Archer s05e02 Episode Script

Archer Vice: A Kiss While Dying

Are you shitting me? How can they do that? And do you have to do that right goddamn now? I actually don't have to do it ever.
And so I ask again, why are you? How can they seize my penthouse? Well, A, they're the government, and B, ISIS owned that penthouse, so Since when? Since this new thing called always? It never struck you as odd that you lived there for 10 years and never paid a dime in rent? I just thought it was because I banged the landlord's wife when she dropped off the key.
But I realize now I was mistaken.
Aw! What a scary new feeling for you.
Not as scary as having to live in Casa de Addams Family with you two! Ugh! No, I'm just working here, not moving in.
I was smart enough to put my apartment in Ron's name.
We all could've hidden our assets if you'd warned us we were about to be arrested for treason! Oh, for the love How long are you going to throw that in my face? Probably at least through the weekend.
Well, then you'll have to throw it from Miami.
Wait, no, why? What's in Miami.
Besides 90% of all mosquitoes and Cubans on earth? That sounds high.
A buyer for 20 kilos of our cocaine.
Okay, now you sound high.
And what did I say about that horn? Oh.
You were serious? Did I not look serious? Well, maybe she couldn't tell, because you seemed pretty serious just now when you said you set up a drug deal.
How else are we supposed to sell it? It's not like we can have a yard sale.
Yeah, Lana.
Hello, people would steal it.
I realize we can't have a yard sale.
Plus it's illegal.
My point is how did you, Malory, possibly set up a major drug deal? Oh, don't worry about that.
Kind of feel like I should.
Just worry about not screwing up this deal, because if all goes well, my contact's people may buy the rest.
And the sooner we sell this cocaine, the sooner we'll all be set for life.
And the sooner we can move out of this enormous Gilded Age mansion.
Which Where the hell is Woodhouse? In the pool.
Hello? I've finished! Jesus Christ, how long does it take him to move in? And so, the sooner you go to Miami Oh.
I'm sorry, let me eat 40 pounds of coke-filled rubbers and we're off.
Don't be ridiculous.
Hello, pregnant? Dr.
Krieger has devised a way to transport the cocaine undetected.
Oh.
You were serious? God damn it! Sometimes it's hard to tell with you! And since Carol insists on keeping Ms.
Gillette here as a voice coach Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti No, no, no, no! Again! Do And also since he's crippled.
Pam Will be going with you.
Kind of like the third Musketeer, huh? Kind of.
Hey, Pam, relax, breathe, you're doing fine.
But since that special "plaster" in your cast can totally be absorbed through the skin, you're probably gonna want to try to minimize the sweating.
Yeah, just think cool thoughts.
Like eating mint chocolate chip ice cream in your refrigerated drawer At the morgue.
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-) Do, re, mi, fa No! Again! My God, how I envy the deaf.
I hope you're a better lawyer than she is a singer.
Uh, I'd have to be.
And I will be, I'm pretty darn excited to be practicing law again.
I mean, hopefully I won't have to defend anybody in court But there's always a district attorney to blackmail, a witness to coerce, a judge to bribe.
Bribe with what? The government seized the ISIS accounts, we're broke.
Hopefully not for long.
And when that drug money starts pouring in, you'll be in charge of laundering.
Hmm.
I'll start looking for a Laundromat.
What? Money laundering, you ass! Oh, you mean as a front, because a Laundromat is a cash-based business.
Why don't I just leave that whole side of the organization to you? Only if you promise to periodically micromanage it and emasculate me.
Cyril, I would have thought that goes without saying.
Ugh! It smells like a skunk ape! Yeah, I'm hoping the mattresses are just mildewy, and not mildewy and dead-hookery.
No, not the room.
These.
Casts smell bad when you take them off.
It's a thing people know about! Yeah, after six weeks, not six hours! So, listen, about this deal Hang on.
Pam, chop, chop, torso! Ugh! This smells like a kennel, but for dogs that are poor.
Archer! What? Smell it.
Shut up, look.
Your mother's got the time in here, the place, price per kilo.
But there's nothing about her contact, no picture, not even a name.
What if this person is really a biker gang? Who gives a shit? Hang on.
Legs! Lana, you and I, more me, were two of the best secret agents in the world We were rogues.
Potato, puh-treason, whatever.
But we've been up against terrorists, assassins, the KGB, the IRA, remember, North Korea, cyborgs, uh, help me out.
Uh, space pirates? Oh, my God, I forgot about the space pirates! But the point is we are highly trained covert operatives with an extremely dangerous set of skills.
Pam, legs! And since the government has unjustly accused us of treason, we are now forced to transfer those skills from espionage to criminal activity.
Kind of like The A-Team, but we sell drugs.
And you're okay with that? Are you not? Lana, it's The A-Team meets Scarface! That makes me, uh Hannibal Montana? - What the Pam? - Huh? God damn it, tell me you're not Pam! Stop eating it, damn it! Pam? - Archer? - He's okay! He's okay, don't come in here, don't come in here, he's okay! Oh, shit.
What, I said don't come in here! Ugh! No, Leon! No, I'm honestly not judging you.
Really, so this super-judgy feeling I'm feeling is just me feeling like you're super-judgy and that's me? So, um, are you hearing your words? Are you shitting me? I can't hear anything over my To beat! You're fired back up! Boop! It's just we're, like, two days into this whole drug cartel thing, and you're already addicted to cocaine.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, so I should take life advice from an unwed mother? With a dirty car? ls he dead? No.
He looks dead.
He's not.
I think he's dead.
Pam! - ls he a zombie? - Pam! Sterling? Sterling, can you hear me? Ramón? You two know each other? Shut your hole, am I dying? No, amigo.
But I'm so cold.
Oh! Um She insisted.
So we could unfreeze you in the future, once medical science had developed a cure for head smash.
And you Acquiesced.
She's all coke-strong.
So, yes, I am your mother's contact.
After Fidel's hit men tried to kill me Ugh, Charles and Rudi, those dicks.
I wonder what ever happened to Anyway, I go into hiding, change my name, buy this business with some little money I borrow from Mama Hey, how is your mother? Jesus! All right, already! Thank you.
So, she telephone me, ask if I know some maybe people, I say yes, I know some maybe people, and here we are.
And, sorry, you're getting out of this maybe what? Lana! He's helping a dear friend! And also how you say, a finder's fee? Five thousand a kilo.
Oh.
Because I want to buy that place.
- Oh, man! - Awesome.
Nice, eh? ls the best club in Miami.
Uh, duh! You need investors? Archer, what're you Lana, we're gonna need an office in Miami, and that office is gonna need to be a red leather banquette! Dios mío, that would be increíble! You and me, together at last.
implying that you two haven't ever, cough, been together, or It was a mission, Lana! Ramon's Latino, so he's comfortable expressing affection! It doesn't make him gay! Although I am.
So go ahead, Lana, judge away! Right? Pam, shut up.
And Archer, you know better.
I don't care about that.
What I do care about are these buyers of yours, Ramón.
Who are they? Just some guys.
We'll go see them, they're cool, don't worry about it.
Kind of feel like I should.
Lana, Ramón vouches for them, I vouch for him, and you're embarrassing me.
I am? That's flour, by the way.
I know.
Don't you think I know that? I know it's bad, I'm not ear-crippled! Well, then maybe being a Not a.
The number one country music singer in all of America and some of Canada! Well, what if maybe that goal's not realistic? Or even unlaughable? Get out! Wait, seriously? Yes, they were very clear, no guns.
But I gave mi palabra.
Right, sorry.
Archer.
Lana, he gave his palabra! If anything goes wrong, I'm holding you responsible.
Yeah, that'll teach me.
Hmm.
Tough day, huh? The high point was getting shot at.
It's so weird.
I mean, she's a billionaire, she could be anything, a world traveler, an art collector A transatlantic goddamn balloonist! So, why does she want to be a country singer so badly? Besides being clinically insane.
Yeah.
Here's to the crazy ones.
Urn That stinks! It's not that bad! I mean, it's not great, but This is still some primo shit.
Pam! Quit eating all the goddamn cocaine! Yeah, save some for us, bitches! Charles and Rudi? Wait, the hit men? It's okay! Yeah, we're like BFF's now.
What? Well Or whatever.
Here's your fondue set, and was there only one blue fork? What the hell? And how is that tone necessary? Thank you.
It's a fork.
And there were two of each color, and you know this as well as me because we stood in my kitchen and counted.
Oh! Well, then I apologize, and I'll be happy to throw in another $5.
$80.
For a fork? You can't buy only one blue fork! You have to buy the whole set! Oh! That is Okay.
That's Okay, okay, you know what? Fine.
We'll call it $1 million and $80! Well, there is a small problem there.
We agreed on 50 grand a kilo! And 50 times 20 I think we're probably a little closer to 19 and a half.
Okay, a couple Q's, I'd love some A's.
One, what the hell is that thing? Uh, we made a body cast out of the coke.
But I tested it, it's very pure.
Hmm.
Okay.
Two, how can you eat a pound of cocaine and not be dead? I've actually never felt better! I hope that lasts.
Oh, I'm sure it will.
Okay, here's the dilly and the sweets.
We're gonna round that down to 19 kilos even, so I'll just take back 50 grand-.
Way to go, Pam.
And since the coke's in the shape of a Poppin' Fresh costume and taint sweaty, I'm taking off another 50.
The hell you are! Can I finish? Can I finish? Since Ramón gave his word that you people wouldn't bring any guns Hey, we didn't, not even my underwear gun.
I gave mi palabra.
Well, that is just terrific, because, you dum-dums, we're gonna go ahead and take the cocaine and the money.
God damn it.
And so, right about here is the part where I hold you responsible.
Oh, my God, the burden.
Make sure you take the fondue set Can I finish? And I'll take the fondue set because you were a total B-hole about the fork.
It's not even real Le Creuset.
Right? Of course it's real.
Ramón? Just because it's from the outlet store doesn't mean Ramón! What? Sterling, are you angry with me? Wait, you don't think this is my fault? Sterling, please! This is loco! No, Ramón, getting my stolen money back isn't loco, it's Wait, what's the word for rational? God damn it.
What was loco was trusting you! How can you say that? To Ramón, of all people! Look, I don't know what kind of history you two have together, but History? What're you trying to That's crazy, we didn't even kiss! Do you even hear how crazy you sound? Do you? I don't know, yes, shut up.
Ramón, I'm sorry, but this whole thing is kind of your fault, so you're taking us to wherever Charles and Rudi are having a money fight with our million bucks.
A million and 80.
All right, uno rampageeo! Okay, Lana Votes we cut our losses and go home, while reminding you, seemingly unnecessarily, that she is pregnant.
Oh, my God.
How long are you gonna use that for an excuse? Probably at least through childbirth.
Oh.
You were serious? All right, I'm going home, but What's her problem? Uh Scotch.
And also maybe post-traumatic stress disorder from listening to Carol? Yep, yep, Yep! But how is that possible? I've got the whole house wired up.
Bedrooms, bathrooms, bathrooms, other bathrooms, oh, the swimming pool.
Help! I meant, ass Ow! how is she singing so well? Probably because she doesn't know anyone's watching.
You'd be amazed what you people do when you think you're alone.
Cyril.
What? Damn it, Krieger, you Ow! Turn it up! Oh, my God.
This is exactly howl pictured their house.
Oh, wait until you see inside, Dios mío, they just redid the kitchen.
What, just because you have no taste? Or patience, so if you could hurry up and get our money And cocaine and cocaine, get the Oh, my God.
Lana, Lana, you know what I could totally go for right now? Some cocaine? Right? Did I tell you? Here, give me your gun.
Now push that button, right there.
This is the best kitchen ever! Oh, mercy, thank you You know, if we could go back in time, there's a few things we'd change.
God damn it.
But overall, we're pretty happy.
Even though it's gonna be a bitch to scrub your brains out of the grout.
Charles, por favor! You have your cocaine, just give them their money! Okay, sure, we've got it right here.
Oh, great, yes, and we've got about a five-hour flight home with Pam Cocaine.
So can you throw in a pound of coke? Can I? I totally insist! Oh.
So, you're being facetious.
Extremely, yes.
A, the coke is gone.
What? What do you mean, gone? Oh, it's not gone, gone, just you-know-who has it.
What, Ramón? Who is you-know-who? Uh You still get your cut, 'cause you-know-who says good job on you-know-what! What? Ramón! Ramón! Sterling.
Dios mío, I'm sorry.
Sorry, baby, sorry, baby, sorry, baby, sorry, baby, sorry, baby.
Lana! Get cocaine! Oh, Sterling, I'm so cold.
What, like hearted? Ramón, what the hell, was this all a scam, or No, no, I swear, it's just muy complicado.
I am sorry, I cannot explain right now.
Oh, really? Why, because you're Dying, right, sorry.
Take the money.
God knows you've earned it.
All I ask is one small favor.
Before I die Yes, Ramón, I'll do anything! You name it, kid, savings bond, a puppy, breastfeed you senseless, just forgive me for what's about to happen.
So, um, quick question.
Why the hell were you kissing him? With what appeared to be tongue.
Because it was muy complicado, Lana! And the last wish of a dying man! Who you had a crush on.
No, I Just go smoke some menthols! All right, Sterling, calm down.
My God, it's not as if I care.
As long As long as I brought back the money! Is that what you were going to say? Yes.
And I don't have time for this, I have a country music star to manage.
Says you! Says your contract, missy! Read it! You read it! God damn it.
And, I'm sorry, but the money is where, exactly? Um In your masturbators, you idiot.
Oh, I'm the idiot? I mean, historically.
Well, I'm not the one who sold 20 kilos of coke for Monopoly money! What? It's counterfeit! Every last bill! No! No way.
Son of a Sterling, you fool, was this all just a huge set-up? For what, Mother, a funeral? They're all dead! Yeah, but are they? We got out of there in a hurry.
Ramón! Will you come on? But the gunshots, all the blood.
Blood packs and blanks.
Even Ramón? Especially Ramón.
I bet the whole thing was his idea.
Aha! You're forgetting a key piece of the puzzle, Lana! They'd already stolen our coke, and they had the money! Why go to the trouble of a fake shootout? See what I'm saying? But this way, we have 20 kilos of pure, uncut, Colombian cocaine.
Holy shit, yes! Which we had already stolen, so we still would've had it! Plus the counterfeit million dollars, which now we don't have! Like, 50 times I tried to explain this! Hmm.
Yes, I see now what you are saying.
Ta-da! Jesus, it's like trying to explain particle physics to a particle.
Aha! But this way, my way, Archer thinks we are dead.
So he will never think to come looking for us again! It was still a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid plan.
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)