Archer s07e04 Episode Script

Motherless Child

1 I can't, I gotta go drive my car now, I got-- Huh? I dunno, ask her.
I gotta drive my automobile, on road! [laughs.]
What? Are you shitting me? Pfff, see about this bullshit.
[car horn honking.]
Hey! Yeah, that's the ol' pepper! [chuckling.]
Take me to my house that I live in! [giggles.]
Oh, oh my God, rumaki.
Do you smell that? Uh, I did not, actually.
Matter of fact, I can't smell anything.
Wha--? Barry? [laughs.]
Hey, dummy.
No, no, no.
[high-pitched whining.]
[voice muffled.]
You say "bulletproof?" [Barry, muffled.]
You can't tell, can you? You think I'm gonna be that dumb? Oh, my God.
not really surprising.
Bet you're surprised to see me though, huh? Yes, I am, Barry, because I blew your ass up in a grain elevator! Oww! [brakes screeching.]
Yeah, Archer, I remember.
Every time I look in the goddamn mirror! The-- Wait, are you invisible now? No, you idiot! I'm just a walking titanium endoskeleton.
So, do you clank, or-- Oww! [brakes screeching.]
Yes, dickhole, I clank! Happy? I mean-- Well, I'm not! And ya wanna know why? Because, not even in this order, you shot me, shattered both my femurs, cornholed both my fiancées, got me turned into a robot, left me to die in outer frickin' space! And also blew me up in a grain elevator! [slurping.]
Oh my God, Framboise! Remember her? Yes, Archer, I do.
And that alone would be reason enough to kill you! But that is not why I came to L.
Well, if it was to see the Aztecs play, I got some bad news.
Will you shut up? I came out here to find someone.
And then I saw this little guy.
[Barry laughing.]
Oh, for-- Goddamn it, Pam! I can't believe you're a private eye.
Well, it's better than driving a cab! I don't drive a cab, super sleuth! This is just a ruse.
I clamped your car.
Why? Because, you giant flapping anus, I wanna hire you! I-- Look, not many people know this, all right, but I grew up in an orphanage.
I never met my mother, and I always felt like I was missing a big piece of, not me, necessarily, but the me I could've been, ya know? And maybe I brought some of this on myself, but I feel that there's a better other Barry in here.
If I could just reconnect with my birth mother, maybe, just maybe, we could find him.
Okay! Barry, oh man, I mean how could it occur to you for a nanosecond that I would help you? Hey, I'm coming to you as a man here.
No, you're not.
You're coming to me as a robot mummy! Oh my God, who's-- Archer, no! Who's got-- Don't you say it! No mummy! [laughing.]
Okay, so now we're doing this.
[laughter continues.]
[brakes screech.]
[groaning continues.]
Bawk, bawk.
Ugh, what is this, a stairs factory? Ugh! Oh.
Oh, hey.
So, this is Crab Rangoon, it is going in the refrigerator, and it is very much mine.
Any questions? Krieger, looking at you.
Okay, then.
Oh, and so guess who I saw last night? Uh, Barry? Yeah, wait, how'd you-- [Barry.]
Wha--? [chuckling.]
Hey, dummy.
You cyborg son of a bitch! [All.]
No, no, no! Don't! We already tried that! Yeah, so, uh, you wanna throw it at me now? You know, like the old-timey Superman mov-- That was obviously sarcasm.
And yet almost as satisfying as not helping you find your stupid mother, which there's no way I'm gonna do! Well, you say that Archer.
Carol? Her name's Cher-- Pam, shut up! [Malory.]
Help! Mother? She can't hear you.
Help! Mother! Still can't hear you.
Where is that? Where is she? Carol? She's about ten feet below that.
What? What is that? It's a generator running an air pump! Which is pumping air to Carol? [Archer.]
You son of a-- Wait, how did you do all this since just last night? Huh? Oh no, no, no.
I've been planning this for weeks.
I knew when I asked you for help you'd be a big, weeping dick.
Barry, listen to me.
Okay, but remember, we don't have a lot of time here.
That generator's only got about 12 more hours' worth of fuel, and once it runs out [chuckles.]
No! Yeah.
You animal! Pfff, a robot's like the furthest thing you can be from an anim-- Oww! Seriously.
So if you wanna find your mother-- [roars.]
[group gasps.]
So, if we're done with the heroics For now at least, yeah, I think so.
Good, because just to reiterate Time's a bit of a factor here.
Hello? Who are you? Why won't you answer me? What do you want? [sobs.]
Ow! Quit squeezing the puppy, Lennie! Oh hush, you big baby.
It's just a through-and-through.
Yes, which means both holes hurt! Hey, I know you're upset, but we are gonna find Barry's mother, and Malory is gonna be okay.
Now, I believe there was some mention of holes? [sighs.]
Phrasing, boom.
That's the spirit.
Shut up.
And then talk again, but only to help me think of a way to kill Barry.
Why don't we just find his mother? Why, just so she can bury him? Yeah, because trying to kill Barry has gone so well for you in the past.
Yeah, Lana, but this time it's, um [chuckles.]
Were you gonna say, "This time it's personal"? [chuckling.]
Yeah, but I didn't.
[clears throat.]
But also it is.
Because here's my concern The orphanage where you grew up burned down.
Shut up, and all the records were lost in the fire, so not only do you not know your birth mother's name No.
You don't know the hospital where you were born.
Or the town, or even the county.
Or even your actual date of birth! I-- Look, if this was easy I wouldn't have to bury ladies out in the desert! Yeah, so did she struggle? Did you have to punch her in her bony face? No, Creepy Spice, I used chloroform.
Yeah, her husband didn't even wake up.
Damn machine.
You need a Ph.
for this thing.
It's like the Univac.
It says here "grind.
" It's already ground from the store! I just want it to drip, but there's no button for drip! What are you, in the shower? Hello? Do I need to mess with "program"? And because it was a closed adoption with any record of it sealed, we need to basically hack into the state's vital records database, and comb through millions of records! Yeah, so then do that.
I-- [sighs.]
But even if we could hack in-- Their password security's probably just eight-bit, so I'd suggest a combination of dictionary attack, reverse cryptographic hash function, and good old-fashioned brute force.
Oh, we can do that? Lemon squeezy.
Oh, okay, but my larger, sort of overall concern is that it's a felony.
Well, but so is painting the walls in here with you people's tiny brains.
[all gasp.]
Yeah, so whaddya say we "get crackin'"? [chuckles.]
See what I did there? Pun-wise? Samuel Johnson tells us that puns are the lowest form of comedy, but for me it's murder.
Damn it, people, my mother is buried alive! What is taking so long? We're going as fast as we can! And why is it so frickin' hot? What? Why do you think? To crack the password we need every last bit of this computing power! Still though It is pretty hot.
Sweet Jesus Metal Christ! Whoa, my God! What's the matter? C'mon, Lana.
It's nothing you haven't seen before.
Wait, what? Yeah, dude, me and her b-b-b-boned.
What? Did I know this? When was this? Way back! When he was, ya know What, back when I was what, Lana? Human? I mean-- I still have feelings! Well, then put some damn clothes on! No, no! You can just feast your beady little eyes on my endoskeleton! [excitedly gasps.]
Here's an idea! Turn on the A/C! [Pam.]
Yeah, right! We're way over maximum voltage.
I got about a buck-fifty in pennies crammed in the fusebox as it is.
[all groaning.]
Oh, relax.
Worst case, an innocent migrant farmhand goes to turn on the milking machine and gets electrocuted.
What? I mean, worst case we fry some circuits.
Hmm What? I mean, how's Mother? I wanna see her, put her up on the monitor.
Okay! But just for a second.
Oh and keep it on "mute.
" Carol.
[all groaning.]
[Barry chuckles.]
Yeah, she's really losing her shit.
hunt you bastards down and have your guts for garters, you hear me? My God, get it together.
You've been in tighter spots than this.
East Berlin, Warsaw.
Ugh, Khartoum? At least this time you're not hooked up to a car battery.
Or up to your ankles in camel blood.
And whoever these bastards are, they must not want you dead just yet.
But what do they want? And where is this? [sighs.]
Well, it's hard to say, really.
I mean, we're computating as fast as we can, but every possible permutation of this password is something on the order of ten to the ninth power, so-- Got it! Wait, what? Wait, what? [muttering.]
Whoo! Can't hear anything.
Although I can feel just the slightest draft, but [deep sniff.]
Maybe a hint of diesel? Doesn't help much, that could be anywhere.
Although "anywhere" usually has some kind of sounds.
Traffic, birds, a train.
Here there's just nothing.
Could-- Damn it, I'm underground! But what kind of sick, twisted, bastard Whoo! Barry's baggin' some tea! [thrusting sounds.]
I suppose there's really no telling.
You spend your whole life in espionage, you're going to make a few enemies.
But kiddo, you're not gonna sit here on your keister waiting to find out who's behind this.
Step one.
And now for step two.
[inhales, grunts.]
Step two's always a bitch.
All right, now step three.
Okay, so now what, now what? Well, I think the first thing we should do is make Pam put on some clothes.
Don't try to body shame me! Dog Tits! Yeah, shut up.
So now, we have to go through all these millions of records line by line, looking for any records with your given name, and hope we can cross-reference that to find some record of your birth mother's name.
What? How long is that gonna take? I-- Awhile, Archer.
Oh, well then, can I borrow Krieger? No.
How does that help the situation? It helps my leg, Cyril, which I think might be turning septic, thanks to your new best friend, Darth Barry! You do realize I'm not that kind of a doc-- Krieger, break room now, goddamn it! So, is it cool if I-- Yeah, but give him some morphine or something to shut him up, 'cause I've really got this warm, hopeful feeling right now, and I kinda feel like it's gonna be ruined if I have to pull his spine out through his face.
Um, and also can I go to the bathroom? No.
Then why does Archer get to do whatever he wants plus morphine when you're not even my robot supervisor! Okay, Jesus, go to the bathroom.
Well, if she's going-- Everybody go to the damn bathroom! Go crazy, use the frickin' bidet! I'm not the one running out of oxygen here.
Oh right, I forgot about Miss Archer.
Although [grunts.]
step three's no prize.
Aha! And now, for these damn cuffs! [Krieger.]
You lost me.
I want you to Edison this elephant.
Nope, still lost.
Thomas Edison! Remember? When he killed that elephant by jamming a big, fat electric cable up its asshole? What? Yeah.
The kindly Wizard of Menlo Park, bought a sweet old circus elephant just to murder it.
Now I want you to figure out a way to zap Barry with enough juice to shut down his CPU.
Uh, okay, like-- Like, just brick him.
[zapping sound.]
But the KGB built him.
I'm sure all his circuits are shielded.
It would take like, gigawatts worth of volts.
Okay, that doesn't sound right.
It's not.
But how many volts do you think we have with two pounds of pennies jammed in the fusebox? Hmm, and if I routed it all to a single circuit, like the dimmer switch in the bullpen, maybe spilled an electrolytic solution on the floor for good measure, and get Barry to touch said dimmer switch Wait, what happened to jamming a big, fat electric cable up his asshole? Well, A, I don't think he even has an asshole, not that I was looking, and B, a dimmer switch is way easier.
Okay, but-- But wait, if you fry Barry's CPU, he can't tell you where Miss Archer is! Well, I'll worry about that bridge when I come to it! I kinda think you should worry about it before then.
Krieger, if I worried about a fraction of the stuff I should be worried about, I'd never get anything done! I know, but-- Oh my God, BPA! I-- Transgendered frogs! [frog bribbit.]
Shh, shh, shh.
What? I said I'm in love with Barry.
[toilet flushes.]
I knew that was coming.
Oh, my tits, what? How could-- He's a frickin machine! Well, Ray, a machine is like a desert.
Either it fascinates or appalls you.
What? It's not "noice!" Noyce.
How could you be attracted to a homicidal maniac? No, that's a quote by Wilfrid Noyce.
Really? What? Yes! The mountaineer? Yes! Well, here's a quote by me: Barry's about to violate the First Law of Robotics [whispers.]
on my vagina.
Ha! Now just to see where the hell I am What? Oh, for the love! Although, no matter who or what ends up killing me, you could probably paint that on the wall.
The idiot.
Let's go, people.
The clock is ticking.
Tick tock, tick tock.
Name something a clock would say.
Barry, you could, ya know, help! [chuckles.]
I'm too wound up! Name something a clock would-- Ray.
I could maybe help you unwind.
Didn't I murder you one time? Maybe [Archer.]
Carol! Get back to work, what are you doing? What are you doing? Well, you guys were all pretty sweaty, so I brought you some Sports Drank to-- Oh, damn it! Damn.
Damn it! Probably because it's so dark in here.
Yeah, Archer, it is getting dark, which means your mommy is running out of both time and oxygen! It also means potentially dangerous eye-strain for these hardworking folks, Barry.
So why don't you go over there and turn up that dimmer? You turn up the damn dimmer! No, Barry, you do it! Ugh, Jesus, I'll turn up the stupid dimmer.
Carol, no! Don't touch that dimmer! Wait a minute Why do you want me to touch the light switch? Hm? And all the sports drank conveniently spilled on the floor, full of electrolytes? Is it? Are you trying to electrocute me? [gasps.]
What, no! [Krieger screams.]
Apparently not.
If I was electrocuted, how the hell were you gonna find your mother? So there were a couple of holes! [Pam.]
Wait, are we doing-- Jesus! You were willing to risk that? Oh, that is classic you! A mother! The one thing I've been searching for my entire goddamn life, and you take it for granted! Just like you do with everything else! Shut up! Well, guess what! You take your mother for granted? Fine! Good luck finding her without the coordinates! [all gasping.]
What the shit? I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
First thing, I'm taking a long hot bath with a nice stiff drink.
And then I'm going to kill everybody! Yeah? Well, get in line, lady! [all.]
Hey, whoa! Calm down! After I kill all you idiots, I'm-- [Pam.]
I found her! [all muttering.]
Found who? Your mom! At least I think I did.
[all chattering.]
Let me see.
So, the Hide-A-Wee Home For Children That's where I grew up! Took in a newborn baby, born at County Hospital close to your dates, who was christened Bartholomew Aloysius Dylan.
That's me! Little baby Barty D.
! And, according to County Hospital's records, the baby was put up for adoption by a young woman named You sure you wanna know this? [gunfire.]
[all clamoring.]
Tammy Jo Stamps, age 16.
Holy shitsnacks! And she's still alive, you guys! She lives in L.
! [all muttering.]
Well? What are you waiting for? You got what you wanted! Go to her! Just go! I mean, yeah, right? I mean, right? Well, I mean, yeah, but But what? I mean, you can't go like that.
Why, what are you Oh my God, I look like the Terminator! Well, a Terminator.
I think I may have just the thing.
Okay, I was kinda saving this for this other thing, but anyhoo.
[all gasping.]
What the shit, Krieger? What? Why do you have our heads? And hands.
What, it's for this other nothing.
So! Who's it gonna be, big guy? [chuckling.]
Holy shit, now I know you're crazy.
What, you thought I'd pick you? I mean Or Gillette? [chuckles.]
The poor man's Frank Langella? Oh my God, I am.
No, this is the face.
How do I look? [all muttering.]
Yeah, right? Okay, so Wow! Off to meet my birth mother.
Wish me luck, friends! [all.]
Good luck.
Thanks, guys! [brakes screeching.]
Oh! [Barry.]
I'm okay! [sarcastic muttering.]
Like a bad penny.
Oh, shit! The pennies! [Lana.]
So, what did we learn? [muttering.]
I learned Wow.
Nothing? Nope.
I learned that the cabinet of Dr.
Krieger is full of our faces.
And hands.
I-- Look, don't worry about it.
I really feel like we should.
Oh, you worry about everything.
Oh, shit! I hope Mother's okay.
[dopey laugh.]
I'll give you $1,000 for a ride to the nearest bar.
[trucker laughs.]
What? Oh, shit yeah, lady, climb on up! [groans.]
Yeah, there ya go, get on up in here.
[Malory groans.]
Thank you.
[trucker chuckles.]
Thank you.
A thousand bucks? You're either crazy or rich or both.
Well, I don't have it on me obviously, but [trucker.]
Oh, I betcha we can work something out.
Ahem, your hand seems to be on my thigh.
Yeah, you're like a silver fox.
I beg your pardon? [trucker.]
And I'm just hopin' them curtains match the rug, 'cause I like that.
[Malory sighs.]
[groans, chokes.]
Ya like an elbow to the throat? Shitheel.
Although, if you had worded that a bit more delicately it could've been quite flattering, so well, not thank you, necessarily, but [choking.]
Je ne sais quoi.
Ciao! [continues choking.]

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