As Time Goes By (1992) s07e03 Episode Script

703 - The New Neighbours

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # - You look very academic.
- I'm looking up a word.
- A rude word? - No, not a rude word.
- A word for the crossword.
- What's the clue? Erm "Lose two from lollipop to flop about.
" - Lose two what? - I don't know.
Erm, it could be letters.
I was thinking, if you'd lost the two 'i's from lollipop but that leaves you with lollpop and there's no such word.
There aren't two 'i's in lollipop anyway.
Oh, no.
- Lollop.
- What? Lollop.
That's flopping about.
You know, lollop.
- Are you sure there is such a word? - Yes, of course.
You don't take the two 'i's from lollipop, not that there are two to begin with.
You take an 'i' and a 'p' and you're left with lollop.
- There is such a word.
- Yes, I told you there was.
- Thank you.
What are you doing? - Thought I'd try another.
- No, thank you.
- Oh.
Don't like sharing your crosswords? Not until I admit defeat, no.
That must be pretty often if you think that lollipop's spelt with two 'i's.
- What's 5 down, beginning V-E-R? - Will you Oh.
All right, I'll just lollop about.
No, I won't.
I'll lollop off and answer the front door.
No, the E's wrong.
That should be G.
- Nothing starts V-G-R.
- No, you're not interrupting anything.
- We were just lolloping around.
- Oh, right.
- Hi, Li.
- Hello, Alistair.
What is lolloping, exactly? You know.
Uh, flopping about.
- Not, erm - No, no, just flopping about.
Can we get you a drink? A cup of tea? No, thanks.
Thing is, I've got some news and I wanted you two to be the first to know.
Does it concern you and Judy? - No.
- Oh, what then? Well, the bottom line is I've sold the house next door.
Oh, blimey, the V's wrong as well.
- Did you hear what he said? - He sold the house next door.
You're still looking at the crossword.
- What do you want me to do? - Show some interest.
No, that's not funny.
We've got to live with these people.
They're moving next door, not in with us.
Alistair, tell me.
- They're a Mr and Mrs Duncan.
- Yes? - Well, that's it really.
- That's it? - Yes.
- You haven't met them? - My property guy handled all the biz.
- Did he form any impressions? Yes, they met the asking price and they were cash buyers.
Well, I must say, I'm disappointed in you, Alistair.
- Li? - In case you've forgotten, Alistair did us a favour by buying that house, a house he didn't want, just to stop your soppy sister-in-law from moving in there.
Not that I'm looking for plaudits, but having you disappointed in me, now that hurts.
I'm sorry, Alistair, but you sell the house next door and all you bother to do is find out the buyers' names.
I was selling them a house, not setting them up for This Is Your Life.
- That sounds Scottish, doesn't it? - Yes, it does.
And cash buyers.
That means Scottish with a bob or two.
- They could be Scottish bank robbers.
- Not funny.
Yeah, it's not very likely either, is it? Mum.
Is it? I don't know, it's just that if Penny and Stephen did get the place, at least we'd know what we were getting.
Yeah, bored to death.
The Duncans won't be tossing the caber over the garden wall or playing bagpipes all night, will they? We don't know.
I mean, those are extremes, but we don't know.
- When are they moving in? - We don't know.
We'll have to wait and see what they're like.
- You sounded just like Lionel then.
- Oh, dear.
- This was for three, wasn't it? - Yeah.
I'm going out with Alistair.
- Harry's on duty.
- Probably practising baton twirling.
- Lionel.
- I'd better get changed.
- You going anywhere nice? - Some club.
The only club I ever go to is the rugby club.
Oh, did that sound envious? No, just human.
Never mind, wait till Harry's Chief Constable.
Whose is the madras? Mine.
They do a screaming hot one.
I'm surprised you have any vocal cords left.
Incidentally, did Alistair say anything about children? Children? - The Duncans.
- Oh no, no, he didn't.
By the way, I've rigged it up in the bedroom.
- Rigged what up? - The telescope.
- Do you want to eat in the other room? - We always eat here.
- No, alone, I meant.
- No, I'm fine.
Oh, and it's got an infrared lens, in case they arrive in the middle of the night.
- We could throw his curry over him.
- I'm just trying to change the subject.
You're talking about the subject.
Lighten the mood, then.
We're getting new neighbours but you're treating it like an invasion of the Mongol hordes.
- Nobody mentioned the Mongol hordes.
- "Like," I said.
I think you're being deliberately casual about it.
- Oh, I just hope they move in soon.
- See? You're as curious as us.
No, I'm not.
I was thinking that until they do move in, I'm gonna be the lone voice in the wilderness in this house.
- What do you think you're doing? - Oh! Don't sneak up like that.
I walked, I walked up.
I asked what you were doing.
- I'm cleaning the stonework.
- With a J Cloth? - Well, what would you use? - I don't know, but not a J Cloth.
You're just being nosy, aren't you? - I admit to curious.
- It's just furniture.
You can tell a lot about people by their furniture.
Such as? A lot.
I should offer to clean the removal van.
You'll get a much closer look that way.
Just the furniture and no people? Well, it does seem a little odd but I wouldn't say weird.
No, nor peculiar.
Perhaps they'll come later on in the day.
Lionel says what? Well, tell him he's in a silly mood.
Yes, I'll tell Judy.
See you this evening.
Come in.
- Sandy, there's a Mr - Hi, Sandy.
Deacon to see you.
- Hey, we are here, this is now.
- Call me Alistair.
- Thank you, but, erm, I always call older men mister.
- Older men? Me? - She's only 22.
- Nevertheless, pretty girl.
- Yes, she is.
Not that you don't look drop-dead gorgeous yourself.
You never stop, do you? It's like being a bee in a garden of beautiful flowers.
- So what are you doing this evening? - Taking a long, hot bath.
Tempting, but no, thanks.
I thought we might go out.
- Alistair.
- Hello, Alistair.
- What are you doing here? - Asking me out.
Isn't that funny? I thought that Sandy just said you were asking her out.
I am, with us and Harry.
- Harry? - The guy you're seeing.
Yes, I know who he is but why ask us out? Because h-h-h-h-hot tickets.
And I mean hot.
This show's sold out for the next 10 years.
- So I hear.
- Well, I'd like to, but Understood.
Consult Harry first.
Well, I must be going.
I've got an appointment at the palace.
- Not? - No, Lambeth Palace.
I'm meeting a bishop who's written an anti-bullfighting book called Locking Horns With The Devil.
Not the niftiest of titles, I agree, but with a bishop and a bullfighter on the cover, who knows? Ciao, Sandy.
- Ring Harry then get me on the mobile.
- Right.
Erm, you haven't actually asked me if I want to go yet.
Do you want to go? - What a silly question.
- Great.
Tell Harry I'm looking forward to meeting him.
We shall get on like a house on fire.
- Jean phoned.
- Oh, let me guess what about.
That's right.
The furniture's arrived but the Duncans haven't.
And what does Mum read into that? She's probably compiling a list at this very moment.
- I thought you were in the bath.
- I was.
I was waiting for you in bed.
There's no law that says I've got to go to bed after the bath, is there? Do you want a drink? Look, it's gone midnight.
They're hardly likely to arrive this late, are they? I'm not waiting up.
I just fancied a drink.
- What was that? - What? Oh, I thought I saw a pig fly past the window.
You know, Penny and Stephen aren't that bad, are they? - He drones and she twitters.
- Yes, but they're decent people.
Whereas this new lot, oh.
- I'm taking this to bed.
Are you coming? - I'll be up in a minute.
It's not unknown for the furniture to arrive before the people, you know.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Hm.
- Good night, Sandy.
- Good night, Jean.
- Hello, Sandy.
Have a good evening? - Yes, thank you.
- What? - I always think you look very cuddly - in a dressing gown.
- Cuddly? - Mm.
- Thank you.
- Sandy? - I didn't have a nice time at all.
- Harry didn't take to Alistair.
- How did you know that? It takes a bit of time to take to Alistair and I speak from experience.
He would keep calling Harry "Har".
Oh, dear, I've only just got used to him calling me Li.
- Harry thinks Alistair's flash.
- Let's face it, he is.
Yes, I know, but it isn't ill-intentioned.
It's just Alistair.
And chucking money around like confetti doesn't endear him to someone struggling on a police constable's pay.
I suppose he only earns coppers.
But d'you know the worst bit? - Judy doesn't like Harry? - No, no, they get on fine.
Alistair's planning a programme of future events.
He's already started calling us The A Team.
Sandy, I don't really know what I can do.
Oh, it's all right.
I just wanted a shoulder to cry on.
A cuddly one.
They're here, they're here! - They're here.
- Who, the Martians? No, the Duncans.
They've arrived.
You've been standing by the bedroom window.
No, I have not.
I was in bed and I heard a car and I got out to see who it was.
- Well, you do, don't you? - You do.
- Anyway, they've arrived.
- What did they do? They got out of the car and they walked into the house.
That's pretty outlandish behaviour.
- Lionel, please.
- You mean there's more? No, no.
But they have arrived.
On that thunderous anticlimax I think I'll go to bed.
Yes, me too.
Good night.
- Good night, Sandy.
- Good night, Sandy.
Do you think I look cuddly in a dressing gown? - Not particularly, no.
Why? - Oh, nothing.
- Are you coming up to bed or not? - Yes, I suppose so.
I still think it's a peculiar time to arrive.
Perhaps they're vampires.
They can only go out at night.
- Ready, Sandy? - Yep, I'm nearly ready.
Why didn't somebody call me? Mum, we're big girls now.
You don't need to see us across the road.
- I just thought I'd see you off.
- Why? Because I just thought I'd see you off.
- They're probably not up yet.
- Who? - Mum.
- I'll ring you at work if there are any developments.
- What sort of developments? - You know, developments.
I'd better go in or Lionel will make jokes about me washing the stonework.
No, you're all right.
He's out.
What's he doing at this time of the morning? He said he wanted a bottle of brown sauce.
He does do the oddest things sometimes.
- Yes.
- Well, go on.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- D'you have a good sleep? - Yes, thank you.
- Where have you been? - Down to the corner shop to get this.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, I thought I'd have some of those good sausages for breakfast and brown sauce goes very well with them.
I see.
I'm just going to have toast.
- Yes, I think I will as well.
- You said you fancied sausages.
Yes, I did when I got up.
I could see them on the plate, all brown and sizzling.
On my way back from the shop, I went off the idea.
- Would you mind laying the table? - Yes, course.
- Er, jam or marmalade? - Honey, please.
- Anything in the papers? - Oh, the usual claptrap.
You've forgotten the sugar.
That's funny, I could've sworn I put that in the cupboard.
Ha ha.
- What? - Ha ha! Stop doing that.
You sound like a pantomime villain.
You didn't need brown sauce at all.
There was a bottle in the cupboard.
- I didn't see it.
- Really? - Yes, really.
- And you didn't fancy sausages.
I told you, when I woke up I fancied them.
Having gone to get the sauce we already had, you conveniently changed your mind when you got back.
- May I have some coffee? - Yes.
Thank you.
- Well? - What is convenient about having toast instead of sausages? It's women who are meant to be curious and nosy.
But men, oh no, not them.
They don't know the meaning of the word.
Is that little diatribe an answer to my question? Come on, own up.
Sausages you never intended to eat, sauce that we already had.
Wasn't it really an excuse to get out and have a snoop around? Oh.
Don't be silly.
Me? You didn't even have the sense to hide the bottle we already had.
I didn't see the bottle we already had.
- Ha.
- It's like an engineered infection, this is.
It's like sneezing all over someone when you've got a cold.
- I don't know what you mean.
- The curiosity bug, that's what I mean.
And you've got it.
Not one but millions and now you're trying to spread it around to me.
Now for the last time, I did not see the bottle of sauce in the cupboard, I did fancy sausages for breakfast and what's the point of snooping around a house whose front door is closed? And finally, I didn't even pass the house because, if you remember, the corner shop is in the other direction.
Well, I suppose I would like you to be a little bit curious.
- Thank you.
- But of course, if you're not.
- Just a minute.
- Now what? You said the shop was in the other direction.
- You know it is.
- So if you didn't pass the house, how did you know whether the front door was open or closed? - I may just have glanced.
- Ha ha! - Glanced.
- Ha ha! Will you stop doing that? Ha ha.
You can rely on us, Mr Willet.
Two temps, two weeks, top class, top rates.
Thank you for choosing Type For You.
Come in.
- Judy, there's a Mrs - Hello, love.
- Hello, Mum.
Hardcastle to see you.
- Polly, this is my mother Jean.
- Oh, hello, Jean.
- How do you do? - You were a bit of a legend, you know.
- Oh, were? - Are, I meant are.
May I get you a tea or coffee? - No, thank you.
- I'll get on then.
- She's a child.
- She's 22.
- She called me Jean.
- We're a bit less formal these days.
Oh, these days.
Well, you made some changes.
- Yes.
- Moved things round a bit.
- Not really.
- Do you like it? Yes, it's very nice.
Mum, is this some kind of snap inspection? No, of course not.
Look, I'm going to do something and I want you both to back me up.
- It's not a heist, is it? - No, it's the Duncans.
Don't do that.
I thought we'd invite them on Saturday for a drink, a sort of hello and welcome.
That sort of thing.
- What does Lionel say? - That's why I need backup.
I haven't told him.
Well? - How much? - Well? Look, we don't have to actually be there, do we? How are you going to back me up otherwise? - On Saturday, I mean.
- You won't need us for that? Wonderful, isn't it? Lionel accuses me of spreading the curiosity bug and all the time he's spreading the antisocial bug.
So it's an order then? Do you know I sometimes think about coming back to work, taking over again.
- Yes, of course, we'll be there.
- We wouldn't miss it for the world.
Hello, Jean Pargetter.
Oh, yes, just a minute.
No, no, I'm not the new secretary.
I'm just a temp.
Yes, she's right here.
Sorry, old habits.
It's a Miss Castle.
Hello, Linda.
She has.
Yeah, well, I told you we only supply the best.
Yes, yes, we must do that.
Thanks for phoning.
- Another satisfied customer.
- I don't remember a Linda Castle.
No, she's new.
Can we get back to this backup you need? Persuasion.
You know what I mean.
Yes, I do, but so does Lionel, too.
Lots of fluttering eyelashes, little girlie voices, a bit of leg.
He's not a fool.
I know he's not but it often works.
Come in.
- Sorry.
- There's a Mr - Thank you.
Hardcastle to see you.
- May I get you a tea or coffee? - No, thank you.
I'll get on then.
- She's very young, isn't she? - That's what I said.
It's nice to see you but what are you doing here? You said you might pop in, so I thought I'd pop in.
- You don't work here.
- Neither do you.
- No, true.
- I thought I'd save you all the trouble - of a performance this evening.
- What performance? The All Closing In On Me On The Settee performance.
You know, "Ooh, Lionel, aren't you a weal old tweetie," performance.
We do not talk like that.
No, you don't snuggle up on the settee so there's a lot of knee about either.
- But I don't mind that bit.
- I've no idea what you're talking about.
You're all dying to meet the new neighbours but the old curmudgeon has to be persuaded to meet them.
Am I right? So I've invited them for drinks on Saturday.
But that's actually sociable.
No, it's not.
I just thought I'd get it over with.
Jean says are you bringing in the fresh nibbles? Oh, I was just trying to buy some time, that's all.
- Do you think they'll go home soon? - Oh, I do hope so.
I'd rather be at the dentist.
Make a quick appointment and I'll come with you.
So, Alex, did you say your son had emigrated? - Yes.
- Oh.
Not Queensland, Alex, Australia.
I'm sure that Lionel and Jean know that Queensland is in Australia.
Of course.
But you wouldn't say someone had emigrated to Birmingham.
You'd say England.
- I've never been to Birmingham.
- Oh, I have, but only once.
If you just said Birmingham, it could be Birmingham, Tennessee.
It's Birmingham, Alabama, actually.
Oh, we are in a geographic mood today, aren't we? - Oh, more nibbles.
- Yes.
Look at that.
More nibbles.
- Who wants some? Ruth? - No, thank you.
- Alex? - No, thank you.
So, erm, did anyone see the rugby international the other week? - He did.
- I told you in the morning - that I'd be watching it.
- Afternoon, actually, which left it far too late to alter the arrangements, which is why I had to cope with Brenda on my own.
- It didn't need two of us.
- It would have been nice.
- Lionel loves rugby.
- Yes, I do.
I'm not that bothered about it, really, but it was something to watch.
Not how it was put to me.
It was put to me as a matter of life or death.
Sandy's going out with a policeman.
Who also likes rugby.
Do you know any policemen? We knew somebody who was a coastguard.
- Really? - Alex knew him before we were married.
- I only met him once.
- So, you knew him.
- No, I met him.
- Does it really matter? Does it really matter? Whether we adopt a common European currency or not? Well, you must ask Alex.
He's the economic wizard.
I take the Financial Times.
I don't claim to be a wizard.
- More nibbles? - Another drink? - No, thank you.
- We should go.
We're still unpacking.
I told Lionel he shouldn't have bothered you so soon after you'd moved in.
No, it was very kind of you.
You must come and see us when we're settled.
- We'd love to.
- Well, then, we'll be off.
- Thanks again.
- We'll see you out.
- Goodbye, Judith.
- Bye.
- Goodbye, Cindy.
- Sandy.
- Sandy.
- Nice to have met you both.
I try not to make too many snap judgments but If I have to meet them again, I really will insist on being paid.
- Budge up.
- Thanks for the one about me bothering them so soon after they'd moved in.
I'm sorry but I was desperate for something to say.
It didn't matter what anybody said, they still argued about it.
The only thing they didn't argue about was their names.
I bet that was a close-run thing though.
They wouldn't come back, would they? Perhaps they have decided to argue about their names.
- Sandy? - All right, I'll go.
But if it's them, I shall faint dead away and leave the rest up to you.
No wonder their son emigrated.
Suddenly Penny and Stephen seem the most desirable neighbours in the world.
Hey, hey, hey.
How's my favourite happy family? Was it something I said? - I'm sorry, Li, really I am.
- It's not your fault, Alistair.
We couldn't expect you to vet prospective buyers.
Perhaps they can be persuaded to move out.
- They've only just moved in.
- I know a few, er, faces, you see.
Oh, forget it.
After all, we do live in an approximation of a democracy.
I can't think we'll have much to do with them anyway.
You're the big man in all this.
Slight change of tack.
Is Har on duty this weekend, do you know? I thought I'd arrange something for The A Team tomorrow.
I think he is on duty and take a tip, don't call him Har.
- Why, Li? - He doesn't like it.
Sandy told me.
- That has gone in there.
- Good.
While we're in a guy-levelling- with-another-guy mood, is there anything else I should know? All right, yes.
I know it's difficult for you but try not to be so Excuse me.
Alistair Deacon.
Jak se mas? Yeah.
He is? He will? Fantastic.
Well, what's another five grand? Yeah, see you in Prague on Tuesday.
Try not to be so what, Li? No, forget that one.
- Oh, dear.
- What is it? One of the Glums has just walked in.
That's one of our new neighbours.
- Did he have that black eye earlier? - No, I felt like punching him but I didn't.
Battered guy.
That's sad.
- There you are.
- It's where we said we'd be.
Yes, I know.
I've got something to tell you about Alex Duncan.
- Well, keep it down, he's at the bar.
- Oh.
- How about a champagne cocktail? - Not now, Alistair.
Well, come on, what about Alex Duncan? He's a wife beater.
- What? - Ruth left her scarf.
The girls wouldn't take it, they said they'd made enough sacrifices.
So I did.
Lionel, she's got a black eye.
Well, it's not funny.
The man is obviously a brute.
I think it evens out.
He's got a black eye, too.
- He hasn't? - I wonder if the feminine of brute - is brutess? - Nice one, Li.
- Look, it's not funny.
- No, you're right.
I wonder who punched who first? - Perhaps it was simultaneous.
- Stop it.
We've got to live next to those people.
Well, so long as they don't start on us.
I think I will have that drink now.
- Your wish, as you know, is my my, my.
- What? A woman with a black eye's just walked in.
- It's like a Western.
- Lionel, what should we do? We stay right out of it.
Well, they're not dull, are they? # You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #