Archer s12e07 Episode Script

Colt Express

How much longer
is this gonna take?
I don't know,
how long does it take a man
- to become a God, Lana?
- I don't know, ten minutes?
I still don't understand
why I have to be this naked
in front of Mother.
I don't think you all
appreciate what I've done here.
Billions of wires, carrying
trillions of data packets,
perfectly and delicately calibrated
to dive into the wet,
- gross mind of a man!
- It all looks pretty mad scientist-y.
Oh, you've even got one
of those big power switches.
That is a precision device!
That I've been saving
for something weird.
So, Krieger, how does this work?
You gonna transfer
his memory banks
into my neuro-brain stuff
or whatever?
- I call it the reverse Frankenstein.
- Okay, definitely mad scientist-y.
And you're certain this will
give us the information we need
to rebuild the device IIA stole?
I'm certain it might
if his brain doesn't explode.
Wait, which "his?"
Am I the "his?"
- More importantly, are we in the splash zone?
- Shh. Quiet!
I need total silence
to initiate the sequence.
Sorry I'm late.
I was volunteering at what
I thought was a soup kitchen
- Shh!
- God dammit!
Ooh, right, sorry.
Wait, what are we doing?
This guy has some
science thingy in his head
that we need for money,
but he's in a coma
and we're almost out of money,
- so Archer's gonna go into his brain.
- We're broke?
Is that why the vending machine
costs money now?
- No, they just finally fixed it.
- We're technically not broke.
Just operating on a leaner budget
now that Robert
is tightening the spigots.
Well, money doesn't
come from spigots.
So that might be part
of the problem right there.
That, and how much did
you spend on this thingamabob?
Well, you gotta spend money
diving into brains
to make money diving into brains.
Speaking of thingamabob, do I
need to be hooked up down there?
Great question.
It's working.
It's working!
Here we go, buddy.
See you on your insides.
No, no, no, no, no!
Wait, what happened?
Where did he go?
If by he, you mean me,
well then, ta-da!
Where am I?
I'm getting a sex dungeon vibe.
- You're not far off.
- Metaphorically or geographically.
- Did it work? Am I in?
- Nope.
But, side note,
I know how to cure comas now.
Would have been useful
a couple of years ago.
The soup kitchen was a sex club.
Can you remember anything
about who you are?
- Where you come from?
- Uh
I think maybe,
your mom's butt?
- Ooh, a funny scientist.
- Aw, come on. I have my moments.
I'm a scientist?
It's possible
the massive electric shock
may have fried
a few of his circuits.
- Look, science isn't an exact science.
- Okay, then let's start simple.
- Do you remember your name?
- Uh, no.
Bet my name's something cool
though, like, Colt.
- Yeah. Let's go with Colt.
- Damn. That is cool.
And you're sure
you don't want us
to call you
Dr. Something or other?
Ugh, lame.
Trust me, Colt is fine.
Wait! I'm getting something.
A small blue house,
- two children, and a wife
- Ugh, enough.
Colt, you're a very
important scientist
on a very important mission, okay?
To redesign the device you were
transporting in Moldova.
Can do, I'll just grab
this pen and paper, and voilá.
- Not bad.
- But terrible riding form.
Oh, I guess I can't do.
But you know the device
we're talking about?
- What does it do?
- Well, if memory serves
- And it mostly doesn't.
- It's an energy source.
Properly used, it could
eliminate our dependence
- on fossil fuels altogether.
- What about improperly used?
It could wipe out
all life on the planet.
- Science, you crazy bitch.
- Yeah.
Oh, God, that must be why
IIA wants it.
It's a classic "evil villain
destroys the world
with some sort
of weird doomsday device" plot.
- Obviously.
- Oh, hey, wait.
I'm remembering some other stuff.
- One, metal rules.
- Preach, brother!
And two, I left my notes
on a memory stick
hidden in the device,
along with a homing beacon.
Did I have a talky-talk on me
when you picked me up?
Okay, I might be able to track it.
- Whoa, who is this hot piece of ass?
- That would be you.
Ah, here we go.
The device is in Singapore.
- IIA's headquarters are in Singapore.
- I'll get my checkbook.
That's my room service!
- We just got here.
- I preordered it from the plane phone.
Damn. How do you say
"Bitchin'" in Singaporean?
Actually, the primary
language here is Mandarin.
Did that feel good?
Making me feel small?
- Yes, it did.
- This place is incredible.
This was almost our honeymoon.
Maybe an anniversary?
Oh, sure, yeah, maybe.
Hey, where's Ray?
Who knows? He's been asking
for a lot of time off lately.
For some family emergency
or something.
As if four cats are family.
I'm all for a successful mission,
but first class tickets,
and a penthouse with room service?
We need to talk about how
much all this is costing.
Everyone, listen up.
Lana, Cyril, and I will survey IIA
and develop an entrance strategy.
Okay, this will ping
the homing beacon, I think.
- Still a bit fuzzy on the science.
- That's great.
Krieger, you stay here with Colt,
and try to jog his memory
for more information.
Hey, I'll race you to remember.
- Hey, I am a funny scientist.
- Eh.
- And, Mother
- There has to be a bar around here.
Uh, keep doing what you're doing.
And, Robert,
you're on point here at HQ.
- So what are they doing here?
- Um, comic relief.
- Thank you so much.
- Ah! Are you tipping him $500?
Relax. It's my money.
And sometimes I like to give
service people a thrill.
I'm sorry, Miss,
was my service unsatisfactory?
Perhaps this is generous
in your country,
but in Singapore, it's
how would you Americans say it?
- Jack shit.
- What?
Singapore is an
extremely wealthy country.
- And there he goes again.
- Ha! Your money means less.
Wait, am I poor here?
Do you really have to bring
that up right now?
What? All I said was,
"Trouble in hell,"
as a play on "trouble in paradise,"
because your husband sucks,
and it seems like you're avoiding him,
which, now that I think about it,
- I should've said, "success in hell?"
- I don't want to talk about it.
What happened?
Did you tell him about
- tongue-wrestling that dude in Japan?
- Jesus, Archer!
- You cheated on Robert?
- No!
Well, I almost, sort of,
kissed someone else.
- Oh, my God.
- But that's all that happened!
- Besides the cuddling.
- Not helpful.
Okay, how about now?
No, I don't think
the jogging's working.
Hey, what if you put me back in
the coma and woke me up again?
- A hard reset.
- That's just crazy enough to work.
Or not work. Pretty 50/50.
I think I remember
liking those odds.
- God, I love science!
- Well, I don't.
Dammit, Lana, if you're
making a cuckold of Robert,
- he deserves to know!
- That is not what's happening!
And who are you to judge?
- You and I both cheated on each other!
- And it broke me!
Not a real high bar.
Cyril, I'm sorry for the past, okay?
But this is different.
I am not the same person
I was back then.
Also, I never told you about
any of the times
I cheated on you
when we were together,
and trust me, Lana,
you were way happier for it.
Oh, you never had to tell me.
Shh, follow me.
We're gonna go in the bedroom.
Oh, so anyway,
uh, this is what
a king-size bed looks like.
I'll see you out, Mrs. My Dentist.
She fell for it!
Let's just focus on the mission
infiltrating this weirdly
casual botanical garden.
Wait, I think we did it.
This is the top spy agency
in the world.
You can't just waltz right in.
Because it seems to be working.
- Bingo. All
- Clear!
What the hell are you doing?
Uh, putting the ghost back
in the meat suit.
Going again!
1 Bukit Batok Street,
25, Singapore, 658882!
That's my address. I lived here!
Also, I talked to God.
She is real, and she is pissed.
- Sounds like my kind of broad.
- Okay.
Go to that address and see
if he remembers anything else.
We'll stay here and handle the comms.
Okay, are you sure
you know how?
- Go!
- Don't worry, we've got this.
Sterling? Sterling, it's me.
Sorry, Malory, we have
a similar system at my company.
- I think you're on mute.
- Turn it up. Sterling?
Sterling! Sterling!
And to speak,
you gotta hold down the
If you move that hand another inch,
you won't have it anymore.
Thanks for joining the IIA team.
Have a seat
and fill out this application.
- Orientation will start shortly.
- Uh, okay.
Well, well, well, look
who just waltzed right in.
We didn't have a choice.
Some IIA drone
handed us cucumber waters
and told us not to miss
the orientation.
And he complimented my surveilling.
Looks like this is some
sort of recruitment event.
Oh, they must be poaching
agents all over the industry.
Hey, y'all, come on in.
Come on in, welcome.
All right, let's fill up
from back to front.
- Wait, Ray?
- Archer!
Uh, this isn't what it looks like.
Unless it looks like
I'm working for IIA,
because then, yeah.
Although technically
I'm temp to perm.
Welcome to the IIA family.
You're about to start
the most exciting journey
of your lives.
To be honest, I'm jealous.
Ray, what in the Harold Cole?
You're working for IIA?
It's not personal.
I just need a back-up plan
in case the agency goes down.
So you've been commuting
back and forth
to work part-time in Singapore?
I just borrow Robert's plane.
I mean, that way it's free 99.
IIA may be the world's
leading spy agency,
but we only have one mission
to make the world a better place.
Ugh, why do all billionaires
have this gross savior complex?
You're married to a billionaire.
- For now.
- Shut it.
What are y'all talking about?
- Lana cheated on Robert.
- We just cuddled!
Which is emotional cheating,
which is way worse!
- Yeah, she's a monster.
- Oh, my God. I want to die.
And I want deets!
God, I have missed the hot goss.
Home sweet home.
I guess I'm not married with kids.
Hmm, this is your place?
Ooh and ah.
As in, I'm in awe
of how eww it is.
I guess if I lived in Singapore,
I'd have to live in
a hellhole like this.
- Probably drowning in my own urine.
- Oops, rent notice.
Damn, my rent
is $12,000 per month?
- Um, wait. Is that a lot?
- Yes!
- Whoa, sweet guitars!
- Right? I hope they're mine.
- Does any of this spark anything?
- Oh, not yet.
- Oh, no! No! No!
- What?
My name's not Colt.
It's Jeremy!
- Ugh.
- Wait, what's on the back of that?
- Numbers.
- Yes!
- Location coordinates, to be exact.
- Let's roll out, bitches.
Hold on, I feel like there
has to be something else.
I think this might be important.
Okay, well, just bring it
with you and
And I think
this might be important.
The model submarine and this broken
plastic fork are definitely important.
- Okay.
- And this!
The model submarine,
the broken plastic fork,
and this poster of an alien
in a bikini are all important.
- Sure, fine, now can we just
- And this! This is for sure important.
Oh, God, no!
- Wait, what about this?
- Eh, nah, that's nothing.
But it was hidden in that statue!
Okay, fine.
But you're carrying it.
That's the big question?
Well, here at IIA,
the answer is flipping
the paradigm so we achieve
our measurables with
maximum ROI cost-benefit.
Oh, hey, I just got
corporate buzzword bingo.
Well, mock all you want, but
Fabian knows what he's doing.
Oh, yeah, and what is that?
Securing a monopoly
over the entire spy industry
so he can corner the market
and gain undue influence
- over national and global politics?
- He also makes a mean quiche.
It's all just so structured.
Oh! An org chart?
- Hey! Snap out of it.
- Right. Bad guys.
Organized, sensible,
401k-providing bad guys.
Listen, this orientation
is our chance, okay?
We have to get further into the
building without drawing attention.
Good luck. Security might
be breezy out here,
but nobody gets into zone 2
without a lapel chip.
It also controls
when we can use the bathroom,
which seems, you know,
like a crime, almost.
They make us pay for these!
Good God, this guy is lame.
This is supposed to be our competition?
Mm, technically, no.
He's crushing us.
You're so lucky
this ripped on a seam.
You could've asked me for help,
you know.
Could I? Or are you too busy
working for the competition?
- Again, not our competition.
- He's got a point, Ray.
Of course I'm gonna help you!
I mean, don't get me wrong,
the money's great here,
but y'all are family.
I'm gonna try pinging
the homing beacon.
That must be
the underground warehouse.
- Great. Can you take us there?
- Sure thing.
Oh, I just earned my
bathroom break for the day.
Who needs a pit stop?
- I could tinkle.
- No time.
Just pee in your pants.
It's what we trained for.
Sterling, dear, it's me.
What is your status regarding
Operation IIA Take Down? Over.
Damn it!
- Sterling? Sterling!
- Moms, right?
Aw, totally bungling
a mission for avoidable reasons?
Ah, it takes me back.
Well, that was easy.
Hey, what's the form you fill out
for getting your ass kicked?
Looks like 22-C,
which entitles them
to free rehabilitation and
up to four weeks sick leave.
Shit! Guys, the memory stick
is on the move from the warehouse.
Okay, let's split up.
Lana and Cyril, you get
to the warehouse and rig
the device to explode.
Ray and I will find the memory stick
and we'll meet you there.
- Oh, no, why'd it have to be Terry?
- Please, we can take him.
No, he's just the only friend
I've made here.
We ate lunch everyday
at the same table.
All agents, be on the lookout
for suspicious elements.
- Ah, buttercups.
- Any weaknesses I should know about?
- He loves pudding?
- Probably won't come up, but okay.
- Ah
- This isn't personal!
I genuinely value you
as a co-worker and a friend!
- Who are you?
- Oh, screw you, guy!
- Guards. Be careful.
- Should we tiptoe?
- Like you're tiptoeing around Robert?
- Cyril, I swear to God.
- What will you do if he finds out?
- Well, as long as no limp-dick,
four-eyed nerds
run their mouths, he won't!
One, we both know my penis is
generally firm when it needs to be.
And two, I've been hesitant
to say this,
but you leave me no choice.
Lana Kane,
you are turning into Archer.
And you are turning into
a gigantic pain
in my otherwise perfect ass.
There's our target.
- Okay, I'll create a distraction
- No, I've got this.
Watch the bureaucratic master at work.
You there!
You can't be on guard duty, you
forgot to fill out your T9-32!
- Got it right here, pal.
- Oh.
But that truck
isn't a company asset,
- which means you also need a
- A CM-5? Not my first rodeo.
Hey, don't you need a VS-10
to be in here?
Crap. Good bureaucracy.
Okay, maybe not
the best distraction.
- Ya think?
- Just like your emotional affair
isn't the best distraction
from the fact that
Oh, my God.
I'm not turning into Archer!
Let's look at the evidence.
You hit on anything that moves,
you party all night
and sleep all day,
and you've been taking
way too many
- gummy women's multivitamins.
- Wait, that's an Archer thing?
Damn it, those explosives were
the only way to blow up the device.
All right, so we'll rig
a bomb or something.
Okay, "Archer."
- What?
- Enough!
Everybody enough!
If I know IIA,
Diamond Force is probably
coming for us right now!
- Diamond Force?
- The elite kill squad.
- They all wear matching diamond rings.
- Cool.
Well, we can't leave
the device and risk IIA
using it to blow up the world,
which means
- Yeah?
- Oh, I had hoped you had something.
This is the nicest
parking lot I've ever seen.
What do you think this space
goes for right here
between these lines?
Like, 5, 6 million?
Do you recognize anything yet, Colt?
Hold up.
I thought his name was Jeremy.
I'm sticking with Colt, damn it!
- There, that's it.
- Oh, my God. It's gorgeous!
Just installed
a new engine last year.
There's a kegerator in the back,
and she gets
three miles per gallon.
But on a good downhill, I can
jack that baby up to four.
How do you remember
nothing about who you are,
- and everything about this van?
- I mean, I get it.
- Change of plans.
- As usual.
- What the? Ray?
- Pam! Guess what?
We don't have time for this.
It's Diamond Force!
- What's the plan, Archer?
- Um, swerve until they
accidentally shoot the device
and blow it up for us?
Someone get Mother on comms!
I need some cataract-filled
eyes in the sky.
We no longer have comms
because you two destroyed them!
Shouting at me doesn't
make me regret things, Cyril!
Yeah, sometimes you have
to make a call in the moment!
- Ho-ho, of course you'd take his side.
- Who's side? Mine?
I am not! Turning!
Into Archer!
Okay, I really feel like
you guys are talking about me.
- Damn it, could you be quiet?
- Wow, passive aggressive much?
Not the point, asshole.
This is Ray to Old Mother Hen.
Do you copy?
- What did he say?
- Mother!
It's them! We're back online!
I need you
to find me a cliff!
- You look!
- Yeah! Teamwork!
Okay, looking for a cliff.
Let's see, there's a gentle slope.
It's really beautiful country.
Oh, my God, dying over here!
There! The Marina Bay Sands!
There's the incomplete freeway
overpass nearby.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but nice work, Robert.
Okay. Everybody in the van.
- Excuse me, his name is Jethro Kull!
- Whatever!
Smooth in-line tracking,
and accurate ceiling constellations?
- This van rocks!
- Did someone say, "rock?"
- Ragnar Rockingson!
- Oh, good, another Krieger.
Get the memory stick
and Colt out of here!
- What about you?
- I'm gonna ditch the flatbed
over the overpass and hope
the fall destroys the device.
What if you can't
make it out in time?
Just jump the gap
and we'll lose them!
- This way's more heroic!
- Asshole!
Ah, shit.
- Sterling Archer.
- Present.
You may have destroyed
my device and stolen my plans,
but you left us with a very
powerful bargaining chip
- My life?
- Your life!
Shit, sorry. I can tell you
thought that would sound cool.
Here, try it again.
Blah blah blah,
bargaining chip, and
- ah, shit!
- Do you ever shut up?
At movies, I guess.
If they're good ow!
Oh, God,
Mr. Archer is gonna die,
and the agency is gonna go bankrupt,
and I'll be stuck in Singapore
living in this van!
- Back seat folds down into a bed.
- Oh, my God, it does!
You know you're still bonkers
rich in America, right?
Oh, yeah. I feel better.
Let's go home.
Okay, what about saving
Archer and the agency?
- Eh, I've got options.
- Cyril, cover me. I'm going after him.
And how do you plan to do that?
That's Diamond Force!
- I mean, did you see those rings?
- I'll figure it out on the way!
So no plan.
Just like Archer.
Risking everything
for whatever works for you.
It's a shame it had to come
to this, Sterling Archer.
Yeah, I'm feeling that too.
Might be a near death thing though.
Near death?
I don't want to kill you.
I want you to work for me.
It's just a shame it involved
blowing up my warehouse.
What? When we first met
you said you'd never hire me.
What can I say?
You've grown on me.
Your pure,
raw instincts are something
no organizational flowchart
can replace.
Well, right now, my pure,
raw instincts are saying,
"Screw you, Fabian!
I'll never help you with your classic
"evil villain destroys the world
with some sort of
weird doomsday device plot!"
- What?
- You heard me. Never!
Wait, do you think I'm, like,
some kind of, super villain?
Oh, my God, that's so
oh, that's so funny.
Okay, I can totally see how it
could have come off that way.
Wait, so you're not trying
to destroy the world?
Archer, I want to use the device
for its intended purpose
eliminating our global
dependency on fossil fuels.
Wow. I mean, talk about crossed wires.
But first, I'm going to make
fossil fuel companies
pay me a huge ransom
not to use the device,
whilst also running
a protection racket
over every major country
to ensure I don't blow them up.
Okay, wires uncrossed.
You're evil. I'm back out.
Shame, I'm going to make trillions.
And you could have been part of it.
But alas.
Holy shit!
Oh, my God.
Oh, you guys are in so much trouble.
Let me introduce you to Barry
the death cyborg,
who actually is my friend now,
right, Barry?
Sorry, pal.
It's actually Other Barry.
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