Arrested Development s02e13 Episode Script

The Tendercrisp Chicken Comedy Half Hour

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's Arrested Development.
Michael Bluth had gotten up early in the hopes of avoiding his family.
His mother, however, was already dressed, made up and waiting for him- - Good morning.
- Ooh! Which put her wake-up time in the 3:00, 3:30 area.
I couldn't sleep.
I always get this way before Motherboy.
Oh, God.
It's Motherboy already? Motherboy was a dinner dance aimed at promoting mother-son bonding.
Lucille had gone over 25 times with Buster and on a few occasions, had won Cutest Couple.
As one entered sexual maturity, and the other one left it it became harder to win.
- I'm so hot.
- If you were hot, Mother, we would win.
It's not just Motherboy.
It's Motherboy XXX! - And I think with you, I've got a shot.
- Oh, no.
- Buster, for the first time ever, doesn't want to do this? - No, he does.
It's just, he's been so mopey.
That could have something to do with the fact that a seal ate his hand.
- I don't know what it is.
- I think that's what it is.
- Who knows? - It was that.
It had happened weeks earlier when Buster went swimming in the ocean against his mother's wishes.
He had become haunted by the loss seeing reminders of the accident everywhere.
Mother, I can't sleep.
I may not be able to go to dance practice today.
I'm going out.
Zip me up.
I mean, look how he zips now.
I know what this is.
You're embarrassed by him, aren't you? You spent your whole life over-mothering the guy and when he finally needs you, you're not there.
Well, I don't see you spending time with him.
The Bluth children had been uneasy about missing limbs since their father used a one-armed man to teach them lessons.
That's why you don't yell.
As a matter of fact, I'm going to see Buster today.
So you're gonna have to find a different dance partner for Motherboy.
God.
Not that "I'm in love with my mother" dance thing.
I'm so glad there wasn't one of those for daddies and daughters.
- Of course they have father-daughter dances.
- They do? He never took me? It was before we did your nose.
Toodle-oo.
- You're up awful early.
- Well, my marriage is falling apart.
- Tobias is back with Carl.
- Tobias had gotten a call from his one-time acting teacher, Carl Weathers.
He's directing something for TV, but he thinks he might have a part for me.
If this takes off, I might be able to buy you the happiness that you deserve.
He said the same thing when he got cast as Frightened Inmate Number Two in that film he got fired from.
He had even gotten a vanity plate made up announcing the achievement.
And this wasn't the first time.
He's so clueless.
He's not your real "take charge" husband.
Lindsay, you're still looking for somebody like Daddy, okay? Let's not forget that he was also dismissive and disinterested.
No.
No, he had good qualities.
Actually, George Sr.
Was secretly living - in the attic above them and was starved for company- - Nellie.
Now- who wants to take their top off? when George Michael and Maeby came in.
So you and Ann are actually going on a Christian camping trip? It's called the Promise Land.
You're supposed to make promises about your relationship as a tribute to the generations that preceded you.
Hey, there's booze in this.
That's the Promise Land that Ann's taking you to? You're gonna need this more than Polly here.
- That one's Polly? - Hey! What are you kids doin' up here? We're lookin' for the camping stuff.
Do you know where the pump is for the air mattress? I had to take all pumps out of here a long time ago.
Take this down to the kitchen, will you? I think it's getting too risky keeping you up here.
You know what's risky? Lettin' your son go on that church thing.
Her name's Ann, Dad, and he's not "going" on her, okay? - They're just friends.
- Not for long.
They're making promises to each other.
It's all that fidelity and pledging yourself to a woman garbage.
I wine 'em and dine 'em, but I don't let 'em tell me what to do.
I don't let 'em tell me what to do.
Okay, I should've never taken the pumps out ofhere.
Listen, unlike you, I respect my son's choices.
George Michael, I don't think you should be going on this Promise Land thing.
What? Why? Because I'd miss school? - No.
- You get to miss school for that? And that's when Maeby decided to become a devout Christian.
Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold necklaces with the "T" on it? - That's a cross.
- Across from where? Um, it's not about school, pal.
It's more about family.
Your Uncle Buster's been very depressed lately, and you haven't visited him.
Family first.
Or did they not teach you that at the Promise Land? - I don't know.
You won't let me go.
- Attaboy.
Michael then went to the office, where he ran into Gob.
Barry come by yet? I need to talk to him about my divorce.
Gob had once gotten married on a dare a fact he'd only remembered when he was served with divorce papers.
- That cow is going after me.
- Your wife? She was super-thin.
- She was? - Yeah.
What about her cans? She have big cans? - You don't remember her at all? - It was one night of wild passion.
- And yet you didn't notice her body.
- I like to look in the mirror.
That would be disgusting if you'd actually slept with her, but I don't think you did.
- I did! And it was disgusting.
- They didn't, but it would have been.
Anyway, remember that seal of hers that I released into the ocean? - Bit off Buster's hand? - Vaguely.
Her lawyers are claiming that the seal's worth 250 grand.
And that's not even including Buster's Swatch.
Listen, Gob, if you admit in court that you never consummated the marriage you can get it annulled and walk away free and clear.
You just can't deal with the fact that I've got a super-thin wife with huge cans.
All right.
Who's ready to show their lawyer some love? The seal? Must've had a tracking device on it.
Someone tracked it all the way to a dock in Dana Point.
You know, if that hand is still intact inside the seal, Buster's got a shot at a transplant.
At the very least, we can get Buster's Swatch back, right? Up top.
No? And Tobias met with Carl Weathers at Burger King.
And Tobias met with Carl Weathers at Burger King.
Thanks for meeting me down here at Burger King.
I'm tryin' to get them to underwrite a new TV project I'm workin' on.
Get some money in exchange for settin' a scene here in Burger King.
As long as you don't draw attention to it.
I'm directing an episode of the series Scandal Makers.
It's about the Bluth family and your father-in-law's escape from justice.
- I play the lead- a bounty hunter, name of Ice.
- Oh, no.
You want me to play myself, don't you? I swore I'd not go reality.
- I will do- - No, I already got a great guy named Dave Attell to play you.
I wasn't actually here to ask you to be in it.
I'm lookin' for somebody in your family to sign a release.
I could not betray my family like that.
Come on, man.
I've got every part cast except for George Sr.
- I want that part.
- Then sign over the rights.
I'm gonna go get a new soda.
Did you know that you can get a refill on any drink you want here, and it's free? It's a wonderful restaurant.
It sure is.
George Michael, meanwhile, spent an afternoon - with his uncle, at his father's suggestion.
- King me.
Oh, God! I keep forgetting about this.
- Oh, me too.
- Well, that's a do-over.
So, who should go first? I know.
Let's rock-paper-scissors for it.
- No! You would've-You would've won that, so- - Oh.
George Michael- Buster, did you at least offer your nephew a bowl of soup? Yes, Mother, I did.
- Can I open a can of soup for you? - Can it open a can? - Can what open a can? Oh, God! - Oh, God! Actually, I just wanted to spend some time with my Knuckle Buster.
- See, Mother? Not everybody is afraid of me.
- Oh, my God! Aren't you the sweetest thing, spending some time with what's left of your uncle.
I was supposed to go away to the Promise Land this weekend, but my dad didn't want me to.
- Family first.
- Well, you've done your duty this week.
You're a very sympathetic young man.
Very sympathetic.
You know what? You deserve to go out of town this weekend, and I'm taking you.
Really? George Michael should have realized by the sailor suit Lucille dressed him in that he wasn't going north to the Promise Land.
I can't believe you don't know this song, George Michael.
No, he was going south.
- South to Motherboy.
And Michael and Gob headed out to find the seal with the tracking device.
I guess we should call Buster and have him meet us at the dock, right? I guess so.
Or we could make sure it's the right seal first? - I mean, why get his hopes up? - Yeah, that's better.
- Knock, knock.
- Oh, God! - Monster! - Hey, Brothers.
- Buster.
- Bonster! - Sorry about the window.
- Not a problem.
I really hate this stupid hook.
But I certainly can't walk around like this.
- Why not? - Very handsome.
We were just gonna call you.
We think we know where the seal is.
- The seal that did this to me? - Yeah.
- Take me! - Yes.
That's a good idea.
I'm gonna go with Barry.
You should get in here.
I'll just go with Barry.
There's not enough room for you and me and the stump and the thing- stuff.
Barry! Tobias had gotten his first speaking role simply by signing away the life rights of everyone he loved.
- And now he needed some research.
- I'm George Sr.
Ooh, that's good.
That's the voice.
I've got the voice.
- That's not my voice.
- Oh, my God! - What are you doing here? - I'm havin' a- tea party.
What does it look like? I live here.
You tell anybody, you are dead.
Tobias saw the raw power of George Sr.
Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.
Apower he needed the man to teach him.
- That's it.
So he explained the project, and George Sr.
Agreed on one condition.
If you play me, you gotta play me like a man and not some mincing little Polly or Nellie.
I get those names confused.
Apologies.
Apologies all around.
And the search for Buster's hand continued.
I would love to be able to say "Look what I've had reattached while you and George Michael were off to Motherboy.
" Motherboy? Wait a minute.
Mom took him to Motherboy? He couldn't wait to swoop in and throw on that sailor suit, because he's not damaged goods.
Wait a minute.
I don't want him doing that.
You gotta go with me down there and help me get him, all right? - That place is your scene.
- Face it, Michael.
They've won.
He's the new Buster.
This was the worst thing Michael could possibly hear.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
False alarm.
What they tracked down was a shark and he must've bitten off the part of the seal with the tracking device on it.
- Left flipper.
- So, the seal lost his hand too.
Yeah, poor guy's probably out there without a flipper swimming around in a circle, freaking out his whole family.
That tracking device tells me he was raised in captivity.
- There's no way he stood a chance out in the real world.
- See that? He was a victim too.
You both were too sheltered to learn how to protect yourselves and we can't let that happen to George Michael.
I will help you, Michael.
We've got to rescue your son.
And I've got to staple this to a seal.
And I've skipped breakfast, so I'm off to Burger King.
And Lucille arrived at the hotel where Motherboy was taking place.
This is nice, spending some time, just the two of us.
Oh- me.
The exact same color.
What are the odds? Not to worry.
Gangy brought some backups.
We'll get a room so we can change.
You think enough time has passed to do Sonny and Cher? - Who? - We're here for Motherboy.
And you do realize this is not the band.
Motherboy was also a heavy metal band That used to rock pretty hard in the '70s.
We are legally obligated to make the distinction.
Maybe I should let my dad know that we're here.
Oh, he'll know when we bring home the trophy.
Yeah, but maybe I'll just give him a call.
And what name shall we put the room under? - Karmopolis.
- And Lindsay was about to see a Tobias with the raw power of George Sr.
I sort of want to talk to you about some things.
It's a little late for talk, Lindsay.
I'm a man of action now.
You don't need the calories.
This isn't working.
Is it my imagination, or is he more commanding and mannish? It's like- I don't know.
Maybe I do want to be with him.
Then you should go to him.
For as it is written you shall be with whom you have formed a more perfect union with under God.
She's right.
This isn't working.
I'm sorry.
You've got the wrong Motherboy.
This looks like the place.
And Michael and Buster arrived at Motherboy.
Excuse me.
Has a Lucille Bluth checked in? - I have no one by that name.
- God.
- She knows you're after her.
- She does? Wait a minute.
I recognize those outfits.
- We're getting you out of here.
- Thank you! Thank you! - Oh, God! It's red.
- Take me with you! No, please! Please! - It's the wrong child.
- Where do we go next? I will tell you this, Michael.
If Mother saw those two, she is going to change clothes.
And that means he'll be on the balcony.
Whenever she changed clothes, she made me wait on the balcony until zip-up.
And yet, anything goes at bath time.
Let's check the balconies.
And Barry prepared Gob to meet with his wife.
If you really want to settle this, your job is to convince that "wife" of yours that you are willing to go in front of thejudge and admit that you never had sex.
She has a name, Barry.
You don't happen to know what it is by the way, do you? That's why I want to settle.
I'm not super prepared.
Well, we did have sex.
And I'm not a great liar.
Both things hejust said were lies.
- But if you think it'll scare her off.
- I do, and it will.
And you don't want to go in front of that judge.
I caught him in a drag club.
- What were you doin' there? - Wow.
You should be the lawyer.
And soon, Michael and Buster surveyed the hotel Iooking for George Michael.
There's a very bored-looking little Sonny Bono on that balcony.
Oh, God.
That means she'll be dressed like Cher.
I have an idea.
It is time I used something I trained for in army, but I never got a chance to do.
- You cannot zip-line over there! - Either I zip down or he zips up! And that is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit.
You have to get on your knees to start it.
This is much less scary.
Godspeed, Buster.
One, two, three- You came for me! Zip me up.
We're switching rooms again.
And costumes.
Tobias had begun work on the set of Scandal Makers.
What's so great about Tobias is he's got this obligation to his wife and daughter.
- Whoa.
This guy's straight? - Yeah.
Then what the hell am I wearin' these for? Look at that.
Hey, gang.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to note you to death but you should be wearing those under your pants.
- Why? - It's a thing.
There's dozens of us.
This whole thing is startin' to feel like a real career killer.
- Yeah, I know, man.
- Also, l- Tobias, why don't you go learn your lines, man? Work on them.
Did I get lines? God! They told me I was just jumping onto a moving stair car.
If that man's straight, then I am sober.
Hi.
Um, I'm waiting for "Gawb" Bluth.
I'm Gob Bluth.
My wife send you? - I'm your wife.
- I knew that.
Nice to see you again, Usarmy.
You lost a lot of weight in Iraq, especially up in the northern region.
- So where's the seal? - Hey, that's not my problem.
As far as I'm concerned, we were never even married.
Maybe I'll just say that we never sealed the deal.
- You're willing to admit that? - Lie about it? Yes.
Wow.
I mis-underestimated you.
You've got some courage.
Makes me wonder what I'm missing.
You mean, other than your cans? No.
They're still here.
And so Gob set about consummating the marriage he'd finally agreed to claim he hadn't.
And back at Motherboy XXX, Lucille was finding her new partner an asset.
- Is this your son? - No, I'm his grandmother.
- He's an orphan.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Well, you guys should win.
- I'm not an orphan.
I have a dad.
Well, good luck to you.
Well, that little bit of honesty helped nothing.
You'd better bring it to the waltz, young man.
Meanwhile, Michael and Buster had retrieved Buster's hook and were staking out the situation.
Gypsies.
Hey.
They've changed into gypsies.
My army training tells me that this is going to be a hot mission.
- One hot mission.
- Yes.
I create a diversion, and you grab George Michael and go.
We need a name.
Maybe "Operation Hot Mother.
" - No, let's try to top that.
- They never did.
And later, Operation Hot Mother was underway.
Buster was waiting for Michael's cue to unplug the lights.
But that's when Buster caught his hook on a sandbag.
Hey! And now from the land of gypsies, Lucille Bluth and her orphaned grandson.
What the hell's goin' on, Buster? Cut the lights! - Buster? - Grab him! Take the gypsy boy! - I'm taking you out of here.
Let's go.
- They haven't served dinner yet.
- George Michael.
- You're not taking him.
- Take me with you! - What are you doin'? I can't.
Get off of me! Buster, let's get out of here.
I'm stuck.
Go.
Take the boy.
Go! All right, Motherboys.
Our curtain seems to be stuck.
We're going to do some freestyle waltzing while we get it fixed.
Boys' choice.
- George Michael, you're choosing me.
- No, Mom.
You had no right to bring him to this freak show.
He was supposed to be visiting Buster.
No, you were supposed to be visiting Buster but you made your son do it because you didn't want to.
- You were supposed to do it? - You didn't want to? No.
Buster, l- I didn't know how to, uh, treat you, all right? I thought that you would be a little different, but you're not.
I was wrong, okay? I'm sorry.
You know, you're as good a brother as you ever were.
- Thank you.
- All right? Yes.
I am no different.
I am the same old Motherboy.
George Michael still has a chance.
Take him! Thanks.
Let's go.
Boys' choice? That is, if you're not embarrassed to take my hook.
Of course not.
I'm Peter Pan, and you're Captain Hook.
We'll pretend it's a costume.
Let's dance.
And that night, Michael, his brother and his son - arrived at the Promise Land.
- All right.
I appreciate you taking me up here to see Ann.
- A promise is a promise.
And I'm glad the three of us - Yeah.
- Were able to spend some time together.
- Oh, yeah.
- And I finally feel good about myself.
"Saddest.
" - And I saw some of those people.
- That was a very competitive category.
- Oh, don't I know it.
- Here we go.
- I can't get out, actually.
On the next Arrested Development.
Lindsay finds herself strangely compelled to be with Tobias.
I have never been more attracted to you.
Wow.
The service sent you over fast.
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
I'm in the wrong trailer.
But not the one she's married to.
So you don't cry when you take those off? Having finally had sex, Gob can admit he never consummated their marriage.
Judge, maybe you should take a look at this.
It was taken in your office just moments ago.
- But Gob catches a lucky break.
- There's no way to tell who this man is.
But it doesn't last long.
That's me, Your Honor.
L- my wife.
We really lost this case.
And Maeby impresses the kids at the Promise Land with her one scary campfire story.
Knock, scrape.
The only thing more terrifying than the escaped lunatic's hook was his twisted call! Hey, campers.
I'm a monster! This may have been a step backwards.
Upon her knee So fine to be Mother and boy Mother- boy