Arrested Development s02e10 Episode Script

Ready, Aim, Marry Me

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's Arrested Development.
Michael Bluth arrived home to find his mother, Lucille - in a state of agitation.
- I think the company's in trouble.
What tipped you? The falling profits or that we're a regular feature on Bill O'Reilly's "Most Ridiculous Item of the Day"? I'm talking about the fact that my "friend" Lucille Austero bought our company and I think she's going for a power grab, that bitch! You're not at home, Mom.
She doesn't live next door when you're here.
Secondly, she's already grabbed power.
She's the majority shareholder of the company.
Your brother Gob.
In fact, Lucille 2 was already with Gob- - You look really nice.
- but she was growing tired ofhis neediness.
- Where are you going? I'm going to my spin class.
Thought you had vertigo.
She'll sell the company or break it up into little parts or something all under the guise of "caring" about our family.
Gotta stop quoting when you drink.
I certainly hope she's not planning a move.
I wouldn't put it past her.
She'd love to get at me any way she could.
That's why she's been flirting with Gob.
She's trying to prove that she's closer to my children than I am but the joke's on her, because she doesn't know how little I care for Gob.
Think that makes the joke on Gob.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, buddy.
Was that Gangy who was just- You all right? Sorry.
Your grandmother had a little accident here.
Oh.
Does that mean she's gonna have to come live with us? No, no.
No.
It was- It was her drink, and even if it wasn't, just- Do you remember when I bid on Sally Sitwell at the bachelorette auction? They sent me this basket with all this stuff for our date, you know.
It's a whole package.
I thought that maybe we could do it together, like a Valentine's present.
- You're not gonna take Sally? - Sally, no.
No.
L-I wanted it for us.
I never wanted to be with Sally.
Actually, Michael had gone over to Sitwell Enterprises- - Michael Bluth to see Sally.
- one day earlier to set up a date with Sally.
I'm afraid she's not here.
If you'd like me to take the package, I can give it to her.
No, no.
This is, uh- This is not for her.
It's for my son.
Just don't tell her I came by.
In fact, Sally wasn't there and the person Michael saw was her father.
- You kidding? This makes me look like my daughter.
- No one's going to think that.
I look like Edgar Winter.
Forget it.
I gotta get to spin class.
So what do you say? We got a basketful of father-son fun here.
- What's Kama Sutra oil? - Maybe it's not for us.
Ah, Valentine's Day, which- Oh! Was your mother here? Here.
You all right? I'll help you up.
Oh, that is quite a basket you've got there, Michael.
That Sally Sitwell is one lucky lady.
Well, I'm- I'm not so sure that she's actually right for me, anyway.
But you got one of these too, didn't you? Y-You bought Lindsay at the same auction.
Well, yes, but I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will.
So now I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
It's just-There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.
Tobias wanted to make sure that everything was perfect for Lindsay so he went to check it out first.
Oh.
Body chocolate.
- It's a wonderful package.
I'll take it.
- You just did.
Why don't you take this? I don't have anyone to go with anyway.
Can you imagine how jealous that would make her? "Where's Tobias?" "Oh, he's just sharing a romantic horseback ride with Michael Bluth and they're dipping each other in"- - Oh, you didn't get any body chocolate.
- L-I didn't mean with me.
L-I hate to see you struggle like this.
In fact, why don't you let me ask her for you? Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren't you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks anytime.
Okay.
You know what you do? Buy yourself a tape recorder.
Record yourself for a whole day.
I think you're gonna be surprised at some of your phrasing.
Butterscotch! Want a lick? And later, Lindsay stopped by the office at Michael's request.
Great.
Thank you.
Listen.
I want you to take my romance package at the Four Seas Hotel.
- Oh, yea! - That's great.
Tobias is gonna be thrilled.
- Oh.
I have to go with Tobias? - Lindsay, your husband really wants this to work.
- Come on.
Let me play Cupid this year.
- I thought he went already.
- I'm giving you mine.
- Because you're afraid to ask Sally Sitwell to go with you.
That's not true at all.
- Mmm? Chaw-chee-chaw, chee-chaw.
- What is that? Is that a chicken? - What's this? - Oh.
Michael's scared to ask out Sally.
- No, I'm not.
- Chaw-chee-chaw- - This is priceless.
You too.
This is great.
Come on.
These aren't even birds.
I am not-That's enough.
There are people working.
Listen, I think that Lucille 2 is up to something.
Mom said the same thing.
I thought she was ticked off'cause you're seeing her.
What? You're seeing Lucille 2? Does Buster know? No.
And I'm not.
Just don't tell people- I'm playing the part of the gigolo so that she'll keep the company afloat.
But something weird happened yesterday when I was trying to find a way out of there.
Hello? In fact, it was Stan Sitwell calling her as he'd become quite taken with Lucille 2 himself.
It all makes sense.
Why else would Sally Sitwell be avoiding me? - She thinks you're a loser.
- And why would Lucille 2 be so distant toward me? - 'Cause she knows you're a loser.
- I think it's pretty clear.
Lucille 2 and Sitwell are working on a business deal.
Lindsay, I'd like for you to go over to Sitwell and see what you can find out.
- I can't go there again.
- Why do I have to do that? Because you've been helping yourself to the company money for some time.
It's not like you do anything for the family anyway.
Gob doesn't do anything for the family.
Hey, I'm- Lucille 2.
Oh.
I could do something like that.
This is what Dad was really good at- getting us out of tight spots.
In fact, at that very moment, George Sr.
was in a tight spot as he'd gotten himself wedged under the furnace while chasing after a sour ball that had rolled out ofhis pocket.
Eventually, Michael rescued him.
I'm starting to worry she's gonna sell us out.
I think the answer to this problem is money.
Now, this may just be me having my head against a hundred-degree furnace for an hour but maybe we should bring in Jack Dorso.
- UncleJack? - Well, no.
He's not my uncle.
He's, uh, my dad's friend.
But, uh, this guy has got a fortune.
Jack Dorso first achieved success in the '40s as a costar of the radio and then film serial, - Nazi Hunters.
There are two Nazis up there in that dance hall.
Shoot me.
Happy Valentine's Day, Nazis.
When the actor who played Red McGibbon was jailed for his Communist sympathies Jack Dorso made one attempt at a solo Bullet feature.
But the audience was not ready to accept Bullet as a romantic lead despite his powerful upper body.
So he started a chain of gymnasiums having stolen the idea from Red during a prison visit.
- And as the years passed- - Hey, Jack! He became well-known for his annual birthday feats of strength.
Five pounds for each year of my life.
Sadly, he lost the use ofhis legs on his 70th birthday- - Release! - at the newly-remodeled Jack Dorso's in Albany, New York.
Too much! If he's got so much money, how come we never called him before? But I have.
I mean, there wouldn't be a Bluth Company without him.
I could never have afforded that first tract of land.
But he always wants something in return.
I don't know.
See if you can talk your mother into taking another bullet for the Bluth family.
The family gathered at Lucille's to welcome and solicit UncleJack.
And remember, he wasn't really their uncle.
Buster.
Nice of you to take a break from that common whore you've been dating.
She is not a whore, Mother.
She happens to be the new secretary of the Bluth Company.
And, yes, she's more experienced than a normal girl.
- But sometimes love should be terrifying.
- In fact Buster had even started using his army stealth training.
- Buster.
I'll be right in, and then maybe we can talk about- Makin' that love.
I shouldn't complain.
It's better than you dating Lucille 2, that bitch! Lucille 2's not a "B,"Mother.
She's kind, and she's caring and she's certainly less experienced than that whore that I'm dating now.
And perhaps it was screaming it out loud that made Buster realize that he missed Lucille 2.
I'm wondering if you can keep some of the more piercing profanities down when the 90-year-old fitness buff gets here? You know, Michael, I was happy to call UncleJack for you but that's as much as I'm going to do.
If you know what I mean.
I need a more vital man.
Someone order 140 pounds of upper-body strength? Well, he certainly sounds vital to me.
Walk, Dragon! Walk! - Enter the room! - Welcome, UncleJack.
He's half deaf.
It was a stupid, stupid hire.
Not "higher.
" Eye level! Eye level! Kisses, and then we talk.
Which one is Michael? - Uh- - Swoop me! Oh.
- I, uh, really appreciate you coming over, UncleJack.
Thank you for having me.
You may be amazed.
Uh, I'm invited into very few personal homes.
To the nuts! The bridge mix! The bridge mix! Fool! Hey, fake UncleJack.
Is this the boy? Is this the little one? My God, you're an army man.
- Well- - I was never in the army.
I was in the pictures.
Here comes UncleJack.
Shoot me! Oh, God! Look at that.
I pinned him.
I pinned the army man.
God bless you for being in the army.
Up, Dragon! Lift.
Lift with vigor.
- Remember me? - Lucille.
You look younger than you did the day l- Oh, you old fool.
I'm Lucille.
You look fabulous.
Back to the blonde.
Back to the blonde.
Isn't she beautiful? Oh, yeah.
He's kind of scary, that guy, huh? Not to me.
I think he's kind of cool.
Well, why don't you go get your kiss from Mr.
Cool Half-Man? - I'd be fine with that.
- Let's go.
- So what's your point? - Come on.
Why, she's no bigger than one of my legs.
Shake them for her.
Excuse me, UncleJack.
I'm George Michael.
It's okay.
Just ignore it! Ignore it.
Just something the body does when you're shaken.
Don't shake it! Don't shake it! - Towel! - Not the good ones! Is he dying? What if he's dying? Boy, that Dragon's cute, huh? What, the deaf giant who's holding our fake uncle? He's been flirting with me all night.
I was thinking maybe it would be best for the family if I went on that romance thing with Drag instead ofTobias which would be a drag.
Yeah, that's just the kind of joke Drag can't hear.
No, you're gonna go with Tobias or not at all.
Now tell me what you found out at Sitwell.
- Oh.
You still want me to do that? - You didn't? Lindsay, I give you one thing to do for the business, and you can't even do it.
I mean, if you'd tried and failed, I'd understand, but you didn't even try.
So, I didn't even fail, and I don't see you giving me credit for that.
Michael knew that since Lindsay let him down he had no choice but to ask UncleJack for the money to save his company.
- Pretty.
- Yes.
Do you think you should be perched on the edge of the building like this? Oh, Dragon's got me.
- Dragon's in the bathroom.
- Mama! Come on.
I got ya.
I got ya.
It's okay.
And so Michael laid out his dilemma.
family company get ruined.
- I was hoping that this was a social visit- - Well- particularly when that sister of yours started giving me the cutie eye.
She did? Unfortunately that moose was holding me, so I couldn't make my move.
Of course I couldn't make that move without that moose, but that's my challenge.
I won't go wheelchair! Twirl me around.
Hey, hey.
No.
I got you.
I got you.
You all right? But Valentine's Day is here, and I'm alone.
The moose is no one.
Perhaps if I had a little companionship I'd be a little more disposed to whip out that old wallet of mine.
You're saying if I were to set you up with my sister - you would consider bailing us out? - Oh, joy.
Yeah.
Michael was torn.
- The business meant the world to him, but his sister's honor- - Let's do it.
- uh, meant a lot too.
- Let's go share the good news.
Michael had offered his sister to his UncleJack in exchange for money to save the company.
Remember, it's not their real uncle.
- He's cute, isn't he? - So cute.
- Imagine him without that muscly little old guy in his arms.
- Oh, Dragon.
Right.
Well, that's why I was thinking maybe you should go with Dragon on that romantic getaway.
- Oh.
- Now, I know he's working so UncleJack's gonna have to go along.
Oh.
Well, as long as he promises not to shake him.
- Mmm.
- So, what did he say about the money? He said he'd like to sleep on it.
Meanwhile, Buster had decided to pursue a new girlfriend: His old girlfriend.
Hey- Brother? What are you doing here? I'm keeping an eye on the woman who controls our company.
In her robe and slippies? Getting into her head.
I think she's planning on selling our company to Stan Sitwell.
But I've lost her trail, and I don't think I have the skills to pick it up.
Skills? These kind of skills? Not really.
But if you give me one of those outfits, we can hide in the bushes and spy on them.
I would like to see her again.
You've got it.
And Michael told his father the good news about UncleJack.
- You are pimping out your sister? - You were pimping out my mother.
Yes, because she was sleeping with my brother, but your sister? Everything's gonna be fine.
No one's gonna get hurt.
No one is going to get hurt.
Oh.
Hey, Michael.
My dad wanted me to thank you for the romantic getaway.
Don't tell me what that means.
- Where is your dad? - He left, dressed all western-y.
You could leave me out of that part too.
And Michael realized that perhaps somebody would get hurt.
- I just screwed my brother-in-law.
- Well, I'm all grown up now.
So Michael rushed to the Four Seas Hotel to keep Tobias from finding out about Lindsay's date.
Michael, this is Jeff.
He does all the horse work here.
You'll meet him again at the end.
Plus, he gets you your juice.
Not your first juice, but the one you get at the spa.
- That's right.
You've done this before.
- But not with a lovely lady.
Jeff doubts one's coming at all, don't you? Sorry.
Sorry.
About the lovely lady- Stop.
You dropped the boot.
Dropped the boot.
Michael came up with the only evasion he could think of.
Tobias, the lovely lady, she's gonna be a little bit late.
She's doing some work.
She said to get started without her.
- Saddle me up, Jeff.
- It's gonna take a few minutes to tack another horse.
So Michael embarked on the romantic adventure he'd spent so lavishly for.
Well, you certainly didn't help with my reputation as a lady's man with Jeff.
But we'll clear all that up in the spa when I get my facial.
Hey, did you ever get that tape recorder? You're funny.
Come on, boy.
Hoo-cha-cha! Soon the next group began their romantic date.
- So nice of you to cover this, UncleJack.
- My pleasure.
It's nice to do something you don't need legs for.
Towel! And Lucille 2 showed up with Stan Sitwell who did look a little like Edgar Winter.
And one by one, they each enjoyed the activities of their romantic getaways.
- Body chocolate? - No.
Of course, in the spa thejets proved too powerful for UncleJack's tiny legs.
The spa portion also proved challenging to Stan Sitwell and Lucille 2 who in turn were being followed by Buster and Gob.
And soon, Michael and Tobias awaited their massage therapists.
So, uh, Tobias I'm afraid that your wife might not actually end up here with you.
You know, Michael, perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder.
Do you have any idea how often you say the word "afraid"? Well, I know I used it in theJacuzzi.
And I apologize for that.
I thought it was a pool toy.
But you were supposed to be here with Sally Sitwell but you were afraid to ask her.
So what do you do? You create issues, and you make up imaginary problems like this merger I hear you're worried about.
Well, uh, you're probably right- About me being afraid of the word "No," but- You know, the merger's real.
I'm not imagining that.
Lucille! Michael.
- Michael? - What are you doing here? Following Lucille 2.
She's with Sitwell.
She probably figured that we'd never track her.
But we lost her.
Everyone put on white robes and outsmarted us.
Lucille! Lindsay? Lindsay.
Wait, wait, wait.
Lindsay's here? With two men? Sort of one and a half.
Tobias.
Hey, Tobias! Lindsay, look.
L- Oh.
Lucille 2.
I'm sorry.
- And, miss, I don't know your name.
- Tobias? Lucille? Sitwell? What's this? It's our romantic getaway, Michael.
Romantic? So, then the company isn't being taken over so Lindsay doesn't have to be with UncleJack? Oh, Tobias.
We gotta stop Linds-Tobias? - How'd you like to take a nap, baldy? - I'll handle this.
She's my girlfriend, pal.
Take him down, Buster.
Your girlfriend? That's why you were in her robe and slippies.
You weren't trying to get into her head.
You were trying to get into her robe and slippies.
She's my girlfriend! So this is who you choose over me? She's not with him.
She's with the Bullet.
Oh, thank God.
But if you want a fight, you got it.
Shoot me! Stop it! Stop it! Look, I wasn't trying to sell your company, but I am now.
The hell with all of you.
I'm gonna try and lowball her.
- Not while we're around.
- We're not done here, Gob! Tobias? Tobias, I'm sorry.
I set this up for Lindsay.
Lindsay, I'm sorry.
- You were not on a date with Dragon.
- I know that, Michael.
It was pretty obvious when Dragon kept swooping UncleJack in for a kiss.
You said I never did anything for the company.
L-I just thought I'd try.
Tobias, I never thought you'd ever fight for me.
I had no idea a 90-year-old man could cave in my chest cavity like that.
Dragon, would you mind carrying my husband to the car? Oh, God.
I love takin' a guy down! I think I snapped one of his ribs.
No.
It's my leg.
I'll bet that would hurt.
I guess the deal's off now, now that I actually need you to help us out? I'll make you a deal.
You carry me, and I'll carry you.
Thanks, UncleJack.
- Yeah.
I think we should get to the hospital.
- Let me see.
I think this duct tape is the only thing that's keeping the ankle on.
Okay.
Ah.
Right around there.
Oh.
I think you're right inside me now.
On the next Arrested Development.
UncleJack buys the company but makes some changes ofhis own.
And he's gonna make me president.
Tobias listens to a day's worth ofhis own words to see what Michael was referring to.
Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Nothing wrong with that.
I've been in the film business for a while but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
It's out of context.
I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks, so to speak.
And he realizes there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias, you blowhard!