.
Yeah.
Hey. Look who it is.
Didn't know you were coming in today.
I just wanted to stop by,
see if everything went okay.
Oh, great.
That's incredible news.
I think I have my new go-to
interim supervisor.
Yeah. You know what? I
think I got it outta my system.
Don't be humble.
Where's my desk?
[PATEL] Good night!
Patel? Patel, where's my desk?!
I had a desk!
Shred!
Carl.
Weird.