Animal, Vegetable, Mineral? (21952) s07e01 Episode Script
The Victoria and Albert Museum
Good evening and welcome to the beginning of another season of Animal, Vegetable, Mineral? In which, you are invited, and some experts to assist you, in identifying objects which come from a museum.
There'll be many objects, and the object is for the experts to get to 20 marks, three for each thing that is presented in the time at our disposal.
The objects tonight, come from the Victoria and Albert Museum and here are the three experts, who are going to assist you in this process of identification.
Sir Mortimer Wheeler, who has come fresh back from Africa, where he's been doing something with hippopotami in Zimbabwe.
You didn't know that, did you? Professor Thomas Bodkin, who's been at homeand then, Mr Hugh Shortt, who says, this is past his bedtime, and how right he is.
And now here is the first object, which is challenging you all tonight And it's made of metal.
This is what it is.
And now, Mr Shortt, would you like to begin with this? I should tell you that one of the objects tonight, will not come from the Victoria and Albert Museum.
And it's the idea that you get an extra mark, if you identify the odd object out.
It's a form of padlock.
It's a form of padlock, correct.
It's a kind that was used in England, as a matter of fact, in the Middle Ages.
I don't think this is English.
Correct.
It's made of iron, did you know that? Yes.
You said that, did you? No, I didn't, nor did I know it.
He's come clean.
It's the kind where you push the key in from this end and it releases springs then you can pull that end out.
You can pull that end out if you try.
The Romans used it, but it's not Roman.
It's long after No, it's locked.
Take care of it as you pull, it may fall to bits No, it's firmly locked.
You've got three No.
What? No marks have been given yet.
He said, it's a padlock made of iron.
Well, that was all right.
Not from England, did you say? I said, not from England.
So far, so good.
Date? Place? Tell me, Professor Bodkin It's not terribly old.
There are so many of us on this programme who are terribly old, you must specify it.
17th or 18th century, something like that.
Correct.
Well, now you've certainly got three, if there's any justice.
There's nothing else to say.
Can you make it work? I tried before Have you got the key? To push the spring in.
Oh, well then, I was making it work in the wrong way.
You've probably broken it That's possible.
It's been so long since we did this, I've forgotten how and I feel shy and embarrassed.
Tell us, 17th or 18th century not England, European is it? Is it north-European? Yes, correct, correct, correct.
It comes from Sweden, from the 17th century.
Well, I made it work, but I can't guarantee to make it work now.
I thought I did before, because it all came out.
There it is, it's very simple, you don't need a key.
We didn't want to break it.
Quite right Three marks, and that's a fine beginning for the 77th session, or whatever it is of AVM.
Now here's the next object.
Which is made of odd little pieces of this and that and is coloured black and pink and yellow and you might find at the bottom of anybody's bed.
It might be a hot-water bottle cover? This is what it is.
And now, Professor Bodkin There you are, and good luck to you, Tom.
Hot-water bottle, did you say? No, I didn't.
Well, somebody said it.
I don't think it was me Now, you're taking it to bits.
No, no.
Smoking Smoking? For use during smoking? No, it is smoking Oh, I beg your pardon.
Dust.
What's this? That's the museum number.
It's very obtrusive.
Now, I can make nothing of this I'd hate to find it at the bottom of my bed.
Continent? Africa.
Hugh Shortt.
That way.
I beg your pardon, Mr Mortimer.
Handed control by the panel.
You said, not Africa? No.
He did.
Well, virtually.
Virtually not Africa.
I'd have said, correct.
It's a dolly, a peculiarly, unpleasant looking dolly.
I like it.
Yes, but you would, Glyn.
Erm, not Africa, not Europe? Not Africa, not Europe, correct.
Now you.
I'm wondering if it's South American.
Now, why are you wondering that? I don't know.
Give it to Hugh to play with.
I'll just plump for America.
Yes.
Does it not open at all? This is not the sort of thing one should do on this programme Well, an American doll.
Yes, correct.
Two marks.
What sort of American doll? A horrible looking doll.
Well, I would plump for the middle of America, rather than the extremity Yucatan.
Yes, you're right, you're doing very well.
Mexican.
Could be Isn't.
The middle of America, Central America, that's the expression.
Now, period.
Well, it might be fairly old, I think, but very difficult.
But what do you mean by fairly old in this context? Something after the European conquest, but not much after.
Now, Sir Mortimer, will you resolve these doubts? We've got to Central America We could go for Yucatan.
No, Central America's been accepted.
It's actually Peru.
So, I'll give you one mark for Central America, because I don't believe it's within the competence of you, very learned gentlemen, to get any nearer.
Either as to place or as to date? Well, try the date.
Medieval.
What does that mean in America? Are you going to say Columbian or post-Columbian as they've said? It was four or five years before Columbus arrived.
No.
A rare example of an early doll from Peru.
Pre-Columbian.
It is.
That's what I said.
You said, four or five years.
It's four or five centuries.
It's a very rare and very charming object.
One mark? Two I think, two.
One and one in hand.
Don't forget about the odd man out.
Now here's the next object, which is made of metal.
This is desperately interesting Do you know what this is? I think, very vaguely, yes.
The back is of no importance.
This is what it is.
And now, Sir Mortimer, would you like to have a look at this? Not very much.
You smoke cigars? Well, it is brass, or something of the sort.
Brass, I should say.
With a shield of arms and a very Renaissance, Italianate pattern.
Spanish It has here a series of little lamp holders.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
With places for the wicks and little places for the oil.
How are we getting on, Glyn? Rather well.
Oh, I'll pass it on then.
He's done very well.
It's Spanish, isn't it? What about the purpose, do you agree with the purpose? Yes, I wouldn't disagree with Sir Mortimer for any money.
So, what was the purpose? He said these were little holders for oil Now, what could they be used for? For lamps.
Do you mean, just for lighting the house normally? No It's a cardinal's hat at the top of these arms, isn't it? Yes He's trying to get rid of it.
I'm passing it to you now.
He's passing it on, saying that it's a cardinal's hat and Spanish.
Erm, these lamps have a very Indian appearance.
Nonsense.
Yes, they have.
But this doesn't look Indian at all.
Now you're making a very percipient remark.
Am I? That doesn't mean that they're Indian.
Don't go way by that.
You find a conflict of things there? Yes, I do.
Good.
This shield It's Iberian Yes, it is Iberian.
There is Jerusalem there, and various other Spanish things But what's that got to do with Iberia? Quite a lot.
It is Iberian.
Jerusalem in Iberia, you mean? Yes, Kings of Sicily, Kings of Jerusalem.
They're all connected with Spain.
You're all saying things that are very good.
Could it be Goanese? No, not Goanese.
Shall we try the date? Well, it's 18th century, isn't it? Oh, no, oh, no.
Thomas Bodkin, what do you say? Earlier.
Earlier, correct.
Not much earlier.
How much earlier? At least a century.
Correct.
Now, I think I've done fairly well, you can take it.
Finish it off.
Now, look what we've been presented with, something that's half Indian, half Iberian.
That is wrong.
Cancel Indian, there's nothing Indian about this whatsoever.
Quite right.
Hugh Shortt was talking through his little hat, bless his heart.
Cardinal's hat.
Yes, I see nothing Why Spanish? He saw Jerusalem there and said it was Spain.
Jerusalem isn't in Spain.
I know that.
It's Italianate Correct.
It's eight lamps, and it's Italianate, it's got a cardinal's arms, and it's from the 1600s.
1600s, correct.
For what sort of purpose could it be, because in Hugh's remark there was the gist of what it is It's a very, very bizarre object.
Bizarre.
It's not the sort of thing you expect to find That's the sort of thing you'd expect to find in something Hindu.
Hindu, oh nonsense.
Nearer, nearer.
No, no, no Halfway between Hindu and Italy.
That's a clue.
Muslim? Middle East? No.
Jewish, it's a Jewish lamp used at the Hanukkah Festival - it's one of the very, very rare ones that was used in Italy, and it was used and had the cardinal's arms put on it in the 16th century.
Very extraordinary.
Very curious, curious for the Jews to Very broad-minded of the cardinal.
A broad-minded cardinal.
But with the date and the cardinal and Italy, you did very well and you're going to have two.
I don't know anyone who knows anything about and there's one in hand.
Here's the next object.
We're going to do all right, aren't we? Well, yes.
I'm still waiting for you to say, this doesn't come from the V&A, this is what this next object is.
Several bonus marks in here.
And now, here is a very nice object, Professor Bodkin, what do you think of it? Why me? Because it's a pretty thing and a nice thing.
It's a gift, isn't it? Charming Delightful Some sort of chronometer.
In other words it's a watch.
Don't use long words, I don't understand them.
It sounds more It's a chronometer It's not quite so emphatic, is it? Room for manoeuvre.
Might be a sundial Having initiated the enquiry with the observation Don't start passing it to me yet Date, country, place? It's early 17th or late 16th century.
Correct.
Apparently made about 1620.
Early 17th It winds.
What sort of place would it be made in, do you think? Looks a bit clumsy for Italian.
Is it Spanish? Could it be Dutch? Hugh, have a look, was it made in Jerusalem? All these nasty remarks.
It's got some very bad engraving inside the lid.
Could it be English? Why, because it's bad inside the lid? No, no, nothing to do with that.
Could it be Russian? Who was it made for? It could be the sort of thing the Tudors made.
But for whom? It's got it on the face.
No, on the face of the of the watchor chronometer, or dial.
It has some signs, which correctly interpreted, would indicate a certain person.
Not even correctly interpreted.
But what are the signs? There are two faces here at least.
Oh, is it a pomegranate? Don't know.
Sir Mortimer, what do you think? We've got it to the early 17th century.
And it's made somewhere.
I suspect it was made for one of the Tudors.
17th century I thought you said 1620? That's right, was it, 1620? Yes, yes Wash out the Tudors.
Couldn't be the Tudors.
No, no.
It's got a thing that's either shorthand or Arabic.
1620, I said the date was.
I'm not disputing that.
Correct, it is Arabic.
It's Arabic, is it? It wasn't made by an Arab.
No.
Have we decided where it was made? No.
It was made in Western Europe.
Made in France, actually.
For the Arabic Market, with these inscriptions in Arabic on it.
Very, good.
Here is the next object.
What do we get for that? Two marks.
Do you think you want a third? No, I think that's fair enough.
Western Europe? Yes.
You said Western Europe, 17th century, for the Arabic or shorthand market and then Arabic.
Falling backwards Leaning backwards.
It's what politicians do.
This is what it is.
And now, Hugh Shortt, would you like to look at that? It's rather heavy.
It's a nasty thing.
It's made of bronze.
Represents a young woman, I can tell you that much.
Yes, I could have said that too.
Well, I said it first.
I wouldn't be knowing.
The style of hair, somehow reminds one of Egypt .
.
but obviously it's not Egyptian.
It's European, I think.
I think so.
What department of the V&A would you expect to find it in? Witchcraft.
Witchcraft department? Yes.
Is that a big one? No, very small one.
It's so bad it must be in the circulating department.
It may be bad, but it's most interesting.
Got a lot of little holes in it, in which you could stick pins.
Ahhh! Hence the witchcraft.
And the witch stuck pins in it, and her enemies were afflicted in the corresponding portions of their anatomy.
Is that right? No.
Well, that's what it seems to me, something trying to look Egyptian.
European, 17th century, perhaps.
Or later.
That's wrong.
And something which you stick pins.
Quite wrong, well you do stick pins, yes, but not for witchcraft reasons.
Is that not meant to look Egyptian? You've had something, rather like that, on AVM before.
Pretty heavy, is it not? Solid.
Good, solid stuff.
Is it a thing that a physician carried about? Now, here we come, very good.
And he brought it to a suffering patient and she put a mark, where the pain was.
Kind of thing, kind of thing.
Yes, nearly there.
That's a long way around.
It's a very long way around, yes.
And what sort of place would it be, do you think? Well, the Chinese did that.
Excellent.
I give you two marks straight away, now wait a minute.
It is a Chinese physician thing.
Now, Sir Mortimer, you have a look at it.
He's done so well, he must sit back.
Now, what do you want to know now? What is it called, the whole process? Called? This kind of business of There's long wordssort of, scarification, that sort of word.
I haven't the faintest notion what it's called.
But I agree it's certainly Eastern and Egyptian.
Chinese! Yes, he's quite right, it's Chinese.
What sort of date is it, do you think? Might be any date in the last two or three centuries.
It isn't, it's apparently 9th century.
It's as old as that, is it? Apparently it is.
It's a surgeon's acupuncture thing for trying to find out, as you say, where the pain is.
So, that was extremely good.
I think, that I'm going to give you at least two marks, I didn't know how to give you more There was a bonus one left over, wasn't there? Yes, there was.
Then, you've come to 12.
I didn't make sufficiently clear, to you, I think, this business about an object coming from another museum.
This one, comes from the Royal College of Surgeons.
That does? Yes.
If you'd said that, you would've had a bonus mark, but you had one anyhow, so don't complain.
Very good, next one.
This is what it is.
And now Who's going to look at this? Not Professor Bodkin, who's exhausted.
Sir Mortimer, what do you think? There's a little man here, surrendering, with his arms up.
He looks a nice person.
Yes, quite nice.
Neolithic art.
Various conventional patterns, along the side.
There's a slot, like a pillar box here in which you might fit some object.
Continent? Asia? Yes.
Oh, Asia, good enough.
Very good so far.
You carry on.
You take hold of it.
I'd rather not.
Plenty of nervous twitching of object between you two.
Hugh, I think it's your turn to take this after the great Bodkin act on the acupuncture.
It isn't Indian? It isn't Indian What do you mean by India? I mean, the Indian subcontinent, in the wider sense.
Ah.
No good? Well, depends how wide you are, Hugh.
That's not Indian anyway, whatever it is.
Oh, wait a minute, that could be Tibet.
Somewhere around there? I just didn't know what you meant by subcontinent in its wider Well, I didn't mean Tibet and that sort of area.
It could be, but it isn't quite, no, but you're getting there.
It's north of India, then, is it? It is Asia, but it isn't in the subcontinent, but it's quite near.
These things move, don't they? Don't think so.
What's the purpose of the thing? You said, you put something in it? It isn't a thing for weaving a sort of cloth? No, it isn't.
So, putting something in, as Mortimer said, but what? And where? Feathers? No.
You don't weave them in and out of these little No, no.
.
.
bars, you just slide it in there You slide something in there, that's right.
Now you've got it again.
That's hard luck, isn't it? On the confines of the subcontinent of India, I'm going to tell you.
Nepal? No.
Wrong way.
Burma? Correct.
I don't think you're going to do much more than get one mark for this.
There's nothing particularly Burmese about it, I may say.
It's a Kachin axe holder, whereas the axe itself is for chopping people's heads off.
The one man on that The one man on that probably means that only one man so far has had his head chopped off.
But there's no room for another.
Oh, I think we could fit a few more little heads on it.
That axe looks as if it could do with more than a few heads.
Yes, it does.
One.
Next object which is made of metal.
This is what it is.
Now, Hugh Shortt, would you like to start by looking at this? I think, extremely nice thing.
Rhetorical question, is it? I don't know how well the viewers have seen the design.
It's been very recently cleaned.
It's been specially prepared.
A Christian object.
Yes.
The Crucifixion.
Yes.
It looks to me archaic, rather than old.
That's a nice distinction, I mean, how does that apply to us, for example? That is what we shall discover, we hope.
Archaic, rather than old, yes.
Archaistic, perhaps I should've said.
It's made of silver.
Yes.
And it has two copper rivets.
It appears to be a thing carried on a belt.
Purpose? Well, I don't know of any spoons Date? Except for christening.
Is it a spoon to mix water and wine? Getting there It's not older than 17th century, probably later.
A sacrifice? Yes.
It's a mass, an object for a mass.
What sort of church would you expect it to be? Well, I'd expect it to be in a Greek church.
Correct.
And do you accept his view of the date? Yes, I didn't hear it, but I accept it.
I don't think I quite heard it either.
Having said it's an object for mixing wine and water, in a Byzantine rite, I rest on that.
It's actually for, at the Eucharist, taking the bread out of the wine.
This modern repair thing.
What sort of date would you expect it to be? Oh, last two or three centuries.
Correct.
Yes, 18th-19th century.
Now, that brings the panel, three marks on that very, very good identification - brings them up to, one, two, three, to 1716.
Now here is the last object.
We've got to get four on this to win You've got to get four on this to win, which you can't.
So we haven't won.
Oh, there's a bonus mark, isn't there? Yes, there's a bonus mark.
Which you've already had.
This is what it is.
Now, Sir Mortimer, what is this thing? What do you think that is? Well, it's wood.
Right, one mark.
It's carved wood and it has a name upon it.
E-R-N-R-O I can give you 30 seconds I see.
It's a mould Correct.
.
.
for impressing wax.
Correct.
What sort of wax, then? Paper.
Candle wax.
Would you please show the candle that would have been made from this? Perhaps you'd like to light it for us, if you have a match at all? I dare say I have It's a very handsome thing.
Yes, it is.
Actually, of course, more than There are four sides to the thing.
The whole thing went around and made this particular kind of candle.
I shall light a candle for a better understanding of thine heart.
There it is.
Thank you very much, that's splendid.
It doesn't really matter how many marks anybody has, because they haven't really got to the total.
19 You didn't get the date.
Anyhow, that brings them to the end - with one mark short of the total they should've got because they gossiped so much about archaism and things In a fortnight's time the challenger will be the Imperial War Museum and the panel on that occasion will be Brigadier Mortimer Wheeler, Colonel Appleby and Lieutenant Charles Thomas.
Until then, good night.
There'll be many objects, and the object is for the experts to get to 20 marks, three for each thing that is presented in the time at our disposal.
The objects tonight, come from the Victoria and Albert Museum and here are the three experts, who are going to assist you in this process of identification.
Sir Mortimer Wheeler, who has come fresh back from Africa, where he's been doing something with hippopotami in Zimbabwe.
You didn't know that, did you? Professor Thomas Bodkin, who's been at homeand then, Mr Hugh Shortt, who says, this is past his bedtime, and how right he is.
And now here is the first object, which is challenging you all tonight And it's made of metal.
This is what it is.
And now, Mr Shortt, would you like to begin with this? I should tell you that one of the objects tonight, will not come from the Victoria and Albert Museum.
And it's the idea that you get an extra mark, if you identify the odd object out.
It's a form of padlock.
It's a form of padlock, correct.
It's a kind that was used in England, as a matter of fact, in the Middle Ages.
I don't think this is English.
Correct.
It's made of iron, did you know that? Yes.
You said that, did you? No, I didn't, nor did I know it.
He's come clean.
It's the kind where you push the key in from this end and it releases springs then you can pull that end out.
You can pull that end out if you try.
The Romans used it, but it's not Roman.
It's long after No, it's locked.
Take care of it as you pull, it may fall to bits No, it's firmly locked.
You've got three No.
What? No marks have been given yet.
He said, it's a padlock made of iron.
Well, that was all right.
Not from England, did you say? I said, not from England.
So far, so good.
Date? Place? Tell me, Professor Bodkin It's not terribly old.
There are so many of us on this programme who are terribly old, you must specify it.
17th or 18th century, something like that.
Correct.
Well, now you've certainly got three, if there's any justice.
There's nothing else to say.
Can you make it work? I tried before Have you got the key? To push the spring in.
Oh, well then, I was making it work in the wrong way.
You've probably broken it That's possible.
It's been so long since we did this, I've forgotten how and I feel shy and embarrassed.
Tell us, 17th or 18th century not England, European is it? Is it north-European? Yes, correct, correct, correct.
It comes from Sweden, from the 17th century.
Well, I made it work, but I can't guarantee to make it work now.
I thought I did before, because it all came out.
There it is, it's very simple, you don't need a key.
We didn't want to break it.
Quite right Three marks, and that's a fine beginning for the 77th session, or whatever it is of AVM.
Now here's the next object.
Which is made of odd little pieces of this and that and is coloured black and pink and yellow and you might find at the bottom of anybody's bed.
It might be a hot-water bottle cover? This is what it is.
And now, Professor Bodkin There you are, and good luck to you, Tom.
Hot-water bottle, did you say? No, I didn't.
Well, somebody said it.
I don't think it was me Now, you're taking it to bits.
No, no.
Smoking Smoking? For use during smoking? No, it is smoking Oh, I beg your pardon.
Dust.
What's this? That's the museum number.
It's very obtrusive.
Now, I can make nothing of this I'd hate to find it at the bottom of my bed.
Continent? Africa.
Hugh Shortt.
That way.
I beg your pardon, Mr Mortimer.
Handed control by the panel.
You said, not Africa? No.
He did.
Well, virtually.
Virtually not Africa.
I'd have said, correct.
It's a dolly, a peculiarly, unpleasant looking dolly.
I like it.
Yes, but you would, Glyn.
Erm, not Africa, not Europe? Not Africa, not Europe, correct.
Now you.
I'm wondering if it's South American.
Now, why are you wondering that? I don't know.
Give it to Hugh to play with.
I'll just plump for America.
Yes.
Does it not open at all? This is not the sort of thing one should do on this programme Well, an American doll.
Yes, correct.
Two marks.
What sort of American doll? A horrible looking doll.
Well, I would plump for the middle of America, rather than the extremity Yucatan.
Yes, you're right, you're doing very well.
Mexican.
Could be Isn't.
The middle of America, Central America, that's the expression.
Now, period.
Well, it might be fairly old, I think, but very difficult.
But what do you mean by fairly old in this context? Something after the European conquest, but not much after.
Now, Sir Mortimer, will you resolve these doubts? We've got to Central America We could go for Yucatan.
No, Central America's been accepted.
It's actually Peru.
So, I'll give you one mark for Central America, because I don't believe it's within the competence of you, very learned gentlemen, to get any nearer.
Either as to place or as to date? Well, try the date.
Medieval.
What does that mean in America? Are you going to say Columbian or post-Columbian as they've said? It was four or five years before Columbus arrived.
No.
A rare example of an early doll from Peru.
Pre-Columbian.
It is.
That's what I said.
You said, four or five years.
It's four or five centuries.
It's a very rare and very charming object.
One mark? Two I think, two.
One and one in hand.
Don't forget about the odd man out.
Now here's the next object, which is made of metal.
This is desperately interesting Do you know what this is? I think, very vaguely, yes.
The back is of no importance.
This is what it is.
And now, Sir Mortimer, would you like to have a look at this? Not very much.
You smoke cigars? Well, it is brass, or something of the sort.
Brass, I should say.
With a shield of arms and a very Renaissance, Italianate pattern.
Spanish It has here a series of little lamp holders.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
With places for the wicks and little places for the oil.
How are we getting on, Glyn? Rather well.
Oh, I'll pass it on then.
He's done very well.
It's Spanish, isn't it? What about the purpose, do you agree with the purpose? Yes, I wouldn't disagree with Sir Mortimer for any money.
So, what was the purpose? He said these were little holders for oil Now, what could they be used for? For lamps.
Do you mean, just for lighting the house normally? No It's a cardinal's hat at the top of these arms, isn't it? Yes He's trying to get rid of it.
I'm passing it to you now.
He's passing it on, saying that it's a cardinal's hat and Spanish.
Erm, these lamps have a very Indian appearance.
Nonsense.
Yes, they have.
But this doesn't look Indian at all.
Now you're making a very percipient remark.
Am I? That doesn't mean that they're Indian.
Don't go way by that.
You find a conflict of things there? Yes, I do.
Good.
This shield It's Iberian Yes, it is Iberian.
There is Jerusalem there, and various other Spanish things But what's that got to do with Iberia? Quite a lot.
It is Iberian.
Jerusalem in Iberia, you mean? Yes, Kings of Sicily, Kings of Jerusalem.
They're all connected with Spain.
You're all saying things that are very good.
Could it be Goanese? No, not Goanese.
Shall we try the date? Well, it's 18th century, isn't it? Oh, no, oh, no.
Thomas Bodkin, what do you say? Earlier.
Earlier, correct.
Not much earlier.
How much earlier? At least a century.
Correct.
Now, I think I've done fairly well, you can take it.
Finish it off.
Now, look what we've been presented with, something that's half Indian, half Iberian.
That is wrong.
Cancel Indian, there's nothing Indian about this whatsoever.
Quite right.
Hugh Shortt was talking through his little hat, bless his heart.
Cardinal's hat.
Yes, I see nothing Why Spanish? He saw Jerusalem there and said it was Spain.
Jerusalem isn't in Spain.
I know that.
It's Italianate Correct.
It's eight lamps, and it's Italianate, it's got a cardinal's arms, and it's from the 1600s.
1600s, correct.
For what sort of purpose could it be, because in Hugh's remark there was the gist of what it is It's a very, very bizarre object.
Bizarre.
It's not the sort of thing you expect to find That's the sort of thing you'd expect to find in something Hindu.
Hindu, oh nonsense.
Nearer, nearer.
No, no, no Halfway between Hindu and Italy.
That's a clue.
Muslim? Middle East? No.
Jewish, it's a Jewish lamp used at the Hanukkah Festival - it's one of the very, very rare ones that was used in Italy, and it was used and had the cardinal's arms put on it in the 16th century.
Very extraordinary.
Very curious, curious for the Jews to Very broad-minded of the cardinal.
A broad-minded cardinal.
But with the date and the cardinal and Italy, you did very well and you're going to have two.
I don't know anyone who knows anything about and there's one in hand.
Here's the next object.
We're going to do all right, aren't we? Well, yes.
I'm still waiting for you to say, this doesn't come from the V&A, this is what this next object is.
Several bonus marks in here.
And now, here is a very nice object, Professor Bodkin, what do you think of it? Why me? Because it's a pretty thing and a nice thing.
It's a gift, isn't it? Charming Delightful Some sort of chronometer.
In other words it's a watch.
Don't use long words, I don't understand them.
It sounds more It's a chronometer It's not quite so emphatic, is it? Room for manoeuvre.
Might be a sundial Having initiated the enquiry with the observation Don't start passing it to me yet Date, country, place? It's early 17th or late 16th century.
Correct.
Apparently made about 1620.
Early 17th It winds.
What sort of place would it be made in, do you think? Looks a bit clumsy for Italian.
Is it Spanish? Could it be Dutch? Hugh, have a look, was it made in Jerusalem? All these nasty remarks.
It's got some very bad engraving inside the lid.
Could it be English? Why, because it's bad inside the lid? No, no, nothing to do with that.
Could it be Russian? Who was it made for? It could be the sort of thing the Tudors made.
But for whom? It's got it on the face.
No, on the face of the of the watchor chronometer, or dial.
It has some signs, which correctly interpreted, would indicate a certain person.
Not even correctly interpreted.
But what are the signs? There are two faces here at least.
Oh, is it a pomegranate? Don't know.
Sir Mortimer, what do you think? We've got it to the early 17th century.
And it's made somewhere.
I suspect it was made for one of the Tudors.
17th century I thought you said 1620? That's right, was it, 1620? Yes, yes Wash out the Tudors.
Couldn't be the Tudors.
No, no.
It's got a thing that's either shorthand or Arabic.
1620, I said the date was.
I'm not disputing that.
Correct, it is Arabic.
It's Arabic, is it? It wasn't made by an Arab.
No.
Have we decided where it was made? No.
It was made in Western Europe.
Made in France, actually.
For the Arabic Market, with these inscriptions in Arabic on it.
Very, good.
Here is the next object.
What do we get for that? Two marks.
Do you think you want a third? No, I think that's fair enough.
Western Europe? Yes.
You said Western Europe, 17th century, for the Arabic or shorthand market and then Arabic.
Falling backwards Leaning backwards.
It's what politicians do.
This is what it is.
And now, Hugh Shortt, would you like to look at that? It's rather heavy.
It's a nasty thing.
It's made of bronze.
Represents a young woman, I can tell you that much.
Yes, I could have said that too.
Well, I said it first.
I wouldn't be knowing.
The style of hair, somehow reminds one of Egypt .
.
but obviously it's not Egyptian.
It's European, I think.
I think so.
What department of the V&A would you expect to find it in? Witchcraft.
Witchcraft department? Yes.
Is that a big one? No, very small one.
It's so bad it must be in the circulating department.
It may be bad, but it's most interesting.
Got a lot of little holes in it, in which you could stick pins.
Ahhh! Hence the witchcraft.
And the witch stuck pins in it, and her enemies were afflicted in the corresponding portions of their anatomy.
Is that right? No.
Well, that's what it seems to me, something trying to look Egyptian.
European, 17th century, perhaps.
Or later.
That's wrong.
And something which you stick pins.
Quite wrong, well you do stick pins, yes, but not for witchcraft reasons.
Is that not meant to look Egyptian? You've had something, rather like that, on AVM before.
Pretty heavy, is it not? Solid.
Good, solid stuff.
Is it a thing that a physician carried about? Now, here we come, very good.
And he brought it to a suffering patient and she put a mark, where the pain was.
Kind of thing, kind of thing.
Yes, nearly there.
That's a long way around.
It's a very long way around, yes.
And what sort of place would it be, do you think? Well, the Chinese did that.
Excellent.
I give you two marks straight away, now wait a minute.
It is a Chinese physician thing.
Now, Sir Mortimer, you have a look at it.
He's done so well, he must sit back.
Now, what do you want to know now? What is it called, the whole process? Called? This kind of business of There's long wordssort of, scarification, that sort of word.
I haven't the faintest notion what it's called.
But I agree it's certainly Eastern and Egyptian.
Chinese! Yes, he's quite right, it's Chinese.
What sort of date is it, do you think? Might be any date in the last two or three centuries.
It isn't, it's apparently 9th century.
It's as old as that, is it? Apparently it is.
It's a surgeon's acupuncture thing for trying to find out, as you say, where the pain is.
So, that was extremely good.
I think, that I'm going to give you at least two marks, I didn't know how to give you more There was a bonus one left over, wasn't there? Yes, there was.
Then, you've come to 12.
I didn't make sufficiently clear, to you, I think, this business about an object coming from another museum.
This one, comes from the Royal College of Surgeons.
That does? Yes.
If you'd said that, you would've had a bonus mark, but you had one anyhow, so don't complain.
Very good, next one.
This is what it is.
And now Who's going to look at this? Not Professor Bodkin, who's exhausted.
Sir Mortimer, what do you think? There's a little man here, surrendering, with his arms up.
He looks a nice person.
Yes, quite nice.
Neolithic art.
Various conventional patterns, along the side.
There's a slot, like a pillar box here in which you might fit some object.
Continent? Asia? Yes.
Oh, Asia, good enough.
Very good so far.
You carry on.
You take hold of it.
I'd rather not.
Plenty of nervous twitching of object between you two.
Hugh, I think it's your turn to take this after the great Bodkin act on the acupuncture.
It isn't Indian? It isn't Indian What do you mean by India? I mean, the Indian subcontinent, in the wider sense.
Ah.
No good? Well, depends how wide you are, Hugh.
That's not Indian anyway, whatever it is.
Oh, wait a minute, that could be Tibet.
Somewhere around there? I just didn't know what you meant by subcontinent in its wider Well, I didn't mean Tibet and that sort of area.
It could be, but it isn't quite, no, but you're getting there.
It's north of India, then, is it? It is Asia, but it isn't in the subcontinent, but it's quite near.
These things move, don't they? Don't think so.
What's the purpose of the thing? You said, you put something in it? It isn't a thing for weaving a sort of cloth? No, it isn't.
So, putting something in, as Mortimer said, but what? And where? Feathers? No.
You don't weave them in and out of these little No, no.
.
.
bars, you just slide it in there You slide something in there, that's right.
Now you've got it again.
That's hard luck, isn't it? On the confines of the subcontinent of India, I'm going to tell you.
Nepal? No.
Wrong way.
Burma? Correct.
I don't think you're going to do much more than get one mark for this.
There's nothing particularly Burmese about it, I may say.
It's a Kachin axe holder, whereas the axe itself is for chopping people's heads off.
The one man on that The one man on that probably means that only one man so far has had his head chopped off.
But there's no room for another.
Oh, I think we could fit a few more little heads on it.
That axe looks as if it could do with more than a few heads.
Yes, it does.
One.
Next object which is made of metal.
This is what it is.
Now, Hugh Shortt, would you like to start by looking at this? I think, extremely nice thing.
Rhetorical question, is it? I don't know how well the viewers have seen the design.
It's been very recently cleaned.
It's been specially prepared.
A Christian object.
Yes.
The Crucifixion.
Yes.
It looks to me archaic, rather than old.
That's a nice distinction, I mean, how does that apply to us, for example? That is what we shall discover, we hope.
Archaic, rather than old, yes.
Archaistic, perhaps I should've said.
It's made of silver.
Yes.
And it has two copper rivets.
It appears to be a thing carried on a belt.
Purpose? Well, I don't know of any spoons Date? Except for christening.
Is it a spoon to mix water and wine? Getting there It's not older than 17th century, probably later.
A sacrifice? Yes.
It's a mass, an object for a mass.
What sort of church would you expect it to be? Well, I'd expect it to be in a Greek church.
Correct.
And do you accept his view of the date? Yes, I didn't hear it, but I accept it.
I don't think I quite heard it either.
Having said it's an object for mixing wine and water, in a Byzantine rite, I rest on that.
It's actually for, at the Eucharist, taking the bread out of the wine.
This modern repair thing.
What sort of date would you expect it to be? Oh, last two or three centuries.
Correct.
Yes, 18th-19th century.
Now, that brings the panel, three marks on that very, very good identification - brings them up to, one, two, three, to 1716.
Now here is the last object.
We've got to get four on this to win You've got to get four on this to win, which you can't.
So we haven't won.
Oh, there's a bonus mark, isn't there? Yes, there's a bonus mark.
Which you've already had.
This is what it is.
Now, Sir Mortimer, what is this thing? What do you think that is? Well, it's wood.
Right, one mark.
It's carved wood and it has a name upon it.
E-R-N-R-O I can give you 30 seconds I see.
It's a mould Correct.
.
.
for impressing wax.
Correct.
What sort of wax, then? Paper.
Candle wax.
Would you please show the candle that would have been made from this? Perhaps you'd like to light it for us, if you have a match at all? I dare say I have It's a very handsome thing.
Yes, it is.
Actually, of course, more than There are four sides to the thing.
The whole thing went around and made this particular kind of candle.
I shall light a candle for a better understanding of thine heart.
There it is.
Thank you very much, that's splendid.
It doesn't really matter how many marks anybody has, because they haven't really got to the total.
19 You didn't get the date.
Anyhow, that brings them to the end - with one mark short of the total they should've got because they gossiped so much about archaism and things In a fortnight's time the challenger will be the Imperial War Museum and the panel on that occasion will be Brigadier Mortimer Wheeler, Colonel Appleby and Lieutenant Charles Thomas.
Until then, good night.