Archer s04e11 Episode Script

The Papal Chase

No, coordinate with Rome, then get me the lastest intel, then tell Rodney they need travel docuents an hour ago.
Then bring me the file I asked for! *** - What was that? - Nothing.
Saved you the embarrassment of an incredible homophobic remark.
- Ow! - Sorry! What's going on? - Where? - Uh, this new place called here? Nothing.
Malory! Good luck! She just had an electro-- Electro-magnetic lock installed! Are you serious? - Malory! - Because I'm seriously asking, did Krieger give you robot hands? Not yet! But you just say the word.
The - Out.
Can't have anything nice Krieger! Jazz hands! Should've never taken him to see "The Wiz.
" The Broadway show or the movie? Jazz hands! Both.
Jazz hands! I -- whatever, look, obviously there's- Nothing! Is going on, Lana! If there were, I would tell you, but- Uh, there's a Cardinal Corelli on line one for you? Something about a radical faction of the Swiss Guard assassinating the pope tomorrow night? You need to get that? Do you.
Need to get that.
No, I'm sure whoever it is- It's the Vatican! Line one! Jesus! Shit, I hope he didn't hear that.
Or that, shit! Just put him through, you idiot! Okay, - Jesus! Shit - Uhhhhh.
Ah ha ha, Giancarlo! Como stai? Molto meglio, cara mia, now that I see your eyes, your lips, your Giancarlo! Siete senza vergogna.
And you, are the only woman who ever made me regret taking the holy orders.
And you are the only man who ever made me- Come oonnn! I'm right here, ya know! Why?! Gettin new carpet in my office.
Which, speaking of Ron?! Malory, you have married? Ehh You are a fortunate man, signore.
Ah, blow it out yer cassock.
Ron! Malory.
We don't have much time.
Your agents of ISIS, they are ready? Or they are confused verging on angry? Lana, it's an undercover mission.
At the Vatican? What, they don't have black nuns? Although granted I've never seen one.
But that's not like, a rule, is it? - Ehh - Well since you're not sending me, and I assume you're not sending Ray To the Vatican? You think all those Catholic priests wouldn't peg him- as American? With that hillbilly accent? Malory, I must go now.
Please hurry! So not Ray, and not me, which leaves In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti, et cetera, et - You can't.
No one is gonna believe Archer is a priest.
For your infor- I'm in! Turn it off! Okay! Jesus! Shit.
For your information, Lana, I have totally prepared for this mission.
Well there's a firs- First thing I did was watch every episode of "Lucy, Daughter of the Devil.
" Which by the way, was grossly- Inadequate preparation, for an undercover mission protecting the pope from an assassination attempt! I was gonna say "underrated," but - But even if you were prepared- Which I truly feel that I am.
-- but which you're not, who's your backup if Ray's not going? Cyril? - No - No, it turns out Cyril- Aaagh! How bout a little warning?! Has a thing.
About church stuff.
Since when? Since none of your beeswax, and- Bwoohahaahaaa! Aaagh! Well And I think I need a spanking, because I have been a very naughty baaaaagh! Guess that explains that.
But it doesn't explain how Archer's gonna run this mission by himself.
Well, if you were "confused verging on angry" - before - Aaagh! What?! Jesus Christ Shit.
God damn it.
Pam! What.
Pam?! What?! Paaaam! Whaaat?! I dunno, what're we doing? Esatto! Che cosa stiamo facendo?! Aww man, we have to learn Latin? Ew yeah, that's a dealbreaker.
You were speaking Latin when you walked in here - Mmmmno -- whereas I was just speaking Italian, which neither of you speak nor even understand, obviously, so - So?! Lana, the assassination plot is being hatched by the Swiss Guard? So? So it's an eight-hour flight, so we get some tapes and brush up on our- Swiss? Duh? Well, since Swiss isn't a language, maybe you should get some tapes on German, French, Italian and Romansh.
Maybe I will.
Lana pack a bag, you're- No! Mother come on, we don't need- Lana! Is going! Ha! And Pam, if you keep your eyes open and your big mouth shut, you just might learn something from her.
Ha! Why are you going ha?! I dunno, what're we doing? I'll tell you what we should be doing.
So, who does the pope remind you of? Ha! What.
Haaa! Shut up! And you also shut up.
Haaa! Why are you still going ha?! Pink Panther's on.
Father Guido Sardoochbag? Oh really? Because she didn't specify an agent in-command, Lana, so I would argue- With a fence post.
I wouldn't argue with a -- oof! Move, idiot! I'm goin as fast as I can! Not you, the- The fence post? Ha! It was a bollard! And my point was- Fine! You're agent-in- command! Now shut up, brief Corelli, and get the access code to the pope's apartment! I will, because I command me to.
And you should eat, this could be a long night, and you're so teeny.
Hm? Seriously, eat, you're like a slow loris.
Oh, no, bit off my feed, I'm afraid.
Woodhouse, you need to- Oh c'mon, you need to fix? Well, is there some amount you can shoot up to get right for the mission, without gettin all trainspotty? Back in a tick! Oh for the -- and thanks for making me carry your bag through customs! No, thank you! Grazie.
Grazie mille, vostra majesty-o? Your Italian is, how you say, shit? Then you are not gonna like my Romansh.
Mio dio! You think this is funny?! I thought that was.
Assassins plan to kill the Holy Father in his own bed, on this very night, ma tu stai qui con la testa nel culo! Whoa whoa, take it down a notch, St.
Louis! His head is not up his ass! How'd you know what he said? It was an eight-hour flight.
Wow, did you learn Romansh? Who am I, Cypher? The gayest X-man? I dunno, Gambit looks like he knows his way around a pair of - Basta! Here is the access card to the Holy Father's private apartment.
I assume you have a plan once inside? We call it the old switcheroo.
We absolutely do not call it the old switcheroo.
Mio dio! I know, right? Trope alert! Che? Eh non si traduce bene.
Feeling better? Sound as a pound, my dear.
Where the hell are we? Uh, this new place called Italy? How'd I get all the way downtown? Wh-? Not Little Italy! Italy, Italy! Bloody hell.
What are we doing here? Thwarting an assassination attempt on the pope.
Using you as a decoy.
Back in a tick! With Ken and your weekend weather.
And you may need an umbrella because it's going to be raining.
Dead ass popes.
Aw crap, he's already dead.
No he's not, he's just old.
That's how Woodhouse looks when he's asleep.
I'm gonna get a mirror.
Right until he wakes and sees me staring at him with night-vision goggles and literally pisses himself.
Hey, does Woodhouse seem unhappy to you, or -- what the hell're you doing?! Gonna see if his breath fogs it up.
Put the stupid mirror back, he's not- Dead.
Nice job, Oliver Cromwell.
I killed the pope! Yeah, that's why I said Oliver Crom- Jesus Christ I'm going to hell I'm going to hell I'm going to hell I'm- Pam.
Yes? Get off the pope.
- Heeey, Your Holiness - Is he dead?! I dunno, shut up, I'm- Should I get another mirror? But like, a much much smaller one? No, you're half heroin already! Okay, here's Junkie Brewster, let's Where's the pope? Soo, Here's the thing.
Promise you won't get mad? I -- actually do not promise I won't get mad, because here's what thing? Um What, why is there a giant mirror on the oh my God you crushed the pope?! Don't just stand there idiots, help me get it off and Pam! Woodhouse! Huh? Oh! Oof! Ow! Ow! What the -- is that a needle?! Rrrrrgh! Oh thank God! Chi siete voi, dove sono le guardie?! We're -- Your Holiness, do you speak English? Yes, of course, but- Ha! Way to waste your time learning Italian, Pam! Aw, stai zitto, testa di cazzo.
And could you? Sorry.
Dio mio! He look just like me! Yes, Your Holiness, he's a decoy.
We have reason to believe a faction of the Swiss Guard will make an attempt on your life tonight, so- So if you don't mind - hopping out of those pope-jamas - Archer? We'll hide you, put him in your place, wait for them to come in - And then what?! You are only two! Well three, so- Better make that two.
Think I mighta grabbed the tail of the dragon here Ooh, then you're in for a treat! Shut up! And with all due respect Your Holiness, it's the Swiss Guard I think we can handle a few court jesters with, whatever, halberds.
Which, you realize are just ceremonial.
Obviously they're ceremonial, they were made obsolete by the arquebus.
Which is why now they use MP-5's.
Which is why where's the gear bag with all of our automatic weapons?! Well I assume in the hotel room, but- God - I thought they just had halberds! Do you at least have a sidearm?! It was ruining the lines of my cassock.
Dammit! And again, I honestly thought they just had- -- halberds.
Although technically I think they're called voulges.
Santo Padre! La porta, per favore! I got him, just toss him down! I'm not tossing the frickin pope! Somehow this is all your fault.
Che? Oh for the-- this is the pope! Oh, then WOODHOUSE Oof! Ow! Oh for shit's sake, already! Archer shut up and find us some- Sparale! Oof! Transport! Are you shitting me?! Well it was this or the Vespas! It's not my fault Italy's so gay.
Which, by the way, Pope, on the gay thing La Sacra Bibbia says it is a mortal sin.
But get me out of here alive and I will pardon you for it, my son.
Wh-? No, I - Haaaa! So why are you scared of church stuff? Did the unspeakable happen? To your slender, hairless, adolescent body? Wh-? No! - Aww - Eww! Right?! First of all, I'm not- I'm not scared of priests or nuns or - Bishops? No, I just -- Bishop the android from Aliens? No! I told Ms.
Archer that because I didn't wanna go on another mission with the world's worst colleague.
Bishop the android from Aliens? Archer! You think he's a dick here? On a mission he's ten times worse.
That's impossible.
ARCHER Oh really?! Yes, really! A, I was a race car driver! And B- Archer.
Your Holiness, a little help?! The pope could drive better than you! No no, io non guido.
Ugh, esatto? - Oh, capito - Why're you taking her side?! She's Lutheran! Eh, Luther had some valid complaints.
Archer! Owwwww! Drive the ffffffffrickin car! Okay, Lana! What is your problem? Well there's you and also that.
Why aren't they on horseback?! Because why would they be?! Right, halberdsmen are foot-soldiers.
Mi scusi, the bigger question is, if they really are the Swiss Guards Why are they wearing Swiss Guard uniforms, driving a Swiss Guard car?! Esatto.
Holy sh -- it's a false flag operation! To make it look like the Swiss Guard! Who told you I was to be assassinated? Cardinal Corelli! He- He wouldn't, by any chance, be next in line for the papacy, would he? Well, there would be an election - Right, with the smudge-pot -- but Corelli would be sure to win.
Pretty good motive.
Yeah, you must make a shitlo- Ahhhhhhhh!!! Go! What're you doing?! I'm letting them catch up! Why?! Can I finish?! He asked, agent-incommandingly! Take the wheel and maintain speed! Woodhouse, lighter! I'm only ninety pounds wet, sir! What? No you idiot, your spoon-cooker! Oh right.
Like pulling teeth with you people.
Lana! Head toward Swiss Guard HQ! What, while you request Freebird?! Ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
Actually that was pretty good, for you at least, but no, while I do Shit, I had a pun about flares.
Fake dynamite?! That's your plan?! So hey, can I squeeze in a confession? Oho, ora dov'รจ il tuo Martin Luther? - Fine, I'll buy a damn indulgence! Oh wait - Wait until they're right beside us, then swerve into em! What, so you're crushed between the- Woohoohoohoooooooooo! Shoulda seen that comin Hey, I can see St.
Peter's from- Archer look ooouuut! Goddammit, quit telling me what to do! I'm the goddamn agent-in-command! - Figo, he really drops the G.
bombs - Plus he's a whoremonger.
Oh please, who hasn't paid for it?! Still talking about indulgences.
Lana now! He said, last wordsingly.
Hang on! Ahhhh, oh!! Sparale! Sparale! What the-?! Pam, what'd he say?! What do you think he said, dicknuts?! Pay attention to the frickin context! Well sorry I don't have your language-nerd skills! Hang on Pambit! Wrong X-Man, dumbass! Still though Non lui! Il papa! Spar'al papa! - Ohhhh - Ohhh, shit! Pam!! Get doowwwn! Ungh! Ungh! Unghh! Lanaaaa! Rrrgh.
I'm fine! Yeah me too, asshole! Oh good.
Is the pope hit?! Uhh no, he's, they're both good.
Recarica! Spara di nuovo! Really wish I hadn't focused so heavily on the Romansh ARCHER Lesson one.
Leshau untg.
Context! They're reloading! Ohhh That's what you mean by context? Spara! What else could she possibly mean?! Who am I, William Safire?! Oh and speaking of in the hole! What? Safire in the hole, Lana, it's a- Waaaagh! Lana look oooooouuuu- Ow.
The good news is, my men have apprehended Cardinal Corelli, who immediately confessed to the plot.
Hey heyyy, that is good news! You know how the whole "the good news is" thing works, right? The bad news is- Oh right.
-- the men you killed were Camorra.
What're they, like the mafia? The Camorra is like your mafia like Seal Team Six is like the Girl Scouts.
So equally sexy? Eww! Oww! Oww! But the real good news, ow! Dick! Is that we saved the pope's life.
For which we are grateful.
However We cannot tell - these two apart, so - So I actually have an idea about that.
Is it take them both home, see which one's a better butler, and give the other one back to the Catholic Church? Never mind.
Then why don't we leave them both here until they come to.
I'm sure Woodhouse never gets a vacation.
Are you kidding? I didn't even let him go to his brother's funeral.
What?! Oh my -- you asshole! Was he crushed?! Probably woulda been.
If I'd told him about it.
But wait, why did Corelli hire ISIS to prevent the assassination? To show the cardinals he was trying to prevent it, all the while assuming- What, that we'd totally bl-ow my God he assumed we'd totally blow it?! Well ISIS has a certain reputation.
Hey, whoa! Not cool, Payne Stewart! Oh, my God, if Malory ever hears about this - Which she won't! Because Pam?! What? Promise you'll never tell Mother! Okay, I promise! Swear to God! What?! Pam! Pam! Haaaaa!?
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