Archer s02e03 Episode Script

Blood Test

What do you even do here? Sit on your ass and analyze data? I'm a field agent, Isaac Newton, I risk my life, so yeah I do deserve the best space in the parking garage.
Like it would kill you to roll 50 feet.
Stupid thing's electric.
Archer, I still haven't got those TNE reports you promised.
Are you sure? You didn't eat them? Yeah, well, since Lana broke up with me I've been finding solace in food.
Well, keep your chins up Cyril.
All eleven of them.
Cyril's about half a rack, huh? Yeah, so why do you pick on him? I, oh, was that a rhetorical? And why are you bleaching everything? Ugh because it sneezed out here! Okay.
And is mother in? - Oh, she's in there, all right, - And they're expecting you.
Thanks, crazy.
Who's they? Hello, Archer.
Trinette?! Why are you here? You don't call me for a year, and that's how you talk to me?! Yes, dear.
Where are your manners? Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I skipped the Emily post chapter about how to introduce your mother to a hooker! Escort! Ya puke.
And I'm retired.
Yeah? Your 401k doing that well? I have a sep, smartass! Oh, and this.
So I ain't worried about gettin' by.
What is Why, is this a subpoena? It's for the paternity test.
The what?! Yes, "the what," dear And "the who.
" What who?! Who is that?! Why, this is Seamus McGoon Sterling.
No, Seamus Sterling McGoon Archer.
And why is that "who" named like me?! Why do ya think? I'm asking you why! Because he's your son.
You colossal idiot.
Why? Why didn't you just get the vasectomy like I ask you to? - Honestly, I thought it would hurt.
- And this doesn't? - It-it's apples and oranges.
- I'm not ready to be a grandmother.
- Really? But you're so Grandmother-ly? No Old.
If and when I am ready for a grandchild it won't be the potato face spawn - of some Irish whore! - Exactly.
It's probably not! I mean, seriously, what're the odds on that? - So she had a lot of Ugh - You kidding? I used to have to book her weeks in advance.
- Although - Although what? Um whew! Wow, Trinette, that was amazing.
Yeah, that Wh-?! Wait a minute! You liar! This ain't a condom wrapper, it's from a frickin' candy bar! So? Sometimes I like to treat myself.
Well, sometimes I like to ovulate! Well, I gotta sleep, so do it somewhere else.
Money's on the dresser.
Nothing.
Hundred-to-one, he's mine.
Well, he better not be! My God, I couldn't bear the shame it would bring on this - family to have um - No.
Please, mother, finish that thought! Oh my God, you're such a hypocrite! You were gonna say "illegitimate child"! No, I was going to say "bastard.
" Ouch.
I mean, that's gotta hurt, huh? Why should I care if Archer knocked up some dumb hooker? Because babies are soft-skulled, fat little germsacks, and now we've all been exposed to that one's bacteria! What? Don't engage her.
But c'mon, Lana, you dated Mr.
Archer forever and And you have nothing to show for it.
Paging doctor Loggins.
Couple things One, I don't need a baby to validate my existence.
Two, the absolute last person on earth I'd have a baby with is Archer, because he is not sold separately.
Did you try Yeah, I'll come over, mother.
Just gimme 20 minutes.
Well, I'm sorry, Lana! But I didn't invent the childproof pill bottle! So as far as Archer's concerned, I actually feel like I dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet.
Yeah, but Cyril was Oh, wait! Did he have some sort of character flaw? Hello, hello, hello! Couple things - Yeah, we are code blue here - Hey, yeah, blue! Like for baby boys! - No, I meant like for her face, but - No, like for let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus! Oh, my God, yes.
But you're place is disgusting, so where can we have it? Well, Archer's got that bangin' pad.
Ooh, he'll hate that! I wanna come! Ooh, I think I just did And, so, thank you both for coming.
Even though, Mr.
Archer is the only party named in the subpoena.
Well, we both have invested interest in the outcome of this silly test.
And said test will, obviously, be administered by a third party, so A third party?! But we have a state-of-the-art laboratory at ISIS! Normally, I wouldn't let an intern do this on his first day but Chet? How's it hanging, buddy? I'm sure you do.
But our client has concerns about the integrity of the test results, given your agency's clandestine nature.
Oh, and by the way, super-crazy about that elevator pretending it's a dryer.
Barry? But all kidding aside, ODIN will be providing security for the paternity test.
- Odin?! - Oh, yeah.
Hello, Archer.
Barry.
- How's it hanging, buddy? - Hanging great, Barry.
How's the leg? Barry, does it hurt? Cause it looks like it kinda hurts.
It did hurt, and it still does, so So how can Trinette afford ODIN?! This is pro Bono.
Consider it payback for my shattered femur.
And that reminds me doctor Ben? Wh-?! And what the hell is this?! We take a blood sample from Archer My God? What year is this?! I know, right?! Why can't you just take a DNA swab?! A blood sample is enough to determine paternity.
And after we take a liter A liter?! How much is a Owww! Archer will be left in a weakened state, which should prevent his attempting to compromise the test.
Turtlenecks, I invented those.
You're bleeding him dry! Ser'sly, Barry, how much is a liter? About 8 gills.
What's a gill? You're just talkin' in circles.
Thanks doctor Ben.
Next! Under ODIN guard, the sample is taken to the vault of First Savings Bank.
I don't know why I told you where, but it doesn't matter, as the bank and vault will be surrounded by ODIN agents.
Merely an added precaution, as the vault is basically one big shitstorm of anti-intrusion devices.
Tomorrow, in full view of both parties, we will test the sample here, along with a blood sample from wee baby Seamus, thus ensuring complete accuracy of the paternity test.
Any questions? Yeah, Barry I'm still unclear on the liter thing? Vis-a-vis, uh, unit of volume I seriously don't feel good at all.
That's because those ODIN ghouls drained a fifth of your blood.
Oh hey, speaking of fifth A drink's the last thing you need! Well, you might want one too, cause Pretty decent chance the baby's mine.
What?! What happened to a hundred-to-one?! I may have uh, massaged that number.
How can I show my face around town if Trudy Beekman will eat me alive for this! Decent chance.
Oh, oh, oh, and I can just forget all about getting on the board at the met! The museum or the opera? Either! Sterling Malory Archer, you are going to break in that vault and replace your blood with someone else's! Someone else's blood.
Yeah, great, I'll just have Igor bring a villager up to my castle.
Oh, Igor! Yeesss? Oh, evening sir.
Hello, mum! Woodhouse, what the hell is this?! It's a baby shower! What's it look like, ya puke? Ugh.
I think I could use a drink.
Sterling? Pick a villager.
Why did you let them in my house?! Because I told you to buy lemon curd, Woodhouse! Now what am I gonna spread on my toast? Your tears?! They just sort of barged in, sir Uh-huh.
And why are you barefoot?! Oh, you guys, it's so sweet.
I made that! It was gonna be a ham cozy, but then I was like "eh.
" So.
Well, he can use it as a blankie.
And eww.
What is this, homemade salad dressing? Breast milk.
I have my own.
So you won't need this.
It's some plastic dry cleaner bags.
Oh, and a book about SIDS.
Wh-?! What kinda shit gift is that?! Yeah, right? I made mine.
Me too! That's disgusting.
If I wanted to look at your bare feet, I'd sneak in and do it while you were asleep! Well? Have you picked out a donor? Yeah.
I dunno if it's the blood loss or what, but this whole thing feels Pretty stupid, Archer.
Getting a hooker pregnant? Yikes.
Cyril Oh, sorry, Ms.
Archer.
I'm sure the board at the met will frown on this.
I'm sure I don't care for your tone.
Well, I don't care to be judged by a couple of Lousy hooker-baby havers! You were saying? You get him drunk, I'll go to the drugstore and get some supplies.
But you said I could hold him you've been holding him and you've been drinking and yer hands are so damn big! Don't wantcha to, um, crush him.
No, but I'm gentle, I'm soft, give her the rabbit, Lenny.
Okay.
Thank Wow, somebody's got a full diaper, huh? Ugh.
And after that falafel, I am right behind him Did you see me? Holding the baby? Looked like Tyson holding that dove.
Listen, bitch Ah! Careful, 'cause, in about three drinks, you're gonna get all boohooey, ask me to pump a baby into you.
Wh-?! No, you guys should totally do that! The mochachino ones are the cutest! Guess he'd be half-gay too, though So can you say best dancer ever?! No! Thank you, but I don't care for any! Cyril, it's a toast.
Don't be rude.
No! Alcohol tends to exacerbate an underlying Personality disorder! Sexual addiction's not a real thing, asshole! Well, just wait'll the new DSM comes out! Then we'll see! We'll see you still being an asshole! So, uh have you ever thought about having a baby? I dunno.
Sometimes I think, ya know, I'd like to adopt a little baby So I could abandon it at the mall.
That answers my follow-up question.
Cyril, you're insulting me.
A toast! And what is it to toast about about, anyway?! How bout that "upper decker" I just left in the master bath? C'mon, Ray.
Sploosh, called it, three drinks ago.
C'mon, we both have amazing genes Nobody's arguing we're both hot, but Ray, you can do it! And I can watch! The door.
Like a lookout, so nobody sees ya doin' the dirt.
Oh, and also here's to child support! See ya around, Cyril.
And I'll see you at the lawyer's office, granny.
Toast, damn you! No! Toast! Jeezy petes, with you people! Well, at least I'm not a sex addict! And cue the collective sigh of relief.
Oh, shut up.
Hey, I just ran all the way to the drugstore a liter low on blood, so I am in no mood.
Oh, and I am? Cyril won't drink, so we'll have to find another way to Woodhouse, dear? Yes, mum? I assume you're holding? Holding? Er, why, just this tray of Don't bullshit me, you old dope fiend! After that scrape I got you out of?! Let's liven things up, Burroughs Five grams of junk says I can shoot a piƱa colada off your wife's head! my stomach's never been the same! I shall fetch my gear What the hell was that?! Who knows? I didn't have a sip of water the entire time I was down there.
No! Maybe it was an ice cube Woodhouse! He's a heroin addict?! Oh, listen to you, mister judgy! Now, go lure Cyril into the bathroom so we can drain his stupid blood.
Cyril, you are not to blame.
You are merely a victim of sexual addiction.
Cyril, you are not to blame.
Preaching to the choir, buddy.
And what's that supposed to mean?! It means, I understand, because I, too, suffer from sexual addiction.
Oh, you're just a, dirty stomp-around.
That's what society calls it! But you know how it is to be surrounded by women! Yes! Prancing around in their stirrup pants.
Crotchless panties.
I didn't know they had those.
Pretty sexy.
I have to take care of something! Medicine cabinet, Cyril, top left! Big bottle of coconut suntan oil! Man, I probably shouldn't be drinking this low on blood.
Whur you doona me? I brained him with the absinthe bottle.
Why? What was I to do, say "take a load off while we pump you full of heroin"? But if he was already knocked out?! Dear God, that was my entire stash! Going to be an itchy weekend Serves you right, smacky brown.
God, how are you even still alive? Holy shit, how am I still alive?! Eight gills is way more than I thought.
That's why you're so woozy.
Yeah, that, plus all those melon balls.
Had about nine of them.
Why the hell were you drinking?! Uh, hello?! It's a party?! It's a baby shower! For the bastard child you humped into a filthy whore! So I'm obviously not saying now, but one of these days, you are gonna make just the best grandma ever.
Oh my God These ODIN dicks Hey, where'd ya get your turtleneck? The turtleneck store? Wow, definitely missing that blood.
But maybe if I drank some of Cyril's blood, I'd Wait, what am I saying? I don't even know his blood type.
But I do know a liter of melon balls can't replace a liter of blood.
Because I'm kinda drunk for this oh nuts.
Fantastic.
What.
What're ya doin? Oh, ya know, just Livin the dream Lana.
Yeah? Well, I'm goin through yer stuff.
Why are you still in my house?! Eh, there's still a few stragglers here, tryna keep the party goin Cyril.
Hey, you awake? Cause this is about to get weird.
Ants! Oh! Oh! So shut up and help me find the nutmeg, and I'll make you some Malcolm x tea! And ya know what's frickin lame? Phased-plasma laser countermeasures? No, what's lame is you told me a jillion times ya never wanted kids, so I move on with my life, and then bam you drill one into a hooker.
Uh, it wasn't exactly planned, Lana.
Shut up.
But didja ever think about you and me, ya know, having a baby? No, not I mean, maybe that one time, when we had that little scare Wh-?! Is that a frickin candy bar?! Yeah, but think you need the calories? You are such a prick.
Who dragged out all this old crap?! Why are you and mother in my room, going through my things?! Because I'll save you some time My diary's by the Barbie playhouse, and the key's in a locket on Mr.
Teddy! My God, I haven't seen this junk in Look at that, his little baby shoes.
Can not picture him as a baby.
Ya know? I just see an adult him, but tiny.
Like a little Archer G.
I.
Joe.
You want me to freshen that up? Mm Try not to drown it.
Aww, his little christening gown Pam! You Get off Cyril! I was tryin to get him off! *** Out! Out, just get straight on out! Aw, c'mon! Cyril came on to me! Oh shut up! He's totally passed out! Really Hey, Cyril.
How's it hanging, buddy? His first pair of lacrosse cleats His first smoking jacket and, oh my His first black turtleneck! I can't believe Lana and mother.
No respect for people's privacy.
White ass daddy! Shit's tight, huh? Yo Where you at, mama? And why're you calling me right now?! I had to, before it's too late! I What?! I don't want you to do it, Sterling! What? I know you didn't plan on this baby, but Sterling, sometimes the unexpected things can turn out to be the most important things in the whole world! Wow, you sound shitfaced.
Oh, listen to you! Mr.
melon balls! And the yes, maybe I've had a few.
And even though I was not always mother of the year, I can change! And you can change, and maybe together we could add up to one good parent for this baby.
.
But I'm, like, right here And I'm right here for both of you.
Mother, I'm not sure I'm ready.
Sterling, no one's ever sure they're ready for a child.
That's why it's scary, and that's why it's so special.
So, please, dear, do the right thing.
God, the one time in my life she acts like a human being, and it's now? Was it when I wanted a puppy? No! Was it when I wanted cornrows? No! But maybe she's right I mean, the kid's cool, and I'm obviously awesome, so Maybe I would be a good father.
Ya know, at some point in the future.
Waaaagh! Waaaagh! Aww, you're okay, taterhead.
They only took a little bit of blood.
Yeah, quit being such a baby.
You quit bein such a baby! You prick! Shut up! They took a liter from me! And as the 24 hours of uninterrupted vault footage shows, said liter was never except for those nine frames of static there out of sight of ODIN personnel.
We get it.
Let's move on, Barry.
And since you all witnessed the blood sample being taken from the wee baby Seamus I hereby cede any and all rights to ever contest the results of this paternity test.
Move on, Barry! And, so, said test results conclude Exciting, isn't it? Not really, because it's gonna say that Archer is, in fact, the father! What?! Wait a minute! No, that's Probably the most expensive candy bar you ever ate, ya dunce! Really super expensive.
That's a schedule for child support payments? First of the month works best for us.
No, wait! Somebody coulda broken in the vault! C'mon, nine frames is a glitch! Because even if somebody did break into that vault, no one No one, Archer could ever prove it.
But And who'd even want to? Not a handsome, blond, cripple like me.
So, kudos, buddy! Let's go drink some kudos! Yeah, let's do that! Clink, clink! I don't understand how this happened.
Well, from what I can tell, it had something to do with disgustingly kinky sex and a candy bar, but A candy bar? Mother! I am not the father.
It was Cyril? That thing is huge.
I mean how did you even get you sonuva snack-eatin-ass bitch! I'm sorry! How can you cheat on Lana bareback?! I'm a sex addict! That's not even a real thing! And the guilt from sex makes me binge, then I feel fat, then I turn to sex to feel attractive again, then it's just this vicious cycle! Shitass.
Don't you see?! The wee baby Seamus is Cyril's! And Barry just wanted to frame me! You don't fool me.
You had the chance to make the switch, but you couldn't.
No, yes I could! And I never thought I'd say this, but Sterling You did the right thing.
No! I didn't! Well, the thing I thought was right, but not, ya know, what people think is right! Well, maybe you're turning into people.
But I don't wanna be people! And I didn't want to be a grandmother.
But c'est la vie, dear.
Yeah, and c'est la child support! Well, just tighten your belt.
My belt?! You said you were here for us! I am dear, but with the economy how it is What? My money isn't.
You're in a limousine! And if I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd be a teacher! Sorry dear, I have a fitting.
Ciao! Fitting.
And that's why people in this family shouldn't have children.
That, and a genetic predisposition toward Ants! Wh-?! Wretched horrible ants! Ants are gonna be the least of your worries, smackhound Running around barefoot like that? Hello, hookworms! Get in my feet! Or whatever.
Some kinda worms.
Will go in your feet.