Another Period (2015) s03e06 Episode Script
Shady Acres
1 Previously on "Another Period" All I want in this world is for my little baby Murray to have a good life.
I will do anything, so I switched my baby with one of the Bellacourt babies.
I love you.
[PLEASANT STRING MUSIC.]
What a productive day of porcelain shopping.
From now on, I'm only eating out of soup bowls or cake stands.
All food must be high up or low down.
My dolls are gonna shit when they see this new tea set I got.
[BOTH GIGGLE.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[QUIETLY.]
Beatrice, look.
This is the third driver this week who's been glued to his kaleidoscope.
It's very unsafe.
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
Look! There's another one! [HORSE NEIGHING.]
[BELL RINGING, HORSE NEIGHING.]
[CRASHING, GIRLS SCREAMING.]
I want the money, I want the fame I want the whole world to know my name This is mine, I got to get it I got to get it, got, got to get it "Another Period" - Oh, Mother, it was a real brush with death.
My finger got scraped.
I'm disfigured.
Now I know why war veterans are always whining.
It's just a scratch, dear.
Don't listen to her, Beatrice.
We will beat this.
[SCOFFS.]
What's the point in being rich when bad things can still happen to you? You should be thankful, girls.
At least I'm not visiting you at Shady Acres.
[LAUGHS.]
Shady Acres.
I wouldn't be caught dead being dead there.
Well, dear, didn't you know? All the Bellacourts are buried at Shady Acres.
Shady Acres? They might as well feed my dead body to a bulldog and have him shit in a grave.
Mother, I will never be buried at Shady Acres.
I'm going to be buried at Chevrolet like all the other important people I hate.
Why are you talking about burying us? Wait a minute.
We're not going to the beach, are we? Beatrice, we could've died today.
What? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, I'm not going to die.
[LAUGHS.]
Why is everyone looking at me like I'm going to die? [STIRRING ACOUSTIC MUSIC.]
[QUIETLY.]
What? That's a conversation I probably should've had with her.
Stop making that face! It's unattractive.
[SCOFFS.]
I hate when things are ugly.
[SOBS.]
If I'm not here, who's going to see things? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[STIRRING MUSIC.]
[WHINING LOUDLY.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Huh, look at that apparently both the driver and the cyclists were on their kaleidoscopes.
I swear, it's like everyone's become a damn zombie since those magical tubes of light came out, huh? - Uh-huh.
- Put that infernal thing down! - Are you even listening to me? - I can do two things at once.
I'm going to look out the window real fast oh, my Victor! This is not good.
I am not happy with this.
We are on opposite pages! What do you suggest we should do? I don't know.
Something.
Something that'll bring us together, you know? - You know? - No, I am not having the baby discussion again.
Listen to me! If you think that I'm going to procreate with a woman, then you're crazier than being a homosexual makes you.
Come on, Vickie.
Everyone knows the best way to save a doomed relationship is to have a child.
Let's just try it one day.
[GASPS.]
And I know where there's a place where we can borrow a child.
[CHUCKLING.]
Blue, yellow, green, blue - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- Ow! Oh, my God! Credit cards and shirts Credit cards and shirts Okay, Freddy, here's your speech about jobs for the Dodo Bird Hunters Union.
Don't worry.
It's in pictures, not words.
I don't want to make a speech although that is a very nice drawing of a horse.
You don't want to? I'm so sorry.
Do you think it's easy to get elected? It's not.
It takes years of experience, lawmaking, and giving speeches.
Idiots don't get to be president.
Now, you're gonna go out there, read them these pictures, and prove that you can run the free world.
Sorry, Mom.
[CHUCKLES.]
[YELPS.]
Jobs.
[SCOFFS.]
Have you ever met anyone with one of those? Um, yes.
You have? What is it exactly? A job? Well, it's how people get money.
But why would they need money? Well, if one were to buy something, they would need money to do so.
For example, the Bellacourts pay me for my services.
This is a job? I thought this was your dream.
D-dreams don't buy gruel.
Only the finest silks for you, Baby Murray.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean Kermit.
Kermit.
Your name is Kermit.
And you are a wealthy boy now.
Ooh, would you like a bottle [GASPS.]
Of, I don't know, how about some (BLEEP) caviar? [LAUGHING.]
Yes.
Ah, there he is.
Oh, wonderful.
Now, let's snatch the little bugger.
No, this is Baby Kermit.
So - it's just baby Kermit.
- I don't have time for one of your hysterical blatherings.
I need a child, apparently, in my life.
- So let me grab him.
- No! - What are you - No! Blanche, don't tell me what I cannot grab, all right? I'm going to grab that child and take it for our own.
Do you grab it by the ears like it's a rabbit or - I don't know.
- Oh, no, you really can't.
I'm going to take it.
Thank you.
Give it.
Let go.
Let go of it.
- You know - [BABY CRYING.]
You can't because he has an equestrian lesson at 3:00.
Blanche, he's our former half-brother-in-law.
We can take him if we want to.
- [STAMMERS.]
- Victor! Come on.
Oh, oh! Oh, gosh.
I probably shouldn't be scoping, right? These are the kind of mistakes we're gonna make.
So many mistakes.
- Yes.
- That's the good thing.
- [BABY WAILING.]
- All right, let's You're upsetting the child, so let's get out of here.
- Yeah, you're a bad nurse.
- Oh, he's crying! [BABY CRYING.]
[CHORAL MUSIC.]
Now, do I want a classic grave or one of those tiny marble houses? Ooh, I could see myself in a little Taj Mahal but less ethnic.
I can't predict if Indians are still going to be trendy in 100 years.
[GASPS.]
Beatrice, look! I can get pink satin in my casket.
Ooh, and a monogrammed pillow.
Beatrice, help me pick my death pose.
Do you think this is too old-fashioned? Ooh, maybe arms by my side.
That's more modern.
Ooh, or maybe something like What does it matter? Worms are gonna eat you either way.
May I help you? Oh.
Uh hi.
[GIGGLES.]
Yes, we'll take two of your finest plots preferably in an area that can accommodate a crowd.
Wonderful.
Well, that should save me the time of going through this extremely extensive waiting list.
[THUD.]
[STAMMERS.]
Well, please.
I'm sure there's something we can do.
It's very important that I'm buried here.
Oh, it's very important? Well, why didn't you say so? In that case, all you need to do is travel backwards in time and get your great-great-great-grandparents to have better families and improve their bloodlines that is, if they can even speak English.
We don't know how to travel backwards in time.
You should tell that to your dresses.
That might hurt our feelings if anything you said mattered, but we're all just animals on a cold, unfeeling rock, hurtling our way toward the inevitable godless abyss.
So it doesn't.
Fine.
They're still old dresses.
Please, you don't understand.
Oh, no, child.
I do.
I do.
I simply don't care.
Anyway, there's nothing to be done.
The cemetery is completely booked.
We're only accepting legacies now.
Oh, uh, so legacies are guaranteed admission? Yes.
How else do you think we ended up with a mulatto district? - [SCOFFS.]
- Now, if you'll excuse me, my 4:00 is here.
[LAUGHING CORDIALLY.]
Mr.
Needham, welcome.
I see you've brought your parents.
Come, let's go pick out some plots for your grandchildren.
[GRUNTS ANGRILY.]
[HEAVENLY CHORAL MUSIC.]
Hmm "Spooky cemetery tours.
" Legacies only, huh? I've got the perfect plan to fool that Cole Bottums into believing we're legacies after all a good old-fashioned tomb-swapping.
Would you like some Beaujolais? Should we give him some Beaujolais? I mean, how Albert, how do you work one of these things? He's not giving me any kind of feedback.
- Just take it.
- Victor, you're thinking too much.
Parenting is like human nature.
If he's thirsty, he'll pour himself a glass of Beaujolais.
Well, look at you.
Regular Mr.
Midwife.
[LAUGHING.]
You think? I mean, right? I could get used to this.
I know you could.
Well Oh, Victor.
Can you not go five stinking minutes Calm down, my love.
This is actually for you your own kaleidoscope.
- My own? - Mm-hmm.
But you know I'm afraid of technology.
Don't be.
You just take the shaft and I'll work the wheel.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
That's wonderful.
You know, I'm very glad we came out here with Kermit.
It's really bringing our family together.
[KERMIT COOS.]
Oh, now I see what all the fuss is about.
Looking through a kaleidoscope is a great substitute for human connection.
You don't know the meaning of life until you've been a parent.
[STAMMERS.]
Shut up for a second.
- Yeah, no, actually, shh.
- Can you just I know, but I said it first, so you shush.
- Wait, let me go.
Ok, one, two, three.
- One second.
- Shh.
Shut up.
- I'm just doing this thing.
- I'll be with you in a second.
- All right.
Albert, are you still here? - Shh.
- Okay, sorry.
I bet Kermit would really enjoy this if he was looking through this.
[WATER SPLASHES.]
Uhhuh.
I've asked Hamish to help me with my plan.
It's actually perfect for him.
He's good with a shovel, smells like death, and claims to be an expert in dirty holes.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Over here.
[WHIMPERING.]
Hurry up.
The tour starts in five minutes.
Hold on.
Hurry up.
[GASPS.]
[PANTING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- What the hell is that? It's your Great-Aunt Beatrice, just like you asked for.
You're welcome.
You just had to bring the headstone.
You didn't need to bring a rotting cadaver.
Excuse me for taking a little pride in my work and being thorough.
You ever think that maybe it's not just all about switching the graves for the missus? That maybe I might be trying to prove my own value for myself? Go to plot A7 and switch the headstones.
Got it? What am I supposed to do with her? I don't know.
(BLEEP) her, for all I care.
Is that something that you'd be into? Kermit, are you out here? Pretend son, where art thou? How could you let this happen? Oh, Albie, everyone loses a baby at some point.
[GROANS.]
Maybe this just wasn't a good idea.
I mean, maybe having a baby wasn't the right plan to save our relationship.
Listen to me.
Everything we need is right here.
If you take out that goddamn kaleidoscope No, no, you idiot.
I'm talking about us.
As long as we have each other, we could lose all the babies in the world, and it wouldn't matter.
Well, it wouldn't matter to us, but people are gonna start missing that Baby Kermit.
- I'll make it better, I promise.
- Oh, yeah? How? [BABY CRYING.]
So we lost the baby.
But babies are like women.
They all look the same.
So we found a replacement on the servant's coal pile.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[VOCALIZING GHOULISHLY.]
Welcome, boys and ghouls, to the monthly midnight tour of the Chevrolet Cemetery, part of our "Tours for Poors" program, which we do for love of the community.
It's our way of giving back.
My name is Cole Bottums, and I'll be your tour "died.
" [GROANS.]
Opening with puns.
This is going to be a long night.
- Oh, it's you two again.
- [SCOFFS.]
Follow me, as we walk amongst the graves of Newport's most famous families, following a path that will eventually lead us to an eternal flame a flame that has burned longer than the American Republic.
[SIGHS, CLICKS TONGUE.]
Damn it, Hamish that's the wrong spot.
But stay close, for it is said that when the moon is shining, the dead may come alive.
The dead don't come alive.
The dead stay dead, and no one remembers them, and nothing matters.
Don't you think? Oh, thank God.
Oh, hello.
Hi, sweetheart, hello.
[SIGHS HAPPILY.]
Oh, no, this isn't this isn't my baby.
No, no, that is Kermit.
[STAMMERS.]
Different outfit, but that's him.
He still says "goo-goo" and he smells like a tea cake.
No, this is the wrong baby! No, it's definitely Kermit.
Tell her yourself, Kermit.
Oh, and look! There, he nodded.
That's Kermit for you always nodding.
Big nodder, so it's Kermit - [GROWLS.]
Who has my baby? - Get your hands off of me! - Blanche! - [PANTING.]
- Control yourself.
- They're lying! They're lying.
This is the wrong baby.
This is the wrong baby! Blanche, are you suggesting some sort of farcical baby switcheroo? I hardly think so.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
- I apologize.
- [BABY CRYING.]
Blanche, get this baby out of these rags and put him in his proper suit.
And don't forget the suspenders.
They make the entire outfit.
Oh, and, Blanche, clean this out, would you? We didn't feel like walking back into the house, - and so we used it as our bathroom.
- Yes, we shit in it.
Thank you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Done and done.
Hamish, what are you doing here? This is 7A.
I said A7.
Okay, before you get mad, I have to admit something to you.
I'm kind of a new reader.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Shit! Okay, here's what you need to do.
You need to take all of these things over to A7.
It's right next to an eternal flame, okay? That's a fire, not a word, so hopefully you can figure it out.
No.
Absolutely not.
There's this gravestone, Aunt Bea.
So, if you want all of this moved, you're going to have to help.
[GRUNTS.]
[WHIMPERING.]
- [LAUGHING.]
- [WHIMPERING AND SOBBING.]
[GRAND CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
Hello, my fellow Americans.
- I - We want jobs! Bring back our jobs! I have a speech.
We don't want a speech.
We want to feed our families.
[SIGHS HAPPILY.]
Oh, thank God.
I don't like to do speeches either.
What are you doing? - They didn't want a speech.
- Get back up there and speak.
- [STUTTERS.]
- Just do it.
Okay, I'm going to speak from my mouth.
You see, I don't I don't know anything about jobs or money or birdies, really.
But I do know that you can have whatever you want if you believe in it.
- [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
- You see, I wanted to be rich.
Does anyone else want to be rich? We all want to be rich, right? So I believed that I wanted to be rich, and so I was born that way.
I believed I wanted to be gorgeous, and "viola," look at that face.
So, if you dodo bird hunters want jobs, then you just have to believe that you have them already.
- But there ain't no more birds.
- Yeah! Scientists say they're extinct.
Well, what do scientists know? Scientists don't have to feed their families.
Some of this we'll have to figure out later, after I'm able to make all the laws that we want for each and every person individually or separate or together.
- Nothing matters.
[LAUGHING.]
- [MEN CHEERING.]
[ALL CHANTING.]
Frederick for president! Frederick for president! Mr.
Frederick, Mr.
Frederick! What you said up there was so inspiring and so true! I want you to know I don't work for you just for money.
To prove it, I want you to have this.
It's it's my life savings! Ooh, I love shiny metal.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes, yes.
Frederick for president! [ALL CHANTING.]
Frederick for president! Frederick for president! Frederick for president! [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Follow me, if you dare.
Mommy, I'm gonna be rich like these dead people when I grow up.
- If you grow up.
- What do you mean? You might not get another day another breath.
When your rotting body decides that your pointless life is over, that's it.
[WHISPERING.]
You're gone.
Mommy, she's scaring me.
She can't help you.
She's gonna die, too.
Hey, lady? Listen, I don't know if you're after my job or what, but I'm over here doing spooky, and you're doling out existential horror.
It's a cemetery.
Read the room.
The tour continues, ladies and ghouls! [SOFT PIANO MUSIC.]
[SOBBING.]
Aah! He's gone.
I don't know [SOBBING.]
Murray! Blanche, what are you doing on the ground? I don't barely pay you to lie about all day.
He's not not he's not Oh, I see.
There's the Blanche I know and love.
Like the swallows returning home to San Juan Capistrano, crazy Blanche has returned.
Come.
Let me escort you to the asylum, Blanche.
There it is.
Tut-tut-tut.
Here we go.
They miss you, Blanche.
They miss you.
They have your room waiting for you.
[CREEPY MUSIC.]
And now we come to the pride and joy of Chevrolet Cemetery the eternal flame at plot A7.
[SCREAMS.]
I'm already dead! I'm an illusion.
I'm not even here.
How come nobody told me I wasn't even here? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[SOBBING.]
Oh, Beatrice.
I'm gonna miss being you.
Oh! [LAUGHING.]
Look at that! [LAUGHING, STUTTERING.]
My Auntie Bea was buried here all along.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Looks like I am a legacy.
This is my family plot.
[DRAMATIC TONES.]
You think you're the first person to smuggle a headstone in here? You have desecrated my family The eternal flame! [URINE SPLASHING.]
- No.
- Nothing is eternal.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Hi.
- You've ruined everything.
Now they won't even let me be buried in Shady Acres.
I might as well be buried in Little Italy.
Now, here's the plan I'm going to need your Jew connections at Mount Mordechai.
Uh now's not a good time, huh? [SCREAMS, SOBS.]
Now [CHUCKLES.]
Where were we? [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Oh, my mother.
Oh, Beatrice! There are you.
- Oh, hi, Frederick.
- You should've been there.
- The workers loved me.
- What does it matter anyway? - We're all going to die.
- Oh, but I'm not going to die.
Yes, you are.
We all are.
But if I'm not here, who's going to see things? - I don't know.
- I don't like this.
I want to escape into my my rainbow world.
No, no, Frederick.
Frederick, there is no escape.
There's no escape.
It's all meaningless.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
But for some reason I want to do it forever.
Me too! Wait.
I have this shiny thing.
It's called a "life savings.
" It saves lives? How does it work? Well, there's a wishing well.
I've seen poor people do this.
They take their life savings, and they throw it into some empty abyss in the hopes of something impossible happening, so maybe if we wish to never die I wish to never die.
- [WHISPERING.]
I wish to never die.
- And then one two [COIN CLATTERS, WATER SPLASHES.]
- [BABY CRYING.]
- Oh.
- Ew.
- Mm.
- Ugh.
- [GASPS.]
Beatrice.
- What? - That baby has my coin! - Aw.
- Hey! Excuse me, sir.
[BABY CRYING.]
- Get out of there! - Sir.
Who do you think you are? Me? - Excuse me, sir.
- Give that back right now! Please, sir.
I didn't know you were down there.
I was making a wish about a new life.
Sir, why are you ignoring us? This is very hard.
We just found out we're going to die! By the way, you're going to die, too, if you don't know! - You're going to die! - You'll die maybe today!
I will do anything, so I switched my baby with one of the Bellacourt babies.
I love you.
[PLEASANT STRING MUSIC.]
What a productive day of porcelain shopping.
From now on, I'm only eating out of soup bowls or cake stands.
All food must be high up or low down.
My dolls are gonna shit when they see this new tea set I got.
[BOTH GIGGLE.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[QUIETLY.]
Beatrice, look.
This is the third driver this week who's been glued to his kaleidoscope.
It's very unsafe.
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
Look! There's another one! [HORSE NEIGHING.]
[BELL RINGING, HORSE NEIGHING.]
[CRASHING, GIRLS SCREAMING.]
I want the money, I want the fame I want the whole world to know my name This is mine, I got to get it I got to get it, got, got to get it "Another Period" - Oh, Mother, it was a real brush with death.
My finger got scraped.
I'm disfigured.
Now I know why war veterans are always whining.
It's just a scratch, dear.
Don't listen to her, Beatrice.
We will beat this.
[SCOFFS.]
What's the point in being rich when bad things can still happen to you? You should be thankful, girls.
At least I'm not visiting you at Shady Acres.
[LAUGHS.]
Shady Acres.
I wouldn't be caught dead being dead there.
Well, dear, didn't you know? All the Bellacourts are buried at Shady Acres.
Shady Acres? They might as well feed my dead body to a bulldog and have him shit in a grave.
Mother, I will never be buried at Shady Acres.
I'm going to be buried at Chevrolet like all the other important people I hate.
Why are you talking about burying us? Wait a minute.
We're not going to the beach, are we? Beatrice, we could've died today.
What? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, I'm not going to die.
[LAUGHS.]
Why is everyone looking at me like I'm going to die? [STIRRING ACOUSTIC MUSIC.]
[QUIETLY.]
What? That's a conversation I probably should've had with her.
Stop making that face! It's unattractive.
[SCOFFS.]
I hate when things are ugly.
[SOBS.]
If I'm not here, who's going to see things? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[STIRRING MUSIC.]
[WHINING LOUDLY.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Huh, look at that apparently both the driver and the cyclists were on their kaleidoscopes.
I swear, it's like everyone's become a damn zombie since those magical tubes of light came out, huh? - Uh-huh.
- Put that infernal thing down! - Are you even listening to me? - I can do two things at once.
I'm going to look out the window real fast oh, my Victor! This is not good.
I am not happy with this.
We are on opposite pages! What do you suggest we should do? I don't know.
Something.
Something that'll bring us together, you know? - You know? - No, I am not having the baby discussion again.
Listen to me! If you think that I'm going to procreate with a woman, then you're crazier than being a homosexual makes you.
Come on, Vickie.
Everyone knows the best way to save a doomed relationship is to have a child.
Let's just try it one day.
[GASPS.]
And I know where there's a place where we can borrow a child.
[CHUCKLING.]
Blue, yellow, green, blue - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- Ow! Oh, my God! Credit cards and shirts Credit cards and shirts Okay, Freddy, here's your speech about jobs for the Dodo Bird Hunters Union.
Don't worry.
It's in pictures, not words.
I don't want to make a speech although that is a very nice drawing of a horse.
You don't want to? I'm so sorry.
Do you think it's easy to get elected? It's not.
It takes years of experience, lawmaking, and giving speeches.
Idiots don't get to be president.
Now, you're gonna go out there, read them these pictures, and prove that you can run the free world.
Sorry, Mom.
[CHUCKLES.]
[YELPS.]
Jobs.
[SCOFFS.]
Have you ever met anyone with one of those? Um, yes.
You have? What is it exactly? A job? Well, it's how people get money.
But why would they need money? Well, if one were to buy something, they would need money to do so.
For example, the Bellacourts pay me for my services.
This is a job? I thought this was your dream.
D-dreams don't buy gruel.
Only the finest silks for you, Baby Murray.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean Kermit.
Kermit.
Your name is Kermit.
And you are a wealthy boy now.
Ooh, would you like a bottle [GASPS.]
Of, I don't know, how about some (BLEEP) caviar? [LAUGHING.]
Yes.
Ah, there he is.
Oh, wonderful.
Now, let's snatch the little bugger.
No, this is Baby Kermit.
So - it's just baby Kermit.
- I don't have time for one of your hysterical blatherings.
I need a child, apparently, in my life.
- So let me grab him.
- No! - What are you - No! Blanche, don't tell me what I cannot grab, all right? I'm going to grab that child and take it for our own.
Do you grab it by the ears like it's a rabbit or - I don't know.
- Oh, no, you really can't.
I'm going to take it.
Thank you.
Give it.
Let go.
Let go of it.
- You know - [BABY CRYING.]
You can't because he has an equestrian lesson at 3:00.
Blanche, he's our former half-brother-in-law.
We can take him if we want to.
- [STAMMERS.]
- Victor! Come on.
Oh, oh! Oh, gosh.
I probably shouldn't be scoping, right? These are the kind of mistakes we're gonna make.
So many mistakes.
- Yes.
- That's the good thing.
- [BABY WAILING.]
- All right, let's You're upsetting the child, so let's get out of here.
- Yeah, you're a bad nurse.
- Oh, he's crying! [BABY CRYING.]
[CHORAL MUSIC.]
Now, do I want a classic grave or one of those tiny marble houses? Ooh, I could see myself in a little Taj Mahal but less ethnic.
I can't predict if Indians are still going to be trendy in 100 years.
[GASPS.]
Beatrice, look! I can get pink satin in my casket.
Ooh, and a monogrammed pillow.
Beatrice, help me pick my death pose.
Do you think this is too old-fashioned? Ooh, maybe arms by my side.
That's more modern.
Ooh, or maybe something like What does it matter? Worms are gonna eat you either way.
May I help you? Oh.
Uh hi.
[GIGGLES.]
Yes, we'll take two of your finest plots preferably in an area that can accommodate a crowd.
Wonderful.
Well, that should save me the time of going through this extremely extensive waiting list.
[THUD.]
[STAMMERS.]
Well, please.
I'm sure there's something we can do.
It's very important that I'm buried here.
Oh, it's very important? Well, why didn't you say so? In that case, all you need to do is travel backwards in time and get your great-great-great-grandparents to have better families and improve their bloodlines that is, if they can even speak English.
We don't know how to travel backwards in time.
You should tell that to your dresses.
That might hurt our feelings if anything you said mattered, but we're all just animals on a cold, unfeeling rock, hurtling our way toward the inevitable godless abyss.
So it doesn't.
Fine.
They're still old dresses.
Please, you don't understand.
Oh, no, child.
I do.
I do.
I simply don't care.
Anyway, there's nothing to be done.
The cemetery is completely booked.
We're only accepting legacies now.
Oh, uh, so legacies are guaranteed admission? Yes.
How else do you think we ended up with a mulatto district? - [SCOFFS.]
- Now, if you'll excuse me, my 4:00 is here.
[LAUGHING CORDIALLY.]
Mr.
Needham, welcome.
I see you've brought your parents.
Come, let's go pick out some plots for your grandchildren.
[GRUNTS ANGRILY.]
[HEAVENLY CHORAL MUSIC.]
Hmm "Spooky cemetery tours.
" Legacies only, huh? I've got the perfect plan to fool that Cole Bottums into believing we're legacies after all a good old-fashioned tomb-swapping.
Would you like some Beaujolais? Should we give him some Beaujolais? I mean, how Albert, how do you work one of these things? He's not giving me any kind of feedback.
- Just take it.
- Victor, you're thinking too much.
Parenting is like human nature.
If he's thirsty, he'll pour himself a glass of Beaujolais.
Well, look at you.
Regular Mr.
Midwife.
[LAUGHING.]
You think? I mean, right? I could get used to this.
I know you could.
Well Oh, Victor.
Can you not go five stinking minutes Calm down, my love.
This is actually for you your own kaleidoscope.
- My own? - Mm-hmm.
But you know I'm afraid of technology.
Don't be.
You just take the shaft and I'll work the wheel.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
That's wonderful.
You know, I'm very glad we came out here with Kermit.
It's really bringing our family together.
[KERMIT COOS.]
Oh, now I see what all the fuss is about.
Looking through a kaleidoscope is a great substitute for human connection.
You don't know the meaning of life until you've been a parent.
[STAMMERS.]
Shut up for a second.
- Yeah, no, actually, shh.
- Can you just I know, but I said it first, so you shush.
- Wait, let me go.
Ok, one, two, three.
- One second.
- Shh.
Shut up.
- I'm just doing this thing.
- I'll be with you in a second.
- All right.
Albert, are you still here? - Shh.
- Okay, sorry.
I bet Kermit would really enjoy this if he was looking through this.
[WATER SPLASHES.]
Uhhuh.
I've asked Hamish to help me with my plan.
It's actually perfect for him.
He's good with a shovel, smells like death, and claims to be an expert in dirty holes.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Over here.
[WHIMPERING.]
Hurry up.
The tour starts in five minutes.
Hold on.
Hurry up.
[GASPS.]
[PANTING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- What the hell is that? It's your Great-Aunt Beatrice, just like you asked for.
You're welcome.
You just had to bring the headstone.
You didn't need to bring a rotting cadaver.
Excuse me for taking a little pride in my work and being thorough.
You ever think that maybe it's not just all about switching the graves for the missus? That maybe I might be trying to prove my own value for myself? Go to plot A7 and switch the headstones.
Got it? What am I supposed to do with her? I don't know.
(BLEEP) her, for all I care.
Is that something that you'd be into? Kermit, are you out here? Pretend son, where art thou? How could you let this happen? Oh, Albie, everyone loses a baby at some point.
[GROANS.]
Maybe this just wasn't a good idea.
I mean, maybe having a baby wasn't the right plan to save our relationship.
Listen to me.
Everything we need is right here.
If you take out that goddamn kaleidoscope No, no, you idiot.
I'm talking about us.
As long as we have each other, we could lose all the babies in the world, and it wouldn't matter.
Well, it wouldn't matter to us, but people are gonna start missing that Baby Kermit.
- I'll make it better, I promise.
- Oh, yeah? How? [BABY CRYING.]
So we lost the baby.
But babies are like women.
They all look the same.
So we found a replacement on the servant's coal pile.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[VOCALIZING GHOULISHLY.]
Welcome, boys and ghouls, to the monthly midnight tour of the Chevrolet Cemetery, part of our "Tours for Poors" program, which we do for love of the community.
It's our way of giving back.
My name is Cole Bottums, and I'll be your tour "died.
" [GROANS.]
Opening with puns.
This is going to be a long night.
- Oh, it's you two again.
- [SCOFFS.]
Follow me, as we walk amongst the graves of Newport's most famous families, following a path that will eventually lead us to an eternal flame a flame that has burned longer than the American Republic.
[SIGHS, CLICKS TONGUE.]
Damn it, Hamish that's the wrong spot.
But stay close, for it is said that when the moon is shining, the dead may come alive.
The dead don't come alive.
The dead stay dead, and no one remembers them, and nothing matters.
Don't you think? Oh, thank God.
Oh, hello.
Hi, sweetheart, hello.
[SIGHS HAPPILY.]
Oh, no, this isn't this isn't my baby.
No, no, that is Kermit.
[STAMMERS.]
Different outfit, but that's him.
He still says "goo-goo" and he smells like a tea cake.
No, this is the wrong baby! No, it's definitely Kermit.
Tell her yourself, Kermit.
Oh, and look! There, he nodded.
That's Kermit for you always nodding.
Big nodder, so it's Kermit - [GROWLS.]
Who has my baby? - Get your hands off of me! - Blanche! - [PANTING.]
- Control yourself.
- They're lying! They're lying.
This is the wrong baby.
This is the wrong baby! Blanche, are you suggesting some sort of farcical baby switcheroo? I hardly think so.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
- I apologize.
- [BABY CRYING.]
Blanche, get this baby out of these rags and put him in his proper suit.
And don't forget the suspenders.
They make the entire outfit.
Oh, and, Blanche, clean this out, would you? We didn't feel like walking back into the house, - and so we used it as our bathroom.
- Yes, we shit in it.
Thank you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Done and done.
Hamish, what are you doing here? This is 7A.
I said A7.
Okay, before you get mad, I have to admit something to you.
I'm kind of a new reader.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Shit! Okay, here's what you need to do.
You need to take all of these things over to A7.
It's right next to an eternal flame, okay? That's a fire, not a word, so hopefully you can figure it out.
No.
Absolutely not.
There's this gravestone, Aunt Bea.
So, if you want all of this moved, you're going to have to help.
[GRUNTS.]
[WHIMPERING.]
- [LAUGHING.]
- [WHIMPERING AND SOBBING.]
[GRAND CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
Hello, my fellow Americans.
- I - We want jobs! Bring back our jobs! I have a speech.
We don't want a speech.
We want to feed our families.
[SIGHS HAPPILY.]
Oh, thank God.
I don't like to do speeches either.
What are you doing? - They didn't want a speech.
- Get back up there and speak.
- [STUTTERS.]
- Just do it.
Okay, I'm going to speak from my mouth.
You see, I don't I don't know anything about jobs or money or birdies, really.
But I do know that you can have whatever you want if you believe in it.
- [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
- You see, I wanted to be rich.
Does anyone else want to be rich? We all want to be rich, right? So I believed that I wanted to be rich, and so I was born that way.
I believed I wanted to be gorgeous, and "viola," look at that face.
So, if you dodo bird hunters want jobs, then you just have to believe that you have them already.
- But there ain't no more birds.
- Yeah! Scientists say they're extinct.
Well, what do scientists know? Scientists don't have to feed their families.
Some of this we'll have to figure out later, after I'm able to make all the laws that we want for each and every person individually or separate or together.
- Nothing matters.
[LAUGHING.]
- [MEN CHEERING.]
[ALL CHANTING.]
Frederick for president! Frederick for president! Mr.
Frederick, Mr.
Frederick! What you said up there was so inspiring and so true! I want you to know I don't work for you just for money.
To prove it, I want you to have this.
It's it's my life savings! Ooh, I love shiny metal.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes, yes.
Frederick for president! [ALL CHANTING.]
Frederick for president! Frederick for president! Frederick for president! [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Follow me, if you dare.
Mommy, I'm gonna be rich like these dead people when I grow up.
- If you grow up.
- What do you mean? You might not get another day another breath.
When your rotting body decides that your pointless life is over, that's it.
[WHISPERING.]
You're gone.
Mommy, she's scaring me.
She can't help you.
She's gonna die, too.
Hey, lady? Listen, I don't know if you're after my job or what, but I'm over here doing spooky, and you're doling out existential horror.
It's a cemetery.
Read the room.
The tour continues, ladies and ghouls! [SOFT PIANO MUSIC.]
[SOBBING.]
Aah! He's gone.
I don't know [SOBBING.]
Murray! Blanche, what are you doing on the ground? I don't barely pay you to lie about all day.
He's not not he's not Oh, I see.
There's the Blanche I know and love.
Like the swallows returning home to San Juan Capistrano, crazy Blanche has returned.
Come.
Let me escort you to the asylum, Blanche.
There it is.
Tut-tut-tut.
Here we go.
They miss you, Blanche.
They miss you.
They have your room waiting for you.
[CREEPY MUSIC.]
And now we come to the pride and joy of Chevrolet Cemetery the eternal flame at plot A7.
[SCREAMS.]
I'm already dead! I'm an illusion.
I'm not even here.
How come nobody told me I wasn't even here? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[SOBBING.]
Oh, Beatrice.
I'm gonna miss being you.
Oh! [LAUGHING.]
Look at that! [LAUGHING, STUTTERING.]
My Auntie Bea was buried here all along.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Looks like I am a legacy.
This is my family plot.
[DRAMATIC TONES.]
You think you're the first person to smuggle a headstone in here? You have desecrated my family The eternal flame! [URINE SPLASHING.]
- No.
- Nothing is eternal.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Hi.
- You've ruined everything.
Now they won't even let me be buried in Shady Acres.
I might as well be buried in Little Italy.
Now, here's the plan I'm going to need your Jew connections at Mount Mordechai.
Uh now's not a good time, huh? [SCREAMS, SOBS.]
Now [CHUCKLES.]
Where were we? [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Oh, my mother.
Oh, Beatrice! There are you.
- Oh, hi, Frederick.
- You should've been there.
- The workers loved me.
- What does it matter anyway? - We're all going to die.
- Oh, but I'm not going to die.
Yes, you are.
We all are.
But if I'm not here, who's going to see things? - I don't know.
- I don't like this.
I want to escape into my my rainbow world.
No, no, Frederick.
Frederick, there is no escape.
There's no escape.
It's all meaningless.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
But for some reason I want to do it forever.
Me too! Wait.
I have this shiny thing.
It's called a "life savings.
" It saves lives? How does it work? Well, there's a wishing well.
I've seen poor people do this.
They take their life savings, and they throw it into some empty abyss in the hopes of something impossible happening, so maybe if we wish to never die I wish to never die.
- [WHISPERING.]
I wish to never die.
- And then one two [COIN CLATTERS, WATER SPLASHES.]
- [BABY CRYING.]
- Oh.
- Ew.
- Mm.
- Ugh.
- [GASPS.]
Beatrice.
- What? - That baby has my coin! - Aw.
- Hey! Excuse me, sir.
[BABY CRYING.]
- Get out of there! - Sir.
Who do you think you are? Me? - Excuse me, sir.
- Give that back right now! Please, sir.
I didn't know you were down there.
I was making a wish about a new life.
Sir, why are you ignoring us? This is very hard.
We just found out we're going to die! By the way, you're going to die, too, if you don't know! - You're going to die! - You'll die maybe today!