Archer s10e08 Episode Script

Archer 1999: Cubert

[ominous music.]
Lana: So, again, I just want it on record I'm 100% against this.
Pam: Aw, you're 100% against everything cool.
Lana: No, I'm not.
Shut up.
- Like what? - Pam: Um, Ranch Tub.
- Lana: Oh, for the - Krieger: Come on, man.
Cheryl: Everybody was against Ranch Tub! Seriously, Pam, quit trying to make Ranch Tub happen.
Malory: Do I even want to know what that is? Only if you never want to eat ranch again.
- Malory: I meant ranch.
- Lana: What? - Malory: That's a food? - Lana: It's not important.
- I wouldn't go that far.
- Can we please - Cyril, shut up.
- Lana: Seriously.
Come on, if we're gonna do this, let's do it already.
We're sitting ducks with you two out there.
- Well, whose fault is that? - Lana: What? Yours! You made us stop on the way to Earth for the damn thing.
Exactly, and everybody remember that when it's time to divvy it up.
Malory: Do you think it's worth anything? Hmm, hard to say.
[blooping.]
I've never seen anything like it.
So you just jam it with my new pen? - This is new, this pen right here? - Yes, as a matter [scoffs.]
- You know - Cheryl: Ooh.
Maybe it's ambergris.
How could it be ambergris? - Cheryl: If a whale puked it up, duh.
- Oh, a space whale? Cheryl: I don't know all the types of whale! And yet somehow you know about ambergr - Pam: Oh, maybe its mithril! - Malory: Is that some other food? No! And it's not mithril.
- Pam: Just checking.
- Lana: Whatever the hell it is, just box it up and let's go already! All right! Jesus! So what do you think, Cyril? - [sighs.]
About what? - Is it firm enough to shove in the box? [chuckles.]
Nobody? Pam: What, like "space phrasing"? [sighs.]
No.
Never mind.
[title theme.]
10x08 - Cubert [Geiger counter crackling.]
And radiation levels are normal across the spectrum.
Well, keep testing.
Radiation's just one danger.
That thing could be carrying deadly bacteria - or some kind of virus.
- First of all Bacteria and virus are the same thing, dummy.
- No, they're not.
- Shut up.
Krieger? - They are not.
- Oh, well, what am I thinking of? Space whores, presumably.
Well, right then, I was, but Hey, nobody gets out of there until I'm sure that thing's not a hazard to the ship, so the longer you dick around, the longer you're gonna stay in quarantine.
- Any questions? - What the Pam: Yeah, are you doinks done yet? 'Cause I wanna check that crazy thing out.
- Pam! - What? You just broke quarantine, dumbass.
So if there's anything deadly on it, now the entire ship's infected.
Yeah, but you wouldn't have been.
- What? - Helmet, genius.
[sighs.]
God damn it.
[warbling.]
I'm gonna call him Cubert! Krieger: Okay, that was the last test.
And I can confidently say that the object poses no nuclear, chemical, or biological threat to the ship or crew.
[sighs.]
Not that we could've done anything about it if it did, - thanks to Pam.
- You are welcome.
Hey, can we take a second? Isn't it crazy that that little scanner can do all those wildly different tests? - I mean, come on.
- Yeah, pretty great.
Yes, hooray for everything.
Now, what's it worth? Well, that, I can't say.
I don't even know what elements it's made of [laughs.]
Assuming they're even known to us.
- I'll have to do many more tests to - Ooh, here's a test.
- Cut the damn thing open and [all gasp.]
- Krieger: Whoa, hey! - Cool! - Holy shit! It's magnetic! No, I don't think so.
There's metal all over - the place in here, so - Oh, my God! Our fillings! - What are you talking about? - [groans.]
A, fillings are nonferrous, so [muffled yelling.]
- So - [muffled yelling.]
- So even if it were magnetic - It's not gonna eat your damn fillings.
[muffled muttering.]
- But I don't think it is a magnet.
See? - Well, then how Okay, um, pick up another scalpel.
- And? - Huh.
Well, I had a theory [muttering mockingly.]
- Damn it, woman! If you don't - Ah! - Lana: Oh, shit.
- Krieger: [clears throat.]
That it was reacting to a weapon.
[gasps.]
Then let's kill it! Kill it! Kill it before [screams.]
- Lana: Whoa! - Krieger: Aah! - Oh, shit.
- Uh Hmm, or maybe just aggression.
- What? - Huh.
Come on, you're saying it can read our emotions? I'm not saying anything yet.
[thudding.]
- How 'bout now? - Oh, no.
Sorry, need to do a whole big series of tests before I can [thudding.]
- Huh, still interrupting.
- Typical.
But we should probably uh Carol, come on.
Let's get out of there.
[grunts.]
Wow, that's [groaning.]
- Somebody give me a hand here.
- I can help.
- Somebody strong.
- [sighs.]
Ready? [both groaning.]
I mean I mean, that's crazy, right? All right, Jesus.
I'm doing it.
- Okay, Pam, you're up.
- Mm-kay.
One, two, three, go.
[all groaning.]
Son of a Go! [all groaning.]
[all panting.]
I just thought of something.
Oh, my God, if you say "Ranch Tub" No, shut up.
Look, I can bench, like, 500 kilos, - so I can keep pulling on her, but - Eventually something's gotta give.
Like her birdy little neck bones.
Because whatever this thing is, I mean, it's obviously supernatural.
Well, since when is it supernatural? - Well, it's not a magnet.
- Oh, come on.
So those are our only two options, ghosts or magnets? [thudding.]
- I mean - Oh, come on.
This is just some bullshit of yours to put off going back to Earth.
[laughs.]
What? So, what, Lana, I conjured up some kind of telepathic ghost cube? I didn't say you conjured it up, dickwrap.
I said that [eerie tone.]
- Huh.
- [sighs.]
[foot thuds.]
Well, I hope you're all - [body thuds.]
- Jeezy Petes.
- Happy.
- Is she breathing? - No.
- So she's - I mean - Oh! If only we had access to some sort of device which could tell us! - Krieger! - What's that? Oh, right, the scanner! Doy.
Hang on, let me reset it for [gasps.]
[all shout.]
Ah, Jesus! - Are you okay? - [coughing.]
- I think so.
- What was it like? - What did you see? - I don't know.
It I can't explain it.
- [gasps.]
Oh, my God! - What? - I just remembered.
- Remembered what? I don't even have fillings.
[laughs.]
[eerie tone.]
[dramatic music.]
Pam: So that whole time you're in there, you didn't see anything? [mouth full.]
No, I mean, it's hard to explain.
It was kind of like I was nothing and everything? If that makes any sense.
About as much as what normally comes out of your mouth.
- And speaking of your mouth - What about it? - You're really packing it away there.
- Um, I'm hungry.
Sue me.
I will if it turns out you ate all the priceless filling out of that cube.
Oh, my God.
[muffled muttering.]
- What? - [muffled mumbling.]
- [sighs.]
Pointless.
- You really think it's worth something? It's gotta be, I mean, to somebody.
And whom might that somebody be? Well, obviously we need to do some market research, - but it's - It's gone.
- What? - Wait, what? - Gone? - [choking.]
- What are you doing? - What's the matter? Hey, the food ain't that bad, baby.
[coughing and retching.]
What's wrong? Are you choking? - Typical.
- Cyril: W-w-w-what's the matter? - This is serious.
- Get a spoon in her! Space phrasing! [clears throat.]
- No.
- Plus, that's a collectible! - [coughing.]
- Get that spoon in her! - I'm trying.
- [retching.]
[guttural howling.]
[coughs.]
[food squelches.]
- Cyril: Oh, God.
- Malory: Ugh! - Krieger: Gross.
- What the shit with the spoon?! - I - We thought you were What, "She's choking, so let's shove a goddamn spoon down her throat"? - Yeah, Cyril.
- Hey, you know what? I know the stupid cube is gone.
- All: Yeah.
- Yeah, what happened? - Yeah, what the shit, Krieger? - It was right here on well, six inches above the table.
I needed some more sterilizing wipes, so I Why would you need sterilizing wipes? - I - Oh, Krieger, buddy.
Please tell me you didn't try to have sex with the ghost cube.
- Krieger! - That's nasty, Krieger! - Cheryl: Ew! - No, of course I didn't.
We can check the security footage.
There isn't any.
The camera was off.
- Oh, how convenient.
- I did not have sex with the cube.
- Because first of all, with what? - Oh, okay, okay.
You wanna make your stupid little Ken Doll jokes? Would they be warranted? - I - Focus, people.
There's a million credits' worth of ghost cube missing.
[chuckles.]
What happened, Ken? [sighs annoyedly.]
As I was saying I needed more sterilizing wipes.
I need more sterilizing wipes.
[scatting.]
So I walked out the door, and after it closed behind m, I keyed in the alphanumeric code to lock it.
[long keypad beeping.]
I walked down to the supply room, got the wipes, and walked back.
I keyed in the code to unlock the aforementioned door.
[long keypad beeping.]
[door clangs opens.]
I walked in What the The cube was gone.
So obviously one of you took it.
- No, we did not! - That's bullshit.
Nobody took your new girlfriend.
Yeah, plus, we were all together in the mess, so - So how did it leave a locked room? - Plenty of ways.
Here, hold this.
[shimmering tone.]
All right, let's go find that thing.
And let's all split up.
We can cover a lot more ground that way.
So individually go bumbling around this big ole spaceship looking for a ghost.
To bumble or not is up to you, but whoever finds it gets to keep it.
- Wait, what? - Malory: Findies keepies! - Wait a minute, what? - Huh? [laughs.]
- Cyril: Out of my way! - Cheryl: No, no, no, no! Get out of my way! No! [all groaning.]
And bumble it is.
- Get out of my way, meathead.
- I saw it first! - [all grunt.]
- Wait a minute.
Now, look, before you all go running off half-cocked Krieger, we don't have time to pile on you - with a bunch of no-dick jokes.
- I knew it right when I said it.
- I call bridge! - Well, I'm coming with you.
- Lana: No, you're not.
- Uh well, then I-I get the crew quarters.
You better not go in my boudoir! Okay, I call dibs on the aah! - Dibs on them ribs, sucka! - Oh, holy shit.
That really hurt.
Well, if you think that hurt [laughs hysterically.]
That's disconcerting.
- Yeah, ya think? - Yes.
Ray: I said no, God damn it! [groaning.]
- Get out! - Hey! I won't have you manhandling my beautiful things.
Well, how do I know it's not in there? - Because we said so.
- Who's "we"? [gun clicks.]
[scoffs.]
Is that supposed to be funny? [menacing music.]
- [gun zaps.]
- Cyril: [yells.]
[chuckles.]
Hope it was his dick.
- Cyril: Right in the foot! - Eh.
- Lana: Any luck? - No, Lana.
And this is my area, so - [eerie music.]
- So So so talk about space whores, huh? - Excuse me? - I, um Uh, nothing.
Uh, ne never mind.
- I'll never your mind.
- Um, airball.
- Lana: I'll air your balls.
- [chuckles.]
Yeah, yeah, you will.
Lana: God damn it! [sighs.]
Holy shit, I think I'm seeing things.
I maybe need to get some sleep, huh? [chuckles.]
Or at least my balls aired out.
- Yeah, right? - [screams.]
- Man: Hey.
- Who the hell are you, man? Man: What are you I'm TV's Michael Gray.
TV's Michael Gray who? - Michael: Uh, TV's Michael Gray says quit being a dick and open the door? Seriously, quit being a dick.
Okay, um, h-hang on.
Okay, on three.
Ready? - Michael: Can we not do it on one? - Shut up, okay.
One two! [chilling music.]
[gulps.]
Disconcerting.
[whispering.]
Michael.
TV's Michael Gray.
Mikey-Mike, where are you? Pam: Who the hell's Mikey-Mike? Exactly, that's what I'm [screams.]
'Cause you think he'd like some of this? [grunting.]
What? No.
Stop that.
What what are you doing? [munching.]
[mouth full.]
I'm hungry.
Sue me.
[gulps.]
And then get up to the bridge.
Her Lanaship has some big announcement.
- Whoa, what, did somebody find it? - [burps.]
Find what? [gulps.]
What cube? Mother, I am extremely not in the mood, so seriously, where is it? You mean like an ice cube or something in a Rubik - Quit dicking around already! - Hey, whoa.
I'm talking about the mysterious and possibly haunted ghost cube - that Carol got her head stuck in.
- I think I'd remember that.
And I'd be the first one to believe she got her head stuck in something.
- Thank you.
- But you are just sounding insane.
You sound insane! All of you! Oh, oh, and I all know what you're trying to do.
You wanna maybe walk us through that? [chuckles.]
Oh, my God.
I know somebody found the cube - and that it's findies keepies.
- You mean finders keepers.
But don't stand there and lie to me! - Nobody's - Plus, you dressing - like a whore? - Excuse me? - And how is Cyril's foot okay? - Uh, what, now? You got shot in the foot, asshole.
And, oh, my God, TV's Michael Gray? - TV's Michael who? - Huh? All right.
I don't know if you got in the meds locker or if this is just the onset of tertiary syphilis, but - He better not have syphilis.
- Why had he better not have syphilis? I wh because syphilis is bad, dude.
Listen to me, God damn it! [glass shatters.]
- Oh! - Easy! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
- And speaking of meds, don't you think you could use a bit of a relaxer? - No! - Oh, now Krieger, don't you have - something to take the edge off? - As a matter of fact You and your pills keep away from me, you you dickless fish! [gun clicks.]
- Wha - Ray: He's got a gun! Sterling! Sterling, look at me.
Now, I don't know what's wrong, but I promise you, whatever it is, we'll fix it.
But first you have to trust us.
- Oh, no.
- Suit yourself.
- Krieger? - Krieger: Yep, yep, yep! Archer: No, no, no, no [dart thwacks.]
[groans.]
[moans.]
You dick.
[gunshot.]
- Jesus! - [screams.]
[Cyril wails painfully.]
[chuckles weakly.]
[body thuds.]
[sighs.]
All right.
Krieger, take him down to the med lab and try to find out what in the hell's the matter with him.
Cyril [whining.]
: Him? What about me? - We know what's wrong with you.
- Yeah, foot hole.
- Malory: Well? - Krieger: Well, it's really kind of weird.
Lana: Uh, no shit.
Krieger: The scanner shows normal vitals and doesn't show anything physically or neurologically unusual.
No drugs in his system and just what I assume is a therapeutic level of bourbon.
- And no syphilis? - No venereal disease of any kind.
Or judgment, by the way.
- Don't care.
- Eh.
- How does that thing know all that? - I know.
Pretty great.
All right, keep scanning or whatever, and keep him down here until you find out what's wrong with him.
[ice cubes rattle.]
My therapeutic levels are low.
And I could actually use some sterilizing wipes.
- I'll bet.
Keep an eye on him? - Mm-hmm.
[keypad beeping.]
[lock clicks.]
Uh hello? Is there a reason you locked the door from the outside? Krieger? Hello? - [sighs annoyedly.]
Super.
- Archer: Is it? Oh! Jesus Christ, Archer! What are you doing? You scared the shit out of me! - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Pam: Well what'd ya expect, nerfnuts? It's alcohol.
It's gonna hurt.
- Well, if you think that hurt - Yes! Yes, I do think it hurt! You'd better not be wasting that.
Um, guess it kind of depends on how you mean.
I mean, we've really only got two options here, Lana.
One is that this is all some sort of ruse, and the other is that I'm crazy.
- You're kind of acting crazy.
- I don't think I'm acting crazy.
- That's kind of one of the symptoms.
- Ah, the old catch-21.
[chuckles nervously.]
21, 22, whatever it takes.
[hair rips.]
Ow! Shit! Jesus Christ, you are crazy! Yeah? Would a crazy person do this? - No, no, no, no, wait! - [grunts.]
[weakly.]
Yes [static crackling.]
- [roars.]
- [groans.]
- [roars.]
- [grunts.]
[menacing music.]
[groaning.]
[scatting.]
[keypad beeping.]
- Lana: No, no, no, no, no, no! - Hey, what the - [muffled screaming.]
- [gasps.]
[alarm blaring.]
Female voice: Emergency.
Med lab.
- What emergency? - Well, it has been almost a minute - since Archer got some attention.
- You're just a mess.
- Holy shit! Look! - Oh, my God! Come on! Come on, come on, come on, come on! [negative beep.]
Argh! - [grunting.]
- [muffled screaming.]
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! - Why the hell is it so long? - [coughing.]
Space phrasing.
- That's just how it comes! - [coughing.]
Twofer.
Oh, my God, just reset it, Dr.
Science! [yelling.]
Will you shut up?! If I mess up, I have to start all over again! [grunting.]
Sterling, stop! Do you hear me? [static crackling.]
Stop it this instant! What are you doing? [both grunting.]
My frickin' tit! [muffled screaming.]
- Sterling! [yelps.]
- A Tennessee titty twister? [grunts.]
All: Whoa! Well, how do ya like these titties? [grunts.]
[yelps.]
- [panting.]
Lana? Are you all right? - I [groans.]
I think so.
- Ugh, my magazine's not.
- Shut up.
And, Pam, Gillette throw his ass in the brig! [dramatic music.]
[yelling.]
Yeah, well I guess we'll see about that! Huh? Pfff.
The brig.
Like, where do they get off? They're the ones running around changing clothes and shooting people in the neck with darts and eating perfectly good magazines.
You know? I mean, that's crazy.
I mean, right? - Yes, sir.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Mmm.
God, that's good.
Wait, are are are you supposed to be here? - No, sir.
- Huh.
Now, that's disconcerting.
Yes, sir.