Arrested Development s04e07 Episode Script

Colony Collapse

Hollywood Boulevard at night is the playground of the hip, young and successful.
It was into this world that Gob Bluth had finally arrived, surrounded for the first time in his life by a group of admirers that comprised LA's latest young elite.
There was Mark, a pop star who had a level of fame he could neither appreciate nor handle.
Trout, a Southern boy who had a Northern man's taste in women.
, a weekend weatherman, all-week party boy and a huge disappointment to his father.
Chris K, who was a lot like Trout, but without the accent.
Oakwood, a studio teacher, who might have had his own entourage, if his part hadn't been cut from the pilot of Modern Family.
And, of course, there was the man they called Getaway.
Gob had come far in the year since his girlfriend was less than an hour from turning 18.
While we run the clock down on this thing, why don't you just go change into something a little less unflattering, and I'll And he was getting everyone in the mood for romance.
Guess I'll take my clothes off.
While Ann less-unflattered herself up, Gob had an unexpected visitor, Ann's ex-boyfriend George Michael Her? who, as it turned out, hadn't completely let go of the relationship.
You're lucky that I'm chasing after our girlfriend, or I'd have to flatten you! Way to plant, Ann.
You told me George Michael knew about us.
Well, he does now, my darling plant.
And after I dazzle everyone tonight on the Queen Mary, my magic career will take off as surely as there's a - mouse behind your ear.
Well, as surely as there's a mouse behind your ear.
- Mouse behind Okay, you are like the only person I know who doesn't just love magic.
A poll would confirm she was far from alone.
for the fifth year in a row, your least favorite entertainers are magicians.
A close second, talk show side-kicks.
(BLEEP) you, too, America.
'Cause I quit.
Well, you have to make things right with George Michael, otherwise you don't get to fourth base.
Of course, Ann's concept of fourth base was very different than Gob's.
But you have to promise me you'll always be faithful.
Faithful? Of course I can be faithful.
Until tonight, when we're together Oh! Until tonight! Well, of course I can be faithful.
Don't be stupid.
You think I can't keep it in my pants in front of a bunch of doggy old women and my family? Don't be stupid.
Who am I gonna hit on, stupid? My sister? Lindsay? Don't be stupid.
She's my sister, that's gross.
Now, you have got some mice to scoop out of the sea.
Now, the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled, and the one son who had no choice but to keep himself together.
It's Gob's Arrested Development.
On the day of the Queen Mary party, Gob remained faithful to Ann, even in the face of tremendous temptation.
But there would be no career-making magic show.
It seemed the only "her" Gob would be getting off that day was the Queen Mary.
But then the Queen changed course, heading back to shore before crashing into the jetty and leaving most of its occupants all wet.
I want all of these on the insurance form, okay? These are all part of an act I was going to do.
Two drowned white doves, for "flowers to doves.
" This was a rabbit for "doves to rabbit," also drowned.
These were mice For "rabbit to mice.
" No, that can't be done.
No, these were part of a something I called "Mice-a-laneous.
" "Mouse in purse.
" "Mouse in drink.
" "Here's a mouse, now it's gone.
" How'd he do that? But it was another man that Gob needed to make things right with George Michael if he was ever going to deflower Ann Veal.
Uncle Gob.
Are we good? No.
No, how could we possibly be? But But are we good? No! You stole my girlfriend.
That's a tough thing, and, you know, sometimes you have to ask yourself, "Are we good?" Is it over between you guys? No.
But are we good? I don't know what you want to hear from me, Uncle Gob.
- I mean, yes, we are good - There it is! There it is! Ah! From a nephew to his uncle, and just the "yes," the much-vaunted "yes," that he gets.
Look at you, full of "yes.
" Look at how much "yes" is in you! I knew it! I knew I'd get that "yes" from you.
Look who got a "yes"! Got my "yes.
" And Gob realized there was finally nothing standing in the way of a loving, committed relationship with Ann.
My life is a fallacy.
It's just a fallacy So, that night, as he broke into her house to break up with her Gob! For a second, I thought that was a real guy.
So, listen, I talked to George Michael and everything's cool.
I need to tell you something, though.
I've been doing some thinking and I I just don't But as she unzipped her pajamas, it reminded him of past situations which he'd successfully been aroused.
Well, I could wait till after.
And later, Gob once again tried to find a compassionate way -to end the relationship.
- So how did you like your egg? I said you were fine.
So, was there something you wanted to talk about when you came in through my window? Gob, what is it? What What is it? I You It's the The questions You have so many of these These questions that That you keep asking for me For Should Should I Should I? Should the Should the guy Should the guy in the In the $32 In the $32 pink Bath Should the girl in the $6,000 tuxedo Gob was uncomfortable with the question.
Should In the $32 In the $3,400 Should the guy Come on, come on.
- Let's - Come on - Come on, come on Gob! Calm down! Listen, we had a great night together.
I understand if you need your freedom.
Well, marry me.
Yes, I'll marry you, Gob! Of course, Gob meant it in the showbizzy way his niece had always used when she was accused of being too young.
What are you, like 15? Marry me.
Marry me.
Marry me.
And may I add, marry me.
Marry me.
But like many evangelicals, Ann took it literally.
I'm getting married! Gob was surrounded by unconditional love from a family for the first time in his life.
I've made a huge mistake.
Gob shared his happy news at a meeting with his family.
I'm sure Gob helped himself to the money.
Hey, I got mouths to feed.
Mouths? Mouth.
Oh, hey, mouth.
I didn't see you sitting there.
We rode up in the elevator together.
I'm blanking.
Yeah, me and Blank are getting the old Christian magic act back together.
I mean, you don't expect people to actually believe that I'm Jesus if I'm walking around in rags.
You're resurrecting that mumbo-jumbo? Look, everybody's got a gimmick.
Tony Wonder's making a fortune with that gay magician act.
Gob's long-time nemesis had come out of the closet and used it to great advantage in his act.
Besides, I have to do something for the wedding.
Who's getting married? Her! - Who's marrying her? - Me.
- Did I not open with that? - You sure didn't.
Yeah, I'm getting married! I didn't want to make a big deal about it.
- You haven't.
- Well, my wedding's going to be religious-y and epic and expensive, which is why I need more of that stimmy money.
Thanks, Mike.
And perhaps it was all the talk of spirituality that led to this.
And welcome to And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You.
Excuse me, Father Marsala, I hate to interrupt, but I am so excited today.
My lovely Ann - Who? - My daughter.
Oh, I didn't know you had a daughter.
- You've met her several times.
- Oh! She's sitting right next to you.
Oh! That's why she's there.
I thought you were hair.
Hair? No, she's my daughter, and she's getting married! To this good man.
Well, and as it is such, so also as such is it unto you, young man.
You got it.
Unto you as well, dear heavenly Fathers.
Well, we have a really great show today surrounding the Scriptures We have an announcement to make.
I have an announcement to make, that we would like to televise our marriage here on this show.
My goodness.
Um We hadn't heard of it.
Did you? Well, no, but that's No.
What an idea.
I think Well, this show is about the spirit of inclusion, -so I would love to say - Well, great! Then I, too, have an announcement to make! At our wedding, I will be performing one of my famous magical illusions.
That once your eyes have beholden it, you will put no God before me, because of its spectacularity.
And, of course, I only propose to do this out of love for Ann.
And God.
Love for and God.
Let me pray.
Dearest beloved Gods Gob was feeling bolder, which was perhaps why Michael returned home to find this.
And yea, as if to be arisen the third or fourth day with all the magic of Jesus Christ! Sorry.
Wasn't on there too good.
-- You okay? Yeah, it's just part of my illusion for the wedding.
Yeah, what's the illusion? That you actually love the bride? Hey, that's good patter.
Except for I need people to root for the Jesus character.
I don't remember a biblical passage where Jesus came out of a boulder.
Is it in there? Oh, no, no, no, the boulder's my escape plan.
They think I'm somewhere else.
I'm actually in the boulder.
But I didn't come here to talk -about my magic act, Michael.
- Okay.
I came to ask you to be my best man slash assistant.
And then we'll walk through the act later, of course.
- I mean, not now.
- No, we're not going to, 'cause you know, I'm out of the family.
Did you not get that when I announced it over at Mom's place? I feel like I was out of the room at that point.
I am done with this family.
I hope you've saved some money 'cause - you're gonna need every dime.
Well, the gist of it was, "You know what? I'm done with this family.
"I hope you saved your money 'cause "you're going to need every last dime now.
" Maybe you could be a centurion, kind of standing over -where they think that I'll be.
- I'm not going to be in the act.
Might be a great promotion for the Bluth Company.
No, Bluth Company's done.
I started my own company, Michael B.
I have a bee company.
You stole my idea? Uh-huh, I did not steal your We sell it would take hours.
How's that going, by the way? Uh, not so good.
I've been keeping the bees in my apartment.
I was using my magic smoke on them.
My bees are dropping like flies, and I need them to fly like bees.
And so I've got them out at a bee hospital, which is not cheap, which is another reason I need to be a famous magician.
The whole thing Yeah, well, listen, you're with my son's ex, so I can't support the wedding.
What if I don't actually get married? I don't think you'd need a best man, then, right? No, I guess, at that point, it'd really be more assistant.
Is this an escape act? - Are you running again? - What do you want from me? Marriage is a lot of pressure, and she's not into it.
Meanwhile, I'm working out like crazy, my diet has become insane, and this Jesus character l mean, he was shredded.
Meanwhile, we have sex one time, and then she's just, you know, over it.
Lets herself go.
Her stomach's out to here.
You know, your whole life is an escape act, and this girl seems like she really likes you.
Why don't you just try to work it out and just stop running Yeah, I know you're in the boulder.
But how'd I get in the boulder? And on the day of the wedding, even though Gob didn't take it seriously, he was a little hurt to discover no one else in his family did, either.
I know it's bad luck for you to see me in my gown before the wedding.
Well, hopefully I haven't.
You're angry.
Why? Because none of my family has shown up and the only person I recognize out there is Tony Wonder, who's only shown up hoping that I'd fail? I don't know what your surprise trick is, but I know it's going to be great.
And as for your family, you have a new family now.
I don't want these.
- Tobias! - Gob.
- Thanks for coming.
- How could I not? I'm playing Roman Centurion Number Two.
- What are you playing? - I'm the groom.
I didn't know there was a groom part.
You know, Betty at And As It Is Such, So Also As Such ls It Unto You casting told me this was all biblical.
Wait, you're not here for the wedding? Well, thank you very much for your vote of confidence.
I'll have you know I've worked for The Miracle Network a number of times.
Coming up next, Father Marsala's searing docudrama, Father Marsala's John the Baptist.
Then the antiabortion drama, Embryo Dan: it Would Have Been a Wonderful Life.
And later, break out the bagels.
It's time for Father M's lighthearted comedy, A Jew Came to Dinner.
I hate to be the guy who quotes his own reviews, but His Word magazine called my Jew "pitiful.
" But soon, the wedding began.
So, it truly is a blessed day.
I believe that we are all blessed to be gathering here at the Church of the Holy Eternal Rapture.
We have almost arrived at that glorious moment where we join together these two very special people, but first, my almost son-in-law has something he'd like to share with all of us, so, um, ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy a magical trick.
Thanks for that killer intro.
It's true, this is a magical trick.
If what Jesus did was a trick.
I say it wasn't.
it was an illusion.
Ooh! They did not like that one.
I don't take notes from you, Centurion Number Two.
Just turn this thing around.
I am not the real Jesus.
I am the Amazing Jesus! No? I thought that that would be up your alley.
Yes, the real Jesus came off the cross and went into his cave a dead man.
And Gob's escape boulder was wheeled up to the trick.
But was he crazy enough to do it handcuffed? Handcuff the King of the Jews! You don't have words here Pastor Veal, if you don't mind, please go up into the cave and assure everyone that there's no way to escape.
No trapdoors, no secret compartments, no way to get out.
Thank you very Pastor Veal, let me remind you that you are in a church in front of your daughter, your congregation, God.
You cannot tell a lie.
Right, nothing out of the ordinary? No, I didn't see anything.
Jesus went into the cave, and he arose three days later.
But I'm not going to lock myself in a cave for three days before this wedding ceremony.
No, no.
No, no, no.
I plan on beating his record by two full weeks! Into the cave with you! No, I said don't underline the "you" in that.
Unfortunately, Gob was not able to open the secret compartment that contained the handcuff key.
It's not going to work.
Okay, this isn't going to work.
Let's do mouse in drink.
Just get these people some drinks.
We'll just get a mouse.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, you know not what you do! But it very clearly said in the centurions' script to ignore the magician's protests, which meant that, still handcuffed But if my hands are handcuffed, I'll never Gob was unable to break his fall and was therefore knocked unconscious.
Andas the Gob dummy was sealedinside the cave, the real Gob's fate was sealed, as well.
Well, I guess we'll wait two weeks and see if he's in there.
Is that okay with you, Ann? He's not coming back.
Gob was stuck inside a fake boulder in the parking lot of a church Hey, kids.
while inside the church, -the daily routine proceededas usual -I-18.
and the anticipation grew to a fevered pitch.
Eleven exciting days, um, although nothing's really happened.
Day 11 .
Once he gets out, it's going to be a beautiful, beautiful wedding.
He's not coming back.
But it was Betty from And As it ls Such, So Also As Such Is it Unto You that would render Gob's escape act a disaster.
You got to get rid of this thing.
I got Mrs.
Murray's trailer here.
I guess if he comes back from the dead, we could just get a stepladder.
Guys, this, too.
And a hoarse, weakened Gob was unable to stop them as the boulder was shipped to a storage unit in Tustin.
Although a keen eye could see that Gob was alive but not well.
And that's why this particular chair was empty at the trial of Lucille Bluth.
Well, I can't thank you all enough for returning At the end of two weeks, the big day finally arrived, again.
So let's count down.
Let's have some fun.
From five, four, three, two, one! The dead will walk amongst us.
No, he shan't, for he ith not here.
- I knew it.
- Oh, there's a note.
"If I have not yet returned, I am in the Rapture.
" Oh, and then it says What does he think we've been doing? I loaned him $1,000.
Gob didn't fare much better than the bride, finally being discovered on an episode of the auction reality show Moment of truth, people.
It's a masker.
Jesus, there's a man in there.
Pack, stack, and all that.
- Let's get the bidding started at $100.
- Anybody? - Nope.
It's hissing.
After a week in the hospital, Gob was happy to finally see a familiar shape.
You humiliated me.
You made a mockery of my religion and you ruined our wedding.
Our first fight, and like all fights, you're a little right, I'm a little right.
I sold your cave on Craigslist.
So it was all worth it.
We have money to start our life together.
Now we have our nest, Egg Ann.
Now we have our nest, Ann.
I'm leaving you, Gob.
I don't love you anymore.
I feel sorry for you, and you're gonna be alone forever unless you let the Holy Ghost inside you.
The Holy You know what? I hope you read this.
And maybe it was the fact that he had nothing in his system but two weeks of candy vines, but it did get through to him.
It's me.
Uh, I wanted to let you know that I'm, I'm ready to, to let the son of Gob enfold me.
Have you been to the club And, owned by Jeremy Pivan? I'm gonna be there tonight about 8:00.
Maybe you could join me, I don't Obviously it's me, your Nah, he got it.
Gob was waiting to meet his son at a bar and feeling a little vulnerable.
Lost my wife, lost my career.
When I was in that storage unit at the bottom of that rock, it was like I hit - Rock bottom? - No, no, not that.
More like a trending downward moment that just I don't know.
Maybe I'm being tested like that guy "Jawb" from the Bible.
- Job.
- Yes? - Job.
- Yes, sir.
- Job.
- Yeah.
Look, I feel sorry for you, Pops.
Hey, pal, I'm not that much older than you, guy.
Nah, I'm just here, I'm looking for my son.
I'm trying to get some cash out of him, actually.
You have another son? I have a brother? Oh, man.
Yes, Steve.
What's his name? Dave.
Oh! Dave Holt.
- Yeah, Dave Holt.
- Yes.
Yes, Gob had been speaking to his son for an hour and a half.
- Wait, your mom's name is Eve? - Yeah.
God, I (BLEEP) a chick named Eve once.
Biggest mistake of my life.
And perhaps it was because Gob was inadvertently so warm to his son that Steve offered his father a job.
I don't even really have a job.
Would you want to come work with me? I mean, I Are you serious? I mean, I'm in pest control, but father and son.
What a great team.
It would be a great team.
I mean, I don't care.
Pest control I don't know.
As long as I'm not being a pest to you, right? - No, never.
- I mean, I'm kidding.
Where is your place of business? -181 -181 - Manville.
- Manville.
What time do you start this pest control? Then I'll be there at 6:45 with two cups of coffee.
Oh, Dad, this is the greatest day of my life.
No, this is the greatest day of my life.
And perhaps it was because it was such a great day -6:45.
that Gob decided to stay at the bar and show off a little.
I bet it's been a long time since you've seen your - Cherry.
- I have lupus.
-- Could have warned a guy.
But showing off did catch the attention of someone.
That was the real deal, huh? How about this? How about you do that cherry trick for my boy Mark Cherry? Mark Cherry the baby-faced singer or Marc Cherry the baby-faced showrunner? Baby-faced singer.
Right over there, man.
He has loved magic ever since he was a kid.
Which was two years earlier, when Mark Cherry was the star of a cable teen sitcom called Pop-A-R.
, created by a longtime writing veteran of the TV show Cheers.
Soon, Mark Cherry became a pop sensation off his co-written hit single, Practice Kisses.
I found a gentleman who is about to do a magic trick for you.
No, it's an illusion.
A trick is something a whore does for Do a trick and I'll pay for your bar tab.
Who wants a trick? Yeah! Whoa ! Gob had them in the palm of his hand.
He even got the attention -of a still out-of-control Rebel Alley - Do it again.
who was there doing research -for an upcoming PSA - Fireball! Fire, fire! she'd soon be required to do by law.
Never yell "fire" in a crowded place.
It's never funny.
That's always funny.
- And she was intrigued by this magical man.
- Whoa! That is a David Spade.
Check your purse.
Oh! Nice.
Aw, man, paparazzo.
Shoot, great.
The last thing I need is to be seen partying with some tweens.
I'm trying to clean up my act.
Dude, network's gonna flip if there's another drunk photo of you.
I know.
We got to get you away from this place, okay? Getting away is kind of my specialty.
I'll have us out of here in a flash.
All right.
Let's get out of here while they still got lighter fluid in their eyes.
Go, baby.
Nice moves, Getaway.
- Oh! - Okay.
Gob had been accepted into the group, which was bad news for Cherry's business manager's son Josh Abramson.
Gob actually did end up driving down Manville at 6:45a.
I'll be with you in a second, I'll be right there.
Start without me, just start without me.
Do it! He's not coming back.
Gob was living the dream, and felt like he was in the center of the entourage, even though he was three away from the center at the closest, and it was pop star Mark Cherry's dream.
Hey, I'm with the guys.
Keep the limo running, Getaway.
That's my job.
The next few months were a blur of partying.
And shame.
But Gob had a trick for helping him forget the shame.
Unfortunately it also helped him forget that he tried to forget the shame Hey, remember me? and soon Gob found himself experiencing what, on the street, is referred to as a roofie circle I won't forget this.
whereby a roofie is taken the day after a degrading event too late to erase the memory of the degrading event itself, but not too late to erase the prior day's attempt to erase the event.
Thus, with no memory of taking the roofie, but the memory of the event very much alive Ooh, I should grab a the victim of the roofie circle finds himself constantly trying to re-erase the memory What's with the scary guy? but only succeeds in erasing the memory of the attempt to erase the memory.
Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months What's with all the Christmas decorations? as relationships grow testier.
And what begins in shame Hey, remember me? almost always ends You remember me? - You remember me? -In a Mexican hospital Remember me? with stage-four syphilis.
Gob was also wearing out his welcome -with Mark and the other hangers-on.
- See, told you I knew him.
Can I get a picture with him to show my five-year-old? You have a five-year-old? A granddaughter.
- Oh, yeah, fine.
- Thank you.
- What the hell? - Run, run, run.
And perhaps it was this incident (BLEEP) Getaway.
that inspired Mark Cherry to actually write a song about Gob.
Go away, Getaway, stay away, Getaway But the lyrics were too subtle for Gob to notice I know guys just like that.
And as his life in the Malibu colony was falling apart, he got a call that his bee colony wasn't doing much better from a very much alive Johnny Bark.
They're sick.
They're going to collapse the whole colony.
Did you tell him about the sick bees? Jesus, I just said that! And Gob returned just in time to catch his friends going out for the evening without him.
Guys, hurry before he sees us.
Come on.
Hey, guys, where we going? I'll drive, I just got to put my sick bees in the trunk.
And perhaps this was the moment that Gob could sense the tide was turning.
It's my fault, guys.
I made a mistake.
In an effort to remain popular with the gang, Gob stopped in front of a club to pick up some women.
Who wants to party with Mark Cherry? Me, me, me That's one forget-me-now saved, fellas? Looks like we got a real live one.
And by live, I mean barely alive.
- Take off your - Clothes.
- Take off your - Clothes.
We're having a good time.
We are having a great time.
- Hey, Getaway.
- Yeah.
You know what'd be really cool? If you shut the partition.
It'd be like a joke, like you're our limo driver That would be hilarious, right? "Oh, yes, very good, sir, very good.
" Right? Be like, "I'm just driving the queen of England," but we're still We're taking our clothes off But perhaps if they had not excluded Gob, he could have prevented this from happening.
you have a good stash in here.
What are you talking about? "A lot of traffic out here today, Miss Daisy.
" Go away, Getaway, stay away, Getaway On the plus side, Gob's bees were feeling good enough to sting again.
I see this boat and I'm like, "Those are police boats," so, anyway, I'm running around and I said, "It's not a trick, it's an illusion" To the entourage, the evening was a complete disaster.
Drunken, sick, and covered with bee stings, they had truly hit bottom.
For Gob, however, it was an amazing night, and he couldn't wait to forget it.
Fun night.
A fun night.
Fun night.
The next day, Getaway awoke without a care in the world and snuck to the front door, trying not to arouse the gang he assumed wouldbe blissfully sleeping it of fall day.
Wake up! But Gob had slept through the seven ambulances that had arrived after Josh Abramson had swung by to pick up an old computer.
Nonetheless, later that evening, Gob arrived early at the Opies, an award show that honored youth in Hollywood, to make sure that Mark Cherry would be well taken care of Where's the coconut shrimp? before his scheduled performance.
Hey, come on, my guys love coconut shrimp, especially if they can get it with a little bit of club It was then that Gob noticed the presence of a competitor from his past.
Tony Wonder.
Gob realized that where there was glitter, there must also be Tony Wonder.
And that's when Gob decided to take advantage of an unexpected diversion and have a little fun by wedging shut a panel on the podium he knew Tony Wonder would pop out of.
You guys want to see a real failed magician? You might want to get down to the Opies tonight.
It's going to be hysterical.
And that's when Gob found out that Mark Cherry had checked into rehab.
Well, come on, you guys, I mean, it's just A little alcohol poisoning never killed anyone.
Actually, alcohol poisoning is responsible for over 4,000 deaths a year.
Binge drinking, not cool.
Well, that's a drag.
I thought we were friends.
But, of course, they weren't.
But Schnoodle's coming out now, too And that's when he saw - Tony Wonder come out of a speaker.
-just like Tony Wonder.
I'm here, I'm queer.
And now I'm in a speaker.
No one can stop us.
It was in that pivotal moment that Gob realized he had lost his fiancée, his career, his family and his entourage.
I have no one in my life who cares for me.
Go away, Getaway, stay away, Getaway Great, and now my boss is up my ass.
Get away, Getaway Gob nurses the loss of his new family when he gets a call from his old one.
This is Gob.
It's your mother.
We're going to plan B.
Go see your father in the desert.
He wants you to prepare to be president of the Bluth Company.
Yes, finally.
I will not disappoint you, Mom.
I am the perfect person to look out for this family.
Whoa! Hey, I met a girl today Get away, Getaway And after collapsing yet another colony, Gob makes a startling discovery - My cave.
-and decides to investigate Why didn't you open? only to discover that someone had wedged shut his secret compartment on the day he deserted his Christian bride.
" Tony Wonder.
Tony Wonder.