As Time Goes By (1992) s04e04 Episode Script

404 - The Affair

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # - There's no need for you to hang about.
- I'm not hanging about.
I'm just putting some papers in order.
I'd have thought you'd do that at the office.
I can put my papers in order where I like.
I know what all this is about.
It's because Daisy starts this morning, isn't it? - Don't be absurd.
- Yes, it is.
- You want to see what she's wearing.
- I've noticed you're wearing a new shirt.
Men do wear new shirts, or there'd be no such thing as old shirts.
- What a feeble excuse.
- It's not an excuse.
- I'm breaking it in.
- You do that with horses, not shirts.
You are going to work, are you? Or do you just intend to hang about to see what Daisy and I get up to? - Lionel, don't be childish, please.
- I'm not the one who's hanging about.
I'm not hanging about.
In fact, I'm almost ready to go.
That'll be Daisy.
Yes, I am ready to go.
- Just remember you gave her to me.
- Yes.
And I took your word that she's a very efficient secretary.
The fact that she's stunning has nothing to do with anything.
- Absolutely.
- Right, then.
I just look on that as a bonus.
- Daisy, good morning.
- Hello.
- It's nice to be back.
- Good.
Come in.
- Lionel.
- Daisy, you're a sight for sore eyes.
- Thank you.
I like the shirt.
- Yes, it's new.
I'm breaking it in.
Well, I'll er I'll leave you to it, then.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- I'll see you tonight.
- Right.
Yes, right.
- I thought you might like a coffee.
- I could have done that.
Yes, I know you could.
But I did.
I'm glad to be back on this.
I was typing up accounts all last week.
- Boring? - Terminally.
- I see you've finished the first episode.
- I thought I had but Los Angeles wants some of it rewritten and being Los Angeles, they're in a hurry.
Let's get to it.
Which part is it? Erm it's the scene which follows the top sheet there.
Oh, I see.
Hotel bedroom.
" - It's a bedroom scene.
- Yes.
Well, a love scene, really.
They thought the original was a bit erm well, sparse.
So this time it needs to be more, erm more Steamy? Steamy, yes.
- So, if you're ready.
- I'm ready.
Here we go, then.
- Good morning.
- Shh! - What? - I thought you'd like to compose yourself.
- Why? - Your sister-in-law's here.
- Oh, no! - It gets worse.
- Not Stephen as well.
- She's brought luggage with her.
- Perhaps if I tiptoed out.
- She does know where you live.
Oh, well.
- Morning, Sandy.
- What? - Morning, Sandy.
- Morning, boss.
- Your sister-in-law's here.
- Oh, Penny? Oh, what a lovely surprise.
- Aunt Penny, you have to - Hello, Jean! Penny! Mwah! Mwah! Aunt Penny, I am not a poor soul.
I'm just not with anyone at the moment.
Darling, you're too old not to be with anybody.
- Still keeping everyone cheerful? - I was only trying to help.
Oh, Jean, I bought you some flowers but I left them on the train.
- You look surprisingly well.
- Yes, I feel surprisingly well.
- And that Lionel of yours? - That Lionel of mine is surprisingly well too.
You brought some luggage.
Where are you staying? Oh.
Well, with you, if you could bear it.
- Oh.
- You see, I need to be with family.
And you're the nearest thing I've got.
There is Anona, of course, but she's very peculiar these days.
Well, the things is, Penny, that we've got Sandy staying with us so we're a bit full up.
Oh, you don't have to worry about me.
I can squeeze in anywhere.
I'm sure you can but why do you have to be with family? Ah.
Pas devant, dear.
Aunt Pen, I am not a servant.
And as you just pointed out, I'm certainly not a child.
Very well, then.
I've left Stephen.
Left Stephen? Why? Because he's been carrying on behind my back with his dental nurse.
Miss Wind? Breeze.
- Miss Samantha so-called Breeze.
- Well, I don't believe it.
- Uncle Stephen isn't like that.
- They're all like that.
- Shall we have a coffee? - We just had one.
Oh, yes.
I'm not doing anything to put you off, am I? No, you're just sitting there quietly, that's all you're doing.
Look, Mr Hardcastle, would you feel more comfortable with an older woman? Quite honestly I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone.
It was all very personal, you see.
- Try not to think of it like that.
- It's difficult not to.
I was there.
- Now who's that? - I could carry one of those cases.
I thought this was going to be such a nice day.
- Hello, Lionel.
- Penny.
I always think stomachs bear watching, don't you? - Are you well? - I was.
I mean I was working.
Don't let me stop you.
I can be as quiet as a mouse.
Penny's come to stay for a few days.
Oh, just till I've got things sorted out.
Now who's this pretty young thing? - Daisy.
I'm Mr Hardcastle's secretary.
- Are you indeed? - Yes, I am indeed.
- Yes, and a very good one.
- Excellent.
As a matter of fact - That's nice.
Now where's my little corner? I would like to unpack.
- There aren't any little corners.
- Upstairs, Penny.
You can have the spare room.
I won't get in anyone's way.
I promise.
Why? I mean, why? It was either us or Anona and apparently she's very peculiar.
- Why does she need to stay with anybody? - Because she May I be a bore and ask for some help with my cases? Yes, of course.
Lionel, do you mind? No, I've nothing else to do.
- Because what? - I'll tell you later.
- "May I be a bore?" - Shh! - Daisy, would you like a coffee? - Er, no, thank you.
- I've had a lot of coffee this morning.
- I think I will.
It'll all settle down in a minute.
- Because what? - Would you like a cup of coffee? - No, I don't want coffee.
Because what? - Shh! - She's left Stephen.
- Where? Left! - Good Lord! - Yes! He's having an affair with his dental nurse.
- Stephen?! - Yes.
It's a bit like Sooty drinking large vodkas but yes.
What's she doing here? She should be talking to him.
- I haven't got the whole story.
- We're gonna have to hear it? If you want to know what's going on.
- Oh! - I suppose that will be Stephen.
Where's he gonna sleep? With us? I'm gonna put them both out into the garden.
They can fight it out out there.
- Where are you going? - I'm trying to work, remember? Now, Ste Oh, hello, Alistair.
Come on.
- You're talking to me! - Would you prefer me to mime? I meant since me and Judy, you know Mothers do tend to take sides.
Not this one.
You sort it out yourselves.
Lionel's in the living room.
- Working? - Fuming.
We could always work in the garden.
Assuming nobody followed us out.
- Hi, Li.
- Oh.
Hello, Alistair.
Have you come to move in as well? I'm sure there's a cupboard free.
- Probs? - Nothing Solomon couldn't handle.
- Oh, sorry.
Daisy, this is Alistair Deacon.
- Hello.
Well, hello.
So you're Daisy.
What are you doing for the rest of my life? - He says things like that.
- How quaint.
Quaint? The old man with a scythe, Alistair.
Have you come to add to the confusion or for a special reason? V special.
I've got Sol from LA on my back so I'm gonna have to get on yours.
We'll all topple over.
Li, I think you know where I'm coming from.
We need those rewrites.
I was trying to do them before the day exploded in my face.
- I'll tell Sol we'll fax them in the morning.
- That may not be realistic.
It has to be.
We have a shooting date.
Who gets shot, you or me? - Li.
- I'll do my best, all right? As in super best.
Let's not rush to the rest of my life.
What about this evening? You'll be a few hours older.
- Right.
- So, can we get on? Right.
- Now I don't know you, do I? - Alistair Deacon.
No, I still don't know you.
- Are you off, Alistair? - Yes, I just came to pump up old Li.
Looks the same size to me.
Oh! Everybody's doing jokes today.
- I'm not doing jokes.
- No, Lionel.
- Penny wants to talk.
- Does she? It's not a pretty story.
Excuse me but I should be somewhere else.
Yes, could you give us a couple of hours? - A couple of hours? - A long lunch, perhaps.
- Suits me.
I'll see you later, Mr Hardcastle.
- I do hope so.
Now Penny.
Now what is all this nonsense about Stephen? It's not nonsense, it's depraved behaviour.
Stephen is the least depraved person I know.
Never judge a book by its title.
- Shouldn't that be cover? - Should it? Are you sure? Look, it doesn't matter.
What on earth makes you think he's having an affair? I've known he was up to something for weeks now.
Long absences, furtive telephone conversations.
How furtive? Banging the receiver down as soon as I come into the room.
Is that furtive enough? Yes, that is fairly furtive.
Then last evening a friend of mine phoned to say that she'd seen Stephen and this Miss so-called Breeze in a local hotel.
- Perhaps they were just having a drink.
- Yes, after all they work together.
I mean, if I discovered Lionel having a drink with Daisy in a hotel Poor Jean.
You can't finish that sentence, can you? I can! I can! Anyway, they were not having a drink.
They were at the reception desk booking a room.
- Oh.
- No, it's not "Oh" at all.
The fact remains that all this evidence is purely circumstantial.
Well, how do you account for the fact that Stephen admits it? Oh.
- What are you going to do? - I have no intention of divorcing the swine.
No, I'm going to stay here and wait till he comes crawling back on his knees begging for my forgiveness.
- He does know you're here, then? - No.
Let him work it out for his silly self.
- He's just coming.
- OK.
- Hurry up! - I'm coming, I'm coming.
I still think this is one of your batty ideas.
It's not batty.
The only way to get Penny out of here is to drag Stephen back here and force an abject apology from him.
What if he doesn't feel abject? Well, he's a dentist.
Threaten him with one of his own drills.
- Why don't you come? - You know Stephen.
He's old-fashioned.
- He's a halfwit.
- Well, he's an old-fashioned halfwit, then.
He'll think this is the sort of thing that a chap ought to talk to another chap about.
I'm supposed to be doing a love scene with Daisy.
Writing a love scene with Daisy.
You can be there and back in two hours.
I'm sure Daisy won't mind working late.
Go on.
I bet Steve Spielberg doesn't carry on like this.
How are you feeling, Penny? Numbish.
I think it's beginning to sink in.
- Stephen of all people.
- That's what's beginning to sink in.
Has he ever, erm shown tendencies like this before? He did go a bit gaga about a girl in the chorus in Oklahoma! once.
But as she was on the stage and we were in the rear stalls that's as far as it went.
Well, I have to ask Oh, no, I don't.
Yes, I do.
What's Miss Breeze like? If I was to tell you that she didn't wear a slip under her white tunic I think you'd reach your own conclusions.
- They get to an age, don't they, men? - We all get to an age, Penny.
Yes, but we don't have yearnings for young men, do we? No.
No, anyway, I've got Lionel.
- I do admire your courage.
- Oh, I wish you'd put that a different way.
No, I see, I didn't mean that.
I admire your courage for allowing him to stay here alone with that very pretty secretary.
Oh, it had never occurred to me to worry about it.
- How trusting.
- No, Penny, I know Lionel.
I thought I knew Stephen.
Hope you enjoy this, Lionel.
I rather pride myself on my Pimms.
I'm sure I shall.
- Cheers.
- Cheer-ho.
I must say it's been an awfully good year for apples.
Stephen, you are aware that your wife has left you.
Oh, yes.
She left a note.
Very scathing.
Look, aplomb is all very well in its own way, but don't you care? Oh, it'll be all right.
- Odd, isn't it? - Extremely.
The Miss Breeze thing, I mean.
Here I am chatting to the chap who made me feel right about it.
- I did no such thing.
- You did.
In your professional capacity.
We're not back to that again.
Stephen, for the last time, I am not a psychiatrist.
Is this a leg-pull? Stephen, I am not, nor ever have been, a psychiatrist.
Well, I'm blown.
And I totally deny making you feel right about the Miss Breeze thing.
But you did.
I confessed to having the odd fantasy about her and you said there was no harm in it.
As a fantasy, no, but I didn't suggest you put it into practice.
But I haven't.
I think I'll sit down.
Of course old Penny thinks I have.
- That's because you told her.
- Seemed the easiest way out.
Nobody but you could say a thing like that.
The easiest way out of what? The surprise party I'm giving old Pen for our anniversary.
She got onto all the phone calls.
Of course Miss Breeze has been my right-hand man in all this.
Being old Pen, she put two and two together and made five.
And the room booked at the hotel was for you and Penny after the party.
You got it.
Have you ever tried to arrange a surprise party, Lionel? No.
And I don't think I ever shall.
May I use your phone? Of course.
Help yourself.
- Lionel.
- Yes? You are telling the truth about not being a psychiatrist, aren't you? Yes, I really am, Stephen.
I've never heard anything like it.
- It defies belief.
- I know but it is Stephen we're talking about.
Are you leaving now? Yes, we are.
Let's get this mess cleared up.
So just keep Penny in the house.
- That's easy.
She's lying down with a head.
- I better go before Stephen wanders off.
Oh, you're up.
Yes, I'm feeling a little better.
I might even go for a walk.
Oh, no, you don't want to do that.
It's pouring with rain.
Have a bath.
- But I was going for a walk.
- No, no.
You don't want to get soaking wet.
Have a bath.
Why are you so keen on my having a bath? I just thought it would be a good idea.
- But I'm perfectly clean.
- Yes, of course you are.
You've had a stressful day.
A nice long soak would be so relaxing.
Much better than a walk.
- You may be right.
- Good.
I'll go and run it for you.
But I do prefer my bath in the evening.
- That's out of the question.
- Pardon? Not out of the question but difficult.
Dozens of people want their bath in the evening.
Well, not dozens but lots.
Judy and Sandy like a bath in the evening and Lionel and I like a bath in the evening.
How do you manage? Draw lots? No, it's just a scramble and if you're not good at scrambling you end up with lukewarm water.
- I think I will have it now.
- Oh.
Oh, where's Lionel, by the way? I haven't driven him anywhere, have I? No, he went for a nice long walk.
Well, writers do.
- He didn't take that Daisy with him, did he? - No, I can assure you he didn't take Daisy.
Well, I'll just have that tub then.
- She is a pretty girl.
- Yes, she is.
Now Jean, don't look so worried.
I'm sure she wears a slip.
Ooh! Hello, Jean.
Sorry about all this.
- Well, that makes two of us.
- Three.
- I don't think I'll do a surprise party again.
- No, don't.
- Where's old Pen, then? - I persuaded her to have a long bath.
- Why would you do that? - To keep her in the house.
- I see.
- Haven't locked her in, have you? No, that was my contingency plan.
This has all got rather a funny side to it, hasn't it? Sorry.
Now Stephen, just what did you intend to do? Leave Penny here thinking you were making whoopee? Yes, actually.
Seemed the only way of keeping the party a surprise.
Well, you can forget that.
You can take her home with you now.
This place is bursting at the seams.
And Lionel has work to do.
Oh, somebody remembered.
- Is that Stephen's voice? - Hello, Penny.
- I'm going to lock myself in my room.
- Oh, no, she is not.
- Penny, just come down here.
- I won't just come down.
- Leave go of that banisters.
- No, I won't.
- Do you think we ought to - Definitely not.
You are going to talk to Stephen.
- I don't talk to monsters.
- I'm not a monster.
- He's a Stephen.
- There you are.
Stick together.
Penny, just sit down and listen to what Stephen has to say.
- Oh, that's very grown up.
- I think I'll go and have a cup of tea.
- No, you're not helping.
- I've wasted half my day helping.
Is somebody talking about me? If you keep your hands over your ears, you'll never know.
- I still shan't listen.
- I think you should.
Stephen can explain everything, can't you? - Yes, I can.
You see, Penny - Liar! Oh, let the man speak, do! Do you allow him to speak to you like that? Penny, for once in your life, just sit and listen.
No, of course I don't.
Go on, Stephen, there's a lull.
You see, Penny, the truth is I've been having an affair with Miss Breeze.
- You swine.
- I suppose I am.
- But you told Lionel - The same thing.
I know.
- I'm awfully sorry, Penny.
- Animal.
That's what it was, I suppose.
Sheer animal instinct.
I know it doesn't show but I've got the same wild beast in me as the next man.
- Wild beast? - There's no wild beast And goodness knows, Penny, I'm not blaming you, but the old wild beast has been caged for some time now.
- I've got a stomach.
- Everybody's got a stomach.
Shh! But it was never love, Penny.
And when I read that note saying you'd left me the bottom fell out of my world.
Then why did you take so long to look for me? Ah.
I can only assume that Stephen didn't want you to see him when he was in that state.
- What state? - Well, crying.
Near a breakdown.
- But you weren't there.
- No, Lionel told me.
- I did.
- I've never seen you cry, Stephen.
Nor have I.
But when I realised what I'd done, I did.
I see.
Find it in your heart to forgive me, Penny, please, and come back to me.
- Should I? - Definitely.
I'm too soft-hearted, that's the trouble.
- Angel.
- And don't start calling me silly names or I shall change my mind.
Well, I think I'll go upstairs and pack.
That all went rather well, didn't it? I feel like punching you on the nose.
And unless you tell us what you're playing at we'll both punch you on the nose.
Bit of a tall tale, that's all.
Yes, but which? I mean, have you and Miss Breeze or not? Of course we haven't.
As I admitted to Lionel, I do have the odd thoughts about her.
Not odd in the odd sense, I hasten to add.
Pretty average, really.
But betray old Pen? That would be like spitting in the National Gallery.
- Why admit to it if it never happened? - I didn't want to spoil the surprise party.
- I don't know.
I'd call that skating on thin ice.
- With heated blades.
Pulled it off though, didn't I? Give old Pen a week to forgive me and she'll have the time of her life on our anniversary.
But you will tell her the truth after that, won't you? I don't think I will.
You see now old Pen believes I'm capable of going off the rails, she might put a bit more effort into making sure I don't do it again.
I'll go and help her with her cases.
And this is the idiot who believed I was a psychiatrist? He's only half an idiot.
Cos the other half is very, very cunning.
Mum, you're on Bow Street.
Do you want to buy it? Oh, erm Oh, I'd better have a house.
You can't.
You haven't bought Bow Street yet.
- Oh, no.
- So do you want to buy it or not? I don't know.
How much money have I got? What you started out with plus L600.
You've been round three times and haven't bought anything.
- Oh.
Where am I? - Bow Street.
- Mum, they're only in the kitchen.
- Working.
I know, I know.
I'll be my Get Out Of Jail Free card that Aunt Penny has put her spoke in here.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- What did she say? "I do admire your courage, leaving Lionel all alone with that nice young secretary.
" Well, they're hardly all alone, are they? Look, I shouldn't say this to an employer, let alone an employer who's letting me live in her house, but you're not doing Lionel any justice.
- And you're not doing yourself justice, either.
- I couldn't agree more.
If only the scene was about us going to the fair or choosing knitting patterns or Have my go for me.
I'd better buy something.
- Has Daisy gone? - Yes, I sent her home.
- Why? - Because of something I said.
What? What did you say? - I said, "Er.
" - Her? No "Er," as in hesitation.
Then I said, "Um", then I said, "Right", then I said "Er" again.
- I was just wasting her time.
- She wasn't embarrassed, was she? No, I was embarrassed.
I know it sounds silly, but that scene, us at the hotel.
It's ours.
You'll have to commit it to paper sooner or later.
I know.
But Daisy's not the one to help me with it.
You are.
You were the girl there.
You're the one who can probably remember every stumbling, terrifying moment.
Aw! Do you know, I think I can.
- Except for one part.
- Which part? Whatever happened to that sock? - Perhaps it's still there somewhere.
- Yes, in a frame.
- When do you have to have it written by? - Oh, there's no rush.
One, two, three, four, five, six - Mayfair.
- She would land on Mayfair, wouldn't she? I don't expect she'd want to buy that, do you? No, course she wouldn't.
- Good night.
- Night.
- It's only 8:30.
- Yes, we know.
But we're going to bed to write a love scene.
# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #