Archer s07e10 Episode Script

Deadly Velvet, Part 2

1 DIETRICH: And so, to reiterate HARRIS: Due to your various relationships with the victim, Ellis Crane, both professional and personal DIETRICH: You are all persons of interest in an active homicide investigation.
Can't you eliminate us by testing our hands - for gunshot residue? Hmm? - Wha Y-Yes! Yes, we can.
And that's exactly what we're gonna do, smart guy.
- So - Think you're so goddamn smart.
So we're gonna need everybody to come down to the station, so, uh, we can test your hands for gunshot residue! Yeah, hi.
Alan Shapiro, attorney for Veronica Deane? - God, she is so great! - Huge fan.
Huge! - Ohhh! - Yeah.
But my client will not be frog-marched into a police station like a common criminal before God knows how many cameras, every one of which was tipped off by the LAPD! I-I Well, no.
(COUGHS) - We wouldn't want that.
- She will, however consent to the test being conducted at my office.
Thank you.
That's very accommodating.
Get a load of Obi-Wan-Attorney.
So, should we head there now, or No, let's say tomorrow.
Elevenish? - Elevenish it is! - Looking forward to it.
- Are you kidding me? - How is that fair? - Why does she get special treatment? - Because she is special.
- She's a movie star! - Yeah.
Because she's special.
Well, I don't really want to go down to the police station either, so Goddamn it! You will comply! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey hey It's all good, buddy! She's comin' down to the station.
- Comin' down to the station, right? - Uh, yup.
See? She's comin' down to the station.
Yeah! 'Cause I remember you, Lana Kane.
You're still on probation for the gun charge and the stalking.
- It was a hamentashen! - Yeah.
Well, you're not gonna "yummy Jewish cookies" your way out of this one.
Ah! I couldn't have murdered Ellis.
I was in Veronica's dressing room ripping Archer like a rented mule! (LAUGHS) Oh, man, you never rent a mule.
- So wait a second - You lease that surly bastard.
- Shut up! So wait - Shut up! So, your alibi is that you were busy committing felony assault.
- Yes! - She's a real menace.
Shut up, and they all saw me.
- I didn't.
- What? Yes, you did! I was right there! - Nope.
- You little - Shapiro! You saw me! - Did I? - What? - Because what I don't see is how that helps my client, Veronica Deane.
- (GASPS) - Huge fan.
- So great.
- Archer - Yes, Lana? Would you care to tell the detectives that I couldn't have killed Ellis because I was busy beating your ass? - I would love to.
- (DEEP SIGH) - There.
See? - Unfortunately Goddamn it! I must have gotten a bonk on the noggin, - because I can't remember anything! - Ohahhh! So, Miss Kane, you can ride with me I'll call a van for the rest of you.
And remain with you in a supervisory capacity.
- Because.
Whatever you do - You are not to wash your hands! Uhmm Yeah, so listen.
The whole thing about not washing our hands But, darling, they were so terribly goopy from our love-making! Which was so wonderful, darling.
Wasn't it just so wonderful.
Well, yeah.
I mean, it almost always is, both wonderful and goopy, but But, darling, surely you don't think that I could have murdered Ellis? - No! I mean you know - After all, he was killed at 2:14, and I was in here with you, until almost the very stroke of 3:00.
Which you were extremely clear about.
And repeatedly, come to think of it.
- But there's no clock in here, so - What do you think about Mexico? Like, their extradition treaty, or No, you goose.
As a romantic getaway! Oh.
Well, then, theoretically, me gusto mucho.
But I have a fabulous bungalow in Las Caletas.
- Just down the beach from John Huston.
- Really? Hmm.
You could hit his house with a coconut.
Which I've always wanted to do.
We could be there in four hours.
Is But is now a great time, or even a not very bad time? What with the whole murder investigation Oh, Alan can handle that.
But until all the fuss dies down, we could swim in the ocean swim in tequila, dance naked on the beach by firelight Prank John Huston with some coconuts Besides, it looks like that enormous Lana Kane person is the real killer.
What? No, I-I shouldn't have joked about that.
- I'll tell the cops she - She certainly had a motive.
I mean, my God, the victim's jealous lover? Yeah, hey, uh, you know what? My hands are pretty goopy, too.
I'm just gonna pop out, give 'em a quick rinse, and Well, just use the sink here, silly.
- Uh, no.
I have diarrhea, so - (KNOCKING) Miss Deane? I have kind of a fanboy request.
And you can't let those fans down! - See, I Oh.
- Yeah.
- I - I have diarrhea.
- You better not wash those hands! - I won't! - I'd like your word, please! - You have it! Great police work.
Seriously? What is it with everybody washing their hands? Exactly! I'm not going to be the only chump walking into that police station with unwashed hands! (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh, man! - (TOILET FLUSHING) - We gotta wash our hands? What? No! They said, "Don't wash them.
" CAROL: Wait, what are we all washing? Goddamn it, wash everything! Geez! Make up your mind, America! And I need to talk to you.
MALORY: All right, Grabney Coleman! What? (SIGHS) It's about the murder.
Oh, Sterling, I know exactly what you're going to say.
- You do? - And I know exactly what to do.
- You do.
- Sterling, it's me.
Of course I do, just like I knew you were headed for trouble the minute you laid your eyes on that washed-up old crone.
Oh, for She's like 50! Also, maybe, a little a lot crazy.
- Oh, really? An actress? - Who's crazy? Nobody.
Get out of here, Krieger! - With your goddamn human breast milk.
- Okay! Geez! And it's not human! I don't know if that's better or worse.
Anyway, now I'm worried the cops might actually think Lana did it, so Mexico.
Wait? Yeah.
That's what she said.
Well, it's obvious.
It's basically right next door, for God's sake.
As if Los Angeles needed another minus.
Come I don't know, mother.
Fleeing to Mexico? It just kinda screams, "I'm guilty.
" So, no one is technically fleeing, because no one is under arrest.
So you're saying now would be the best time to go? If If there could ever be a "best time" to have your picture taken with a donkey painted to look like a zebra.
Hmm, pretty sure those are real zebras.
- Typical.
- Who's a zebra? Goddamn it, Krieger.
I told you to Wait.
- How did you change so fast? - Oh! Um Don't engage him! You need to be on the first mode of transport to Mexico.
Don't even bother packing, just grab a fake passport at the office and go But first, wash your gunpowdery hands.
My Wait.
You don't think I did it? - Wh Who else? - Veronica! - Who's Veronica? - Jesus! - What the Why are your frickin' cyborgs here? Because we're getting 30 bucks a day as extras! Each! - Who is? - Well, get the hell out of here.
- All of you! - No! Now wait a minute.
This could actually help you! To do what? Open an Adolf E.
Cheese? Krieger, you have one of these god-awful monstrosities - for each of us? - No! - Maybe.
- There you go! You go to Mexico, your robo-doppelganger takes the fall, you come back after he gets the chair.
- Ohh - First of all, I didn't do it! - I doesn't matter! - I feel like it does! - It's not always about you! - Wha And second of all, there's no way one of these damn "inepticons" could pass the fricking Turing test! (SHOCKED GASPS) Oh, they can totally pass the Turing test.
What is that? A thing from Star Wars? No, it's a test to see if a machine's artificial intelligence can convince a human that the machine is also human.
Which they totally can.
Go ahead.
Ask them anything about anything.
Okay, uh, let's see.
What is love? (ELECTRONIC STROKE) Batubatu battery.
Wh-wh-wh-wha (GUNSHOTS) - (SCREAMS) - (SIGHS) - Now I have to wash my hands again.
- (SHORT-CIRCUIT ZAPPING) Goddamn it, this is classic Archer! - Oh, yeah? - He knows I didn't kill Ellis! But he's so goddamn immature, he thinks it's funny to watch the mother of his child hauled off to jail.
Which, by the way, is a total waste of time, because you are not gonna find any gunshot residue - on my hands.
- Uh, you never know.
No, actually, I do know, because I'm sorry - And that means what? - What? - You never know - Uh, figure of speech? Oh, really? Because from where I'm sitting, which by the way is in a black woman's skin, in the back of a prowler with no door handles driven by a white cop, it sounds like the LAPD is gonna frame me for murder.
Like I said, "You never know!" Oh, damn it! No-o-o! You maniac! You blew him up! Aw, damn you! Goddamn you all to hell! Oh, give it a rest.
That'll do, Milkly, that'll do.
(SOBBING) - And here.
Hold this.
- Wait.
What? No.
- I don't want to - Hold it! Hold it right there! Man down! Man down! Man down! Man? It's basically an appliance.
- (SHOCKED SIGH) - What the hell happened here? - What's happening? - Don't y'all know? That is what I'm trying to find Damn it, woman! I thought I told you not to wash your hands! Yeah, I'm almost positive you did.
Nobody move.
Nobody do anything.
In fact, everybody put your hands in your damn pockets! - All right, you heard the man.
- (SIGHS) - Let's go.
- Whatever.
- Okay, okay.
- Ugh.
Yeah, I need you to come back to the studio real quick.
No, the van's not here, but it looks like we've got another homicide Uh, just in the very brief time since you left, yes.
What are ya, shootin' 'em yourself? How Uh Okay.
Shut up.
I'm almost at the station, just wait for the van, dummy.
Well, sweetheart, today just might be your lucky day.
What? You're gonna park in an alley, and let me go - if I give you a blow job? - Mmmm no.
They made us quit doing that.
There was a whole big thing about it.
- Then why am I suddenly so lucky? - Because it looks like - maybe the killer struck again.
- Ha! Told you! Dumbass idiot cops! So, how's it feel to be such an idiot? Mm, I guess almost like there's a vast number of things that can happen to you between now and when you're released from police custody, and almost none of them are good? Um.
Let's go, folks.
Nothing to see here.
- What on earth is going on? - Because whatever it is, my client had absolutely nothing to do with it! Come on, beat it! 23 skidoo! Hey! You need to get your old, tiny, fake policeman ass out of my space! I'm trying to do real policeman shit! Then arrest her! For murder! You can't murder a machine! Yeah, that's like the first law of robotics.
No, it's the exact opposite of that! Well, excuse me, Dr.
Han Fastolfe.
- Too obscure? - I mean The point is, legally speaking, a murder victim has to be a human being.
- That is true.
- Besides, it's your word against mine.
No, it isn't! Because all my K-bots have a digital recorder in their CPU.
You can't record me without my permission! That is also true.
California is a two-party consent state, so Actually, in California, you can record a conversation without the other party's consent, if you believe - it will collect evidence of a crime.
- Aha! But you didn't know a crime was going to occur when you started recording! Aha! But also, isn't the question moot? Because that dude's CPU's totally dickholed.
Aha! But his CPU is working perfectly! - And he witnessed everything! Copley? - Yep, yep, yep! Please rewind to Milkly's heinous murder and play it back for us.
- All righty - None of this is admissible! And more importantly, they're robots.
Accessing digit al - Ba-Ba-Ba-Batter-r-ry l-l-l-low.
- (PEOPLE SCREAMING) - (GUNSHOT) - (SCREAMING) - Goddamn it! - No-ho! (SIREN BLARING) Aw, thank God.
Gunshot residue testing and the truth shall set you free! Or not.
But get in that van! - With the exception of my client! - Of course.
(LAUGHS) Absolutely.
And thank you for the autograph.
That was so great, and you're just so great! And this is all a huge waste of time.
(CHUCKLES) Well, yes! Because it's so totally obvious that Lana Kane murdered Ellis.
Uh, hang on.
Actually As a matter of fact, Mr.
Shapiro will be presenting you evidence of Miss Kane's guilt tomorrow morning.
- He what? - Do what? - I what? - Isn't that what you told me? - Uh, yes? So, Detective.
See you at elevenish? Oh, yes.
So great.
The rest of you, asses in the van! - You'd better do something.
- Let's go! Come on! - Get in there! - But, Veronica, what about Mexico? We may not need to go, after all.
But the coconuts.
The naked tequila.
- Can't we at least talk about it? - All right, darling.
Calm down.
Come to my house tonight, and we'll talk.
Yo! Faceman! In the van! Now! Okay.
There's a nice way to do that.
See ya tonight.
- (SIGHS) Okay, is everybody in? - (EVERYBODY) Yes! Okay, count off! (IN UNISON) One Goddamn it.
Would you go? But, Veronica, what evidence? - Well, my darling Alan - (VAN STARTING) I have a teensy-tiny favor to ask of you.
PAM: Uh, 99 bottles of beer on the Ow! Je-sus! MALORY: Thank you.
(GILLETTE) My pleasure.
Whoa-oa-oa! DIETRICH: Keep it down back there! I swear, if I have to pull this van over (GROANING) Whoa, that kinda hurt.
making me soft? Or softly awesome.
Like a haiku (SIGHS) Oh - (SERVOS SQUEAKING) - Ho-ly shit.
(LAUGHING) Right? Come here.
What are we doing? (IDENTICAL LAUGHING) Are we doing this? We're hugging it out! Hey.
Are you up for a dangerous mission? Am I? There is literally no question I ever wanted to hear - more than that! - Okay, cool.
- Have you ever had bourbon? - (LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY) Have I Ha! I wish to amend my previous statement.
Okay, come on.
I'll brief you while we get ready.
Hang on a sec.
- (FARTS) - Oh! (CYRILBOT) Damn it, Archer! Me and you is this not the best? It's got spinoff written all over it.
Gillette! Residue test.
Let's go.
- (SIGHS) - Excuse me.
Do you have any idea how long this is going to take? Yes.
At this rate, we'll be here all night.
Or forever, once Veronica Deane fakes her whatever bullshit evidence on me.
Thanks to you and Archer, who lied to the cops with her.
- Hope you're happy! - Uh, duh Free cornrows.
- Lana, Sterling feels awful about that.
- Phht! Which is why he's out there right now, working on a plan to trap Veronica Deane so there's no need to worry.
ARCHER: Are you sure? Yes! Trust me, it's a good plan.
It just kind of seems a little more complicated than it needs to be.
No, it isn't.
Shut up.
It'll work.
Also, why are we wearing tuxedos? Exactly.
Let's do this! (SNICKERS) Oh, man.
We're just like the Wonder Twins, right? I would take the form of, uh, an eagle.
What about you? I guess I don't know.
Ice stairs? Eh, Luigi! Piccolo aiuto, eh? (MOTOR WHINES) WOMAN: Do you like it around the rim? (CHUCKLES) I be I beg your pardon? Your margarita.
Salt around the rim? Oh.
More than you know.
Although, I have to say I prefer my margaritas on the beach in Mexico.
Mm, yes, of course! And we'll dance naked on the beach in Mexico after Oh, my! Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? Oh! Uh, both.
I'll just lay this right here, on this table.
You were saying Mexico? After Well, after they formally charge Lana Kane with Ellis's murder.
- And you think they will.
- Oh, I should think so.
Once they find her enormous fingerprints on the gun.
- And you think they will? - I Archer, do you love me? Oh, darling.
Don't you know I do? Well, then in that case, let's just say I have my ways.
Oh, sorry, Lana.
You big sexy galoot.
Shapiro, that little rat.
Oh, it's not Alan's fault, darling.
He's doing it because he loves me.
And you live for that, don't you? Making men fall in love with you? Well, that's not a crime.
Is it? No.
But murder is.
And I know you murdered Ellis Crane, and you're going down for it! - (GUN COCKS) - (SIGHS) I mean, really, darling.
Just how stupid do you think I am? Hm.
I guess slightly more than - (GUNSHOTS) - (GROANS) Oh! - Archer! - (SPLASH) (SOBS, WHIMPERS) Good night, sweet prince.
"And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
" - Jesus Christ! - (GASPS) So, you're actually kind of nuts, huh? But But how? Cyborg.
I won't bore you with all the details, and science, which actually I don't even understand, so So, all this time, you knew that I killed Ellis.
Well, I suspected.
All that "stroke of three" stuff? Then you were trying so hard to make Lana look guilty? Helped by Marlon Jerkins over here, just because I was mad at her I mean, Jesus! - I'm such an idiot.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that, darling.
You caught me, didn't you? - Well, yeah, but - You knew that I was secretly having all these shoots sabotaged, because Sandpiper-Crane was insuring the productions for ten times what they could ever make at the box office! - Yes.
- Well, bravo, Archer.
Well, wait! So Longwater was all just a grubby little insurance scam? Little? It was a massive insurance scam, and also a re-insurance scam, not to mention a stock manipulation scam with a little help from those odious twits at Stratton-Whitney! Wait, what? Their hedge fund shorted the insurance company's stock.
- We made millions! - (GUFFAWS) I mean, Jesus! And all this time, I thought it was just a sex tape! Oh.
That actually was a sex tape, which I accidentally recorded onto a disk with some Longwater evidence.
Oh, well, that's just stupid.
As are you, Veronica, you just confessed.
Yes, darling, but only to you.
Doesn't do you a bit of good without a witness.
- Uh, dahoy? - What, the robot? No, not a robot! Again, I don't understand all the science, but (LAUGHING) Robots can't testify in court.
Oh, I know that.
But wait.
Hang on Plus, it didn't hear what I said, because spoiler alert - it's dead! - Wait, but Goddamn it! So, no, Archer.
I didn't confess.
Not to a crime, anyway.
But I'm afraid I do have to confess that ohh I really could have fallen for you.
- Really? - My God, yes.
- But unfortunately - (GUNSHOT) - (GROANS) (GASPING) - Goddamn it.
- (GUN CLICKS) - Goddamn it! - (GUN CLATTERS) Veronica! (GRUNTS) Veronica! - (CLATTERING) - Ow.
Wha (COUGHS) Who puts a table there? (FOOTSTEPS) Archer? Archer.
- Archer! - That would be Ms.
Archer to you.
Oh! I'll make a note.
You're free to go.
Actually, you're all free to go.
- Really? - (ALL CHATTERING) But I haven't even been tested yet.
You don't need to get tested, they have a suspect.
- Veronica Deane.
- Ha! - (SURPRISED CHATTER) - Geezy Petes! This whole time, I thought Ellis Crane was the one behind all this.
Yeah, right up until he shot himself through both the wrist and the face.
Anymahoo, apparently she shot another guy.
Floating in her pool as we speak.
(GASPS) Sterling! (CHATTER ON POLICE RADIO) HARRIS: Well, what do you think? DIETRICH: I think that in my next life, I'm gonna come back as a movie star.
Look out, gay porn.
- Rimshot.
- Yeah, that could be your name.
So what, some movie star lives here? Yes.
Veronica Deane.
Don't you remember? She's a person of interest in the other murder we're working.
- No shit.
- Wait, what are you You were just questioning her ten hours ago! He was her alibi.
- You like her? - As an actress, or for this homicide? - Both.
- Loved her in Shanghai Moon.
- Oh, my God, that dress? - Right? But as for Tennessee Tuxedo here, I want to talk to her.
See if she knows who tried to weight him down with an ounce of lead.
Found it on the ground, over there by the table.
- Is it hers? - Hard to tell with no serial number.
Yeah, probably why they put them on there.
Hey, you should ask Veronica Deane if her agent reps gay porn stars.
And maybe if she murdered this guy.
- Ah, you got a real knack for this.
- Rim Schott.
Yeah, you don't have to say it every time.
No, as my gay porn name.
Not bad.
- Let me through! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Hey, this is a crime scene! - Hang on, hang on! Sterling! (GASPS) (ALL SHRIEKING) (SOBBING) - Thanks.
Thanks, assholes! - Yeah.
Yeah, right? - (GASPS) - Archer? (SHOCKED CHATTERING) Bet she hasn't cried like that since Prohibition.
- You little - Ow! - Ow! Cut it - Had me worried sick! Mother! Ow! Stop it.
I am gut-shot, woman! By Veronica Deane, by the way, and I will be more than happy to testify to that.
Damn! (SIGHS) Any idea where she is? Probably Mexico.
Go to John Huston's house, - and start throwing coconuts.
- Which I've always wanted to do.
But What? Okay, wait.
How are there two of you? They've got robots.
It's cool.
We've already been through all this.
So - Okay, A: They're not robots.
- Nobody cares.
And B: they're obviously good enough to pass the Turing test.
- Oh, totally.
- Whatever that is.
Okay, you're all free to go! - Including you, Miss Kane.
- With our sincere apologies.
Yeah Not accepted.
But Speaking of Archer, is there anything you'd like to say to me? (SIGHS) Yes, Lana.
There is.
(GASPING, EXCLAMATIONS) What's happening? What are we doing? Lana Kane (CYBORG CRASHING) No-o-o! (HYSTERICAL TEARS AND SCREAMING) Wait, what just happened? Holy shitsnacks! Wait.
But if that's a cyborg That means the man in the pool is MALORY: Ster-ling! (SOBBING) Wow! Suck it, Alan Turing!
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