Are We There Yet? (2010) s01e08 Episode Script

The Michele Obama Sweater Episode

Oh, hey, you mind if Kevin hangs out with me on Thursday? What for? Well, he'd been wanting to get into other sports besides soccer.
Maybe the cool Uncle can succeed where the father has failed.
You're not his Uncle.
That is a minor technicality.
You're not cool.
Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.
What are you guys gonna do? Oh, I don't know, maybe shop for purses, go to a knitting class, water ballet.
What do you think? We're just gonna hang out, you know, like guys do.
If it's okay with him, it's okay with me, as long as you stay out of trouble.
If you're referring to Kevin's birthday party, the ad said entertainer.
How was I supposed to know she was that kind of entertainer? Hey, Martin.
Morning, Suzanne.
You're out of corn flakes.
Hey, baby.
Good morning.
Mom, can I borrow your credit card? What for? I want to buy the sweater that Michelle Obama's going to wear at her next speech.
You can only get it online.
The first time, I took too long.
The second time, I didn't even have enough money.
This time, I'm ready.
But I need a credit card.
Why not? Because every time I ask you to help me with something, you give me attitude.
So why should I help you get what you want when you won't help me? These dishes have been sitting here since last night.
But I've been busy.
Besides, I didn't dirty all these dishes.
That's exactly the attitude I'm talking about.
But-- but nothing.
I can't hear you.
My plates are screaming, "clean me.
" No, they're screaming, "let Lindsey use the credit card.
" My plates aren't stupid.
Are we there yet? tell me, tell me, tell me tell me, are we there yet? hello.
What's up, Lindsey? I want to buy the sweater that Michelle Obama's wearing at her next speech.
Have you saved up your money? Yeah.
Where do you get it? At J.
Well, why don't you just go to the mall and get it? Anybody can go to J.
It's not like it's rodeo drive.
They never make it to the store.
Everyone buys them online, and they sell out.
It's easier to get Michelle Obama than it is to get a Michelle Obama sweater.
Did you forget that I used to own a sports collectible shop that specialized in acquiring hard-to-find items? Kind of.
I am the master of getting hard-to-find items.
I got Kobe Bryant's a Plaxico Burress gun holster.
I even got a pair of Michael Phelps' floaties.
So So you're doing it the wrong way.
Let me show you how a professional does it.
Can I use your credit card? Yeah.
That's not a problem.
And because you're family, I'll offer you my services free of charge.
I wasn't gonna pay you.
That's also why it's free of charge.
So let me get this straight.
A man offered you money to get him a signed bat A-Rod used in a game, so you sent letters to a children's foundation pretending to be an orphan whose dream was to have a signed A-Rod bat.
But now someone from the children's foundation is coming here to meet that kid, so you want me to be that fake kid, lie to them and my dad, who just thinks we're going to hang out? Well, when you say it like that, it sounds negative.
Yeah, it doesn't seem right.
That's 'cause you left out the good, wholesome part of the story.
That guy is gonna give me and I'll give you $50.
You're right.
That does make it seem better.
It's a deal.
All right, sit down.
Okay, this is everything I could find online about A-Rod, okay? I need you to study these stats in case it comes up in conversation, talking rbis, slugging percentage, girlfriend history, both celebrity and noncelebrity, okay? And these are letters.
I need you to take a look at these, because, well, you wrote them.
What's a crack whore? Unfortunately, your mom.
I smell cinnamon toast.
No, you smell cinnamon.
The toast is gone.
Oh, I'm starved.
I didn't eat dinner last night.
Why didn't you eat dinner? Because I'm in between boyfriends, and I didn't have anyone to take me out.
So why don't you just go to the grocery store? I'm not gonna be without a boyfriend for that long.
Besides, I spend my money on looking good so other people will buy me food.
But for now, I'll have to depend on me, myself, and I.
I'm hungry.
What do you have for me to eat? Are you gonna watch Michelle Obama's speech this afternoon? Yeah, of course.
Why? Well, Lindsey wants whatever J.
Crew sweater she's gonna be wearing, and apparently, so does every other girl in the country.
Really? Girls care about J.
Crew sweaters? If Michelle Obama wore it.
But, you know, she wanted to use my credit card, but I wouldn't let Lindsey, because she hasn't been helping me around the house.
You know, if those sweaters are that popular, maybe I can sell one online and it'll help tide me over while I'm in between boyfriends.
Did you know gas is over $3 a gallon? Yes.
Anyway, I think you should help Lindsey.
Housework will be here every week.
Michelle Obama sweaters are here for a limited time only.
Toaster waffles, huh? How do you make these? Okay.
In what year was A-Rod drafted by the Mariners? Uh, 1993? Correct.
When was A-Rod born? July 271975.
What's A-Rod's middle name? Emmanuel.
I can't believe you.
What are you talking about? I was actually thinking about giving you my credit card.
But you just don't get it, Lindsey.
This basket of clothes has been in there all day.
You could have folded them.
You could have put them away.
But no, you left them there to remind me that you don't do anything to help me around this house.
You know what? Michelle Obama did not get to be the first lady by being lazy.
She didn't get there by folding clothes either.
Now you're definitely not getting it.
Bam! You ready to get this? Okay, so how does all this stuff work? We got to see Michelle Obama the second she walks out onstage, and I mean the first second, not the second second.
Look, all these screens are a different shot, so I got all the angles.
I got East, West, North, South, northwest, northeast, southwest, southeast, eastwest.
Eastwest? When I say all the angles, I mean all the angles.
Look, I've already pulled up the possible websites where we can buy it, so as soon as you identify the color and style of the sweater, bam! Oh, my God.
There she is.
What's the color? Pink.
Bam! What kind of pink? Fuchsia, salmon, coral? Salmon.
Bam! What's the sleeve? Bam! What's the length? Short waist.
Button-down? Bam! Bam! What's the size? I don't know what size she wears.
Not her size, your size.
Bam! Credit card on file.
Bam! Express shipping.
Bam! Submit order.
Bam! Order confirmation.
Wait for it.
Bam! We did it.
We did it.
I told you.
I am the pink sweater master you are the pink sweater master we are the pink sweater masters "Lindsey Kingston-Persons.
" Wow.
Was somebody at the front door? Why? Were you expecting somebody? No.
Why? Because you asked.
That's why.
Lindsey, I just saw a delivery truck.
Did you get your sweater yet? What sweater? This sweater.
Bam! Give me.
Give me.
Give me.
Give me.
Ooh, this is ni-- oh, my God.
If they had this in triple "x" Mm.
That's nice.
That's cashmere.
Oh, feel it.
Watch this.
Oh, bam! What's wrong with you? Lindsey, sit down.
Nick, did you help Lindsey get this sweater? Yes, I did.
Because I am the pink sweater master I am the pink sweater master I am the You have no idea what's going on, do you? Um, no.
You got played.
I told your daughter she couldn't get this sweater because she hasn't been helping me around the house.
Is this true? Well You used my powers for evil? I'm sorry, dad.
Why are you apologizing to him? He just got tricked.
I got disrespected.
But I was-- but, ah.
Here's what's gonna happen, Lindsey.
You are gonna march down to the mall, and you're gonna return this sweater.
But I was-- are you still talking? Go upstairs.
I'm sorry, baby.
I didn't know.
It doesn't make any difference.
You shouldn't be making decisions like this without me.
How am I supposed to know what decisions to check with you about? That's easy.
Before you decide, check with me.
From now on, I don't do anything without asking you first.
Excuse me.
Can I leave? Actually, it's "may" you, and yes, you may.
Candace, this is the kid I wrote to you-- I mean, the poor child who wrote to you about his love of A-Rod.
We're in a mentor program together.
It's great to meet you, Kevin.
Give me a pound, yo.
Huh? She wants you to shake her hand.
Shake? Shake.
So I'm sorry to get you out of bed so early.
I'm sure after holding down a corner all night, you must be exhausted.
I don't know how you do it on the drug time.
Drug time? What-- actually, Kevin doesn't get much sleep at the group home.
You know how it is with the constant fighting and the stabbings and whatnot.
Right, and all the gunshots and ghetto birds.
Ghetto birds? She means helicopters.
Ah, Boyz n the Hood, domino.
You know, we at the foundation were shocked when we found out that Kevin is a baseball fan.
Why is that? Well, most kids in Kevin's situation are more inclined to be basketball fans.
You know, pass me the rock.
Hitting the tre.
And one.
I'm open, homey.
I'm open.
Pass it.
Pass it.
We get it.
Well, Kevin here is definitely a baseball fan, especially when it comes to A-Rod.
Am I right, Kevin? Right.
I am definitely a fan of A-Rod, who was drafted by the Mariners in 1993.
And I love baseball.
Oh, he is so articulate.
I understood every word he said.
Who are your other favorites, Kevin? Uh, b-rod and his brother c-rod and his other brother d-rod.
Ah, you're a comedian.
Yes, he is.
He's like a little Original Kings of Comedy.
Get you a nine-button purple suit and a hat, put you on tour? Okay, listen, we know your time is valuable.
You probably have some rally to attend.
So if I could just get that bat from you for little Kevin here.
Oh, well, that is exactly what I came to talk to you about.
We talked to A-Rod's people and told them Kevin's story, and he has agreed to let you come to the game today as his special guest, where he'll sign the bat for you in person.
Isn't that great? So you don't have the bat? No, well, I was worried about bringing it here.
But he'll sign it at the game in person.
Isn't that great? Yeah, wonderful, mm-hmm.
Do I really have to go? Oh, don't worry.
There are no metal detectors.
What? You can wear your bling.
Suzanne! Yeah? I need you to help me find the J.
Crew sweater Michelle Obama was wearing the other day.
What? What are you talking about? Well, after you told me how valuable they were, I posted one online for sale, and the bidding price is skyrocketing.
But you don't actually have one to sell.
Right, I thought I could just go down to the store and buy one, but those things are impossible to find.
That's why they're so valuable.
Well, I know that now.
I'm gonna change the channel from Sportscenter.
Is that okay? Yes.
Can I say hi to Gigi? Yes.
Hi, Gigi.
You know what? You should have let Lindsey get that sweater.
Why? Because then you could have told her she couldn't have it, and then you could have given it to me.
As a matter of fact, Lindsey did buy the sweater, and I did tell her she couldn't have it.
Can I have it? No.
I'm making her take it back.
Well, how do you take something back to the Internet? She's taking it back to the mall.
Can I watch a cool thing about cheetahs on the Discovery Channel? Yes.
You know what? You can't take that sweater back to the mall.
I'll buy it from you.
With what? I'll give you a cut.
How you gonna give me a cut of something you don't have? Besides, Gigi, it's not about the money.
It's about the principle.
Oh, please.
I've said that before, and believe me, it's about the money.
How much? I'm not selling you the sweater.
Can I put my feet up on the coffee table? Yes.
I can't believe you're gonna sacrifice hundreds of dollars just to teach your daughter a lesson when you could teach her two lessons.
Do not disobey your mother.
Even you can earn money in the comfort and privacy of your own home.
It's better to give than to receive.
You're lucky all you do is bobble, Chuck.
Oh, you know, I'm sorry.
I probably shouldn't be talking to you.
I didn't ask permission.
Hey, honey.
What are you doing? Breathing.
Oh, is that okay? Nick, I shouldn't have blamed you for what Lindsey did.
I was angry, and I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Come here, babe.
Look, Lindsey saved up for a sweater Michelle Obama was wearing.
She wants to dress like the first lady.
I could think of a lot worse things.
She could be looking up to Amy Winehouse, Heidi Montag, Courtney Love, the Real Housewives of Orange County, you know, white women.
You're right.
Hey, where's Kevin? I haven't seen him all day.
I told him he could hang out with Martin.
Why would Martin want to hang out with a ten-year-old? He said he wanted to teach him guy stuff.
Well, he could have just stayed here with you and watched baseball.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a truly heartwarming story.
A-Rod is dedicating this at bat to young Kevin Martin, an orphan whose drug-addicted parents gave him up for an eight ball.
Gave him up for an eight ball? That is awful.
Oh, my God! That's Kevin! What? Poor kid.
Kevin Martin's cracked-out parents should be ashamed of themselves.
Crack? I'm not on crack! Kevin Martin? Did Martin have something to do with this? And A-Rod steps up to the plate and points to the bleachers.
Oh, he's gonna hit a home run for poor little Kevin.
First pitch, and it's a swing and a miss.
Strike one.
You suck, A-Rod.
Come on, man.
A-Rod steps back to the plate.
Here's the windup and the pitch, and it's fouled away.
What is wrong with you, man? A-Rod just can't catch a break.
Here comes the pitch.
And it's a bunt.
A bunt? A surprise bunt for young Kevin Martin.
And A-Rod's thrown out at first, just like young Kevin was thrown out of life.
You do realize I'm gonna kill your friend.
Thank you for cleaning up the kitchen.
I'm sorry for disrespecting you and lying to dad.
I just really wanted that sweater.
I know.
Can we do this? Yeah.
Bam! Really? Mm-hmm.
Thank you, mom.
You're welcome.
She did a good job.
Yeah, look at this.
Oh, hey, guys.
Kevin, did you have a good time with Martin? It was cool.
What did you do? We went to the Mariners-Yankees game.
You don't say.
Oh, yeah.
I even got this bat signed by one Alex Rodriguez.
I'll take that.
Thank you.
Be careful with that.
It's worth $1,000.
$1,000? I thought you said it was worth $500.
Yeah, I lied.
What else did you lie about, Martin? Are you the one who told millions of people that my child was a crack baby? I never said that Kevin was a crack baby.
I said his mother was a crack whore.
You've got three seconds to tell her I had nothing to do with this.
All right, fine.
I admit it.
It was all my doing.
I mean, you know Nick, Suzanne.
Does he seem like he could come up with a plan this complicated? Fortunately, no one was harmed.
So can I get my bat, please? Your bat? You got this using my child under false pretenses.
That's why I said I was sorry.
This is my bat.
What? Never trust a crack whore.
Suzanne, I'm in big trouble.
What's wrong? I sold that Michelle Obama sweater online, and now the winning bidder is threatening to sue me.
Maybe A-Rod can help you.
What am I gonna do with this? Sell it to Martin for $1,000.
I'll give you $500.
I still need to make a profit on this.
You still get $250 out of it.
$650, and I don't tell Suzanne what you said about her ankles.
I know my friend, and she didn't say anything about my ankles.
Fine, deal.
What about my $100 buck? $100.
We agreed on $50.
That's when you said it was worth $500.
You're dead to me.
Kevin you were in on this? I only did it for the money.