Archer s08e06 Episode Script

Archer Dreamland: Waxing Gibbious

1 So, uh, what are we doing? Are we just jumping right into this, or (muffled grunt) - (squealing laughter) - (muffled gagging) Now, then, I assume I have your undivided attention? - (muffled): Uh-huh.
- Good.
Because you have mine.
And I am just dying to know why I'm not rolling around in a million dollars like a kitten with a million dollars.
- Grnk! - Well? I'm waiting.
Grnk! I'm sorry.
All I'm hearing is "gurnk.
" Did someone named Gurnk take it? - (muffled yelling) - Well? I've got all night.
And he's hourly, so - (muffled gagging) - Oh! Oh, he wants the check.
- (muffled gagging continues) - No, I think a pen.
- (muffled): Uh-huh.
- Damn it.
- (gags) - Palm.
Palm reader.
- (muffled) Uh-uh.
- Mmm palm reader? - Uh-uh.
- Palm reader! - Uh-uh! - Palm hand Oh.
Ooh! Handwriting! Handwriting! - (muffled yelling, gagging) - Paper.
- (muffled) Uh-huh.
- Damn it! There's a nice way to do that.
(muffled yelling, gagging) Hard surface.
(muffled gagging) (gasps) I just adore parlor games.
When I was a little girl, we used to - MOTHER: Don't do that.
- Do what? Humanize yourself.
I don't know what that idiot's scribbling over there, so there's still a chance I'll have to mail somebody your foot.
- Ew.
- You don't know the half of it.
(muffled gagging) What is this even supposed to be? - CHARLOTTE: Seriously? - (muffled gag) Why didn't you just write it? - (muffled gag) - (gasps) Palm reader! (frustrated, muffled yelling, gagging) Oh, just let him go.
(wheezy coughing) (gasping) Well, I actually don't have all night.
(breathing deeply) (raspy voice): Cops Cops took it.
(thud) The cops took it.
- (raspy voice): Yes.
- Well, isn't that convenient? (continues in raspy voice): No.
Actually, it's extremely inconvenient, because Hang on.
(gulping) (coughs, normal voice) Because then I have to come back here to Frankenstein's bullshit.
Common misconception.
Frankenstein was the doctor and not the monster.
I would have gone with Pantagruel.
Oh, and the next time you put your hands on me, you better kill me.
Oh, I think that goes without saying.
- Look, her brother - Ugh! shut up must've brought the cops, and then they double-crossed him and stole the ransom.
So I chased them, but then Figgis shot out my tire, and - Figgis? - Yeah.
Him and Poovey, they Tell me this doesn't have anything to do with Trexler's missing whores.
Although, come to think of it If Figgis doesn't square things with Trexler, he's walking around dead and just doesn't know it yet.
(gasps) Not unlike Frankenstein's monster! - Or you.
- (clears throat) And so, since you know where those bent coppers are taking the money go get it! (sighs) Okay, but before that, I haven't slept in, like, literally four days, so - (gasps) I have Dexedrine.
- (sighs) - Gimme.
- Oh, and here.
You should also take the codeine, just in case you need to smooth down the jagged edges.
(inhales sharply) Although I'm not sure which is which.
(sighs) I mean - FIGGIS: Are you crazy? - POOVEY: No.
Shut up.
Come on.
Trexler doesn't know we have the money So what? He knows I owe him the money! Jesus, are you suicidal? (chuckling) Me? Hell, no.
I've got tons to live for.
- ("Pomp and Circumstance" playing) - WOMAN (over P.
): Bai Poovey.
Chang Poovey.
- Guong Poovey.
- (Poovey sniffles, coughs) - (inhales sharply) Goddamn it.
- Jiang Poovey.
- I promised I wouldn't cry.
(sniffles) - Liling Poovey.
Well, promise broken! (sobs) - (blows nose loudly) - Peng Poovey.
Oh, Peng! Oh, he overcame dyslexia! (sobbing) - You, on the other hand - Wha What about me? No, just, you know, you said "suicide.
" And? (laughing) Oh, come on! White? Divorced? Cop? Access to a firearm? Cuckold? (laughing) Statistically, you're already dead.
Well, I am if we don't take Trexler his money! There were two cars chasing us in the park, remember? For all we know, those were Trexler's guys! Wha How? Trexler didn't even know the drop was happening! - Well, then, who were they? - I don't know! But whoever they were, betcha they're pissed.
(off-kilter footsteps) Throw me out of a goddamn car, ya limp-dick gumshoe son of a bitch! New dress all shit-housed.
New Delman heel somewhere in the goddamn idiot woods.
Got grass and goddamn dirt up my crack.
I swear to Christ, when I find your ass, you're gonna wish I had died, because (inhales, exhales deeply) Ahem.
Can I help you? I'm commandeering this vehicle.
(laughs) You're what? Commandeering this vehicle.
I'm a a detective.
LAPD, so Look, lady and here, obviously, I'm using the word "lady" in the very broadest possible sense I'm sorry that prick Archer shoved you out of a moving car, - but I am in no mood for - (cocks gun) - Well, that, for one thing.
- Let's go, toots.
I got places to be.
A, the free clinic's not even open till 9:00 Oh, hardy-har-har.
- And two - What the - Yeah.
- Who the hell do you think you are? Ohhh, shit.
"Oh, shit.
" Special Agent Lana Kane.
Um, uh, Trinette McGoon.
Nice to meet ya, Detective McGoon.
- I'm, uh, not really a cop.
- No shit.
So, what are you, like, in the FBI? No.
The FBI doesn't have any female agents.
They did have one Alaska P.
Davidson - but J.
Edna fired her.
- "J.
Edna"? Hoover.
And trust me, - history will not be kind to that man.
- How come? Well, besides his being a misogynistic, anti-Semitic, anti-Catholic racist - Anti-Catholic? - how do you feel about cross-dressing? Eh, I try not to judge people.
Well, then, you're in the minority.
Yeah, speaking of, uh (sighs) FBI? Literally, maybe five Negro agents.
Actually, probably less - Fewer.
- Shut up.
Since Marcus Garvey died.
So, no, I work in the Intelligence Unit - of the Internal Revenue Service.
- (laughing) - What? The IRS has cops? - Yes! (laughing) Doing what? - Uh, ever heard of Al Capone? - Seriously? Well, he died in prison thanks to the IRS.
He died in prison thanks to tertiary neurosyphilis.
Well, okay, fine.
Um, uh (mutters) Oh, oh, the Lindbergh kidnapping.
The IRS solved that.
Oh, yeah, I bet they were so happy to get their dead baby back.
- Don't be a twat.
- Fair enough.
ARCHER: I thought it was unfair for Mother to blame me for the drop going tits-up.
After all, she was supposed to be helping me find Woodhouse's killer.
But so far, she's done nothing.
Right? Hey, I said, "Right?" Oh, Jesus, I thought I was talking to a tramp or a dog, or Man, this Dexedrine really does have an edge.
Better take one of these codeines.
Although I'm not sure which is which, or what I've actually been taking.
So better take one of each.
- (crunching) - Mm.
Well, or two, maybe.
- (crunching) - Or three.
- Three, and that's it.
- (crunching) (laughs) Okay, five.
So, what's wrong with this thing? There's a bullet hole in the radiator.
Yeah, there is.
- Eh, you got a raw potato? - Uh, no.
- A raw egg? - No.
- Black pepper? - No, Trinette's concussion! (gasps) You think I got a concussion? Maybe, with your crazy jibber-jabber about Spanish omelet ingredients! Huh? Oh.
No, dummy.
Those are just jerry-rigged ways to fix a leaky radiator.
Whaaat? Throw a chunk of potato or some pepper in there, cap it.
The steam pressure shoves it in the hole and seals it up.
Same with an egg.
Ya crack it in, it cooks on the way to the hole.
Bull shit.
Aw, come on.
That's common knowledge.
It is absolutely not.
Why do you think it's called the "potato compartment"? Why do I think the glove compartment is called the "potato compartment"? - "Glove compartment"? - Is this some Irish bullshit? - Oh, now who's a racist? - Oh, for the Even if I shoved an entire uncooked breakfast in there - Which you wouldn't wanna do.
- all the water already leaked out.
Well, yeah, so you just piss in it.
- I think we should split up.
- What? Yeah, you don't need me.
I'm just slowing you down.
So, uh Aw, come on.
Don't say that.
No, yeah, you should go.
- Ya sure? - So very.
Well, okay, then.
I (sighs) Guess I'll just ride with this mook.
- (car approaching) - What the Good evening, ladies.
(sighs) Why are you here, Mr.
Vandertunt? In the hope the kidnappers left my bag behind.
It was a gift.
Well, you're out of luck.
- And those cops you brought stole the money.
- What? Those finks! Yeah, that prick Archer said one of 'em owed a bunch of money to Len Trexler.
Well, then, that's where we're going.
We're commandeering this vehicle.
Can obvious prostitutes do that? - I'm not an obvious prostitute! - She's a T-man, ya dummy.
Wow! I would not have guessed that.
Not a transvestite, a treasury agent! And quit blabbing that around.
Bel-Air Road.
- Go! - Yes, sir! - "Ma'am"! - Sorry! However you self-identify! Ugh! Will you calm down? I just wanna get some hot water! Well, you'll be in hot water if you try to sneak off before Archer comes back with that ransom money.
I heard you! Tsk! You make being kidnapped just awful.
There's a reason they say "kidnapping victim" - and not "kidnapping winner.
" - (trapdoor opens) - KRIEGER: What's that? - (gasps) - (Zerk growls) - (screams) Don't you have a house to haunt? No.
And what is that? What do you have? Um - Nothing.
- (trapdoor closes) (locks clicking) I think it was something.
Boy, you don't miss a trick.
We'll see how funny you are hopping around on one foot.
(chuckling) That actually does sound funny.
(chuckles) LANA: And wait.
Weren't you wearing a polo uniform? - Did you go home and change? - I did, yes.
In all the excitement of the ransom drop, I evacuated.
Yeah, well, I would've hightailed it too.
No, no, no, no.
Common misconception.
When a person evacuates, it means they empty their bladder and bowels.
- (both): Ew! - Well, I'm sorry.
I didn't invent Latin.
- Oh.
So what do you call this? - No.
- What, the potato compart - No.
- Spud box? - No! - Tater hutch.
- Rrrrrgh! I knew we'd get there eventually.
Can we eventually get to Trexler's? I mean, presumably.
Ugh! I swear to God FIGGIS: Poovey, if you don't shut up POOVEY: No, you shut up! Come on! Wait! It's not too late to turn back.
It is.
And why the hell are you so desperate for money? Because you know how much it's gonna cost to send a kid to Stanford in 1967? I know if you don't shut up, you won't have to worry about it, because I'm gonna shoot you in the genitals! Huh.
Now, why would the door be open? Maybe he's got a selfish partner who left the door open on purpose so his new puppy could get run over by a car.
Oh, and the puppy's name is Dreams! - (cocks gun) - Oh, go ahead.
- Blow it off! - (shushing) (quietly): Something's not right, you idiot.
- (whispers): Oh.
- (cocks gun) CECIL: So, Trinette, as a prostitute, how do you feel about role-playing - Whatever fluffs your feathers.
- Please let me finish.
Where the story revolves around merkins, mistaken identities, and incest.
- (both): Ew! - And it's a musical.
No, you lumpy little pervert! - What happened to not judging people? - There's a limit.
Well, yes, of course.
That's why we would have a safe word (spooky voice): that only I would know! You're (bleep) weird.
(evil chuckling) (Archer chuckling) (laughs) Oh, man.
Never gets old.
I don't wanna sound greedy, but maybe, if I'm lucky, I can get the money and get Figgis murdered.
I I may have over-smoothed.
Yeah, definitely a little too smooth, because Hang on.
Did I just open that? No, dummy.
You just got here.
Hey! Come on, Archer.
Get your shit together.
Door wide open, none of Trexler's goons around? Something smells fishy.
- But also (sniffing) - (cocks gun) kind of like cuy.
I know.
It sounds disgusting, but trust me, it is utterly delicious.
- (spooky voice): And taboo! - Jesus Christ! Your family tree must look like a telephone pole.
Ugh! Seriously.
There's Archer's car, the cops Park behind them.
And both of you wait here.
With pleasure.
I'm not staying out here with him.
(sighs) Okay.
Trinette, come with me.
You stay here.
- But - No "buts!" Except yours, in that seat! - Those - I know! They're homophones! - Now sit! - Oh, all right.
I suppose I could use this time to constantly honk the horn.
(groans) - Oh, my God! This place is amazing! - (chuckles) Sorry.
I'm just extremely wealthy.
And loud.
Now, shut up and Oh, wait a minute.
Why would the door be open? (quietly): Was that rhetorical? No.
Now come on.
Because it could've been left open for any number of reasons.
(spooky voice): Only some of which are sinister.
You are so lucky I don't have a silencer.
I'm also just lucky in general.
- (distant running footsteps) - (all gasp) (all breathing heavily) - Did you hear that? - Obviously.
Do you think it was one of Trexler's goons? Oh, boy, I hope so.
You know, as opposed to a ghost.
There's just so few of them who are friendly.
- I mean, basically you got - (distant running footsteps) Casper? - (squelching footstep) - What the (clicks) (groans) Was that a lighter? Can we smoke? Shut up! And no! - It's medicinal.
- (distant running footsteps) - Ooh, gimme.
- Shh! - Stay here.
- (lighter clicks) (inhaling) (muffled): Mm-kay.
(sighs) Before this is over, please, don't be surprised if I shoot you.
- Mm-kay.
- (squelching footstep) What the Holy shit! (sniffing) Is that (sniffing) marijuana? (chuckling) Oh, come on.
Give it a rest.
- Give what a rest? - Oh, my God.
Look, how or why you did it, I don't know, and I don't care, but I know burnt pubes when I smell 'em! First of all, I Wait.
Why do you know what burnt pubes smell like? Because I grew up on a farm.
- (squelching footstep) - Oh! Son of a - What was that? - Hold this.
Gonna do your armpits? Huh.
That's not very Casper-y.
Do Do you think it's Trexler's? (snickers) Oh, please! With your luck? Oh, sweet mother of Christ! Wh-What the hell is happening? - And why the hell are you here? - That's it? No "Sorry I shoved you out of a moving frickin' car"? I said sorry in advance.
And what are you doing here? - And, follow up, why do you have a gun? - Uh - Because, you dick, she's a - Trinette! - She means "transvestite.
" - I'm - What? - I am not a Is that why your hands are so big? I'm not a transvestite, you idiot! For the We had sex! - Ooh.
- Yeah, but I wasn't down there.
- Oh, I know.
- No, like down there down there.
Believe me, I know.
- Well, that's not very Casper-y.
- Poovey! - Aha! - Where's the money? And the bag that contains it.
I don't know.
Well, then, I guess I'll be on my way.
- Really? - No! - Aw.
Figgis, get your ass out here! FIGGIS: No.
I'm protecting the ransom money.
(chuckling) From what? All these witnesses? (sighs) Can't have anything nice.
- (chuckles) Certainly not clothes.
- Stuff it, shamus.
(clears throat) Mr.
Vandertunt! You'll be happy to know we recovered the ransom money.
- So - Well, the main thing is the bag, bud.
But, unfortunately, all of this has to be entered into evidence - Where anything can happen to it.
- Oh, right.
- So, can we - No, no, no, no.
First I need to count it to make sure you didn't steal any.
On what possible legal grounds? Uh, uh, citizen's arrest? - Not a real thing.
- You wanna bet? - (cocks gun) - Do you? - Kind of.
- Can we - Poovey.
- Huh? Oh.
- Lana, you wanna - I wanna talk about the fact that we're standing in a cranberry bog of blood! (overlapping chatter) Well, it is a full moon, so It's actually a waxing gibbous.
Then never mind.
- Were you gonna say a werewolf? - No.
- (Trexler wailing) - (all gasp, exclaim) - Or was I? - TREXLER: Help! - Holy shit! - That's Trexler! It came from this way.
Come on.
- Figgis, you lead the way.
- (overlapping chatter) - TREXLER: Help! - (chuckling): I I hate to say this, but I almost kind of hope there's a werewolf.
Not even as a joke! (exclaiming in disgust) Jesus Christ! (Trexler sobbing) (sobbing): Oh, please, help me.
I think I would've preferred werewolf.
Who Who did this to you? (sobbing continues) (chuckling) What's happening, gang?
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