As Time Goes By (1992) s08e02 Episode Script

802 - Animal Magnetism

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # Look, I keep telling you to go home.
Go home.
Go home.
Miss? Miss? Oh! There you are.
I thought I'd lost you for a moment.
No, no.
You hadn't.
You found something you like? Yes, I do quite.
Have you got this in a paler blue? No, I'm sorry.
I have explained this.
We're a charity shop.
We don't carry ranges of stock.
- Well, I think you should.
- Well, I'm sure you do.
People donate clothes.
Hardly likely to find a person with the same dress in several colours.
- Couldn't you order some more? - We don't order.
Perhaps Perhaps, um Perhaps you'd find something else you like.
- What else would I like? - Well We've got some lovely hats.
Over there.
Do look.
Well, I'll look but don't get your hopes up.
- Lionel, what are you doing here? - I'm looking for a dog.
We don't sell dogs.
- You had to say that? - Yes, I did.
- Why are you looking for a dog? - One keeps following me.
- Whose dog is it? - I didn't think to ask it.
Perhaps it's lost.
Has it got a collar tag? - It hasn't got a collar.
- Perhaps it's a stray, poor thing.
- Where are you going? - To see if it's all right.
- It looked fine.
- Would you like being a stray? Miss? Miss? Actually, I'm not a Miss I'm a Mrs.
I have my husband here to prove it.
Is this true? Yes.
She carries me around like an identity card.
- Will you excuse me? - I need an opinion on this hat.
Ask a man.
They're so much more objective.
Excuse me.
- Very well.
I'll ask you.
- I'm not really a hat person.
Well, you'll have to do.
- I - I want a completely frank opinion.
What do you think? I think you look ridiculous.
Well, really! Your husband says I look ridiculous.
Well, I have to say he's right.
Good afternoon.
- No sign of your dog.
- He's not my dog.
- Perhaps he's gone home.
- I hope he had the bus fare.
- I expect he has gone home.
- Maybe he took a dog cart.
Have you come here specifically to be silly? I came to take you to lunch.
- Oh, that's a nice idea.
- Well, you know me.
- I quite like this.
- Yes.
It's yours.
It is mine! I didn't steal it from your wardrobe.
You gave it to me.
- Really? - I'll get my coat.
Excuse me.
Does this suit me? - Well - It doesn't, does it? I'm looking for something a bit flowery.
- It's for my grandson's wedding.
- Oh, I see.
I think it suits you perfectly.
- They don't have any idea.
- None at all.
Come with me.
We'll find something that will knock their eyes out.
Half an hour to choose a hat? It wouldn't take me half an hour.
Nothing to suit you in there anyway.
- She tried on most of them twice.
- She was sweet.
Anyway, it gave you a chance to get yourself a nice jacket.
It was my jacket.
It felt like paying ransom money.
It means you've got enough left to buy lunch.
Er, Sandy? Could you come here a minute, please? Yes.
All right! - What is it? - Him.
Go on.
Repeat what you just said to me.
I feel as if I'm on trial.
No, you're already condemned.
Tell Sandy what you just said.
Well - and this is not verbatim - I just asked Judy if she'd accompany me to a champagne reception at the Venezuelan Embassy.
- Venezuelan Embassy? - Yes.
Why should you be invited to the Venezuelan Embassy? Some of my authors sell well there.
It's not important why he was invited.
What matters is he's invited me to go with him.
What could be more natural? I turned down a proposal of marriage from you not long ago.
The pain's still there.
I just don't make the connection.
Sandy, tell him.
Sandy? Well, I'm sorry but I don't see why you're so outraged.
Because he thinks I'm still here.
Geographically, you are.
Here for you, I mean.
Sandy knows what I mean.
Yes but being available needn't mean you are available, need it? Oh, this comes into the category of "Can't we still be friends?" How often does that really work? I mean, honestly, how many ex-boyfriends are you still friends with? Well, let's see One.
But that might be because he's in Australia.
- There you are.
- I'm not an animal.
I can respect friendship.
Two friends can drink champagne, go on for a late supper and if they feel the night beckoning hey, hey.
Have a nice evening, Alistair.
Call me a quitter but I sense a "No" there.
Very perceptive.
Yes, I can be.
- So - So what? So if you're free and can squeeze into something figure-hugging Alistair, you've tried that one.
Judy is my best friend.
Yes but she doesn't want to know me.
I'll drop by about 7:30.
If you're in something figure-hugging, hey, hey.
If you're not, the Venezuelan Embassy will be a duller place.
Hasta la vista.
Just got to call the Venezuelan Embassy.
- He did say the Venezuelan Embassy? - Yes.
- Hello, Sandy.
- Hello.
I need to talk to Judy.
You're not still thinking about that dog? I tell you - he'd been waiting outside the restaurant.
- Well, he wasn't there when we left.
- No.
How did you know he was there? Did he send you a note? - He went round the corner.
- Oh, Lionel.
- I tell you, he did.
- And he followed us home? - Yes.
- Then why didn't we see him? Because every time I said, "There he is", he ducked behind a parked car.
Just a minute I'm seeing if you've got a fever.
I admit it does sound a bit unlikely.
I suppose he could be in the CID.
Perhaps it's not a dog at all.
Perhaps it's a plain-clothes officer in disguise.
- Oh, hilarious.
- You come up with something.
- Sandy and I are going for a walk.
- Make sure you're not followed.
- What? - Joke.
- This is going to go on, isn't it? - No, no, no, no.
I know when to stop.
He'd have to be a very small plain-clothes officer.
Alistair? I'm not changing my mind about this embassy do this evening.
No, it's not that.
He asked me to go.
Did you say yes? - Not exactly.
- No? Not exactly.
You're not asking my permission? - Not exactly.
- Oh, come on.
The fresh air might make you a bit more lucid.
I'm going to put an imaginary kettle on.
- Hello, Lionel.
- I thought you were going out.
- Yes, we were.
- But then we didn't.
- It's that dog.
- Oh, do you know him? - What's he doing here? - Having his lunch.
- I mean, why.
- Because he looked hungry.
I have got another theory.
Perhaps what you really saw That's a dog.
No, it's not.
You're imagining things.
Oh, isn't he sweet? - Where did he come from? - We found him on the doorstep.
- He's got no collar.
- And it's starting to rain.
Oh No.
- No.
- You can't just chuck him out.
- Nobody mentioned chucking.
- Throwing then.
- He's a stray.
He's got no collar.
- Maybe he's lost it.
Took it off and forgot to put it on again? I've always thought how kind you are.
You can stop wheedling.
We do not need a stray dog.
- I'm not hurling him out.
- Oh, it's hurling now? - Into the rain.
- And the cold.
Oh, start the violins, do.
Look, I'm not a beast.
I don't mind dogs but He's in beautiful condition.
Does he really look like a stray? He's just lost.
All right.
Supposing you're right, what do you suggest we do about it? - Get him to the RSPCA.
- But they'll kill him.
They protect animals.
Well, if they can't trace an owner, they'll kill him.
I've never heard such rubbish.
I'll tell you what is funny - why did he follow you? - Why did he sit on your doorstep? - I don't know.
An instant affinity.
It happens with animals.
So, what do you think? - I think Mum will wear him down.
- No.
I meant about Alistair.
Oh, that.
That's up to you, Sandy.
Oh, that's just what I didn't want you to say.
- Well, it is.
- Yes, I know but Wouldn't you be I wouldn't be anything.
Look, I like Alistair, in spite of everything, but I think we've run our course.
He never wanted me for the right reasons anyway.
I mean, he's rich, he's fairly good-looking, fairly sexy, never dull, and very attentive when he's not looking at himself in the mirror.
But there's no substance to him.
The last thing I'm looking for is substance.
Harry had substance.
- Yeah, he did.
- And look where it got me.
I spent most of my time watching him play rugby.
The nearest we got to a candle-lit supper was egg and chips in the station canteen when there was a power cut.
I'm in the mood for a taste of the good life.
A bit of glam, a bit of spoiling.
Well, Alistair's very good at that.
Are you sure you're OK with this? If I wasn't, I'd be upstairs in your wardrobe with a pair of scissors.
I know.
Let's go and see if Mum's worn Lionel down yet.
- I like Cuddles.
- Yeah, we all do.
As a name for the dog.
- Oh.
Cuddles? - Mm.
What? - Aah.
- Who put him here? I didn't.
Perhaps the dog fairy crept in while you were asleep.
Get down.
Go on, get down.
- Oh, he's very obedient, isn't he? - He's very hairy as well.
- He can't help that.
Well? - Well, what? We were discussing what to do about him and you said you'd sleep on it.
Oh, dear.
I was hoping that was all a dream.
Bad luck.
Have you reached any conclusions? - I'm in a wearing-down process.
- A rational discussion.
Same thing in this house.
The fact is, we don't need a dog.
Well, nobody said we needed a dog but he's very sweet and he's lost.
- You said "lost".
- Well, on his own, then.
Oh, good.
You're awake.
I just popped out and got a few things.
- Look.
- Oh.
Look, a squeaky toy.
Does he like a squeaky toy? Oh, yes, he does.
Look, Lionel.
I'm looking.
They do identity discs but we have to decide on a name.
Sandy likes Cuddles.
Oh, no.
Dogs should have proper names - like Andrew.
No, he doesn't look like an Andrew.
What about Spot? - But he hasn't got a spot.
- All right, then.
Gerald is a steady sounding name.
- Just a minute.
- You've got an idea? Yes.
I have an idea that, as usual, this household is rushing into things without thinking.
- We haven't decided to keep him.
- I thought you'd worn him down.
- No.
Lionel said he'd sleep on it.
- And? Well, the way I see it The way I see it is this.
I wouldn't mind if we had a dog but I would mind a dog which patently belongs to someone else.
- Nobody's claimed him.
- Nobody knows where he is except us.
Lionel's right.
I know, we'll put a notice on a lamppost.
Postage stamp sized, presumably? And you said on "a" lamppost.
That's not really trying to find its owner, is it? Well, is it? The obvious thing is to check with the local police station.
Oh, all right.
I'll go with Sandy when she gets back.
- Where is she? - Gone to buy a dress.
Alistair's taking her to a reception at the Venezuelan Embassy tonight.
Oh right.
And, yes, it's fine by me.
- I can't keep up with all this.
- I shouldn't bother.
He ought to have something to eat.
Would you like some tea, Gerald? I got you some food as well.
It's in the kitchen.
We'll put it in your nice new bowl, won't we? Why do people talk to dogs like that, if you can't understand a word? - No dogs reported missing at all.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
You're happy looking after him? I can get in touch with the RSPCA - No, we want to look after him.
- We like him.
Well, I'll take your details just in case the real owners turn up.
- They don't always turn up? - Afraid not.
- Puts you right off some people.
- It does rather.
- Missing dog - Alec.
Sergeant Hobbs would, er like a word.
It's just an address and telephone number.
I know the address and phone number.
- Excuse me.
- Hello, Sandy.
- Hello, Harry.
- Hello, Harry.
How have you been? Very well.
How's the rugby? Oh, great.
Last week we played Middlesex 3rds No, no.
I didn't want a match report.
I'll see you outside.
Well I get off at seven.
I thought I'd go to the pictures.
- Oh.
I'm going out tonight as well.
- Anywhere nice? No.
Nowhere special.
- Well, I'd better go.
- Right.
- Bye.
- Bye, Sandy.
First names.
Do you know her, then? I used to.
Gerald's fast asleep in his basket.
Well, he's had a full day.
Do we have any books on dogs? No, I don't think so.
We are keeping him, aren't we? That seems to be the consensus.
It sounds as if you don't want him.
No, I've told you - I don't mind dogs.
- One condition, though.
- Anything.
Well, almost anything.
- We're not calling him Gerald.
- Why not? Dogs have to be called sometimes and if you think I'm wandering about calling, "Gerald!", you've got another think coming.
- Reg? - That's worse.
Well, you think of something.
- Scamp's asleep in his basket.
- And we're not calling him Scamp.
- We're keeping him? - Unless his owner turns up.
- Does he know? - What do you mean? - Has anyone told him? - For goodness' sake! - I told him it was pretty certain.
- Understood every word, of course? You'd be surprised what dogs understand.
Perhaps I'll get him to fill in my tax return.
Um What do you think? - Well, it's very - It's not too, um - No.
- Judy? - You can breathe? - Just.
I think it's gorgeous.
I could spit in your eye.
It cost a fortune.
What do you think, Lionel? - I think it's very nice.
- Is that it? Ignore the words.
Just look at the way his eyes have glazed over.
Well Honestly! Hello.
Oh, hello, Harry.
Yes Oh, I see.
Yes, of course.
Yes, right.
We'll see you later.
Bye, Harry.
Why should you be seeing Harry later? - If this is about me - No, it's nothing to do with you.
Someone's turned up claiming to be Gerald's owner.
Harry's bringing him round.
Aah you're sitting with him.
I'm not sitting with him.
I'm making some tea.
- Do you think he knows? - Pardon? - Do you think he knows? - About what? - About the phone call.
- Of course not.
He can't understand what we're saying.
You'd be surprised.
Dogs are psychic.
He might have sensed the phone call - picked up the vibrations.
- He wasn't even in the room.
- Poor Scamp.
Aah, Judy's sitting with him.
I can see that.
Harry did say someone "claiming" to be the owner.
- That's what I think.
- Don't start.
- I thought you were going out.
- I am.
I can't sit on the floor in that dress.
Oh, Sandy's sitting with him now.
Why don't we all sit on the floor and have done with it? - Do you need to take that attitude? - I'm not turning this into a wake.
The animal going back to its rightful owner.
We should be happy.
Someone who claims to be his owner.
- That's funny.
I was thinking that.
- Doesn't mean it is the real owner.
Just someone claiming to be.
It could be any Tom, Dick or Har or William.
Would you like your tea down there or at the table? Perhaps Gerald would like some tea.
- Yeah.
I bet he would.
- Would you like some tea, Gerald? - Don't give him any sugar.
- No.
Would he like a cup or a mug? There you are, Gerald.
Oh, no! And don't hide him anywhere.
- Hello, Harry.
- Evening, sir.
This is Mr Burrows.
- Evening.
- How do you do? I'm very grateful.
Dexter! Dexter, come on, boy.
Where have you been? I thought I'd lost you, you bad lad.
Where have you been all this time? Of course, he's only claiming to be the owner.
- Jean? - No, thanks.
- I hope your sergeant won't mind.
- It's all right.
I'm off.
I dropped Mr Burrows off on the way.
We're glad you did, aren't we, Jean? Aren't we? Yes, I suppose so.
They certainly belong together.
He was well off-course, the dog.
Mr Burrows had tried three other stations before ours.
It's a good name - Dexter.
- Have you ever had a dog? - A long time ago in Kenya.
- What did you call him? - Lawrence.
- And you thought Gerald was silly? - Nothing silly about Lawrence.
I am glad really about Dexter going back Oh.
I thought you'd gone.
- Not going anywhere special? - It's just a do.
You never wore that when we went out.
Well, it's not exactly right for the rugby club bar.
I'll go! - I will have that drink.
- Good idea.
It's the British Ambassador.
Greetings from the Great White Queen across the water.
- Oh, hi, Harry.
- Hello.
Ring-a-ding-ding! How did you manage to pour yourself into that? With some difficulty.
- Let's hope it's easy to pour yourself - Drink, Alistair? Rain check, if I may.
I've got a limo waiting.
- Well, you do, don't you? - Oh, all the time.
I, er I think we'd better be going.
Come, Consuela, we're off to Venezuela.
- Good night, everyone.
- Good night.
Did he say Venezuela? - It's only the embassy.
- Oh, only the embassy.
When you've seen one embassy, you've seen them all.
Jean's always saying that.
Anyway, thanks for the drink.
If I'm going to catch that film Oh, Judy I don't suppose you'd fancy a film? Pizza afterwards.
Nothing very grand.
Um, yeah.
All right, Harry.
Why not? Oh.
Just one thing, though.
This film's not about dogs, is it? No.
Good night.
- Now.
Do we know a couple? - A couple of what? A couple we could swap with.
You seem keen on changing partners.
- I had nothing to do with it.
- Maybe not.
It's all just so sudden, isn't it? Nobody was going out with anybody when the day started.
We didn't have a dog when the day started.
- We don't have a dog now.
- No.
I expect he'll send us a postcard from time to time.
We'd better think about eating.
Tell me about Lawrence.
He was just a dog.
- What do you mean, just a dog? - What I say.
Would you like duckling a I'orange? - That's a bit ambitious.
- Not really.
It's in a packet.
Oh, fine.
What breed? - The duckling? - No.
That was known only to his mother and father.
So, just tell me about him.
Well, he was a stray.
Goodness knows where he came from.
The coffee plantation was miles from anywhere.
Anyway, come he did, thin as a rake, more fleas than hair and Well, he stayed.
I knew I'd like something about your ex-wife.
She'd gone.
She wouldn't have had him.
- I would.
- Yes, I know.
So, it was just you and Lawrence? - Mm.
- I bet you talked to him.
Oh, yes.
After work, we'd sit on the veranda with our sundowners, smoke a pipe or two and chat away for hours.
I don't believe the bit about the pipe or two.
No, all right.
I suppose I did talk to him.
Did you ever tell him about the girl you loved and thought you'd lost? No.
Our conversations were of the general variety.
We really didn't get into the personal stuff.
Typical males.
So what happened to him? I shot him.
Lionel? He got very old, you see? And he got in pain and There wasn't a vet just round the corner.
So, we went for a walk.
I'll take the basket and things to the shop tomorrow.
- Someone's bound to buy them.
- Mm.
I'll make supper.
There's that cat in the garden again.
What cat? I've seen him there several times this week.
No collar.
Perhaps he's a stray.
Do you think he's a stray Lionel? Lionel? # You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #