Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) s03e06 Episode Script

Little Brittle

I'm sorry.
You have the wrong number.
Damn it! Why did you hang up on me? Hit redial! - Hello? - Hello.
This is Mr.
I I believe that we got this I'm sorry.
You have the wrong number.
Oh, damn it! My name is Shake-Zula The mike ruler, the old schooler You want to trip? I'll bring it to ya Frylock and I'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, G Driving in my car, living like a star Ice on my fingers and my toes And I'm a Taurus Uh, check-check it, yeah 'cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homeys say ho And the girlies want to scream 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homeys say ho And the girlies want to scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force Number one in the hood, G Please come visit me, dawg Well, back in 1912, I could kick your ass I did the tango and the fox trot Before it got banned There was ragtime and jazz before there ever was rap Now I'm trapped with a colostomy bag in my pants - Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, hell, no.
- Hell, yeah.
We are not doing this again.
No way.
Yeah way.
This is MC Pee Pants, isn't it? Isn't it? - No.
- OK.
- Sir Loin, right? - No.
Well, who is it, then? Guess.
Where are my eyes looking? Will you just tell me who he is? 'Cause I'm not gonna look at your poster.
This here is Little Brittle and the C-Bag and he's kicking it elderly school.
- See? - Yeah, I see him.
- See? - Yeah, I see him, OK? And this is MC Pee Pants.
He's come back again.
I mean, look at the shower cap.
Look at the yellow eyes.
Look at the diaper.
It's the same guy.
He's incompetent at being continent.
He raps about that on side two.
Bowel trouble, y'all, stool settle Soft and loose, soft and loose You got to give me the juice, the Metamuce All right, all right.
And that goes on forever.
All right, all right.
What kind of crazy dumb-ass, world-dominating plan does he have hidden in his lyrics this time, huh? No, man.
Just listen to this.
So I got liver spots bigger than dalmatian dots I'm all alone Won't you please come visit me, dawg? He just wants friends.
He's old and lonely and he got a stone-cold groove.
Oh, really? Well, we'll just see about that.
Where's he located? No.
His son moved him to Tragic Castles 'cause he's driving a wedge in their marriage pooping and wandering off and messing up the shower.
They put him up there? Yeah, and they don't never visit him, neither.
And he needs to be resituated every three hours.
He gets sores.
That's why he says in his song Roll me, homey, my hips aren't burly I'm getting sores, and I'm getting lonely That rhyme ain't too good, but the beat is awesome.
Yeah, but they do I mean, they have nurses, don't they? Yeah, but they don't go in there no more because he spits on them and calls them harlots and barks at them to to get nude.
Oh, man.
I hope we never end up like that, huh, meatwad? I won't.
You will.
I gots to go and give respect.
I think I'll go, too because something's got to be up with this.
Where do you two think you're going? - Wherever the hell we want.
- Not without me! We're going to see Little Brittle at the old folks' home.
Without me.
Ah, come on, Shake.
You could probably cheer up some old folks.
Well, can we at least make a side trip? To where? Peru.
That's near here, right? See ya.
See this.
Dracula called, and he's coming tonight.
Little Brittle, knock knock.
Hey, Little Brittle.
We've come to visit you.
Big bitch, get away from my socks! I'll stab you in the neck with this picture of my grandson! Easy, easy now, Little B.
We're just here to visit, man.
That's all.
We're just here to hang.
Hey! Oh, yeah.
Uh, come on in, my sneedo.
Come on over here and give Little Brittle some props.
I haven't been touched in a long time.
Whoa! Ooh.
Go on, Meatwad.
He's happy to see you.
He wants you to hug him, see? But I I don't want to.
Aw, homey.
Why do you got to play me like that? Give him a hug, Meatwad.
But he smells like lotion and doo-doo.
Come here! Ah! Hey, you shot up like a weed.
You're, like, man-sized now.
Shake my hand like a man.
I'm hugging a man, y'all! What brings y'all down to the assisted-living hizzy? Uh, it's funny you should ask 'cause, uh, that's what I'm wondering.
What do you have up your sleeve this time? Oh, no! Oh, no, you did not! No one asked me that when I was fighting for your freedom in WWll.
- Look, OK.
I'm sorry, all right? - I'm a veteran! I just remember the last few times we had run-ins with you.
Do I know y'all? I'm Frylock, and this is Meatwad.
Nice to meet you for the third time.
Oh, yeah.
You are the yeah, you the you you the guy that wait a minute.
Who the are you? What are you doing in my room? You don't remember meeting us? OK.
A couple of years ago, you were a 6-foot-tall spider that wanted us to help you drill a hole into the earth to unleash demons to run your global diet pill pyramid scheme.
The what? All right.
What about this one? A year later, you were a cow that tried to get us to bring all our garbage to you so you could use flies to evaporate the walls of a bank so you could get the money and ugh.
Uh so you could get the money to rent patio furniture that you hadn't paid for yet.
And this is us at dinner right before we sent you to the slaughterhouse.
- Remember that? - Well those are good ideas.
So, you don't remember any of this.
- No.
- OK.
Satan has brought you back as an old man to do something.
Now, what is it? Boy, you crazy.
Sit down a spell.
You want to get busy with some hard candy? - No, thank you.
- Hell, yeah.
I want candy, bubble gum, and taffy - Remember that, Little Brittle? - Nope.
Hey, you, uh, you gonna put out any more jams? No, no, man.
My my label dropped me.
They said that songs like Uh-ih, Pilii didn't connect with today's youth.
Also, you slept through a lot of them songs, right? Hello? - Oh, man.
This is sad.
- Yes, it is.
Guess I was wrong about Little Brittle.
So, we should go because it smells like lotion and doo-doo here.
Hey, hey! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I haven't even shown you pictures of my grandchildren.
This here is little, uh who is this? Um, we best get going.
No, Meatwad.
You should stay and visit.
Wait a minute.
Who are these people surrounding me? I think it's important Get away from me! You're trying to kill me! that I get out of here, though.
Have fun! Wait, wait! Don't go! Come on, dawg.
Stay with me, dawg.
Today is applesauce day.
Applesauce day, dawg! - OK.
- Oh, thank God.
Thank you so much for staying.
Now, look here.
You make sure they don't steal my wristwatch.
They're in my mind.
But you you ain't got a wristwatch.
The wristwatch is in my mind.
I had to hide it there, you understand? I'll try to.
Oh, frylock, you would not believe what just happened.
A prowler broke in here and forced your cupcakes in my mouth and now he says if you don't leave the room and let him use the internet, he'll shoot me.
He has a gun, you know.
Well, you said he'd shoot you, so I did figure it was a gun.
Frylock, I am completely serious here You had more cupcakes?! You think I could just leave things I want out by you? Well, I leave stuff around you, and I don't cry.
Last Tuesday, you said, from your own mouth that I left a mess and that was for you, and you threw it out.
- Oh, Meatwad.
- Our friendship is over.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Look, don't forget to bring these cupcakes to Little Brittle, OK? He don't like cupcakes too much 'cause he says that the government made them too hard to chew intentionally and he says that he's too crazy to go on much longer this way.
You're friends with an old person? Yes.
I cut everyone off at forty.
After that, you're dead meat.
- That's why I'm the master.
- Shake.
What? I don't see you lining up to see old people.
Well, that's only because they smell awful.
I mean, I would go if the people were younger and didn't reek of fluids.
I mean Oh, but I should go.
Meatwad, it's very important that someone goes.
Someone without a nose.
And that's you, so go ahead.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, that makes sense, I guess.
Frylock, you don't have a nose, either.
Yeah, but he doesn't know that.
Because he was the prowler.
Will you shut up? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stick that tooth in there.
- Yeah, punch it in.
- You feeling any different? No.
Try the other side.
I ain't getting nothing here.
I got blood somewhere.
Come on! Just put it in there.
Hey, Meatwad, you forgot these cup What the hell's going on in here? - I'm turning him into a vampire.
- You're doing what? Vampire! He's a vampire! He's turning me into a vampire.
Well, he's not a vampire! I know.
I keep telling him that.
He says he says, "Do it anyway".
Yeah, yeah.
Get my teeth out of that glass.
See if they're sharp.
Why would you even think he's a vampire? Well, why the hell do you think I released Cime Visit Me, Dawg in Transylvania, yo? Yeah, that was an import.
I paid extra for that.
See, I released it in Transylvania so vampires would come and visit me and I could get them to bite into my neck and then I could become immortal.
Why the hell do you think I made myself look so sexy on the cover? See, I knew it.
I knew some bull was up with you.
I knew it.
Look, yo.
Brittle needs to live forever.
Otherwise, I go down to hell and Satan will send me back here as something worse.
He's got all these ideas.
He don't tell me none of them! Why don't you just become a Christian? Yeah.
That way, when you die you go to heaven, away from bad ol' Satan.
Can I do that? I mean, are they cool with vampires? 'Cause I got to feast on blood.
That's how I roll.
Look, you can't be both.
Either become one or the other.
And the other, which is a vampire, is impossible.
Well, then I guess I'm a Christian.
Oh, yeah.
Bringin' in the Cs, y'all.
Who knew I had it in me? I did.
Now kill me.
Quick! We're not gonna kill you.
The moral thing to do is to let you die naturally alone, in a pile of your own filth.
Look, it's easy.
Just build a time machine go back into prehistoric times with a satellite tracking device and a laser gun blow up the comet, save all the dinosaurs so they don't die out and create fossil fuels so there ain't no energy to feed my food to.
Or we could just pull this plug right here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Do that! - Little Brittle.
- No way.
Do do I know you? Oh, my gosh.
I so love your record.
Ha ha ha ha! You're so cool.
What record? Uhh! Aah! Aah! Ow! Aah! We better go, Meatwad, before someone smells you.
You think that was a real live vampire? That was, wasn't it? Wasn't it? I don't know.
Hey, y'all.
Check me out.
Don't go.
Y'all look.
Look, I'm a vampire now, y'all! Check me out.
I got I got fangs.
I got this bad-ass cape.
Wait a minute.
- Aah! - Whoa, man! Did you see Little Brittle? Because he's not supposed to be out in the sunlight.
No! Well, I guess we'll never see him again.
Not until next year.
Hey, Satan, my man.
Check it out, man.
I'm a bat, man.
That's cool, right? Yeah, yeah.
I see that.
What happened? Oh, come on, man.
You know it don't matter what I sa aah! Please come visit me, dawg The residue of many who are about to die Emit from the Tragic Castles which I now reside Come before 7:00, that's when they close the blinds Strap me down, steal my watch, which is no surprise I suck applesauce through a bendy straw When I poop, all the nurses come in and applaud I used to slap with the babes, used to bunk with broads Now my