Are We There Yet? (2010) s01e04 Episode Script

The Soccer Episode

- Hey, Lindsey.
- Hey.
- What are you up to today? - Nothing.
Who are you talking to? No one.
Well tell no one I said nothing.
- Hey mom.
- Hi.
Mind if I watch some futbol? Well at least one of kids is speaking to me today.
Of course sweetheart, go ahead.
Thank you.
Hey honey, what's up? Nobody.
No nothing.
Hey, Kevin.
What are you up to? Nothin'.
Just watching football.
Football? I didn't know you were into football.
Are you kidding? It's the greatest sport in the world.
My man.
I didn't even know the preseason had started.
The super classic continues.
It's a huge one today, as it's the Western conference semifinals game two, tied 2-all.
What's this? Put it on football.
What do you mean? This is football.
Boy, my eyes may not be what they used to be, but I know the difference between soccer and football.
Now, change the channel.
This is real football, futbol.
I don't know what fruit bowl is, but in America, we play football, the sport I played in college, with the pads and the helmets and the guys who knock each other around, the sport real men play.
Goal! No fair.
He used his hands.
What kind of sport doesn't let a man use his has? No wonder nobody watches this stuff.
It's the most popular sport in the world.
That may be, but it's the least popular sport in my house.
Now, change the channel.
Change the channel.
You know what? It's not fruit bowl, okay? It's futbol.
Look it up in the dictionary.
Futbol, man.
Are we there yet? tell me, tell me, tell me tell me, are we there yet? goal, goal, goal, goal, goal! Yes! Hey, Kevin.
This came for you.
What's that? It's my autographed photo of Hope Solo.
She is my favorite football player.
There are no football players named Hope.
Football players have names like mean Joe Green, Refrigerator Perry, L.
, T.
, A.
, Eli.
What about Chris Hope on the Tennessee Titans? Can you frame that for me? Sure.
Goal! Goal! Yes.
Hey, baby.
What are you doing? Uh, taking a quiz.
Who is Tyra Cyrus? Oh, that's me.
I created a fake profile and friended one of Lindsey's friends.
That way, she would friend me.
This way, I can see her profile.
So since your daughter won't speak to you, you decided the best way to get to know her was to spy on her? Hey, that's the way we deal with North Korea.
And, Nick, it's not spying.
It's friending.
Do what you want, but I think it's a bad idea.
Did you know that Lindsey is into saving the dolphins? And if she had $5,000, she'd spend it on a Segway.
Why wouldn't she spend it on saving the dolphins? Because nobody asked you.
Who is that? Oh, that's Hope Solo.
Did you know Kevin was into soccer? Yes.
I'm his mother.
He's been into soccer since he was five.
What's the problem? The problem is, it's a girls' sport.
Only men I know who play soccer are Pele and that dude who married Posh Spice.
You're worried about my son's masculinity, but you know who Posh Spice is? That's 'cause I like girls.
I'm not trying to Bend it like Beckham.
Okay, well, Kevin loves soccer.
You should give it a chance.
You might like it too.
No way.
I like using my hands too much.
He should give football a chance.
Well, do what you want.
I know my children.
Lindsey just joined the group "Megan Fox must be stopped.
" Hmph.
Hey, buddy.
Got here as fast as I could.
You got it? Bam.
Here it is, Madden 11.
This baby is so new, John Madden doesn't even know about it.
Put it over there by Barkley.
I didn't think Kevin was into football.
He's not.
That's the problem.
He's into soccer.
And his favorite athlete's a girl.
I don't want to have to buy him a sports bra.
Mm, ouch.
And the final score is girl power 1, father figure nothing.
All that's gonna change after we play a few games of Madden.
Unless he plays it and decides he wants to be a cheerleader.
It happens.
Who are you, strange boy sending my daughter gifts? I'm gonna have to friend you too.
Suzanne, I have an emergency.
What is it? You know that guy I've been dating, Jonathan? Yeah.
What did he do? Nothing.
That's the problem.
Every time I call him, he doesn't answer.
And when I ask why he didn't call me back, he acts like he never got the message.
So last night, I tried one last time to get his attention by sending him naked pictures of me.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
And he didn't respond.
So tomorrow I'm gonna break up with him.
Okay, what's the problem? You've broken up with tons of guys.
The problem is, I want to make sure those pictures are deleted off his phone first, because the last thing you want to do is break up with a guy who has naked pictures of you.
I mean, you've seen what happened to John Edwards.
Okay, what do you need me to do? Okay.
Tomorrow night, I'm going out to dinner with him, and at 9:00, I need you to call me.
And when I answer, I'm gonna act like my phone went dead and ask to borrow his phone.
And then I'm gonna go into his phone and delete the pictures I sent him.
Why don't you just ask him to delete them? Like a man would voluntarily delete naked pictures of me.
I don't think so.
That's funny, though.
Click click click What are you doing with my hat? I'm trying to take a better picture for my profile.
Well, if you wanted a better picture, you might as well wear a paper bag over your head.
- Give me my hat.
- No.
- Give me my hat! - No! What's wrong with you? Hey, hey, hey, you two.
What is going on? Nothing.
What's wrong with Lindsey? I don't know, but I am about to find out.
Hey, Kevin, you want to test out a early version of the new Madden game? Madden? What's that? It's a football game, NFL football.
Sure, I guess.
All right, cool.
See, it's working.
What's the latest on Lindsey? She just updated her profile pic, and Jenny likes it.
It's working.
"Me too.
" Smiley face, send.
All right, Kevin, I'll be the Seahawks.
You should be the Vikings.
They have Adrian Peterson, the fastest-rated player.
Who's got the best kicker? Kevin, no one picks a team based on the kicker.
The Lions' kicker looks good.
I'll be them.
No, no.
You cannot be the Lions.
Kevin, the Lions are the only team in the history of the NFL to go 0 and 16.
I don't even know why they wear uniforms.
They should just play in jean shorts.
I don't care.
I want to be the Lions.
Fine, you can be the Lions.
But don't come crying to me when you don't reach the end zone.
What's an end zone? Okay, this is gonna be a long game.
To return this kick.
McGill still going.
First down.
Not bad, Kev.
You made it down to the 40-yard line.
I think you might be better than the actual Detroit Lions.
What are you doing? You can't line up for a field goal.
Why not? Because it's first down, and you're on the 40-yard line.
You want to score a touchdown.
I like field goals.
And it's good.
Yes! Field goal.
straight down the middle.
This kid can kick.
Pick up Pick up the thing.
Let's go.
I'll whup you.
Let's go.
He's down to the 10, the 5, and fumble! Oh! And the Lions take over at the Seahawks' 1-yard line.
Ho, baby.
And in a surprise move, the kicking team trots back out onto the field.
What are you doing? You're on the 1-yard line.
You have one yard to go for a touchdown.
I like field goals.
Yes! Field goal! And our score: Lions 6, Seahawks 0.
Pick it up.
Come on.
I'm hungry.
Come on.
Pick it up.
Let's go.
Field goal.
Field goal.
Field goal.
Field goal! Field goal.
Field goal.
Field goal! Yes! I win.
Turn out the lights, folks.
This party is over.
I can't believe you won on all field goals.
Hey, at least you were right about one thing: He never did make it to the end zone.
Touchdowns are stupid.
Why would you let everybody hit you when you can just kick it right over their heads? He does have a point.
Plus, lots of these kickers were former soccer players, and everybody knows soccer players are better than football players.
Excuse me? I know a lot of soccer players who could easily play football.
I don't know any football players who could play soccer.
And you are excused.
I was a football player, and I could beat you in soccer any day of the week.
How about tomorrow? We can have a shoot-out.
What's a shoot-out? What's a shoot-out, man? Hi Lindsey "If you're still thinking about it, I say go for it.
" Go for what? Hey, Lindsey.
Been thinking about anything? Not really.
Going for something? Huh? No.
Hey, Gigi.
You're not gonna believe this.
What now? That man deleted naked pictures of me.
Voluntarily? Yes! Last night worked perfectly when you called me.
But when I borrowed Jonathan's phone and went outside to delete the pictures I sent him, they weren't even there.
That's great.
No, it's not.
I don't send those pictures to just anybody.
How dare he delete them? Wait.
I thought the whole point of this scheme was to get your pictures off of his phone.
Yes, it's okay if I delete them, but he shouldn't.
He should be sending them all over the Internet.
I should be on the front page of Media Takeout.
I see.
Gigi, what's up with the gear? Oh, I just came from boxing class.
I'm trying to work off my aggression before I see him again tonight, because this time, I'm gonna make him beg me to send him pictures, and then I'm gonna dump him.
I see.
Well, that'll teach him to delete inappropriate pictures of you that you wanted to delete anyway.
I knew you'd understand.
Did you drive like that? Can you help me? - Gigi.
- What? There's no peripheral vision.
You can't even see.
Well, I didn't have to see all that much.
It was just a straight line, then I had to turn, and then another straight line.
Then I did a u-turn.
Agh! Bring it in.
What makes the grass grow? Chalk makes the grass grow.
Hut, hut, hut.
Hah! Huh! Hah! What are you doing? Defensive football drills.
Soccer players wouldn't know anything about it.
What are you doing here? Somebody had to bring the snacks.
Plus, I need to be here to make sure everything is fair and that nobody has anything to complain about, no matter what happens.
Orange slice? You ready? I was born ready.
Goal! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I wasn't ready.
Now I'm ready.
Oh! Goal! You know what? You'd better enjoy that one, 'cause that's gonna be the last one you get.
Oh! Oh! Oh.
Ahh! Look, Gigi.
Lindsey has 69 friends on here.
Bang! Look, she's taken a quiz: "Who is your biracial boyfriend?" And she's joined another group.
"Did you know Megan Fox has club thumbs?" What is up with her and Megan Fox? Oh, look, she's been poked 67 times.
And Jeremy commented on her post, "am thinking about going all the way this week.
" What do you think that means? I think it means what it's always meant.
Sex? No way.
Mm-mm, not my Lindsey.
That could mean any number of things.
What is going on out there? Soccer shoot-out.
Oh, soccer players.
So athletic.
What do you mean, it could mean any number of things? I don't know.
Well, you need to have a talk with your daughter.
Bang! I don't believe this.
And while you're on the subject, make sure you tell her never to send a guy naked cell phone pictures.
How'd the game go? It was great.
I beat him 10 to 1.
He did better than I thought, though.
Well, why don't you go upstairs and get cleaned up? I didn't even break a sweat.
Nick, I need to talk to you about Lindsey.
Can we do it sitting down? Okay, so Lindsey is thinking about having sex.
I saw it on her web page.
See? I told you spying on her would lead to trouble.
Spying on who? Lindsey, would you have a seat, please? Um, okay.
Maybe I should leave you two alone.
No, Nick, you stay.
I need your support on this.
What's this about? Your mother-- are you thinking about having sex? What? Why would you ask me something like that? I saw it on your web page that you're thinking about going all the way.
You saw my web page? How? I created a fake profile so I could see it.
Lindsey, why didn't you tell me that you were thinking about having sex? I thought I could trust you to come to me with things like this.
Wait a minute.
You created a fake profile to spy on me, and you're talking about trust? I was just trying to find out more about you, because it seems like you never want to talk to me anymore.
Well, that's not the way you go about it, mom, and I'm not thinking about having sex.
Then why does it say on your profile that you're thinking about going all the way? I was talking about my hair.
I hated my last haircut, and I was thinking about cutting it really short.
Really? Really.
How could you spy on me like that? Sweetheart, I'm sorry for spying on you.
It was wrong and stupid.
Will you forgive me? Yes.
Which one of my friends are you? Tyra Cyrus.
Tyra Cyrus? Really? That was nice.
No thanks to you.
You barely said anything.
Thanks for backing me up.
I never knew soccer could be so hard, Charles.
All I wanted to do was prove to the little guy I still had it, like when you played with Scottie Pippen, although we did make a little connection.
I spent more time with him in the last two days than I did the whole last month.
How are you feeling? Like I just played a double-overtime game in the Super Bowl and lost.
Oh, my big, strong man.
I'm sure you probably let him win.
Yeah, kind of did.
Thanks, baby.
Kevin loves soccer.
That's not gonna change.
You know what else is never gonna change? How much I love you.
Come on, let's go inside, and I'll rub your tired old legs.
Oh, let's go.
Any chance we could stay out here? Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
I know.
Whoo, help me.
Oh, did you break up with Jonathan yet? Actually, no.
Get this: Turns out I always had his number wrong, which explains why he never returned my calls and why my pictures weren't on his phone.
He never got them.
So who's been getting your pictures? I don't know.
I texted the person this morning, but I haven't heard back yet.
Oh, the mystery person.
"Hi, my name is Carl.
" Oh, no, it's a guy.
"Thanks for the pics.
"Let's get together soon.
Here's a picture of me.
" Eww! Doesn't anybody send pictures of their faces anymore? You didn't.
Oh, damn, now I got to get a new phone.
All right, with seconds left on the clock, double-k-p sets up.
He shoots.
Goal! And the crowd goes wild! Hey, man.
I got something for you.
Who's this? Pete Gogolak, placekicker for the Giants and was also responsible for bringing soccer-style kicking to the NFL.
Thanks, dad.
I love it.
Turns out he was also the Giants' all-time leading scorer.
A former soccer player.
Who'd have guessed it, huh? Yeah.
I guess I underestimated you.
Hey, I'm ten.
It happens.
So she's your favorite soccer player, huh? Yup, but that's not why I wanted the picture.
Huh? No, it's 'cause she's hot.