Arrested Development s01e16 Episode Script

Altar Egos (1)

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's Arrested Development.
Michael Bluth and his family had gathered at the courthouse to discuss George Sr.
's upcoming trial.
Do not ask me how I did it they offered us a plea bargain.
Really? There's a chance we don't have to go to trial? Absolutely, and I say we take it because we will never get an offer this good again.
- Wow.
- Great.
What's the offer? Well, I didn't read it.
I just got it yesterday.
, I'm trying to get back into the dating world.
Hey, you're not one of those silly men that's dressed like a woman, are you? No, baby.
I'm the real thing.
I don't understand how a person can put their sex life in front of their work.
He's a man, Michael.
He needs a woman.
Can we get back to work, folks? We've only got 24 hours to respond and no matter what this is, it is better than going to trial.
Your father's not here.
I'll speak for him.
He loves it.
He's crazy about the plea.
He's dying to get out of that prison and be with a woman again.
In fact, George Sr.
had a woman in his life Cindi Lightballoon, a fan ofhis Caged Wisdom video series with whom he'd had fleeting physical contact.
That morning however, she had some startling news for him.
I'm a mole.
Well, you know, God doesn't care how big your teeth are.
Yes, you could go to a dentist.
You could Whoo.
You could grind off about I don't know No, no, no.
I mean, I'm an undercover government agent.
I was sent here to investigate you.
Up until last week, my being in love with you was just an act.
- Hmm.
- But now I want to be with you.
And I know you can beat this case they have against you.
I know this for a fact.
I want to fight this thing.
I can beat it.
I know it for a fact.
- We're taking the plea.
- Lucille, we're not taking a plea.
We don't even know what the plea is yet.
Is that a shot at me? 'Cause that makes me want to read it less.
- You have another one of these? - Yes, I do.
- We'll both read it.
- You're going to read that? - Yeah.
- It's pretty thick.
He thinks he's a lawyer 'cause he played one in 10th grade.
In order to satisfy an English requirement Michael appeared in the drama club's production of an original play, The Trial of Captain Hook.
- I don't remember that.
- Well, you left during my solo.
And I'm surprised my twin sister can remember that considering she was repeating the ninth grade at the time.
- I don't remember that.
- Big surprise, Mom.
It's not like you ever took an interest in our lives.
Honestly, if I ever did to Maeby what you- Lindsay recalled that earlier that day she had received a letter from the high school about her own daughter.
And so later, Lindsay and Tobias tried a more hands-on approach to parenting.
We would like you to tutor our daughter.
Now, of course, we're having a bit of a cash-flow problem but I assure you if you bring our little girl's grades up I will pack your sweet pink mouth with so much ice cream you'll be the envy of everyJerry and Jane on the block.
We're the only house on the block.
Perhaps we should get somebody else.
Michael, meanwhile, had gone to the bar across the street from the courthouse to read the plea offer.
"Not to exceed five years, but no less than three.
" - So what do you think? - I don't know.
I'm so mad at Barry I can't even focus.
That guy's out dating? - I mean, I'd love to be dating, but l - Can't relax? No.
I don't have time for a relationship.
This is important.
No one said anything about a relationship, Michael.
If you'd slept with more than four women, you'd know that.
- I have, Gob.
- More than five? Let's say "five".
This is a courthouse bar, Michael.
These are professional, aggressive women who are looking for nothing more than a one-night stand.
No real names, no promises.
I'm not a one-night stand kind of guy.
I don't like lying to women.
These are lawyers that's Latin for "liar.
" I can't believe I'm still reading the same sentence.
How can something be "no less than three" if it exceeds six? I mean, six is still more than three, right? Yeah, and it's still more than five.
- Oh! Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- I'm falling all over you.
- Let me move down.
I'm just working on this plea.
If you're pleading with me to have a drink with you, you can stop begging.
No, no.
It's a It's a plea for this case that I'm I'm sorry you want a drink.
Well, I didn't come here for the view.
- I'll have a vodka martini.
- I'll tell him.
- So, another lawyer, huh? - Vodka martini! I'm Maggie Lizer, as in "Maggie lies her ass off.
" One person laughed at that once, and I don't know why I keep trying it.
- No, it's good.
- What kind of law do you practice? Maritime.
Maritime law.
Lawyers of the sea.
Submarine chaser.
What's your name? - Chareth.
- Chareth.
So then what's your last name? - Cute story - Cutestory? Yes.
Chareth Cutestory.
- That's an interesting name.
- Is it? So here's the test that I failed.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I see the problem right away.
You, uh You got all the answers wrong.
You know you, you even got your name wrong here.
It says, "S.
" Yeah, well, see, what they want you to do is put an "S" if you're single, an "M" if you're married.
I mean, most of us are all single, but it's a whole government thing, so Yeah.
The first thing you want to do when you're dealing with fractions Yeah.
So I'm gonna go, okay? Yeah.
So I'm gonna go, okay? So just fill in all the right answers here, and I'll see where I went wrong.
And you're getting paid for this right? There was talk of ice cream, but not exactly on my terms.
Wow! Where did you get all that? Do you have a job or something? No, but you do.
Now, look.
Don't feel guilty.
I don't really need tutoring anyways, okay? - Enjoy the 200 bucks.
- Oh, there there's six 20s here.
- That's right.
- Right.
After an evening of drinking, Michael, being the sensible one offered to give Maggie a ride home.
Oh-ho! The next morning, Michael was wondering how to end his first one-night stand.
- Coffee? - Hi.
Yes, please.
Thank you.
That's great.
But you know what? I am going to have to read that plea soon, okay? 'Cause it's a big case.
But I promise later I will call Michael struggled to follow Gob's instruction tojust walk away.
I'll I'll I'll call, okay? All right? - Hey.
Who's this? - Oh, that's Justice.
- Hi, Justice.
- Hi, Justice.
Is he as handsome as he smells? I didn't I didn't know that you had a dog.
- How else am I gonna get to work? - You ride a dog to work? You are funny.
Let me see that smile.
Well, it's tough with your hands in the way.
- Say when.
- Okay.
And suddenly, Michael recalled some non sequiturs from the night before.
So, tell me something personal about yourself.
Uh, well, I have an irreversible case of ocular retinoblastoma.
I thought we said no more law talk.
I really can't see anybody right now.
Oh, well, I can't see anybody ever.
- I'm blind.
- I'm wasted.
Michael realized that the woman he was attempting to never see again was blind and he was overcome with guilt.
- When can we go out again? - Really? I thought you were, like, just into this one-night stand kind of thing.
Come on.
I took a blind woman home with no intention of dating her again? Please! George Sr.
was continuing to exploit his relationship with Cindi.
What What evidence does the government have on old wise George, by the way? Oh, I hate it when you call yourself old! - You're new to me! - Oh, that's that's nice.
Do they have a a file or tapes? Oh, what's the use? You're married.
- Yeah.
Let me ask you - We'll never be together.
- Let me ask you a question.
- Let's just go back to what we do best.
- Okay.
- Tweak me.
- George! - Lucille! Hi.
Uh, this is not what it looks like.
It looks like you're tweaking her nipples through a chain-link fence.
- Yep.
Yeah, that's it.
- Is this why you wanted to fight this thing? So you could run off with this great redwood of a whore? Listen to me.
She is a fan of mine.
She has seen everything I've done.
You understand? Everything.
Well, so have I and I'm not going to put up with it anymore.
- Okay.
- You'll be hearing from Barry.
All right.
Hon? Honey? Hon? - Oh, God.
I'm a home-wrecker.
- Oh, no.
- I never wanted to be that person.
- No, no.
No, Cindi, it's Cindi? Michael came home upset that his one-night stand wasn't over.
You should have stayed with me last night.
You could have seen me get some major action from a major blonde who just majored in marine biology, if you know what I mean.
I don't know what you mean.
I can't imagine what that means.
- I actually had a pretty interesting night myself.
- Really? - What'd you do, read the plea? - No, I didn't have a chance to.
I went home with someone.
- What's wrong with her? - Nothing's wrong with her.
- She's blind.
- Are you serious? I didn't know at the time.
And now I've got to take her and her dog to the park.
You've got work to do.
You've got to read that plea.
I know.
That's what I was trying to do last night when you put me up to all this.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
I told you to walk away.
I told you to give a fake name.
I did.
Thanks very much.
I'm Chareth Cutestory, a pirate lawyer.
- It was airtight.
- Boy, you had to work hard to bag this blind girl, huh? - I certainly can't take advantage of her now, knowing what I know.
- What? No.
Michael, you can! Don't you You've just won the gold medal at the sexual Special Olympics! She can't ever find you again.
Don't you see that you're so lucky? - God! How do you not s - What's the matter with you? - Didn't you "bag" some woman you're never going to see again? - Well, I screwed up.
I broke a couple of my own rules last night.
She knows that I'm Gob Bluth and we got married and I just - What? - Well, she was a darer.
She's one of those girls who just dares you to do things.
- You married her? - I needed a dare! What had started as an innocent flirtation had turned into a series of escalating challenges.
Unfortunately, the evening was draining and the one thing they never dared each other to do was consummate the marriage.
Well, guess it's time to seal the deal.
Oh, wait! What time is it? Oh, God! "Seal the deal.
" My seal deal! I gotta get to Sea Land.
I'm selling five of their sickest seals to a third-world zoo.
- Did you say seals? - Yes! I told you four hours ago, I sell seals! God! Do you ever listen to what I say? I'm sorry I don't memorize every word that comes out of your mouth.
Sometimes I just like to think think my thoughts.
We'll talk about this when I get home.
It was hot.
Boy, the lengths you'll go to sleep with a woman.
Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping.
I had sex last night.
- But he really didn't.
- Yes, I did.
And later, Michael arrived for his date.
- Hey! - I'm so sorry that I'm late.
- I thought I smelled you coming.
- Mm.
Yeah, here I am.
I thought so.
Did you smell him? - Did you smell the handsome man, Justice? - "Handsome.
" - You don't have any evidence of handsome.
- Well, that's true.
But I can feel handsome.
- Mmm.
- That feels handsomey.
- Mmm.
- That feels handsomey.
So you didn't get a case of"I just had a one-night stand with a blind girl"-itus? No, of course not.
One-night stand? Please! This is our second date now.
And I wanna see And I wanna see you again tonight, so, um if it's a one-night stand, I'm not very good at it.
But now, listen, aren't you busy with the trial? Um, yes, of course.
I'm very, very busy.
But not too busy for you.
Not too busy for a little walk right now maybe.
I'll be your Seeing Eye dog.
What do you think? - Okay? - Oh.
Should we leaveJustice here? Um, yes.
He'll be fine, won't you, boy? Huh? Justice, stay! Stay! Describe this to me, Chareth.
Describe to me how beautiful the park is.
Oh, I wish you could see it.
It's just beautiful.
There's an elderly couple walking hand in hand.
- They're having a wonderful time.
- Yeah? "Already served, not to exceed six years but no less than three" Uh, three years is what I give them and then one of them dies and the other one is not too far behind.
I can smell right through you, Chareth.
You're reading.
Leash your dog, you - Uh, yes.
- Yeah.
And George Sr.
was working on a roadside beautification effort brokered by Warden Stefan Gentles.
- Inmate Bluth.
- Yes, sir? I want you to know that last night I watched a very impressive videotape of the title Caged Wisdom.
I was struck by the dual life of the spiritual man.
And I did very much enjoy the blooper bonus footage at the end.
Well, you know, I almost did strangle myself on my own prayer shawl.
A self-choking for the ages.
- There's a Shasta can there you seemed to have missed.
- Okay.
- Moments later, Cindi arrived.
- Thank you, Warden.
George! I had to see you.
I'm sorry I left before.
I just felt so awful.
But I kept thinking about us.
- Yes.
- About our future.
- Yes, l - And I know for a fact we can have one.
What evidence do they have on me? You keep talking about a fact? You keep saying, "I know for a fact.
" - What fact? - Faith.
I have faith my prayers will free you.
- Faith is not a fact! - Oh, yes, it is.
You said so yourself in Caged Wisdom.
George Sr.
had said "Faith is a fact.
" Unfortunately, it was in the Caged Wisdom blooper bonus footage.
Faith is a fact.
Faith is a facet.
I almost said faith is a fact.
I am going to trial because you don't understand what a blooper reel is? Guard! Back at the high school, George Michael ran into Maeby.
I got an "A.
" Check it out.
Great job.
Take some more money.
I gotta go.
I'm going to this fund-raiser for a sick girl, okay? This rang false to George Michael who knew that fund-raisers, a passion ofher mother's were something that Maeby would avoid.
And later, at the courthouse - Good afternoon.
- Thank God.
So did you read the plea? We've got minutes here, not hours.
I did read it.
Most of it.
Um, I definitely definitely read this, uh the first part of this first, uh, section.
- Uh, no.
Did not read it.
- Oh, come on, Michael.
How many times are you going to screw up before the rest of this family sees you for the screwup you are? I'm not the lawyer.
All right? Why didn't you read it? Excuse me.
I got busy with my other clients.
- What other clients? - He doesn't know about the divorce? - It's an annulment.
- Oh, I looked into that too.
You can only get an annulment if you haven't consummated the marriage first.
Well, I guess I'll just stay married then because we all know that I closed that deal, right? But he really didn't.
- He was talking about my divorce.
- Your what? You and Dad are getting divorced? Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
No one is fighting over you.
And don't worry about Barry reading the plea.
We'll let your father rot in prison.
Take the plea.
We're taking the plea! We're going to trial, you're going to lose, and you're going to stay in there.
- That's enough, Mom.
- For him? Nothing's enough.
You'd think a man locked up in prison would be able to abstain.
Your father, with his disgusting tweaking! I couldn't breast-feed any of you kids because of that man! - Aww! - Shh.
They still look fabulous.
Lucille, for God's sakes.
She was an informant.
She was working for the government.
The only thing I was pumping her for was information, honey.
An informant.
Dad, are you crazy? You're gonna blow this whole case.
It's blown.
It's over.
It's dead.
Take the plea.
Get me out there.
Lets take the plea, okay? Look.
It's so nice and thick.
Oh, George, I should have never doubted you.
Even when you slept with my sister, it was for a good reason.
Got her to stop drinking, didn't it? All right, listen.
This is all getting a little crazy.
We cannot accept their conditions if we don't know what their conditions are.
Do you wanna read it? Uh, no.
It is thick.
Why don't we just take it? - I could kiss you on the - Well, let's What? And so the family gathered in the courtroom to announce their decision.
All rise.
The court is now in session.
The Honorable Lionel Ping presiding.
Oh, we've got Ping again.
Please be seated.
The prosecution has offered a plea? - We have, Your Honor.
- We've got Lizer.
Yes, Maggie was the most feared prosecutor in all of Orange County.
And, therefore, I would like to bring your attention to Exhibit A.
Not because she was a particularly adept lawyer but because she won the sympathy not only of thejury and thejudge And was that man in the room, not you, Doctor? but often times, the defendants themselves.
l I was in that room.
Is the defense ready to respond? - What are you hiding from? - You've got to call this off.
You gotta get more time.
Get more time.
She can smell me.
She smells everything.
- Objection! - What? We haven't read it.
- It's very long, Your Honor.
- Sit down! We haven't read it.
We're gonna get to it.
I'm gonna start right now.
That's the blind chick you slept with? That's the blind chick you slept with? Michael, you're in bed with the prosecution? It's genius.
You can get all the information we need.
Wait a minute.
How do we know it's not a trap? Maybe she's setting you up.
It's not a setup, okay? She gave me her real name.
She said that she was a lawyer.
I'm the one that lied to her.
I gotta go talk to her.
- No! - No, Michael! You can save this family.
Please! Do the right thing here.
String this blind girl along so that Dad doesn't have to pay his debt to society.
The solution to all our problems is staring you right in the face and it can't even see you.
I gotta go talk to her.
Yeah, I better get back to the wife.
I think I'm going to take a scenic drive down to the City of Industry.
And George Michael went to the fund-raiser for the sick student Maeby had mentioned but was surprised not to see Maeby there.
We have been blessed to have in our midst a child who has shown us the meaning of courage.
Now let's show her the meaning of charity.
Please welcome Surely Fünke! And that's when George Michael realized Maeby had been making money by pretending to be two twin girls Maeby? one of whom was ill.
Somebody get her a cupcake! And Michael went to Maggie's determined to tell the truth.
What a surprise.
Come on in.
- Hey, I'm in.
- Oh.
- I thought you were going to be my reader.
- Yeah? Oh, you're working? Yeah, I got a break.
I wasn't prepared, thanks to you.
What about you? Don't tell me another pirate is still roaming the high seas.
Uh, hey.
You know, let's make a deal.
You don't have to do this anymore, cause I'm gonna start laughing out loud.
- Okay.
That's gonna help me so much.
- All right.
Let's go sit down.
- So, uh, Maggie.
- Yeah? I am not trying a case.
- That's fantastic! They settled.
- Well Listen, I know I shouldn't do this, but but I am so behind, and I really do feel as if I can trust you.
Yeah? What is this? Well, you ought to know.
You can see.
Maggie! - What is it? Seriously.
- Well, basically it's an overview of the government's case against the Bluth family.
It's a summary of absolutely everything we've got.
And you're just going to give it to me? You're a lawyer.
What do you think? Do we have a case? On the next Arrested Development.
Maeby attempts to deposit her check.
- Gob adapts to married life.
- Unbelievable! The seal deal fell through.
Three of the seals died on their way to Chad.
How am I ever gonna find a maritime lawyer? - I'm sorry, did you say "seals"? - Yes! I trade trained seals for a living.
- Do you ever listen? - Do you ever stop talking? Tobias is sent to break into Maggie's house to steal evidence.
Only to discover that she's not blind.