Archer s01e09 Episode Script

Job Offer

Because this is what was there, Lana! There, where? Outside a clown college? - They have those here? - I don't know! Archer, look out! - We'll never catch him! - You should have thought about that before you blew the damn drop! - I blew jack shit! - Name dropper.
And if you weren't so busy trying to bang that waitress you'd have noticed that ODIN had agents in play! She was the hostess! If you weren't blinded by jealousy - Yes, I'm jealous.
- First step's admitting it.
Jealous that ODIN's gonna beat us again thanks to your epic poon-houndery! - First of all - Oh! Oh, my God.
- Great, good job.
Shut up! ODIN doesn't beat Sterling Archer.
Only Sterling Archer beats Did you wanna finish that? Did you wanna finish shutting your big fat, negative-wordsy mouth? Whose fat mouth told the stupid waitress he was an ISIS agent? Hostess.
And I had a plan.
- What, to get laid in the walk-in? - Also.
Because I'm not an ant, Lana.
- I happen to see the big picture.
- Oh, really? Well, then where's Kasparov? Okay, that was a fluke.
Ha, ha.
Yeah, a fluke of nature.
Because I happen to have perfect situational awareness, Lana.
- Archer.
- Which cannot be taught, by the way.
- Like a poet's mind for - Archer.
- Archer! - To make the perfect word.
- Archer! - Goddamn it, I'm relishing the - Ow.
Way to go, Lana.
Nice warning.
- Nice relishing.
- Oh.
Think that was ODIN? - No, it's only you that beats you, buddy.
Hey, gang.
Gee, thanks for helping us catch Kasparov.
- ODIN appreciates the assist.
And if you ever get tired of playing JV ball you know where to find us.
- Oh, yeah, uh, where's that? Um, dick town? Ha, ha.
Jesus, even their cards are nice.
Lana, look at this.
It's embossed.
Oh, okay.
Then, I guess, just pout.
- That was the mayor of Paris - Name dropper.
- Who was just as eager as I am to know why ISIS agents were terrorizing Paris! - So I crashed a few cop cars ran over a few mimes! So I don't play by the rules, Mother, but I get results! Well, as long as you got Kasparov.
Oh, uh, yeah, about that That's why she can't have nice things.
- Either that or I steal them.
What? - Hm? What's that? Hm? What do you want? I'm a little busy for chitchat.
- Busy trying to turn that thing on? - Look at this! - O-N.
- Well, just keep at it.
- You're not my supervisor! I'm sorry, what? He sort of offered me a job at ODIN.
- Barry Dillon? - Uh Barry "We have this whole huge history together" Dillon? We don't have this whole huge history.
- Oh.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, yeah, right.
Pretty sweet, huh? Using a mirror to reflect the laser beam back into the laser? - Oh, my God! - Yeah, sorry, it took so long.
- And that I'm accidentally inside you.
- Not a problem.
- But - I just wanna keep my options open! So you can't breathe a word of this to Malory.
You know how she gets.
ODIN? - Well, since I'm not appreciated here What's to appreciate? Exactly! That's indicative of your whole attitude, Mother! Sterling Malory Archer, you are of course free to pursue your options.
- My Wait, hang on.
And if ODIN made you a better offer, what kind of mother would I be if I stood in the way of your happiness? Uh Wait, what just happened here? Fine! She thinks I won't go? Well, guess what! - I don't need her! - I, however, do need your keycard.
Yeah, hi, Barry Dillon please? Yes, I'll hold! Oh, and just wait till I get to ODIN.
I will.
Keycard? - Oh.
Here! God! - They are the stuff-throwingest family.
Okay, so after I call your vase guy Freeze every one of his accounts! And then get me Woodhouse.
And we'll just see how tough Sterling is when he can't suckle at my teat! - Ugh.
Woodhouse, she froze my accounts and I need to get in my safe, so open the goddamn door already! I'm afraid I can't since ISIS actually pays the rent on the Aah! Damn it! When did we get a bulletproof door? After the Popeye incident, sir.
Oh, right.
Wait, so you kick me out of my own house? Yes, sir.
Although it pains me dearly.
I'm gonna pain you dearly, Woodhouse! When I peel all your skin off with a flensing knife, sew it into Woodhouse pajamas and then set those pajamas on fire! - Hello? - It's just you and me now, Reggie.
So be a lad, put on some Mingus.
Hi, Barry Dillon, please? Yes, it's Sterling Archer Oh.
Yes, I'll hold! Oh, come on! We've got Ml6 in the semis on Sunday and I am slicing it like a butcher.
- Just keep at it.
- I think it's this new grip.
- So listen.
Remember how you wanted me to float that job offer to Lana Kane? - Love her, yeah.
When does she start? - Right? That's the thing.
See, I think Sterling Archer thought I was talking to him.
- Archer? You're kidding! I wish.
I mean, obviously the guy's great in the field.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Well, you would know.
- Now, see.
Why do you do that? Why do you softball them in like that? - I'm sorry, how's the leg? - Hurts when it rains.
And when I think about Archer, and so I blew him off.
No, no, no, Barry, you blow him on! - "On" as in hire him? As in here? - Yes! It'll drive his mother crazy.
Gotta be the grip.
And you froze all of Sterling's accounts? - Domestic and foreign? - Even the one on the Isle of Man.
Oh, my God, is that, like, Whore Island for women? - No.
- Then you just watch, in no time he'll be begging me to take him back.
- He hasn't called, has he? - No.
How you holding up, Mama Bird? Well, except for your grossly over-familiar tone, I couldn't be happier.
- Even if Mr.
Archer gets a job at ODIN? - Oh, please.
ODIN won't hire him.
After the stunt he pulled in Berlin? Well, whose fault is that, Barry? Yours.
You bust in, shoot two good double agents And you think an appropriate response is to ruin my suit? - Oh, and my shirt.
- I'm sorry.
So will you please just help me up? - No.
- For which I am pretty genuinely sorry.
Nothing two steel rods and 16 titanium screws couldn't fix.
- Come on, don't be shitty.
- Yeah, Barry.
- It's water under the bridge.
- Yeah, Barry.
- Because he's part of the family now.
- So go put his stuff in his office.
- Yeah, Barry.
Barry, hi.
So I was wondering if your tempting offer was still open.
No, you silly man.
About the job.
No, just keeping my options open.
Definitely come in.
I mean, we did kind of fill the position but I don't know if it's gonna be a good fit.
I just don't see why you need this.
Because this is a huge opportunity for me and I need to feel confident.
In the interview? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, that looks great.
Yeah, it feels pretty good.
- So come on already, take a cut.
- What, like, out the window? Don't worry about it.
I get a deal on those, 90 cents a ball.
Um, okay.
God, you're a natural.
- Bet it's all that lacrosse at boarding school.
- Yeah, 13 years' worth.
Thirteen years? What, she ship you off in kindergarten? - Ahem.
Gosh, that must've been tough.
- No, l I loved it.
Um Made a lot of good friends.
Family, almost, is what they were.
Speaking of, how's your mother taking all this? Oh, please, I bet she doesn't even miss me.
Because he'll be back, crying for his mommy.
Just like that Christmas break when I moved and forgot to give my new address to his stupid boarding school.
I mean, he rode the train into the city all by himself.
He couldn't pick up a phone book? Nine years old, and bawling in that police station like a little girl.
- Ha! What's that tell you? - Kind of a lot, actually.
Oh, shut up.
I bet you're barren.
- My God.
On Christmas? - Well, Christmas Eve, technically.
Well, the lovely Framboise from HR has some paperwork for you to sign.
So why don't you follow her on down to your big new corner office.
- Okay.
Where the sofa is soaked in Scotchgard.
- It, uh - lf you know what I mean.
- Yeah, I think I do.
- It's resistant to stains.
- Right, right, I got it.
- Super.
Because we're one big family.
- Why do you make that sound? - Gee, let's see.
You're off to interview with ODIN home of Barry "Oh, I forgot to mention the naked laser thing" Dillon.
ODIN isn't some co-ed freshman dorm where everyone runs around screwing.
I'm sorry, Framboise, it's not you.
I mean, it's not me, either, obviously.
But in the office - You don't sex on the women at ISIS? - Constantly, but you know, it's not allowed.
It's probably illegal.
- But here - Here we are one big famille.
Yeah, and the, uh, famille thing actually makes this borderline creepy.
- Perhaps if you tried it from behind? - Yeah, let's try that.
Don't get any on that snappy suit.
Don't you have better things to do than mince around and gawk? About a million.
But Cheryl was scared to come in here so I took time out of my busy mincing schedule to tell you that you have a phone call.
- Is it Sterling? - I am sure I don't know.
- Do you know you're a little bitch? - Will you remember this conversation? - Probably not, no.
- Well, then **** off.
Whoa, whoa with the language.
You kiss your mother with that mouth? You leave Bub out of this.
And how dare you steal my son away from me? - Steal him? You cut him loose.
- You cut him loose! - What? - I want you to fire him, this instant.
No, no, I can't do that.
He's happy here, he's making new friends.
- Goddamn it, Archer! - What, Barry? I said don't come in here.
Framboise, what'd I say? - He said do not come in.
- Yeah, Barry.
- I don't care if he's happy.
- That's obvious.
- Meaning what, exactly? - Meaning, who leaves a 9-year-old kid in a police station on Christmas? - Eve.
- And he told you about that? - Oh, we've had such great talks.
- Fire him! - Join him.
Come work for me.
- Have you lost your mind? - Every time I see you.
- Fire him.
- Can't do it.
Can't or won't? - Either? - Fine.
Then go check your Telex.
- Oh, my God.
A burn notice? Look at that.
"ISIS disavows Agent Sterling Archer, a.
" - Man, she loved that dog - "Who is to be considered an unreliable asset and security risk.
" Oh, it must have killed her to do this.
- Ha, ha.
And I'm smirking.
- No, you don't smirk at a mother's suffering, Barry, you asshole! Ow! It's just, with the shattered femur, and the gunshot wound and I don't know if you knew this, but Framboise and I were kind of engaged.
- I did not know that.
- Yeah.
- And I served her up like a pudding.
- Barry.
- Well, engaged to be engaged.
Ow! Ass.
If you love it, put a ring on it.
Okay, so you go fix this.
You know, I'm not even sure I want to now.
- She was obviously into him.
Mother - Ass.
- Not Framboise.
- The burn notice? His mother just sent that to To every agency on the planet.
Look: CIA, Ml6, Interpol.
- We can't keep him now, Barry.
- Oh.
So So you take him to the basement, you put one in his ear.
- Can you do that? - Oh, my God.
- That Framboise is a freak, huh? - Yeah.
Yeah, I can do that.
No, as a matter of fact I don't have Barry on speed dial.
Well, that's rather surprising.
Know what's surprising? Kissing you at the airport dozing off in first class, then seeing you on my flight when I get up to pee! - That, to me, is rather surprising.
- And really expensive, turns out.
- Just - Ha, ha.
I mean, I don't wanna sound like a jerk but that Framboise chick must have been a prostitute before she got this gig.
- In, like, Bangkok.
- Ahem.
I was almost embarrassed for her.
- Where we going? - We are heading down to sub-basement three.
- Is there a shower? Because I bet I just, like, reek of her.
- One second.
- Oh, Barry, you getting that? - Really? - I'm brushing it your way, Barry.
No, I'm actually at the lobby right now.
Two seconds.
- So wait, where are we on that shower? - Head on back up to your office.
There's actually a private bathroom in there.
Oh, good.
Because, like I said, I bet I just reek.
Yeah, you've mentioned that.
Baby, I am putting you in the corner where you will sit quietly.
- Hey, you.
- Hey, you.
- And who are you? Cyril Figgis, ISIS comptroller and And very eager to sit here quietly in the corner because he is so tired.
Um, so I'll just be here, then? - Yeah? - Yeah.
No, no, no! Who put out a burn notice on Sterling? - That would be you.
- What? - Ha-ha-ha.
Holy shit, the look on your face.
- But I would never.
Not in a million Get a mirror.
- Oh, dear God, did I drink absinthe? - That bottle and most of this one.
- Until we wrestled it away from you.
Because you don't know how to share, beyotch.
- Easy, tough guy.
- I don't remember any of that.
Absinthe makes me black out.
All right, you yellow sons of bitches.
Let's dance.
- It also makes you incredibly mean.
- And ugly.
- Seriously.
Danger zone.
- Beyotch.
- Well, don't just sit there.
Undo this.
- Ooh.
- "Ooh" what? - We can't, Ms.
It's too late.
- I'm sorry, so, what are you saying? - I, uh - Can you not give me a minute? - No.
You fire me, I take my things.
Take all the things! Here, take this! Go staple my heart back together! How am I the bad guy in this? - So, Barry.
- Huh? That was Framboise, our head of HR.
- With whom I guess I won't be meeting? - No, she's gone.
And so, remember how I said we'd just hired someone? - Yes.
- And so remember Sterling Archer? Wait, wait, wait, Lana.
Barry, if you touch me, I swear to God I will put you in the ground.
That was before his mother put out a burn notice on him.
What? Malory burned Archer? - Worldwide.
- Holy shit.
- Yeah, so he's gone.
- Already? Like, literally gone? Oh, my God.
I liked her better mean.
He's gone.
I killed my baby boy and now my baby is gone! - Oh, now, you can always - Always what? Well, I was gonna say you can have another baby but you're all dried up in there.
No, no, no, like, figuratively gone.
Unlike Framboise whose car should be blowing up any minute.
- Oh! Ooh-la-la! Uh May I help you avec your box? - So Archer's still here? - Yeah, he's in that corner office.
And once Facilities cleans his brains out of it it can be your office.
- Really? I don't think the cleaning staff does brains.
I mean, you shoot him and I get an office overlooking the Champs-Elysées? - And the bank where you'll drive your new company car to deposit your insane paychecks and maybe, if you stand on those tiptoes, your huge apartment.
- Huge as in? - As in you won't see your live-in servants unless you really want to.
Let me go shoot this prick.
- Wait.
Let me do it.
- Really? - Because I would kind of love to.
- Not as much as I would.
- You guys kind of have a history, huh? - Yeah, you could say that.
- Knock yourself out.
- These servants, if I did see them would they curtsy meekly? - Heh.
Well, otherwise, what's the point? Archer! Come on.
Lana, why the hell are? Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lana, no! Barry, does this make up for Framboise? It does, Other Barry, it sure does.
Barry? I guess, go ahead and call Facilities or whatever.
Because there is lamp everywhere.
- God, Lana! Get on with your life already! - Oh! - Telex.
You got one in here? - Why, so you can smash that too? - No.
- I'm pretty sure I'm financially responsible for the furnishings.
- So I can send a telex from ODIN to make the burn notice from your mother look like an ODIN black flag.
- Mother burned me? - Apparently.
Oh, my God, that's classic her.
You're both classic her.
Shut up, get dressed and grab the keys to that car.
We've got about two minutes before some ODIN dick sees this and seals the exits.
Any way we can bump that to five? - I need a shower.
- Archer! Okay, God.
Climb down off that rag.
Oh, my God, looks like Jonestown in here.
Yes, Pam.
Get me some poison.
Because I am already dead inside.
Too dead inside to read good news? - Is it my obituary? - Well, it's not that good.
Give me that, you oaf! "All agencies disregard ISIS burn notice on Agent Archer a.
" An ODIN black flag operation! Pam, he's alive.
My Sterling is alive.
And look at happy little Mama Bird.
Well, the blowback on ODIN for this will be huge.
- And I saw it coming.
I knew it.
- Uh-huh.
Just like I knew Sterling would come crying back to mommy wiping his snotty nose on his sleeve like a scared little boy on Christmas.
- Uh-huh.
It was only Christmas Eve.
- I know.
Good to have you back.
And? - And? - And do you just plan to loom over me all day, like some sort of henge? - Okay.
Well, you see? This is why.
This is why we can't have nice things.
Barry, you asshole! - How am I the bad guy in this? - Because I wanted this, Archer.
I'm sick of you getting the best assignments just because your mother is the boss.
Do you know what that's like? - Besides awesome? - Oh! - Hang on, I think my car's on P-2.
- Well, I have to get Cyril, who's on - Framboise, hello.
- Hello.
Oh, man.
That's bad.
Yes, now.
Let's talk this out.
Talk what out? How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN? Or, ooh, maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls-deep in some French chick.
- Ex-boyfriend, I bet.
- You think? - Yeah, he's not coming back.
That chick was like the Pele of anal.
- Archer? - Sorry, I know this is tough.
I mean, Cyril, whatever, but your feelings for me are obviously conflicted You're right, Archer, I am conflicted.
Because if I had shot you in the face, I'd be living here.
- Getting curtsied at by servants.
- Yeah, but you couldn't do it.
Maybe we both belong at ISIS, you know? - Maybe that's our real home.
- That's what Mother said about boarding school.
And really, sorry about Cyril.
- Me too.
- Even if you brought it on yourself.
- Excuse me? - Oh, come on, I don't recall ever seeing a welcome mat at your back door.
- Archer.
But wait, would that cheer you up? Me and you, a little revenge-anal? - Archer? - Yes? - You wearing a seatbelt? - Uh, no, why? So, uh, is that a yes, or a maybe, or? What? Oh, okay.
Then, I guess, just pout.

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