Archer s07e06 Episode Script

Bel Panto: Part 2

So you want me to answer that or? No, I'll get it.
It was probably the cops again.
Really? You think so? I do.
My plan is in shambles! So, hey, listen I know, right? He just soaks me.
Maybe we should Y-You know, you should cut your losses and surrender.
I mean, you haven't really hurt anybody.
No, not yet, Mr.
Shapiro, was it? So glad you could rejoin us.
Take him somewhere.
Maybe there's a workshop with pliers, a car battery And find out where Veronica Deane is with that damn necklace! Well, she's not in the basement.
- Or in the attic.
- Or in the refrigerator.
Why would she be in the refrigerator? I don't know.
You said look everywhere.
- Yeah, he's right.
You did.
- That does sound like you.
Come on, ya rat shyster.
Move it.
But I don't know where she - Come on! - I'm sorry.
How rude of me.
Would anyone else like to join Mr.
Shapiro? But I would like to call my babysitter.
- Too bad! - Could we at least use the bathroom? You just went! That was, like, four hours ago! No, it was Oh, my God! I'm so turned on, I think I'm actually getting dehydrated.
When this is over, remind me to kick your tits off.
No.
Split them up, men and women.
All right.
You have five minutes.
Mr.
Nurple and Mr.
Giggles will escort you.
And so help me God, if you people try anything Uh, yeah.
Uh, then what do you want us to do? Wh Reprisals! Swift and brutal reprisals! That was clearly implied! Where are you, Veronica Deane? And where the hell is Pinky Brewster? So, good news and bad news.
Bad news is, the doors and windows are hermetically sealed, there's six gunmen out there whose leader is insane, a jumpy SWAT team dying to go full-on Attica, and a room full of hostages, one of whom which I guess shouldn't surprise me, but somehow still does has coulrophilia.
- Cool what? - Coulrophilia.
Apparently, it's a sexual attraction to clowns.
Good news is, I got you the last slice of pepperoni and mushroom.
That's the good news.
I mean relatively.
Okay, so the doors and windows are sealed.
You got six or seven of these mopes in there, dressed as clowns.
And they let most of the hostages go.
But so far, they've made no demands.
I mean, just pizza, but And you were in charge here? Yeah, I Wait.
What do you mean "were"? It's the past tense of "are.
" Yeah.
You're relieved, gnome-nuts.
Gimme that.
- Yeah, or I could hold it, or - I'm sorry.
Who are you guys? The guys who haven't been standing around all night with their dicks in their hands while a simple hostage negotiation spirals into a televised cluster-fluck.
- Phone.
Let's go.
- Well, we just tried to call them, - but then we heard a gunshot, so - Gimme that.
Or I could hold that one, maybe.
Now, if you think you're up to the task, go negotiate us some coffee.
And while you're at it, negotiate my coffee as a cold-brew, iced! It's got, like, a third of the acid, which is easier on Mr.
Tum-Tums.
Now, you listen to me, pig! If I want to talk, I will call you.
In the meantime, every time the phone rings, I will execute a hostage and shove their limp and bloody corpse off the roof, on live television! Is that clear? Yep.
Well, how'd it go? Not great! - Well, how'd it go? - Not great.
- Not you! - Not great, though.
- Yeah, we kicked the shit out of him.
- So embarrassing.
So, pretty sure he honestly has no idea where Veronica Deane is.
I hate to say it, but I believe you.
Shame it took us an entire spleen to get here.
- Shut up.
Do you think emeralds melt? - Why? Because I'm about to burn this damn house down and sift through the ashes.
So, please, can you just go find us a way out of here? Don't worry.
I'm gonna get you out, one way or another.
In the meantime, maybe I should hold on to the Tsarina.
Why? In case those assholes find you in here.
It's our only bargaining chip.
All right.
But please hurry.
I I really need to use the restroom.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I've been giving that some thought, - and if I were you - Yes? - Desk drawer.
- Ugh! Oh, my God! I hope you're not on septic.
Ugh! Have you no decency, man? We said only number ones, Krieger! - I never agreed to that.
- Yes, you absolutely did! - Well? - Well, what? Well, what's the plan? To escape! Impossible! Unless we can override the controls for these panic doors.
Which Why do you even have those? Well, I've made a lot of enemies in this town.
But I think we should do what these people say.
They're unhinged.
If we try to escape, they'll kill us.
- Yeah.
Plus, let Archer handle it.
- Wait.
Let who? Archer, one of my detectives.
He's He's probably sneaking around out there, as we speak, snapping necks and cramming ears full of ice picks.
Oh, please! The only thing Archer's cramming is a very average-sized dick into Veronica Deane's very old twatch.
What are you talking about? He was totally making out with her, Malory, in front of God and everybody! - Oh.
Well, even if he was - Which he was! I'm sure it was only because you were throwing yourself at Ellis Crane.
What? Suck it, Bechdel Test.
You suck it, missy! And even though you were flirting with Crane - like a D-girl wannabe - What? You know Sterling is somewhere in this house, risking his life to save ours.
In fact, I bet he's already taken out a clown, put on his clothes and mask, and infiltrated the enemy.
Five minutes is up.
Let's go! - Oh, for God's sake! - Ugh, wasn't done! Hmm? Infiltrated the enemy, huh? The what? Enema! Just talking about enemas, and, uh, how clean and fresh they make you feel.
I mean, not you, per se, but people, ya know, in general, I guess.
And kids, also, maybe.
I don't know what kids are into these days.
Are whippits still a thing? Point is shitter's clogged! Okay, so first I need to stash the Tsarina, which ha-ha, ho-ho-ho don't know what I was expecting.
Okay, now to see if I can override the security system and get those steel doors open.
Okay, okay, so, then, let me throw this out there and see if the cat licks it up: we cut the power.
- To the house - Zerp! And, by extension, then, the steel doors.
Oh, right.
They are electric.
Yeah, so do you and kitty wanna lick me through how that's supposed to work? And so, now, what was your idea? Two squads of six, breach formation, shape charges on steel doors here and here, detonate, ingress, take out hostiles with flash-bangs, and/or beanbags, secure the friendlies, achieve egress, drop mic.
We're out.
Yeah.
The second you blow the doors, they're gonna execute everybody.
Which is the tactical equivalent of a cat puking on your duvet cover.
Come on.
Let's go.
Here we go.
Move it, move it, move it.
Let's go, ladies.
Move it, move it, move it.
Let's go! Hang on.
I got a big old wad of toilet paper stuck on my shoe.
- Ugh! - Seriously.
And I really need to check in with my babysitter, so - Typical.
- Shut up.
Make me.
Ow! Hey, knock it off, you two! Damn it! I said knock it off! Make me.
Ow! Okay! Jesus! Ooh! Looks so good! Well hope I'm not allergic to clown blood.
- S'up, ding-dong? - Wh Why the hell are you in here? I heard you were getting your ass beat.
Oh, for the What is this, NORAD? Damn it.
You'd have to be, like Ray! Hang on.
I had something for Was it Ain't-Two-Dee-Two? Eh - Okay, so, if you're right - Which Merely for the sake of argument, let's say you are, and Archer has infiltrated these guys We have to find out which one is him.
Which Ow! Hey, cut it out.
Ow! Come Ow! Damn it! Come on! That's Ow! Okay! Ow! What is he doing? Sterling's got the rest of his life to slap Cyril.
- No! No! - Excuse me.
- Okay! Stop! Ow! Ow! - Excuse me, green one? She needs the bathroom again.
You just went! - I know, but - She has diarrhea! Ugh! Seriously.
- Ya know - What? You were the one shoving pizza in your gob like it owed you money.
Doesn't even makes sense.
Giggles, go with her.
Yes, you! Idiot! Psst! Ready when you are.
Blech.
Seriously.
Did you see that? Malory just winked at that guy.
- Do you think she's in on the caper? - Or just giving him props for slapping the dog piss outta Cyril.
Yeah, that does make more sense.
But either way, not cool.
Welp.
Stay cold, Pony Boy.
Eh Okay, now I just gotta find Archer.
- What? - I said, here is good.
- So go ahead.
- Huh? Okay.
How about for starters, - "I'm sorry I kissed that old woman"? - Mm, okay.
"I don't know what got into me.
I can only assume it was my repressed desire to sleep with my own mother.
" Uh - Okay.
- Wow! So this is all just a big joke to you, huh? Meanwhile, I guess we get killed by a bunch of clowns, and A.
J.
gets to go live in an orphanage! Well, if we live through this, we are gonna have a long talk, Archer.
- Who? - "Who"? Quit dicking around.
I know you took out the green clown, and and Oh, shit! - Rompers! - Goddamn it! I said radio silence! Your hands are so big! Son of a bitch-ass clown! Ugh! Finally! Jesus! No wonder Mozart went deaf.
I swear to God, one more word out of you, and you'll have to have your brain's mail forwarded to the ceiling! That was technically not a word.
And what really chaps my cheeks, besides ruining that dress, is now I have to have that exact same stupid argument all over again with Archer! But first I gotta figure out which one of these scrote-licks is him.
And then I am gonna let him have it! And then, boom, we're outta here.
And then Veronica Deane's like, "Archer, you saved me and the Tsarina!" And then she swoons, and I catch her, and there is a moment, and Honestly, I don't see what could possibly go wrong.
Look, we're running out of time here.
Those perps gotta be panicking by now, and panic equals dead hostages.
Yeah, well, so does barging in there with shape charges and flash-bangs.
Okay.
Okay.
So, then, I'm gonna just throw this out there, knockout gas! - Knockout gas.
- Yeah.
In the, uh whatcha-madoo HVAC.
- Ooh! Or how bout a freeze ray? - Uh Yeah, we just freeze 'em into giant icicles and hit 'em with a hammer.
Do we Do we have that technology? Son of a Could've sworn this hallway led back to the foyer.
Or maybe the dining room? How the hell did I get so turned around? Oh, and bigger question: how the hell am I gonna tell which clown is Archer? You didn't think about that, did ya, Poovey? I'm sorry.
I honestly thought knockout gas was an actual thing.
Idiot.
Some kind of drug, maybe, but No, no, no, not the phone! Oh, shit.
Right.
Limp, bloody corpses.
Okay, so, uh, hey, uh Listen, I bet you guys are getting pretty hungry in there again, huh? Uh, is he joking? I hope not.
I can actually eat.
And speaking of, where is Pam? So, what say we, uh, send in some more hot pizzas? What do ya say? I bet that's them! Go for Harris.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
No, no, no.
No, yeah, I got it.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
- He said no.
- Aah! And that even if they did want pizza for the hostages, which they don't, the perps wouldn't eat it 'cause they know we'd put sleeping pills in it.
Damn it! What about calzones? Ow! Come on! I don't think his problem was with the food shape.
I don't know.
I couldn't hear him! Not the one hogging the phone.
Okay.
All right.
Did I, or did I not, let you drive? Okay, cowboy, let's do it your way.
Out-effing-standing.
Bravo One, Bravo Two, listen up.
I'm sorry, boss.
We just can't find her.
Or Pinky or Giggles or Yum-Yum, which is kind of creepy since this place is on lockdown.
Ah, but doesn't the cunning rat find his way off a sinking ship? I think that's mostly via ropes? Sinking, Oingo, as are my dreams, into the icy black waters of failure.
For though mightily I toil and strive, the Tsarina shall not be mine.
So, uh, what do we do now? I guess we go with Plan X.
Uh w-what's Plan X? Oh, for Eat a dick, mansion.
Said the spider to the clown.
What, did I walk onto the Titan Holy shit-house! That must be Archer and a bad guy! But which is which? Should I shoot one wait or both? Just blow off everybody's kneecaps and then apologize to one of 'em? Wait, what am I saying? All the other bad guys will hear the shotgun! Well Aw, damn it! - Holy shit-snacks! - Wh Pam? - Archer? - No? Goddamn it! - You idiots! - Us? The only idiot in here is the one who made out with Veronica Deane! Hey, first of all, she kissed me.
I didn't kiss her.
But even if I did kiss her, which I didn't, it was because you were flirting with Ellis Crane! - He was flirting with me! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Seriously? I wish I'd blown off both of you guys's kneecaps.
- Jesus.
- Not cool, Pam.
Oh, eat my asshole! Now what are we gonna do about the hostage situation? Oh, right.
All right.
My guys are in position and ready to blow the doors on your command.
On whose command? Who the hell is in charge here? Well, sir, I think, technically, you.
- But this guy's been calling the shots.
- What? Yeah.
So, uh, yeah.
We'll just leave you to it.
Who the hell were those guys? Don't shoot! Don't shoot! We're coming out.
They let us go.
That's what happened, and we're just some innocent hostages.
You really think this is gonna work? It will if you shut your fat mouth.
Are there any more hostages inside? Mm, nope.
Just those hideous clowns.
We're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die - Oh, shut up! - Seriously! But when the SWAT team smashes in here and yells, "Drop your weapons," we won't be able to, and then they're gonna shoot us, and we're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die - Oh, my God, he's right.
- Yeah, that'll happen.
What the shit? Uh, why is everybody clowns? Go, go, go, go, go! No, no, no! Oh, no! No, no, no, no! Don't shoot! Come on! No! No! This was my third best birthday.
And, so, what did we learn? - If anything.
- Well, for starters, beanbags.
How the hell is that a toy for kids? Guess we're lucky the police don't shoot lawn darts.
Oh, thank God, he's right about something.
Or horseshoes.
- Note to self - Krieger! What? That was an unrelated note to self! Lawn dart rifle.
Ugh! Are we at least gonna get paid back for all of our medical bills? Sterling is with Shapiro as we speak, presenting him with an itemized bill.
But you must realize, Mr.
Archer, I won't pay one thin dime of this.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot.
It's opposite day.
Which means a bunch of cops didn't shoot the shit out of me with beanbags, which How is that a kid's toy? Which means I don't know you hired those clowns to steal the Tsarina! But h-how did you know? I didn't.
You just told me.
Oh, damn it! Yeah.
Not great.
For you.
I mean, when Veronica finds out you did this.
I did it for her.
She's broke.
My God, she's got all these bills to pay health insurance, a huge mortgage She can't eat a bunch of diamonds and emeralds.
So you hired those clowns to steal it, to get the insurance money Old clients of mine.
I got 'em out of jail, but then they double-cross me.
- And now I bet they're gonna kill me! - Yeah, probably.
So, the Tsarina is worth I mean, like, four million.
And you were gonna pay the clowns, so you didn't have to worry about the cops or the insurance company? Like, a s four hundred grand? Yeah.
So, I'm gonna need a half a million in - I don't know.
Have you got Krugerrands? - I mean - yeah.
- Super.
So, that.
And then, if you hear from Rompers and his gang - Which - you let me know.
- I owe him one.
- So, you'll protect me? No.
I'll protect Veronica Deane.
Oh, so, did she ask about me, or Did she Oh, Mr.
She Whew! No.
There's a nice way to do that.