Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) s08e09 Episode Script


Unit patrol, unit patrol they're back on the beat to make crime disappear beefy disguises from ground-up steer a Sherlock Holmes with laser-beam eyes your own private dick unit patrol, unit patrol Ready! Unit patrol, unit patrol Wider.
Crime doesn't pay unless you get away but you won't 'cause you can't from the aqua unit patrol squad one Tonight's episode "Lasagna.
" Oh, yeah, yeah, you know, I-I fantasize about, uh, just walking in there with a gun.
And If he asks me to fax one more thing, I will fax his head to Jesus on the back of a hollow-point.
Interesting, Nick.
Yeah, I feel pretty good.
I don't know why I have to be here.
Carl, you seem to be waving your hands.
"Thit" and what? Uh he's trying to say he doesn't agree with you.
Thank you! Carl, there's absolutely no reason to get angry in anger-management class.
You have to be here anyway.
So let's, uh, enjoy ourselves.
Let's get involved.
Oh, man! What a coincidence! Was her name cherries jubilee? I got news for you, man it's a fake name.
She's jewish.
She bit me, too! But thanks to tongue alive, I can finally say "see shells syphilis down by the seashore"! It brought my tongue back ine"! Two weeks, or most of your money back.
I am extremely cool! Thanks to kool kreem.
L! Apply thrice daily and see instant results.
Yeah, I saw the scram necklace.
It sounds to me like you need to use some kool kreem.
Come on, man! Let's blow this taco stand! I'll show you all the cool moves with kool kreem! Scam wow! Scam wow! This house is amazing! Hey.
Did I do it right? Yeah, why don't you come and get me? Whoops! Oh, hold on.
I got him right here.
He wants to talk to you.
He wants to talk to you again.
I could do this all day.
I bet you will.
Stay off the streets, now, sweetie.
Let it go, big man! That's what anger management's all about.
Now, check this out! T! They're just my new roto-sole outdoor sneaker wear.
They cut the grass while you stand and they absorb your foot sweat and you can drink it when you get hot.
And if you order now, you can get a second pair plus one pest-e-sock.
It's a sock filled with poison.
It keeps all the roaches out of your shoes, your feet, and your house.
Order now.
Nothing, man.
I just thought you might be into some lawn-mowing shoes.
I have a hard time shutting up about work.
That's what my other self tells me.
But never mind that.
Let's get that drink! How about some of my filtered foot sweat? How about scam wow? Mmm! What you cooking? Ooh! Lasagna! Quattro formaggio! Like-a mama used to make! Hell, I didn't know you could cook.
Yeah, for special occasions.
Uh, why are you drilling a hole in the pan? The cheese needs to breathe.
Come on, fat boy! Look what's cooking! Scam wow! That's some serious lasagna! Hey, Carl.
Good afternoon.
I just brought some lasagna for you! I just thought you'd maybe want to take a little brisk walk.
I mean, there are four kinds of cheese in there.
Don't let it get cold.
Carl, look at this! The ants are starting to run off with it! Wow.
I just I intercepted it myself.
You know, from the ants.
That's too bad.
I guess I'll just Toss this down the sewer in front of you.
This probably was the best batch I ever made.
You didn't you didn't want any of this, did you? Then let's see if you've got the legs for it.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Ohh! So close to marinara town! Well, I'll see you in the fall, fats! Look, Carl, you know you're gonna get shammed.
You got to strategize.
It's like dealing with girls.
You see a pretty girl you like, you ain't gonna get her unless you pounce on it.
Then you got to play it like a cool customer, and after time, it'll come to you and ask you to pay for it.
But if you don't pay, it'll bite your tongue off.
I'll show you how to roll, man.
Call your friend back.
Hungry, huh? Hmm You want some pasta? First of all, this is incredibly cruel.
I am incredibly bored.
You told me to follow my dreams.
Well, this is it, man! This is my dream! Second, when did you ever learn how to make homemade lasagna? When I was in New York.
When were you ever in New York?! Food! Frylock, he got food in there real food! We've been eating dog food.
I've seen you.
From that dumb mutt across the street? You said those were bacon croutons! Yeah.
Occasionally, I will raid his pan, yes.
Come-a to mama Mia! Just-a like-a back in the old country! Ignore it, big man! You don't need that! Now, that's Italian.
Scam wow! I'm proud of you! W gonoo the roof! Hmm.
That's impossible.
Everyone craves my four-cheese lasagna.
I ain't never had cheese what come from a cow.
I got cheese what come from a can.
And that ain't cheese, y'all.
That is hair spray.
The only cheese you'll get is nacho cheese, which is Italian for "not your cheese.
" In-a your face! Dang.
I want to learn Italian.
He ain't coming, shake.
He finally figured it out, man.
Every time he goes for the lasagna, he knows you're gonna pull that string.
Not every time.
There is that time when I don't pull it.
But most times.
Yeah, most times.
That's impossible, Carl.
No one breaks every bone in their body.
You just got to believe in yourself.
You can do this! And I can watch it! Hey! Oh! Carl, are you okay? We got to get him to a hospital! We've really got to get him to a hospital! Take off the damn necklace, man, before you kill him! You're not a doctor! I'm taking him to the hospital! Okay, maybe we're not gonna make it to the hospital.
Dude! You broke every bone in your body! That's insane! You're in luck! Because I've got uni-bone! Drink one nutritional shake every three to five minutes, and your skeleton will heal as good as new.
For fractures! For breaks! For sprains! For twists! For tears! The bone-a-nizer is the only solution.
And if you act now, I'll throw in a free pair of roto-shoes.
Mow your lawn while your skeleton heals.
Dude! The accusations are flying in here! How about I brew you up a cup of insta-bone regena-bone bonernizer? Scam wow! It appears that your bones have merged into, what we call in the medical community, one large, hideous super bone.
That makes sense.
Ah! So, is there some sort of nutritional shake that I can drink to counteract this whole thing? Well, first off, I would stop drinking any milkshake that claims to be medicine.
I'm supposed to drink these every three to five minutes.
You know, they're fat-free, and they're good for fractures, breaks, sprains, what have you, you know.
What's this? Carl, now, I know you know better than that.
I know.
Probably burn the roof of my mouth, right? Smells pretty good, though, don't it? Yeah, you need to leave that lasagna alone, man.
Get back here.
All right, I'll see ya.
You get back here! "Get that noodle, noodle brain," said the spider to the fly.
The milkshake is really good.