Archer s09e04 Episode Script

Danger Island: A Warrior in Costume

1 [music.]
Okay, keep coming [annoyed sigh.]
- Looking good, keep coming - Can I just take it off? - No, shut up, keep coming - Really not liking this.
Well, but once you see the surprise, keep coming, you're gonna forget all about being mad about the map.
That's what I'm saying, if the goal here is to unpiss me off - [metallic clang.]
Oww! What the? - Sorry, go left? - Goddamn it! - Wait, hang on, wait, wait, wait! - Wh?! What the? - [Pam.]
Ta-da! - [Archer.]
What the actual goddamn shit?! - [Crackers.]
Yeah, right? At first, I was like, "pfft," but then I was like "myeah?" What'd you What have you done?! Well, I used the all the ribs, they were in pretty good shape, the spans are the toughest bamboo I could find - I helped.
- Shut up.
then I covered 'em with canvas sails, and doped the whole thing up tighter than dick's hatband! - Hey, whoa! - Dick's hatband?! Dick's hatband?! - Yeah, I dunno.
- People say that.
- Right? - You big dumb ox! You ruined her! [tearing up.]
B-But I thought you'd be happy! Happy?! You thought I'd be happy? I oughta What the? [plane approaching.]
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, where are you? C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
C'mon, baby, c'mon, you can do it.
Don't let him in the slot! [chuckling.]
[speaking German.]
[artillery firing.]
C'mon, ya fat Russian pig! Goddamn it! [Archer.]
Son of a No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no! [chuckling.]
Goddamn it.
Goddamn it! Eat a dick! - [Archer.]
Wha what what is it - [Pam.]
Archer? - [snaps fingers.]
Hey! - Huh? Where'd ya go, buddy? Spain [body thud.]
Oh, man.
Is Spain not the best? C'mon, tapas? [title theme.]
Archer? Archer, hey, c'mon C'mon.
C'mon, snap out of it, bub, 'cause, uh, we got company.
Huh? What-what? Wait, where am I? Right here with me and Crackers.
- Ugh.
- [hurt.]
Hey - Question is, where were you? - Pam, it was the damnedest thing.
All of a sudden I was back in Spain, getting shot down by that son of a bitch Ziegler.
Yeah, so [Ziegler chuckles.]
- Which time? - [Archer gasps.]
What the hell?! - Yeah, so, funny story - Ziegler?! Hallo, Archer.
You are flying a garbage truck now? No, I Wait, how are you here?! - It is an incredible coincidence, ja? - Literally incredible.
So, does this place have a bar? I owe you a drink, you have made me famous.
[speaking German.]
[raucous laughter.]
- Das is die umgekerht Ace?! - Ja! Es war er! [speaking German.]
This means the "reverse ace.
" Because in Spain I shot him down five times.
- We know.
- Plus not to mention his eye Then why did you? [verbal shrug.]
- And why the hell are you here?! - Well, I [Fuchs.]
I don't see how that concerns you.
- Hauptmann Ziegler? - Ah, sie sind bestimmt Herr Fuchs.
[speaking German.]
So, hey, Archer, please let me buy you that drink, eh? - Come find me later.
- Oh, don't worry, I'll find you.
Well, that would be a first.
[speaking German.]
[speaking German.]
So the guy who shot you down all those times, shot your eyeball out, he shows up on the same teeny tiny island, halfway around the world? I mean, what're the odds? - Literally zero.
- Shut up, bird.
- Soyou okay? - Hm? Oh, yeah.
No, I'm fine, I'm good, I'm totally good, I'm [music.]
God [machine gun firing.]
Damn it! [chuckles.]
No, I am good, I'm great.
'Cause I'm gonna kill him.
Alright, Missy, we need [pianist playing jazz within.]
to have a little talk.
Now, I don't know what you studied at whatever fancy-pants finishing school you went to - Finch.
- What? - I went to Finch? - No one cares.
But can I assume they didn't teach you business management? - I don't know.
- Well, now you are a business.
In which I've made a major investment - Pfft, what, bear claws and brandy? - And a roof over your head.
And so far, you're not making me any money.
Well, how can I? Look at this place.
There's hardly ever anybody in here.
Well, what about him? Did you ask him about a date? - I asked them both.
- Seriously? Ugh! I'll try again after they finish that sherry.
I-I I think she was on the fence.
- [gasps.]
Wait, what about him? - [Malory.]
Ohh, no.
He is strictly off limits.
And if I catch you sniffing around [shattered glass.]
[soldiers chattering in German.]
[raucous cheers.]
[speaks German.]
What in the? Eh parlez-vous Français? - English.
- Good, better.
Eleven liters of beer, please.
The first round is on me! [soldiers cheering raucously.]
And then they pay for themselves! [soldiers playful boos and raspberries.]
Oh, do not listen to them, their pockets are stuffed with back pay.
And they have not seen a woman in months.
Here, take this down to the shop and tell Mister Wong you want the biggest jar of coconut butter he's got.
- Why? - Trust me.
Base a Rojo Tres.
[military music.]
Rojo Tres, responde.
Rojo Tres Rojo Tres.
God Archer! - [Archer on radio.]
What? - [Pam on radio.]
You're Rojo Tres! I thought I was Red Thr Oh.
- [Crackers, low.]
Jesus Christ.
- Shut up, bird.
No, you shut up, and keep an eye peeled for - that son of a bitch Ziegler.
- [Ziegler on radio.]
Ja? - Wha?! - He could be anywhere.
[Ziegler laughs, guns firing.]
Goddamn it, Ziegler, you [Ziegler chuckling.]
Adios, desayuno.
Ziegleeeer! [gasps.]
[heavy breathing.]
[angry sigh.]
Oh, Ziegler.
[Fuchs laughs.]
It means the brickmaker! Ziegler, this is a family name in German for someone who makes bricks.
- [Lanaluakalani.]
Mm-hmm - [Fuchs.]
But in this case, it has also another meaning because he turns the enemy warplanes into bricks! [laughs.]
Yeah, other languages have puns too.
But not as powerful as German puns! - Shhh! - And so, with Ziegler and the other pilots providing close air support to the new soldiers, nothing, not cannibals, not zose verdammt lizards, can stop us from finding the idol! [stage whisper.]
Keep your voice down! If my father hears you, he'll cut your balls off! [chuckling.]
Ja, right, like your bodyguards, eh? - No! - Oh.
But until then, get back in here and bring me some more wienerschnitzel.
I, uh, still need a bit more time Still? Ugh.
What is taking so long? I must, uh, replenish my lebenskraft.
Still, though Wait a minute, you're not seeing someone else, are you? Don't be foolish.
Besides, what other women even live on this gottverlassen island? [delighted laughter.]
Oh, it's a long way to Tipperary It's a long way to go What zis the meaning of this?! The best I can tell, it's about an Irishman - learning about cunnilingus.
- Quoi? - Oh, sorry, that's when - I know what it means! - Really? - I mean these German soldiers! They have invaded French territoire! - And my heart, if I'm being honest.
- What?! If these big lugs gamble and screw as much as they drink, I can retire! Well, you may be for sale, madame, but the honor of France is not.
I shall place them all under arrest! [gulps.]
- Viens, Doudou! - Well, bonne chance with that [Charlotte delighted laughter.]
Farewell Angleterre [grunts in pain.]
Silence! Who is in charge here?! I think I am.
Hauptmann Ziegler.
Zis island is French territory! You and your men are here illegally! Oh.
But we are just here as tourists! [chuckles and laughter.]
Well, then I hope you enjoy the tour of my jail.
Because you are all under arrest! [all protesting in German.]
Come on, we are just some cool guys on leave, and since France is so far away, and you are so outnumbered, can't you also just be a cool guy? - Non.
- Fair enough.
Et tu n'as rien fait Rien! [soldiers, distant.]
Oh it's a long way to Tipperary Tipperary.
It's a long way to the goddamn ground, in a tired-ass Russian biplane, when you lousy krauts are ripping around in your brand-new goddamn Messerschmitts [Pam over radio.]
Okay, Archer, keep an eye on your six this time.
Don't worry about me, Pam.
Today's the day, I can feel it, I'm gonna [Archer.]
Ziegler! [Ziegler laughing.]
Oh, so now we're just camping?! Higher top speed, higher ceiling, tighter turn, better rate of climb, so big whoop, you got a couple of kills.
It's easy when you sneak up on people.
[Pam over radio.]
So, again, and I really can't stress this enough Don't worry about my six, Pam.
Nobody's gonna sneak up on me now.
[plane approaching.]
Ohh wait, hang on Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
[machine gun firing.]
Oh! Ziegleeer! So drink up, Ziegler, you ratdick, because your nightcap is gonna be [hiccups.]
First thing, I'm gonna shoot your eye out.
And then your dick off.
And then [Reynaud groaning.]
What the? - What're you doing? - What does it look like?! - Uh a hermit crab? - Idiot! Get me out of here! - I'm busy.
- Wha?! What the? - Oh, shoot.
- Aww, maaan - What the hell're you doing?! - Well, we know you're sad, so we were gonna surprise you with a Kringle.
- A what? - Kringle.
State pastry of Wisconsin? Wisconsin has a state pastry? Kringles.
- Stop saying Kringle! - Okay, jeez! But what're you doing with your gun, there? I'm gonna go in there Actually, no, wait You're gonna go in there, and lure Ziegler in here, that's better, and I'm gonna hide in the pantry, and then I'm gonna bust out and shoot his eye out.
And then his dick off.
And then his brains.
- Whaaaat? - Yeah, you don't wanna do that Yes, I do, Pam! An eye for an eye! That's right in the goddamn Bible! Yeah, but c'mon, that was a fair fight.
It wasn't fair! I was in a biplane! - He was in a brand-new goddamn 109! - Still though Yeah, but you don't wanna kill him like this, it's - It's chickenshit.
- [weary sigh.]
You're right.
Goddamn it, you're right.
And so - I'm sorry for this.
- Sorry for? Ungh! [Pam thuds.]
Oh, what the shit, man?! [gulps.]
Shut up, bird.
Hey, wake up.
[Ziegler snoring.]
C'mon, rise and shine, Fritz.
[gentle snoring.]
[annoyed sigh.]
Waaaghh! - Jesus, what?! - Was?! Easy! Easy! I'm supposed to give you this.
- How is this bird talking?! - Right? Was zum Teufel ist Oh, Scheiße! Nein, nein, nein, nein! Scheißkopf! So, hey, what would a gal have to do to? [door closes.]
Jesus, rude much?! I was going to ask how to get a ride out of here on one of their planes.
Yeah, I wouldn't hold my breath.
Yeah, well, I wouldn't be a talking bird.
[gentle snoring.]
Huzzawuzza Where the? Oh, what the shit?! [Archer.]
Heh, heh.
Hey, sleepyhead.
- Glad you could join us.
- Why the hell am I in a Owww! Christ on a bike! My head kills! [chuckling.]
Yeah, mine did too, to be honest.
- Little hairy dog? - No, I Wait a minute.
- You hit me! - I lightly tapped you You piece of shit, you hit me! - Only because you were right! - What?! I was gonna shoot Ziegler, you may not remember this 'cause you have a concussion, but I was gonna shoot Ziegler, but you told me that was chickenshit, and so now we're gonna settle it up here, in a dogfight, in evenly matched planes! - Man to man! - And woman! Well, yeah, I needed a tailgunner, so - Goddamn it! - And so now's probably a good time - to familiarize yourself with said gun - Goddamn it! 'cause if Crackers did what I told him to, it won't be long before - [Ziegler over radio.]
Archer?! - Speak of the teufel Come on up, Ziegler.
See what it's like to fight somebody fair and squ [Archer and Pam startled yelps.]
Say your prayers, Archer! This time I will put you down once and for all! Pam, get your head outta your ass! - Me?! - Your one job is to shoot things coming at us from beh Oh, shit! - Son of a - [Pam.]
What was that? [Archer.]
[soldiers chattering in German.]
- I assume this was Sterling? - Yep, yep, yep.
- Putamierda! - Goddamn it! [Ziegler laughing.]
It doesn't matter what you fly, - Archer, I will always beat you! - Oh, you couldn't beat Hang on, I had something for th - Ya wanna save the quips?! - It was pretty good! Oh, wait, so's that.
[laughs hysterically.]
How do ya like that, Ziegler?! Heh.
Who taught you how to shoot, your husband? [laughs.]
Will you shut up?! It was pretty good! All right, Archer, I am bored with this and with you.
Get ready to die.
- Was ist Los?! - Scheiße! Wir sind getroffen! [Ziegler.]
Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein [speaks German.]
What the? [Ziegler screams.]
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hooo! [laughing.]
Holy shit! - Did you see that?! - Yeah, I I must've hit his fuel tank! - Wait, what? - Whoo-hoo! Million-to-one shot, but I did it! I finally beat Ziegler! - Yeah.
Way to go.
- [laugsh.]
Right?! But so now what? We can't go back to the island now, the krauts are gonna know this whole thing was you.
You think I didn't think of that?! Don't worry, I put Crackers on it.
What in ze hell is going on here?! Well?! Someone had better tell me! Uh, yeah, so I was here, earlier, and I saw the whole thing, which was Ziegler and the other guy, Schnell, who, come to find out, is his lover - [all reactions of disbelief.]
Nein! - Yeah So they stole the other two planes and set this one on fire, so nobody could follow them to Shanghai, where they plan to open a cabaret, the unfortunately named "Scandals.
" [soldiers all exclaiming.]
Ooh, Scandals, that sounds fun, huh? - [speaking German.]
Morgen! - Hallo, Schatz! - [giggles.]
Hi, guys! - You're bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
- I'm surprised you can even walk.
- What? Oh! God, no, they were all so drunk they thought that jar of coconut butter was, you know, me.
Oh! Well, as long as you charged everybody full price Heh.
Right? Then you should have a lot of money to give me? Ah.
About that [scoffs.]
I've decided that from now on, I'm keeping all of it.
- Excuse me?! - Yeah, because your cop buddy lives in a barrel now, and this stupid island is under an occupying power, all of whom are heavily armed and basically totally in love with me.
Für dich, Fraülein! Awww! So go make me some goddamn breakfast.
Besides, getting back to the island is like, the one thing we don't have to worry about.
Yeah exactly, so Wait, what?! [engine seizes up.]
Damn it.
Well, the good news is, at least it's a seaplane, right? - Well, I mean, it was - What?! [Pam.]
Goddamn it! Goddamn it! If you Oh, shut up! C'mon, if anybody can crash-land a plane, it's me, right? Huh? With all my experience? Pam? - Then get it over with! - Oh, okay, I guess just pout.
- Pam.
- I am! Okay, then here goes! [both yelling.]
[Archer grunts.]
[both scream.]
Whooo-hoo-hoo! Bocadas De mierda! And did you see that, Pam?! Also perfect! Who wins? Huh? Archer wins! Yeah? This is a win for you? Not just for me, Pam.
For America.
And those hapless Spanish communists.
- Well? So now what?! - So now, since we've only got one flare, I'm gonna shoot their leader with it, and then when the rest of them go into a feeding frenzy, you and me are gonna make a run for it.
- What?! - [chuckling.]
I'm kidding! You big dumb idiot.
[flare gun shot.]
Ya know [Archer chuckling.]