As Time Goes By (1992) s02e01 Episode Script

201 - White Hunter

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # (Giggling) - Do you mind, grandad? - Sorry.
Someone in there.
(Giggling) Look, you're not just snogging in there, are you? (Laughter continues) Snogging.
- "Snogging"! - Well - Whatever you call it these days.
- Foreplay.
- What? - Foreplay.
We were having our photo taken.
That's the trouble with your generation.
You're obsessed with sex.
Well, go on.
Take your family in.
Blast! - What are you up to in there? - Oh, clear off.
Blast! - Snogging? - No! Blast! - You look like a frightened horse in that one.
- I was angry.
Well, an angry horse.
- The one of the top of my head's good.
- Are you still angry? No.
Just facing the wrong way.
Oh, I have to ask.
What is a Chinese gentleman doing in this one? - Butting in.
- Why? He wanted to know if I was snogging.
With whom? A young couple in there before me said I was obsessed with sex.
- Are you? - No, of course not.
Well, they seemed to be in there a long time so I asked them if they were just snogging.
- I don't expect it's called snogging these days.
- No, they said that.
- What is it called? - F I can't remember.
- Hello, Lionel.
- Hello.
Ooh, photos.
I love photos.
- Is this a joke? - I don't think it was intended to be.
What's that Chinaman doing? Have copies made.
Circulate them.
Raise the spirits of the entire nation.
- I'm only curious.
- So am I.
- I'll tell you over dinner.
- We're going out? - Yes, WE are.
Anything to add? - No.
I've left my bag upstairs.
I won't be a minute.
- What's the matter with the top of your head? - May I have them back, please? Thank you.
I'm glad you're going out with Mum.
I mean, I am over you.
You make me sound like Beechers Brook.
It was just a silly romantic notion.
I'm prone to those.
It would never have worked.
- You're far too old.
- You're far Quite.
- Is that what you were going to say? - Yes, of course.
What do young people call snogging these days? I don't know.
I don't think it's called anything.
Why? Oh, call it historical research.
- Is that what you've got in mind with Mum? - No.
Well - You're embarrassed.
- I'm not embarrassed.
So is it just companionship then? You make it sound as if we should be wearing woolly hats.
- Woolly hats? - It's an image.
We may not be in the first flush of youth but - It's amazing, isn't it? - No, it isn't amazing.
It's perf Oh, there you are.
I know someone's been taking behind my back when they say, "Oh, there you are.
" - I started it.
- I thought you might have.
- Shall we go? - Let's.
- I shan't wait up as I'm a bit tired.
- Good night.
So if you want to have a good snog Good night, Judith.
(Laughs) What? - Have I got a bit of food on me or something? - No.
Wouldn't it be funny if the chap in your photograph turned out to own this restaurant.
- No.
- No.
No, it would just be an extraordinary coincidence.
You don't laugh as much as you used to.
Less to laugh at, I suppose.
You never told me why you had those ridiculous photographs taken.
I didn't intend them to be ridiculous.
It's curiosity really.
I just wanted to see what I look like.
Most people use a mirror.
No, how I photograph.
Are you thinking of becoming a model? It's the book.
Alistair the boy publisher has decided he wants me on the cover.
- You?! - Thank you.
Well, I suppose he knows what he's doing.
I mean, he wouldn't deliberately endanger sales, would he? - Would you like a drink? Brandy? - I wouldn't mind, actually.
But the chap said the bar had closed 20 minutes ago.
Oh, I've been here before.
There's a trick to it.
Erm - May we have a pot of China tea? - Yes, sir.
That's erm China tea.
Yes, sir.
- That's the trick, is it? - That's the trick.
- Who with? - The waiter, obviously.
- No, who were you here with? - Mind your own business.
No, Alistair, actually.
You should be flattered that he wants you on the cover.
I don't have photographs taken, you see.
I tend to turn out looking sulky.
Well You didn't look sulky in this one.
Good God.
That was us 38 years ago.
You look a bit smug.
I felt a bit smug.
I suppose they couldn't use that for the cover of the book.
It's called My Life In Kenya, not My Life As A National Serviceman.
- Anyway, I'm not in the book.
- You weren't in Kenya.
I know I wasn't in Kenya.
- It'll never sell.
- Oh, that's the spirit.
I've got used to things not turning out right.
Well, getting a drink after hours isn't bad.
- One pot of China tea, sir.
- Thank you.
It's like Prohibition.
- Large one? - Please.
It's tea.
You know, I think there's more riding on this book than Lionel admits.
I think he needs the money.
Well, speaking as one of the seriously underpaid, who doesn't? - It just needs to sell.
- Yes, the trouble is, we've all read it.
He and you-know-who went out to dinner last night.
- Did they? - Hm.
Quite late back.
- Good sign.
- He didn't come in.
- Ah.
Bad sign.
- Not much activity on the door step either.
- Do you talk like this behind my back? - No.
It's much juicier.
- (Knocking) - Oh, that'll be Alistair.
(Alistair) Well, hello.
I just love that dress.
I just love it.
Yes, that's Alistair.
What a wonderful way to start the day.
Two beautiful women craving my attention.
(Both) Morning, Alistair.
Three beautiful women craving my attention.
I'm not craving anything.
I just came in to collect my coffee.
- I don't remember saying "craving".
- You said you wanted to see me.
- I do.
- Same thing.
What's the prob? Ah, "the prob" is Lionel.
He's worried about the book.
Is it going to sell or not? - I'm publishing it.
- Yes but is it going to sell or not? Within reason.
Look, I can't make the public buy it but a bit of hype, a pick-me-up-and-buy-me cover and who knows? This pick-me-up-and-buy-me cover.
Isn't it a photograph of Lionel? Of course.
My Life In Kenya.
He's the main man.
Does Lionel's face say, "Pick me up and buy me"? Well, we'll just have to improve it somehow.
A photograph of Lionel against a jungle background with a silly hat on? - That's just what Mum said.
- What will Lionel say? Something profane, I imagine.
Did Alistair have any other bright ideas? Well, he waffled on a bit, you know.
Kept using words like "danger" and "excitement".
There isn't going to be a lion as well, is there? I sincerely hope not.
No, I think Alistair just wants things to suggest danger and excitement.
- Did he say anything else? - Well, nothing specific, but enough for Mum to think that Lionel needs some well, preparing.
- That's where she's gone.
- It won't be that awful, will it? It can't be awful.
Alistair gets rich from selling books.
He must know what he's doing.
It's all a matter of taste, I suppose.
And Lionel's taste does not run to wearing silly hats.
Or a jungle background.
- (Phone) - Or whatever else Alistair has in mind.
- Oh, hello, Lionel.
- You made it sound urgent.
Urgent? No.
I made some sandwiches.
- Shouldn't you be at work? - That's not a very gracious thing to say.
It's curiosity, really.
You haven't taken the day off just to give me sandwiches.
- Don't you like them? - Yes, they're very nice.
There's nothing like a nice sandwich sometimes.
Oh, true.
I often think a nice sandwich is the high spot of my life.
That's a silly thing to say.
- What did you really want to see me about? - Ah.
Well, I bumped into Alistair.
We got talking about this photograph of you for the cover of the book.
- I see.
- Don't say "I see" like that.
I haven't told you what Alistair said.
Don't bother with the peculiar words he uses.
Just give me a translation.
Well, he said it needed something.
What? Well, "something" is what he kept saying.
Unless you use all those words like pizzazz and chutzpah which you claim not to understand.
Pizzazz and chutzpah with me as the subject? Yes, it's not a natural connection.
What has he got in mind? Me lying naked on a pile of coffee beans? Oh, that's not very helpful.
Well, he produces half-baked ideas as fast as most people blink.
Well, it's his way.
And a lot of good ideas sound half-baked to begin with.
- Like what? - Well, like, er flying.
Alistair doesn't claim to have invented the aeroplane, does he? You know what I mean.
- Fishfingers? - Yes, fish don't have fingers.
Oh, really? So when somebody said, "I know, let's call them fishfingers," it may have sounded half-baked but it was brilliant.
I've never met anybody with fingers shaped like fishfingers.
Well, have you? And actually they're just rectangles.
So you'd have called them fish rectangles, would you? That's pedantic and dull, which is what Alistair doesn't want the cover to be.
He wants it to say, "Pick me up and buy me.
" - I could have that printed across my forehead.
- Now you're just being obstructive.
- Well.
- You know, he sells books.
- He must know what he's doing.
- I won't do anything ridiculous.
He's not going to ask you to stand on your head or pull funny faces, is he? I shall find out tomorrow.
He's set up a session in the studio.
Oh, now, you will cooperate.
I will not make a fool of myself.
Just bend a little, hm? It's for the book.
It's to sell your book.
- I'll cooperate.
- That's a good fella.
- Chutzpah.
- Bless you.
What? - Why did she come back? - She didn't come back until 3:00.
That gave them three hours.
Does it take three hours to talk about a book cover? So your version is half an hour's talk and two and a half hours of unbridled passion? Perhaps not unbridled.
They're getting on a bit to be unbridled.
- You have got over him, haven't you? - Oh, yes.
- But he is sweet.
- Not a word I'd have thought of.
- Pity Mum's not a sea otter.
- A sea otter? Why? You must have seen that programme.
When sea otters make love, they bite each other's noses.
- What a funny thing to do.
- Yes, it is.
But the point is, you can always tell when a sea otter's made love.
So you mean, if your mum had walked in with a red nose - Exactly.
- I'm glad it's not so obvious with people.
So am I, actually.
Well his coat looks in good condition.
- Hello, Lionel.
- Oh.
- You going in? - Erm probably I was.
In fact, I am.
What are you looking at? No.
Well, it would probably have worn off by now, anyway.
Yes, 3:00 would be fine.
Oh, I'm sure we will.
Yes, I'll look forward to seeing you.
Right, bye.
Prawns and mayonnaise on brown bread and Lionel.
- Oh.
- Hello.
- Hello, Lionel.
- Have you got a thing about sandwiches? No.
Just eating.
I'll have lunch with Sandy.
Do sit down, Lionel.
I won't be a minute.
Now listen, you two.
George Stillman is coming here this afternoon.
It's important that he likes us.
It'll mean four or five secretaries for three months.
Understood? - How much does he have to like us? - It's not a red-nose job, is it? - What? - No, she's just being silly.
It seems to me you're both being silly.
I'm talking about a good impression.
- It is important.
- Yes, boss.
"Vanity of vanities, saith the preacher.
All is vanity.
" - Substitute anxiety and you've got it.
- Oh.
- This afternoon, is it? - Yes.
Me, Alistair, a photographer and chutzpah.
Oh, you'll be all right.
- I wondered if you'd like to come along.
- I'm afraid I can't.
- I'd like to but I can't.
- Oh, that's fine.
- Would you like half my sandwich? - No, thanks.
It's best not to eat.
I don't mean not at all.
Just this afternoon.
- You carry on.
- No, I can't.
You're putting me off.
- Oh, I am sorry.
- Well, it's the tension.
- I can feel it like gamma rays.
- You can't feel gamma rays.
- Oh, well, whatever.
- Oh, God, it's so silly, isn't it? I mean, I was shot at in the Korean War.
Actually shot at.
It wasn't just the mule that kicked you, then.
But this prancing around in front of a camera.
- It's not prancing around.
- Well, posing, posturing.
You've got cold feet.
- Do you want some coffee? - (Lionel) No, thanks.
- No, thanks, Judy.
I'll wait till later.
- Right.
- Is that all? - Yes.
Yes, that's all.
- What's all that about? - A vivid imagination, I expect.
You've got cold feet.
Oh! Oh, she didn't Yes, and I was late back yesterday.
The French are reputed to make love in the afternoon.
The French are reputed to do all sorts of things.
- About these cold feet.
- Could we use another expression? Well, anxiety.
It's only having your photograph taken.
I suddenly hate what I'm doing.
I'm whingeing.
I would come with you but I simply can't.
- I shouldn't have asked you.
It's pathetic.
- No, it isn't.
You once asked me to watch you play rugby for the Home Counties Brigade.
So I did.
Yeah, rather different case, though.
I asked you then because I wanted to show off.
- Did you really? - Yes.
Youthful limbs, all of that.
"That's my boyfriend," I thought.
"Number seven on his back, brave as a lion.
" We got massacred by the Parachute Regiment.
- Well, they were bigger than you.
- Yes.
"Boyfriend"? That's what you said in those days.
- Anyway, I'm glad you came.
- So am I.
I'm off.
What are Alistair and a photographer compared to the Parachute Regiment? Oh, good luck.
Here we are, mate.
Li, Oz, Oz, Li, Li, Lee, Lee, Li.
- Hi.
- Right.
It's not Li.
It's Lionel, actually.
- Right.
- Hi.
- So what do you reckon, mate? - What is it? What is it? It's Kenya! It doesn't look like Kenya.
Looks like a set for a Tarzan film.
Mate, make space in your head.
This is what most people want Kenya to look like.
- Well, they must be idiots.
- They're your potential readers.
How very encouraging.
Mate, describe the Land of Oz to me.
I don't know where he comes from.
No, no, no.
I mean Oz as in Wizard Of.
Oh, I don't know.
Oh, go on.
Just for me.
Well, er those little red-roofed houses, big flowers and those obnoxious munchkins.
- Go on.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
Bear with me, bear with me.
Well, there was a Yellow Brick Road, and I think it led to the Emerald City.
Now tell me, have you ever been to the Land of Oz? No, I understand you have to be rendered unconscious by a storm in Kansas to get there.
So in fact nobody actually knows what Oz looks like.
The implication being that nobody knows what Kenya looks like.
But this is what most of your readers want it to look like.
- Then they are idiots.
- We've done that one.
Believe me, OK? Just trust me.
Er let's burn rubber.
Oz costs megabucks by the hour.
Does he? All right.
Where do I stand? (Laughs) No! Lionel, not like that! Get into your costume first.
Costume? - Twenty to three.
Is that really the time? - (Judith) Yep.
Oh, what the hell.
He's only a client.
- You don't get in a state about clients.
- I'm not getting into a state about a client.
I'm getting into a state about someone who faced the Paras without flinching.
Wild guess.
What about George Stillman? Well, you deal with him.
And you.
- Me? What if I can't? - Oh, no problem, you're fired.
Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho.
- I will not wear the hat.
- Why? - I was a coffee planter, not a white hunter.
- Rifle.
- Oh, that is superb.
- And I am most certainly not holding a rifle.
- Come on, mate, you must have shot things.
- I grew coffee! With the greatest respect, Li, coffee does not sell books.
- But rifles and silly hats do? - At least the hat's authentic.
- It says, "Made in Taiwan".
- It's bound to be authentic then.
Look, what does the cover have to say? - "Pick me up and buy me.
" - Right.
A hint of danger says that.
A hint of adventure says that.
A hint of sex says that.
- What hint of sex? - Is it all right? Of course! Come on in and join the A team.
- Jean, Oz, Oz, Jean.
- Hello.
Lee, Jean, Jean, Lee.
Lee Jeans.
(Laughs) - Right.
- Right.
Now, come over and talk some sense into my main man.
- I thought you couldn't come.
- Well, I discovered I could.
- I can always go again.
- No way, no way.
Persuade, hm? Excuse me.
Now, where on earth has Patty got to? I don't like denying other people pleasure.
You can shriek with laughter.
- Why should I? - Well Look at me.
Look at this.
- You look rather good, actually.
- Oh, do I? - Rather rugged.
- Rugged? - Yes.
- I didn't plant coffee looking like this.
- Call it artistic licence.
"Pick me up" - "And buy me.
" Yes.
- All right.
Let's get it over with, Alistair.
- Great.
Oh, come along, Patty love, do! I chipped a nail, all right? - Hi.
- Hi.
Li, Patty, Patty, Li.
- Hi.
- Yes, hi.
Alistair, may I have a word? - All right, who is she? - Insurance, mate.
- Who's she? - Insurance.
She's not selling policies, is she? No, no.
"Pick me up and buy me.
" Danger, adventure, sex.
She's the sex.
She looks like all three if you ask me.
- Who is she supposed to be? - I'd have thought that was obvious.
- Your woman.
- My woman? I never saw a woman looking like that in Kenya in the whole of my life.
Pretendo time, remember? - Well, it wasn't my idea.
- "Go along with it," you said.
Well, go along with it.
- Yes, all right.
- Great.
Then I shall have myself committed immediately afterwards.
- Patty? - Hold on a sec.
Rifle in the crook of the arm, I think.
Hat a bit further forward.
- Could he look a bit more determined? - Can you look a bit more determined, Li? I shall think of killing you.
That should do it.
(Laughs) Whatever.
Good for you, Oz? - Good for me.
- Right.
OK, in you come, Patty.
You know what to do.
What's she doing? What is she doing? You're laughing.
You're laughing! Oh, and Beth phoned in.
She's got the flu.
Oh, terrific.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How did it go? Well, it depends on one's point of view.
- How did George Stillman go? - Erm quite quickly, I'm afraid.
- No? - Yes.
He seemed quite offended that you weren't here.
He didn't actually say it, but I think it was the dealing-with-bits-of-girls syndrome.
So are we on the streets or what? Well, let's just say hanging by a thread.
Thanks for waiting.
The mood you were in, there was no point in waiting.
- I've never felt such a fool in all my life.
- That's because you were determined to.
Retreat, I think.
- I never should have listened to you.
- I didn't dream up your woman.
The whole thing.
You "bumped into" Alistair.
I should never have believed that.
- Then you turned up.
- You asked me to! - Not to laugh at me.
- Oh, don't be so precious.
We're too old not to think it laughable and ridiculous.
But selling this book or not is in the hands of the young.
- Children.
- Successful children.
I thought you might like some tea.
Yes, I have been listening at the door.
And you are an ungrateful old bugger.
She won't tell you.
She's as stiff-necked as you are.
But I will.
Mum just lost several thousand pounds' worth of business to come and prop up your ego.
- Why would you do that? - Well, because I care.
There is room in your life for someone who cares, is there? - You did laugh.
- Oh, shut up and have some tea.
- No chance of that being brandy, I suppose.
- (Laughs) None whatsoever.
# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #