Archer s04e05 Episode Script

Vicious Coupling

Oh for the -- We're already late, what'd ya go and start that for? I didn't! So, it just spontaneously combusted.
So creepy look, I've got goosebumps.
I'm sure you do.
What is -- is something burning?! No! Maybe you're having a stroke! I'm not having a stroke! That's great, Mother, keep those periodic updates coming! Oh shut up.
Hey, Friday happy hour, you guys in? Gimme that.
No no no no no that's not -- -- water.
Well what the hell was it?! Grappa.
- Aww - No shit, that was like twenty bucks' worth.
Who drinks a pint of grappa?! Well nobody now, Wendy Wasteful.
So you can buy my first couple of rounds.
- Nah, I can't, we -- - No, you can.
I'm allowing you.
- Oh my God, thank you - You're welcome.
but we've got dates.
Meaning the fruit of the date palm? Muh-huh.
Date dates, dingdong.
With who? Oh, just some handsome firemen I met.
At a warehouse fire.
So c'mon, let's go already! My cooch has cobwebs on it.
Ew.
Krieger, hey, wanna get a drink? Oooooooooooooh, no.
- It's mushi night, movie and sushi - With oh.
Meaning that's tentacle porn.
"Fisherman's Wife" and "Fisherman's Wife Two:" "The Re-Tentacling.
" Mother, hey, wanna go get a drink? You know, as a matter of fact, I do.
- Oh, okay, uh -- - And as another matter of fact, I am.
With Ron, in the bar at The Tuntmore.
And if he plays his cards right, he'll be wetting a lot more than his -- Oww! What is wrong with you?! Well for one thing, tinnitus! Which Yeah, I think it's getting worse.
And how do they all have dates, these aren't people you date, I'm who should have a date, I'm the best at dates.
Hmm, I wonder if Lana has a date.
Yes! - Lana? - Yes! - You heard that? - Yes! Who're you, Jaime Sommers? Yes! No seriously, I can barely hear me, are my ears really that messed up? Yes! Yes! Yes! Okay, Jesus, I'm not deaf, I'm just -- Going to vomit.
I am going to vomit.
Not on my carpet, you're not! I -- Oh for God's sake, get a room! We did.
Shut up, because first of all I don't have to explain myself to you, of all people, and -- -- and if you blow that thing again the next time you hear it'll be when some whore is giving you a blow job.
Doesn't even make sense.
I think she means she'll shove it up your -- Dickhole, and where did you get that?! Rape prevention class.
Which, turns out, is a not-good place to meet women.
No shit.
Yeah, it's like their guard is so up, it's -- Cyril, scotch, where?! Well if you mean my grandfather's Glengoolie Blue, you drank it and then puked it into my trash can! Oh my God, Lana I get, she wants to make me jealous, but are you seriously just getting me back for the scotch?! Do you even hear yourself? It honestly kinda comes and goes.
Well, since thanks to you I didn't do the former, now we're doing the latter.
Cyril, go start the car.
- Are you not going-- - Cyril? Remember the ground rules for this? So carefully negotiated? I will go start the car.
- And before you say it -- - How long's it been since you got laid, Lana? That's not why I'm dating Cyril again! - Uh-huh, so two -- - No! Not two years! Ass.
Fourteen months.
So go ahead, laugh.
At what? I was gonna say two weeks.
Two years is Lana, that's the -- third saddest thing I've heard today.
Pam told me about a little girl who drowned trying to save a puppy.
Jesus what was the second saddest? The puppy drowned too.
But it's a close third, I mean don't do this, Lana, c'mon, I'd be happy to bang you.
Me and anybody who could fog a mirror.
Well before, maybe, but I really think I've changed, Ya know! And-or matured! Ha.
No, I'm serious, with the cancer, and my possible father dying, and um oh my God, the tinnitus?! - Archer - Hang on, should we get that? Get what? Is the phone not? Damn you, tinnitus, you're a cruel mistress! But seriously, do you not hear that? Yes, now! It's your phone! Oh.
Duh.
Wait please, Lana, c'mon, you can't deny we're attracted to each other! So?! So what if all that stuff really has matured me? I know I'm not perfect, but you have to admit I'm better! Than? Than I was! And also than Cyril could ever be.
- First of all, Cyril -- - Cheated on you as much as I did, Lana, - and I'm ten times handsomer than him, so - They're the same! Lana, be honest with yourself.
It was actually about ten times worse.
What happened to your idiot voicemail?! I'm doing this new thing, where now it just rings, drives people crazy.
- Oh my God, you have matured - Lana, I have! Just let me prove it! If.
In some crazy parallel universe I agreed to that.
How would you.
By -- Jesus, hang on, Woodhouse might be trapped in the dumbwaiter again.
He was in there two days last time.
Your apartment's one level, how do you have a dumbwaiter? Goes sideways.
Mmmmmmmmyello? Speaking.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay, bye.
Yes! Okay, Lana, check you later.
What? What about all that just now? All what just now? About how much you've matured, and how you want to get back together? That's what you heard? Wow, your ears are even worse than mine.
Wait, was that even Woodhouse? Nooop! Then who was it?! Yes, my dear Sterling, come for me.
Phrezzing, boom.
Hey, asshole! Thanks.
And oh, my name is Cyril Figgis.
Hey, how's it going? Thenk you, they are beautiful.
Sorry about the chocolate, I didn't know you were allergic or whatever.
The alkaloids.
They can make a problem with my bioelectronics.
Oh.
Right.
Because you have those.
And I'm sorry if you misunderstood.
I did not call you for the romance.
I -- yeah I mean yeah, no, duh, and besides I wouldn't be interested, I have a girlfriend, so.
Oh.
Yeah, an actress.
Of stage and screen.
Oh.
Well, I hope she makes you happy.
Is funny, you don't ask where is Barry.
What do you mean where is Barry, he's -- Yeah, where is Barry? I I don't know! And only one week after, well, you know, when I left you for him, he said he must go for work, to London.
- Wow, that was months ago - And since then, nothing! Not a word! What could have happened to him?! - Uhhh - Noooooooooooooooooooo! He is on space station?! But why?! Well, ya know, I hate to say this, but obviously he met someone else.
Sterling.
Pliz.
Yeah, that was the -- third dumbest thing I've ever said.
Wait, what were the first two? Buddy, you just sold a timeshare! Make that two timeshares! - Goddamn maintenance fees - Sterling, will you please help me find him? How? That office was just a trailer.
Barry.
Oh.
Barry, right.
Pliz, Sterling.
If you ever truly loved me, you will help Barry to come home to me.
'kay.
Okay, lemme get this straight You wanna help psycho cyborg supervillain Barry, who's trapped in space like General frickin Zod, get back to earth so she'll dump him for you? Right? When Barry gets back she'll realize what a dick he is, so she'll need somebody to talk to, so enter Sterling Archer, the sensitive friend! What is this, Opposite World? Yeah, right? Oh for -- this is not Opposite World.
- I think in her mind that mean - God, okay! This is Opposite World! Whew! Um, okay, and since certain people around here may not see how brilliant my plan is, - they're gonna need to be -- Convinced? I'm sorry, did you say incapacitated? - Because, Krieger, I can't have the-- - Responsible people? Naysayers! Walk in on you while you're helping Barry build a rocket! Barry The Unstoppable Psycho-Cyborg.
He's not unstoppable anymore! Ray's got bionic legs! But if you don't wanna see two robots smashing each other with cop cars and shit as they fight to the death through the streets of Manhattan Bup bup bup bup bup! Stop.
My penis can only get so erect.
HOLOGRAM: Honntou ne [Very true] I was tired! Ew.
Cyril? What.
Ew.
Ray? What.
Seriously, how is that even a genre? And is this just jackoff central? Ugh, not with all this damn racket! Wh-? Why aren't you in position?! I am, this is how I do it! Wh-? Ewww! I meant with Mother! Oh.
I put Cheryl on that.
Great, Miss Opposite World?! You heard me, do not go in there.
Why, what are you hiding this time? Probably another one of her so-called mystery fires.
Lana, I said no! Okay, so where's the fire.
Worst.
Day.
Evah! Okay status report! Mother in there? No.
Carol, open this damn door! - Um, okay, now I just need to find - Cheryl! And neither is Lana.
Nice! Hey excellent job, seriously-- Ow! I mean totally shit job? Cheryl! Thank you.
- So when I said this is Opposite World -- - Pam.
The important thing is that I'm happy.
Try not to overthink it.
I just wanna help you finish your new spaceship, why is that weird? Why is that weird -- Because my sworn purpose in life is to murder your little buddy Archer? Archer? No way man, I hate that guy! Since when? Since, um, he slept with my girlfriend! Dattara iinoni [I wish.
] Keep it up.
God, that is just classic Archer! Right? I mean, not a huge surprise, from a self-centered alcoholic who feels compelled to sleep with every woman he meets because that's the only way to fill the emptiness inside where his mother's love should -- ow! Do what? One sec? What the shit?! What, you said be convin-- Convincing! Not deliberately hurtful! Well?! Yo, asshole! What're we doing here? Fixing that spaceship, buddy! Looks like it's just about done, huh? Yeah, those scientists were pretty resourceful.
Until they all died.
And how did they, um, all die? Oh different ways.
'kay.
Swift and severe.
The punishment will be swift and severe.
I mean it, Lana, that girl is out of here.
Aww, and right when she was gonna invest ten million dollars in ISIS.
She said that?! Oh my God, that phony prospectus must've worked! Do you think the money's in here?! Come on, help me look in these boxes! Malory! What?! Oh.
Dammit.
So yeah Krieger's helping Barry finish his rocketship, and when he gets home he can tell you about the other woman.
The what?! Wait, how'd we get to another woman? Oh my God, do you have proof of this?! - No, I -- can probably get some - Oh, Sterling! - If Barry really is cheating on me - And also if I prove it somehow Then he will be dead to me! Because I will kill him with my bare hands! Yeah, or not, since then there's no reason for him to come home at all! What's that? Nothing, what? Oh, you mean that? Sorry, that's just a sympathy boner.
Oww! Woooo! Cyril Figgis strikes again! Status report! Terrible! Wait, what hap -- goddammit! What?! Dude, assimilate! Are Mother and Lana still in the vault? No.
I -- rrgh! A situation, by the way, for which I blame you entirely.
How is this my fault?! You were the -- holy shit, there really are nerve gas canisters up here! I thought that was a joke! How is that funny? Because I said so.
What's this even written on? A bar bill, and just do it.
Forget about actually fixing the rocket.
But what about the robot fight?! And why are you beating on shit?! Because shit is stuck! Dude! It's not a frickin tractor! Yeah, that's what all the space-nerds up here kept saying.
Until Other Barry just couldn't stand it anymore.
I -- Krieger! Forget the robot fight and just read the damn script! Then upload the audio to the mainframe! Okay, either Barry! I need you to find a female co-ax bus connector.
What's a female whatever look like? Pam! Pam! Paaaaaam! Whaaat?! C'mon, I need your help on -- wait, what were you doing in there? Nothin.
But don't go in there! No, huh-uh! That's how Mother and Lana wound up locked in the vault! - A situation, by the way, for which-- I heard you! C'mon! You're still into all that stupid AV stuff, right? Uh Not reeeally - Okay, so screw those in - Wait all of 'em? Dammit man, I said screw! I am screwing! Wow, this might actually work.
What's that? I said why not use this one.
No! Gimme that! Why, what's on here? Nothing! Jesus! Christ, Ray! Is it too much to ask?! Just once?! To be unconscious in a bathroom without being sexually assaulted by -- you, um have a dart in your neck.
Oh.
So do you.
Oh.
- Sorry I accused you of, um - It's okay.
C'mon, let's find our -- - Noooooooooooooooooooo! - Noooooooooooooooooooo! Yes owww! Will you focus?! That's as good as I can get it! Dicknuts! Shut up, okay, then that'll have to do, so make a tape or whatever, and -- So, just a quick heads up, Ms.
Archer and Lana are still in the vault.
Wh-? Then why are you bothering-- - Carol! - Cheryl! Pam you better not be making pornos! 'kay! Tape, woman, tape! Okay, here! Dicknuts! I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Now, the audio's a little rough, ya know, it's from outer space, but -- Sterling, pliz! I want to hear it.
- Well, Katya, you say that - Barry? Barry it's me, Archer.
That's not me, talking to Barry.
Shh! Classic Archer! That's Barry, talking to-- Shhhhh! Yeah so listen, Katya asked me to call you Shit.
She's wondering why you left.
Because couldn't stand it anymore.
So you lied to her about being on - the space station because-- - Archer.
I am screwing! Female.
Scientists up here all of 'em? Oh, I was gonna ask which one but-- All of 'em? All of 'em? All of -- - Okay Barry, I -- - Different ways.
Like? In.
Asshole! Okay, Barry! Jesus, have some-- Katya, baby, don't! C'mon, you'll -- wait, does that even hurt your hands? The only thing that hurts is my heart! And when Barry gets back, his heart will hurt, because I will rip it out! What if Barry wasn't coming back? But you said Krieger was fixing rocket.
Yeah, but only because he wanted to see an epic robot fi -- oh, shit! Will you excuse me? For a sec? No no no no no no no no! Yes! I think that's got 'er, dude! Told you it was the viscous coupling! Well goody, you win space camp.
So tell Archer I'm coming for him, phrasing, boom, and both Barrys out! Krieger! Why is Barry rocket-shipping away from the frickin space station?! Because Newton's Third Law of Motion? Hey thanks, Neil deGrasse Tyson! Oooooh, deGrasse Tyson-san How the hell did you fix his ship?! I gave you a bunch of gibberish! I may have gone a teeny bit off script? Wh-? What is wrong with you?! With me? Dude, robot fight.
- Oh, and Barry said tell you he's-- I heard him! Okay, I'll tell Katya to pack a bag and we'll move to, Alaska or somewhere else snowy, where he can't track us! Doesn't even make sense.
You know what doesn't make sense?! The number you have dialed has been disconnected or is -- Nooooooooooooooooooo! longer in service.
Goodbye.
Hey, punkin pie! Dun't give me your pie of pumpkin, Barry, you are in the big trouble! - I -- - I told you! I said dun't try to kill Sterling and what do you do?! Um, that.
Da.
But I do what you ask me.
To repair your rocket, I use Sterling, and once again break his heart, so -- Archer? Please.
No.
You pliz, he loves me.
You should have heard thet pathetic tape.
- Well whatever, look -- - No.
You look.
When you get home you are going to hev some new ground rules.
Okay, hon? Look, I'm sorry I lied, but, ya know, I make the rules.
- I mean, I am the head of the KGB, so-- - Hello? Darling, you are breaking up.
Now who do I hev to screw to get a drink around here? Nobody, ma'am.
Unless you wunt.
And if you do wunt, I ken be buttum.
No problum there.