Are You There, Chelsea? (2011) s01e07 Episode Script

1 So this woman walks into the flower shop and says "This flowers better be fresh.
" And I said, "Oh, they're fresh.
That Peruvian lilly just pinched my patootie.
" Oh, she laughed so hard, she forgot to pay.
So my boss had her arrested.
I had somebody walk out on the check the other day.
I chased him two blocks down first street.
Did you catch him? No.
He actually fell into a manhole.
No matter how many cartoons you see, you do not see that coming.
Why do they call them manholes? Why can't they call them woman holes? This is so much fun, hanging out, just the girls.
Usually you two disappear into your bedrooms with guys and I have to play the geography game.
What's the geography game? Well, when I hear noises coming from your bedrooms, I turn them into places.
Like, oh! Oh! Oh-maha.
And, ooh! Ooh! Uzbekistan.
I can't always do it, though.
I still haven't found a place that starts with deeper.
Do you ever wish you had someone to sleep with, not for sex, just to cuddle with, in bed? I'm gonna tell you guys a secret, but you have to promise to never ever tell anyone.
Promise.
Sure.
I have a friend.
I bought it when I was 16.
I bought mine when I was 14.
But then my mom noticed my trash can was full of batteries and I was back to idling on my brother's moped.
His name is Mario Lopez.
That's a pillow.
I know.
But I pretend it's Mario Lopez.
How far do you go with him, Dee Dee? All the way to sleep.
That might be the cutest thing I've ever heard.
I'm not like you, Chelsea.
I don't have a ton of boyfriends, or many friends at all.
And, Olivia, you could have more friends, Oh, my God, she can see into my soul.
Have you named anything else in your room, Dee? I had a David Hasselhoff blanket, but it got old and fell apart.
Here you go, Melvin.
Oh, thanks, Todd.
So, what's on tap for you today, Melvin? Well, I already showered, shaved, read the paper, sipped my coffee, and tried to figure out what the hell race that weather girl is on TV.
Almond eyes, freckles, and kinky hair.
But you put it all together beautiful.
You must be talking about, um, Shaniqua kawasaki mcmurphy.
Hey, could you guys do me a favor? I really don't want to talk to Chelsea about this.
It's kind of a guy thing.
I'm flattered that you think I'm more masculine than she is.
Well, I haven't really dated since my wife died.
I think I met someone that I want to ask out.
I'm a little rusty.
The last time I asked someone out, my hair was black and the president wasn't.
You know, that's great, Melvin.
Hey, you need some wingmen? Oh, would you? Yeah, we'd be honored.
Ah.
She's really pretty, and younger than me.
And she's a singer at a nightclub, so I figured she was out of my league, but she was really nice to me.
I'm not a great tipper.
Yeah, we know.
Yeah, we know.
Hey, guys.
Hey, what's up? - Hey, dad.
- Oh, hi, Chelsea.
No one will ever take your mother's place.
Dad, it's ok to want Shaniqua kawasaki mcmurphy without feeling guilty.
Ohh thank you.
'Cause I really like when she says, "we're expecting 7 inches.
" Well, look at you.
You look all happy.
Got a new guy? No.
I had a girls night with Dee Dee and Olivia.
Oh, a girls night, huh? Ok.
You guys get in one of those disagreements where slapping turns into kissing? Yes, Rick.
And then we oiled up and scissored.
We just stayed up telling stories till like 4:30 in the morning.
Dee Dee is so cute.
I don't know when she escaped from Narnia, but I hope she never goes back.
Did she tell you that story where she nursed a baby spider back to health? Well, it was only fair.
I mean, she vacuumed up his mother.
Did she tell you her pillow story? What, the Mario Lopez pillow? What? No, no, I'm talking about pillow, her fat persian cat who committed suicide.
What is the Mario Lopez pillow? I can't.
Even though it's the most adorable thing I've ever heard in my life.
What now you have to.
Come on.
Ok.
But you cannot tell Dee Dee that I told you, though.
All right, you know Mario Lopez? Yeah, of course.
I was a huge "saved by the bell" fan.
I used to have a tube sock I called tiffani-Amber Thiessen.
That makes me want to screech.
Howdy, neighbor.
Doing my colors.
Just did my whites.
Olivia said she was gonna do a dark load, then she just disappeared into her bedroom with Deshawn.
No, no, no.
Dee Dee, that's not what So I heard you had a lot of fun with your roommates last night.
I had a blast.
We were clucking like a bunch of hens.
I can't thank you enough for introducing me to Chelsea and Olivia.
Ah, I knew you guys would hit it off.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is going on there? I'm just folding my shirts.
You've never seen that before? No.
Do it again.
All right.
Whoa.
That shirt's not made out of cotton, it's made out of husband material.
Oh, oh, Dees, guess what.
You're never gonna believe this, all right? My cousin Brian, he drives a limo around New York, and guess who he's driving around this week.
- Who.
- Mario Lopez.
Isn't that weird? Why would it be weird? And why would I even care about Mario Lopez? Well, uh come on.
You know, I mean, all ladies are totally into Mario.
Don't get me wrong, I don't swing that way, but If I was going to be saved by anyone's bell They told you.
They told you about my pillow.
No, no, no, Dee.
Nobody told me anything.
It's just a coincidence.
Well, how do you know it's a coincidence, then? That's another coincidence.
Oh! Stop looking at me.
Please just go.
Go! I'll clean your lint traps.
Just go! All right.
Chelsea! Ok.
Somehow Dee Dee found out that I know about her Mario Lopez pillow.
Oh, somehow, you gossipy old woman! Look, look, I wasn't thinking, ok? My cousin Brian's driving Mario Lopez around this week.
It just came out.
All right, gabbing with Dee Dee about Mario Lopez, it sounds like you just came out.
Look, I'm sorry, ok? But seriously, I've never seen Dee Dee this upset.
I had to rush up here and warn you.
Well, you had time to fold your t-shirts like they do at the gap.
That is actually a really efficient method.
It'll totally change your life.
Ok.
Get out.
You told Rick? He guessed.
He guessed that she sleeps with a Mario Lopez pillow? All right, just back me up.
I'd be pissed if I wasn't so excited to see what Dee Dee looks like when she gets mad.
Hey, did you guys see outside? There's a rainbow.
Who wants lemonade? Wow! I don't think I should drink that lemonade.
Thanks.
Hey.
Penny for your thoughts? I feel terrible.
I somehow got Dee Dee upset, and now Chelsea's mad at me.
Another penny if you stop dumping all your problems on me? Oh, right.
Brian.
Hey, yeah, thanks for calling me back.
Listen, do you think that you could ask Mario Lopez to come meet a friend of mine? It'd be a huge favor.
Are you kidding me? Mario Lopez is the busiest guy in show business.
He doesn't have a second to spare.
Driver, could we stop at a pharmacy, please? I need some more whitening toothpaste.
Always a pleasure to help you with your important work, Mr.
Lopez.
What was that all about? Mario Lopez needs whitening toothpaste.
Finally someone says what we're all thinking.
Dee Dee? Can I come in, please? Well, I'm kind of super busy rolling my socks.
Can I help? That's ok, I like to roll my own.
Me, too.
Look I feel really bad, and I just want to apologize.
I truly didn't mean to tell Rick.
He was talking about pillow the persian cat and I thought he knew about the Mario Lopez pillow, so Chelsea, you don't have to apologize for anything.
Come on, Dee Dee, I know you're mad.
No, I'm not mad.
I'm very happy.
I'd just like to spend some time alone folding laundry and listening to music from the "one Tree Hill" soundtrack.
Look, Dee Dee, I betrayed your trust.
You're look Hit me with this pillow.
Oh, no, thanks.
No, no, come on.
My sister and I would hit each other with pillows when we were mad all the time and it made us feel better.
No, I'm not gonna hit you.
It doesn't even hurt.
Look.
See? And you get all the anger out.
Ok, what if I hit you first? No.
Come on, you've gotta be mad at me now.
No.
It doesn't itch that much.
Hey, guys.
Fresh popcorn, anyone? What's going on with your eye? Just a little twitch.
It started a couple days ago.
No big deal.
Dee Dee, you look like you're trying to send a message in a P.
O.
W.
Video.
We're worried about you.
If you keep holding everything in, one of these days you're gonna explode.
Dee, you have to get angry about something.
Your neck, your eye, me, anything.
You know what, Chelsea? My dad always said, nobody likes a complainer.
As long as you got a roof over your head and a pot to piddle in, you got nothing to complain about.
Good lord, has she been piddling in a pot? 媻 for the first time in history it's gonna start rainin' men, yeah it's rainin' men hallelujah, it's rainin' men amen, it's rainin' men ââ?¢Âª You boys all right? You need another drink? Oh, no, thank you, ma'am.
We're good.
媻 it's rainin' men ââ?¢Âª See? What'd I tell you? Uh, about this much less than we needed to know.
That's Sandy.
That's the one I've been telling you about.
She's pretty much the whole package.
Package is the right word.
I'm just gonna go say hi.
Holy crap.
He has no idea that she's a dude.
What the hell are we gonna do? I don't know.
Oh, hi.
Yes, thank you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, he's hugging her.
Well, he's gonna find out now for sure.
Well, I noticed a little something when we were hugging that made me put the brakes on.
Well, it's better that you find out now, Melvin.
I missed the big fat wedding ring.
Well, hey.
Ahh, it's ok.
God, she smelled great.
Tropical.
Bananas.
Coconuts.
Hey.
There's Maxine.
She's got a real smoky voice.
So your problem is that Dee Dee's not mad at you.
That's very stupid, Chelsea, even for you.
She's really repressing her feelings.
Good.
We need more repression.
And shame.
And guilt.
Then maybe we wouldn't see Lindsay Lohan's parent trap every time she hopped out of a suburban.
Hi, Dee.
Oh, dear God.
Hey, sloane.
Where's the baby? Oh, she went to a rave with a bunch of her friends from fire island.
That's funny, 'cause she's a baby.
Honey, what happened to your face? You look like 3 Judy Blume novels all wrapped into one.
I can't complain.
But if you could, what would you say? I have to get up, Chelsea.
I need my ice helmet.
- What, for your neck? - No, my migraine.
No, just we'll get it.
Lay back down.
She's got serious problems.
She needs to learn how to express herself, like Madonna on the blond ambition tour.
No, she's gotta learn how to fight.
You can't teach somebody how to fight.
Yes, you can.
The same way we learned, by watching mom throw a waffle iron at dad.
Guys? Ice helmet? Yeah, we'll be right there.
Ok.
I'm starting to see spots.
What should we fight about? We'll say that you said you'd babysit and you didn't show up.
Yeah, because it just happened last night.
Ooh! She'll buy that.
Ok, save that anger for the show.
- Thanks, Chelsea.
- Ahh Ohh! Which one are you, snap, crackle, or pop? Anyway, I said I was sorry for last night, sloane.
Well, sorry doesn't babysit my child from 5:00 to 7:00 while I have a church function.
You two need some privacy.
No.
No, sit down.
We're working through an issue.
Oh, ok.
So where were we? Um, right.
Well, I think you ask me to babysit too much.
Well, I think you are an alcoholic.
Everyone does.
Well, what about your clothes? Are you trying to look unattractive? Why not just cut a hole in a circus tent or a beach ball? You bought me this cardigan, you idiot.
As a joke.
You weren't supposed to wear it.
Oh, really? Now you're buying me joke clothes? How many things can you waste your money on? You smoke it, you drink it, you suck it.
Oh, love this song.
Play it again.
I'm going to pick up my kid, ok? Oh, we're finished, all right.
No, we're not finished yet.
Good luck, speed racer.
Hey, guys.
I want you to meet my friend Chuck.
Chuck, this is my daughter Chelsea.
- Hi.
Hi, I'm Rick.
Nice to meet you.
- Hey.
Todd.
Guess who he is.
Uh I'm sorry.
You look familiar, but I can't really put my finger on it.
Chuck is Sandy, the lady singer from the other night.
She's a fella.
Can you believe it?! Did you guys take my dad to a female impersonator bar? He took us, actually.
They had great steaks.
Plus Chuck's act is fantastic.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, this is just a hunch, but if you're ever interested in doing a little Sonny and Cher You know, you're not gonna believe this, but that is not the first time I've received that offer.
Honestly, this guy's a riot, and we have so much in common.
We're both Red Sox fans, we both love hockey, and to boot, he's got a wife and 5 kids.
Listen, it was nice meeting you all.
I gotta run, buddy.
I gotta pick up a dress from the dry cleaners.
We still on for the rangers game tomorrow? You bet your confusing ass.
Hey.
How's it going with Dee Dee? She's never been angrier or nicer.
And I think she has scurvy now.
Huh? You know what? I tried to get my cousin to ask Mario Lopez if he'd come by and say hi to Dee Dee, but I don't know, he wouldn't even ask him.
Well, it's probably better, anyway.
She looks horrible now.
If I brought the real Mario Lopez over, she would pop her cork.
Wait a minute.
She needs to pop her cork.
Give me your cousin's number.
You think you can just smile and get whatever you want? All right, let me try it again.
Do you think you can just rub up against a guy and get whatever you want? Thanks.
No? Ok, I'll give you the number.
That's him.
Hey, Dee.
Could you, uh, could you get the door? I'm kind of far away and my face hurts when I walk, but sure.
Hi.
Hello, ladies.
You must be Dee Dee, right? I'm Mario Lopez.
No way.
No way.
I can't believe you're here.
Chelsea, did you do this? Did you have Mario Lopez come here on the day I look the worst I've ever looked in my entire life? Yep.
Thank you.
I think you look great.
Really.
I do.
Would you like to take a picture with me? Ok.
Let's do this.
Here we go.
Thanks.
Hey, Dee Dee, listen.
If you can get me a doctor's note that proves you're dying, I'll hook you up and totally put our picture on "extra.
" Oh, no, no.
She's not dying.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
That must be my 4:00 appointment.
Wait a minute.
Oh, they canceled.
Ooh, that can't be good.
I can't believe she's still holding it together.
Just wait.
Um, Dee Dee, listen, I'm really kind of busy this afternoon, so before I leave, if you'd like me to sign your Mario Lopez pillow that you snuggle with every night and No, thanks.
You told Mario Lopez about my Mario Lopez pillow? Yeah.
That was me, too.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming, Mario Lopez.
All right.
Is there anybody you forgot to tell about my pillow? Maybe you want to take a picture of me hugging it and plaster it on Facebook, you big ostrich! Dee Dee, are you mad? As a badger! This is great.
Go on.
Don't tell me what to do.
You're a big alkie, but I don't broadcast it to everybody like some blabbermouth I know.
And when you're gonna bring men home, stop grunting and moaning after 11 P.
M.
Some people have to get up for work in the morning! And don't make fun of me for watching "the bachelor.
" It's a great show! And I know it's fakey, but I like it anyway! Dee Dee, I'm proud of you.
- How do you feel? - Better.
In fact, I don't think I need this anymore.
No, I do, I do.
Dee Dee, I'm so glad you got mad at me.
Well, it's just Oh, forget it.
No, no, what? Say it.
Well, I thought if I got mad at you, you wouldn't want to be my roommate anymore.
I've had a lot of roommates and they never seem to stick.
Dee Dee, I'm not just your roommate, I'm your friend, you idiot.
You're gonna have to do a little more than yell to get rid of me.
Hell, yeah.
Oh, really? You just bring it whenever you want.
Ohh Well, there is one thing that's been sticking in my craw.
You say cupon and it's coupon.
Uh I think it could be either.
Either.
All right, eat your sandwich.
Come on, Chels, really, how did you get my cousin Brian to deliver Mario Lopez? Well, I found out what he wanted and I helped him to live out his fantasy.
The performance was beautiful Miss! - I'm a dude.
- It's anybody here not talking? - No.
- Oh.
My apologies to the room.
Hey! Sonny and Cher! It's Chuck and Todd.
Well, you look terrific! Oh, we're up next.
Yeah.
And next week, we're doing Donnie and Marie and I'm Marie.
sync & corrections by Rafael UPD