Are We There Yet? (2010) s02e15 Episode Script

The First .45 Episode

Nick, why are Kevin and Lindsey watching tv when they should be ready for school? We just want to see what's gonna happen next.
What are you watching? Only the greatest show ever for the love of Chubb.
- Hey, I don't talk like that.
- It's a reality show starring Chubb rock.
- Chubb has three tickets to go on a Sinbad fun cruise, and his wife wants to turn it into a family vacation, but Chubb wants to take hot dog and dinky.
- Mm-Hmm.
- Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Gigi.
- What is this, an intervention? - Yes, and now that you're here, we can begin.
- Hey.
- I'm just kidding.
Apparently, I've been missing out on the greatest show on tv.
- For the love of Chubb? - Yeah.
- Ooh, I love that show.
Y'all watching it? Okay, can I borrow your black clutch? - Sure.
Kevin, sweetheart.
- Yep.
- Can you go upstairs and get my black clutch purse out of the chest? It's in the upper left-hand drawer.
- What's a clutch purse? - It's long and rectangular, looks like a big leather envelope.
- Got it.
Lindsey, can you pause it for a second? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Hurry up, man.
Chubb is about to break the news to dinky.
You're not gonna wait on your brother? - Do you want to watch dinky cry or not? - Yeah.
- You know, Lindsey, as much time as you spend watching this, you could make your own reality show.
- Well, your family is very interesting.
I'll give you that.
Now, I don't know if it's Chubb rock interesting, but it's interesting.
- You know what? That's actually a really good idea.
I could become famous the way Kim Kardashian did.
- Over my dead body.
- I meant by having a reality show.
- Oh, and I was being sarcastic.
- Baby, you're the one that told me sarcasm doesn't work on kids.
- I was being sarcastic.
- Hey, didn't you tell me sarcasm doesn't work on men? - I was being sarcastic.
- Ohh.
- Thank you.
- We were being sarcastic.
- Okay, black and looks like an envelope.
This must be it.
Hey, case.
What? You want me to open you up? But you don't belong to me.
I can't do that.
It would be wrong.
Oh, what is it? Oh, fine.
You got me, okay? I'll open you up, but then I really got to go.
You didn't tell me you had a gun.
sync and correct by dr.
jackson - Mmm, good morning.
- Hey.
- Hello.
- I had a dirty dream about you.
- Mmm, what was it about? - Well, I could show you better than I can tell you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, let me go brush my teeth.
Lindsey, get out of my bedroom.
- Fine, I spend a half an hour filming you two sleeping, and you kick me out just when it starts to get interesting? - Do you know what would be interesting? Filming me kicking your butt.
Get out now.
Lindsey, you can't really be shooting a reality show.
- Yes, I can.
I borrowed a bunch of different cameras from my friends.
They're set up all around the house.
Some are in the dining room, others in the living room.
One is in the kitchen.
One is in the family room.
- Lindsey, I've been on the Internet once before.
I don't want to do it again.
- Mom, this time it's different.
- Is that a video? - Yes.
- Are you gonna post it on the Internet? - Yes.
- Then it isn't any different.
Now, stop filming me, go to school, and when you get there, look up "sarcasm.
" - Come on.
- Hurry up.
You're not supposed to be in here, so I know I'm not supposed to be in here.
- All right, close your eyes.
All right Open.
- Dude.
- Troy.
- What is wrong with you, man? Put that thing down.
- It's not loaded.
- I don't care.
You don't point a gun at anything you don't plan to shoot.
- Okay, it's pointed at the floor.
- I know, and if the floor could hide, it would be back here with me.
- All right, chill, dude.
I'll put it down.
What? Why are you so scared? - Because I know how this story is gonna end, and I don't want to be on the news as your "tragic friend," everybody saying how I was a good kid and how I had a bright future and how I wanted to be an astronaut, and then you shot me.
- I didn't know you wanted to be an astronaut.
- I don't, but I want to have the option.
- Okay, I'm not gonna shoot you.
- You know the most common thing said before somebody's shot? "I'm not gonna shoot you.
" - All right, I think I'd know if I wanted to shoot you.
- Wanting to shoot me and shooting me are two completely different things.
You don't know what you know.
You didn't know I wanted to be an astronaut.
- I just wanted you to see it.
- I've seen it.
Now, do me a favor, and don't touch it till I'm gone.
- So, dad, have you ever been in a gang? - Well, we were more of a dance group than a gang.
We were called the Partyup Boys.
We loved Prince.
We'd perm our hair, put on eyeliner, and wear tight pants.
- You had hair? - That's funny.
I was in a group, and we did the same thing.
- Do you have pictures? - No.
- So, dad, you never had to, you know, ride up on some fools, you know.
- And do what, challenge them to a split? What kind of questions are these, anyway? - I saw Boyz 'n the hood.
- Where'd you see Boyz 'n the hood? - I downloaded it.
- Hey, man, that's stealing.
- No, it's not.
- Tell that to Cuba Gooding Jr.
when he comes over here looking for his money.
- Well, you've got my back, though, right? - Right.
- So, Lindsey, you're really going through with this? - I want to, but I looked at the footage that I shot so far, and it's so boring.
I even set up a confessional for us to talk about what's going on in the house.
- Confessionals are supposed to be private.
- It was private enough for Kevin to moon the camera.
- Kevin, you had your behind out in a room where we eat? That's disgusting.
- But funny.
- Baby, everything you see on those shows is staged.
Do you know how long it would take you to film a show if you just followed somebody with a camera? - Not really.
- Watch c-span.
- It's day two of the Kingston-persons project.
Although we got off to a slow start, I believe things will start heating up soon.
Let's see who that is.
- Hey.
You look fabulous.
- You look gorgeous.
- Thank you.
- Ooooh-whee.
Where are you going again? I don't know if I want you leaving this house looking like that without me.
- Oh, honey.
- Look at you.
- Yes, look, but don't touch.
- Oh, trust me.
The day I try to hit on you again - Is the day you get shot down again.
- What kind of party is this? - It's a black party.
- That's why I wasn't invited.
- Man, it's when everybody is wearing black, although not quite as well as me.
- It's the first time since the recession hit that the company is in the black.
- Oh, when you come home, we're gonna have to have a little after party, a little whipped cream.
- Hey, hey, what's with the camera? - Oh, I'm making a reality show: The Kingston-persons project.
I did some research and found out before I can post anything, I need you guys to sign these release forms.
- Where did you find release forms? - Ah, you can get them on the Internet.
- Why do you need release forms? - You've got to protect yourself before you wrickity-wreck yourself.
As a rule, I don't do anything without video consent.
- So does this mean you guys will sign the forms? - You guys, come back.
I need you guys to sign this.
Wait, comeOkay.
- Oh, what kind of gun is that? - How am I supposed to know? - I don't know; It just seems like something you would know.
Hey, you ever been in a shoot-out? - I grew up in Washington state, not Washington, D.
C.
Why would I be in a shoot-out? - I don't know.
Maybe you have, like, a secret past or something.
- I do not have a secret past, and even if I did, I didn't shoot anybody while I was in it.
- Ohhh, look at all those bullets.
You see that? - Yeah, it's a movie.
- Whoa - Man, don't Hey, how was the party? - Oh, let's just say I hope they're still in the black.
Babe, they had everything there: Champagne, caviar, steak, shrimp.
I'm surprised I still fit in this dress.
- Me too.
- How about you? You land any big fish? - No, and I hate it when a good black dress goes to waste.
- Aww, well, why don't you and that dress go stand at the airport? I'm sure someone will offer to take you on a trip.
- If you're just gonna mock me, good night.
Thank you for the purse.
I made it work.
- Not that well.
You're here.
- I'm gonna go head up to bed.
- I'll be up in a minute.
- Okay.
- Don't go to sleep, okay? - Okay.
- Oh, and keep the heels on.
Baby, I know you feel funny about it, but I really think we ought to give Lindsey some support with this reality thing.
- Nick, I can't help it, you know.
It just makes me feel weird.
- Well, you have to admit it's different than being spied on.
At least you know you're being filmed.
- I know, and I guess there's worse tapes a girl could be making.
- Hmm, you know that's right.
- I better get going.
We have to plan a wedding for a couple in the nra.
They want to release a dozen doves after they say "I do" and then shoot them.
- Nick.
- Oh, what - Nick.
- What? - Somebody's been messing with my gun.
- It wasn't me.
- Nick, come on out, baby.
- So, dad, tell us, please, what's going on? - Yeah, I've never been pulled out of class before in the middle of school.
That was awesome.
- Kevin, Lindsey, will you come over here and sit down, please? - What's going on? - I'm about to explain it to you.
Put that away.
- Listen very carefully.
I'm gonna ask the two of you a question, and after I ask this question, I don't want to hear any lies, no hemming, no hawing, no jokes.
Don't say "what?" Don't ask to go to the bathroom.
Don't blink.
Don't stutter.
Now, to make this easier on you, I'm gonna tell you what the answer is, because technically, there are only two correct answers.
One of them is "me," and the other one is "not me.
" Do you understand? - Is that the question? - I said no jokes.
- Sorry.
- Who's been messing with my gun? - Not me.
- What were my options again? - One minute, I've got to get this.
- Okay, before you tell me how much trouble I'm in, I have to say, I'm pretty shocked.
- How are you shocked? - Because I thought the gun was yours, not mom's.
I feel pretty stupid.
I've been asking the wrong person questions all this time.
- All what time? - When did you find it? - A few days ago.
- What were you doing looking through my things? - You asked me to.
I was looking for that purse.
- You did a little more than look for a purse.
- I plead the 12th.
- What is the 12th? - I'm 12.
You can't ask a 12-year-old to go look through your stuff and expect him not to go look through your stuff.
- Kevin, not only are you on the verge of being smacked, but you invaded my privacy, and you could have gotten hurt.
- Don't say "hurt.
" Say "shot.
" Plaxico burress got hurt because he got shot.
- I only pointed it at the floor.
- You're not supposed to be pointing it at anything.
Do you get that? - Yes.
- Did you take it to school? - No.
- Did you take it out of the house? - No.
- Did you take it out of the bedroom? - I took it in my room.
- Did you show it to anyone? - I showed it to Troy.
- Oh, Kevin.
Man, guns are dangerous.
They are made to kill people.
Look, if you found a gun, you ought to tell somebody.
- It was in your drawer, though.
- I don't care if it was in my back pocket.
If it was, you should have said, "hey, mom, do you know you have a gun in your back pocket?" - If you find a picture of a gun, you should say something.
- If you're watching the history Channel and the Nazis are invading Poland and they have guns, come and tell me.
You understand? - Yes.
Am I in trouble? - Kevin, we're glad that you're safe, and it's partially my fault, because I should have made sure that the case was locked.
- No computer or video games for one week.
- Wow, that was amazing.
Can you guys do that again so I can get it on a better angle? - You do realize we have a gun.
You think we did the right thing today? - He's lucky he didn't get grounded for a month.
A week is getting off easy.
- I'm just saying.
I mean, he's being grounded for something we never told him not to do.
- Well, I never told him not to jump off a 70-foot building or not to eat a spider, but somehow, he figured that out.
Nick, he should have known better.
- Why? That conversation you just had with him, that should have happened before he found the gun.
You knew you had a gun.
He didn't.
Do you know how different T.
I.
's life would be if somebody had this conversation with him? - I feel awful.
You know, I can't believe that I forgot to lock the case.
- I can't either.
- It doesn't make any difference that I don't keep any bullets in the house.
- Not a bit.
- You know, he could have taken it out on the street and gotten bullets from somebody with bullets out on the street.
- I know.
- And what if a cop had seen him? - He could have got shot.
- You know, I don't think I could ever forgive myself.
- I know that's right.
- Nick, you're not helping.
- Baby, what do you want me to say? Look, you messed up.
We are lucky.
Man, we just need to make sure this never happens again.
I know one thing.
- What's that? - I'm glad it wasn't me.
- Thanks, Nick.
I have to have a talk with Jackie.
- Yeah, who knows what Troy might have said? - Wow, I don't believe this.
- You need to give that thing back to Frank.
- I intended to.
I just forgot about it.
- Well, that's understandable.
The next time I forget something, you can be as understanding as I am.
- I can't believe you're leveraging a potentially tragic situation for your own gain.
- Hey, I take 'em where I can get 'em.
You don't have any more guns, do you? Because I don't want you having a bad dream and then accidentally shooting me in my sleep.
- Jackie, thank you so much for coming by.
- I got your message and came right over.
What's what's going on? - Jackie, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna come right out with it.
The other day, Troy was over here, and Kevin showed him a gun that - What? A gun? When did this happen? - Thursday.
- Oh.
Oh.
Oh, that's simply not possible.
Oh, Troy was volunteering at the animal shelter bottle-feeding feral kittens.
It was obviously another child.
- Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.
He was here looking at a gun with my son.
- Uh, I don't know who comes in and out of your house, or maybe all white kids look alike to you, but Troy was not here on Thursday.
- Jackie, I can tell the difference between white kids.
- Really? - Mm-Hmm.
- Who's the star of Lord of the Rings? - Elijah wood.
- Huh.
Who's the star of Harry Potter? - Daniel Radcliffe.
- You're still misinformed.
- Okay, well, all I can do is tell you.
- And I appreciate it, but as one responsible parent to Well, you, you really should get rid of that gun, but Troy did not see it.
- Yes, 'cause he was feeding kittens.
Got it.
- Who's the star of Hannah Montana? - Miley Cyrus.
- Who's the star of that's so raven? - Raven-Symone.
She's black.
- Oh.
You're still misinformed.
- You know we love you, right? - Yeah.
- And if it seems like Nick and I are being hard on you, it's because we care about you, and we don't want you to hurt yourself.
- I know.
- But it's not entirely your fault.
I shouldn't have exposed you to a gun.
So how about we reduce your sentence, no tv or video games for three days instead of a week? - How about a day and a half? - Don't push it.
- Sorry.
Thanks, mom.
- But, Kevin, the next time I send you to my room to do something, just do what I say.
If I ask you to go get a quarter and the bed is on fire, don't put the fire out.
Just bring back the quarter and tell me.
If I send you up there to get a pair of shoes out of my closet and Osama bin Laden is in there having a poetry slam, don't alert the military.
Just bring back the shoes and tell me.
If I ask you to go upstairs and check and make sure that the paint is still on the walls and a pack of friendly monkeys wants to have a tickle fight - I know.
I know.
Just check the walls and tell you.
- Exactly.
Lindsey.
- Hey, guys, look at this.
I started editing Lindsey's show.
- I can't believe my mom owns a gun.
This is so cool.
Just when I thought she was this boring old lady, she turns out to be a ride-or-die chick.
- Personally, I was very upset as an Uncle, because I don't believe you should have guns in the house with children, all right? There's a lot of different ways you can hurt somebody.
You can stab them, choke them, suffocate them with a pillow.
You can always eye-gouge.
You can always jam a hatpin in their ear, bathe them in hot fish grease, or give them a perm and just brush their hair real hard.
- I can't believe my son thought I was in a gang.
Isn't it great? He thought I was cool enough to be street.
What it do, homey? Look, see? West Side.
It just tickles me.
- You can slam their hand in a car door.
You can bump their toe on the edge of the couch, three seconds later bump it again, or you can always hit them in the head with a rock.
- Look at this.
Look at this, the Kingston-persons project.
That's the dumbest reality show I've ever seen in my life.
You give an idiot a camera, they think they can make a tv show.
sync and correct by dr.
jackson