Archer s10e02 Episode Script

Archer 1999: Happy Borthday

1 10x02 - Happy Borthday [ship thrusters humming.]
MALORY: [sighs.]
Well, this is another fine mess.
Thanks to your idiot son.
- You're as much to blame as he is.
- Wha How? - Exactly.
- Wait, what? - You heard her! - Don't yell at her! - Don't yell at her! - Don't yell at him! - What are you doing? - I don't know! Guys, come on! I think we could all benefit from not yelling! The only thing you'd benefit from is an EMP.
[gasps.]
Not even as a joke.
BARRY: Do I look like I'm joking? I mean, honestly, it's hard to tell with you, what with that robot face.
- [laughs.]
Well, I'm not joking.
- I actually didn't think you were.
Because, meatbag, I don't think it's funny when people steal from me.
What Is that what this is about? What'd you think it was about? Again, hard to tell with you because of your Say "robot face" again, shitlick.
- delivery? - Oh.
You're gonna talk to me about delivery, - after you stole my cargo? - I didn't steal it.
I still have it.
- You Where is it? - On the Seamus.
I was bringing it to you.
Why do you think I'm here? Wha Because I captured you? - Potato, pobobot.
- What? Look, let me go back to the ship, I'll get the thing, bring it back here, and everything's space-jake.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
You must think I'm pretty stupid.
- Eh.
- How 'bout you tell me where it is? - In the safe.
- Let me finish.
I send a couple of my guys to go get it, and - [soft chuckle.]
Well, send a couple you don't like, - Let me because if they punch in the wrong combination, they're gonna be eatinga 20-kiloton burrito for lunch.
- BOTH: Huh? - It's got a nuclear self-destruct.
Okay, so then how 'bout you tell me the right combination? Well, because I feel like if I did, I'd no longer be negotiating from a position of power.
- You think you're in a position of power? - Eh M'kay.
Well, I'm gonna go do this thing with - well, to your friends.
- Tell 'em hey.
And I'm while I'm gone, I'd really like you to give some thought to telling me the combination.
I feel like I have thought about it.
Well, but you haven't met my buddy [heavy mechanical clunking.]
Funbeak.
[screeches.]
[electricity cracking.]
- Jesus Hannibal Christ.
- Right? [chuckles.]
Say hello, Funbeak.
[voice glitching.]
: Hello, Fun-un-unbeak.
- [screeches.]
- [chuckles.]
You kook.
[electricity clicking.]
[title Archer theme.]
Okay, I'm looking around and I'm seeing some pretty mopey faces.
Yeah, 'cause you're selling us into slavery down in the spek mines.
- Wait, what? - Well, not all of you.
- Come again? - PAM: Space phrasing.
Well, thanks to your buddy Bort, one of you has a chance to go free.
And, hell, I'll even throw in your ship.
- Come on.
- That is our ship.
First of all, that's my ship.
- Half yours.
- Shut up.
And And who knows? Maybe you'll win it back.
- Win it back how? - Oh, man.
I was hoping you'd ask that, because this sets up my big reveal.
Bum-bum-baa! Ta-da! [door whooshes open.]
- PAM: Ah! - LANA: Jesus Space Christ.
- CYRIL: Uh okay.
[crowd cheering.]
[music.]
[roars.]
[grunting.]
PAM: Holy shit! It's that dickhead Bort.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
Whoever doesn't die, let's hang out after.
[crowd exclaims.]
[grunts.]
[crowd cheering.]
[chuckles.]
Pretty sweet reveal, huh? - Gladiator fights? Are you serious? - Maybe it is my delivery.
Yeah, Bort rented y'all for his birthday party.
- Rented? - Unless you die.
- Well, then he's buying you.
- Wait, have we done this before? - Somebody has.
- Right? [soft laugh.]
Doesn't matter.
Okay, so while I go check in on Archer's torture sesh, y'all decide who's gonna fight who.
- Actually, it's "whom.
" - I said "whom.
" Or not.
I don't know.
Bee-boo-boop.
Hey, what do you guys think about my delivery? Well, now what are we supposed to do? I guess we got to pick somebody to fight against.
- Aw, man, I can't fight you guys.
- I literally can't.
According to the First Law of Robotics, I'm not allowed to harm a human being.
- I pick Krieger.
- Wha No way! - Yes way.
- Cyril.
Shut your fat mouth! I get Krieger! - Excuse me? - I No, I mean, come on.
I called dibs.
- Well then, I get Ms.
Archer.
- Aw, man.
Well, as much as I'd like to see you idiots stomp each other's heads in - Perhaps another time.
- Ho-ho.
Where the hell do you think you're going? To rescue Sterling and get off this rock.
- Plus, there has to be a bar around here.
- Oh, no you don't! - Whoop! - Ow! - [singsongy.]
: Toodles.
- [laughing.]
- Okay, I pick you.
- Bring it.
Oh, I will.
I'm bringing extra.
So, Cheryl and Lana, Cyril and me, and where does that leave Pam? As the loneliest gal at the Monsters' Ball.
- [chuckles.]
- [laughs.]
: Ooh! [clears throat.]
Krieger, want to swap with me? - Yep, yep, yep.
- Wait, what? [chuckles.]
Oh, man, this is gonna be so gross.
- [soft whimper.]
What is? - Cleaning your nuts out - from between my toes.
- BOTH: Ew.
- [gulps.]
- Yeah.
You better gulp nervously.
- Lana, do something.
- Okay, okay.
Me and Carol, - Cyril and Krieger - Yes.
Then those two winners fight, and then I guess Pam gets that winner.
Aw.
We're all winners in my book.
And I guess just try to make your fights look real, and maybe that'll buy us some time to come up with a plan to get out of this crazy place.
[Archer screaming.]
[gasps.]
That's Sterling.
Come on, already! What are you, hourly? - [ice clinking.]
- I am, actually.
[screaming.]
[panting.]
Please don't do tha [screaming.]
[panting.]
Please I can't take any more.
But Funbeak has so much more to give.
- [grunts.]
- That was a joke.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Listen, listen listen to me.
You guys seriously have to work on your delivery.
Funbeak will try again.
Did you hear the one about the human with no penis? No.
Wait.
Hang on.
Funbeak messed it up.
Uh hang on.
Uh o-okay.
- So - [electrical sputtering.]
[glass shatters.]
- Duh.
- FUNBEAK: Hey.
- Mother? - Sterling.
Are you all right? [soft chuckle.]
I'm not great.
Who are you and what are you doing? Well, I was drinking a surprisingly good martini, but now it seems I'll have to settle for whipping the ass off of some robot cereal mascot.
Funbeak will destroy you.
[screeches.]
Bring it, bird.
[screeches.]
[laughs.]
Holy shit.
This is literally a dream come true.
Which, unfortunately, turns super sexual.
[screeches.]
ARCHER: Will you quit screwing around? MALORY'S VOICE: Oh, you're just jealous.
That you zapped yourself into the CPU - of the world's ugliest bird? - You're crazy.
I'm gorgeous.
- Will you - [door whooshes open.]
- How we doing, gang? - Oh, um, uh [robotic voice.]
: Subject is still uncooperative.
Well, are you zapping his dick like I told you? - Yes.
- All right.
- Let me see.
- As you wish.
Whoa, whoa, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no - [screaming.]
- [whoops.]
Yeah.
[chuckles.]
How 'bout it, bud? Ready to tell me the combination to the safe? [panting.]
No.
All right.
Well, I'm gonna go watch his nutwipe buddies try to kill each other, so - Wait, wait, wait.
What? - Yeah, gladiator fights.
Okay, Funbeak, keep it up with the ol' weenie roast here.
Weenie roast that is a good one.
LOL.
It was good.
And my delivery's fine.
[door whooshes open.]
[door clanks shut.]
Okay, now cut me out of here.
[normal voice.]
: First tell me what's in the safe.
In the what? Nothing.
What are you - I was just trying to buy some time.
- Uh-huh.
Now let's go find the shuttle and get the hell out of this dump.
Whoa, wait, what about the others? Oh they'll be fine.
Aah! Cyril, no, no, no, no, no! ALL: Holy shit.
Ooh.
More like Isaac Assholimov, am I right? I'm right.
Oh, man.
He's cut in half and still talking smack.
Give it up for him.
- [crowd boos.]
- Hey, shut up.
- Whose birthday is it? - [crowd cheers.]
Bort's, exactly.
Okay, put your hands, tentacles, or cloacas together for our next contestants, a couple of furious females, Carol and Lana! [cheering.]
[music.]
- What'd I miss? - Oh, man.
That one dude cut that other dude - look at me literally in half.
- [chuckles.]
Sweet.
[music.]
- Good luck out there.
- Yeah! She's gonna need it! - Wait, what? - KRIEGER: Come on, man.
You're spilling all my robot milk.
Mother, there's way too many guards.
- We need to go get the others.
- What we need is a distraction.
- You could do your bird dance.
- You're one to talk.
- How? - Exactly.
Wait a minute, this thing's got a radio.
- What if we called Ray? - Yeah, what if.
Well, couldn't he do something? I don't know.
I mean, maybe, if we could get him on the radio [big band music.]
Mama's out in space.
Mama's doing stuff.
Mama's eating cake [munching.]
- and if he wasn't Ray.
- Probably eating all the cake.
So, come on, let's go get the others.
But if you leave Lana here, you'll have the ship back all to yourself.
Well, you'd still be there.
- Wh - And Ray.
Uh.
Such a fatty.
[munching.]
And I don't want the ship bad enough for Lana to actually, you know, die.
- Who says she's gonna die? - [yells.]
You are gonna die! Wait, wait, what's going on? Gladiators, on your marks - Wait, wait, hang on.
- Get set.
[yelling.]
Whoa - Whoa! - Bitch! [grunts.]
[cackling.]
[grunts.]
Oh, for the Can you believe this? [chuckles.]
Right? I'm not gonna lie, I've got my species' equivalent of a boner.
- Ugh.
- Ew.
Shut up.
You can't smell it.
Yes, we can.
[grunts.]
Hi-yah! [grunts.]
- Berserker! - No! No, what are you No, no! No, no, no! [crowd exclaims.]
I did not see that coming, ladies and gentlemen.
I guess it's just anything go Oh, my God! [laughs.]
- [gasps.]
- [grunts.]
Oh, so you want to play for keeps? - Oh, man, a full-on battle royale.
- [Lana and Cheryl grunting.]
- This may be the best birthday party ever.
- CHERYL: Bitch! Or, actually, maybe the third or fourth best birthday party ever.
[war cry.]
[grunting.]
I've never had a birthday party.
- Well, and who would come? - Wha What are you guys doing here? I thought you died or ditched us.
- Oh, now, uh, nobody died.
- Not yet.
Holy space shit.
[grunts.]
[grunts.]
Someone's gonna get hurt out there.
- You think? - He said "someone," not "something.
" - Ugh.
You know - Krieger, shut up.
How are we gonna get those dickheads to stop fighting long enough for all of us to escape? Hmm.
[gasps.]
Ooh.
- Same height, similar build.
- Oh come on, no, that's just Just crazy enough to work.
[sniffs.]
Ugh.
And speaking of crazy, what is that smell? [sniffs.]
Oh, damn it.
Did Pam have a boner in here? Wha You can smell them? [stifled laugh.]
You-you can't? [sighs.]
[cheering.]
[music.]
This wasn't the plan, you idiot! - Well, I wasn't paying attention! - PAM: Oh, yeah? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no - Well, how do you like these apples? - [crack.]
- [groaning.]
I do not like those apples.
[whoops.]
Thanks, Barry Six.
This is the best.
I mean, I know we're not friends or anything, and I actually I don't really have many friends, or any, really Yeah, you realize if they kill each other, you got to pay for 'em.
Totally worth it.
[slurps.]
Plus, I got a ton of birthday money.
Thanks, Nana! - She used to be super hot.
- Nope.
- Psst, hey, dummy.
- [grunts.]
Yeah, you-you ordered a teabagging? [low grunt.]
- [electrical cracking.]
- [body thuds.]
What in God's name is a teabagging? [soft laugh.]
Oh oh, come on.
- Like you don't know? - I'm sure I don't.
But I'll bet it's something disgusting.
- Eh.
- Now, will you go wrangle those idiots so we can get the hell out of here? - Okay, go get Krieger ready to move.
- Or we could leave him.
- Or you.
- All right.
Jesus.
So, hey, since he brought it up, do you have any thoughts on teabagging? [low snarling.]
Uh, cool.
Uh, excuse me.
[cheering.]
Are you even serious right now? [panting.]
Seriously? [Archer yells.]
[laughs.]
Kooch, the undefeated champion, is taking on four opponents at a time? - Did you do this? - A five-man bunkhouse stampede? - How and why would I? - Mm.
Okay, folks, let's make some noise for K-K-K-K-Kooch! [yells.]
- Is he serious? - [grunts.]
'Cause my toes only have room for so much nut-butter.
- BOTH: Ew.
- Seriously.
- So temporary truce? - Ugh.
I guess.
[chuckles.]
Okay, dickbag.
You ready to party? [whispers.]
: No, wait, wait, wait.
Guys, it's me - BOTH: Archer? - What? - Hey, uh, what are they doing? - Yeah, what are they doing? Don't stop.
We got to act like we're fighting - while I tell you my plan.
- Well, what's the plan? - We're gonna run for it.
- Excuse me? Well, first we get Krieger and Mother, and then we're just gonna haul ass to the gig, smashing and slashing anyone who gets in our [audience gasping.]
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I guess they're not acting suspicious.
And also: whaaat?! - Ow! - That's your plan? I'm sorry.
Did you have a Ow! Damn it, will you quit smashing me Ow! [laughing.]
[laughs.]
Goddamn Ow! [grunts.]
Wow.
Fame is a fickle mistress, huh? Wait a minute, hang on.
He's right.
- Huh? - Wait, what? What other choice do we have? If we stay here, we're as good as dead.
[groans.]
Which, serve you right,by the way.
So, how do we even do this? [yelling.]
[all screaming.]
[cheering.]
Yeah, see? I mean, just like that, they're cheering for the other guys, like Wait a minute [all screaming.]
No, no, no, no, no, that's Archer! Move, Nana! Well, why do I have to carry him? - Because look at you.
- Look at you.
- Why are you a bird? - Why are you a rockslide with tits? [sobbing.]
- Burn.
Ow.
- Shut up.
- Can we go? - Damn it.
It's my plan, I'm the group leader.
[all exclaim.]
[growling.]
Archeeer! And I say let's go! [all yelling.]
- [woman yelps.]
- [glass shatters.]
[growling.]
Aah! Move! [sighs.]
Still my fourth-best birthday.
Mm, third.
Mother! Calm down.
Let's go.
Let's go, come on.
- Goddamn it, I'm the group leader! - Yeah, way to lead, buddy.
Archer! Eat dicks, Barry Six.
[whirring up.]
[music.]
[sighs.]
Friggin' Bort.
[slurping, chewing.]
[spoon clinking.]
[clears throat.]
So, uh, listen, uh, I know things got a little heated down there, and maybe we said and did some things that we wish we could take back, but I hope we can put all that behind us and Sterling stole something from Barry Six and it's in the safe, so this whole idiotic fiasco was his fault.
- Archer! - Busted, Archer! - Archer, come on.
- Well, Mother touched my penis.
[all exclaim.]
Ew! Yeah.
Since we're playing the blame game.
So just picture Mother's big old nasty bird claw touching my cock.
- [sniffs.]
What the - Uh-oh.
- Oh, God, gross! - Jesus Space Christ.
- God damn it.
- [chuckles.]
: Well that's our Pam! - What the hell are you doing? - Freeze frame.