Are You There, Chelsea? (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

The Gynecologist

I need a new gynecologist.
Why, what happened? Your guy make enough money off of you to retire? Or could he just not live with the things he'd seen? Ha ha.
No, my guy was already kind of creepy, and then he grew a soul patch in a very disturbing shape.
Uh, I'm just waiting for the speculum to warm up.
It's cold out today, huh? Then he started stroking it like this.
Ew.
Yeah, I'm not going back to that guy.
So, Olivia, what about your doctor? Oh, I have a great woman.
You know, I prefer a guy.
For a woman, it's just a job.
For a guy, it's like, can you believe they're actually paying me to do this? I don't like being naked in front of male doctors.
I have the body of a 9-year-old girl.
No, you don't.
More like a 9-year-old boy.
Hi, Chels.
Hey, dad.
Did you get my bookshelves built? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
Those swedish people made it way too complicated.
They should just stick to massages, meatballs, and gummy fish.
You know what, Chels, I'll do it for you.
I'm kind of a do-it-yourself-er.
That's what I hear.
I mean I'm handy.
Oh, yeah.
All right, forget it.
I'll forget about it all night long.
What? All right, I'm sorry.
Please help me.
All right.
Thank you.
Hey, you know, I'll help.
My girlfriend's out of town, so it'll keep me out of trouble.
So while the cat's away, the mouse will pay, huh, buddy boy? No.
When the cat's away, the mouse wakes up naked floating in the lobster tank of a chinese restaurant.
- You ever figure that out? - No, but now I'm banned Hi, Sylvia.
Oh, and look at my little granddaughter.
Who's my fat little friend? Fat fat fatty.
Now not only will she have you as a grandfather, she'll also be bulimic.
What are you talking about? You girls are all so beautiful I could just sit and watch you all day.
Hey, Sloane, how do you like your gynecologist? - Oh, look, they're playing dots.
- I actually like him a lot.
I've been seeing him for years.
He's become a close friend.
- Can I have his number? - No.
Why not? Because I don't want him to know about you.
Really? You're not gonna give me his number because you're worried about what people will think? What would Jesus do, Sloane? I think he would give me his gynecologist's number.
It's gonna be hard to write down a number with his hands nailed to a cross for your sins.
Sloane, just give me the number.
I'll give you the number, but don't ruin my relationship with him and don't embarrass me, OK? Keep your legs closed until the exam actually starts.
Hi.
I'm Dr.
Thomas.
Nice To meet you.
I'm Sloane's younger sister.
Well, I won't hold that against you.
You're funny.
I like that in my doctors.
Yeah, you've got to have a sense of humor in my line of work.
Although not everyone likes jokes when the pants are down.
But seriously, be careful down there 'cause my girl's pretty, but she might steal your watch.
Any special concerns today, Chelsea, or are you just here for a general exam? Just general.
You know, sex is important to me, so I like to get regular inspections, make sure everything's running smoothly.
I wish more women felt like you.
You haven't even felt me yet.
Any changes in your health recently? I've been doing yoga lately.
So maybe a little too limber.
You into boats? Deep sea fishing.
It's kind of my thing.
It's totally my thing, too.
You're kidding? No, I love deep sea fishing.
The deep, the sea, the fish thing.
Heh.
Um, I know you're supposed to be here, but if you want to go steal some pain killers, now would be a good time to do that.
Thought she'd never leave.
You know, you don't meet a lot of women who are into fishing.
Breathe in.
And out.
I've got a boat.
Really? What kind? It's a blue one.
What do you call her? "Girls just want to have chum.
" Listen, I don't know if you've met my partner, Dr.
Rosen in the next office.
He and I chartered a boat for this weekend to do some night fishing.
If you'd like to come along, maybe you could bring a girlfriend, you're welcome to join us.
Night fishing, huh? Yeah, I would love to.
Thanks, Dr.
Thomas.
Great.
Look forward to it.
All right, then if you're ready, Chelsea, you can go ahead and hop into the stirrups and I'll have a look around.
You bet.
Oh, and in honor of carnival, I'm offering a brazilian theme today.
How do you like my chili, Dee Dee? Oh, it's great.
What's in it? Lamb.
Aw.
And veal.
Oh, no.
And unicorn.
Oh, Todd, now you're just cranking my behind.
That's not an expression, Dee Dee.
Oh, you're tugging on my business now.
Hey.
How was your appointment with the new doctor? It was so great.
Oh, that's good.
It's hard to find a doctor you trust.
No, girl, he is funny and handsome, and he's really filthy.
And the best part, you're gonna meet him.
We're going fishing with him and one of his hot doctor friends.
- Jewish? - Think so.
Sweet.
That means, like, there's a 90% chance they have an asian fetish.
All right, we're heading out on Saturday night.
Oh, crap, I have to work.
What? I have to bring someone for his friend.
Hey, Nikki, do you want to come fishing with me tomorrow night? Oh, I would love to, but I'm already gog whaling with someone else who annoys me.
Oh, that's too bad because it's with two single doctors.
I would love to go, bestie.
All right.
Do you know anything about deep sea fishing? Because I kind of said I was an expert.
Did somebody say deep sea fishing? I love fishing.
My grandpa Kreshick used to take me when I was little.
He'd reel in the fish and I'd beat their brains out with a mallet and gut them.
I had a lot of good times with my grandpa.
May he rest in peace.
When did your grandpa die, Dee Dee? Oh, he's not dead, he has insomnia.
Dee Dee, you have to come with us and you have to, like, make it look like we know what we're doing.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Tonight I'm gonna cram so much junk into my big pink tackle box.
Hey, Dee.
I hope this boat has a Captain.
Like captain stubing on "the love boat.
" You know, he had the ability to marry couples.
I'll do pretty much anything on the first date, but marriage, it's a little too kinky.
Where the hell is Nikki? While we're waiting, I'll teach you about fishing tackle.
This is the spreader and this is the spinner.
Ooh.
That's what they called me and Olivia in High School.
Finally.
All right.
Let's go fishing.
What are you wearing? Doctor bait.
I want him to see me looking hot before I throw on some skinny jeans and a sweater that showcases my nips.
Are you the lady that needs her bookshelf built? Zip.
bow chicka bow bow chicka bow too much story, Todd.
I like my porn straight up.
I thought you didn't need tools to build Ikea furniture.
Oh, uh, not true, actually.
All you need is an Allen wrench and about 12 of these.
All right, we're late.
We gotta go.
All right.
Thanks for doing the bookshelf, and I know you guys, all right, no snooping.
OK.
No snooping.
Yeah, like she's so interesting we're just dying to see her private stuff.
So what do you think she's hiding? What, do you think she's hiding something? Why else would she specifically say "don't snoop"? You're right.
Anyway, you want to crack open a few of these beers, get to work? Yeah, sounds good.
OK.
So where do you think she keeps the bottle opener? Underwear drawer.
Got to start someplace.
Well, I can't wait for tuna season.
How about you, Chelsea? Yeah, I just hate all the commercialism.
You know, I hope this year we keep it about the tuna.
By the way, got your pap results and you are clean as a whistle.
I've been practicing, and I hope one day to make it whistle.
It's so amazing you bring new life into the world, Dr.
Rosen.
Really makes you think about what's important.
What do you drive? Call me Carl.
And I drive a Ferrari.
Oh.
So you like little Italian things? Oh, hey, check it out.
Porpoises off the starboard.
No, starboard.
Where have you been? You're supposed to be helping us with this stuff.
Oh, Captain Steve was showing me the boat.
She was very interested for a land lover.
Land lover? I'll have you know I spent every weekend of my budding adolescence scraping fish scales in a leaky row boat with my grandfather.
I could fish with a net, a spear, a rod.
If you saw what he did with a horseshoe crab, it would really blow your porthole.
You want to go clean and gut these blue fish? Want to give me a knife, some gloves, and get out of my way? Wow, Dee Dee.
I apologize for calling you a land lover.
You know, most people who charter this boat are just here to drink.
Treat it like a giant floating limo.
But you, you're a real seaman.
Whoo! This one's still got some kick to it.
Swim to the light, little fishy.
Brains and brawn, you got it all.
My dad always said if you could gut a fish, change a tired, and dress a deer, you might survive the apocalypse after all the zombies died out.
Um, oh, you got a little fish intestine on your cheek.
Oh, allow me? Mmm.
Get that off.
Well, I better get back to the bridge.
Dee Dee, would you care to join me? I, uh, I'll let you steer.
These fish aren't gonna slice off their own heads.
You know as the Captain of this vessel, I can order you to the bridge.
I am so sorry.
Sometimes the power goes to my head.
No, I liked it.
Aye, aye, Captain.
My lady.
So you like fishing and female anatomy.
Anything else? I make my own beer.
Be still my beating liver.
You're hysterical.
I'm glad you guys came along.
Me, too.
Oh, we're out of vodka.
Don't worry, I've got reinforcements down below.
I'll grab some snacks.
Do you have any condoms? Having a good time? The best.
But then I always have a good time with you.
Do you like my friends? The ladies? They're hysterical.
But I'm getting kind of a weird vibe from Nikki.
You're sure they're gay, right? Let's put it this way, how many straight women do you know that are into deep sea fishing? You're right.
Stupid question.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
Carl certainly passed the gentlemen's test.
I mean, most guys by now would have already been trying to put their hand up my shirt.
Especially since I was basically putting my boobs in his hands.
I know what you mean.
I totally respect that Ben looks me in the eye and listens to what I'm saying.
But he better ram his "Titanic" into my iceberg soon.
Thanks for bringing me, Chelsea.
Maybe it's the vodka talking, but I love you, Chelsea.
So does seeing so many naked women translate into any issues in the bedroom? For me, those two things don't connect at all.
That's great.
'Cause if I was in your position, I'd be thinking about them all the time.
I bet you would.
So how long have you been partners with Dr.
Carl? It'll be 10 years in April.
Whoa.
Did you guys meet in med school? Oh, this is gonna super gay, but we actually met at a parade.
That is super gay.
I know.
I've been watching you and Chelsea.
It seems like things can get pretty hot between you two.
You got that right.
I mean, we know where each other's buttons are and we know how to push them.
I think that's healthy.
Yeah.
But honestly, she's so tall and her hands are so big that I get a little afraid sometimes.
Here it is.
What she's been hiding.
Chelsea's sex tape? Should we? No.
Todd, we can't, all right.
She is a good friend.
So I'm just gonna set this by the, uh Laptop.
Hey, you want another beer? Sure, yeah.
That's great.
There you go.
Thanks, buddy.
OK.
What? Did you say something? Nope.
OK.
I thought you said something about watching the video.
I did not say that.
Good.
'Cause that would be a terrible idea.
Boy, those ladies can really put it away.
You seem to be keeping up with them all right.
Hey, I wanted this to be a surprise, but I just can't wait to tell you.
For our tenth anniversary, I booked us a two-week trip to Australia.
Oh, my God, the great barrier reef? Hey, do you think anyone would miss us if we slipped into that cabin for about 10 minutes? Since when have you ever lasted 10 minutes? They sure are taking a long time to make their move.
They better not be married.
Trust me, I would be picking up signals if these guys were married.
And I'm not getting any signals.
Oh, look, Carl's rod is bending.
Carl? There's a nibble on your pole.
Hello? Dr.
Thomas, Dr.
Rosen, you stop that right this minute.
That is not where that goes.
Seriously, guys, you've got to believe me, I am totally down with whatever makes two people happy.
Yeah, you seem like a real pillar of tolerance.
Can I just say something, please? And I hope this doesn't sound shallow 'cause I'm a spiritual person, but come on.
I mean, if I were a lesbian, I would not be with a cocktail waitress, OK.
I'd be with a lawyer or a talk show host or Jennifer Aniston.
She's not a lesbian.
She would be when I got done with her.
How long until we get back to the marina? 6.
5 hours.
You want to swim? We'd drown.
I know.
So this is for Chelsea's own good.
Right.
Yeah, we're here friends.
We just got to make sure she's not getting into something dangerous.
You're a bad girl.
Ooh.
You're a nasty girl.
Oh.
Get to school.
Oh, that feels so good.
Gee, my date cancelled on me tonight.
Oh, and you look so pretty.
Are you as tingly as we are? Maybe more so.
Oh, my God, it's really happening.
Shh.
Shh.
I guess there's only one thing to do.
You mean I'm a little scared.
But I'm curious, too.
Don't worry, girls.
I know what we should start with.
Say it.
Say it out loud.
Let's show Rick and Todd footage of a water buffalo giving birth.
Aah! Aah! - That was intense.
- Yeah.
- Want to watch it again? - Hell yeah.
I can't believe I popped-off like that.
It was so weird.
I know.
You've always been cool with everything.
Even when we'd play dolls, everybody would go with everybody.
Raggedy Ann and Andy, raggedy Andy and gi Joe.
Raggedy Andy and my little pony.
Ugh.
That's why Andy was so raggedy.
Hello, ladies.
Hey! Well, I just got off the phone with Dr.
Thomas.
And if you didn't realize he was gay, I have another newsflash for you.
Elton John is out.
OK, gay people who work together should not use the word "partner.
" Gay handsome doctors.
It's just cruel.
It's like plastic desserts.
I freaked out.
You know, maybe there's a small part of me that's a prude.
Does prude mean something else now? You are a prude, OK, that's for sure.
You just keep choosing men that are unavailable.
I do not.
The cry baby, the French chef, Sloane's ex, oh, that clowny guy.
That's just on my watch.
You have to kiss a lot of frogs.
Ok, well, sometimes the frog that you need to kiss is standing right underneath your nose and you can't even sniff him out.
Shut up, Sloane.
What? She's talking about Rick.
Oh, Rick's great.
Even if he's not a earner, you can handle it.
You're sturdy enough to camp or pull an industrial cart through costco.
Rick is like my brother.
Uh, a brother you tried to give a reach around to.
Ok, I am not ready to settle down, guys.
I'm still sowing my wild eggs.
Actually, I think it's oatmeal.
I'm with Chelsea.
Here's to playing the field.
With straight guys, please.
Have you guys noticed that hot ups guy? That's a girl.
Damn it! Forget her.
My money's on that little nugget at the bar.
I want you to at least tap that ass once.
You are so beautiful.
Do you like me? Yes, I like you.
I would like to kiss you.
I don't like to kiss girls.
None of the boys like to kiss girls.
I would like to braid your hair.
Would you rather climb a tree or play baseball? I'd rather try on your mother's shoes.
You're the best husband in the world.