As Time Goes By (1992) s09e03 Episode Script

903 - The World Will Always Welcome Lovers ... a.k.a The Wedding

# You must remember this #A kiss is still a kiss #A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply #As time goes by # Telephone! Telephone! - I'm answering it - Oh, get out of my way Hello? Who? Oh, yes, how are you? What? Well, you better tell Alistair Oh Oh, no, of course you can't Right Well No Yeah Well, c'est la vie, all right Yes Well, goodbye And good luck - Who's that? - The best man He's broken his leg - That's bad luck - Bad luck? The man's a fool That's a bit harsh Who is the best man, anyway? Was, was, was Gaston somebody or other - He's a ski instructor - Can't be very good if he's broken his leg No, that's why I said he was a fool Well, why phone here? Why not phone Alistair? Because he's on his way to hospital, and contrary to all the laws of nature, Alistair's mobile is switched off - Oh, that's right He's gone to see his man again - What man? - His Harley Street man - What about? His toe? Yeah, I suppose so Well, he went before He said there was no problem Why does he have to see him again? Well, I don't know I'm not an expert on toes, am I? Well, you'll have to do it - Do what? - Be best man I'm giving the bride away I can't walk down the aisle with Judy and then nip round and give Alistair the ring, can I? Well, perhaps nobody would notice They would notice, wouldn't they? - Who are you phoning? - Well, I'm trying Alistair again Judy! Yes, I'm coming You know, for a small woman, your mother's got a very loud voice I wonder what she's panicking about now She was right You are calm Yeah, well, one of the happy couple has to be One? Yeah I mean, Alistair's been very odd lately - Odder than usual? - Yes Oh, I don't know He just seems to get very emotional very quickly - Judy! - That's happiness No, not really He keeps looking as if he wants to cry - Oh? - Judy! Oh, yes! You've got a loud voice, too Go on, then - Rocky? - Yes Rocky as best man? Well, why not? Because he's at least halfway round the bend, that's why not - He's your father - Oh, I know who he is, all right - He's sweet - Sweet? Yes, he is And Alistair thinks so, too He thinks of him as a sort of soul mate Yes On a purely practical level, this is the eleventh hour, and we know he'd do it - Well, yes, but - Yes, so Rocky it is, then I'll ring him and tell him he's gonna be best man Er, Mum Well, ask, I meant ask No, I meant, don't you think it really ought to come from Alistair? - Well, where is Alistair? - You said he was coming straight round Well, straight can mean anything, can't it? Rocky? Rocky? Of course It's a brilliant idea It's a shame about your friend Gaston Well, yes, but it might prove to be a blessing in disguise I mean, he's a nice guy, Gaston, but He's very Gallic Tends to be a bit over-excitable at times Oh, really Right Well, I'd better let Mum know Mum Hello Well, I was just coming to tell you that Alistair thinks Rocky's a good idea, but Well, I was just passing the door I Just passing the door! - Hello, Alistair - Hey, hey, lovely lady - How's your toe? - Toe? Yes, you went to see your man about the toe - Oh, yes, right - How is it? Oh, it's fine 100% functional again So why did you have to see him again? Well, I Just to, er Er, rubber-stamp the thing, really I thought I'd just pop over the road for a swift half - I'm your man, Li - Yes, just before you go, Lionel, I've just been talking to Alistair about his toe - Have you? - You seemed to know about it from the start Which foot was it? Which foot? The left Which toe? Third? Just sit down here, please - Well? - Well? All right, the toe thing was made up A harmless deception Well, we'd worked that out for ourselves Why? - To cover up for the crying - What crying? Mine I told Sandy you kept looking as if you wanted to cry And you did the other night I thought it was a one-off Well, that's just the trouble It wasn't I cried a lot I got over-emotional about the wedding About lots of things Old films Bits of music Puppies Oh, Alistair But I'm okay now I'm over it I did a trial run with a puppy just a few minutes ago, and nothing It was only a side effect in the first place Side effect from what? The stuff I was taking to cure the panic attacks - Oh, this gets worse - What panic attacks? Well, when I kept When I kept - I can't bring myself to say the word, Li - Swooning He kept swooning So I took the stuff to stop the swooning But that made me start crying But it's okay now because he's given me some stuff to stop the crying, you see? Alistair Are there any possible side effects to what you're on now? "Remote", he said "Remote" And the parrot said, "No, I didn't see a thing "I got so excited, I fell off me perch" I've got "pause for laughter" written after that I shouldn't pause too long It's a very good joke, that May I remind you that this is a wedding? Not a stag night in some vulgar club The best man's speech should not be a succession of unfunny jokes It should contain a few affectionately humorous remarks about the groom, and conclude with a toast to the bridesmaids, or in this case, bridesmaid Young Sandy I've been very fulsome about her Well, I don't think that phrases like "a right little cracker" and "a great pair of pins" are suitable Then I suppose you disapprove of the old uniform, as well? No, I must admit, you look quite dashing Coming from you, Mrs Bale, that borders on the effusive Come in! Bad news, Mr Hardcastle I'm afraid the whole thing is off Good God The wedding? No, no, no, no, no Us wearing our uniforms I seem to have expanded out of mine Yes, you have, rather I did ask Mother if she could help, but she didn't have any genuine khaki I mean, she did suggest a bit of velvet round the back, brown, but I didn't think that would look right - No, probably not - No, no I'll wear my Sunday suit, then, shall I? I'm sure you'll look very smart But please, not that awful tie with the woman on it - I gave him that - Exactly Me and my brothers will be bringing round the flowers first thing in the morning That's a bit last gasp, isn't it? No, it is not, because we want them to be fresh And what about the grub steaks? The "grub steaks", as you call them, are totally organised And the church looks lovely And Mother's finished knitting the gloves for the bride Well, we're in good order, then And you take it from me, it's going to be a perfect day tomorrow What's the shipping forecast, Mrs Bale? Choppy in the Channel, but nothing that should affect us Right, there you are Here's to a perfect day! Shouldn't we be raising a glass? Quite right Whip us up three of your Spitting Cobras, would you, Mrs Bale? Combat fatigue? I said I'd stack the dishwasher, but I'm buying time, actually - A glass of wine? - Oh, yes, please Oh, why is everyone in here? Erm, I'm helping Lionel to stack the dishwasher - Talk about leaving it to the last minute - The wedding's tomorrow No, Penny and Stephen Penny phoned to say they will be coming No invitation to tea with HMQ, then? - Apparently not - It's weird, isn't it? Stephen gets an OBE for services to dentistry, and we haven't seen them since I thought she'd have been up here showing off Well, I suppose we're the hoi polloi, now Anyway, I expect she's got to do the whole of Hampshire first Anyway, they're coming Oh, now, talking of the wedding No, no, no, talking of the wedding I think we should leave here at six in the morning That'll get us there by 8:00 The ceremony's not till 3:00 Judy and Sandy have to change Yes We shall need seven hours - Seven? - Sorry Six will be fine, won't it, Lionel? Absolutely essential by the sound of things What is that? Oh, well, I was going to do a seating plan, but as it's a buffet, I thought I'd do a standing plan You can't tell people where to stand No, I know - Have a glass of wine - Well, just one What are those two interlocking red hearts? That's you and Harry Oh, all right I know, I know Mrs Make-Everything-Right But it will be Look, you've worked your socks off, and tomorrow everything will be fine I wish I shared your confidence Look, you've checked everything more thoroughly than the CIA could ever aspire to - What can go wrong? - Alistair Assuming he doesn't faint or burst into tears, what else might he do? Morning, morning - Hi, Lol - Good morning, Lol I thought Rocky promised no fireworks Yes, he did But Mrs Bale allowed him just one rocket to herald our arrival We're on the early side, I'm afraid Oh, not a bit of it We've all been up for hours Mrs Bale's doing a huge fry-up for you all Excellent, just the job There's rather a lot, Lol You'll need a hand Don't you worry about that My brothers will do all that We've got the whole village mobilised Oh, incidentally, Miss My brothers all send their very warm regards Oh, how sweet of them Give them my love Best make that best wishes We don't want them getting their hopes up, do we? I suppose not Good Lord Good morning! Looks like something out of King's Rhapsody.
Rocky! You look marvellous - Oh, Miss - Yes, love? From Mother She said I had to give them to you personal Oh, thank you Erm, thanks Her little tradition, you see Oh, how lovely Thank you - Look, Sandy, aren't they? They're lovely - Yes, they're perfect You don't have to wear them at the ceremony, of course Perhaps on the honeymoon Yes It'll match your going-away dress Yes - Oh, good afternoon - Good afternoon I'm 82 - Are you really? - I'll be 83 in September How nice - Alistair's here - Oh, how is he? Oh, I don't know I just saw the car - Who's that? - I haven't the faintest idea The bridegroom has arrived But don't worry, I've secured the bride in her room - "Secured"? - Asked her not to come out Oh, right Oh, Mrs Bale, the room looks lovely - We've done our best - Mrs Bale, who is that? Mrs Twillet She's the flower watcher - The what? - The flower watcher It's an old custom here The Twillets have always done it - Why should she watch the flowers? - Nobody really remembers But we don't want to break with tradition, do we? Mrs Bale, have I ever told you you bear an uncanny resemblance to Claudia Schiffer? No And don't start now Mom and Pop-in-law, what a wonderful day for a wedding! Oh, Alistair, how are you? How are you feeling? Think of Lake Placid, and you've got me Who is that? - She's an old village custom, apparently - Really? Good afternoon I have a brother who's 96 Have you really? He'll be 97 in November Excellent Way to go Shall we, erm Well, almost time for the off Rocky's just polishing his medals - You look very svelte, Li - "Svelte"? And as for you, lovely lady, what can I say? Just assure me that you really are all right I am I am No sign of the dizziness at all, and as for the other stuff, I checked on the way down by looking at some lambs in a field And it was fine Well, thank goodness Erm, I don't want to seem cred-obsessed, but you haven't told anyone else, have you? No, we haven't We don't want the entire congregation on tenterhooks I wonder how long she stays She looks set in for the summer to me Not a petal has dropped, Mrs Twillet? # Nor shall they # They are safe # - You would be the bridegroom - I certainly would So, then That's that done Goodbye - Goodbye - Goodbye Goodbye - What was all that about, Mrs Bale? - Nobody knows The Witchfinder General would have had a whale of a time down here Mrs Hardcastle, you should be leaving for the church in three and a half minutes Yes, Mrs Bale You're very quiet Yes, I may have panicked during the last few days, but I feel very calm now Ex-chillente Everyone's calm One is calm Well Oh, my God I can't move my legs - Oh, perfect - Come on, Alistair, you're fine No, I'm not I can't move I'm paralysed It must be a side effect of the stuff I was taking for the crying Or maybe it's a double side effect combined with the stuff I was taking for the fainting! - What am I gonna do? - Oh, shut up, do! Side effects and side effects from side effects? I'm sick of hearing about them It's nothing but a blue funk And if you think I'm going to let you spoil Judy's day, you've got another think coming Now get up and get to that church and marry my daughter! I'm up! I'm up! - Now, take it slowly - Rubbish Just walk Li, this is some lady you've got here Yes, I know Tough love, eh? - Where did you learn that? - Long before there was a fancy name for it - Come on young fellow-me-lad - On my way, Rocky On my way I am Really, I am - I can't move my legs now - I'll see you in church I'll see you in church Oh, and incidentally, will you marry me? Oh Oh, all right Which reminds me of a rather funny story about a parrot with no feet Oh, my word I'm ready - We are starting on the left foot, aren't we? - On the left Your father would have been very proud of you, you know Thanks, Lionel So am I, as a matter of fact - Where's Stephen? - Who? Oh, Stephen He's back there somewhere - Why isn't he with you? - Because I'm not speaking to him Oh, Penny, why? Because he's simply Will the congregation please be seated We've come together to witness the marriage of Alistair and Judith, to pray for God's blessing on them, to share their joy, and to celebrate Marriage is a gift of God in creation through which husband and wife may know the grace of God It is given that as man and woman grow together in love Alistair, will you take Judith to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live? I will Judith, will you take Alistair to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live? I will Who giveth this woman to be married to this man? I do Alistair and Ju Alistair and Judith, I now invite you to joins hands and make your vows in the presence of God death us do part, according to God's holy law Mothballs Judith, I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage Judith, I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage - With my body I honour you - With my body I honour you - All that I am I give to you - All that I am I give to you - All that I have I share with you - All that I have I share with you Within the love of God Alistair and Judith have given their consent and made their marriage vows to each other I therefore proclaim that they are husband and wife Those whom God has joined together let no one put asunder Cheese! One more, please Cheese! - Look, it's Harry - Yes, so it is - Hello, Harry - Hello, Sandy - Have a drink - No, really I'm fine No, no, really Nonsense, it's a wedding Jan, come and meet some people I'd like you to meet - You look lovely - Thank you So, when are you leaving? Oh, I don't have to go I've got the whole weekend off No, I meant Canada Oh, right, Canada Wednesday - That soon? - Yeah - You do look lovely - Oh, it's the dress No, it's not Ah, now you're the young fellow I've been looking for You're the Mountie, aren't you? No, sir I'm going on attachment to the Mounties I knew it was something like that - Sandy, can you spare a minute? - Yes, of course Excuse us You know, a little birdie tells me that you used to be very sweet on young Sandy - Well, wouldn't you be? - Oh, I would Why aren't you taking her with you, then? Well, I don't know Well, I do I haven't asked her You don't look like a simpleton - The thing is - Yeah? The thing is, I'm only a copper It's not a lot to offer - And Canada - It's a fine country Yes, but it's another continent Look, what you need, my boy, is a spot of Dutch courage - Go on, drink up - I'm not really used to champagne Oh, harmless! Good heavens, I could down a bottle of that stuff when I was eight years old - There Cheers - What the hell Cheers Cheers What's Judy doing? She's taken Sandy off It has to be said, I think you picked the wrong place to arrange a tryst - Well, it's all these people - Well, that's what I meant Hello - Oh, hello, Stephen - Stop following me about I came from a different direction What is wrong with you two? - Ask him - Stephen? I may as well tell you - You know Stephen's OBE? - Yes - He didn't get it - What do you mean, he didn't get it? He turned it down - Stephen, why? - Well, I didn't mean to It's forms, you see I've never been very good with forms There's this form from Downing Street, as we call it You have the option of accepting or declining the honour Boxes to tick I must have ticked the wrong box, 'cause we never heard back Look, it's not funny It's a public humiliation It can't be public if nobody knows about it A humiliation, then I had the same problem with my last passport application Kept ticking the wrong boxes Thing went back and forth about ten times before I got it right And the visa application when we went to America - What, same thing? - Yes He ticked the box that time declaring he was mentally unstable Not far from the truth, is it? Oh, do stop following me about - Look, have you seen Sandy? - I've been talking to you Oh, well, go and prise Harry from Rocky and find her - Ooh, I know what I wanted to ask you - What is it, Stephen? Have you ever played with a Game Boy? No, I said you don't see many firkins around these days Oh, well, they usually have them in fish and chip shops - Fish and chip shops? - In jars You're not talking about firkins, you're talking about gherkins - Harry? - Well done with the speech, my boy I'm glad you got in that joke about the parrot - Didn't go awfully well, did it? - Well, I laughed Thanks Would you mind if I borrow Harry for a bit? No, no Of course not I wanted to have a word with young Sandy Ah, there she is - Why do you want to borrow me? - Well, because, um - Because - I'm not worthy of her, you know Look, just stay here for a minute Erm, have another glass of champagne It's just a question of pressing the right buttons at the right time, really Look, sorry to interrupt, Stephen - Look, Sandy's back - Oh, where? She's over there, but Rocky's collared her now Oh, if only we'd had a seating plan, this wouldn't have happened Look, excuse me, Stephen Come on No, decisive action, you see Now, if I was Harry, and I was going to Canada Rocky, I don't want to seem rude, but I'm getting a little bit fed up with sentences that begin with "if I were Harry" Point taken I'm sorry, my dear Sandy, you should be talking to Harry - Should I, really? - Yes - Lionel - Resistance is futile Harry? Harry, look It's Sandy! Hello again, Harry You look lovely - You said that - Yes, but you do Sandy, I've been Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom are leaving Just hold the thought, Harry Bye, Lionel Good luck, Judy Bye, Mum Thanks for everything - You'll be in touch - Yes - Pop-in-law - Lionel Oh, all right, just this once Lionel - Look after her, Alistair - You bet And hey, thanks again for seeing to my legs - Is this something I should know about? - Never Off you go - Bye - Bye The bouquet! The bouquet! Oh, right! To the right, to the right Oh, dear I wasn't supposed to do that, was I? Sorry, Mum - Bye! Bye! - Bye! They've gone - You always wanted them to - I know Come on How many people do you know who've turned down OBEs? Well, none Well, there you are, then It marks out Stephen as an individual Yeah A sort of maverick Yes, if you like With a sort of dangerous edge You sure it doesn't make him look a complete fool? Of course not, 'cause he never reveals the real reason If anyone asks him, he just looks enigmatic and says, "I'd rather not discuss it" Put like that, it sounds positively intriguing - Yes, yes it does - Well, there you are, then Stephen, what are you doing? Looking enigmatic That's not enigmatic You just look vacant - Do we have to stay till the end? - Yes, of course we have to stay till the end - I can't see Harry and Sandy anywhere - Oh, don't let's start all that again No, but it's such a perfect moment for Harry to say something I don't think he's got the nerve Still, 50% success rate I best be off now It's nearly time for Mother's Bovril Thanks for coming, Lol No, thank you for asking me A really grand do It'll go down in village history, this will - Have you got the wedding cake for your mother? - Oh, rather She put her best teeth in to eat that Goodbye The choppy Channel came to nothing, and I've made you up a bedroom Why? Because you shouldn't drive home in your condition I'm not in a condition It would be very nice Thank you, Mrs Bale Come on, Mrs Bale, I fancy a tango They're not playing a tango Oh, stop nitpicking What about you? Do you fancy a shuffle round? Only if we smooch That's taken as read Oh, look! Oh, look! What am I supposed to be looking at? Harry and Sandy Together at last Where there's life, there's hope He passed out # You must remember this #A kiss is still a kiss #A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply #As time goes by #And when two lovers woo # They still say, "I love you" # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers #As time goes by #