As Time Goes By (1992) s02e05 Episode Script

205 - Misunderstandings

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # Good Lord, Josef Locke's on CD.
- We saw him at the Hackney Empire.
- So we did.
What did he sing? Oh, something military, I expect.
He generally sang something military.
Nothing of Johnnie Ray's here.
- I didn't know you liked Johnnie Ray.
- I can't stand him.
- Why are you looking for him, then? - There was one song he used to sing.
Walking My Baby Back Home.
- Doesn't sound like your cup of tea.
- No, it wasn't.
Atmospheric, though.
When I was called up for National Service, everybody in the camp was singing it.
Yes.
# Gee, but it's great when you're walking out late, walking my baby # - Shh.
- I'm not going to sing the whole song.
- Dreadful lyrics.
- Why did you all sing it, then? I don't know.
Seemed romantic in its day.
You know, walking one's baby back home.
Yes, I remember.
How did it go? Er # We started to pet and that's when I get her powder all over my vest # It's quite evocative, really.
We did wear powder.
The vest bit worried me until I found out that it was American for waistcoat.
I kept wondering what he was doing walking his baby back home in his vest.
You never walked me back home.
You walked me back to the nurses' home.
I was the envy of the battalion, you know, going out with a nurse.
- Really? - Yes.
Something to do with the fact that nurses knew all about anatomy gave them an erotic mystery.
Did you believe that? - I suppose I must have done.
- Was that why you picked me up in the park? - You weren't in uniform.
- Oh, no, so I wasn't.
And I didn't pick you up, I asked you the way to Curzon Street.
Four times you took me out before you kissed me.
We clashed noses and you banged your head against the wall of the nurses' home.
- Pretty smooth, wasn't I? - Shows what an innocent I was.
- I actually thought you were.
- Funny, isn't it? When you look back on those days, you think that What are you doing? - Don't look at me! - What are you doing? - There's someone I don't want to see.
- Who? (Whispers) She's in blue! - I can't see anybody in blue.
- Don't look at me! Well, I can't.
I'd swear she was there.
- She's behind us.
- Will she recognise you from the rear? She's facing the other way.
Sidle out quietly.
- Sidle? - Yes, but sideways! When we get near the door, run for it.
What do we do then? Split up and make contact in Prague? - Please! - Oh, all right.
Now, now! - Stop! - What? - You're shoplifting.
- JEAN! - Oh, Penny! - How lovely to see you! Lovely to see you! It was so nice to see you again.
Fancy bumping into each other like that.
- Fancy.
- And lovely to meet you, Leslie.
- Lionel.
- Oh.
Awful at names.
I'm only up in town for one day, bit of shopping, that sort of thing.
I did try and let you know that I was coming up but you must've been out.
What a pretty little garden.
Isn't it pretty? Do you have a garden, Leslie? I live in a flat.
I mow the window box from time to time.
Oh, you poor man.
I always think that life without a garden is What about you two? How long have you known each other? Ah, well Er, just a few months.
- I've got some strawberries in the fridge.
- Oh, scrummy! - Will you give me a hand, Lionel? - Yes.
- If you want me to.
- Oh, no, no, no, don't steal him! I'll give him back.
Shan't be a moment.
- What do you mean, a few months? - She doesn't know about us.
- I don't want her to.
- Why? Lionel, she's my sister-in-law.
I was married to her brother.
- You don't think I told him about us.
- I don't know.
Stands to reason.
Did you tell your wife about me? - I shouldn't think so.
- There you are.
I'm sure she never asked.
She was the least curious person I've ever met.
So don't let anything slip.
I'll do my best but I'm not very good at deception.
I don't know.
You deceived me into thinking you wanted to know the way to Curzon Street.
Why all that nonsense in the record shop? She seems quite nice.
- She goes on a bit, but she seems quite nice.
- She is.
Since David died, she's made it her mission in life to feel sorry for me.
- Poor Jean this, poor Jean that.
- I don't think of you as poor Jean.
Nor do I.
She does.
And I can't budge her.
Sometimes it's "poor brave Jean".
- That's worse.
- I know.
Ah-ah-ah! Would you get some dishes, please? This "only having known each other a few months" fiction, where did we meet? - How should I know? - It might be better if we told the same story.
- Those are soup plates.
- Well, they're dishes.
Look, just make it up as you go along, all right? If in doubt, change the subject.
The cream's in the fridge.
There, there! - One more thing.
- Napkins? - No.
- We should have napkins.
Cream dribbles.
As you're talking about napkins, if she asks us down for the weekend, we can't go.
Suits me fine.
I hate staying in people's houses.
If you get up in the night to go to the loo, you never know which door to open.
- Why are you so sure she'll ask us? - She always does.
- Sugar.
- Ohh! - So just say no, hm? - Mm-hm.
An hour of being called "poor Jean" is bearable.
After several hours, I feel I really am "poor Jean".
Come on.
- What about napkins? - Oh, they're in the Oh, never mind.
Here.
Come on.
You'll have to divide those in the autumn, Jean, otherwise they'll take over.
- Where did you two meet, by the way? - (Clatters tray) - On the dodgems at a fairground.
- How bizarre! Yes, that's what I thought.
Ooh, scrumptious.
- Where's Judith, by the way? - Out somewhere.
- Oh, good.
How is she? - Very well.
Oh, I am glad.
Poor Judith.
- I smashed into the back of her.
- Who? Jean.
On the dodgems.
Oh, now, look, mint.
There's another thing that takes over.
I've had a terrific idea.
Why don't you two come down to the cottage for the weekend? It's been such a long time.
- Stephen and I would love to have you.
- Ah, well - Please don't say no this time.
- We'd like to, but - Thank you.
We'd love to.
- I am glad.
I always stack from the back.
- Do you? - Well, it makes sense, doesn't it? You don't have to re-arrange everything when you put the last few things in.
- Have you done a thesis on it? - Just common sense.
It's my dishwasher, I'll stack it how I like.
- Suit yourself.
- I will.
I only say why.
You didn't, you said, "Why-y-y-y?" I don't think I said it like that at all, but if I did, it was excusable.
"Just say no," you said.
"Come down for the weekend," she said.
"We'd love to.
" I know, I know.
- I was about to make a plausible excuse.
- What were you going to say? - I hadn't got around to that.
- You don't know whether it'd be plausible.
- Don't start on me.
- I'm not starting on you.
- Yes, you are.
It's a little trick you have.
You feel guilty about something so you turn your fire on somebody else.
- You make me sound like a battleship.
- An irrational battleship.
I know.
(Sighs) I feel such a fool.
- Why did you say yes? - Well she's David's sister.
Apart from Judith, she's all the family I've got and, after David died, she was very kind to me.
She's never anything but well intentioned.
Look, if you want my opinion Which I do, actually.
You did the right thing.
Putting yourself out for other people because they mean well isn't a bad thing to do.
- Well, you don't.
- I'm not saying I do.
And you've never complained about me volunteering you.
You didn't give me time to.
- It may not be so bad.
- I should hope not.
- It might be quite nice.
- Yes.
- You don't want to go, do you? - Not really.
Well, I'll phone and I'll say you've been called away on a polar expedition.
- Won't that be a little transparent? - Totally, but still - It's not as though you need me there.
- No.
- Except I do.
- Oh, do you? Well, you see, with a chap in tow, I'm less of the "poor Jean".
What, you want me there as a token chap? A sort of trophy.
If I wanted a trophy, I'd take somebody 20 years younger.
- (Chuckles) Who? - Well, I Hm? Hm? Well somebody! You haven't got anybody 20 years younger so you'll just have to make do with me.
Thanks.
I hope we can sustain this fiction that we only met a few months ago.
- I'm not very good at deception.
- Oh, I don't know.
I thought you did very well about smashing into the back of me on the dodgems! (Birdsong) I'm so glad for Jean, I really am.
She's been so brave since David died.
But inside, she's been crying all the time, I know she has.
She struck me as being a very together person.
- Well, what's together? - Well I'll tell you what together is in poor Jean's case.
Putting on a front, trying to keep cheerful.
Must be such a strain for her.
She'll never find another David, that's for sure.
- What do you think of Lionel? - Lionel? - I like him, in an odd sort of way.
- Well I mean, I don't mean he's odd.
Well, I mean, only slightly.
I mean, fancy meeting on the dodgems.
What was Jean doing on the dodgems? I don't see her as a dodgem sort of person.
Nor Lionel, for that matter.
- Where did we first meet? I've forgotten.
- At the annual dinner-dance - What does Lionel do? Have you asked him? - No.
- Why not? - Well, I Oh, I expect it'll come up in some way.
We mustn't be too inquisitive.
She's got someone in her life at last, even though he is a bit odd so no probing of any sort, just let the conversation take its course.
Yes, I usually do that.
Lunch is nearly ready.
Just glasses.
What on earth are you doing? Blazing a trail.
If I get up in the night, I just feel for the plaster.
You can't go sticking Elastoplast on people's houses.
It's only a little bit, I'm not papering the walls with it.
Supposing someone sees it? Would you accuse a guest of sticking Elastoplast to a doorframe? - Well, no! - No, well, just leave it there, then.
It's that or me taking the chance of blundering into the wrong room in my pyjamas.
Look, before we go down, I don't want to talk about the book.
- (Penny) Are you two all right? - Oh, yes, yes, just coming.
Why? Well, it's the same boring old road, isn't it? I say it's called My Life In Kenya.
People say, "Oh, how interesting.
Do tell us about Kenya" so I do and bore them to death.
Oh, all right, come on, let's go down.
I can see that Elastoplast from here.
Only because you know it's there.
Come on.
Poor Jean.
All those awful years alone with little Judith just a child.
I don't use the word "struggle" lightly, but a struggle it must have been.
Yes, it wasn't much fun in the workhouse.
- I'm only telling the truth, Jean.
- Lionel knows all this.
- Oh, do you, Lionel? - Well, we talk a lot, Jean and I.
We go way back, after all.
You said you'd only known each other a few months.
- Yes, we have.
- Yes, it it seems like way back now.
- You know, after all those months.
- I see.
- Dodgems, you say? - Yes.
I can't imagine what you were doing on the dodgems in the first place.
Oh, well driving around.
What a desperate thing to do.
I was not desperate.
No, I mean going to a fair alone at your age.
- You just had to be with people, didn't you? - No! - She was with a whole crowd of people.
- A huge crowd, a dozen or more.
- You said you'd lost touch with the old crowd.
- This was a new crowd, all right? - I'm only interested, Jean.
- Sorry, I didn't mean to snap.
- You had so much going for you.
- Would anybody like some more coffee? A kind husband.
He was a lovely man, Lionel.
Beautiful daughter, so much to look forward to and then Lionel's a psychiatrist.
Really? How fascinating.
- Absolutely fascinating.
- Oh, it's just a job, really.
No, I mean being able to see into the human psyche.
- It's where the word psychiatrist comes from.
- Yes, I know.
Strangely enough, I'm in medicine, too.
Stephen, you're only a dentist.
Listen, I respect professional confidentiality completely, course I do, but have you been any real help to Jean professionally? I've often hoped it might help, but no.
Funny place for a psychiatrist to go, to a fair.
- Lionel's a great observer of human nature.
- Nonstop.
Fascinating.
Would you like a nap? Not particularly, no.
- Jean, do you nap in the afternoon? - No, I work in the afternoon.
Lionel and I thought we might take a turn about the garden, didn't we? - Yes, we did.
- Oh, yes, you go on.
We'll wash up.
Oh.
I stack the dishwasher from the back.
Do you think that's significant? No, no, no.
It just means that you're a very rational sort of person.
(Penny) Oh, good.
- Psychiatrist? - First thing I thought of.
- Why think of anything? - You didn't want to talk about the book.
Nobody asked me what I did.
You announced out of the blue "Lionel's a psychiatrist".
I wanted to change the subject.
Couldn't you have just thrown a chair through the window? - She goes on and on.
- I know she does, but does it really matter? Yes, it does.
It does.
It reminds me what bloody awful years they were after David died.
I did love him.
- You said that.
- Yes, I know.
Not in the same way that I loved you when we were young, but I did love him.
We'll just steer the subject onto something else.
Only knowing each other a few months and psychiatry? - Both your inventions.
- Sorry.
Well, at least I don't have to prove it.
If you'd said I was a fire-eater, she'd have produced matches and asked for a demo.
- As if I'd have said you were a fire-eater.
- As if you'd have said I was a psychiatrist.
Look, we'd better go back.
And no more lies.
Good idea.
We'll just stick with the two we've got.
- What a beautiful evening.
- Yes, I'm glad I came home.
Home? I don't know why I said that.
I meant um it's nice to be AT home in England.
You'll forgive me for saying so but you and Jean seem to be somewhat ill at ease.
- Do we? - I think I know why.
You've known each other for a good deal longer than just a few months.
We knew each other a long time ago.
Before she met David.
How did you know? Well, to be honest, that dodgem thing never really passed muster.
I was afraid of that.
In any case, one doesn't need to be a Sherlock Holmes to notice things, the odd little look.
- Does Penny know? - Good heavens, no, bless her heart.
She only talks.
She never looks, never listens.
Jean never told her husband about me, you see.
It was more than just a passing friendship? Quite a lot more.
- I shan't say anything, of course.
- Thanks.
If the subject should come up, we'll steer it onto something else.
- Like my being a psychiatrist.
- Good idea.
Fascinating subject, psychiatry.
Yes, it must be.
To the layman, I mean.
How long have you been a psychiatrist? Several years, I suppose.
Oh, yes, several years.
But, you know, sometimes it only seems like a couple of hours.
I wish Lionel would tell us more about his work.
- I don't suppose Stephen talks shop much.
- Well, I don't encourage him to.
Who wants to talk about teeth? I like Lionel.
- So do I.
- Poor Jean.
- Why "poor Jean" again? - Well, I mean, meeting him so late in life.
I was fond of David, but he'd have been absolutely delighted - if you'd met someone well - After a decent interval? - Yes.
- Yes, I know he would, but well - Now I have met Lionel.
- But so late.
That's the second time you've said that.
We're not exactly in our dotage.
No, of course you're not and companionship can be a wonderful thing in its own way.
Poor Jean.
Penny, I think you ought to know that my relationship with Lionel goes a long way beyond companionship.
Good gracious, does it? - Of course.
- You mean? - Yes, of course.
- But you didn't say.
It's not the kind of thing you throw into the conversation, is it? - I think it's wonderful! - Good.
- But you didn't say.
- No, we've done that one.
No, but I've automatically put you in separate rooms.
Oh, oh, oh, no, well, that's fine, that's all right.
No, no, no, it isn't fine.
You should've said.
No, I'll change things round upstairs.
It won't take a jiff.
(Lionel) I think it was 1954.
(Penny) I think you're right.
I know the track was Iffley Road, Oxford.
Funny name for a road.
Yes.
How did we get on to Roger Bannister, anyway? I'm not sure.
Sorry about that.
It must be the country air.
Good Lord, is that the time? - I'm ready for bed.
- So am I.
I'm not.
I'm not tired at all.
- Shall I make some more coffee? - No, no, there's no need for that.
I know, let's play Trivial Pursuits.
It's one o'clock.
Oh, is it? Everybody tired? Oh, all right, then.
I'm off, then.
Good night, everybody, good night.
Lionel, you're a psychiatrist.
Is she under some sort of strain? (Lionel) Good night.
(Penny and Stephen) Good night, Lionel.
- Psst, Lionel.
- What? - Shh, shh! - (Whispers) What? We're in here.
- What do you mean "we're in here"? - We're in here.
- Why? - Penny changed things round.
- Oh, did she? - We are guests.
I know we're guests, but that's no reason - Why did she change things round? - I don't know! - I'd better have a word.
- No! - It was me.
- I see.
Don't smile.
It wasn't intentional.
- I didn't intend things to turn out like this.
- But it was your fault? - Yes.
- What did you say to Penny? - I told her we slept together.
- Well, we did, but that was 38 years ago.
Now! You know what I mean.
You're worrying me.
Are you starting to lie for the sake of it? - No, of course not.
- Then why the latest? - "Poor Jean.
" - Oh, not again.
Yes.
"Companionship can be a wonderful thing," she said.
Bloody cheek! You're like a moth to her flame.
- She insulted you.
- What did she say about me? You were part of the "companionship can be a wonderful thing".
- The difference is I don't rise to the bait.
- You weren't there to rise to the bait.
If I had been, I'd have shrugged it off.
- Well, I didn't.
- No.
So here we are.
- Yes.
- In a non-companionable sense.
- Supposedly.
- Supposedly.
Yes.
Right.
Well, they're washing up.
When they come up, I'll sneak back to my original room.
- You can't.
You don't know who'll be in there.
- They're not taking in paying guests, are they? They've given us their room.
One of them might be in there or both of them.
Well, I don't know! - Right.
Well I'm not sleeping on the floor.
- No one asked you on the floor.
- Good.
- I'll sleep in the chair.
- No, you won't.
- Oh, all right.
- What are you doing? - You'll need a blanket.
I'm not sleeping in the chair either.
You got us into this mess, thanks to another lie.
First, we only met a few months ago, then I'm a psychiatrist and now this.
- What are we going to do? - Against the grain of today's behaviour, we're going to act like grown-ups.
It is a bed made for two people.
True.
It's a cupboard.
Why are you suddenly so interested in cupboards? I need to change into my pyjamas.
Oh, I see.
Oh, well, I'll hide my eyes.
I'll change in the bathroom.
I realise now why you tore up here like a sprinter.
- Where are my pyjamas? - Well, I Oh, look, under your pillow neatly folded.
Just like a hotel.
I wish it were.
I'd feel quite differently about this if it were.
(Both) Oh! Sorry.
- Everything all right? - Yes, fine.
Oh, these.
I was cleaning my teeth and thought I might as well change into my pyjamas at the same time.
Oh, I see.
What's that? - What's what? - That.
It's a piece of Elastoplast.
Good God, so it is.
Good night.
- Stephen found the Elastoplast.
- Oh, of course.
I think I know which rooms not to go into now, anyway.
Good.
Well One small step for man.
Hear My Song, Violetta.
Pardon? Josef Locke sang at the Hackney Empire.
It wasn't military at all.
He probably sang something military before it.
Probably.
We're on the wrong side.
- What? - I slept on that side, you slept on this side.
Does it matter now? No, probably not.
- There.
That's better, isn't it? - Yes, it is, actually.
- If I move suddenly in the night - Yes? - It'll be cramp.
- Oh.
I sometimes get cramp in bed.
Well, I'll try and remember.
It's funny, this, isn't it? Under the circumstances, I suppose it's the only word to choose.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, don't be sorry.
- It's rather nice.
- Yes, it is, actually.
Companionship? - It's not a nasty word.
- No.
Not nasty.
- A bit patronising.
- Yes, that's what I said.
Yeah, I know, you were defending your honour.
Are you sure you've got the right word? Yes, in an inverted sort of way.
Do we look smug in the morning? Well, not particularly.
I mean, we have slept together before.
Yeah, except that Penny doesn't know it was 38 years ago.
Seems like yesterday.
No, it doesn't.
No, it doesn't.
Lights out? (Sighs) Lights out.
Old habits.
Old habits.
Hello, again.
Hello, again.
# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #