Archer s01e05 Episode Script


Oh! Oh, I cannot believe you.
Are you out of your big fat Russian skull? Of all the dumb stunts you've Nikolai, how could you do this? - With KGB surveillance team.
They - Not "how" how, you ass.
"Why" how.
For record of activities in Krakow.
Oh, some blurry eight-millimeter of No, we have the digital hi-def now.
So they can blow it up for the jury at my treason trial.
Is amazing, no loss of resolution Damn your bloodshot eyes, I'm serious.
I will not let that happen to you.
You let this happen.
And by doing so, jeopardized our entire operation.
Darling, please.
Don't say that.
I have no idea how this Ramón Limón got the disk.
He must have gone rogue.
Oh, all Hispanics look roguish.
The KGB had no idea about my plan.
So please, do not blame Major Jakov.
Oh, right, how could I? The important thing is that the disk does not fall into the wrong hands.
- You mean "wronger" hands.
- Like your government's.
Or mine.
I find it very surprising that Castro okayed an operation with such potential to embarrass the Soviets.
Well, he is unpredictable.
Which is why I am planning ahead for my retirement.
In beautiful Miami.
And so, here are the keys and the deed to my condo in South Beach.
A nice start to a new start.
But what of the financial arrangements? You'll get the money when I get the disk.
And if you've made copies I tried, but the Russian was smart enough to copy-protect the disk.
Yeah, he's a real genius.
But if you try to double-cross me Well, you should know what kind of a man you are dealing with.
- Oh, Ramón.
I think I know exactly what kind of man you are.
Uh, que? I said I could eat the absolute pants off some shrimp.
I don't suppose he's up.
No, mum.
And from the looks of it, not to mention the lemur I would hazard he's taking a personal day.
The hell he is.
Woodhouse, we got any lube? Like at this point even olive oil would help me get that drawer unstuck.
Jesus God, Sterling.
Schoolgirls? - Those are costumes.
- I suppose that makes it better? Doesn't it? Oh, uh, Woodhouse, I told my guests you'd pack their lunch.
I'll do my best, sir.
I'm afraid the lemur got into the pudding cups.
- Yeah, like I told you he would.
You idiot.
- Will you please focus? Now, I know you're familiar with the honey pot.
Seducing and blackmailing a hot female enemy agent.
I love the honey pot.
I'm sure you do.
But this time you may not find the target appealing.
- What, is it Pam? Seriously, whoever.
It's all the same in the dar No.
- Yes.
Yes! - No.
Come on.
- Have Gillette do this.
- Sterling, you're the only one I can trust.
And don't even get me started on Miss Gillette.
She has never liked me.
But someday I'm gonna write a book about this place.
A real smackarooni.
Sterling, please, I need your help.
This Ramón Limón is blackmailing me.
- With what? What's he got on you? - It's none of your nosy beeswax.
- Well, then it sucks to be you.
You'll be who it sucks to be if I have to call my bridge partner.
Oh, who's your bridge partner? - The district attorney.
- So? Sir, that stolen lemur bit one of your prostitutes right in the face and she says she can't go to hospital because she's, quote, "tripping balls.
" You know, when I was little, I used to pretend you weren't my mother.
- Me too.
Ew, kill.
- Shock.
- Shut up.
Oh, my God, bang.
- I hesitate to even ask.
- We're doing "Kill, Bang, Marry.
" - Again, hesitation.
- It's on the ISIS Intranet.
You click through pictures of everybody who works here, and say if you'd rather - Kill them or bang or marry them.
- Wow, that is entirely inappropriate.
That's what I said.
If you go through the whole list you can see what everybody said.
- Everybody? Like? - Like Lana.
And if, I don't know maybe she said "bang" about Mr.
Archer? - I got ups.
Move it, chubs.
- Hey.
Krieger's covert team installed these surveillance cameras while Limón was out shopping yesterday.
Yup, we've got video and audio with a satellite feed back to these hard drives.
- Same set-up I've got in my van.
- Jesus, Krieger.
- You're still taping bum fights? - No, now I'm into something darker.
- Ahem! Since that obnoxious little Castro is such a raging homophobe - Fidel hates the gays.
it's a safe bet he'd have Ramón killed if he ever found out he was gay.
- So once you seduce him - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I thought nobody else was supposed to know about this.
- He won't remember.
- Yeah, no, I'm - I am shitfaced.
Miss Archer, phone call.
- I'm busy.
- Um, we all are? - Bang.
Uh, kill, I guess.
- Thanks a lot.
- It's a bad picture, Pam.
He says it's urgent.
Something about developments in Krakow? Krakow? Oh, for Sterling, get to Miami, and don't come back until you've completed your assignment.
- Taking one for the team, huh? - Hopefully not.
Well if you do, I've developed a proprietary chemical compound which may come in handy.
I call it Formula K.
And it makes you temporarily gay? I don't know.
Just started human testing.
By dosing Danny the intern's coffee.
- Danny is definitely feeling something.
- I think I'm going to pass.
Suit yourself.
Just means more for me and Danny.
Who is loving it.
I have ascertained the target, sir.
And he's actually quite handsome.
And I suppose that makes it better.
- Doesn't it? - No, it Woodhouse, this is Miami.
Don't you have any cooler clothes? - No sir, not anymore.
- And your shoes.
Because how hard is it to poach a goddamn egg properly? Seriously, that's like Eggs 101, Woodhouse.
Now I know you've lost your mind.
You want me to defect to Russia? Just, uh, you know, if the worst happens.
That is the worst.
Standing in the snow for beet rations in my Blahniks? - Come on.
I'm head of KGB.
I have my beets delivered.
- Nikolai.
- Free Stolichnaya, Beluga caviar.
My own private limousine.
The Soviet system is actually incredibly unfair.
- And it just sounds wonderful, but - Hey, I'm just putting it out there.
Well, just put it back in.
You're the whole reason I'm in this mess.
I'm trying to help.
I mean, if that Cuban does not fall for the honey pot.
Oh, I think he will.
I've got my top man on it.
Or possibly bottom.
- Ahem.
Can I help you? - I don't know.
Can you? - Is this some sort of viral marketing? - What? No, I meant Or are you asking me, specifically, if I have a penis? Uh, it's more of a conversation starter.
And here's a conversation ender.
- Oh, bilingual snap.
- Thank you.
Do you not see me rocking this chiseled slab of hard man-body? - I mean, come on.
Are you gay or not? - I am.
- But you.
You are so not my type.
- What? Hey, I am everybody's type.
- Oh, please.
- What? - You are entirely too gay.
- No, I'm not.
- Are you kidding? - Oh my God, you, like, sneeze glitter.
Thank you.
So, yeah.
I'm an ISIS agent and that Ramón guy's a Cuban agent and, uh, I'm supposed to run what we call a honey pot on him.
I can't believe you have all this stuff and it's, like, portable.
I can't believe you blab that you're a secret agent.
I can't believe you're a hairdresser and Rudi's an interior decorator.
- God, he's the best in Miami.
- Thank you.
- You're quite welcome, sir.
- Lf I had a spoon No, no, no.
I would eat you up.
- Don't be nice.
So this spy agency, is it, like, the real CIA "James Bondy" deal, or what? Charles, ISIS employs some of the world's foremost intelligence analysts, covert operatives, and scientists.
- Wait, did Cyril play this stupid game? - You'll have to play to find out.
Danny, stop running.
We gotta keep that heart rate down, buddy.
Okay, kill.
- Ew, kill.
- Well, thanks a lot.
- Pam, it's a bad picture.
- I think that's hot.
Like, somebody murdering me? It's so intimate.
- So, yeah, basically, we're the front line in the fight against tyranny.
Thank you.
- My pleasure.
- I wanna dress you up like a little gnome and just have you live in my garden.
- I would like some new clothes.
Shut up.
But also and speaking of clothes these seem way too normal.
- What, normal as opposed to gay? Implying that gay is abnormal? Not abnormal, just gay.
In spite of your personality, you get plenty of women, right? Uh, duh and or hello.
So, "duh and or hello," just act like you normally do around women.
- Really? Because how hard is it to poach a goddamn egg properly? I believe he means before you lure them into the apartment, sir.
Yeah, that makes more sense.
So I just like, what? Approach him in a bar? - Yeah, If I were you, I'd try The Cock Fight.
- What? A cockfight? - It's the name of a gay bar.
- They also have actual cockfights.
Yeah, Latino men.
You take the bad with the good.
Jesus, what's your problem? - You are.
Blonde, brunette.
I thought I made it clear you are not my type.
Is that where we landed on that, because l Dios mío.
Is your ego so large you cannot handle a single rejection? - Yes.
- Let me buy you a drink.
- I already have a drink.
Why don't you buy him one? He could use it.
Why Why don't we all have one and talk about it.
Seriously Woodhouse, how can you be so totally awesome and not be gay? Well, I was very fond of a boy at school once.
Reggie Thistleton.
- But he died in the war, at Flanders.
- Flanders? - What war was that? - Oh, the Great War.
- They're all great.
- Oh, my God, yes, those Nazi uniforms? - Hugo Boss.
- Shut up.
Swear to God.
And look at slut, just getting home.
- Well, I guess our advice worked.
- No, it didn't.
- Ramón blew me off.
- Then where were you all night? Way the Christ out in the Everglades burying some Dominican guy's rooster.
- Fun.
- Oh, you mean literally.
- Yes.
- I mean, look at my clothes.
And what the hell are you wearing, Woodhouse? - L - We bought those for him.
If you throw them off the roof I'll fly to New York and fling acid in your face.
- Thank you.
Oh, great.
Mother, I have nothing to report yet.
This is a lot harder than I thought.
How hard could it be to talk a gay man into having anonymous sex? - See the stereotypes we put up with? - You don't know what I'm dealing with.
You don't know what I'm dealing with! See? Here is my nice building, my limousine, my mother.
Oh, and my apartment is two bedrooms, so she won't even have to move out.
So you just listen to me, Mr.
Get me some video of hot man-on-man action by tonight or don't bother coming home.
- She sounds fabulous.
- Yeah, she's actually not.
But the stereotype thing got me thinking because, let's see, Ramón is Latino - And Latinos are all about machismo.
So you may have to out-macho him.
Out-macho a gay guy? Oh, my stars.
Or, wait, you could just be a sarcastic bitch your whole life.
- Thank you.
Wait a Did you set this whole thing up just so I'd have to come live with you and your mother? - No! It was merely incompetence.
- And I suppose that makes it better? Doesn't it? Wait a minute, how do you know Ramón's playing jai alai right now? - Um, he's Latino.
- So it's either that or dominoes.
Stereotypes exist for a reason.
Okay, we're off to get our scrotums waxed.
Ramón, hey.
I have a proposition for you.
Mama, have to call you back.
- Don't you ever give up? - Not when it comes to somebody refusing to have sex with me.
- You know, consensually or whatever.
- Hmm.
So me and you, one on one, loser has to do whatever the winner says.
- Lf I win I want you to leave me alone.
- Fine.
But if I win we go to your place and have, you know gay sex.
- Have you ever played jai alai? Uh, actually, lacrosse.
But it's jai alai for white people.
- Lacrosse is gay.
- You're gay.
I mean, I am too.
- We're both gay.
- Seriously, I can serve this pelota almost two hundred miles an hour.
- Big whoop, that little squishy - Jesus, is this made of limestone? - It's a dangerous game.
Yeah? Well, I'm dangerous.
And I'm gonna win.
- And gay sex.
- Okay.
- Go stand over there.
- Where, over here? - Mm, little more far.
- What, here? - Is this? - Sí, sí.
That's good, right there.
That's what you're gonna be saying when I'm, uh, all inside you with gay sex.
- Are you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
- Wait, do I need a helmet? - Probably.
Wait, what? I mean, after all you are playing a very dangerous game Sterling Archer of ISIS.
There he is.
Welcome back, amigo.
Jesus Christ, who apparently uses the same awful decorator as my mother.
Trust me, whoever decorated this condo is not in heaven.
And neither are you Agent Sterling Archer of ISIS.
- Wait, you know who I am? Duh and or hola.
- So you know why I'm here.
- I assume because your mother forced you to pose as a gay man, in hopes of catching me in a, how you say pot of honey.
- Yeah, which is just so classic her.
- Oh, you should meet my mother.
She - No, no, no, shut up, listen.
My mother - Oh, my God, that's her.
- Dios mío.
It's her.
L I can't believe we hung up on them.
- That was so thoroughly awesome, Ramón.
- This is awesome.
- Here, try it.
- No.
Whoa, whoa.
- It's raw, man.
- No, the citric acid from the limes actually cooks the fish.
Try it.
Mm! - Oh, my, Ramón, that is amazing.
- Right? Mama always said: Mine always said: "Sterling, come in here and check me for lumps.
" - Holy shit, was that out loud? - It's okay.
This is a safe place.
- Yeah, but it's not, though.
- Are you referring to these? - Ha.
You found Krieger's cameras? - I think he is not so good at his job.
Danny! Dude, that whole agency's not so good at their jobs.
God, when do I get to the end so I can see what Cyril said? - You don't think that's hot? - I seriously think you're scary.
No, no, no, like, a big sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk.
You think, he's gonna give me mouth-to-mouth.
But instead he just starts choking the shit out of you and the last sensation that you feel before you die is he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big wet blob of drool drips off his teeth and just: "Blurp!" Falls right onto your popped-out eyeball.
- Jesus Christ.
- I know, right? - What the hell? - I'm wet just thinking about it.
Cyril? Cyril, you get your ass out here right now.
Is she freaking cause Cyril said he wanted to bang Danny? No, it's cause he said he wanted to marry her.
She's so weird.
Hey, will you choke me a little bit? Pfft.
That's nothing compared to the pendejos I have to work with.
- You haven't banged half of them like yours truly.
- I can't.
If Fidel found out I'm gay, he'd - Well, that's why you're here.
- And maybe it's the concussion but I seriously feel crappy about that.
- No.
I feel crappy.
I should not have tried to blackmail your mother.
Yeah, what's on this thing anyway? Get on the floor, you tacky-ass, white-after-Labor-Day-wearing bitches.
Thank you.
- Charles and Rudi? What the? - What is the meaning of this? - Sorry.
We're a hit squad.
Turns out Fidel is unhappy that one of his top agents is gay.
Ay, dios mío! Hey.
Save your breath for cooling your ceviche.
- Ceviche is already cold.
- I know.
You dicks were working for Castro this whole time? Positutely, yes.
But we were having such a blast hanging with Woodhouse - Who's fine by the way.
- I'm genuinely sorry about this.
- But may I can keep the clothes? Forever and always.
- Not that you care.
- Yeah, I actually don't.
- So are you two even really gay? - As big old tangerines, yes.
Then how can you work for Castro? You know his stance on homosexuality.
Because, commie, I have something called a mortgage.
Hey, whoa, if this is about money, I know somebody who'd pay a whole lot of money to get this back.
- Sterling, no.
- Hey, Ramón, shut up.
- Let the mummy talk.
- I can't let you do this.
What the? - You'll never take me alive, bastardos.
Let's outsource it to some cracked-up Haitians that's what I said.
You know why? So you could be all Little Miss "Hindsight's 20-20.
" - Here, take this.
- Why did you have a salad gun? - Ah, I was going to kill you.
- Oh, you are just the worst kind of Me? Your mother started all of this.
So give them the freaking disk If I do that it will become public.
And if you see what's on this disk - Well if you weren't gay, you will be.
- Ha, ha! Well, what is it? A sex tape of Mother? - Ahem.
- Oh, my But there, you see.
It's gone.
So it's okay, just let it all Jesus, God, do you ladies want to put on your nightgowns crack open a tube of cookie dough and talk? Goddamn it, we're dealing with some profound issues here you queer.
- What the hell, man? Sorry, I meant homosexual person.
No, you idiota.
We have a finite number of bullets.
- Oh, my bad.
- Oh, my bad.
- Ha, ha.
Now who feels stupid? - My guess is both of you.
Since the last thing you see is gonna be that horrific sofa.
Shut up, I bet you're not even a real interior decorator.
Well, he's not licensed or anything, but he's got a real flair for it.
- Thank you.
- So how about stand up and let us paint the walls with your brains.
- Here, take this.
Jesus, Ramón, a Claymore? - I can explain.
- You were gonna frag me? No.
This was for decorating.
What, look at this place.
- I was going to have to start from scratch.
- The kitchen's not bad.
Oh, God, are you kidding? That kitchen is awful Oh, crap.
No, thank you.
Ramón, was that not totally epic? Sí, Sterling.
Because you lived to tell the tale.
No, no, no, because my mother's condo got trashed.
God, she is gonna freak when Wait, where's Charles and Rudi? Hmm.
I think they must have escaped, however implausible that may seem.
That does seem implausible.
And so, I must now go into hiding.
Fidel will keep sending hit squads and he will not stop until I am dead.
- So, what, just a life on the run? Sí, just like el Doctor David Banner.
- How do you say "The Hulk" in Spanish? - El Hulk.
- Gay.
- What? - We don't have a word for "Hulk.
" - Do you have a word for "gay?" - Gay.
- Gayer! Jesus, Spanish, our jobs aren't enough.
- Now you got to take our words? - Sterling.
I didn't mean that, it was racist.
And even though you were gonna shoot and or frag me I feel like we had kind of a connection.
I'm sad because we had a connection, and now And now I feel like a dick so come on.
- Let me turn that frown upside down.
- How? Well, the bedroom was untouched by the explosion.
- I'm listening.
- So let's blow the shit out of it.
I thought you meant you wanted to - Ramón.
- And just why is that so funny? Not that.
He's all tied up somewhere.
Scared Scared and alone.
Probably dehydrated.