Animals. (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

1 (theme music playing) Animals Animals Narrator: Since the dawn of time, - predator and prey have coexisted - (roars) - (cawing) - in a symbiotic relationship keeping the cycle of life progressing ever forward.
For some, it is up to the young to learn from their adult elders the way of hunting.
For others, it will take some time before they learn to fend for themselves.
And for others more, they themselves can be their own worst enemy in an ongoing quest for survival.
And that's where we'll begin, on the ground floor.
(chuckles) Can I be honest with you for a second? You're like so fucking hot.
Like, I mean really (chuckles) And I I really like you.
Can I kiss you? (chuckles) Really? (breathes excitedly) Okay.
(moaning) - Phil.
Phil, check it out.
- What the fuck, Mike? - Jesus Christ, knock, dude! - Ew.
Were you making out with us? No, that's a smudge-mark thing.
Dude, what the fuck are you wearing? - It's a snakeskin jacket.
- You're not wearing that to our date with Laura and Daphne.
You're not fucking I of course am wearing this to our date.
Why do you think I got it? Why do you have a jacket? We don't have arms.
It's snakeskin, dude.
First of all, you're obsessed with snakes.
- We're fucking worms! - Yes, I am obsessed with snakes.
You don't look like a snake.
You look like fucking Eddie Murphy in Delirious, honestly.
All right, that's cool too.
I fucking love Eddie Murphy.
- Are you kidding me? - Yeah, so do I.
He's the greatest.
- Where's he been? - He's fucking so funny.
- Where's he been? - I don't know.
- It's like, "You know, my brother.
" - No, don't do Eddie Murphy.
- Just don't do it, 'cause All right? - I know, I know You felt it.
You felt it, right? You know why you can't do that.
I know, I know.
I gotta admit, seeing you gesture with arms is making me a little jealous.
- Like this? - Oh! - Hmm? - Do a thinking man.
- Whoa! - Huh? - I know, right? It's crazy.
- It's cool! - Can you cross 'em? That's tough.
- Let's see.
- (whooshes) - (both laugh) - Dude, I - I love this.
- I could do this - Dude, this is crazy! I need to go to a wedding or something.
- Yeah.
Oh my God.
- I would take over the dance floor - and just go like this.
- You look good in that jacket.
- Thank you.
- See, now we're gonna go on the date, and I'm gonna be this, and they're gonna think I'm freaking milquetoast.
I gotta be honest, you look a little boring.
All right.
I gotta do something.
- I gotta - What do you think if we go into a movie outfit-changing montage scene real quick? Can I try on a bunch of different outfits? That sounds great.
- Here we go! - (shouts) Tadah! It's a straw.
I just taped it around my waist.
Dude, that's it.
- That's fucking it.
I'm serious.
- Are sure? - 'Cause I got three or four other ones - No.
it's like real funny, kind of character-based stuff.
Forget those.
The two-arm thing right here? - This is the one.
- They're actually pretty pliable.
- Yeah! - What do you think if we montage into a testing out our new arms kind of scene? Since this one got cut short, I think let's keep it rolling.
Let's allocate resources.
Whoa! - Oh my God.
- That felt good, dude.
One more time.
(grunts) - Oh! - (grunting) - Yeah, you wanna watch me there? - Ho! All right, all right, all right.
- (coughs) That was cool.
What was that? That was honestly just instinct.
(coughs) - It looks good.
- It feels right.
It fucking makes sense.
It feels real.
I feel really good about this.
I think this date is gonna be one of our best, 'cause there are two guys who no worms could possibly turn down either of us.
Hey, put 'er there.
Ooh, this feels good, too.
(laughs) - (laughs) - Holy shit.
I trust you.
It's kinda like we're saying to each other, "I'm not a jerk.
You're not a jerk.
There's no jerks here.
Jerks on, jerks off.
" - Jerks off, okay? Right.
- Jerks off.
Let's jerk off.
- That's right.
Jerking off.
- Jerking off.
Both: We are jerking each other off.
Narrator: Now, follow me up the tree, where new life is about to blossom.
Can't wait.
- (humming) - (egg cracking) Oh, now that's clever.
Crispy maggot on the taco.
I love that texture.
Hyah! (sighs) - (clears throat) Um, excuse me.
- (humming) Excuse me, ma'am.
Oh shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Am I in the right place? Is this life? Yes! Sorry, I, uh, I wasn't expecting you to arrive this early.
Oh, no.
I think I am actually the early one, so don't worry about it.
Are you, um - Mom.
I'm your mom.
- Mom.
- Yeah, I was gonna say, "Mom.
" - (both laugh) - But I didn't wanna come on too strong.
- Yeah.
But I did feel immediately a kinship towards you, and I like looking in your eyes and feel like you're gonna take care of me, so that's cool.
So, this is the nest, and I've expanded it just for your arrival.
This is really nice.
What is that, a piece of popcorn? The popcorn chair! Not saying whose backyard it came from.
- (whispers) Steve Buscemi.
- Wow! I'm gonna like life.
I can tell.
I'm gonna really like this.
- Hey, Mom? - Uh-huh.
I have this bubble in my stomach, but it's empty.
It's like a gurgling.
It doesn't feel great.
Oh! Of course you're hungry.
Just give me a second.
- Okay.
- Trying to get a little saliva going.
Okay, now here, you've just gotta sorta tilt your head back like that.
- All right, now open wide.
- Here we go.
Okay.
- (grunts, coughs) - Whoa! Oh God.
- (straining) - What? Ah! Please don't.
- What? - (coughs) Oh fuck.
- I got nothing.
- That really scared me.
You know what? It's mommy's fault.
I should've stocked up.
I'm just gonna have to run out and grab us a little food.
So, you stay here Oh shit! - We didn't name you yet.
- Oh! Do you want to pick your name? - Like a forever name? - Yeah.
- This is what people are gonna call me? - Yeah.
Okay.
That's a lot of pressure.
Um, how about Choo.
Choo.
Chewie-choo.
- Chewie, choo.
- Choo, choo, choo! Choo, choo, choo! - Chooch? Okay.
How about - Cho-choo-choo choo-choo! Charly? How about Charly? - Yeah, Charly.
- Charly's a nice name.
I love that.
Mix it up.
Who are we? Famous birds? Okay, Charly, I'm gone, you're the leader of the nest.
So be safe and be brave, and I love you.
Wow.
Okay, that felt good.
Mama bird taking off.
Pew! Whoo! Flying fucking rules! Wow.
I am immediately missing her.
Narrator: But what little Choo Charly didn't know - was that she was not alone.
- (rustling) Onlookers were afoot, albeit from above.
So, then the John Turturro character does end up having to try the case.
You have to see it.
Ooh! Here we go! Showtime! This is where it gets fun.
The mother bird has left the nest, so I go take care of her.
But while I'm doing that, you're gonna sneak in and you're gonna take care of the little one.
- Matthew? - (game beeping) - What are you Matthew! - Sorry, I wasn't listening.
- Starting when? - Starting whenever you talked, I guess.
Oh.
Okay, listen to me.
I'm trying to teach you how to become your own opossum.
Oh my God.
Can you stop saying "opossum"? It's "possum," Dad.
- It's not "possum.
" You say, "Opossum.
" - It's No, you say you're a possum! It's a show of respect.
Would you go to church and say, "You're a preacher"? No, you say, "You're an o-preacher.
" (sighs) Dad, why can't we just do it the normal way? You go out, something happens, I don't know what, and then you come back, we eat the food, and it's done.
- Why screw up the status quo? - If you teach an opossum to fish, you're wasting your time, because we don't eat fish.
Okay.
(gasps) Isn't that an expression? - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- (game beeping) Oh, got a suppa.
Yes! These are super rare.
Okay, so we're gonna wrap it up.
I'm gonna go take care of the dinner sitch.
Can you make sure to get that extra marinara on top of it? - What's the the marinara? - The marinara, the red sauce.
Oh, the red s the red sauce.
Okay, it's red sauce.
(mutters) I've done a horrible job with this boy.
(rock music playing) He waves his arms and rants And cranks butts and tells all the kids To never change Just keep it kinda clean (sirens blaring) Narrator: Why don't we check back in on our worm pals as they get ready for their big date.
I'll tell you what, dude.
This thing is changing my life.
I get to brush my teeth now.
It's like I used to just rinse my mouth out with water.
(spits) I feel so much better.
Mikey, come on, man.
Let's get going.
This place is two feet away, so we should start crawling now.
Cool.
Do we have everything? You have the keys, right? - (clears throat) - No, dude.
What is that? What is what? It's the snakeskin jacket.
No, the thing on your head! You're not wearing a goddamn wig, dude! It's Jheri curls, okay? Mike, we jerked off each other that we wouldn't fuck this up! I'm not going back on the jerk off.
I'm just saying This date with Laura and Daphne has to go well, dude, okay? - Just don't fuck this up, man.
- Jesus.
Why are you so nervous? We're freaking hermaphroditic anyway.
We can't have sex.
I know we're hermaphroditic It's not like it's gonna lead to anything.
but it's just like, "What about falling in love?" You know, that might be cool.
Or even hanging out with someone that's not each other.
I only hang out with you, and frankly, I think you might be a figment of my fucking imagination, okay? I'm losing my mind under this goddamn rock.
Did you just say I might be a figment of your imagination? No, dude.
I I don't it's just like something that when I'm falling asleep I'll think about it.
Like the fact that you and me are the same thing, like we're one worm, and why would both ends of us be cognizant? And how would you even have a - different personality than me? - (thuds) And sometimes I think I can read your thoughts, and I feel like you're just saying my thoughts, so it's I don't fucking know, but let's just go, Mike.
Mike? Mike? (chuckles nervously) - (heart beating) - Oh shit, dude.
He fucking wasn't real, and he fucking was Mike! Oh fuck! Narrator: And that's when Phil knew he was alone, and that he'd always been alone, and he will always, always, always be alone.
(laughs) I fucking "Fight Clubbed" you, dude.
- Dude! What the Fuck, Mike! - Oh my God! - That's not fucking funny, dude! - No, it's really funny.
- You were about to cry.
- Oh God! Narrator: Oh.
Never mind.
I think I'm gonna fucking barf! Mike was just joking.
Okay.
What, are you being serious? - Oh my God, that was funny! - Phil: Let's go.
We're gonna be late.
(wind blowing) (chirping) Come on, man! (spits) This was one of my best holes.
It was amok with little bugs and little critters, and now, nothing.
Narrator: As the mother bird searches for food, annoyingly, predator becomes prey.
- (bell tolls) - Damn! I get it.
This is why people feed their kids garbage.
- (growling) - It's convenient.
(hissing) Oh fuck.
- (growling) - All right, bring it! Square up, bitch.
(shouts) - (video game noises) - Oh, I love you, my little babushka.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
(dad hissing, growling) Hey, Dad, can you keep it down up there down there, wherever you Dad? (gasps) Die! Die! Dad! What are you doing? Stop! Oh fuck! Accept it! D-D-Die! (crying) Oh my God! That's the red sauce? That's the marinara? (whimpers) Holy shit! That is an adrenaline rush.
I'll tell ya.
Killing things is better than a cup of coffee.
Is that a phrase? That should be a phrase.
(whimpering) I'm learning a lot right now.
(Charly whistling) Egg (muffled): Hey! - Uh - Hey, hey, hey! - Is anybody there? - Hello? I made contact! Who am I talking to? Oh, my name is Charly.
I guess I'm your big sister.
- Oh my God! - Yeah.
- It's so nice to meet you! - Nice to I mean, you're still in there, so I think I'm your little sister.
I don't feel a bird penis down here.
As far as I can tell.
Hey, do you think you can get me the fuck out of here? Okay, well, I don't know if I'm allowed to do that.
Maybe you could just do it yourself? - That's how I did it.
- You know what? Fuck it.
Back up.
I'm just gonna get a running start.
Okay, I'm in my living room.
Hold on one second.
- [footsteps.]
- I'm in my kitchen.
Hold on.
I'm in the pantry.
Okay, I'm gonna run in from there.
- Okay, one, two, three.
- (panting, running) - (screams, crashes) - Oh no! Oh my God, you did it! Oh! - You did it, and you are very underdeveloped.
Wow! This place is awesome! - Yeah.
- (pants) It's so funny.
I thought you were fat from your voice.
You had a fat voice.
Maybe you should go back in there just a little bit longer.
But you're not.
No.
I love it out here.
- Hey, how do I look? - Um I feel like I got big o" eyeballs.
Is that right? Yup.
I'm surprised you don't tip over, 'cause your head is huge.
- I feel weak.
I don't feel well.
- Very top-heavy.
- Hey, don't worry, Egg, okay? - Okay.
Mom's gonna be back any minute with some food for the both of us.
I think.
- Oh! - What's up? You wanna get high? - You got that sweet hash? (laughs) - What? Just kidding.
Come on, man.
Loosen up! I think we're gonna have pretty different friend groups.
Narrator: Let's head underground, where the worm date is really heating up.
After a while, I realized that you could kind of parlay that into what's known as a CPA, which is not as computer-based as I would like.
- Yeah.
- Are you okay? Oh yeah, sorry.
I'm just I think my face is asleep - or my brain, maybe, or something.
- I hate when that happens.
Yeah.
So what were you saying about your HPV? Yeah, no.
It was actually CPA.
It's a little bit different than - that one.
- Yeah.
(whispers) Hey, Phil, you're tanking the date, dude.
- You're bringing everybody down.
- I'm not bringing everyone down! Phil, when you speak, I want to shimmy out on a wet sidewalk in the rain, then suddenly it stops raining, and people are like walking on that sidewalk.
Daphne, why are you being such a bitch to me? That's not gonna help.
- (gasps) - Do not call my butthole a bitch.
- I am an asshole.
I'm not a bitch.
- Phil: I'm so sorry, Laura.
Laura, Daphne, I'm so sorry.
I don't know where that came from.
That came from a dark place.
All right, let's do what we came here to do, and let's have a fun time tonight, okay? - Does that sound cool? - I agree.
Have dinner, relax.
A few glasses of wine.
Really get to know each other.
- So, cocaine? - (ladies cheer) - Get that Meow Mix out, boo.
- I wanna snort some yam-yam! - I wanna toot it! - Gimme that Gucci poochie! - That's what's up! - Gucci poochie? Meow mix? You girls are cool.
Ladies (chanting): Snake Man! Snake Man! - Phil: Don't Stop that.
- Snake Man! Snake Man! - I'm the Snake Man.
- So, can we have some drugs, though? Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
You know what? Let's chop this shit up.
- Ah.
Whoo! - Baby, hey, QT, yeah? Yeah, there's something I want to say, I feel your hands Laura: I love this song.
Oh my God, it makes me wet.
- Phil: Do you have any 311? Play 311! - Mike: I'm so fucked up.
Laura, you're so fucking hot.
I'm sorry about before.
I was being a fucking Ben Stein when I should've been a fucking Jimmy Kimmel.
Just shove your face in my cleavage.
- I love that.
- (babbles) Now you're my mommy.
- I'm your little baby.
- You like that when I shake my Daphne? - You're my sister and my butt! - Oh, this is so hot.
- You're my everything! - Are you fucking kidding me? - You're me.
- I love you.
I want more drugs! I want more drugs! - Let's get more drugs! - No, let's get married.
Oh fuck! We should get fucking married! - Right? - (cheering) - Let's get more drugs! (crying) Mike: Look, we just want the drugs, and we're gonna go.
- That's all! - Dude, shut the fuck up.
You better come up with more money.
You want this Gucci pooch or not? Y'all trying to get this Meow Mix or this snaggle rock? Phil, you're the bookworm.
Figure it out.
The rest of us are idiots, 'cause we're too cool and hot.
Y'all should've got an education like I did.
Oh my God.
See, that's what I'm talking about this whole time.
My CPA I got a CPA recently.
- Oh, congratulations.
- Thank you so much! - What's your name again? - Yo, my name is Worm-for-all - Others: Worm-for-all? - and All-for-worm.
Oh my God.
That's really deep.
- I like that.
- Yeah, no, that's awesome.
- That's really cool.
- That's really cool.
- Why are you dealing drugs? - Yeah, man.
You know, people make their own tablecloths.
They make their own pocket squares.
I figured I'd make my own cocaine.
- It's the Etsy economy.
- It's Etsy.
- It's the Etsy economy.
- It's Etsy.
- Oh, my God, I love Etsy.
- What's your Etsy name? My Etsy name is "You Ain't High Yet" question mark.
See, that's a great name, because you're thinking it.
Or you could find me at "You Better Have All That Money For That Schnip-Schnap.
" - Oh, okay.
That's a website? - That's way too many Or you can call me at 1-800-dot-dot-dot-meow-meow.
- That is cute.
- It's catchy, too.
- You have a 1-800 number? - And I have an emoji.
It's a family around a Thanksgiving turkey doing cocaine off of it.
Yeah, right.
That's not an emoji.
You gotta get the update.
Get the update.
It's clearly an update.
- (gun cocks) - How about everybody shuts the fuck up? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Worm-for-all: Be cool, man.
- Who's that? - Who the fuck is that? - What are you doing? - I'm the ass, motherfucker! - Oh boy.
- Be cool.
Be cool? You were gonna fuck me out of my take.
I was gonna split it with you, 50-50, just like we said! Bullshit.
I saw the look in your eyes.
I know you.
See? This is the problem with start-ups, you know? There's always a frustration.
- I paid for the domain names! - I got curtains for the trailer! - Aw.
- But you're never gettin' your half! - (grunting) - Yeah, go! - Oh! Oh my God.
- (gunshot) - You missed, motherfucker! - What? - Yeah! - Laura: Oh my God! - (screaming) - (laughs) - Yeah, you piece of shit.
- (Worm-for-all gurgles) - Oh God, he shot his fucking face.
- Think about it! - I want you to taste that blood.
- That was really stupid.
Yeah, you're one worm.
I think you're gonna die too.
You dum-dum.
Gimme back that Meow Mix, that fridge dust.
- Just give it to him.
- Okay, here, take the Gucci poochie.
Good, good, good, yeah.
Now I'm in charge of this operation! - Phil: Uh-oh.
- (fading) No more 50 percent! - Oh shit.
- There he goes.
That's the other half of Narrator: This is why you don't do drugs, kids.
- (rock music playing) - (sirens blaring) (coughing) (gas hisses) - (gasps) - Millions of miles away From my home system I call to you On a sun rock, I lay flat, and fucked A tiny ember in a galaxy of fire (men shouting) Narrator: Inside the treetop, our possums are about to reach an impasse.
I like that word.
I think it's French? Hey, can I get a water? How's that for a delicious meal? Huh? Fresh and prepared just how you like it.
Plenty of red sauce, huh? Look at that.
Whoa! Matthew, what the heck? Don't act like you don't know what just happened.
- You pushed - No, stop it.
You killed that bluebird.
You didn't know that bird.
That bird could've had a family, and you killed it! You're a murderer, Dad! A murderer! You're calling me a murderer? I would say, I'm a murderer! I killed it! - (laughs) - That is your fucked-up generation! - Nobody thinks that way anymore! - I'm sorry, but you keep saying "a different generation.
" I'm seven weeks older than you.
We were both born during the same season of Better Call Saul.
We went to high school briefly together.
I'm not that much older.
I was born when the 6 was out and you were born during the release of the 6s.
I think the only difference was the fingerprint thing, - which we couldn't use.
- (sighs) Look, I understand your larger point, that we might think differently, but again, it's a very, very narrow slice of experience that we're talking about here.
We got tetanus shots on the same day.
I mean I'm not gonna continue the cycle of abuse.
Matthew.
You're playing a game where you're capturing things constantly.
Why is this any different? There's a huge difference, Dad.
When I capture something, I care for it.
I feed it.
I give it a home.
I give it love.
I give it a community.
I don't tear it apart, bone by bone and take its marinara.
Well, this is exactly the same thing, except you do tear it apart and drink its blood.
I don't understand.
This is how we survive.
It's not God! Again, that's your limited mind Life is real.
It's not something on a screen.
- It doesn't have to be! - Okay, I'm taking the phone.
- (gasps) No! - I'm taking the phone.
You're not taking my phone, Dad! That is the only reality that's safe to me! - Yup, yup.
Yup, yup.
Okay.
- Everything else is dysfunctional! You will get this phone back when you go out and get some food for yourself.
(humphs, mutters) Narrator: Hey, what's happening back in the nest? Let's go find out.
It's a TV show.
We can do that.
- (both laugh) - You did that? - I did.
Yeah.
- You were like, "Hey, are you Mom?" I did.
I was foot right in mouth.
That's so (coughs) - Oh God.
What happened? - Ugh.
I'm okay.
I'm just so hungry.
For one second, your humor took me away from it, but I really do need to eat.
Okay, just I need you to trust me right now.
- Just open your mouth.
- What? - (straining) - Oh God.
What's going on? - I don't know! - What are you doing? Sorry, I'm just Okay, just stop trying to barf on me, please.
- Just let me die.
- What? - Then you can eat me.
- I'm not gonna eat you.
Listen, that shit happens all the time.
No.
- I am okay with it.
It's okay.
- You're not appetizing at all.
You look nothing like Mom's barf.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
- (sighs) I'm gonna go.
- What do you mean? I'm gonna find food, and I'm gonna bring it back to you.
What do you mean? We don't know how to fly yet.
That's okay.
I'll figure it out.
It's innate.
Maybe not day one, but maybe I'm a champion.
Oh God.
Charly, I really don't feel comfortable with this.
I would much rather you just eat me right now.
I mean, how hard can this be, you know? Edge of the nest, just jump off and Oh my God! No way am I jum (screaming) Charly! (grunts) (coughing) Oh God.
Egg: Charly, are you okay? Yeah, I think I landed weird, but I'll be all right.
Oh, okay.
'Cause I was gonna eat you if you were dead.
- JK.
But I really would have.
- All right.
Mission Food, engage.
Narrator: On the ground, our worm friends partake in a rare practice known as the inch of shame.
Inch, get it? 'Cause they're worms.
Hey, didn't I ask for a water? Dude, fucking Daphne was into me, man.
Like, I know it sorta ended on a question mark with all of us, - but like, oh my God.
- Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
- She was fucking - Fucking shut the fuck up, okay, dude? Okay.
Whoa, Phil.
No! No, no! The same exact fucking scene played out that always plays out! Things were going great, and then you got us high on cocaine, and then everything got ruined! We almost died! - Oh, I'm the problem? - Yeah! I think you're conveniently forgetting that you were dragging down the entire table the entire night! Things were going great with me and Laura! You were talking about accounting the whole night.
Fuck you.
She was looking at me! She loves the Snake Man! Are you kidding me? I honestly don't want to be worms with you anymore.
I swear to fucking God.
All right, you can't Fight Club me two times in one day.
That's not how it works, dude.
- (whispers) I'm not Fight-Clubbing you.
- (heavy footsteps) - I'm fucking scared.
- (gasps) Phil: Oh fuck, dude.
Charly: Oh, here we go.
Okay, so this is a worm.
This is what all the hubbub was about, huh? Yeah.
I could see eating this.
(whispers) What the fuck are we gonna do? Maybe the bird will think I'm a snake? - (hissing) - Yeah, hiss at it.
- Oh God, it's not working! - Mike: Is it working? Okay, maybe she'll think we're Eddie Murphy - if I do some bits.
- Do some bits.
- Okay.
- Do the one about Chinese people! - Ah, that feels hard to say.
- Yeah, I know it's dated.
- It's dated.
- Both: It's dated.
- (chirps) - (both scream) Oh, you tried to get away, but you can't.
I got ahold of you with my little, tiny feet.
(licks) Oh God! You taste like sweat and is it cocaine? All right, I got this.
I got this.
This doesn't look appetizing at all, but I can do this.
(hisses) Narrator: Prey has become the predator.
(both scream) (chews) Oh God! What is that? What is that? (spits) Jesus.
That does not taste good.
I mean, the texture alone that is tough stuff.
All right.
Worm number one.
You got this, Matthew.
And five, four, three (Matthew growling) - (hisses) - Charly: Oh God, you're so fierce.
- (munching) - Oh, okay.
You're not a bird guy.
Mmm.
That's not bad! Oh my God.
And it's fields of them just ready to be taken.
Wait a second.
This is in our nature.
Nature is supposed to be consumed by nature.
(laughs) I mean, please, I'm gonna miss the marinara, but I can figure something out.
(gasps) Oh my God.
Those right there could be croutons.
(groaning) That thing fucking chomped us, Mike.
- Oh boy.
- I brought this upon us, man.
I fucking wished for it.
I'm sorry.
I loved being worms with you, dude.
You're my best fucking friend, man.
- You mean it? - Yeah, dude.
(burps) Oh God.
That was a funny burp.
- Hey, Phil? - Yeah, Mike? Last night was the best night of my life.
- Me too.
- (both chuckle weakly) - This is it.
I feel something, man.
- (squishing) I feel something happening.
(grunts) - (pops) Papa? - What the? - I fucking regenerated, dude.
- Holy shit.
It's Little Phil! I'm a fucking dad, dude! - Hey, little dude.
- Invest in a 401k early.
- (squishing, grunting) - (pops) Oh my God! A Little Mike! Phil: Aww, he's got your smile.
- Oh my God.
- We're dads.
Mike and Phil: We're dads, dude.
I don't (long bleep)! (Mike laughs) You cannot say that anymore.
You can't say that anymore.
That's (sighs) Hey.
What's wrong, Mike? It's just I guess that now that we're separate, we're no longer gonna be roommates.
I think we should be roommates, just now we'll really be friends, because we're choosing to stay together, right? - Choosing to be friends? - Yeah.
Hey.
Jerk me off.
- (chuckles) - Jerk me off.
Narrator: Birth.
Regeneration.
Adaptation.
Great movie.
(blues harmonica playing) I got no sister Ain't got no mom I got an undeveloped wing - And I'm gonna die soon - (Matthew growling) Oh my God! - (hisses) - Oh my God! Fine.
You know what? Just eat me.
Who cares? Get it over with! I'm not much to speak of, just two eyeballs on a bunch of bones, so enjoy.
(Matthew mimics video game beeping) - Hey! It's me! - (gasps) - Both: Charly! - I'm back! - Oh my gosh! - And guess what? I got worms.
- No! - Yup.
- You did it! - Yeah! Do we pay this guy or what's up with I think he just lives on good deeds.
Oh my gosh, thank you so much, sir, - for saving my sister.
- Oh, save your breath.
He doesn't understand words.
- Oh.
He's a dum-dum? - It's not all there.
Okay.
Thank you! - I'm getting nothing from him.
- See? Dead eyes.
- Okay.
- You ready for this? - I'm ready! - Okay.
(munching) Wait! Hey, hey, don't eat it all! - (mumbles) - What? I don't understand.
Sound like two words.
(mumbles) Open your mouth.
Oh yeah, you're gonna throw up in my mouth! Awesome.
I'm ready for it.
Ah.
- (puking) - Oh! Oh! That's good! Oh! It's like a smoothie! - Is that cocaine? - Yeah.
Oh! Oh man! I feel good! That'll last us for a week at least.
You are the best big sister that this egg could ever have, and it doesn't matter if we don't have a mom.
- Which we clearly don't.
- Oh, fuck that bitch.
- Oh, Charly, you know what? - What, Egg? We're gonna be all right.
- Ball up! - (grunts) - Okay.
Daphne.
- Woo! Ow! - Great! Got it? - (grunting) - I'll be out late, so don't wait up.
- Again? Yeah, I'm gonna cruise with some of the owls.
No big.
- Hey, be careful.
Those owls grow big.
- What? A-hoot, hoot! Who likes to party? Egg style.
Matthew: Thank you so much for coming in.
And please spread the word.
It's just as good.
I'm not the kind of father who says things like, "I'm proud of you.
" Are you saying you're proud of me? No, I'm not that kind of father.
Oh, I see.
But you make sacrifices for your family, and I've never been happier.
- Yeah.
- I've been happier.
Narrator: And there we have it, Nature.
Beautifully chaotic, and yet meticulously curated.
This has been a script written for Morgan Freeman as performed by Bill Callahan.
Hey, that's me! Cold-blooded old times Cold-blooded old times Cold-blooded old times Though how can I stand And laugh with the man Who redefined your body? How can I stand? And laugh with the man Who redefined your body? Those cold-blooded old times Cold-blooded old times Cold-blooded old times All-for-worm: Gimme back that Meow Mix, that fridge dust!