Archer s04e02 Episode Script

The Wind Cries Mary

Item six.
Yeah, we're not done with item five! Well obviously we are, because I just said "item six.
" Where the hell're we supposed to eat lunch if you close the break room? Wherever you'd like.
As long as it's not Le Cirque, Lutèce, Elaine's, 21, The Russian Tea Room, or The Palm.
Like we can afford to eat lunch at any of those.
All the better.
Saves us all the embarrassment of my snubbing you.
Malory -- And, shut up, it will save me God knows how much on exterminators That break room is disgusting.
A pig wouldn't be caught dead in there.
Yeah it would.
- Aww, Pigley Two - And you! Mister "I Can Solve Your Ant Problem!" First of all, it's Doctor "I Can Solve Your Ant Problem" And second of all, here's your refund.
I really thought that would work.
What were you going for, ant-strength relative to the size of a human? Shut up.
Everyone shut up, because item six! Talk to Pam today, because somehow, and seemingly impossibly soon, it is once again time for peer reviews.
Yaaayyyy! Ugh, how can you not hate those? I dunno, maybe I'm the only one who cares about this being an efficient and supportive work environment Maybe you're lame.
Maybe you can shut your dick-holster.
So see me after, I've got everyone paired off.
Well, except Ms.
Archer.
Wait, why don't you have to do it? Well I would if I had a peer in this entire building.
Item seven.
Oh.
You all remember Lucas Troy - Shitbag.
- What're you talking about, Luke's awesome! He's a kickass agent, a great wingman, he can drink Ireland under the table back when we were training together we tore it up! Just like his ISIS contract! I trained him for a year, and the minute he's worth a damn he goes to work for ODIN?! She said, oversimplifyingly! Wh-?! And so, congratulations to all our new agents, but especially to our highest-scoring recruit, Lucas Troy! Way to go Luke! I'm going to work for ODIN.
He was still awesome.
And my best -- Only -- shut up, my best friend, Mother, which is why you hated him, because you were jealous of our relationship.
- So, you two were in a relationship Wh-? No, not the Ray kind! Meaning? Homosexual, Ray.
So, so obviously.
What's not obvious, Mother, is why my best friend, the awesome Luke Troy, is on your stupid agenda! Oh, right, let's see here Doo doo doo dooo oh.
He's dead.
He's what? Dead! Jesus, clean the secretly gay for Lucas Troy out of your ears.
This is crazy, how could Luke be -- - Gay? - Dead! Lana.
And your little, whatever, gay innuendos don't even merit a -- Reach-around? Owww! Jesus! Ha ha! It's just like my birthday party all over again.
Remember? Nooo! Yeah.
Because you weren't invited.
Mother, tell me exactly what happened! To lure a black market arms dealer into the open, Troy was posing as a nuclear scientist who had stolen enough uranium for a dirty bomb.
Oh, that is classic Luke the Spook! Hey stupid, here's your fake uranium, click, handcuffs, drops mic on stage.
Yes, that was the plan.
But somehow, thanks to what I just assume is ODIN idiocy, Troy acquired real uranium.
Even classic-er! The bad guys would obviously bring a Geiger counter! And ten million dollars in bearer bonds.
And when the smoke had cleared, four ODIN agents were dead, and the uranium, the bad guys, and the money had all disappeared.
And so had Troy.
Doesn't prove anything.
Oh for -- Archer, if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, and murders a bunch of its fellow ducks Then maybe the duck knew there was a mole! Ever think of that?! That maybe there's a fox in the henhouse?! A wolf in sheep's clothing?! Or one of the other tricky animals?! Well, we'll never know.
The plane he escaped in crashed, in Vermont.
What, no, I bet he faked his own death so he can expose the mole! There is no mole, and faked it how? Paging Dr.
Cooper! Dr.
D.
B.
Cooper! Lana, he obviously bailed out and -- And then landed safely, buried his chute, ran ten miles to the crash site and then strapped himself into the still-burning wreckage? That that could be anybody.
Well, anybody with his dental records.
What?! Yes, Sterling, I'm -- actually no, I'm not sorry.
He was a traitor and a thief, and so I'm glad he's dead.
If he is! Because you've always been insanely jealous of my friends! So if you'll excuse me, Mother, I have to go clear the name of an American hero.
Does he seem almost a little too fond of Troy? Yeah, and you know he was gay, right? As a tangerine.
In jean shorts.
But, I thought Troy was already dead.
Because he wants you to think that! But I have a list of all his known aliases, so see if any of them used a passport! Oh, or a credit card! Yeah, like at roughtrade dot net.
Lana, I will hire Kenny Loggins to come here and play an acoustic set while I slap some sense into you.
Pff.
Ray, back me up here.
Luke Troy, yes or no, gayest dude ever.
Uh Dude, what, it was just the tip! Meathead fratboy asshole jock maybe, but no, definitely not gay.
What?! Boom! Sorry.
What.
What?! I knew it! Where is he?! And why don't we leave the terrace door open, Woodhouse?! Exactly, because he's a frickin lemur! Ray, call me when you find a lead! I'll be somewhere in or on top of my building, shooting tranquilizer darts at the world's shittiest pet.
Told him when he bought it.
And I'm telling you these reviews are mandatory, and - since I outrank you - Hang on, lemme check this imaginary list of all the people I report to Doo doo doo doo dooooo Okay.
What the hell is this? This, mustache on a penis, is Rodney.
And since there's only one name on this list, you must be Ms.
Archer.
Cleverly disguised as a large man.
Meh-heh! He's the new, whatever, gun librarian.
Armory supervisor.
Hooray, what's with the cage? Oh, some wacky new thing the kids are doing, called inventory control? Ms.
Archer's pissed cause a buncha guns and stuff keep going missing Oh, and lemme know if you want a good deal on a gallon of irradiated ants.
Well, whatever.
I need some range time, so just scuttle back into the tiny little domain over which you have power, and get me a thousand rounds of nine mil, wadcutter.
Absolutely.
Just fill out these requisition forms, in triplicate.
Wh-? For a few lousy bullets?! Well one, they're excellent bullets-- Are you gonna stand there, in what I just assume are two-inch lifts, and tell me Archer filled out your stupid forms just to get a tranquilizer gun? No I am not.
Well?! He filled them out to get, doo doo dooooo, two H&K MP-five, two thousand rounds ammunition for same, twenty mark-two fragmentation grenade Wait a minute Yeah, that lemur is hosed.
Fourteen days survival ration, two night vision goggle, two each arctic camouflage parka and pant, and, doo doo doo doooo, two pairs snowshoe.
Son of a bitch! That phone call was -- Loooooooooooooooke! Dude, I knew you faked your death because a mole framed you for stealing that uranium! Dude, that is such a relief, I was worried they turned you against me.
Are you kidding? Dude, bros before apparent threats to national security.
Archer, you sure you're up for this? Because this thing it runs deep.
Dude, I love deep Said your mom! Haa! Classic you! Allright, GPS says I'll be there in four hours.
Don't worry, Luke I'm coming for you.
What was that? Phrasing.
Nice! Queer! Wait a -- oh my God, holy shit! No, Vermont has liquor stores.
Right? Yeah they have to, it sucks there.
Cyril, not now.
What's the signal strength on Archer's cellphone? The doohickey says he's about thirty minutes away.
And my point was, we could've easily done it by now.
And my point, is that pursuing a dangerous rogue agent, isn't the optimal time to do peer reviews! Coulda done it ten times by now.
God damn it fine frickin review me! Section one, Team Dynamics.
Question one, "Does employee cooperate with" Oh.
These are all "Strongly Disagree.
" You -- Pussy! Shut up, it went down wrong.
Said your oh.
Yeah, doesn't work there.
Mmmmokay, say "Thanks for coming.
" Nooope! No, seriously, if anybody finds out I helped you I'll be disavowed.
I know.
Dude, I know.
Thank you.
For? Nope.
God, what a dick.
Said your mom! Boom! Dammit! So easy Okay, I got an El Camino full of rampage here, so what's the plan? Right, yes, okay, so, I know it doesn't look like much now But it has tons of potential.
As a base of operations while we track down the mole who framed you for murdering your colleagues and selling uranium on the black market? No, asshole.
As a bed-and-breakfast.
- Uhh - Twin Oaks.
You like that? For the name? Twin Oaks? Seriously? Yeah, according to the doohickey it says Archer's in that direction -- Are you reading it wrong? Within two hundred meters.
I bet you're reading it wrong.
Section two, Interpersonal.
"Does employee frequently criticize oth --" Strongly agree.
Somewhat disagree? Somewhat shut up.
Come on, we're going on foot, through the woods.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
I know, but imagine it all fixed up! No, yeah, I mean obviously it's -- It's gonna be amazing, dude, look at these floors! That's heart of pine! Yeah, so look -- Look at this mantelpiece! Mahogany! There's another seven! Eight fireplaces, dude, how nuts is that?! - Pretty nuts - Said your mom! Yeahhh so, um, about un-framing you for treason and murder Yeah, I dunno, man, it kinda seems like what's the point, you know? I don't, actually.
C'mon, there's too much evidence! - I mean it's all fake, obviously, but - Exactly! Dude, there's a mole in your agency! We gotta catch him! But then what? Then there's another mole, or a double agent, on and on, it's all just secrets and lies, man! Yeah, it's espionage.
I can't go back to that world, man, I'm too tired.
Hopefully that's just neurological damage from scraping lead paint No, it's -- Because turning the Munsters' house into a B&B is an insane response to your situation! It'd be cheaper to build a brand new house out of actual money! Yeah, I know it'll cost a fortune to fix her up, but money's not a problem.
Why, wait, why is money not a problem? And my situation, is anyone who could hurt me thinks I'm already dead.
I -- wait, and who was in the plane? Hm? I said who was in the goddamn-- No no no no, what the hell?! How could you not see that?! Because I only have two eyes, and they were busy looking for hunters! Why, is it pumpkin season?! Is that a thing?! Archer, were you followed here? Wow, okay, a little insulting.
I think I know how to spot a tail, so -- Is your phone on?! Wh-? No! Jesus, what kind of wallpaper are you thinking about? Because how about a textile? Lana, listen.
No, you listen! We're -- Ha ha haa! Leave it! The voice mailbox of Is full.
Goodbye.
Why is Lana Kane -- and is that the geeky little accountant dude?! -- attempting to breach my perimeter?! I honestly don't know, but why are -- you doing that? Because they are a threat .
No they're not! To our future together.
Especially not Cyril! He's -- wait, I'm sorry, whose future together? Yours and mine, dumbass.
You lost me.
No, Archer, I thought I had-- No, yeah, you did.
but then you came back to me.
Don't take this the wrong way? But I'm getting an extremely gay vibe.
Wh-? Jesus, dude, I'm not gay! I -- For other men! Lost me again.
I can't really explain it? I mean, you know me, I've banged more hot chicks than I've had hot dinners, but There's just something about you.
That makes you gay for me? Well, I don't really like that word? Well sorry, I didn't invent English.
It's more like a singular samesex attraction.
- Can I, um, my head's kinda spinning - I know, this is a lot to process.
No, literally.
Well, figuratively.
- If it was literally - The wineyou drugged the wine? Yeah, sorry, I thought you might freak out when I told you all this.
- Pfff, sunnersannable, I'd do me - And also when I told you I actually did steal the uranium and murder my fellow agents.
- You dick - To fund our life together, dude! Which will start right after I go murder your fellow agents.
Way way way way, hang on.
You had same wine, how you not get drug? Coated the inside of the glass.
Heh! Classic you! Well this is a frickin disaster! I know.
When Ron said we were going on a cruise, I almost vomited blood.
No.
Nobody's doing their peer reviews! Pam, the word "disaster" implies it's something that actually matters.
It matters to me! Well, but you don't.
Well then maybe instead of doing my job I'll go hang out in Vermont with Luke Troy and all the other assholes! What?! Oops.
Trace Sterling's phone, and scramble every available field agent! I want them all converging on his location! - They kinda already are - There's only like two of 'em.
So why are these damn peer reviews so hard?! Only like ten people work in this whole goddamn chickenshit outfit! Sorry.
Don't be.
It is a chickenshit outfit.
Look, for your information? Blaze orange is the safest color to wear to avoid being accidentally shot at.
What about intentionally shot at?! - Oh man, this is almost too easy - Oh for -- seriously?! Yeah, gotta give 'em a head start.
One Sterling Archer, two Sterling Archer Ooh, Sterling Archer-Troy.
We can take each other's names.
I'd be -- Luuuuke! C'mon, you're not thinking straight! A, you wildly underestimated my liver's ability to metabolize toxins! And B, why would you possibly have these? Because I'm not the idiot who took his idiot clothes off! Just your jacket, c'mon, I'm freezing! No! I am gonna give you the worst peer review in the history of them! Hey, Lana! Where's Archer?! Did you kill him?! He's fine.
Unlike your aim.
Guess you never learned how to shoot, huh? What?! First of all! Shitass! Or take criticism.
Strongly agree.
And from where? Under.
Wear.
What was it we used to call you? Truckasaurus? Cyril? No, it was oh yeah, Spray-and-Pray! Dammit! We also called you Shirley Temper.
Uh, Cyril? Which, ya know, lame.
But accurate.
Again, unlike your aim.
Which is why I always thought it was weird that you only ever carried two magazines.
Section three, Organization Skills! Cyril! "Employee is often unprepared for important meetings!" Strongly agree! You left your gun in a pile of clothes! Because I had nowhere to put it! And yet you found room for a twentypage wad of Pam's stupid peer review! It's important to her! Okay, so Don't really know what to make of that.
Unless Wait, no, get it out of your head.
Predator only hunts in tropical jungles.
I assume.
And desperately hope.
Dammit! Well?! Have you found Sterling?! Well his phone's in this house.
It's about twenty miles north of Bennington, so I assume it's a B&B.
Well, you would know.
And if you want to keep those teeth, missy, you won't suck them at me! - You know - Shut up, have you tried calling him?! Ha ha haa! Leave it! Yes.
- The voice mailbox of - You could've just said so, you little -- Alright! I swear to God, you people? Just say the word on the nerve gas.
Feel like I owe you a freebie after the whole ant-Krieger thing.
I can't, go anymore, can't do it.
Section Four, Running.
Employee sucks ass at it.
Strongly agree.
Lana?! Little geek dude?! My only regret, is I won't, get to turn this in, because it is scathing.
That can't possibly, be your only regret.
Well there's dating you.
Actually no, that was far and away the best thing that ever happened to me.
So as much as I'd like to, I don't think now's an optimal time for that.
Aww, really? - I mean, if you think we have time - Cyril! Ahh! Yeah we don't have time! Not for this, dickbrain.
For that.
What, what is oh.
Ohh, okay! But do get naked.
Panties too.
Yeah, they're called briefs? Yeah, you're a grown man? Yeah, that's our Lana.
Let's see, so judging from the shell ejection she was firing at What I really hope was not an ent.
Because that is like the last thing we need.
An entmoot.
Oh my God what if I'm gay for Tolkien? Dude.
Seriously, not that it's gonna matter in thirty seconds But what is your problem? - Well, besides Lana ditching me - For what, an entmoot? Ya know, cause she's got those big-ass tree-hands? I'd have to go with hypothermia.
- Well, I know a cure for that - Oh my God, not in my face! Said your mom, BOOM! Sorry, that's terrible to hear that right before you What in the hell is? Well, you know what they say.
Big hands Big dick.
Noooooooooo! - Ew.
- Gross.
Luke?! Archer?! Shut up, Luke?! Archer? Oh dude, is it bad? There's a kind of a lot of blood down there.
Said your mom.
Oh my God, I'm sorry.
Seriously.
No, for everything.
The uranium, killing my fellow agents, that hobo I set on fire after I paid him to get his teeth drilled to match my dental records? Jesus, the dentist? God damn, dude.
I know.
But I only did it because I wanted us to be together, forever.
Called it.
I've loved you since the day we met.
So mostly I'm sorry for remember that training mission in the D.
R.
? Uh yeah, tap-and-trace on the Cuban embassy.
Then we got shit-housed on mamajuana.
And then you passed out in your room.
Um yeah Well, after you passed out, I -- Luke? If you really do love me? You know I do.
Then please don't finish that sentence.
Dude.
It's my deathbed confession.
C'mon, I'm dying.
Well I'm not, so please, don't -- After you passed out.
I snuck into your room with a big bottle of suntan oil, put - on some Al Green, and - Noooooooooooooooooooooo! Can we have the radio?