Another Period (2015) s03e08 Episode Script
Lucky Chang's
1 Previously on "Another Period" I was kidnapped and I was forced to have sex on camera.
Ah.
You've come for me.
- Beatrice.
- Beatrice.
Beatrice, you're a slut.
Smile.
Beatrice is a vacant, useless whore, and that's all she'll ever be.
You're just jealous because I'm a star and you're not.
Far too lovely for these eyes to behold What's the point of living when Beatrice is famous and I'm not? And in my shy way, I can't speak So I wait and wonder when Oh, Cutie, what's the point of anything when people you don't even care about don't know your name or anything about you? Let's kill ourselves together.
Going to miss our custom-made suicide outfits.
[sobs.]
Come get me, train.
[cries.]
- Ah.
- What in [mutters.]
Hey, if you're trying to kill yourself, this train ain't coming through here again till Tuesday.
Shit.
Here, give this a read.
Kill some time.
I apologize for its stickiness, but that Beatrice Bellacourt ooh, she makes it flow, if you feel me, huh? [grunts.]
[harp trill.]
Oh, and you might want to try lying diagonal.
Train'll shred you up real good that way.
Worked on my wife.
"Lucky Chang's Casino.
" It's a sign.
Who was that dirty angel? Cutie, there's no problem that gambling can't solve.
Chinese-town, here we come.
I want the money, I want the fame I want the whole world to know my name This is mine, I got to get it I got to get it, got, got to get it "Another Period" [light orchestral music.]
[muffled.]
How about this one, Mother? Eww.
Still too gummy.
This is how a lady smiles.
Faces are hard.
Eww.
Frederick got present skin on me.
Get it off.
- Get it off.
- [laughs.]
- Very sorry, Madam.
- Ugh.
Master Frederick, where did you get all these presents? Oh, these are simply expensive gifts that I'm accepting in exchange for political favors.
This one is from the Buffalo Society.
They want to put a buffalo on the new nickel, and they need my vote.
[chuckles.]
There's going to be a new design on the nickel? Beatrice.
This is the chance we've been waiting for.
You know I was the original model for the Statue of Liberty.
You're not green, Mother.
Of course, I didn't get to be the statue.
I missed my chance.
But I won't miss yours.
Beatrice, you're going to be on money.
[both giggling.]
Beatrice.
I wasn't, I wasn't.
I was just sitting here.
[sinister orchestral music.]
[lively music.]
I've come to drown my sorrows in the sweet delights of the game of chance.
Is this Lucky Chang's Casino? Welcome to America.
Hello.
I'm rich.
Do you speak English? Is this the right place? Luck be a lady.
You, my dear, are beautiful.
I know that look.
Sibling problems? You wouldn't understand.
[scoffs.]
You'd be surprised.
Perhaps a game of Fan Tan would cheer you up? Why don't you stay and play with us? "Us"? I'm Chang.
This is Eng.
Hi.
Guess how many spines we have.
It's two, and then one, and then two again.
Mm Siamese.
If Beatrice is going to get on the nickel, she needs to look her best.
So I've ordered the latest in beautification technology for her makeover.
The goal is to make you look as much like a corpse as possible without actually killing you.
What is this thing, anyway? Oh, it's an X-ray machine.
It takes pictures of your bones.
That's what servants use it for.
Real people use it to make their skin pale and sallow.
Garfield, stop looking at my bones, you pervert.
I would I wouldn't never [stammers.]
I would never look at anyone's bones.
What are you doing? Just figuring out how much cyanide to inject you with.
Oh, for God's sake, man, just eyeball it.
The poison will bring out the ocean-blue color in your veins.
Oh! Oh, it burns, it burns.
Garfield, is the bee box ready? - Mm-hmm.
- There's a buzzy in there? Ah.
To make your lips fuller.
This will make you appear more willing and fertile.
[screams.]
Presenting the new Beatrice.
Oh.
Beatrice, you look positively cadaverous.
I I know.
It's like, is she dead already? Let me see.
[whimpering.]
Mother, I never thought I could look so beautiful.
And it only hurt a lot.
Beauty is as painful as childbirth, dear, but far more rewarding.
I believe you're ready.
I'll arrange an artist to draw your entry for the nickel competition.
[mumbling.]
Oh, thank you, Mother.
- What? - Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank thank you, Mother.
[imitating Beatrice.]
Choo-choo.
Thank you.
Tink ee.
Thank you, Mother.
Crimps.
Thank you, Mother.
It seems that people only value me for the way I look, which is great, because I thought I had no value.
Ow.
[light mystical music.]
Winning number is four.
Oh.
I won.
Just like that.
This is almost as easy as being born rich and beautiful.
That's the magic of Fan Tan.
Where the wand goes, the money grows.
I don't need money.
Oh, you don't play Fan Tan for the money.
You play it for the rush.
- [giggles.]
- If we really wanted to make money, we should have went to podiatry school.
Okay.
Enough about the podiatry school.
Feet are recession-proof.
It's a lost art that some people don't appreciate.
Shh.
We actually play Fan Tan to forget our troubles.
I totally understand.
I have troubles, too.
My sister is famous.
Beatrice Bellacourt? Oh, I've I've never heard of her.
You haven't? Really? Oh, that's great news.
Yes, you have, Chang.
We just saw her movie.
I said I never heard of her.
Beatrice Bellacourt is your sister? Whew, she has beautiful blonde hair.
But you have dark hair, like a Chinese woman.
But you also have white skin, like a white woman.
Worst of both worlds.
With this life that I got I'ma do my damn thing Being the Vice President of the "Oosa" has its advantages, and one of those is getting my own copy of Beatrice's erotic nickelodeon.
I've got my Italian oil, my velvet sperm catcher, and my carafe of cocoa.
Finally.
Oh.
[laughs.]
God [knock at door.]
Freddie? What's going on in there? Oh.
Uh, nothing.
Uh, g uh, I wasn't doing anything.
Just one second.
Just one second.
One second.
Just one second.
Just one second.
One second.
Just one second.
One second.
Just one second.
Just one second.
[panting.]
Uh, just one second.
Oh.
What are you doing in here? I well, I was masturbating.
No.
I wasn't I was Masturbating to a moving picture of my sister.
No.
I was not.
I was, uh [quietly.]
Oh, think of something.
I was I you see this? I was Maass Tur [quietly.]
Bating.
[sighs.]
Oh, whew.
Whew, that was close.
[modern music.]
Ah.
No.
That was a birthday present from myself.
Another loss for the white ghost.
One diamond tiara on number four.
I tell you, as long as I'm playing Fan Tan, Beatrice doesn't exist.
I can understand hating your sibling.
Do you hate our sister Bethany? Not who I was talking about.
How do you deal with it? Rich inner life.
And Fan Tan.
You're a natural, Lillian.
I am pretty good, aren't I? I mean, I know I'm losing now, but I tell you, ever since I've been playing Fan Tan, I haven't been able to think of anything else.
How could she be a natural? Fan Tan's entirely a game of chance.
It just means Lillian is a very skilled Fan Tan player, Eng.
But there's absolutely no skill involved.
She just lost her last four bets.
And the winning number is three.
Ah.
Last five bets.
Well, I have a feeling your luck is about to turn.
Wait, so so you do understand that it's all luck? Uh Now I'm really confused.
You know, I'm going to do you a favor and take my break now.
What? You get a break? Five minutes without Fan Tan? What am I going to do? I have one idea.
[sultry music.]
[both moaning.]
[playing "Hot Cross Buns".]
My treatments made me very beautiful, but then I thought, "What if I was very, very, beautiful?" Or even very, very beautiful? [mischievous music.]
[electricity crackling.]
[grunts.]
[bees buzzing.]
[muffled screaming.]
[upbeat music.]
I'm on the money When you look at money, you'll see me Me, I'm on the money Poor people will be so glad to see her Rich people will be so glad to love her She's on the money she's on the money She's on the money Me She's on the money, she's on the money [distorted music.]
Ahh! [gasps.]
Beatrice.
Ah.
Fan Tan.
Today, the artist I retained is coming to draw Beatrice's portrait for her official submission to the Nickel Selection Committee.
Now, Pablo, we are hoping for a very traditional, very classic rendition of Beatrice.
It is my great pleasure to paint the beautiful Bellacourt daughter.
She's very beautiful.
Oh.
My God.
Oh, this here she is.
[whimpers.]
[whispered.]
What have you done to yourself? I made myself over and over and over.
Do I look beautiful? Um You're, uh Uh, Beatrice, this is, uh, Pablo the Spaniard.
Um.
An honor to meet you, Miss Bellacourt.
Ah.
Your hand is boiling hot.
God damn it.
Really? 'Cause I feel so cold so very, very cold.
Oh.
[grunts.]
Let's just begin, please.
Take a seat, take a seat.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Yes.
- Right.
[light upbeat music.]
Oh, come along, Beatrice.
There's my star.
Beautiful girl.
You're a star.
Smile.
- Okay - [groaning.]
This is no um Smile.
Okay, great.
You know, maybe I should just go.
It's only a 40-day boat ride back to Spain.
Pablo, don't be ridiculous.
You'll look fabulous, darling.
[teeth cracking.]
[whimpering.]
Ow.
Uh oh.
Oy.
This one's gone.
Eh.
I will just finish this quickly Oh! [gentle music.]
I dios mÃo.
Come on, number four.
Come on, number four Come on, number four, come on, number four There she is.
Hey, you stole our money.
I don't really need your judgment right now.
I need support.
Come on, number four.
Specifically, I need $20,000 to keep riding on this Fan Tan train.
Come on, number four.
Let's get out of here, Eng.
Ah! I know what you're going through, Lillian.
You and I, we're the same on the inside.
Except for having all your organs.
You've always stood in the way of my dreams, or at least to the right of them.
Maybe you're the one who's always stood in the way of my dreams.
Ever think about that? I've been waiting my whole life to be free of you, Chang.
[dramatic music.]
Fine.
Good luck in podiatry school.
We'll see how you do without me.
Oh, this won't end well.
Good-bye.
- [pants ripping.]
- [gasps.]
Damn it.
Damn it.
Don't worry.
That's just our pants.
- Oh.
- Happens all the time.
Good-bye, Chang.
- I'm Eng.
- I'm Chang.
Looks like I'm all out of money.
Yeah.
What do you think about me gambling on credit? You know, for an old friend.
Didn't you tell me it made you happy that Chinese people couldn't become American citizens? Well, I'd just lost a big bet, and I do think it's a sensible policy.
I have an idea.
[grunts.]
This dress is worth $5,000.
More than your family's life.
Lillian's winning streak starts now.
Come on, number four.
Come on, number four.
Did I get it, Mama? Am I going to be on money? No.
You didn't get the coin.
You lost out to a buffalo.
I knew you'd ruin this for me again.
Well, maybe I can be on another America thing.
Like Like a flag.
Or an eagle.
It's over, Beatrice.
I'm dropping you as a client.
But but I'm your main daughter.
So much hard work to get you on the coin, and all we have to show for it is this awful drawing by that no-talent Spaniard.
[gasps.]
No.
Frederick.
Frederick, you voted for me, didn't you? Oh, my dear sweet Beatrice, of course not.
I got a better bribe from the buffalo.
Beatrice? What? Did you get a new dress? [gentle music.]
Yes.
Still got it.
Ah! May you have four daughters and live far away from a river.
Argh! Help.
Officers.
- Officers.
- Oh.
Oh, well, look at this.
Ooh, a young harlot, and she's totally naked.
I can see her forearms.
[laughs.]
Officers.
I'd like to report an illegal gambling parlor.
And how would a fine young lady such as yourself know about an illegal gambling parlor? I wandered in by accident.
Right, and I suppose you'll have us believe that's where you lost your dress? Ho-ho.
It is actually where I lost my dress.
Where is this so-called "illegal gambling parlor," then? Well, it's right here.
I'll show you.
Come.
Right this way.
[gasps.]
[light orchestal music.]
Well, welcome to Lucky Miceli's.
How many in your party? Where did it go? Where's Fan Tan? Fan Tan.
It was right here.
You were there.
Uh, this is an Italian restaurant.
See the garlic? Classic Italian restaurant décor.
The ravioli wrangler's got a point.
But you don't understand.
I went to the train tracks to lie across them, and then a dirt angel gave me a sticky newspaper, and inside that newspaper was a sign that said I could change my luck, and I needed to change my luck, because, well, my sister Beatrice is a famous pornographic actress and I'm not famous at all, so then I went to the Fan Tan parlor and I met these Siamese twins, and one of them wanted to become famous like me, so I went home with him, but then his brother wanted to go to podiatry school, and he wouldn't stop playing the clarinet, and then I couldn't stop thinking about Fan Tan, so I stole their money and came back to the casino and then they came, and they were so upset, they got into a huge fight, and then they their organs ripped, but it wasn't really their organs, it wa it was just their pants, and then I bet my dress because I couldn't stop thinking about Fan Tan, and I just needed to play more Fan Tan.
But I bet you get this all the time.
Why don't you come with us, dear? To someplace you can relax.
No, no, I just need to play a little more Fan Tan.
- Come with us.
- Put $50 on number four.
$100 on number three.
Fan Tan.
Fan Tan.
Where are we going? - Where are you taking me? - Whew.
[upbeat music.]
Fan Tan.
Fan Tan.
Where are you taking me? [dramatic music.]
Where are you taking me? We simply want to live in a world where we are free to practice our beliefs as we see fit.
You've got a deal.
Ha-ha.
Oh.
That's a cute hat.
Ah.
You've come for me.
- Beatrice.
- Beatrice.
Beatrice, you're a slut.
Smile.
Beatrice is a vacant, useless whore, and that's all she'll ever be.
You're just jealous because I'm a star and you're not.
Far too lovely for these eyes to behold What's the point of living when Beatrice is famous and I'm not? And in my shy way, I can't speak So I wait and wonder when Oh, Cutie, what's the point of anything when people you don't even care about don't know your name or anything about you? Let's kill ourselves together.
Going to miss our custom-made suicide outfits.
[sobs.]
Come get me, train.
[cries.]
- Ah.
- What in [mutters.]
Hey, if you're trying to kill yourself, this train ain't coming through here again till Tuesday.
Shit.
Here, give this a read.
Kill some time.
I apologize for its stickiness, but that Beatrice Bellacourt ooh, she makes it flow, if you feel me, huh? [grunts.]
[harp trill.]
Oh, and you might want to try lying diagonal.
Train'll shred you up real good that way.
Worked on my wife.
"Lucky Chang's Casino.
" It's a sign.
Who was that dirty angel? Cutie, there's no problem that gambling can't solve.
Chinese-town, here we come.
I want the money, I want the fame I want the whole world to know my name This is mine, I got to get it I got to get it, got, got to get it "Another Period" [light orchestral music.]
[muffled.]
How about this one, Mother? Eww.
Still too gummy.
This is how a lady smiles.
Faces are hard.
Eww.
Frederick got present skin on me.
Get it off.
- Get it off.
- [laughs.]
- Very sorry, Madam.
- Ugh.
Master Frederick, where did you get all these presents? Oh, these are simply expensive gifts that I'm accepting in exchange for political favors.
This one is from the Buffalo Society.
They want to put a buffalo on the new nickel, and they need my vote.
[chuckles.]
There's going to be a new design on the nickel? Beatrice.
This is the chance we've been waiting for.
You know I was the original model for the Statue of Liberty.
You're not green, Mother.
Of course, I didn't get to be the statue.
I missed my chance.
But I won't miss yours.
Beatrice, you're going to be on money.
[both giggling.]
Beatrice.
I wasn't, I wasn't.
I was just sitting here.
[sinister orchestral music.]
[lively music.]
I've come to drown my sorrows in the sweet delights of the game of chance.
Is this Lucky Chang's Casino? Welcome to America.
Hello.
I'm rich.
Do you speak English? Is this the right place? Luck be a lady.
You, my dear, are beautiful.
I know that look.
Sibling problems? You wouldn't understand.
[scoffs.]
You'd be surprised.
Perhaps a game of Fan Tan would cheer you up? Why don't you stay and play with us? "Us"? I'm Chang.
This is Eng.
Hi.
Guess how many spines we have.
It's two, and then one, and then two again.
Mm Siamese.
If Beatrice is going to get on the nickel, she needs to look her best.
So I've ordered the latest in beautification technology for her makeover.
The goal is to make you look as much like a corpse as possible without actually killing you.
What is this thing, anyway? Oh, it's an X-ray machine.
It takes pictures of your bones.
That's what servants use it for.
Real people use it to make their skin pale and sallow.
Garfield, stop looking at my bones, you pervert.
I would I wouldn't never [stammers.]
I would never look at anyone's bones.
What are you doing? Just figuring out how much cyanide to inject you with.
Oh, for God's sake, man, just eyeball it.
The poison will bring out the ocean-blue color in your veins.
Oh! Oh, it burns, it burns.
Garfield, is the bee box ready? - Mm-hmm.
- There's a buzzy in there? Ah.
To make your lips fuller.
This will make you appear more willing and fertile.
[screams.]
Presenting the new Beatrice.
Oh.
Beatrice, you look positively cadaverous.
I I know.
It's like, is she dead already? Let me see.
[whimpering.]
Mother, I never thought I could look so beautiful.
And it only hurt a lot.
Beauty is as painful as childbirth, dear, but far more rewarding.
I believe you're ready.
I'll arrange an artist to draw your entry for the nickel competition.
[mumbling.]
Oh, thank you, Mother.
- What? - Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank thank you, Mother.
[imitating Beatrice.]
Choo-choo.
Thank you.
Tink ee.
Thank you, Mother.
Crimps.
Thank you, Mother.
It seems that people only value me for the way I look, which is great, because I thought I had no value.
Ow.
[light mystical music.]
Winning number is four.
Oh.
I won.
Just like that.
This is almost as easy as being born rich and beautiful.
That's the magic of Fan Tan.
Where the wand goes, the money grows.
I don't need money.
Oh, you don't play Fan Tan for the money.
You play it for the rush.
- [giggles.]
- If we really wanted to make money, we should have went to podiatry school.
Okay.
Enough about the podiatry school.
Feet are recession-proof.
It's a lost art that some people don't appreciate.
Shh.
We actually play Fan Tan to forget our troubles.
I totally understand.
I have troubles, too.
My sister is famous.
Beatrice Bellacourt? Oh, I've I've never heard of her.
You haven't? Really? Oh, that's great news.
Yes, you have, Chang.
We just saw her movie.
I said I never heard of her.
Beatrice Bellacourt is your sister? Whew, she has beautiful blonde hair.
But you have dark hair, like a Chinese woman.
But you also have white skin, like a white woman.
Worst of both worlds.
With this life that I got I'ma do my damn thing Being the Vice President of the "Oosa" has its advantages, and one of those is getting my own copy of Beatrice's erotic nickelodeon.
I've got my Italian oil, my velvet sperm catcher, and my carafe of cocoa.
Finally.
Oh.
[laughs.]
God [knock at door.]
Freddie? What's going on in there? Oh.
Uh, nothing.
Uh, g uh, I wasn't doing anything.
Just one second.
Just one second.
One second.
Just one second.
Just one second.
One second.
Just one second.
One second.
Just one second.
Just one second.
[panting.]
Uh, just one second.
Oh.
What are you doing in here? I well, I was masturbating.
No.
I wasn't I was Masturbating to a moving picture of my sister.
No.
I was not.
I was, uh [quietly.]
Oh, think of something.
I was I you see this? I was Maass Tur [quietly.]
Bating.
[sighs.]
Oh, whew.
Whew, that was close.
[modern music.]
Ah.
No.
That was a birthday present from myself.
Another loss for the white ghost.
One diamond tiara on number four.
I tell you, as long as I'm playing Fan Tan, Beatrice doesn't exist.
I can understand hating your sibling.
Do you hate our sister Bethany? Not who I was talking about.
How do you deal with it? Rich inner life.
And Fan Tan.
You're a natural, Lillian.
I am pretty good, aren't I? I mean, I know I'm losing now, but I tell you, ever since I've been playing Fan Tan, I haven't been able to think of anything else.
How could she be a natural? Fan Tan's entirely a game of chance.
It just means Lillian is a very skilled Fan Tan player, Eng.
But there's absolutely no skill involved.
She just lost her last four bets.
And the winning number is three.
Ah.
Last five bets.
Well, I have a feeling your luck is about to turn.
Wait, so so you do understand that it's all luck? Uh Now I'm really confused.
You know, I'm going to do you a favor and take my break now.
What? You get a break? Five minutes without Fan Tan? What am I going to do? I have one idea.
[sultry music.]
[both moaning.]
[playing "Hot Cross Buns".]
My treatments made me very beautiful, but then I thought, "What if I was very, very, beautiful?" Or even very, very beautiful? [mischievous music.]
[electricity crackling.]
[grunts.]
[bees buzzing.]
[muffled screaming.]
[upbeat music.]
I'm on the money When you look at money, you'll see me Me, I'm on the money Poor people will be so glad to see her Rich people will be so glad to love her She's on the money she's on the money She's on the money Me She's on the money, she's on the money [distorted music.]
Ahh! [gasps.]
Beatrice.
Ah.
Fan Tan.
Today, the artist I retained is coming to draw Beatrice's portrait for her official submission to the Nickel Selection Committee.
Now, Pablo, we are hoping for a very traditional, very classic rendition of Beatrice.
It is my great pleasure to paint the beautiful Bellacourt daughter.
She's very beautiful.
Oh.
My God.
Oh, this here she is.
[whimpers.]
[whispered.]
What have you done to yourself? I made myself over and over and over.
Do I look beautiful? Um You're, uh Uh, Beatrice, this is, uh, Pablo the Spaniard.
Um.
An honor to meet you, Miss Bellacourt.
Ah.
Your hand is boiling hot.
God damn it.
Really? 'Cause I feel so cold so very, very cold.
Oh.
[grunts.]
Let's just begin, please.
Take a seat, take a seat.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Yes.
- Right.
[light upbeat music.]
Oh, come along, Beatrice.
There's my star.
Beautiful girl.
You're a star.
Smile.
- Okay - [groaning.]
This is no um Smile.
Okay, great.
You know, maybe I should just go.
It's only a 40-day boat ride back to Spain.
Pablo, don't be ridiculous.
You'll look fabulous, darling.
[teeth cracking.]
[whimpering.]
Ow.
Uh oh.
Oy.
This one's gone.
Eh.
I will just finish this quickly Oh! [gentle music.]
I dios mÃo.
Come on, number four.
Come on, number four Come on, number four, come on, number four There she is.
Hey, you stole our money.
I don't really need your judgment right now.
I need support.
Come on, number four.
Specifically, I need $20,000 to keep riding on this Fan Tan train.
Come on, number four.
Let's get out of here, Eng.
Ah! I know what you're going through, Lillian.
You and I, we're the same on the inside.
Except for having all your organs.
You've always stood in the way of my dreams, or at least to the right of them.
Maybe you're the one who's always stood in the way of my dreams.
Ever think about that? I've been waiting my whole life to be free of you, Chang.
[dramatic music.]
Fine.
Good luck in podiatry school.
We'll see how you do without me.
Oh, this won't end well.
Good-bye.
- [pants ripping.]
- [gasps.]
Damn it.
Damn it.
Don't worry.
That's just our pants.
- Oh.
- Happens all the time.
Good-bye, Chang.
- I'm Eng.
- I'm Chang.
Looks like I'm all out of money.
Yeah.
What do you think about me gambling on credit? You know, for an old friend.
Didn't you tell me it made you happy that Chinese people couldn't become American citizens? Well, I'd just lost a big bet, and I do think it's a sensible policy.
I have an idea.
[grunts.]
This dress is worth $5,000.
More than your family's life.
Lillian's winning streak starts now.
Come on, number four.
Come on, number four.
Did I get it, Mama? Am I going to be on money? No.
You didn't get the coin.
You lost out to a buffalo.
I knew you'd ruin this for me again.
Well, maybe I can be on another America thing.
Like Like a flag.
Or an eagle.
It's over, Beatrice.
I'm dropping you as a client.
But but I'm your main daughter.
So much hard work to get you on the coin, and all we have to show for it is this awful drawing by that no-talent Spaniard.
[gasps.]
No.
Frederick.
Frederick, you voted for me, didn't you? Oh, my dear sweet Beatrice, of course not.
I got a better bribe from the buffalo.
Beatrice? What? Did you get a new dress? [gentle music.]
Yes.
Still got it.
Ah! May you have four daughters and live far away from a river.
Argh! Help.
Officers.
- Officers.
- Oh.
Oh, well, look at this.
Ooh, a young harlot, and she's totally naked.
I can see her forearms.
[laughs.]
Officers.
I'd like to report an illegal gambling parlor.
And how would a fine young lady such as yourself know about an illegal gambling parlor? I wandered in by accident.
Right, and I suppose you'll have us believe that's where you lost your dress? Ho-ho.
It is actually where I lost my dress.
Where is this so-called "illegal gambling parlor," then? Well, it's right here.
I'll show you.
Come.
Right this way.
[gasps.]
[light orchestal music.]
Well, welcome to Lucky Miceli's.
How many in your party? Where did it go? Where's Fan Tan? Fan Tan.
It was right here.
You were there.
Uh, this is an Italian restaurant.
See the garlic? Classic Italian restaurant décor.
The ravioli wrangler's got a point.
But you don't understand.
I went to the train tracks to lie across them, and then a dirt angel gave me a sticky newspaper, and inside that newspaper was a sign that said I could change my luck, and I needed to change my luck, because, well, my sister Beatrice is a famous pornographic actress and I'm not famous at all, so then I went to the Fan Tan parlor and I met these Siamese twins, and one of them wanted to become famous like me, so I went home with him, but then his brother wanted to go to podiatry school, and he wouldn't stop playing the clarinet, and then I couldn't stop thinking about Fan Tan, so I stole their money and came back to the casino and then they came, and they were so upset, they got into a huge fight, and then they their organs ripped, but it wasn't really their organs, it wa it was just their pants, and then I bet my dress because I couldn't stop thinking about Fan Tan, and I just needed to play more Fan Tan.
But I bet you get this all the time.
Why don't you come with us, dear? To someplace you can relax.
No, no, I just need to play a little more Fan Tan.
- Come with us.
- Put $50 on number four.
$100 on number three.
Fan Tan.
Fan Tan.
Where are we going? - Where are you taking me? - Whew.
[upbeat music.]
Fan Tan.
Fan Tan.
Where are you taking me? [dramatic music.]
Where are you taking me? We simply want to live in a world where we are free to practice our beliefs as we see fit.
You've got a deal.
Ha-ha.
Oh.
That's a cute hat.