Archer s05e05 Episode Script

Archer Vice: Southbound and Down

Okay, specs are all in the green.
So let me just reboot the CPU and Beep-boop.
You are no longer a cripple.
One, two, three.
Well? Well? Well, you could've done this weeks ago, so it's about goddamn time! Ooh! Hang on a sec.
Yeah, touchy thing, bionics.
You were saying? Thank you.
No, what were you saying like you meant it? Thank you, Krieger, for once again giving me the precious gift of legs.
You're welcome.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to remove my underwear with a blowtorch.
Ha! Perfect, this is absolutely perfect! Cherlene! Ow! Come on! Seriously, thanks for the deaf baby.
Oh, shut up What? Goddamn, woman, inside voice! How would you, my little country songbird, like to be on Travis County Limits? Ooh! ls that like Austin City Limits? It's comparable, hush.
Cherlene? I don't know.
I guess.
You would be wonderful, and it would be wonderful publicity, and wonderful! All right, when is it? It tapes tomorrow night, but we should leave today.
I don't want you flying the same day you're performing.
Oh, don't worry about that because Cherlene don't fly.
Airplane air is so dry, plus you're breathing in God knows what those tuberculars in coach are.
Excuse me? I don't fly.
But I've seen you fly! Well, maybe you saw Cheryl fly.
In a helicopter, the space shuttle.
Cyril choke-banged you on a blimp? Oh, come on, we were all thinking it! What, how are you all so goddamn loud? Could you not find a punch bowl? It was too heavy.
And also too spilly.
Now, what's with all the yelling? I booked Cherlene on Travis County Limits ls that like It's comparable! But it's tomorrow night and she refuses to fly! Wait, really? So you've only got Well, 36, but But after we get a bus and a blocker car, it'll be 24, right? What? Oh, God, no.
Yes! Archer? Lana! Sterling! What are you talking about? Smokey and the Goddamn Bandit.
What? We're going eastbound and down I will never understand his idiotic fascination with all this Burt Reynolds, Smokey trucker nonsense.
I think part of it is because you didn't get him that C.
McHaul toy truck he wanted for his birthday.
He was 30! Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-) And words fail me.
I have no words.
How about 10-goddamn-four? How about how much did this cost? How about a Jacuzzi, bitches? Whoo! You know what they say, you can't put a price on free advertising.
No, they don't, and free this isn't! Exactly.
How much are they paying Cherlene? It's public television, they don't pay anything! All they do is suck money in! They take our taxes Or donations, or whatever.
Of pre-tax dollars! From pot-taking Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes it all in with their huge NEA grants, launders it in inner-city methadone clinics, and pumps it right back out to pro-abortion super PACs! Still no words.
And, wow, maybe I have aphasia.
Where do you think you're going? She's driving the bus, Mother, get on the bus.
Lana, you're riding with me.
In what? In the blocker car, duh, if Cyril didn't just break the stupid axle.
The what? Okay, first of all How much did that cost? Well, again, it's advertising, so For what? Hmm.
I guess Pontiac? God.
And where are you going? Well, speaking for the tiny, delicate life blossoming inside me, nowhere in a car with T-tops and a four-barrel.
Who's going to do snappy dialogue with me, underscored by sexual attraction? I'm so angry right now I can't even Oh, God damn it! Did you fart in that? Damn it, Cyril, slow down! Cyril, do nothing of the sort! Because if we miss that taping, I won't be responsible for my actions.
Are you ever? She said, single and pregnant.
Oh, wait.
Can you two please go anywhere else? It's bad enough I have to drive 24 hours straight.
Well, Krieger said he needed Ray's help on some sort of project.
This quit being funny two hours ago! It's not supposed to be funny! So shut up and drive the damn bus! Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about Cherlene getting a record deal.
Right, and your 10% of it.
Or 50, or whatever.
What? Fifty? Really? Who're you, Colonel Mom Parker? Nothing? Meh.
And not that I care what any of you think about anything, but I lost everything when the feds took ISIS, and Ron took what little I had left, so now I need to make it back somehow! And I'm not doing that selling cocaine, thanks to Sterling, who, unbelievably, is even worse at this than at spying! Hey, so Yeah, hi, I think maybe somebody's holding down the talk-button thingy? Oh! Sorry, Archer.
Exactly the opposite of how it works.
What? Oh! Sorry, Archer.
Ten-four, good buddy.
Sterling? Well, he can't hear you now, I Ow! Ow! Whose ring is that, the pope's? Shut up.
Seriously, though.
I'm sorry you heard her say that, that's gotta be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack.
Well, I guess it would be, if A, I weren't the world's greatest spy.
Shut up, and B, if they weren't sitting on 100 pounds of coke! What? Affirmatory, good buddy! Holy dickburn! So you got a buyer lined up in Texas and everything? Well, not exactly, or at all, but Pam, come on, we're talking about Texas.
Somebody somewhere wants enough cocaine to forget they live there.
Yeah, but not Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire town that wants to commit suicide.
Wonder if there's a state-wide database of towns with sucky high school football teams cross-indexed with towns a black person just moved to.
Jesus, Pam, l was kidding.
Me too, lickbag.
Well, but see if there is one, just for shits and giggles.
So, hey, speaking of The hat fart was technically a shart? How are you still single? Right? - Cyril! - What? God damn it! I'm sorry! What the hell is going on up here? I must've dozed off! Really? You don't just hate signs? No, Lana, I don't Ow! In addition to sushi, booze and soft cheeses, I'm also supposed to abstain from bus crashes.
So stay awake.
I'm trying, but 18 hours? I don't know how Pam's doing it.
Seriously? Whoo! What the Hey, sleepyhead! Welcome to Texas! Already? What the shit, Pam? That's how we do backseat drivers.
I was driving! Yeah, and sucking at it.
God damn it.
How long was I out? Like 12 hours.
Five states, a dozen cupcakes, a bunch of truck stops.
Breaker, breaker, you got your ears on, Snowball? Come back.
Hang on.
Your handle is Snowball? Like Jerry Reed's character in the Smokey-verse? Who? Oh.
ls it from the cupcakes? Cupcakes? No.
Then what's it Truck stops are crazy awesome! This is Snowball, good buddy! Might want to check your six, Snowball.
Is that about the shart? What? No, lickbag! It was a reasonable assumption.
What the Looks like you got a chain gang knocking on your back door.
Bikers? What the hell do they want? I think they want us to pull over! Obviously, you idiot! - But why? - Kidnapping! It's a kidnapping, it's a kidnapping, to kidnap me, Cherlene! Why would bikers want to kidnap you? Why would anyone? Yeah, you're not even famous.
Yet! Duh.
Neither was Frank Sinatra Jr.
Now pull over! We are not Hey, Treebeard! Take me with you! You can do unspeakable things to and/or on me! You're not getting kidnapped just to boost your singing career! Well, now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute! Did you tell anybody we were hauling a shitload of coke? Uh Maybe? Maybe? Or definitely, or whatever.
God damn it, Pam! I wanted people to like me! People who like you because you have cocaine aren't people you want as friends, Pam.
And not to sound elitist, but neither are people who need a roll of quarters to take a shower! It's not just a shower, it's more communal, like a Japanese onsen, or Wow! I didn't think it was possible, but I somehow just got even angrier! What the heck are you looking for? Gun! Gun, gun, gun, gun, Cyril, look out! No! They're shooting at them! And I'd love nothing more than to shoot back, Pam, but somehow I can't find my gun! Huh.
For the love of God, just pull over! Uh, okay! Cyril, do not stop this bus! Okay! Let's just give them Cherlene, that is the very definition of a win-win! Yes! Why do you always ruin everything for me? Why do you always never shut up? Because where the hell is my gun? Are you, like, sure you brought it? Move.
Oh, shut up.
Where's my gun, Pam? What, did you spit it in some trucker's mouth, too? Okay, so, apparently a big thing at truck stops is a game called craps.
And apparently I'm not good at it.
Lana, Lana, Lana! Thank you, Cyril.
I have eyeballs! Yeah, bitch, that's how I roll, shit! Because even a goddamn baby knows in craps you never bet on the hard way.
Ow! Oh Shit! Shit! You mad? Give you three guesses, Pam.
No? No? No? Wrong, Pam.
Although I bet I'm not as mad as Mother's going to be when I tell her this was all your fault! Come on, Archer, don't do that! That's not what good buddies do.
Okay, first of all, you have wildly misjudged our relationship! Archer! Lana! Yeah, you're one to talk.
And you're lucky I don't have my gun! And just why the hell don't you? Yeah, tell them why that is, Pam! Oh, come on, please? Oh! I didn't think l would need it.
You didn't think? Well, it's a good damn thing I ain't paying you to think! Yeah, you're not actually pay Ow! The quite-soon- to-be-number-one country singer in America? And you don't think I'm a kidnapping risk? Wait, you do? Yeah, I'm with Archer, I think those bikers just wanted to rob us, or What? I mean, that's just absolutely crazy, we have nothing! Well, l would like to revisit this whole kidnapping idea when we have more time, but she still has a show in two hours and we've still got l think about And one extremely flat tire, so.
Fix it! I will be on my tour bus, putting whiskey and glue inside me.
You heard her.
Fix it.
Yeah, you guys chill on the bus, I'll help lickbag here change the tire.
Sorry, I had to sell it.
Chop, chop, get the lead out, lickbag! And what's with the "lickbag“ stuff? It's your CB handle! I told it to everybody from here to Kentucky! Good buddy.
Okay, that's got it.
Well, it took you long enough.
Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes start to finish, what an incompetent boob.
Your words.
You know Can we freaking go already? Yeah, what you waiting for, lickbag? Ahem.
So, I think we may have a problem.
Yeah, no shit.
I keep waiting for her to have a heart attack, but Not Pam.
Yay! The cops.
Boo! Oh, shit! Yeah, I'm going to pull over No! No! Curtain is in 10 minutes! What do you want me to do, run from the cops? I want you to take that exit for the venue! Let Sterling deal with this in that ridiculous blocker car.
Yeah, good, you guys get outta here, we'll lure them away and outrun them! In this shit-heap? Are you nuts? Are you? You want them to get pulled over with 50 pounds of cocaine? What? What? Or kilos, or whatever.
You put 50 kilos of cocaine on this bus without my permission? Sterling? You have to press the button.
The what? You dated Burt Reynolds! They don't have the coke, lickbag! We do! Right here in the Trans Am! Well, then, problem solved.
So, I have a question.
I switched the coke in Little Rock, 'cause I was worried that That because of your fat blabbering mouth, Lana would get caught with it and have to have her baby in prison? Or because you were low on cupcakes? Does the why really matter? Eastbound and down Loaded up and trucking We gonna do what they say can't be done! We got a long way to go And a short time to get there Check it out, lickbag, Cherlene wrote a song about us! What She didn't write a That's from Smokey and the God damn it! What the shit, Snidely Whiplash? Now both of our cars are messed up! I just leveled the playing field! Oh, my God, I can't feel my face! Gee, Pam, l wonder if that's got anything to do with your cocaine-only diet! Well? It's a small price to pay for beauty! Damn it! Man, and here you are without your gun, that's pretty ironic, huh? No, Pam, once again you're confusing the word "ironic" with "You are an idiot!" What's ironic is that every other store we drive by is a gun shop! Oh.
Okay, so then what's satire? Nobody really knows! Hang on! And then back up a second, you're endangering your life for beauty? Yes, duh! Look, how hot am I now? Let me answer that for you! As balls! That's why everybody likes me now! Who, your trucker buddies? They only like you because you have coke, Pam.
Well, and the snowballs, but And for what it's worth, we all kind of liked you the way you were! Really? Well, we hated you less.
You kind of turned into a ginormous asshole.
Yeah, with ginormous big tittays.
For Pam, who cares? That's just subcutaneous adipose tissue! Albeit a shitload of it.
But I can't bang you if you die from an overdose! Aw! You wanna bang me? Obviously! I mean, look at those big bastards! Sucks we're gonna go to prison, though.
Prison? But it's my first offense! Well, except for treason.
But explain all that to the Brazos County judge, and maybe he'll Wait a minute, we're in Travis County! Why does their car say "Brazos County"? Give you three guesses! Crooked cops? Yes! Hang on! I still got two Pam, get the coke! Yeah! Holy coke-snacks, enable the shit out of me! Not to snort, you idiot! Well, I don't wanna shoot it, that seems like a pretty slippery slope! Pam, any cocaine is a slippery slope! It's the world's most addictive drug! Hang on, I heard it was nicotine.
It may very well be, Pam! But in our current situation, I would argue that cocaine is more dangerous, because we're about to get murdered for it! Yeah, but not overall, is what I'm Pam! They don't want us, they just want the coke, so throw it! Out! Of the car? Pam! Jeez, okay! But you're gonna owe me! What could I possibly owe you? I believe there was some mention of bone-throwing? Okay, yeah, that seems like a win-win.
Whoo-hoo! Thank you! Good night, Travis County! There will be no encore! Whoo! Wait, what? Outlaw country! No, no, no, you don't walk off after one song.
You get back out there this instant.
What are you doing? Uh, it's called cultivating mystique.
But It's also called sniffing a shit-ton of glue in my tour bus hot tub because I personify outlaw country.
The Outlaw country! Whoo! Howdy, Tony Foti, Stringer Records, and I wanna make that little gal famous! Are you her manager, Mrs Oh, no, it's actually Ms.
It's actually Mrs.
Will you put a It genuinely does not matter.
But gimme a call when y'all are ready to make some gold records.
Yee-haw! Ooh! Well, that went better than expected.
Yeah, maybe you can use the gold records to pay Archer and Pam's bail.
I actually don't think you can.
Plus, there's no need.
Wait, what? Sterling! Yeah, no, everything is totally fine now, and we totally got away.
So, all set.
Yes, but how? The police were right behind you.
Which is right where I wanted them, so I could go old-school Bandit.
With an inverted triple Needham.
Well, it was your own fault for bringing cocaine without asking, but I suppose all's well that ends well.
Well, except for Pam? All's well that ends well.
But what about the 100 pounds of coke you dumped on the highway? What? Pam! Looks like old Snowball done it again! Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
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