Animals. (2016) s03e01 Episode Script


1 It's been three years since that fucking freak Dr.
Labcoat detonated the green bomb that wiped out What's up, bud? New York City's entire human population.
It's a day that's been dubbed "Green Day" no affiliation to the bitching tunes of Billie Joe, Mike Dirnt, and Tré Cool.
What's left of New York City is still impenetrably toxic to any human life form Amigo! Which is why we've built our Government Response Center in New Jersey.
That and tax incentives! Keeping it hard as fuck, Tom.
This whole building is dedicated to analyzing and preventing another Green Day.
And again, just to reiterate, it has nothing to do with the genre-spanning, multiplatinum punk alternative rock trio Green Day.
Wait! What's this "Animals"? Ah, just the dweebs are monitoring the effects of the Green Bomb on the animal population of New York City.
There's animals in New York? Oh yeah, tons of 'em.
Weird as shit, too.
There's been animals for three years? How did I not know about this? Well, the market's pretty saturated, it's kind of hard to promote, and "BoJack" is Lieutenant, those animals could be the key to finding an antidote.
We get threats of another Green Day on a daily basis.
Yeah, but it's dweeb shit! I mean, there's a wing right over there with bombs and nukes Lieutenant, might I remind you of our respective rankings, you American idiot? "American Idiot"? That's the lamest one! - Privates! - Oh God.
Isn't it funny that yelling "Privates" in an Army context is like totally fine but if you're like in a Grocery store or Walmart, you're schizophrenic! Dude, I was thinking the same thing! - We are just like - Enough! The general would like to know more about your little animals operation.
Uh, sure, I can handle that.
Hello, I'm Private Luciano, and this is Primate Matarese.
We run a pretty straightforward, naturalistic observation op.
Through these screens we monitor the daily lives of New York City's posthumanity wildlife.
We do it all day, every day for three years and for some reason we're not allowed to leave, so we sleep there, we pee there, and we play, oh, anywhere we'd like! - Do you wanna be my girlfriend? - What the Do you wanna be my mom? Do you have games on your phone? Could I touch your hand? Sorry.
So, so, so sorry.
- What the I'm sorry.
- What the fuck? Eat my pussy.
Do you guys hear a breeze? What did you just say to me? That hit the spot.
Shut the fuck up! - Now get back to work! - Yup.
Copy that! - Copy you.
- Fucking idiots.
Jesus Christ.
I mean, come on.
We really whiffed that one, didn't we? - Yeah, we sure did.
- Jesus Christ.
What did I say? Oh shit.
The general left her pen.
Hey, wasn't Dr.
Labcoat's company called Pesci Co.
? Who gives a shit? What section are we on today? - 301, rats? - Ooh, rats! Oh, what are they up to? I don't know.
Shut the fuck up and watch.
Okay? This is how the episodes start now.
We push in to the screen I think we make a left here.
I don't even fucking know, dude.
I'm so hungover.
I can't even concentrate.
That's how you know it was a good Green Day, man, - when you don't remember shit! - A great Green Day in the books! Yeah! Green Day, dude! The anniversary of the Green Bomb going off of course, which eliminated All the humans from New York City Yeah, I know this.
marking the beginning of a new echelon - Who are you talking to? - for the animal population.
Just a time to celebrate The resplendent gift of freedom - Yeah, I know this.
- By getting blacked-out wasted, fam! All right! Brought it home! Finally! Oh shit! Look at this.
What do we got here? Hey! Make yourself big! Get out! - Hey, get! - Get out! You get back to Horseburg! This is Rat Town! - Man, that was a big boy.
- Yeah.
To be honest, I kind of feel bad for them.
Why? Some horses still use horses as horses! It seems a little backwards.
Hey, but, Mikey, listen.
Rats help rats.
But ultimately, it's about helping the only rat that really matters: yourself.
Which is why you should keep and hide all your gold in your basement.
It's my gold.
It's my gold, you know.
How can a rat help a horse? - Right? - I can't even speak to the horse! It's different languages.
I mean, entirely.
- Oh shit! A public shaming! - Oh, cool.
Ow! Ooh! Aah! That one hurt.
- Hey, Phil, Mike! - It's Andy! - Hey! - Andy, what'd you do? Oh, you guys know me, always saying the wrong thing.
Anyhoo, it's you two that should be in here after last night, you crazy bastards! We don't remember anything that happened last night.
And we don't know where our car is.
Have you seen our car? Do you know where our car is, Andy? It's a 2010 Kia Soul.
Keep walking, boys! No talking to the prisoners.
All right.
Stay strong, all right, Andy? Yeah! I'll see you guys later, like if a Ow! Oh shit! Dude, there's the red curb.
That's where we parked.
This is where it is.
Well, I don't see your car anywhere which begs the copyright-free question Bro, where's my vehicle? - Where's your vehicle, bro? - Where is it? I think it'll be a fun little sendup.
- Nice.
- Oh, empty your pockets.
- Maybe we got clues.
- All right.
- Oh shit! - What do you got? A used bacon-flavor condom wrapper.
- Hey.
- Somebody got lucky! Oh, check this out.
- Polaroid of a hot babe? - Whoa! - Uh All right! - Mikey got lucky, too! Wait.
What's that bulge in your other pocket? A yo-yo.
Yeah, like a sick yo-yo.
- That's pretty cool.
- Let me see if I can walk the dog.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Actually that term is speciesist now.
- "Walk the dog"? - Yeah, it's "Strolling the cylinder.
" - Hmm.
- Oh, I got one last one.
- A napkin from a nightclub.
- Hmm.
- A place called Balaban's.
- Clearly, we had a crazy night.
- Why would you use a tampon for that? - No, I know.
- Is that Tia and Lillie? - From high school, but we're still friends with on Facebook.
Maybe they know where my car is.
Because it has a string and it seems fun.
Like, maybe if it was fluorescent.
- Oh, that's cute! - Lillie, Tia! Hey, Tia, Lillie! What's up, ladies? - How we're doing? - Oh, it's Mike and Phil.
Oh my God.
Or Phil and Mike, whatever's easier to say.
Everybody have a good Green Day? Yeah, we were with you last night.
- You guys were with us last night? - Yeah.
By all means, don't skip a single detail, baby.
Okay, so you both showed up at Balaban's.
- Great.
Nope, not great.
- You started crying.
What did they say? - The cover charge - "Ated" all your money.
You both then "butt-chugged" 24 bottles of rosé.
You guys even held hands at one point and said "It's like we're married!" - That doesn't sound like us.
- I'm not too sure You kept making the joke, "Why did they call it a trash compactor and not my ass compactor?" - It's not a good joke.
- It doesn't make any sense.
What about this used condom wrapper? You were so hungry that you started chewing on your bacon-flavored condom despite many of us offering you actual food! You promptly swallowed the condom and choked, - like, say, a baby would.
- Like a fucking baby.
I do that sometimes.
But what about this Polaroid of this hot babe? - No.
That's Dr.
Magholis Gupta - Oh my God.
the medical professional that saved your life.
- See? - There's little Philly.
They gave Mike a toy yo-yo because he wouldn't stop crying and bumming out all the cancer kids.
- I want a yo-yo.
- Get off me! It's mine! They gave you a yo-yo, Phil, but somehow you swallowed it, again, like a baby would.
- Down the hatch.
- We left you both at the hospital and drove your car back to Balaban's to kiss cooler boys like Shawn, Hakim, and Loren Bouchard, the creator of Bob's Burgers! I'm a big fan.
In summation, you both are losers.
There was no mystery to unravel.
Your car is at Balaban's.
The coat check has your keys.
It's that simple.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- All right, ladies.
Talk to you later.
- Peace out! Did you say, "How we're doing," to start it off? I did.
- I'm gonna call a RUber.
- I'll Venmo you half.
Just remember.
I don't want to remind you.
Oh! Someone should be arriving right now.
Mike? Mike? You call for RUber? - Stop screaming.
- Which one Mike? - Right here, sir.
- Mike, get in RUber.
- We're together.
- Get in RUber! Great.
Thank you, sir.
Do you have an aux cord? No.
Do you have baby water bottles that I can drink? No, I don't have baby waters.
Get in, bitch.
- Fuck you, bitch! Give me gum.
- Phil, come on.
Fuck you! Get out of my RUber! Fuck you! Get out of my country, motherfucker! - Whoa! Dude, you can't say that! - What? - I'm sorry.
- You're fucking up my score.
Sir, I am so sorry.
Just send us on our way.
and it will all be great.
Yeah, hold still.
Balaban's? No, I don't think so.
Where the fuck is Balaban's? Dude, is this even Rat Town? Oh shit.
I don't have any service.
- Oh, that's not a good sign.
- There's a kiosk over here.
Let's go look and see where we are, - we'll get a sense of things.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, there's Rat Town - Where we need to go.
- Ye Olde Horseburg - MIKE: Mm-hmm.
- Squirrel Square.
- Right.
- Dog Centre.
- GrabbagVille? Fucking hate those goddamn Grab Bags.
Pigeon Heights.
Unclaimed Areas.
The Democratic People's Republic of Kitty City.
- Dude.
Aw, dude.
- Fuck, dude! Shit.
I didn't know we RUber into here without a Visa.
- I only have a MasterCard.
- Shut up.
Keep your voice low.
According to the map, we go three blocks that way - we're outta Kitty City.
- Okay, okay.
Just be cool, we'll be okay.
I wish Scottie Pippen was here.
We all do, Phil.
Oh shit, shit.
Hi! Hey! Do you know how to speak cat? Uh Me-Meow? Oh God! Didn't work! Oh shit.
What do we do, dude? Mike, Mike, stroll the cylinder.
Gleaming the Cube? Are we doing a movie game? Stroll the cylinder, walk the dog, your yo-yo! - Oh shit.
Right, okay.
- Distract them! Okay, okay.
Come on, Mikey.
Eh ha! Dude, it worked! You still got it.
It's just cool 'cause I practiced a lot.
Oh fuck, they're coming back! Huh? Oh fuck! We're trapped, dude! Shit, man! This is it, dude! - Shut up! - What are you? - Why? Come on.
- We're gonna die.
- Why would we kiss if we're gonna die? - You know you want to.
There's a sewer right here.
Let's go in the sewer.
They can't get in the sewer.
- Okay.
Fine, fine! - Is this gonna be weird now? No Oh shit! They're coming! Go, go! - Jump, jump! - I love you, Mike! Holy shit! Oh my God! That was scary but sick.
- That was sick.
- That was sick.
Whoa, dude, we're in the sewers.
Our old home.
Check it out, our old tag.
Remember Principal Little Dick? I think he killed himself? I've assumed he did himself in.
I think most principals probably do that.
Hold on a second.
Do you hear something spooky? - Oh my God, dude! - Oh my God! What is that? Is that a fucking dinosaur? Fucking dinosaurs are back! Whoa, watch out! It's another fucking dinosaur! - Maybe if I try to speak to him? - Yeah, do it.
Hiss-aah! That didn't work! - Okay, didn't work.
- This is it, Mikey.
Don't kiss me again.
I can't not.
Are we in purgatory? Man, I thought I was a shoo-in for heaven! You know what? This is NYU all over again.
You don't want to go to NYU, seriously.
It's all bougie.
You lucked out.
It's true, but The State went there.
Sure, but in the '90s.
It's different now.
- Oh! - Okay, it's heaven.
- We're in fucking heaven, dude.
- This is fucking heaven.
- Sick! - Whoa! Who are you two dudes, all right? We don't want any trouble.
Okay? Oh.
So they're just diving into a big, fat old joint.
- Wow.
- I don't really smoke.
- Phil, can I speak to you over here? - Yeah, sure.
Dude, I think this is a peace pipe offering situation, where if we don't accept it, they'll look down on us.
And they saved our lives.
- They saved us.
- Okay, cool.
You know what, dudes? Light that motherfucker up.
- Let's do it.
- Let's hit this shit.
Yeah, dude! - Yo.
- Yo, Philly's fu Oh shit.
Yo, Phil.
He's good! Yo, I thought you like died for a second.
- I did.
- You did? - Dude! - You died? What was it like? - Tell us! - I saw God and She did not like me! - Yeah, dude.
- It's a she! Beautiful! Yo, your dude's DVD collection is fucking savage, dude.
Fucking Simon Birch! Simon Birch, dude! Oh my God! Doesn't he look like Reptar from Rugrats? Look at him, you know what I'm talking about? You fucking look different too.
You look like Patton Oswalt.
Stop looking at me, though.
- I'm so fucking high.
- I'm really high too.
Call a RUber, and we should go.
Like seriously, dude.
Yeah, all right.
My phone's missing.
But you had it when you came in here, right? I definitely had it.
Luckily I have my backup.
Wait, you have two phones? What are you, a drug dealer? Yeah.
That's that's pretty cool.
Huh? Oh.
One sec here.
I think you're sitting on No, dude, check it out! He's got all our shit my wallet, my ChapStick.
I told you, man, you don't trust other species! I know.
These fucking guys got us high so they could rob us! Bunch of bullshit! That's probably how they got all this cool shit in their house! Grabby little finger motherfuckers! Now we're all high and having to deal with a robbery.
- I mean, screw you, Reptar! - Fuck off.
You were a concept within another cartoon.
- You weren't even your own thing.
- You're a fictional character inside of a fictional universe.
Think about that! That's what I told you, man.
Rats take care of rats.
We opened up and look what happened, they robbed us.
- Yeah.
- Holy shit.
An entire Toys Is We untouched! Let's go! Ginny and Diana, I gotta say, - this is really a pleasure.
- Where to, Mr.
Luciano? How about somewhere a little dark? Set the mood a little bit.
How about the Halloween section? There's a lot of cobwebs over there.
- The Halloween section sounds great.
- Maybe I can get a mask from the movie The Mask, starring Jim Carrey.
I never saw The Mask, funny enough.
- What? - Just not a Carrey guy.
I guess I'm more of a Sandler man myself.
Okay, we're gonna put a pin in that and come back to it later.
This is actually, like, super spooky for a Toys Is We.
Yeah, this is a little freakier than I remember.
We should probably get off and walk back.
Let's get off.
Let's do that.
Ladies, ready? How are you doing that? - Oh, fuck man.
- Oh my God, what do we do, dude? I don't know! Try to say something! What do spiders even say? Oh no! He didn't like that! Wait a minute.
They gave you a yo-yo, but you swallowed it.
Just maybe.
Wait! Spiders, we may not look like you, but there's one thing that we have in common.
Mikey, hold on, bud.
Okay! I'm getting us outta here.
Whoa! Wow.
This was such a good idea.
You're so smart, and, also, you've done incredibly well for yourself without having a dad.
Anyway, you should probably wake up now.
Wait! Spiders, we may not look like you, but there's one thing that we have in common.
What are you talking about? Ah! - Oh! - Phil, what the fuck are you doing? Stop! This is fucking disgusting! What the fuck was that? I seized the day? Are you kidding me? You just shit out a yo-yo.
They're letting us walk out.
Ugh, there are kid spiders around.
- I wanna go home.
- Classic Animals.
Well, that was crazy, and I'm glad that we're back in Rat Town? Why is everyone wearing hoods and shit? Oh! Guys, hey, it's Principal Leif.
- Principal Leif from high school! - Oh my God! - Dude, we were just talking about you.
- You were? - Yeah.
We thought you killed yourself.
- We were sure of it.
Well, I annihilated the person I was before and replaced myself in my own space, but it's not a suicidal thing.
- Divorce.
- Hey, by the way, this is a strange place, Leif.
- Is this Rat Heights? - Mmm, almost.
Oh shit, listen to that.
It's the unburdening ceremony.
Look at me, running my mouth.
Have you guys seen the orb yet? - What orb? - Oh, you gotta see the orb.
- Orb? - Come with me.
Out of the way! These guys haven't seen the orb! - Make a path! - Jeez! All right, all right.
- Come on through.
- I'm going! - Whoa.
- There she is, boys.
- Her Royal Majesty.
- What is that? We are, at this very moment, standing in the epicenter of where the Green Bomb that killed all the humans went off.
My personal theory is that whatever that green gas was caused some kind of tear and this beautiful orb was born.
- Hail the Orb! - Shh! Sorry, I get a little stoked sometimes.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! - Who's that? - That's Yumi.
- Hi.
- Holy shit.
- What? - Phil, High Priestess Yumi - just called you to the stage.
- You gotta go.
- Holy shit, dude.
- I don't really wanna - Why are you excited? - It's contagious.
- Go, go, go, go.
- Yeah, I got it! I can climb up on a stage.
All right! Wh-wh what do you want me to do? - Like, barf? - Unburden yourself! Just say whatever you want! It's totally chill! Let go, man! Feels good! High Priestess Yumi, Terry Leif, big fan of your work! Long-time cult member, first-time meeting screamer! Unburden myself? Um, I can do that.
I feel like I'm closed off from others.
I think 'cause I'm inherently scared and ashamed because I've been a rat in a human world for so long.
But I no, we are all on the verge of being great.
You know after the humans died, we all scratched and scrounged to build up walls, but maybe there's a better way to live! - Hell yeah! - Damn straight! And I don't see the appeal of Jason Sudeikis! - That's a left turn.
- You know? He's just a dude.
He's not particularly interesting at all.
And Marvel movies are entertaining, I guess, if your life's unfulfilling! And Netflix is an uncurated mess! That's gonna cost you some jobs.
All of stand-up comedy is nonessential.
Late night talk shows are grown-up baby food.
- Not a popular opinion! - And you know what? Futurama was just okay! Woo! That was sick! I like Futurama though.
What? Come on.
Nothing? Sort of burned a lot of bridges.
Uh, they can't understand you! This is GrabbagVille! You're surrounded by Grab Baggers.
Oh! God! Grab Bags? You know what? When the humans were around, you guys were the goddamn pets while us rats were treated like garbage.
Come on, Mikey, let's get out of here! Rats take care of rats, like Phil said earlier.
You know what? This shitty ethnocentric mindset is exactly why I left Rat Town.
It sickens me.
You rats are all so vain and self-obsessed, and you took over New York without thinking about the other guys.
The little animals.
These guys.
The Grab Baggers.
Look at 'em.
Well, don't look at him.
He's eating one of his own kids.
Could you take that somewhere else for two fucking minutes? That's what you're doing while I'm defending you in front of everybody? You're eating your own blind kid? Unbelievable.
Okay, where was I? Let them help you.
What is it that you need? - I mean - A father figure? - What were you gonna say? - I was gonna say my car, just because we've been looking for my car this whole time.
Yep, stay on task.
A car for us.
Do you think they're building us a car? Do you wanna go to Qdoba after this? Yes, of course.
I believe you ordered one car.
- Whoa, dude.
- Oh my God.
You all worked together.
- Take it for a spin? - These are just two grapes.
You stuff 'em in this spot.
- It's sort of a one-time deal? - Well, you can get more grapes.
- Okay.
You wanna go home? - Let's do it.
Thanks, Grab Baggers! You're pretty cool, I guess! Remember what happened here today, boys! We work together different species united.
I'm dating a chinchilla.
It's goddamn crazy here.
We all fuck under the orb at night.
I'm just kidding about that last part.
The Grab Baggers can't understand me, so I'm having some fun now.
All right, who wants to build a fucking water park? Whoa! Hey, fuck you, thing! There's your car.
I see it, silly.
We made it.
We did it.
- I gotcha.
- Ow.
Phil, Mike, Mr.
Balaban's expecting you.
Right this way.
Oh shit, dude.
I don't know about this, man.
I just want this to end.
Excuse me, hello? - Dude, keep your voice down.
- No, I'm tired, Mike! I wanna go home! Phil, Mike! Back so soon? Oh my God, have a seat.
Would you mind grabbing some hemorrhoidal cushions for these two? I'd imagine after all the buttchugging festivities last night your nether regions are worse for wear.
Worse for derriere.
Is that funny? That's hilarious, Mr.
All right, listen, dude.
We've had a long, long day.
We just need the fucking keys to our fucking Kia Soul, all right? So you gonna give 'em up or what? - Balaban.
- What? My name's not "dude," it's Balaban.
Did you see the name over the door when you walked in? - Oh.
- Did it say "Welcome to Shitstain's"? - No.
- Did it say "Welcome to Fuckface's"? No.
Did it say "Welcome to Dumb Hair, Shitty Face's, - No Dicks Nightclub and Event Space"? - No.
No, it didn't, because it's not your club.
It said "Balaban's" because it is my club, because I'm Bob Motherfucking Balaban.
Seinfeld, Close Encounters, a stint on Girls.
I'm in both the Wes Anderson and Christopher Guest camps, for Christ's sake! Bob, just give me the word.
Whoa! Okay, dude.
Don't want any trouble, please.
Sorry, sorry.
Well, I'm sorry I lost my cool there, but I hurt people if I need to.
You're not getting your car, boys.
This is the end of the proverbial road.
- Your car is mine now.
- No! - But after like - All the different - The journey - The cats - And the spiders - The lizards - Remember the lizards? - It was so good.
Well, unfortunately, you both buttchugged 24 bottles of very expensive rosé which needs to be recouped somehow, so.
- All right, but - Come on.
This is Rat Town, boys.
We got a working economy and capitalism.
Heck, I got insurance, and I got vendors, and I need to pay them to keep my fucking club going.
We're not savages like the other species.
We got it all figured out, - so bye now.
Bye now.
- Bye.
Always great seeing you guys.
- Yeah, really fun.
- We don't like you.
Bye! - Bob Balaban has your car, Mike.
- He sure does.
Well, can't go downhill from here.
- Can't.
- Do you hear a Jumanji-like rumbling? - Mm-hmm.
- Maybe an angry mob of sorts? "An angry mob" is what I was gonna say.
Why don't we go and turn that way? Huh? Oh.
It is an angry mob, and oh my God, they're coming! - Okay, whoa, whoa! - Listen! Listen! - Yes! Phil and Mike! - There they are! - The buttchuggers! - Those are the buttchuggers! - Put them in the stockades! - Take it easy! We paid for the 24 bottles of rosé we buttchugged.
- They have Mike's car.
- Justice has been served.
No, it's how cruel you were to that lovely RUber driver.
It's gone viral! Fuck you, get out of my country, motherfucker! It was the "get out of my country" line.
- I said that.
- You did, yeah.
You bunch of idiots.
It's my country too! I'm an American! - Get 'em! - Mike and Phil: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, guys.
It's me, Bob Balaban.
I just heard what happened, so I'm going to be handing over the keys to Phil and Mike's car to the RUber driver.
My own car? Leave it to Bob Balaban to save the day! Good ol' Bobby B.
Bob Balaban, you're not only a character actor, you're a rat with character! Oh.
Wow, thank you.
- Give him applause.
- You're hot! Thank you.
That's great.
Okay, guys, you know the drill! Head here and arms here.
- This feels about right.
- Yeah, I felt like - we would end up in the stockades.
- Mm-hmm, 100%.
I mean this public shaming stuff kind of sucks, but it's better than getting lambasted on the Internet.
I think it's more just straight to the point.
- Ow! Fuck! - Can I just say something real quick? - I gotta get it off my chest.
- Sure.
Ah! You're seriously a Sandler man over a Carrey man, right? - Oh, 100%.
No question.
- Adam Sandler? - Adam Sandler has the better career.
- Who are you? - I can make the argument.
Ow! - Ah! Fuck! - Let's get into it.
- I will take you to the highest court in all the land about this.
- Okay, fine.
- You're flat-out wrong, dude.
Ow! Oh, you wanted more? You want more Balaban? That little taste wasn't enough? Hmm? - Okay.
Kick that shit.
- Here we go, Bob! I'm motherfucking Bob Balaban Walk around the block with a glock in my hand - Say what? - Yes, I'm motherfucking Bob Balaban Got the dick that's the width - Of a soup can - WAITRESS: Now, now I'm motherfucking Bob Balaban I'm motherfucking Bob Balaban Fucking with the BB Gets you in a ditch, man Animals, season tres They killed the humans, not a trace The kids are crazy Like-like Sudeikis They need their whip now Get out of my way, bitch! It's Balaban, bitches I'm motherfucking Bob Balaban It's Balaban, bitches! I thought that was pretty good though, right? I think we should send it to Lil Uzi Vert.