Archer s09e08 Episode Script

Danger Island: A Discovery

[farts] MALORY: Oh, for the - That's disgusting.
- [chuckles] Me? You're the one that's covered in farts.
And why couldn't you put on some clothes - before we left the village? - What, seriously? You think I'd be caught dead dressed like a Nazi? Those old cannibal women had washed and folded - your regular clothes.
- Well, it's also hard to go back after you taste the freedom of the coconut.
- PAM: Master coconut! - Nobody gets that! - You know what I don't get? - The fact that you're not really a goddess? - I was gonna say fractions.
- I was gonna say fractions.
I don't get why she's even with us.
- I'm here because - Because I say so.
So end of story.
- In return for which - [quietly] I split the idol with you 50/50.
I wait, no.
I-I'd split it with you 50/50.
- It comes out the same.
- Yeah, but what, wait, what? You, me and the idol makes three.
What do you say? - Wait, what are they saying? - ARCHER: Nothing.
No, what are you talking about? - Nothing! - Okay! - God! - There are no gods! Will you idiots hold it down? [creature snarling] [gasping] Mon dieu.
Jesus, loud much? Are you trying to attract apex predators? Oh, please.
I just wiped out a literal goddamn boatload of Nazi stormtroopers.
Doesn't get much more apex than that.
[chuckles menacingly] All right, Mr.
Tough Guy.
You don't have to chuckle menacingly.
- What? I wasn't.
- Holy shit, look! There it is.
[all gasping, muttering] Okay, so, just so we're all on the same page, we're walking into an active volcano.
[all mutter agreement] NOAH: Well, that's where the idol is, so I was double-checking, Noah! [chuckles, sighs] I don't know why you make me so furious.
For me, it's his face.
[title music] 9x08 - A Discovery [straining, grunting] [sighs] Oh, come on.
Put your backs into it.
[grunts] If I put my back in any more, it's gonna come gooshin' out my front.
Oui, c'est impossible.
I give up.
- How French.
- You know So what? We just sit here and wait for a clue - from a goddamn thrush? - [scoffs] Thrushes.
Uh, what are you talking about? - Like at the portal of Erebor.
- Uh - Jesus, dummy, in The Hobbit.
- The what? - Wait, what? - Seriously? Holy shit, that's right.
He's been on this crummy island four years, - so he's never heard of The Hobbit.
- Which, as we all know, was published just last year in 1937.
So, what is it? A motion picture or? [groans loudly] Damn it, bird! - It's a book.
- It's the book.
It's got dwarves.
It's got goblins.
It's got wizards.
It's got, um - Hobbits? - Hobbits! Huh.
You guys don't really strike me as readers, - especially of fantasy.
- That's because you're an asshole.
Might I make a suggestion? I know what you're gonna say, Mother, but even if we had enough people to act out the book, we don't have time.
- Yeah, it's long as shit.
- I don't see that as a negative.
- I don't know.
All those songs.
- Eh.
Well, as stupid as this is, I was going to suggest - pulling on the door? - Goddamn it.
- Mm-hmm.
[gasping] - Whoa! Lucky guess.
Okay, let's see here.
[wings fluttering] Um [screaming] Jesus Christ! - Noah! - Yeah? [chuckles] You're on point, buddy.
Wunderbar.
Those damn fools are going to lead me straight to the idol.
[sniffs] And themselves straight to hell.
[cackles] NOAH: Are you crazy? - It's pitch black down there.
- Noah, if I have to ask you again, - it's gonna be in the form of a shove.
- But [grunts] What the? No, no, no, no, no! [heavy thud] ARCHER: Noah, go open the door.
NOAH: How? I can't even see my hand in front of my face.
ARCHER: Well, then I guess you can't see my fists swinging around like a goddamn windmill as I walk toward you, so [arms swinging] [punch lands] PAM: Ow! - ARCHER: Oh.
- PAM: Goddamn it! - ARCHER: Did I get you? - PAM: What do you think? - RAY: Seriously? - CRACKERS: God, moron.
[Cheryl laughs] ARCHER: Oh, come on.
I was trying to hit Noah.
MALORY: For the love of God, will! CHERYL: There is no Ow! [punch lands] - MALORY: Now will someone open the door? - CHERYL: Okay! God! [footsteps] [rock grinds] [oohing, gasping] I think the floor did that.
Well, it should make this a lot easier.
What, a floor that when you step on it random shit happens? Yeah, so I guess, everybody, watch your step.
- Uh, that's it? - Um watch your step and shut up? - Yeah.
Thanks.
- Okay.
- Real mature.
Oh, and I guess try not to bunch up.
Sauf toi Doudou, reste a côté de moi.
Doudou? [gasps] - [all exclaiming] What's happening? - Doudou! - Oh, it's just like the ponies.
- [laughs] Oh, man! That's hobbit as balls! RAY: We must go back.
We cannot just leave Doudou.
ARCHER: Well, not to split hairs, but he left us, so - [rumbling] Jesus Christ! - Oh, no.
What? Noah, what the shit was that? Well, I'm not a volcanologist, and glad of it, am I right? But the Mua Mua were always talking about how Tarako was way overdue to erupt.
- [sighs] Bad news.
- Great.
Oh, how would a bunch of cannibals know? - Oral tradition? - And, you know, technically, - now you're all cannibals, so - I had one little kebab.
What were we supposed to do, insult them? - Plus, I was pretty hungry.
- Can we just pick a direction? Well, they're both pretty well lit.
- I say we turn back.
- Quel choc.
- Then go.
Nobody's stopping you.
- Fine.
Quoi? - [sighs] Merde.
- So left? [overlapping chatter] Okay, and was it just me, or when that big rumble happened was everybody for a second like, "Oh, my God, Smaug"? - Yes! Right? - Who? - Oh, my God.
- CRACKERS: It's like - CHERYL: He's got no frame of reference.
- ARCHER: Smaug, dickhead! The fire-breathing dragon who lives under the mountain.
[laughs] [rumbling] [gulps, chuckles] [sniffs, sighs] [heavy footsteps] - [rumbling] Whoa.
- Goddamn it.
[gasping] So, when you say "way overdue" I don't know, ten years? 10,000? So, either way, probably not great.
- Ugh, look.
- PAM: It's a dead end.
- Damn it, I said we should go right.
- No, you didn't.
Well? Okay, so let's double back.
No, look, I think there's a door here.
ALL: Where? MALORY: And some crazy cannibal cartoons.
[gasps] Petroglyphs.
- [gasps] What do they say? - Um uh - Noah! - Okay.
It says, "This is the temple of the fire god Tarako, guarded by the tupua.
" There's a powerful curse, which the Mua Mua already told me about, so, uh [laughs] That's pretty good.
- What?! - What does it say?! Well, it's a pun; it makes a play on the word for "curse," but also the word for "soup," but it's more like a stew, I guess.
Like, uh Oh.
We don't really have a word for it in Engl Ow! We do have a word for it! "Stew"! Does it say how to open the door? - Yeah, it says push.
- Idiot.
CRACKERS: Wait, so do we want to talk about this curse, or Whaaat?! [all oohing, gasping] - Huh.
- Well? Where's the damn idol? - Um, Noah? - I don't kn Ow! - Then what the hell good are you?! - I got us in the door, didn't I? I think it's safe to assume we would've tried pushing on it.
- Maybe eventually, but - No, no, it's got to be here.
- Come on, help me look.
- Okay.
- Okay, yeah.
- All right.
Well, if you find a bar, I'll take a Mai Tai, hold the fruit juice.
- What the?! - What?! - Uh Whoa! Look! Check it out! - Is it a bar? - Why would it be a bar? Why wouldn't it? This whole place is like a prehistoric Trader Vic's.
Ooh, I think her totem pole did it.
Uh, actually, totem poles are indige Ow! Holy shit! Pam, sit on that one.
Reynaud, sit on yours! Okay, uh, lady whose life I ruined.
Oh, my God, I forgot about that.
[chuckles] - It's working.
- Look at that.
- Voilá! - Noah, Princess, come on, go, go, go! [music] ARCHER: Holy shit.
It's a giant emerald.
[gasping] [overlapping exclamations] Wait a minute, do emeralds glow in the dark? No, but uranium does.
- What? - Uranium? - Seriously? I bet uranium's worth a jillion times more than emeralds.
- Sterling, wait! - What?! - It's radioactive.
- Oh, of course.
That's what the whole "death soup" thing was about.
- Goddamn it, Noah.
- Jesus, Noah! The Mua Mua legend says anybody who touches the idol starts puking and shitting blood and then, uh, melts.
- Now you tell us?! - Also, ew.
Come to think of it, I don't know how anybody could've carved it.
Why would those cannibals let us come all this way to find the damn thing if they knew it would kill us? I really can't stress how much they hate white people.
- Even after we ate Nazis together? - Oh, yeah.
I bet they're laughing their well-toned asses off.
[hysterical laughter] Well, then they're not really our friends.
- Wow.
- Had to be said.
Okay, so how do we get it out of here without shitting ourselves to death? - We can roll it.
- I don't know.
- Lead! - Uh, lead? - Um - So stupid.
- Like when you get an X-ray.
Hey that's right, lead's a natural radiation shield.
Hey, he's right.
- He's right? - Yeah, you heard the man.
- Ugh! - So where are we going to find enough lead in this place to wrap it up? [gun cocks] [all gasp] What? Perhaps I can help.
No, thank you.
Merde! [screams] [squawks] - [grunts] - Ugh.
[laughs] We got company! Late.
Stupid.
[grunts] Hey, Fritz! You got company.
[sighs] Goddamn it.
[laughs] You are powerless against Uber-Fuchs! So, hey, after we get out of here - You think we're gonna live through this? - [chuckles] Why wouldn't we? - Reloading.
- Firing! What the? [laughing] Goddamn it! It's not often you find a primitive people who understand the callback.
[gasps] Oh, crap, I got to rewrite my thesis.
Son of a [grunts] [laughs] [trigger clicking] PAM: Ha-ha! How do you like them apples?! [all gasping] Shit! Ow! I don't like those apples at all! Right? Could things get any worse? [rumbling] [gasping] - Maybe I am a goddess Ow! - MALORY: Thank you! - Was ist los?! - Holy shit, look! - [all gasping] PAM: Well, shit! - Check it out, lava.
Oh, I wonder if that's what the petroglyphs meant by "death soup.
" Oh, yeah, kinda makes sense.
I mean, if you think ab Ow! Guys, come on.
That's dangerous.
[gasps] [laughs] Yes, fools, cower before me.
Just like the world will cower before the German Reich - once we have the idol! - Says who? Says mein Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler! The idol is pure uranium! And with it, we will construct a Wunderwaffe with the power to destroy entire cities! - Oh, typical.
- Of what? - I don't know, Nazis? - Oh, for the Will you do something?! Like what, play "Dem Bones" at him? Oh, great, now that's stuck in my head.
[both gasp] [maniacal laugh] [trigger clicking] Was ist? Ugh! Verdammt Scheissdreck - Look, he's empty, too! - Well, yeah, but [panting] [gasping] [alarmed cries] he's still a giant robot.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Look at him.
- So, you're not gonna do anything? - Well, I'm no good to us dead.
What good are you alive? [gasps] [laughs maniacally] Ja! [laughs] - And what do you think you're doing? - I have company.
- Goddamn it! - Well [grunts] [screams] [all gasping, exclaiming] Pam! [laughs maniacally] Hyah! [Archer screams] OTHERS: No! Sterling! [steady metallic banging] PAM: That was your plan?! - It worked, didn't it? - I mean - Get off me, you fool! - Shut up! [grunts] - Somebody do something.
- I will go for help! - Merci, asshole! - REYNAUD: Not a problem.
[gasps] Archer, it's too heavy.
I cant hang on! - [all gasp] ARCHER: Hang on! - No, that's what I'm saying.
I'm saying it like "give me a second.
" - Yeah, I get that, but - Jesus Christ, will you shut up? Nein, nein, nein! Was is you doing?! - ARCHER: Sending you - Sterling! to hell! [grunts] [Fuchs screaming] Sterling! [all gasp] Oh, for the love of God! [grunts] This actually weighs the same.
- I realize that, idiot.
- Oh, I'm the idiot? - I mean - What? Wait.
No, no, no.
- Archer, no! Hang on.
- Oh, hey, princess.
Listen listen, if we ever meet again - Sterling, no! [all shouting] - Please! just remember this.
We were this close to banging.
- No, we weren't.
- Yes, we Whoa! - Sterling! - Archer! [screaming] [music] [chuckles] This close.
[music] [music] [light crackling softly] [computer beeping] [clanking, hissing] [light buzzing] [clicking dry tongue] Ah Ah, ah Oh, for the Come on, seriously? What, you couldn't find a snow globe? MALORY: Oh, quit your bitching.
Good morning Mother! Shut up.