Archer s12e05 Episode Script


[dramatic music]
Burning down a warehouse?
Sinking a super yacht?
Crashing a school bus
- through another school bus?
- Oh, X marks the tragedy.
Uh, empty school buses,
for the record.
- But wow, very full of gas.
- I think the phrase
you're all looking for
is "mission accomplished."
The phrase I'm looking for
would fill my swear jar
to the fucking brim.
[coins rattle]
Damn it.
And why do you insist
on shooting every vat you see?
Because shooting vats
is spycraft 101.
Also, I didn't know
the vat would explode.
I was banking
on some sort of acid.
I didn't know boats could burn.
Aren't they, like, super wet?
On the bright side,
destroying the lab
means it'll no longer
pollute the harbor
and kill endangered harbor seals.
See, Mother, the explosion
was good for seals.
Maybe the seals
understand the concept
of collateral damage
that I have to pay for!
- Seems abstract for a pinniped.
- Look, the important thing
is that we got the microchips,
which means that
W-wait, you don't know
what the microchips were for?
I don't keep track
of every microchip we recover!
And missile guidance.
- She guessed.
- Okay, fine. What were they for?
- Why would I know?
- I assumed chemical weapons.
I got more
of a spy satellite vibe.
Hmm, I got more
of a "you got beat up
- by a mob boss's preteen son" vibe.
- I couldn't punch a ten-year-old!
Or block his punches.
- Jesus, are all debriefs this negative?
- I mean yes?
ALL: Oh, yeah.
Come on, you're heroes.
You took down a secret lab.
- Uh, yeah, there's always a secret lab.
- And they're never very secret.
I'd never been there before, and
I knew where the bathroom would be.
Take your ennui outside and
do whatever you do with it.
[light jazzy music]
- Are we boring now?
- I mean, Cyril always was.
- [sighs] Fair.
- And Lana got boring
- once she got married.
- Excuse me?
Aw, and her hearing
is starting to go.
You're spies. [chuckles]
You're just overworked.
Hey, when was the last time
you all went out for drinks?
Uh, I'm guessing drinking
alone outside doesn't count.
Think she means as a group.
And it has been a while.
Huh, you know, that might be
a nice change of pace.
That's a great idea.
There's this new bar called
I Don't Want to Go Home.
It's right next to
My Marriage was a Mistake
and down the street
from Fun Cool Single Life,
- but that place closed down.
- Probably because of the bad name.
Come to think of it, we haven't
gone out since Archer was
On sabbatical,
because that's what it's called.
My nephew is in
a medically induced sabbatical.
I got plans later, but I'm
down to rage before my rage.
First round's on me.
KRIEGER: Hold that thought!
- No.
- Aww.
Next stop: memories we can't
remember! [elevator dings]
ALL: Spies! Spies! Spies!
Spies! Spies! Spies! Spies!
[title music]
[lounge music]
Ugh, maybe this work hang
would be better if we
Split up? Absolutely.
- I'll be at the bar.
- PAM: Darts.
- ARCHER: Women.
- KRIEGER: I got alley.
Sort of defeats the purpose
of a work hang
- and they're gone.
- I'm still here.
- Stop doing that.
- I'm just trying to feel something.
This group/night is so lame.
[gasps] We should get
matching tattoos!
- [gasps] In matching places!
- Mm, I've done worse for less.
If you really want
to liven things up,
we should all take my new
experimental psychedelic.
- What does it do?
- Not sure yet.
But the rats seemed to like it
before they died.
No? Your loss.
ARCHER: There he is.
Hey, come meet my friends.
- Oh, my God, your eye.
- Oh, this?
- Yeah, that. That's from
- It's from a little boy punching me
while I tried to tie him up.
- What the hell was that?
- What?
You can't just say
the humiliating thing.
You're supposed to change the
subject. Then I don't let you.
Then you try to explain
but it doesn't work.
It's no fun if you just admit
you're a loser right away.
What can I say?
Maybe I am a loser.
Yeah, you are
a loser.
- Damn it, I feel nothing.
- Maybe feel a little compassion
- for the man you destroyed?
- Charles Van Doren?
He betrayed America's trust
in quiz shows, Pam.
I mean Cyril.
You broke him, dude.
- How is Cyril being lame my fault?
- Because he was happy
and good at his job
and insanely ripped,
and then you woke up and
started insulting him. And now
- [grunts] Guys.
- Come on, man.
Guys, I already agreed
to buy you drinks!
- Buy us a drink.
- Shoving me solves nothing.
So yeah,
pretty explicitly your fault.
Oh, my
[laughing] That's hilarious.
Oh, my God.
Did you see that?
- He just walked away from me.
- Whoa, take it easy, married lady.
Ugh, you sound
like my husband
who I love and will text to
join us right this minute.
Lana, I was kidding.
Is this about Archer
calling you boring?
No, it's just, what if he's right?
Sandra, a man walked away from me.
That has literally
never happened before!
- Hey, can I get a couple light beers?
- You can, but you won't.
- Hey! Not cool, Pam.
- Put it on her tab.
This rager's on fumes,
and we gotta refill the tank
- the booze tank.
- Ugh, mescal and Schuetzie?
- Do those even go together?
- Time to find out! Prost, chicas!
Cheryl, I'm gonna
say something
and you're probably gonna laugh.
Don't tell me what to do!
But fun.
[chuckling] Pam thinks I
ruined Cyril when I woke up.
Why aren't you laughing?
- Mm
- Wait.
- Do you think I ruined Cyril too?
- Um
- Cheryl!
- No?
- Good.
- Not just Cyril.
- Wh-what?
- Cyril was first.
But when he got bad at missions,
it put pressure on Lana,
which led to her marital problems,
which made Pam gossipy,
which made me
start stealing again.
These aren't my shoes.
Well, excuse me
for waking up from a coma!
Are we not saying
sabbatical anymore?
[suspenseful music]
MAN: Yeah, I ain't said nothing.
I didn't run away.
The guy with the cane gassed me.
Yeah, yeah,
with magical cane gas.
- Do you know how stupid you sound?
- Can we go to the hospital now?
No! We wait for them to leave
and see how they like
to be ambushed.
I don't think they'd take
the microchips to a shitty bar.
This is about self-respect, man.
The boss can get
new microchips for
- whatever they were for.
- Pretty sure it's super soldiers.
Robert, good.
Question: has me being
out of a coma made Lana
A, better,
B, slightly better,
or C, basically the same?
- I guess she's been more distant.
- Not one of the options, Robert!
- What are you even doing here?
- Lana invited me to join you.
Yeah, she seems
super invested in that invite.
- I love your hands.
- Wow, she is really
They're almost as big as mine.
I mean the same size as mine.
- We're hand twins.
- Ugh, out of practice.
Hey, was Lana aggressively
flirting with other men
- before I woke up from my coma?
- No, that's pretty new.
Damn it. Also, sorry.
I wouldn't read into that.
Oh, my G [laughs]
- Or that.
- You know what? I trust her.
Make sure everyone
has a good time.
- I'll text Lana I couldn't make it.
- Wait, one more question:
did you also lie to her
while I was in a coma?
[door clicks open and shut]
- Pam, you were right.
- Usually am.
[sighs] I broke Cyril,
and broken Cyril broke the group.
Yeah, it's a real butterfly effect.
And the hurricane
is everyone sucking.
I know what I have to do,
but I don't know
if I have the strength.
- You mean
- Yes. I have to fix Cyril.
You're gonna need this.
Yoink! I'll handle the others.
Bartender, the biggest bottle
on your highest shelf!
- Whoa, Cyril, leaving so soon?
- Ugh, might as well.
All the women here
think I'm a child kidnapper.
- WOMAN: Creep.
- Failed child kidnapper.
Well, there's plenty
of fish in the sea
who don't think you're a pervert.
- How about a drink?
- Mescal?
You know they cut down
an acre of rain forest
- for every bottle of this.
- I'll cut you down.
Wait, no, actually, the opposite.
I, uh, actually
would love to hang out.
With me? Why?
I'm so lame.
- ARCHER: No, you're not!
- Ow.
Sorry, I thought you'd at least
try to block that.
Anyway, it's time we caught up.
Take me to one of those
famous Cyril hot spots.
- Is this a trick?
- Cyril, I am genuinely trying to reach out.
Jesus, did you, like,
totally drop workouts?
Seriously? [sighs]
At least I didn't just
lie on the floor crying!
I got shot, okay?
Yeah, and now
you won't shut up about it.
- [line ringing]
- Hi, Sara? Yeah.
Hey, yeah, could you stay
with the kids another hour?
[sniffs] Sure, um, go ahead,
yeah, order pizza.
Oh, oh, hey,
Sara, there's a coupon
on the fridge in the
Hello! S oh, shit.
She ain't gonna see that coupon.
Man, tonight crashed and burned
like a school bus
into a school bus.
But I finally got a number.
- Aaaaand it's just a receipt.
- Are we splitting that, by the way?
'Cause I think it was all
on my card.
God damn it, did you people
totally forget how to party?
- If you're looking to party
- Krieger, you've already
taken, like, seven of those.
Really? Ooh, I might
be going away for a while.
It's like Archer
coming out of a coma
put all of you in one.
But I have the cure.
It's time for a Pampage!
It's a play on words:
"Pam" and "rampage."
- I got that.
- It's technically a portmanteau,
- like "brunch" or "spork."
- Or "murdercide."
It's a word.
I was almost part of one.
Look, I've got plans tonight
that I never let
work friends in on,
but this is an emergency,
so you're all invited
to come melt your tits off.
That seems extreme.
- Agreed. I am in.
- I could melt.
- My fingers are whispering!
- Krieger's in.
- So do you know what it's time for?
- A Pampage?
Oh, shit, I already
said that part. But yes.
[dramatic music]
So do you always have
these T-shirts in your car?
- Pampage!
- What happened to me?
I used to be great at flirting.
- Eh.
- Eh? Krieger, male perspective?
Shh, I'm invisible.
This isn't what I had in mind
- when I said we should go out.
- Or is it?
Sorry, I thought
we were closer to the corner.
- Or is it?
- Great, a scary warehouse party.
PAM: Great, right?
By day, it makes socks,
and by night, it rocks.
But the sock machine is
still running, so be careful.
# #
I think I might need
a new bandage.
I think you need to shut the hell up.
We could jump 'em now.
- It is a smaller group.
- No.
- I live just around the corner.
- So?
So how about
we go kill someone
on the corner
where your kids ride bikes?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
[music thumping] LANA: Ugh.
We're gonna be here all night.
Ugh, I'm with an old who
cares about being up all night.
- BOUNCER: Yo, Pamageddon!
- Sploosh! My man!
Is that where that comes from?
- These sacrifices for the ring?
- [laughing] Oh, hell yes!
- No!
- Nah, just friends.
Any chance you could
throw me a plus-four?
After what you did
for my nana, anything, huh?
Do not, under any circumstances,
try to keep up with her.
[techno music playing]
# #
- [grunts]
- [laughs triumphantly]
[engine roaring]
# #
- Aren't those toxic?
- Maybe!
I am getting so many
good tattoo ideas.
[gasps] Forehead!
I'm gonna find
a quiet corner and whoa!
Welcome to the good life, Sandra.
Damn it, Krieger, be careful!
CYRIL: Easy.
You'll break Jupiter.
ARCHER: The planetarium, really?
I asked you where you go
to have fun,
not where you went
on your fifth grade field trip.
CYRIL: It may not look like it,
but this place has
- a crazy singles scene.
- As in they have a single year to live?
- What's that?
- Uh, nothing, dear. Enjoy your stars.
- While you can.
- Come on, it's fun.
And fifth grade field trips
don't have secret wine.
I guess it depends
on your school and mother.
Anyway, do planetarium shows end,
or do people just leave
when they're depressed enough to
[spacey music]
Witness the majesty of space?
- Pretty great, right?
- It really is.
You know, I kinda
spent a year in space.
- And that's enough wine for you, sir.
- Cyril, for the last time,
you cannot have wine in here.
Run! We'll lose him
in the asteroid belt!
- [slurps]
- Huh! I didn't know he had friends.
Oh, more of a coworker situation.
- PAM: Shot!
- Mm. Ahh. Because all I do is work.
And now that Robert
works with us,
my husband
is also my work husband.
There's your problem.
You gotta set boundaries.
That was my secret when
I tied the knot. Shot!
- Wait, you're married?
- Oh, God, no.
I'm talking about
when I officiated
a Wiccan hand-binding ceremony.
- Shot!
- Mm.
Ugh, shit.
Am I just doomed to be boring?
Screw that. You just need to
remember what single life is like.
And I've got the perfect reminder.
- Krieger, wrap it up!
- Shoot!
Stop dancing and fight me, Dad!
Put him in a body bag!
- Do these shots while I get the keys.
- Done. Wait, keys?
Hey! Keys to what?
- [engine revving]
- Ey, what the shit, Pam?
I'll bring it back
tomorrow maybe!
To the edge!
Back to the edge!
Uh, guys?
[engine rumbling]
- They have a monster truck?
- Who the hell are these guys?
This drug makes cars feel huge!
- It's so tiny and fast.
- If it was life-size,
it would be going
800 miles per hour!
What? That's incredible!
ANNOUNCER: Final lap!
You got this, Cyril!
It's just you and green.
- Careful!
- I. Can. Hold. It!
In your face, green,
you absolute piece of shit!
- [whimpers]
- I-I mean good game, I guess.
Jackson, you've got five minutes
to cover these ladies
in sweat that isn't theirs.
- Make it three.
- Whoo!
MAN: I'm just saying,
who does this help?
To quote Edward Counsel,
revenge is but a small circle.
Plus, it is getting late for revenge
- and my babysitter.
- MAN: And I'm weak from blood loss.
- So we'll get 'em next time?
- MAN: Yeah,
next time for sure, buddy!
[cell phone buzzes]
Oh, no, the boss says
get the microchips back now,
- or we're dead.
- How? I'm a master of strategy.
My tactics were flawless.
And yet my forces lie decimated.
Because you left
your Beastmen exposed
- to his Chaos Dwarf.
- Well, yeah, that's obvious now!
Okay, double or nothing,
which I guess means
- two candy bars?
- Then prepare, knave, to
- [gun cocking]
- Call me knave again.
[laughing] I'm kidding!
Good role-playing, Kyle.
LANA: So-ho who's next,
- the cowboy or the scientist?
- Ha, the scientist!
- Okay, that's where we call it.
- Holy shit, is that
CHERYL: That prince-y guy
who was gonna buy my house.
Oh, no. Wait, guys,
maybe he hasn't seen us yet.
Maybe it's just a stripper.
A stripper dressed
specifically like Prince Fawad?
- My friends!
- Oh, shit.
I knew I recognized you.
You were all there
that day my mother and I
planned to buy a local mansion.
- I think you have us confused
- No, no. Then you seduced me.
Then someone else tranquilized me
before we could consummate
our relationship.
Hmm, I don't remember that day.
- We do get hit in the head a lot.
- And tranquilized a lot.
Anyway, congrats
on figuring out you're gay
- before you had sex with Lana.
- Gay? [laughs]
No, no. I just come here to
pick up lonely, horny women.
- Aww.
- Yes, so, uh, would you like to come back
- to my penthouse for drugs?
- Yeah, I could use a top-off.
Yeah, thanks but no, thanks.
- But actually, thanks. We'll come.
- Really, Lana?
Partying with a drug-dealing
prince feels a little extreme.
Maybe for boring married Lana,
but for cool single Lana,
it's just another school night.
Well, it's your overdose.
Hurry up with that fool.
They're coming.
- Just stand up, man.
- Is this the hospital, guys?
- MAN: They have armed guards now?
- Who the hell are these guys?
[body thuds]
PAM: Sploosh
would love to see this.
He's working on his master's
in architecture.
I'm doing this, right?
I have to, right?
- Are there more shots?
- FAWAD: So, ladies, interloper
- Yo!
- Shall we begin?
[electronic whirring]
CHERYL: That's the second-biggest
automatic lube wall I've ever seen.
Don't worry.
We can take this [whispers] slow.
- Said the naked man.
- Thanks for noticing.
ARCHER: My Berserker cries,
burying his ax
in your weeping king's chest.
As my Dragon Warrior rips off his
[dice clatter] Penis.
Not my choice. Rolled a two.
BOTH: Ugh!
Hey, you can beat up a kid.
- Now just do that in the field.
- Yeah
I don't know if I want
to be a field agent anymore,
- but I'm afraid to tell anyone.
- What?
- Oh, God.
- No, Cyril, that's amazing.
- It is? Why?
- I thought you were
getting worse in the field
because I was insulting you.
You're just getting worse
because you hate it.
- I still don't love the insults.
- You'll get used to it, moron.
Anyway, you gotta do
what's right for you, Cyril.
Because tonight reminded me:
you're kinda special, and
[cell phone buzzing]
Wait, hold on. Getting a call.
- Uh-huh.
- PAM: [over phone] Penthouse.
Crazy lube wall.
Horny tigers. Pampage.
- Gotta get rid of the body.
- Oh, thank God.
I almost bonded with Cyril.
This better be good.
Cyril and I were
doing something
way less weird than this.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
- I think he mixed two blues with a green.
- No, I took that.
He took three reds and a white.
Oh, God, I shouldn't
have tried to keep up.
- I shouldn't have tried to keep up.
- What the hell happened?
I tried to give myself
a tattoo of a witch skull
with colored lube,
but it got kinda blobby.
Uh, think he meant
with the dead guy.
Lana, you couldn't handle this?
I was I was I was
gonna be his first.
- I was almost his first.
- Obviously we're too drunk,
and his guards are right outside.
Fine, we got this.
- Does Krieger have a bone saw?
- To chop up a civilian?
- To not go to jail, Cyril!
- No. No chopping.
We just need a way to sneak
a body out of the building.
Ooh, I got this.
[uproarious laughter]
Gentlemen, don't wait up.
Let's get him to the docks
in something inconspicuous.
[engine revving]
[techno music]
[car alarm blaring]
# #
[engine roaring]
[tires squeal]
We're in a car chase!
Shut up.
My sitter is leaving.
And we wouldn't even
be in this car chase
- if you weren't a coward.
- Would a coward have nerve gas?
- Where the hell did you get that?
- Warehouse.
Just an insurance policy.
Right, Carl?
- Carl?
- I think Carl is dead.
[tires screech]
- Okay, we're good to go. Krieger?
- Will you hurry up?
You're embarrassing me.
- [Lana and Cheryl gasp]
- Damn it.
Who the hell is that?
- ARCHER: Hey, don't need the light.
- Then you should not have crossed us.
- Did we cross you?
- Probably.
- We do cross a lot of people.
- Yeah, who are you guys?
We're the guards from that
warehouse you blew up today.
- Well, that's a relief.
- Why could that possibly be a relief?
- We know they're not good guards.
- Archer, he has a gun.
Yeah, we all have guns.
But we have nerve gas.
[canister beeps]
Insurance policy!
- CYRIL [in slow-mo]: Hiyah!
- Oh.
[men screaming]
- LANA: Oh, wow.
- PAM: Oh, God.
All right, Cyril, AKA Murderfoot!
- The field agent is back!
- I guess maybe I am.
[bone snaps]
Cheese and crackers,
this pavement is uneven!
- And he's gone.
- Which we need to be.
[dramatic jazzy music]
Guys, someone should say something.
- I stole a bunch of his lube.
- Amen.
# #
Who's ready to party?
- He's alive?
- Oh, thank God.
- You didn't check his pulse?
- No. We were crazy high!
- Oh. Still are, to be honest.
- Guys, grab the truck!
[all grunting]
- We got this.
- [Archer grunts]
- CYRIL: Oh, come on!
- Thanks, Murderfoot.
[suspenseful jazzy music]
[engine revs, boom]
- Um, why did it explode?
- [laughing] Oh, that was me.
[sighs] I learned a lesson today.
No idea what it is.
- Don't use lube to make a tattoo?
- Sort of looks like a palm tree.
- I see a fountain pen.
- [gasps] It's a Rorschach tattoo!
[tires screech, car door slams]
[laughing] Oh, yeah, Sandra.
- How did you find us?
- I followed the monster truck
and the explosion
and whatever that cloud was!
- Nerve gas.
- I'd say cyclosarin.
Jesus Christ!
You realize the chemicals
you dumped in the ocean
will probably kill ten times
the seals you saved.
In our defense,
going out was your idea.
Because I didn't know
you were monsters!
[snaps] Guys, the microchips
were for landmines.
- ARCHER: Oh, of course!
- CHERYL: Oh, yeah!
- KRIEGER: Landmines!
- CYRIL: Obviously.
- The Pampage does it again!
- Does what?
Pampage! Pampage!
ALL: Pampage!
Pampage! Pampage!
- PAM: Whoa!
- Oh, no.
[water bubbling]
Any second.
She's coming up.
W-we should probably go get her.
PAM: [inhales]
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