Are We There Yet? (2010) s02e24 Episode Script

The Good Cop, Bad Cop Episode

Okay, let's try it this again.
Power, on.
- You've been doing the same thing for the past half hour.
Let me try.
- No.
Okay? Your dad said it works now.
Anyway, you need to go upstairs and clean your room like I told you to.
- Fine, but don't say I didn't try to help.
- I agree.
Usually, I don't like to rush things, but I'm telling you, man, with this one, I am going all in.
- What are you talking about now? - Here name is Katrina, and she is per-eezy to the fect-eezy.
- What? - Dude, just say "perfect.
" - Okay.
You know what, she's almost perfect.
She is 98% of the qualities I look for in a woman.
- Oh, okay, well, what's the 2% she doesn't have? - I don't really know.
It's just kind of like a margin-of-error thing.
- Is that how you pick your women? With margins of error? - Yeah.
I told you about her.
She has a birthday coming, an she wants to talk to you about maybe planning her party.
- Oh.
Well, who am I to question your choices? So when can I meet her? - I'll bring her by the office.
- Bye.
- All right.
Peace out.
- Hey, dad.
- Hey, Lindsey.
How was school? - Fine.
Do you think I could go to a Bruno Mars concert tomorrow night with Kelly? - I don't know what that is, but I think you better ask your mother.
- Ask me what? - Can I go see a Bruno Mars concert tomorrow night with Kelly? - On a school night? No.
Not to mention, you failed two quizzes this week.
- But, mom! - But nothing.
You bring your grades up, and if he comes back to town on a Saturday, we will talk about.
- [Clears throat] Uh, you need my help with that? - No, and why would you set me up with Lindsey like that? - What? I didn't set you up? Oh, you acting like I brought you to a hotel room you've never been before with a girl you've never seen before and had her ask you questions you've never been asked before.
I just told her to ask you.
- Why does she need to hear it from me? Nick, why do I always have to be the bad cop? - Nobody's making you the bad cop.
Look, you the only one always walking around talking about, "well, whenever anybody got something to say around here or do anything, y'all better ask me.
" Well, we asked you.
- And I'm always the one telling the kids no.
It's getting old, Nick.
- Maybe you should try saying yes.
- Are we there yet? tell me, tell me, tell me - tell me, are we there yet? - SoWhat do you think? - This is fantastic.
I absolutely want you girls to do my party.
You told me she was good.
But you didn't tell me she was this good.
- You only have one birthday a year, and why wouldn't we celebrate the most beautiful girl in the world? - Aw.
- I don't know how much you know about Martin, but throwing this party is the least he should doing for you.
- Oh, no.
I'm paying for the party.
All I need from him is to show up and look good to complete my night.
It's not every day a girl gets a man like this when she's turning 50.
- Mm.
- Wow! You're turning 50? - Yes, 50.
- Wow.
- 50? - I know.
I can't believe it myself.
- Martin, you didn't tell us that Katrina was turning 50.
- No, I did not.
- You know, you look amazing.
I mean, you're gonna turn 50 into the new 40.
- More like the new 32.
- [Laughs] Yeah.
- Wow.
You go, Demi Moore.
- Yeah, well, he's not quite as young as Ashton, but I'll take him anyway.
Honey, could you finish up the paperwork here and I'll meet you at my place later? - Yeah.
- Gotta go and do my power pilates.
- You work that body, girl.
- Oh, I will.
[Laughter] - Bye.
- Wow.
- Oh, my God! I cannot date a 50-year-old! - Mark, come on.
She's gorgeous, all right? Besides, age ain't nothing but a number.
- Not if that number is 50.
- You know what, you need to look on the bright side.
Now you can get discount movie tickets.
- You can eat for half price before 3:00.
- Mm-Hmm, and you'll get the inside scoop on generic drugs.
- And you've got somebody to watch qvc with.
- Oh! You know what, can you do me a favor? Can you get me the Joan rivers glamorous satin ruffled jacket? It's for my grandmother.
- [Laughs] - How am I gonna do this? It this will crush her.
- What? - Well, I have to break up with her.
- Oh, nuh-mm.
- Oh! No, you will not.
Martin, you're not gonna break up with her just because she's turning 50.
- Daah! - Now, Martin, she was a perfectly good catch before you found out, and she still is.
She's going to have this party, and you're going to be at it.
- What do you get someone who's turning 50? - Depends.
- On what? - No.
The diaper.
- Oh.
Both: Martin! - Come on! - That's crazy.
- That's ridiculous.
[Laughter] - Hey, dad.
- Hey, babe.
- Young lady, come back here.
- Yes? - I know you're mad, but you're not gonna disrespect me in my own house.
Now say hello.
- Hello.
- Good-bye.
Now, why do I have to catch attitude just because you're the one who has a problem telling the kids no? - Suzanne.
How am I supposed to know? - If you paid attention to what was going on around here, you could make informed decisions.
- Hey, uh, is it all right if I have some whipped cream and cookie dough? - Sure.
Why not? What? - You did it again! - Did what? - Cookie dough and whipped cream.
He hasn't even had dinner yet, Nick.
- It's just a snack.
He'll be hungry in another ten minutes.
- That's not the point.
The point is, you have a problem telling the kids no.
- [Laughs] - Oh, and now it's a joke? - No.
I've told the kids no plenty of times.
- Actually, I can remember some "I don't think so"s and "that doesn't sound like a good idea," but I can't remember the last time you served up a flat-out "no.
" - Whoa, whoa, okay.
What you saying? Like, I don't have it in me to tell the kids no, huh? - Well, I hope you do, because for the next week, you're going to be the hatchet man around here.
If anything comes up with the kids that we need to say no to, you're gonna be the one to do it.
I'm gonna get to be good cop for a change, and you can be bad cop.
- Cool.
I got this.
- Yeah, dad? - Um, I just wanted to tell you, no, no, and, one more for your back pocket, no.
- What's that for? - That's the answer for the next three things you ask me if you can do.
Now get out of here.
- Oh, so you think it's that simple.
- [Chuckles] I think the "boom" speaks for itself.
- Hmm, well, let's see what happens when this ka-booms up in your face.
I got it.
- Suzanne.
- Martin, what's wrong? - We only have a minute.
Okay, now, Suzanne, you know I respect you as a professional, which is why I referred Katrina to you.
And I realize this may damage you, in your reputation, but you cannot go through with that party.
- Give us one good reason why not.
- I'll give you 50.
- Martin, Katrina is smart.
- Smart.
- She's beautiful.
- Beautiful.
- Energetic.
- Energetic! - Funny.
- 50.
I just thought she was an old soul.
I didn't realize she was old.
I mean, do you understand that we had dinner last night at 5:00 P.
? Afterwards, we go back to her place.
She wants to put on some music.
Guess what her favorite band is.
The Cars.
- Martin.
The party is in three days.
You can do this.
- Three days closer to 50.
- [Laughs] I love watching him like this.
All: Hi.
- How are you? - Good, how are you? - Good to see you.
- Good.
- Okay, so what have we got here? - All right, well, we've got some great stuff to show you today.
- Oh, very nice.
I like this color.
You know, musically, I was thinking of, like What do you think of the cars? - Oh, fabulous.
- Absolutely.
- [Groans] - I hate to disturb you, but you need to go pick up Kevin.
- From where? - His friend Bobby's house in Bellevue.
- Do you know how long it'll take me to get to Bellevue and back? - I don't know.
- In a helicopter.
Did you see the traffic on the bridge going that way? Who told him he could go to his friend's house? He didn't ask me.
- No, he asked me, and I said yes, because that's what I'm doing this week I am saying yes.
This way, I get to see what it feels like to be the hero for a change.
- So you don't think you'd be the hero if you went to pick him up? - Nope.
- You do realize the game just started? - Then, you haven't had a chance to get into it yet.
Hey, honey.
Did you have a good time? - I was having a good time until dad showed up.
You weren't supposed to pick me up until 8:00.
This dude picked me up at 7:45, blowing his horn like a madman.
I didn't even get to eat my ice cream.
- We got ice cream here.
- But I wanted ice cream there.
- Boom.
Just that simple.
- I'm sorry you couldn't come to the concert the other night.
It was everything.
Are you sure you can't come to the kickback? - My mom was mad at my dad, so now I can't do anything.
- Girl, it's like apartheid up in here.
- I wish it was like apartheid in here.
At least they got to dance around and throw rocks.
- Well, I'll tell you how it was.
- All right.
Have fun, okay? - Okay.
See ya.
- See ya later.
[Sighs] - Are we there yet? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing in here playing video games, and your room is a mess? - Remember those three things you said no to? I was gonna ask if I should clean my room, do my homework, and stop playing video games.
- Is that my computer? - Yeah.
- Who told you you could use that? - Mom.
Boom! I scored.
- [Sighs] - Boy, quit crying and taste the cupcake.
[Laughter] - What is so funny? - Is that what she said to you last night? - You don't know what it's like with this woman, man.
I am running out of excuses.
- Headache.
- That was the first one out of the gate.
- What about man problems? - I will not put that into the universe.
- Death in the family.
- Wait a second.
That's an excuse? - Yeah.
- Mm-Hmm.
- That's Horrie.
You would say that a family member died just to get out of - Listen, you don't choose a live person.
- No, my aunt Roberta has died four times.
- I just don't know.
I keep thinking she looks like Jessica Biel with her clothes on and Jessica tandy with them off.
- Okay, Martin.
It can't be that bad.
She looks like she takes great care of herself.
Just think of it as aBirthday gift.
- Yeah, a small token of your appreciation.
[Laughter] - That is not funny.
- Hey, dad.
I'll be back later.
I'm going over to Kelly's to study.
- You didn't ask me if you could go over to Kelly's house.
- I asked mom.
She said yes, and I don't know what this means, but she told me to tell you "boom.
" Hey, Kelly.
I don't know why you're not picking up, but slight change of plans.
I'm coming to the kickback.
Call me when you get this.
- [Sighs] What are you doing? - Cooking a burger.
- On a donut? - I saw it on the Internet.
I asked mom if could try it, and she said yes.
- Boom.
[Doorbell rings] - Ketchup.
Oh, yeah.
- Hi, Kelly.
- Hi, Mr.
- Come in.
- Is Lindsey here? - No.
Um, she's supposed to be with you, at your house, studying.
- Oh, my God.
I forgot about that.
She must be outside my place right now, waiting for me.
I should go.
- Whoa.
Even if you forgot she was over there, what are you doing over here? - I know, right? Well, what happened was, I was over here earlier, and I think I left my phone.
- Hey, Kelly.
What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be with Lindsey.
[Cell phone ring-tone] - That's my phone.
I told you I left it here.
[Cell phone ring-tone] - It's Lindsey.
- Hmm.
Answer it, Kelly.
Put it on speaker.
- Hi.
- Kelly.
- Yeah? - I've been trying to reach you for the last hour.
- Are you at my place, waiting outside for me? - What? No, I'm at the kickback.
You're not here.
- No, I am not there.
- Well, if either of my parents call looking for me, don't answer.
I told them that I was at your house studying.
- We know.
- Please tell me you just recorded my dad's voice to try and scare me.
- She didn't.
- I bet you guys thought I was at the kickback.
I'm at Kelly's.
Girl, come on so we can study.
Are they buying it? - Suzanne.
I think you need to calm down.
- Calm down? Nick, I can't believe that I have a daughter who would lie to my face.
What if something happened? We wouldn't know where to look, who to talk to, or what to tell the police, all because we have a daughter who's out there lying.
Calm? Oh, yeah, I got your calm.
- Baby, baby, I got this.
Okay? Come here.
Come on.
You wanted me to be the bad cop.
I'll be the bad cop.
Look, I'll be a step worse than that.
I'll be a white cop.
- Okay.
I'm gonna let you handle this.
- You calm? - I'm calm.
Who the hell do you think you are? - Whoa, whoa, baby.
What happened to calm? All right, now, look, breathe.
Breathe, baby.
There you go.
Sit down over here next to me.
Now, just tell us, what were you thinkin'? - I was thinking that since you were saying no to everything and mom was saying yes to everything, I would get a yes from mom, go to the kickback, and neither of you guys would find out.
- And how's that working out for you? - Lindsey, we didn't mean literally, "what were you thinking?" What we meant was, "why did you think you would get away with this?" - Because I didn't think Kelly would lose her phone.
- Do I look like I was born yesterday? - What your mother meant was, you should never lie to people who trust you, and you should never trust people who lie to you.
- I didn't want to lie, dad, but you weren't being fair.
- You didn't lie because I wasn't being fair.
You lied because you weren't getting what you wanted.
And maybe you weren't getting what you wanted because you weren't doing what you're supposed to do.
And you weren't doing what you're supposed to do, because you don't believe what we tell you.
And you don't believe what we tell you, because you think you're smarter than us.
And you think that you're smarter than us because you're dumb.
And you're dumb because you're young, and because you're young, you think we have to be fair.
But we don't have to be fair, 'cause we ain't equals.
You're the child.
We're the parent - And if you lie to us again, I will snatch your tongue out of your throat.
Are we clear? - Yes, mom.
I'm sorry.
- Consider yourself grounded for the next month.
- A month.
But, dad, that's not - W-w-w-whoa.
That's not what? Say it.
Please say it.
It's not what? Now, let me tell you something.
The next thing that comes out of your mouth, it better not rhyme with "care," "hare," "snare," "rare," "chair," "dare," "wear," "tear," "pear," "share," or "there.
" Beware.
- Lindsey, go to your room.
- Hey, mom, can I make some fried twinkies.
Both: No.
- But that's not fair.
- [Screams] - Run, Kevin.
Run, Kevin! Run! - Did you get it? - No.
- Oh.
- [Sighs] [Laughter] - That's a joke.
That's a joke.
[Laughter] - Oh, my God.
So did Mr.
Kotter start a suit line? - Uh-uh.
No, no.
He just came from a Mr.
Furley film festival.
[Laughter] - No, you just entered a Barney Miller look-alike contest.
- Uh-uh, he's the next new contestant on The Price is Right! - Come on down! - All right.
Enough with the jokes.
I feel bad enough already.
- Okay, what happened? - So after the party - You got in way-back machine and bought some suits? - You done? - Mm-Hmm.
- So we're back at her place, and she's all over me.
- Like polyester on Evel Knievel.
- Okay, that's got to be it.
- I had to do it.
- Okay, so she's all over you because it's her birthday.
That's to be expected.
- I decide that I'm gonna make a stand.
I tell her that I am still getting over a death in the family, huh? I say that I am excited that it's her birthday but I will not sleep with her.
- Who did you say died? - My aunt Roberta.
- Uh-uh.
You used my aunt Roberta in your death story? - It didn't matter.
She didn't believe me.
She asked me what was really going on, and, well, I had to tell her.
- You didn't.
- I did.
And then she opened up her robe, and she said, "this is what you are missing.
" - And? - My margin of error was way off.
I mean, she was "fuh-lawless.
" I mean, I'm talking I was expecting to see, like, spanx, and a push-up bra, but I'm telling you, everything was just beautiful.
- All right.
Come on.
She couldn't have been flawless.
There had to be one thing wrong with her.
- Yeah, her age forgot to tell her body to stop looking like that.
- So what's with the suit? - She's making me wear it.
She says if I think she's an old woman, then I should look like an old man.
- Well, how long do you have to wear that thing? - As long as it takes.
- Oh, damn.
You know what, I give up.
- What's wrong? - I've been trying to learn to use this remote for the last week, and it doesn't matter what I do or what button I push, I get nothing.
- Did you put the selector on "TV"? - What? - At the top.
You see the little buttons? The "DVD," "DVR," "Video.
" Press "TV.
" - Yes! - There it is! - What are you wearing? - Look, I'm sure you have many, many funny jokes.
Unfortunately, I need to go now.
- What? You going to find Starsky? [Laughter] - Good one.
- That one's good.
- Thank you very much, Martin.
- You know, my girlfriend may be old, but she does know how to work a remote control, Grammy.
- Mark.
One more thing.
- What? - The '70s called.
- Yes, I know.
They want my suit back.
- No, they said you can keep it.
[Laughter] - That's good.
- Baby, now, wait a minute.
When I tried to help you, you wouldn't let me.
But why'd you let him help you? - I wanted to do it myself.
- Okay, uh, look.
I was just talking to Lindsey, and she wants to know whether we're really gonna ground her for a month.
- What did you say? - I said I didn't know.
I told her I'd talk to you first, and we'd get back to her.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
I told you, I can be the bad cop when I need to be.
By the way, is there anything else you said yes to that I should know about? [Rock music]