Archer s09e02 Episode Script

Danger Island: Disheartening Situation

1 [music.]
[Archer laughs.]
Oh, for Asshooooooole! Why's everybody pissed at me? I'm the one with no parachute, in a plane that can't land.
- Which - [Lanaluakalani.]
Well?! - What do we do now?! - I mean, pretty much just this! She means how do we land?! Oh.
Yeah, that's this whole big thing.
- What do you mean?! - Gott im Himmel You need, like, training! - So train us! - Ja! Okay, okay, uh.
Okay, the first thing you wanna do is get out your notebooks and two number two pencils! - [Lanaluakalani.]
What?! - [Fuchs.]
Was?! [Pam.]
Wait, shit, that was the classroom portion - Gott verdamme dich! - Which - [Pam.]
I mean, even if we had pencils - Tell us what to do! Okay, when you're about to hit the ground, you just kinda go limp! Limp? Heh.
Oh right, like this guy doesn't know what "limp" means, am I right, ladies? - Crackerrrrs! - Oh, my God - Was ist "limp"?! - Relax! - How?! - [scoffs.]
It means relax! - Heh.
- Right? But can we get a little more detail?! Jesus, lady, okay! Your knees are kinda bent, and right when you hit the ground, you relax and just fall over sideways, and kinda roll from your feet, up your legs, and then [Fuchs shrieks.]
Well, shit.
Okay, Princess Highpockets, you're up.
No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, waaaaiii [crashes into brush.]
Jesus, people, how hard is it to Waaaaaaagh! Ungh! Oof! Nnngh! [big sigh.]
Oh, man.
I had something about, like flying is for the birds? No, it's gone.
[Pam grunting.]
Goddamn it.
C'mon, ya son of a [grunts.]
- [annoyed sigh.]
- [Lanaluakalani.]
Hellllp! Get me down! - Shhhh! - Now! I will but quit yelling.
[deep growl in distance.]
[small gasp.]
We're not currently - at the top of the food chain.
- [whispering.]
Sorry! Now relax, you're gonna be fine.
- [Fuchs.]
Helllllllp! - [Pam.]
Him, on the other hand Heh.
That's enough to make any guy go limp, am I right, ladies? - Shut up, bird.
- Eh.
[title theme.]
Promise me! Bocados de mierda.
I promise I will catch you.
Well, you'd better.
It's a crime to harm a member of the royal family! What, ya gonna arrest the ground? - Oh, so you can crack wise, but - Bird? [coughs into wing.]
Okay - One two threeeeek! - [Pam.]
Oof! [breathless.]
My goodness.
I didn't realize you were so strong Yeah, state cheese-toss champ, five years runnin'.
But don't get any ideas, sister.
Wh ?! Now, just you wait one minute! Because what the hell is a cheese toss? What, seriously?! [Fuchs.]
Verdammte Idioten! - How do I get down from here?! - [Pam.]
I mean, you just unbuckle it and.
- Wh ?! Are you mad?! - No.
- I will fall! - [Pam.]
You don't really have a choice! Of course I do! I will stay here! - Mkay.
- What, no! We can't leave him here, he's vital to our fledgling breadfruit industry! Which is fledgling! So then that's probably bad [gasps.]
Aw, man [Costello-esque.]
Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, schlaaaange! Hih, hih, hih, hih, hih, hiiiiiilfe! If it's not one frickin' thing with you people, it's another.
- [whispers.]
Do you have a plan? - [weary sigh.]
I do, actually.
[glass shatters.]
Okay, Lucy, here's the plan Mitimotu is here, but with the wheels stuck down, the closest airstrip we can land on is on Motu Papa here.
Which is west-northwest, a heading of 295 degrees.
Let's call it 320 nautical miles.
Airspeed 110, burn rate 50 per, call it 55 with the wheels down, if we run it lean and if the fuel pump holds, 'cause if it doesn't, none of this shit matters [gulps.]
tailwind is 5 fuel-weight ratio, rho times alpha, then lift-to-drag, where W is force in newtons, which means if we catch a few breaks and the tailwind holds, our maximum range is Goddamn it! Rrrraagh! [sighs.]
Now that's broken.
[weepy and panicked.]
Zat cannot be your plan! Well, if you'd hit the stupid buckle when I told you to [snake hissing.]
[utterly petrified whimper.]
That's his tongue on my face, isn't it? Okay, Fritz, hang tight - [whisper.]
- Bird? You can't shoot the snake! Why not?! They slither into our nests, they eat our eggs, they eat our chicks! - I meant.
She could hit Fuchs.
- I stand by my statement.
Don't worry, Princess, I'm not shootin' at the snake [Fuchs.]
Warte, was?! [music.]
Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein Neeeeeeiiiiiiinnngh! [grunting as he falls.]
[still grunting.]
- Oh, man! - Santa mierda.
- Is he? - I mean [Fuchs.]
Get me [all gasp.]
ze hell out of heeerrre! [music.]
Bien sûr, mon amie, avec plaisir.
- Don't you want to know why? - Non.
Just how much.
Quelle chance.
The perfect amount.
Après toi.
But since you mentioned "why" Oh, but "why" is such a troublesome question, though, don't you agree? I mean, once you start pulling threads, there's no telling where it'll end.
One minute you're wearing a lovely cable-knit sweater, and the next there's a pile of yarn on the floor, and you're standing there [startled yelp.]
Jesus "What Is The H.
For" Christ [music.]
And you can keep your stupid turnip I'm not hungry.
- Mes bonbons! - Your what?! Cochon stupide! Qu'est-ce que tu as fait?! C'était un cadeau de ma mère! - You - De Paris! C'était! De! Paris! - You said I could have one! - Yes, one! One, you cow bitch! [yells.]
I didn't know which one I wanted! [furious inhale.]
Out! - What? - Out! Out, out, out, out, out, out, out! No! It's some kind of ruse, you're going to shoot me in the back, or, or It's not a ruse, I paid your bail! Oh.
Well then.
- Hmph.
- But now wait a minute, Miss Thing On n'a plus besoin de navet! [chomps.]
[weary sigh.]
Hey, come on Chin up, Archer Y-You've been in tougher scrapes.
Huh? Remember the Andes? Paso de Muerte? C'mon, death was right there in the name.
All those dogfights over Spain against the Condor Legion? Remember? [chuckles.]
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
So if the Andes couldn't kill me, and the krauts couldn't kill me, I mean, I know it's kinda hard to grasp, but [deep breath.]
I might be immortal.
I! Am! Immortal! [Archer chuckles.]
Jesus Christ - [in severe pain.]
I am dying! - Shut up, you're not dying, you just got a couple busted ribs.
And probably a punctured lung.
- Was?! - Bird?! - What, we were all thinking it.
- No one is thinking that! - He is.
- Ja, I am now! See?! [animal growling.]
[all gasp.]
I feel like, if I have to remind you people how much you need to shut the hell up, I'm gonna lose my temper! Well, and I think I speak for the group, I feel like you already have.
- Ja, und me also.
- So do I, actually.
[annoyed sigh.]
Well, if you think I'm mad now? [Pam.]
Wait 'til I'm gettin' shit out of a dragon.
- [Lanaluakalani.]
Wait, what? - [Fuchs.]
Huh? Was? [Pam.]
- Oka atua! - Holy birdshit! [scared whisper.]
Was?! Was ist los?! [clears throat.]
Yeah, so listen, I'm probably gonna head out? Grrrk! - But then what would I use for bait? - [choked.]
Cheese? There we are, a nice cool glass of pastis, to whet the appetite.
- For what? - New experiences? - You realize I can't pay for this.
- Mm-hmm Or pay you back for bailing me out.
Which reminds me, why'd you do that? Well, you said it yourself, you're stranded here, abandoned by the husband you cuckolded, thousands of miles from New York, where you're a disgrace, - an outcast, a laughingstock - All right.
you're a vagrant, without a franc to your name, so Reynaud can arrest you again whenever he wants, and I doubt he'd lose much sleep over it [weepy.]
Framboise noix de coco cerise [slurps.]
Noisette! And so, even if you had a passport and a ticket out, if you're sitting in that rich, chocolatey jail cell - I could be stuck here forever! - Exactly.
So why not make the most of it? [Archer sighs.]
I mean, it's not like you really have a choice, so Plus, maybe you really are immortal.
[burps, chuckling.]
That'd explain a lot.
- [yells.]
You want me to be a whore?! - No, not a whore! Good heavens, no, you'd be more like a courtesan.
- Whom men pay for sex! - And sparkling conversation.
- I - And not just men, necessarily - What?! - and actually they'd pay me - Pfft! - and then I'd pay you.
- A percentage.
- A percentage?! Let's call it [Archer.]
Forty-nine feet! Wingtip to wingtip! [Archer.]
And I bet that's 50-feet wide.
Right? Yeah, I bet that's 50 Which means we've got six inches to spare on both sides, Lucy.
And you know I can do a lot with six inches! Badum-pssh.
Huh? Am I right, Luce? Lucy, am I right? [engine sputters, dies.]
Lucy Lucille Goosille.
Oh, okay, so then I guess just pout! But I would think it goes without saying, that it's also in your best interest if we don't crash and burn! [engine sputtering continues.]
Thank you! Jesus, was that so har [engine sputters and dies.]
[Archer sighs wearily.]
You fat bitch.
[groaning in pain.]
[in severe pain.]
Fette Schlampe - That better mean "Thank you.
" - Nngh! It does not.
That's okay, you can thank me if we get out of this with our skin on.
Which, what is taking you so long?! Okay, hold your damn horses! - Here! - Nein! I don't want zis! [animal grumbles.]
[all gasping.]
Nobody wants any of this.
But everybody is gonna do their bit! Starting with you.
Get up in those trees - and gimme some aerial recon.
- Yep! Yep, yep, yep! And if you leave us here, I will find you, I will pluck you, I will slather your bumpy skin with olive oil and rosemary, and then I will shove a beer can up your asshole, and roast your ancient carcass until it is golden brown - and goddamn delicious.
- Yep.
And how old are you, anyway? - Like, forty? - Eh.
Man, I had something about dead-stick something? No, it's gone.
[big exhale.]
Okay, Luce, it's now or never.
- Never! - Oh, all right, sixty-forty! That No! I will not be your whore! - Courtesan! - Whatever! I won't do it! - Because you will be in my jail! - What?! Unless you can show me 100 francs - or proof of onward voyage! - You know I don't have either! And I do not have my bonbons! And so, madame aprez-vous.
And what if I say "no?" - [crash.]
Sacre bleu! - Jesus Christ! [woman screams.]
Son of a biiiiiiiiitch! Mon Dieu! C'est le volcane! It's not the volcano, you idiot! I hate this stupid islaaaand! [clank.]
- Jesus Christ.
- Ow [in pain.]
So hey - What now? - Sterling! [in pain.]
Shut up, quick question, how wide is the, uh, the street out there? - Forty feet? - Mm-hmm.
Speaking of, you're good with 40? [Archer mumbling.]
Oh, good, he's coming to.
- Hooray.
- Oh, shut up.
And you, give him some air.
Airspeed! Nose up! Flaps! Flaps! [coughs, chuckles.]
Holy shit, I really am immortal.
And also in serious trouble! Shut up.
Where's Pam? She's gonna love this.
She There was nobody on the plane.
So where is la princesse?! Wait, no, no, no, they they bailed out.
Jesus Christ, how long was I out?! - One hour? - Flew by.
Oh my God, so they're out there in the jungle.
- In the dark?! [gasps.]
- Mon Dieu.
So, what happens on Shithole Island when it gets dark? On three, I start blasting.
[dragon grumbles.]
One two - [annoyed sigh.]
Goddamn it.
- I am genuinely sorry.
But I am absolutely commandeering your vehicle, so - No, I forbid you! You are insane! - Hm, your concerns are noted.
Putain! Oof! - [Archer.]
- Sterling! Be careful! - [chipper.]
No! - [Pam.]
Okay, one, two Everybody try not to take a big greasy shit on me - Ya know what? - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! What?! [dragons grumble.]
What if they're like sharks? - They are! - Right? No, what if when you shoot one, the smell of its blood sends the others into a feeding frenzy? - I'm gonna shoot the others.
- No.
All the others.
[dragons grumble.]
Like if they can smell one drop of blood - from miles and miles away - Mein Gott.
There could be hundreds of them out there.
- Thousands! - Who gives a shit?! [dragons grumble.]
- [Fuchs.]
Was? - [Lanaluakalani.]
Me! - First of all, they're not like sharks - Ehh In that way! And second of all, any one of these big bastards could kill you! And the rest of 'em are just gonna be fightin' over your dead-ass bones! - Well - I dunno - I vote we take a vote.
- Second.
[annoyed sigh.]
I swear to God [Reynaud.]
Where are we going?! Well, they bailed out south of Tarako, so Le volcan?! Attention! - You must slow down! - Oh, this piece of shit can go slower?! Of course, you Oh, le sarcasme.
Cognate! Nice! [tires screeching.]
Anyway, if nobody's hurt and Pam's got 'em headed in the right direction, they should run right into this trail.
If the serpents and lizards and cannibals don't run into them first! Yeah, seems like a shitty place for a breadfruit plantation, huh? - Breadfruit? Here? - Right? That's what I [gun firing in distance.]
Oh, shit! Aaaaaaghhhhhh! [dragons shrieking.]
[all screaming.]
- I'm out! - We were supposed to vote! I voted no! Reloading! [dragons snarling.]
Oh man, there's even more of 'em! - C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! - Gott im Himmel! Nothing is worth this! I don't care about the idol! - Do what? - What idol? What? Wait, what, no.
He said look ooooouuut! [Fuchs womanly scream.]
Loaded! [all screaming.]
[dragons roaring and shrieking.]
- Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein! - They're everywhere! [Crackers.]
What the hell's in those bullets? - Reloading! - Lizard pheromones?! [sniffs.]
I don't think so.
Loaded! [dragons roaring and shrieking.]
- What the hell are you doing here?! - Get in! Oh, right.
Heavy barrellllll! - Take that, lizard! - And that! [all screaming.]
[guns firing.]
[dragons roaring and shrieking.]
- Okay, we're in! Go! - [Archer.]
Whooooo! [speaks French.]
- Slow down! - Oh, my God, all right.
[all gasp.]
[body thud.]
Oh, just like old days.
[all exclaim.]
Oh, okay.
Yeah, so, I guess no thanks necessary.
- Danke, danke - "Thank you!" - Well, I mean - Bird? But how did you find us? I dunno just lucky, I guess.
Grace à Dieu And wait, where did you land? Heh.
Oh man, Pam, speaking of luck [Pam.]
So, you're all lined up, [music.]
thinking, I've got 50 feet to work with [Archer.]
And I'm just 49, tip to tip - [Pam.]
And of course the fuel pump's out - [Archer.]
Yeah, so I'm, ya know - [Pam.]
Dead-stickin' it! - [Archer.]
Right? [Pam.]
Yeah, so, but then you slam a wing into that first tree down there, and then it just sorta shitstorms on ya - [Archer.]
Well, yeah, because - Because any asshole could tell that this street is not 50 feet wide, and even if it was, that only gives you 6 frickin' inches to spare! Right? And I actually had something for that, about, like doing a lot with six inches, or like, it was like Like, what if you'd fixed the goddamn fuel pump so the crash never happened?! Mmm-no, it was more like a dick jo Oof.
Funny stuff.

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