Archer s13e08 Episode Script

Dough, Ray and Me

This is it.
The slightest misstep
means disaster.
Ah, my best work yet.
Sadly, I think you're right.
Another one
for the maybe pile.
Cheryl, you know I love you,
but if you don't start helping,
I'm gonna snap your vertebrae
like pistachios.
Aw, that does sound like love!
Come on! We need 100 of those
by the end of the day!
Well, since we're not
gonna make it anyway,
it won't matter if you eat one.
You know I'm trying
to keep that under control!
Why do you think I'm doing it?
Yaa ah-ha-ow
I saw you lick crumbs
off your face I win.
- You okay?
- Why was it so hot?
- Were you wearing oven mitts?
- What are those?
Damn it!
What are you idiots doing?
You tell us, ass-face.
You say we're on a secret
mission to destroy Fabian,
and we've been undercover
for three weeks in this bakery.
It's a patisserie,
and it's not like I love having you
mess up my profitable side business.
That you use
as a personal slush fund.
Obviously that.
Wait, where's the other guy?
Weird beard science dick?
Everyone knows that
sourdough starter is alive,
but the question remains,
is it horny?
Listen up.
Our intelligence says
that Fabian will venture out
into the open soon,
then you'll kill him.
Wait, this is
a straight-up assassination?
What are you, children?
He's blackmailed
the president of Manatina
into declaring martial law
and is turning the whole country
into his personal fiefdom.
Why not just have
CIA hit men do it?
First off,
the CIA doesn't have hit men.
Second, they're busy.
Third, we can't have
our fingerprints on this.
Unlike every pastry
you ding-dongs make.
Yeah, it'd be a real shame
if the CIA got a bad name.
All I'm saying is that
we can't have blowback.
- So if I get captured
- Put a bullet in your head?
No! Jesus.
Just rescue me.
You were way too quick
with that.
And the fewer CIA people
we have involved, the better.
- We might have a mole.
- Oh, you don't say.
I mean, at this point,
isn't Langley
considered a national wildlife refuge?
You've got so many rodents
in the CIA
that the C probably stands
for Chuck E. Cheese.
Why are you thinking
about Chuck E. Cheese?
Because you wanna go there
with a kid
that you got tricked into having
who no longer sees you
as her father?
Or maybe the other kid you had
with a hooker?
- Whoa. Jesus, Slater.
- The C stands for Central.
It's a soft C.
All right, let's go kill a guy.
So we've got a man
on the inside.
He says Fabian is leaving
the presidential residence soon,
and the only route takes him
through the central square
and right by us here
at the Confectionery Institute
of the Americas.
- Subtle.
- I don't do subtle.
Has anyone ever explained
to you what a spy is?
Has anyone ever explained
to you what alcoholism is?
- Yeah, like, dozens of times.
- Okay, this is our killbox.
Oh, great.
The only problem I have
with this is that it is insane.
You can't put a killbox
in a public square.
Hmm, let me look.
Yeah, I can, and if you
don't wanna do this mission,
it is your God-given right
as an American to go home
and face the crimes
you've all been framed for.
not one of my favorite rights.
Move over,
quartering of soldiers.
This is President Lucero,
until now, a progressive reformer.
But she's been blackmailed
and possibly taken hostage
by Fabian
and a security team led by
- our friend Ray Gillette.
- Hey, I know that guy!
Look, Cheryl, Fairy Stix!
I always carry some.
Wait, how are we gonna take out
Fabian without hitting Ray?
I mean, he's being a douche,
but if being a douche
were a capital offense,
we'd have to carpet-bomb
Wall Street.
- And frankly, seems expensive.
- Look, Ray made his choice.
And this might be
our only chance
- before Fabian solidifies control.
- Aw, but it's Ray.
I just I just put
so much awesome tech in him.
He's more machine now than man.
Look, I get it. I'm human.
And I'm sensitive
to your feelings here,
but if it comes down to it,
shoot Fabian
through Ray's goddamn head.
- What about her?
- She's not our concern.
It's the CIA's policy
not to intervene
in other countries' internal politics.
Or you're hoping
this mess will get her deposed
and you can replace her
with a right-wing dictator.
- Touche.
- I think it's pronounced "Pinochet."
Be ready in half an hour.
Not to be sentimental,
but if Ray does die,
I'd like my stuff back
from his corpse.
Did anybody bring a chain saw?
Everybody ready?
Yeah, but it's weird
not having Ray here.
Come on, he'd probably
just make some crack
about how I'm unreliable
and drunk
- which is so unfair.
- Yeah, he'd say something like,
"If only we had to kill your liver,
- we could just wait ten minutes."
- Aha, okay.
- "Easy, 007 and seven."
- Okay.
"If I wanted a partner
that pissed,
I'd team up with your
underwear tomorrow morning."
Okay, Jesus.
Now I really do wanna kill him.
Do you really think
he's gone bad?
I mean, he did give
all our secrets to Fabian,
and before that, he was working
at IIA without telling us.
And he was really touchy
about the snake bite thing
and the spider bite thing.
I mean, come on, get over it.
I did, like, immediately.
Okay, we'll have a better shot
at not killing Ray
if we adjust these positions
I've got it, Lana.
Here's what we do.
Okay, so the first task
is blocking the exit.
Cheryl, that's on you.
"Father of Freedom,
may you stand and watch over us
until the last trumpet plays."
- Yikes.
- We're gonna need a trumpet.
Pam, after that,
you'll join Cyril
at the entrance so they can't retreat.
So we're, uh, really doing this.
No, you're dreaming.
That's why this doesn't hurt.
Lana, you're eagle eye.
Call out threats.
If you've got a clear shot,
take it.
Meanwhile, I will ready myself
for combat using
spiritual techniques
that owe much too Spartan
and Maori ritual.
Excuse me,
I asked for a martini,
not a liquid analogue
of your character:
weak and disappointing.
Archer, I'm seeing an alleyway
that's not on the map.
Could be a possible escape route.
- We should shift
- Lana, quick question.
- Are you Laszlo Toth?
- I am not.
Then why are you despoiling
my perfect work of art?
Fabian will be
in the middle of the motorcade
well past the alley.
It'll be fine.
Motorcade approaching.
Three cars.
30 seconds to contact.
Let's pucker and poke 'er, boys.
- Come on.
- Really?
- No!
- No!
Look, as leader,
you need to clear
a new catchphrase with me
before you trot it out
in front of everybody
like a brain-damaged
suicidal circus horse.
Wink your stinks,
no time to think.
- What did I just say?
- Everyone shut up.
are you ready to detonate?
- Ready!
- Miss?
Less ready.
Not ready!
Abort! Abort!
Just throw it!
It was the last trump
oh, it hit the woodwinds.
Converge on car two!
No, do not converge.
He might not be
Ignore! Converge!
Also, abort that last order.
Just for spite.
Nobody's here.
Come on, Ray.
Bend down and tie your shoe
or something.
I don't have the shot.
I repeat, no shot.
Archer, the cafe!
Oh, you little
Can't say I'm sorry, Fabian.
What the shit, Ray?
You're gonna take a bullet
for this douchehole?
Kinda hoping not to,
but I'm not the one
pointing a gun at me!
He made the only
rational choice, Archer.
You should do the same. An
entire country at your disposal.
Every appetite fulfilled.
Ha! My appetites will
never be fulfilled, Fabian,
because I am ultimately empty
is, I guess, what I'm arguing.
But it doesn't matter.
You can't do a hostile takeover
of a whole country.
You'll get thrown out eventually.
True, if I didn't have leverage.
We discovered
the world's biggest deposit
of the rare earth metal
Hexon downriver.
Thanks for getting me a sample
last time you were here.
Come on, Ray.
We have to save the agency.
It's Mother's legacy.
- That has to mean something to you.
- Don't guilt-trip me!
You didn't even come see me
in the hospital
when you got me bitten
by that snake!
And now you're giggling
- about it?
- I am not.
Ray, I swear, I was thinking
of something else.
- It was the spider.
- Well, now I've found someone
who knows what loyalty means.
It was just the perfect moment
for that!
- You idiot!
- Oh, I'm the idiot?
- You just got double-crossed!
- I was playing him!
But that doesn't make any
That might make a little sense,
but why didn't you kill him?
Because I'm not gonna kill
the one person
who can actually clear our names!
You think Slater
cares enough to do it?
And now we don't even have
anybody on the inside!
That's where you're wrong, Ray.
Slater has a mole!
- I'm the mole!
- Wow.
He was totally willing
to kill you to get to Fabian.
What a freaking shock.
I was trying to set this up
so we could capture Fabian
and have him clear our names.
So you just made this
whole thing infinitely harder.
- Ass.
- Well, obviously,
but w-w-what about huh.
But wait, then
ah, shit.
Well, yet another successful
mission for the ass-for-head gang.
Yeah, well,
maybe you could have told us
Ray was your man on the inside.
How would that have helped?
Maybe they wouldn't have
almost killed me?
No, I mean
how would that help me?
And how do we even know
you're not playing both sides
right now?
- Oh, don't answer all at once, y'all.
- Ugh!
Now I have to bring in
an independent kill team.
Where are you gonna find
an independent kill team?
The CIA!
We'll just make them all
change their shirts.
The point is,
you're all demoted to support.
And if we don't agree?
Good luck getting through
the airport metal detector
with my steel-toed boot
up your ass.
And even if you made it
back to America,
you'd still all be felons.
- Seriously?
- Oh, come on.
Yeah, that's right. Now I have to
go talk to the real professionals.
And get those
fucking muffins done!
So y'all baking now?
- Shut up, Ray.
- No, I won't shut up.
Can we at least acknowledge
y'all were wrong about me?
Do you honestly still think
I've gone over to Fabian?
- And that's unlikely why?
- Okay, that's fair.
But I'm back now,
and I think we should call it
How about possibly not
a raging asshole?
- Emphasis on "possibly."
- I like mine better.
Look, it kind of seems like
we're cornered here.
So maybe we just do the job
and sort it out later.
No. No, that is not
what we are doing.
Look, my whole thing with IIA
was to go with the flow,
do my job, and go home.
And look where that got us.
There was no way we get out
of this if we just hope
things turn out okay.
We have to take control.
Yeah, that's a fun series
of words, Lana,
- but so is "Mad Libs."
- Okay, so how's this?
We pretend to work support,
go rogue, grab Fabian,
get him out of the country,
and use him to clear our names.
Well, that, I do like.
You got a plan?
- Always.
- So to be clear,
are we or aren't we
playing "Mad Libs"?
Either way,
my response is boobs.
Listen up, failures.
What I need you to do is nothing.
Sit here and smell each other's
farts until I say.
We may need you for a
distraction or something.
we don't have much time
before the heavy hitters get here.
Uh, since it's my plan,
shouldn't I be the one talking?
That goes against
my every instinct,
but we don't have time
to argue.
So I'm gonna keep talking
because it feels natural.
Ray, you can't go in
because they know your face,
but you know the layout
and the security holes,
so you're gonna be crucial
on the radio.
We're counting on you.
- Really?
- Good Lord!
- I mean
- Hey! Ray risked his life for us!
So shut up and get going.
Hey, Ray, I just wanna say
that I appreciate
the sacrifices you made.
Finally, someone!
Thank you.
But if you do betray us, I'll flay
you under a lemon juice waterfall.
I'll make
an Aztec blood sacrifice
look like a Girl Scout jamboree.
Now gulp and then say,
"Yes, Lana."
Yes, Lana.
Oh, buddy, sorry about Lana.
Because I think she was
a little too lenient.
And speaking of jamborees,
I will roast marshmallows
over your burning
but still barely alive body.
Y'all's level of trust
is truly inspiring.
- Ready?
- Uh, not sure.
You wanna give me a speech
about my plan before we go?
Don't be petty, Lana.
It's unbecoming.
Don't forget your bag.
So petty!
Oh, no, wait!
That was my bag.
What are you doing here?
We're delivering pastries?
What is this mierda?
Don't be a dick.
That one's pretty good.
I even put my name on it.
Excuse me.
Is there a problem here?
Yes, Lana.
I just stepped
in a puddle of raw sewage
in shoes that cost more
than your car.
Well, if it makes you feel better,
you could always
get me a nicer car.
No, no, no.
This isn't the solution, homeys.
Let's just chill like krill.
They live in cold water.
Okay, all right, everyone.
Uh, I, uh I know when I'm
about to kick some ass!
Oh, wow, that looks bad.
Lana! Get out here!
I hate you!
Hell yeah, Cyril, get some!
I just got some!
Oh, hey!
Lana, wow, you're here.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
I should be mad at you
for not helping, but
But what?
I stepped on you
with the poop shoe.
Oh, and one more thing.
Eat me.
We're ready.
two guards flanking the door
and a third near the desk.
Cover on the left
in three, two, one, mark.
Freeze, Fabian, or don't.
I wouldn't really care either way.
Yet another misstep
on your part.
I've got you right where I want
Yeah, sorry.
I just couldn't listen
to another goddamn speech.
You know what? Fair.
You, come with us.
- It'll be safer for you.
- Oh, oh! Why?
Because that!
A-a-are you here
to rescue me?
- Uh, who are you again?
- This is the president!
She's being held hostage
and blackmailed?
This one is different than the one
we blackmailed
with the bank stuff?
At this point,
I honestly do not care.
Across the hall!
Come on, hurry!
Go! Go!
Fabian, I've been meaning
to tell you something.
Why are you stopping?
Because that?
See, if this were my van,
it'd be so much better.
What, like we'd have
knockout gas?
No, but when we get
torn apart,
we'd have
a kick-ass soundtrack.
You shut up!
- Let her talk!
- Shut up! Fabian is the target.
Archer and I are
getting him out of here.
The rest of you scatter.
Meet at the secondary
rendezvous point.
- But I can't go out there!
- Uh, ten-second disguise, go!
I've always meant
to try this out.
It's ironic, but now that I have
the confidence to wear it,
I want you to have it.
Please stop talking.
She learns fast.
Here, take care of her.
How is your mustache a her?
I have this rule
where I call anything "her"
when it's more feminine
than you.
There, exit vehicle.
But I can't hot-wire it that fast.
For all its faults, IIA does
have very good scientists.
Yeah, that totally outweighs
the soul-crushing evil.
Let's go!
Where are you going?
Why are you torturing me?
For the same reason
people climb Everest.
Because they're awesome.
Where to now?
Ray, need that emergency exit,
one minute exactly.
Shut up and do it
just like we planned.
Mark. Make a left!
Shit, I lost comms!
Where am I going, Lana?
- 20 seconds.
- "To what?" he said,
- knowing the answer was death.
- Go! 15 seconds.
- Ten!
- Why are you counting down?
I feel very
out of the loop here.
- Oh, imagine that.
- Not needed, Fabian.
Head off the bridge
at the third pillar.
Ray's got us.
Are we really
trusting Ray on this?
Three, two, one, now!
Oh, shiiit!
- Trust me now?
- 60/40.
What are you idiots doing?
Please hold.
It's for you.
I'm gonna spend the rest
of my life ruining yours.
And you can kiss your
little shit-box agency goodbye.
I can't count how many times
you've threatened
to take the agency from me, Slater.
So let me say this.
Fuck your muffins.
Honestly, not the worst
mission I've run
in South America
this year.
And we will take it from here.
You guys are still a thing?
Enough of a thing that
we can pass what we know
along to the U.S. government
and clear your names
if we wanted to.
And you say
Thank you.
We would like that.
- Ah, that's a good lad.
- Interpol?
What is that, some kind
of airfreight service
that brings penguins
to hungry polar bears?
- No.
- Well, it should be.
You puny, second-rate idiots!
You think this will stop me?
I cannot be defeated,
only delayed!
Uh, excuse me, there's
No, Cyril, let the man speak.
When you see me next,
it will be the moment
that your life
- Pl-plunges into, uh
- Plunges into what?
- Spider bite!
- Oh, don't be a baby.
Wait, I still have one question.
- Uh, what now?
- Fabian did actually deposit
two months of financial runway
into our account.
Though it was just
to frame us, so
So we're, like, a thing again?
Well, but who's in charge?
- Do we take a vote or something?
- No, we don't.
Now, we all know
that I am the greatest spy
not only in the world
- but in the history of the world.
- Oh, my God.
But when it comes to strategy,
Lana got us out of there
and made a deal with Interpol
to clear our names.
Lana, the chair is yours.
Wow. Thank you, Archer.
That really means a lot.
Besides, I wanna drink and
screw and not be responsible,
and there's no way I can do it
from that chair.
Plus, Lana, you won't be in
the way as much in the field.
I am not giving up the field.
Can I change my mind?
Speaking as your boss,
no, you cannot.
I accept that.
Hey, Mother would be proud
of both of us.
Let me say this.
Ms. Kane, you are my supervisor.
Does this mean that you're
actually gonna listen to me?
- I'm sorry, what?
- So what's next?
Actually, I have a few ideas
about that.
So what are they?
It's weird that you paused
right there.
We all agree that's weird, right?
Just a weird pause.
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