Animal Practice (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

Giggles? Giggles, where are you? The Wendy Williams show is starting.
Giggles! Wendy and Jessica Simpson are swapping wigs.
Giggles? Giggles, no! Owners' names are Trudy and Roger Watts.
Giggles has been a patient for a year.
No wedding ring, tattered bathrobe, elastic jeans, snap socks.
Looks like Roger's no longer in the picture.
I'll handle this.
Good news, Ms.
Watts, Giggles is going to be just fine.
Oh, it's a miracle.
Actually, it's a phenomenon called "high rise syndrome.
" Cats that fall instinctively twist their bodies into a riding reflex, but I believe what Giggles did was more likely a cry for help.
Are you saying my cat tried to-- Tried to commit suicide? Yes.
I believe she's trying to tell you something.
Like what? Giggles is very happy.
Your cat's in heat.
Set her free.
Let her meet someone that's gonna grab her by the scruff of her neck and make her purr so loud that the neighbors will complain.
What'd you say your name was? My name's Dr.
George Coleman And I get off at 6:00.
Come on, Phil Collins, come on.
He's falling behind, George.
I personally gave that horse his last exam.
- Phil is a winner.
- Guys, guys! Come on, I'm in the middle of this.
- Shut up, Doug.
- Seriously, go somewhere else, - you're gonna jinx us.
- Why am I the one over here expressing glands, and you guys are over there, bettin' on the ponies? Well, you're sort of betting too.
- Excuse me? - Remember you loaned me money to build a gazebo? Oh, man.
Come-- That was gazebo money, Yamamoto.
My wife's in charge of my checking account, all right? - She doesn't like gambling! - So then don't gamble.
Tell your wife to eat it, Yamamoto.
I can't.
She's so emasculating.
I'd tell her to stop, but a part of me likes it.
- It's so complicated.
- Guys, look at that.
- Phil's making his move.
- All right, okay, that's it.
- Phil's making his move.
- Let's go, Phil.
You beautiful son of a bitch, make me some money! Come on! - There he goes.
- Have y'all seen Dr.
Coleman? Oh, Dr.
Yamamoto, get the blinds.
Dr.
Rizzo, get the door.
Come on, now.
Come on, now.
Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.
- Come on, now! - Only one working around here? - Come on, come on, come on! - Come on, go, go, go! Get it, get it! Yes! - I won some money.
- I'm gonna get so drunk.
Everybody back to work! This is a animal hospital, not Chuck E.
Cheese.
- Mm-hmm.
That's what I said.
- Yeah.
Come on, guys.
Did you know chickens can run up to 9 miles an hour? Did you know we're running four hours behind? There's order in my disorder, Juanita.
Oh, speaking of disorder, there's a woman in the waiting room, wants to see you, and she doesn't even have a pet.
I will look into it.
- Oh, Dr.
Coleman-- - Good morning, hi.
- Dr.
Coleman.
- Hi, how are you? Please wait your turn.
I believe this yoga enthusiast is next.
Surprise.
Dorothy.
I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother.
As far as people go, Eleanor Crane wasn't so bad.
Thank you.
She thought the world of you.
Hey, Rizzo.
Did you get a haircut? Don't suck up to the monkey.
Okay, George, uh, we need to talk.
I was expecting this.
Two years ago, you walked out on our relationship without any explanation, so now you're here to apologize? That's not exactly how I remember it.
- Apology accepted.
- George-- Although, in my mind, when we had this conversation, that skirt was right over there on that table.
George, my grandmother left me the hospital.
You don't know the first thing about running a hospital.
Why would she leave it to you? Well, because I promised her that I'd pour my soul into this place.
That's stupid.
Are you sure this isn't just an elaborate ploy to get back in my pants? It's not really hard to get into your pants.
I'll give you that.
I have been running up and down these halls since I was a little girl, okay? And I know that I can improve things here, starting with that mess of a waiting room.
Come on, follow me.
Not gonna follow you.
Hey, hey, I've won three canine awards and a Mountain Dew meow.
I built this place into the top animal hospital in the country.
Yes, but it could be so much better.
- Name one thing.
- For starters, maybe start caring about the owners.
There's been a man waiting out there for three days.
That is-- that-- that is a long time.
You are an incredible vet but a lousy director.
My system may not be perfect, but I help a lot of animals, and I meet a lot of girls.
My system is perfect.
I'm not gonna sit around and let you turn my grandmother's legacy into a zoo.
Really? What? He's doin' his rounds.
Wowie.
Dorothy Crane back in your life, huh? Can't believe it.
I can't believe how fat she got.
You wish.
She looks fantastic.
Don't get used to it.
She'll be gone in a week.
I don't know, George.
I always kinda had a feeling that you two were gonna end up together.
Monogamy is unnatural.
Of all the species on this planet, only 20 mate for l-- You know who mates for life? - Termites.
- Termites.
Yeah, you told me that before.
Hey, can I talk to you as a friend? I'm not keen on being friends.
Can I talk to you as somebody who's worked with you for the better part of a decade? Even that makes me uncomfortable.
George, my girlfriend left me for Dr.
Shankar.
Dr.
Shankar? That guy's a good catch.
Come on, man.
I'm being serious.
Dominance hierarchies occur in most animal species that live in groups, including primates, Doug.
You lost your place in the food chain.
I'm not a primate.
I live in Brooklyn.
I get my food from FreshDirect.
I have opposable thumbs.
You got to show her you're still the Alpha male.
What would Harvey do? Confront Shankar, establish dominance.
Like, you want me to kill him? And we all sing oh, well, I never! was there ever a cat so clever as magical Mr.
Mistoffelees? oh, well, I never! Dorothy said we would rotate our favorite music.
Are we even open? Where are all the patients? Already being helped.
We're ahead of schedule, so-- Mistoffelees oh, well, I-- - Good morning.
- You're still here? Look, George, I know that working together may be a little awkward at first or very awkward forever, but the important thing is is that we both love this place, so we can learn from each other.
- You can learn from me.
- And you me.
- Just you me.
- Okay, fine.
I'll learn from you, which is why I will be joining you on your rounds this morning.
Okay.
Great.
You are gonna be really glad that I'm here, George.
I can tell, I can really feel it.
Walk away if you agree! Oh, yeah.
You agree.
Mr.
Waxman, Lily, good news.
Honey's going to be okay.
She just ate something that needs to be removed.
Thank you, Dr.
Coleman.
Sweetie, why don't you give honey to the nice lady? The grown-ups have to talk.
Figures.
All this thing does is eat my stuff.
What's this gonna cost? - Surgery's $2,000.
- 2 grand? I could buy, like, six dogs that wouldn't piss me off for 2 grand.
I don't want to pay that.
What you want doesn't matter.
When you brought this dog into your home, you signed an unwritten contract to feed it, care for it, and, yes, provide medical care if need be.
Okay, look, if money is an issue, we can-- Hold on, I'm on a roll! Now, you're gonna pay this money, I'm gonna operate.
If you have a problem with that, then next time, don't leave your crap lying around.
I don't like your tone.
- Mm, I don't care.
- Okay, then.
How much to kill the thing? Whoa.
You don't mean that.
Sorry, I mean, uh, "put it to sleep.
" Look, you're not putting her to sleep.
Okay, let's "put it down" then? I'm starting to get annoyed with your air quotes.
I find them quite useful, like when referring to - a veterinarian as a "doctor.
" - Okay, Mr.
Waxman-- Save your breath.
Don't you see that his premature balding and feminine hands indicate masculinity issues, not unlike a dog who barks with no bite.
- I'm taking this animal.
- What? No, hey! That is not your dog.
- Give me my dog back! - Rizzo, run some interference.
George! What the hell? George, what are you doing? If we have any chance of saving this dog, we have to reason with that guy.
People are incapable of reason.
Why do you think they keep eating at Arby's? Oh, only you eat at Arby's! You still won't admit that arby's is delicious! Ow.
Hey! Don't.
Whoa, whoa.
Whoa! All right, we tried things your way, and now we go back to mine.
Hey, Rizzo, scrub in.
Rizzo is not scrubbing in.
Smooch him.
Smooch him.
What? Am I the only one who can sense the sexy tension? Has anyone seen Dr.
Coleman? About this high, emotionally unavailable? George, does having this new director mean I gotta take another drug test? Not a good time, Angela.
Because I passed the first one fair and square.
It's like a double jeopardy situation, and Frank agrees.
Who's Frank? My parole officer.
You call your parole officer by his first name? Well, yeah.
Once we started doing it, "Officer Kalinowski" was just a mouthful.
- Excuse me.
- Ms.
Crane, I am not peeing in a cup unless it's for money - or love.
- Okay.
Well, thank you, Angela.
That's good to know.
Mm-hmm.
George, where did you hide Waxman's dog? I can't tell you that.
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
Aha! So you admit that you hid him.
You don't get to "aha" about that.
I basically just told you.
Bengal tiger giving birth! There were complications at the zoo! Give her two ccs of ketamine and one cc of medetomidine! Juanita, get my scrubs! Why wasn't I notified? Because Dr.
Jackson and Dr.
Yamamoto - are gonna handle this.
- No, no! My guys answer to me, not you.
Whoa! Guys, stand down.
Sorry, George, I'm a bad man.
I'm not sorry.
This is goin' on the highlight reel.
Traitors! This is not working for me.
Tell me where Waxman's dog is.
Fine, fine, you win.
Dr.
Wong's office.
- Thank you, George.
- You're welcome.
George, there's no Dr.
Wong here, is there? No, there is not.
Deception.
Keepin' it sexy.
Yeah.
I gotta go clean this guy's butt.
- There you go.
- Okay, watch their heart rates and keep 'em stimulated, all right? - Thank you.
- Everybody out.
Everybody out, except for you two.
I'm so sorry, George.
I am so sorry! Save it, Yamamoto.
That's your second strike.
What was my first strike? When did we get on a strike system? And covering my morning shifts for the next month - is not gonna make it up to me.
- Then I'll cover two months.
Make it four, and then I'll let you buy me dinner.
Thank you so much, George, but not tomorrow night 'cause Doug and I have dinner with Dorothy.
N- not the Dorothy that you know, we know an African-American Dorothy.
Good one.
Why are you having dinner with Dorothy? Frankly, it's none of your business.
Yamamoto, tell me everything.
Doug had coffee with her this morning.
There might have been a Danish involved.
- He wanted romantic love advice.
- Oh.
I am so sorry.
I'm a coward, and you know that.
Dorothy thinks, and I-- I happen to agree that I just-- I need some time to heal myself emotionally.
I gave you all the advice you need.
Yeah, and your advice sucked.
I confronted Dr.
Shankar, just like you told me to, in front of my girlfriend, and he kicked my ass.
And his girlfriend saw everything.
It was so humiliating.
So she wasn't even a little bit turned on? No, in fact, there's a restraining order filed against me now, and I have to stay at least 50 yards away from her at all times.
You need to move on.
It's time to wrestle with another gazelle.
I am not a gazelle.
I'm not a termite! I'm going to get you laid.
- Okay.
- All right, let's go.
Yeah.
We're gonna learn a lot today.
- Okay, good.
- A woman's dog will tell you everything you need to know about her.
Right there, brunette with the terrier.
Now, that's a rarified breed.
Very well-trained, definitely out of your league.
- Okay.
- Redhead with the dachshund? Skip it.
I spy a closet racist.
That's a sexy racist.
Babe with the great Dane? The great Dane is the Subaru of dogs.
That woman is a lesbian.
You're just talkin' out of your ass.
You can't know that.
That's her sister.
All right, what about-- Okay, look, these two.
All right.
Two young ladies and their pugs, carefree, vivacious, ready to party.
Dwayne, go break the ice.
Yeah.
That's a good boy.
Oh, hey.
There's my special guy.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You know, I don't think that we have ever seen two pugs as adorable as yours.
No, and-- and we're veterinarians.
You know, we've seen our share of good-looking pugs.
This adorable pug's my everything.
That's cute.
Hopefully not everything.
- What do you mean? - I mean, just-- Generally speaking, you know, pugs have a short lifespan.
- That's not true.
- You're saying he's gonna die soon? - No.
- No.
- No.
- No, that's-- no.
No, no.
Not what I'm saying.
That is-- What I'm saying is, judging from the paw size on that guy-- He's a very healthy dog.
He is gonna live to be at least eight.
But he's already ten.
- Look at that.
- Is he? Every day's a gift.
- Who's thirsty? - Me.
I'm gonna throw up.
Ah! This is why I'm not keen on friends.
Oh, good.
George, tap me out! - No, you're doin' great.
- I'm losing, George.
Hey, George, can I have a word with you? Huh? Yeah, I got a minute.
Very funny, Yamamoto.
I'm losing, George! I need help.
- So I talked to Waxman - Mm.
And he just wants one thing, whole mess goes away.
Great, happy to do it.
You're not gonna be happy to do it.
- You don't know me.
- I do.
No, I've changed.
Whole new person.
He wants you to apologize.
- No, absolutely not.
- George, seriously! Work with me here.
I don't work with people.
This is my hospital.
I'm not going halfsies, so please disappear the way that you did last time.
- What are you saying? - Two years ago, I leave to go pick us up some thai food, when I get back, you're gone.
No explanation.
And do you remember what I said to you before you went to go get that thai food? "I want Tom Yum Goong.
" I told you I loved you, and do you remember what you said back to me? "Awesome.
" I told you I loved you, and you said, "awesome.
" You know what? This little experiment of us working together is goin' bust, so if you're not leaving, then I will.
- You're not leaving.
- I am leaving.
I quit.
- George, don't do this.
- Watch me.
Fine.
I guess you get to be the one who leaves now.
Hey, George, if you're done over there, can you help me out? Don't forget jaws.
I told myself I wasn't gonna cry.
I lied to myself.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.
He's fine, okay? He's probably got offers from, like, five different hospitals already.
You're a really bad lady.
- You're worse than my wife.
- Oh.
But you're still sexy.
He's a riddle.
I- I-- Waxman called.
He's gonna be here in an hour, and he's threatening to call the police.
I can't fix anything until I find the dog.
Do you-- do you have any idea of where George would hide the dog? No.
But I got a feeling I know who does.
Sorry, Ms.
Crane, but we have a fifth amendment situation on our hands, and you're gonna have to talk to my attorney, but good luck with that, 'cause he's in Rikers, doing five to sev-- - I'll give you Columbus Day off.
Throw in Arbor Day, and we have a deal.
- Done.
- One missing yorkie, comin' right up.
George sure had you running in circles, didn't he? Yeah, wouldn't be the first time.
You know, not all dogs go to heaven.
Sometimes they just end up in the ground.
Uh, I'll-- I'll just take the next one.
No, no, no.
Come on in, it's your elevator now.
Rizzo, make room.
Okay.
Thanks, Rizzo.
You're such a gentleman.
- Goin' home early? - Yeah.
Yeah, it's been a hard day.
Mm-hmm.
Ten years of being here, everything I have fits in this box.
You know I didn't want it this way.
No, no.
I'm glad.
I'm going on vacation.
Rizzo's always wanted to learn how to water-ski, so-- - How's it going with Waxman? - Great.
Great.
Got it all under control.
Then why is your purse barking? I was gonna pose as her owner and take her to another animal hospital.
- Interesting.
- What am I supposed to do? Okay? She needs the surgery, and I don't want any doctors here getting into trouble.
If only you knew a doctor here who's not a doctor here.
Okay.
You believe that miscreant wanted to put this beautiful dog to sleep? Wonder why I'm not a fan of most people.
One day you're gonna have to accept the fact that you're part of the human race.
Are we really that bad? - Hold this right here.
- Right here? - Yup.
- Okay.
- Don't move.
- Just like that? Whoa.
- What'd you do? - What? No, what? - I didn't do anything.
- What did you do? You did.
- No, you did something.
- I just did what you told me to do.
I haven't even moved it.
Just kidding.
Oh.
Well, Mr.
Waxman, I guess you are what your dog eats.
Honey! Oh, easy, Lily.
Honey's had a rough day.
You kidnap my dog and then perform surgery? Yes, I did.
You can pay on your way out.
You better lawyer up 'cause I'm gonna sue you and you - and the monkey! - Dr.
Coleman, will you please show Mr.
Waxman what you removed from Honey's stomach? I believe this is a coaster from Dazzles.
- Dazzles is a strip club.
- Yeah.
Big scoop, divorced man frequents strip club.
So what? Here's what.
Your little girl's gonna grow up and one day figure out that her father, who she trusted and loved, killed her dog because she ate a coaster from a strip club, and this is gonna fill her with such anger towards you, that in ten years, you're gonna walk into Dazzles, and find that swinging from a pole is none other than your little girl.
And you know what name I bet she's gonna go by? Honey! We accept all major credit cards.
That felt awesome.
See, "awesome" is not that bad a word.
Good luck with this place, Dorothy.
Hey, I would, uh, tell you that I am sad to see you leave, but that would probably just make you uncomfortable, right? It's already making me uncomfortable.
Exactly.
That is why I'm here to tell you something that I know you will appreciate.
You will never guess what happened to me last night.
You took home a curvaceous redhead who attacked you with a sexual ferocity you've never known before.
Yeah.
Wha-- ? That was a shockingly accurate guess.
That's, uh, eh, like, you got me a hooker.
You got me a hooker.
I didn't get you a hooker.
I may have mentioned the name of your favorite bar to Dr.
Shankar's ex-girlfriend, who also did not appreciate getting dumped.
Really? You made that happen? You bet.
As any Siberian tiger will illustrate, revenge is a subhuman instinct.
Siberian tigers will spend weeks hunting and killing anything that's harmed them.
Humans call this an anger bang or a grudge f-- Yes! Yes, I heard that one before.
I told you, George, didn't I? You are a friend.
Hey, Doug, uh, can I get a second with George? Oh, I guess so.
Please unpack your box.
At the end of the day, it's about the animals, and nobody knows animals like George Coleman.
Come on, Dorothy.
Too much history for us both to be here.
I don't believe that, and I'd like to think that you don't either.
I hope I see you tomorrow, George.
Oh.
Taxi! Hey! What? I should've said it.
I should've told you how I felt two years ago.
Wow, George.
You may actually have a heart in there.
Heart's just a muscle, Dorothy, nothing more.
If I'm gonna romanticize an organ, it certainly won't be that one.
So this is gonna be okay? You tried to sneak a dog out in your purse today to save it.
That is impetuous and stupid.
That was like something I would've done.
Want to get a drink? I don't think so.
Come on, just a drink.
No, it's never just a drink with us.
I know, that's why I like drinking with you.
Good night, George.
I was listening the whole time, George, and she wants it.
I mean, like, she wants to do the horizontal hula, and by, like, the horizontal hula, I mean she wants you to put your bread into her basket.
Yeah, no, I got you.
Hey, you still want to get that drink? Yeah, I don't know.
Got some beers I took from some kids.
Told 'em I was a cop.
Idiots.
Hey, have you seen Dr.
Coleman? George? Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
You weren't interrupting.
We're just inspecting the fractured femur of a St.
Bernard - that came in yesterday.
- Oh.
Well, I'm glad to hear things are running so smoothly.
- Go! Go! Go! - Yes! - Oh, no! - Come on! Come on! - Yes! - Yeah! Boom! Yeah! - Still goin'! - I told you.
- Pay up, Riz.
- Pay him, monkey.
Come on, monkey, pay up.
All of it.
All of it.
Thank you.
Eat it, Rizzo.