As Time Goes By (1992) s09e05 Episode Script
You Must Remember This...
# You must remember this #A kiss is still a kiss #A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply #As time goes by # Absolute nonsense No, I'm sorry Are you sure I can't tempt you? No, no Definitely not Goodbye Who was that you were charming? Alistair He wants me to write another book - Oh! What a good idea - It's a terrible idea Autobiography, he said I've already done my autobiography, My Life in Kenya.
Yes, which was very - You're struggling, aren't you? - No, I'm not I'm just searching for the right word Absorbing Yes, that's the word Perhaps to the three people who read it Did you want me? No, I just came to ask you to ask me out to lunch today Oh - Would you like to come out to lunch today? - Yes, please Now about this book Now, don't look like that Think of it as an autobiography part two There was life after Kenya There was us Meeting again after all those years Now, that was a very romantic opening - Sounds made up - Well, it wasn't And it was romantic Sticky, I'd have said Very sticky You won't be long, will you? I've got a taxi waiting, you see I shan't be a moment Honestly Mum, Sandy, Lionel - Oh, hello - Hello - Hi - Do sit down Two minutes All right Can I get you a drink? - No, thanks I've got a taxi waiting - All right - Should we get on? - Yes, of course - Ready? - Oh, yes Right - Bye-bye - Goodbye Well, how was the evening? How was Coco? He said he knew you - Did he say anything else? - No That's the trouble He wouldn't even come in He said if you remembered him, you'd know why Do you remember him? You do! That's why you got dressed up I've not got dressed up Oh, so you don't remember him, then Oh It's you It's him When was this taken? Well, as you can see, we're standing in front of a cave, dressed in skins You're smiling at each other Yes, we'd just discovered how to make fire All right It was a long time ago What happened? Well, I think we had the photograph taken, we went and had tea Come on You know what I mean Was it a romance? Judy, I was 19 Kissing in the back row of the pictures was a romance then I'm his daughter Maths never was your strong point No So, why wouldn't he come in and say hello? Well, I expect he didn't fancy a wrinklies reunion He said to ask you Well, you've asked me and I don't know and it's not important - Cheers - Cheers Oh Things change Yes Your hair is different Yes I've got a bit of grey myself - Well, at least I haven't a bald spot - Well, good for you - I have got a troublesome back - Yeah, I get cramp Oh, my God! It is a wrinklies reunion What are we doing here? Well, I'm not here to compare wrinkles I just want to set the record straight, that's all Yes, so do I So, why didn't you write? Oh, no Let's not play games Why didn't you write? Where to? Second Lieutenant Hardcastle, somewhere in Korea? - I sent you the full address as soon as I had one - Well, I didn't get a letter Well, I sent it Oh, no As ridiculously simple as that? A lost letter? Oh, dear I suppose we're in some rack somewhere Could be in the Imperial War Museum, for all we know Letter from subaltern to sweetheart, circa 1953 Or still in Korea Disintegrated in the soil I'd like to think it fed a tree - People put newspaper on their compost heaps - Yes, they do So, we finished as Korean compost I like the Imperial War Museum better Yes I think I do You didn't bother to write a second bloody letter, did you? Am I boring you? Look It's us 38 years ago - This is where we first met - I know Do you think we're in some sort of time warp? Perhaps we're hallucinating "Excuse me," you said "Could you direct me to Curzon Street?" Pretty steamy opening gambit, wasn't it? Why did you need to go to Curzon Street? I didn't It was the first street that came into my head When I told my father and mother I'd been picked up by a soldier in the park, they had a thousand fits - On the road to hell? - Something like that We didn't do that on our first date We didn't do anything on our first date You swung from the branch of a tree Oh God! So, I did - Were you impressed? - Tried not to laugh Thanks 'Course, it may not be their first date at all I hope it is - Why? - I just do So that's the first chapter done - What do you mean, done? - Well, it's all in your head, isn't it? Now, chapter two Jean and Lionel went for a nice walk - We went for dozens of walks - Not like that one We found the hotel - What hotel? - The hotel Oh, yes So, that's a chapter It wasn't as easy to find as we thought, was it? Not quite, no I wonder what happened to that footpath? It's petered out The bloody thing's simply petered out Where are you? Here - What were you doing? - I fell over Why? Are you all right? I'm wonderful I'm having a wonderful walk Look, it was as much your idea as mine A bigger man wouldn't have said that Well, I'm not a bigger man I'm a lost man - Which way shall we go? - I don't know I'm not an Indian scout And where have the woods gone? I can't see any woods I'd settle for a road I can see some telegraph poles What do you intend to do? Shin up one and find out where we are? Telegraph poles mean a road Unless they're going across a field - Have you got any better ideas? - Yes Wait for Humphrey Bogart to come along, towing the African Queen and ask him the way And now you've looked us up again Well, not so much looked you up as stumbled through a hedge and found you Did you work here in 1953? Oh, no, dear I was still at school Enjoy your tea At least she was alive in 1953 I knew someone had to be We should have gone to Eastbourne We'd be comparative striplings in Eastbourne You'd have wowed them with your trainers Well, there's a first time for everything, I suppose Yes I suppose so Why are you smiling? Nice tea Yeah, I know it's a nice tea - But you don't smile like that over a nice tea - Well, I do What do you do if you have a nice dinner? Shriek with laughter? The honey's nice Look, I'm not a fool You're not smiling about the tea and the honey You're smiling about something else - All right, I am - What? I don't feel like telling you - Oh, aren't we a little old for games? - It's not games If you don't know why I smile, then I'm not telling you, 'cause you should - Should what? - Know - Well, I don't - Oh, have some honey I don't want any honey - It's not the shoes, they're not that funny - No, it's not the shoes I haven't got mud on my face, have I? Look, why are you suddenly so concerned about your personal appearance? - I've lost interest in this conversation - So have I Funny being back there Yes, funny It was smaller than I remember From the outside Then I suppose it never had more than 12 rooms or so Good God - I've just remembered something - Oh? Here Then In one of those 12 rooms or so, we made love for the first time Did we really? That's why you were smiling You remembered So why didn't you say so? I didn't want to be the only one who did remember Yes, I see Room eight With the squeaky door Mr and Mrs Ambrose Smith I always wondered why you added the Ambrose I didn't want to be too obvious Oh Do you think they knew? Well, as we had no luggage and were both as red as beetroots, I think they must have done Now you're smiling I was just thinking of the 28 cups of coffee we had after dinner before we went up to the room It wasn't really 28 - Seemed like it - You kept ordering them - I didn't want to rush you - Oh - I've always wondered, did you plan that night? - Oh, give me some credit I'd have had a suitcase in the car if I'd planned it We didn't even have a toothbrush - You wore a grey slip - Oyster - Oh, oyster - Oyster I kept giggling all the next day at the hospital - Who with? - No one Just everything everybody said seemed to have a double meaning What about you when you went back to the camp? Oh, it isn't really a time for giggling when you're on adjutant's parade I don't mean, did you giggle? I mean, did you tell anyone? No I think I probably just walked about with a silly smile on my face all day I couldn't get over the fact that the night before, I'd made love to the most beautiful girl I'd ever laid eyes on Oh Would you like some more hot water? - No, thank you - Right Inventive That's what writers are supposed to be And what did I come up with? Mr and Mrs Ambrose Smith Yes, but you weren't a writer then You were flustered You were young and flustered Well, considering what was about to take place, I had a right to be Yes, of course you did They must have known Mr and Mrs Ambrose Smith with red faces and no wedding ring? I think they probably did I also look guilty when I lie, you see, always have That was a little white lie Everyone tells little white lies from time to time Yes Yes, I suppose they do Why are you looking like that? Oh, I was just thinking Some white lies are whiter than others Lionel's a psychiatrist Really? How fascinating Absolutely fascinating Oh, it's just a job, really - No - Please! Look, you can follow me around all day, on your knees, if you like, but I am not treating Stephen Nobody mentioned anything about treating He just wants to talk to you In my professional capacity as a psychiatrist? Yes, but I didn't know he meant that till it was too late Presumably if he'd asked you for a judo lesson, you'd have given him one, would you? Well, of course not I don't know a thing about judo Well, I don't know anything about psychiatry Yes, well, it's much easier to pretend to be a psychiatrist than it is to be a judo player That's the most extraordinary claim I've ever heard Look, a girlfriend of mine has been to a psychiatrist once a week for months And she can hardly get a peep out of him He thinks she ought to work her own solution out by herself, so he just listens and says "I see" a lot She pays him for this, does she? Yes, she says it's doing her good Unloading her problems is doing her good - Months, you say? - Almost a year Well, I'm not seeing Stephen every week Look, he just wants a chat I'm not messing about with his mind Oh, well, let's face it There's not much to mess about with, is there? That's not the point If you told him I was a surgeon, you wouldn't ask me to take his appendix out, would you? Oh, come on! Credit me with a bit of common sense Oh, God - That'll be Stephen - What? Well, when you were in the bath, he rang and I said to come round about 10:00 You know, best to get it over with I think this is the unfairest thing anyone's ever done to me - And I do mean done - Yes, I know - Hello, Stephen - Oh, good morning Lionel, this is awfully good of you Oh, come in, Stephen Erm, go through I'll be with you in a minute Now, Lionel, please Have you just had a session? Yes, we have Extraordinary - I'll see you tonight - You can't do this Oh, I know I know Please Please, Lionel Please! Look, Stephen, I Oh This is where you want me, is it? Yes, that'll do I say, this is very relaxing It's not at all like consulting It's more like a home, really - I see - Pardon? I said, I see Poor Jean Now, why "poor Jean" again? Well, I mean, meeting him so late in life You know how fond I was of David, and I know he'd have been absolutely delighted if you'd met someone, well - What, after a decent interval? - Yes Yes, well, I know you would, but Well, now I have met Lionel But so late That's the second time you've said that We're not exactly in our dotage No, no Of course you're not And companionship can be a wonderful thing In its own way Poor Jean Penny, I think you ought to know that my relationship with Lionel goes a long way beyond companionship Good gracious Does it? Of course - You mean - Yes, of course But you didn't say Well, it's not the kind of thing you throw into the conversation right away, is it? - I think it's wonderful - Good - But you didn't say - No, we've done that one Yeah, but I mean, I've automatically put you in separate rooms Oh, oh! Oh, no Well - That's fine That's all right - No, no, no It isn't fine You should have said No, I'll change things around upstairs It won't take a jiff Good Lord! Is that the time? - I'm ready for bed - So am I I'm not I'm not tired at all - Shall I make some more coffee? - No, no, no There's no need for that I know Let's play Trivial Pursuits It's 1:00 Oh, is it? Everybody tired? Oh, all right, then I'm off, then Good night, everybody Good night - Psst, Lionel - What? - Shh Shh - What? We're in here What do you mean we're in here? - We're in here - Why? Well, Penny changed things round Oh, did she? We are guests I know we're guests, but that's no reason for her to - Well, why did she change things round? - I don't know - I better have a word - No - It was me - I see Don't smile It wasn't intentional What are we going to do? Against the grain of today's behaviour, we're going to act like grownups It is a bed made for two people True Why are you cuddling a cushion? Well, it's not just a cushion, is it? - Isn't it? - No It's another chapter for the book There isn't going to be a book And if there were, there certainly wouldn't be a chapter about cushions Not cushions This cushion - Sorry? - I do wish you'd follow my thread Where to? Never-Never Land? It's a perfectly logical train of thought Look - This could go on all day - All right, then There - Or all week - Look, where is the cushion? The cushion is on the floor Why? - Because you put it there - But why did I put it there? I can only assume that Oh At last Oh Are we alone? Er Unless there's somebody under the sofa, yes - I meant Judith or Sandy - Yes, I know you did Yes, they left a note on the fridge "Painting the town" I'm glad You're getting very liberal - I mean, I'm glad they're out - Mmm So am I At last we've got a bit of weekend to ourselves That was very well timed, wasn't it? I'm sorry, I didn't know you were going to lean on me I wasn't going to lean on you I was just going to snuggle up No, that would get in the way at the moment Oh, I'm sorry In the way of what? Well, all this should have happened all those years ago, you know? I mean, your letter would have reached me in Korea and I would have come home and Well, actually, I'd have done this But my knee wouldn't have clicked then Yes - No, it wouldn't - Yes, I will marry you Well, I haven't asked you yet Yeah, but you were going to, weren't you? Well, yes, but I'd sooner actually say it, if it's all the same to you Oh, sorry You all right down there? Yes, I'm fine Now, you may Thank you You may think that I've taken a long while getting around to this Yes! No - There is a reason - Cold feet? - May I finish or not? - Sorry, sorry I didn't really have anything to offer you, you see I mean, dribs and drabs of money from the book The odd lecture I mean, the television money, that's fine, but it won't last forever But now with a house, I can offer you something proper, something real - That's why you were going on about the money - Mmm It'll probably sound stupid but that's the way I am - No, it's not stupid - And there's something else - Oh, is there? - Yes I fell in love with you the first day I met you And I don't think I've ever stopped loving you Well, that's it, really - I love you, too - Well, that's good - Can I say yes now? - Yes, please Yes There's always something, isn't there? - What is it? - My knee's locked Doesn't matter - What you doing? - It's our wedding photographs Because? Well, a few photographs never hurt a book No, I suppose the odd holiday snap would have brightened up War and Peace.
- Well, I'll ignore that - Oh, I thought you might Now, that one would make a very nice cover Us on a cover? Do you seriously think that would be a selling point? I don't see why not We look quite respectable - Quite nice, really - Oh, well, that clinches it You can almost hear the buzz in the bookshops, can't you? "Let's buy that book with those nice, respectable people on the cover" Now, I do wish you'd be more positive about this There's certainly a chapter about the wedding Everyone loves to read about a wedding Yeah, but nothing happened - Sorry? - Well, apart from me marrying the woman I love - It was quite uneventful It wasn't a chapter - Oh I'll tell you what would make a chapter, though A long chapter - Well, that's better What? - The list of everybody you wanted to invite That would take up to 200 pages, at least - Where's your list? - It's in here - Well, how many people on that? - Seventy-eight - Seventy-eight? - Well, it'll come down a bit - Oh, really? - Yes You must be very careful not to leave people out They can get very hurt Who are all these people? - I mean who, for instance, is Sandy Gilchrist? - Sandy Gilchrist Well, he's my chiropodist He's a sweet man and he hasn't had an easy life Oh, well, if that's the criterion, that list's going to get bigger, not shorter Now, don't just make sweeping statements about it Now, just tell me one thing How on earth do you expect to get these hundreds of people into this house? There are not hundreds and that's no problem Guests spread out at a wedding reception Half of them on the roof, presumably Right, that's done it Come on - Where are you going? - We're going downstairs, come on - What, now? - Yes, now I just want to prove a point - It's 11:00 - Well, there is life after 11:00 Come on Let's clear out the cupboard under the stairs while we're at it Now, we'll move the furniture back and they'll all stand about in little groups Now, tell me, how much room does a little group take up? - I mean, say four people - Well, about About that much That's if they're all standing like this And how much would your group of four people take up? Well - Say about that much - Well, they're all really huge people, are they? No, not particularly But you don't stand about at a wedding reception with your hands at your sides I mean, people have drinks in their hands and they make gestures while they talk Gestures? You didn't say anything about flailing your arms about - Oh, maybe I exaggerated - Yes, you did Anyone who flailed their arms about like that would need a whole room to themselves Well, you gesture, then Just naturally Well, all right That's not natural Yes, it is People don't gesture like that Not unless they have extraordinarily short arms - Well, you'll need a secretary - To help me dry two coffee mugs? No, to help you with the book - You're like a terrier with a bone - Well, you will Look, it's a nonexistent book, so I'll have a nonexistent secretary How's that? Well, put your mind to it and the book could become existent That a real word? I think so Anyway, you know what I mean And if you do get down to it, then you will need a secretary - This would be a handpicked secretary, would it? - Of course Why do you ask? Just thinking about Daisy Who? The secretary I had that you didn't handpick I don't remember Well, you'll be glad to hear that we've sorted everything out And we've decided to be very large-hearted and not envy Sally Curtis because she's perfect Good And you don't have to see her again, do you? No Not unless she's so besotted with me that she can't leave me alone Ha You should be so lucky Lucky? I couldn't be doing with anybody who's perfect I much prefer you I suppose if I think about that for a very long time, I could take it as a compliment Of course Well, I better be going - You might even get to like her - Oh, now we're getting into the realms of fantasy Look, you're bigger than she is I know that! Bigger-hearted Try it Make the first move You might be surprised Are you thinking of becoming a United Nations peacekeeper? - At least give it a chance - What, 'cause I'm suddenly big-hearted? Not suddenly Oh - See you tonight - See you tonight - Good morning - Good morning I'm Daisy Sally Curtis sent me to do some secretarial work for Mr Hardcastle Oh, did she really? - Come in - Thank you Look what Sally's sent you Hello I'm Daisy Good morning Come through I've just made a pot of coffee This way Here I'll kill her I'll kill her Good morning Gwen Flack Oh, yes, Mrs Flack Do come in I'm Jean Pargetter Oh, I only know you by repute, of course I've been sent by your other branch Apparently Daisy wasn't found completely satisfactory No Apparently not Do come through Mr Hardcastle's in here - Good morning Gwen Flack - Ah Good morning This is Daisy's replacement Replacement? Apparently Daisy wasn't found completely satisfactory Wasn't she? Look, Mrs Flack, there's some fresh coffee in the kitchen Down there Why don't you go and help yourself to a cup? Well, that's very kind Very kind Don't you wrinkle your nose at me Where were we up to? - You'd just closed the bedroom door - Oh, yes Well, at the risk of sounding prurient, what happened next? I said, "Hello" But you'd just had dinner downstairs Why say hello? I don't know why I said it, I just said it Well, it doesn't sound very romantic, does it? What about something like And I know I'm not a writer, but what about something like, "Oh, my darling, you look so lovely" - I couldn't have said that - Too shy? No, Jean was in the bathroom I couldn't see her Now, I don't want you to get ahead of yourself, but did you undress? Well, I didn't jump into bed with all my clothes on Well, that brings us to the issue of socks - Does it? - Yes I know I can't speak for the whole of womankind, but a man taking his socks off last is a dead turnoff Well, you'll be thrilled to hear that I never take my socks off last - Oh, good - Anyway, after I said hello Mr Flack was rather keen on, well, that side of things And surprisingly enough, he was quite good at it I mean, for a short man And Jean said, "Yes, here I am" But he did develop this habit of taking his socks off last And it didn't do a lot for getting me in the mood, as you might say We've established that I didn't - And then - Strange things, socks I know they serve a purpose but when it comes to that side of things, they're best disposed of as quickly as possible I find that cardigans come under the same category I mean, a nice enough garment in their own right but somehow just not conducive Would you excuse me for just a moment, Mrs Flack? Yes, of course - I thought I was taking you out to lunch - You are Well, they don't serve meals in Judy's room No, I'm just sorting through some books that Judy wants me to send her - Harvey the Hamster.
Isn't she a bit old for that? - Oh, no That's one of her favourites It's a lovely book He goes to sleep in his little house at the end There's nothing like a dramatic climax Anyway, Judy wants it I shall never understand women Oh, I should give up trying Oh, look A book of love poems If I did understand women, I'd say that was more natural than a book about a hamster called Harvey It wasn't on her list Oh, look There's an inscription in it as well "To dear Judith with fondest wishes, Eric" You're going to say, "Who's Eric" now, aren't you? I'm not, as a matter of fact I shall never forget your face when you first saw him - Judy was on the rebound at the time - I know, but even so Eric Yes, even so Eric - Cheerio, then - Oh, where are you going? - Out - Anywhere special? No, just out Bye - That's significant - I thought it might be She doesn't want to be here when Eric comes I'm beginning not to want to be here when Eric comes Look, if he's very short Yes? No, I mean really short Don't stand next to him, will you? Now, don't tower over him Well, I'll just sit very low in my seat, like this When he sits down I'll pop a cushion under his little bottom I'm not sure what to do if he's a giant Why should he be a giant? Why have you entirely discounted the possibility that he could be just a very average person? Because of the way that Judy said, "We'd better get it over with" - Well, she could just have meant - Yes? - Meant - Yes? - Well, just give me a minute, will you? - Yes You see, you're beginning to have your doubts now I wish we were still in Scotland What, and have all this going on without us knowing about it? - All what going on? - Well, whatever it is Oh! He's here It's all right I'll go Well, this is no good We look as if we're waiting for him to come in - Well, we are - Yes, but we shouldn't look like it Spread out a bit Just spread out a bit Mum, Lionel, say hello to Eric Oh Hello Nice to meet you both It is customary to say hello back - Yes, of course Hello, Eric - Hello, Eric - How are you? - Oh, I'm very well, thank you And yourself? Me, oh, I'm very well Yes, I'm very well, too That's good, isn't it? - Yes, it is, all being well - Eric, would you like a drink? - Oh, no, no, no, I'll do that - No, I'll do it You all sit down Look, I'm here already You all sit down - Oh, Eric? - A soft one, please - Sorry? - Drink Oh - Eric would like a soft one, please, Judy - Yes, I heard Don't want to blot the old escutcheon after 35 years - Escutcheon? - Driving licence No, quite - Oh, thanks - Thank you - So, Eric - Yes? You've been driving for 35 years? Yes, that's right I took it up rather late, I'm afraid - Here we are - Thank you What? Oh, yes Well, here's to - To - Eric Yes? - No, I mean here's to Eric - Oh, thank you very much So, Eric, how did you find us? I've been here before Have you? Oh, yes, of course you have Silly question - We can't stay long - Oh, that's all right, Judith There's plenty of time Is there? Well, that's good, isn't it? Far less traffic on the roads, of course, when I learned to drive Oh, well, there would be I mean - There There must have been - Far less There's a great deal more now Don't you think so, Lionel? Yes, there is Definitely Far more Far more I wonder what the increase in volume is Oh, he's driven off Can't have been Eric after all - What if you were to see something? - Like what? Well, I don't know Anything What do you intend to do? Lean out of the window and shout, "Take your hands off my daughter, you dirty old man" No, of course not, but Oh, Lionel, he is too old for her, isn't he? I don't think it's any of our business Well, of course it's our business We're her parents No, we are not Well, you're her stepfather That makes me sound like someone in a pantomime Which means you have no excuse to stand back when there's a family crisis I don't consider this a crisis But what if he proposes? They've only known each other a week - Yes, but he hasn't got time on his side, has he? - Oh, for goodness' sake Joan Fontaine - What? - What? - You just said "Joan Fontaine" - Why? Well, goodness knows You're always waking up and saying strange things She was Olivia de Havilland's sister I must have nodded off and made the connection Well, if you can call it a connection, yes It's from Judy She sends her love Good How's married life? Well, it sounds very good Seems that Alistair is finally doing an impression of a real human being - Had to happen eventually - Yes Wasn't what you'd call the smoothest courtship in the world, was it? More like a running battle at times Sandy and Harry had some bumpy moments as well You can't blame the boy for liking rugby Liking? He was obsessed with it Still, they all had a happy ending - What was that song? - What song? The one about the bumpy road to love I don't know Joan Fontaine didn't sing it, did she? - Marriage? - That's right The big M That isn't what you're supposed to do next, Judy No, I know, I I just should have had some warning What was I supposed to do? Say, "Hey, I shall be proposing to you later today"? No I don't know Why? - What kind of a question is that? - It's a fairly important one Well, because Look, can we go up to your bedroom? This isn't the one about thinking more clearly when we're lying down, is it? No This is all wrong This is a kitchen You're making coffee This should be happening on a golden beach in Acapulco or a snow-covered ski lodge in Saint Moritz And would I still be making coffee? - Judy, I'm serious - Yes, I think you are So this is a kitchen You picked the time and the spot Well, could you at least stop making coffee? Sorry As I told you before, impulse is my middle name It suddenly happened to me on the way back from lunch Kaboom! Now, the furthest your impulses have ever got you before is asking me to move in with you I know And I want you to know that that offer still stands, should you say no to marriage Thank you You know, I've been thinking, I really appreciated you coming around yesterday There's nothing to appreciate I missed you But Saturdays are rugby days Postponed it - The whole game? - Nothing more to do You postponed a rugby game so that you could come and see me? No, the game was postponed - Frozen pitch - Oh, I see But I would have come round anyway - Would you really? - Of course I would As soon as the game was over It's odd, isn't it? Here we are, sitting here, talking about where we're going to live and having babies Only yesterday you were putting off having lunch with me so you could see a college friend And I'm very glad I did, Judy Because that's what really made me propose - You don't mean that it was his idea? - What, Leo? Leo once described marriage as an institution to which only lunatics get committed No, it was just seeing him again I don't follow Judy, the guy was a wreck A burnt-out shell of a man A husk So you came home and proposed to me? Well, don't you see? Leo's only a couple of years older than I am A guy can't go on burning the candle in the middle as well as at both ends forever If I don't do something about it now, I could end up like that - Which makes me the something - Well, yes What do you think I am? A Salvation Army hostel? - Judy? - You go and get yourself a nanny! Well, in his heart it's always been Judy He's just got engaged to another woman Yes, but you know what he's like He's a bit of a fly-by-night It mightn't last And that's what you want for Judy, is it? A bit of a fly-by-night? Well, at least he's a nice fly-by-night I give up I really do I wonder what this Mercury's like I'm not sure I can actually bring myself to call anyone Mercury It could be worse She could be called British Telecom It's Mercury time Look, Judy, if you don't want to go through with this Oh, Mum, I can't miss the opportunity of seeing the woman that can make Alistair propose marriage Wow - Lionel, your mouth's open - Sorry - Hello - Hello Hi, guys - Hello - Hello, Alistair - We thought that was Mercury - What, the plain girl? Will you stop frogmarching me about? Oh Sandy, I love you And I want you to marry me and come to Canada with me Oh I don't say enough, you see I mean to, but I don't, because when I do, it generally comes out all wrong anyway I'm just a copper It's not enough to offer someone like you, but I've finally realised that's all I can offer The thought of being that far away without you, the thought of you not being in my life at all, it's not on It's not on Sandy, you've got to marry me and you've got to come to Canada with me, and Well, that's it, really For somebody who doesn't say enough, you did rather well - So? - That is a yes, by the way Those whom God has joined together let no one put asunder Cheese! - Oh, lovely lunch, Lionel Thank you - All part of the friendly service - What was that main course called again? - Olivia de Havilland - Olivia de Havilland? - What? The main course was not called Olivia de Havilland I know It was beef something Why did you say Olivia de Havilland? Because that was the name of the actress we were trying to remember at lunch And it suddenly came to me But I asked you what the main course was called - Yeah, I was coming to that - Oh What a relief Yes Nothing like a sit-down after lunch No, I meant a relief that you heard the question I didn't think you'd heard the question - Pardon? - Oh, please, don't start I can't go through all that again - Oh, I got some sausages - That's nice You haven't looked at them yet No, I said, "That's nice" Oh Lionel, I think you're getting a bit deaf Pardon? Hi, Li Sorry, I forgot my key That's all right Hello, Alistair Li, could we have a word? Yes, if we must Come through Is Mum in the kitchen? Sit down, Alistair Thanks Well, this word Oh, right First of all, Li, I love you I do wish you wouldn't say things like that Okay, but it's said and it was meant Is there something wrong with your mouth? No Why? Because when you talk, your jaw keeps wobbling about and you're shouting as well - Am I? - Mmm Sorry - Is that better? - Yes, that's fine Mind you, we are sitting quite close together As long as we don't sit unnaturally close, I don't mind Okay Good Right, here goes Li, I am aware of a problem You've noticed, then No, I can't honestly say I have, because I haven't been around too much lately, but Judy has and she tells me that Sandy has, too I think we might be needing this That was Alistair on the phone He finally got around to telling Lionel and he's just stormed out of the pub Oh Oh, look, come on He's not violent, is he? Not so far, no Look, you two go There's no point in three of us getting bashed up No, we'll stay Have you never heard of girl power? Yes, I've heard of it In our days it was called flirting He doesn't sound in a very flirty mood Hello, Lionel Do you know what that fool in the pub has just told me? No Oh, yes, you do You're all in on it, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something I am not a boy - Look, nobody said - May I finish? Sorry And because I am not a boy, my knees crack if I stand up too quickly, I've been known to doze off in front of the television and, believe it or not, I admit to missing the odd word in a conversation But I am not ready for an ear trumpet yet - Have you finished? - For the moment, yes Well, firstly, no one said anything about an ear trumpet Secondly, you are not missing the odd word, you are missing more and more words all the time - Rubbish - No, Mum's right, Lionel This morning when I asked you if Mum was in the kitchen, you didn't even answer me That's 'cause I didn't know Well, what about when I came in last night? I said, "I've been to a rugby match" And you said, "Yes, I did England won" - Well, they did - Oh, really Look, before we start "oh-really-ing", consider this I think that all three of you have got unnaturally soft voices - Oh, for God's sake! - Yes, you have It's a wonder I hear anything at all with you whispering all the time - Oh, really - You're doing it again Well, really All right, what about when you're here on your own, watching television? You have the sound up full blast That's the BBC's fault The sound level's never the same for two programmes running Lionel, just stop making silly excuses and face up to facts You're making it sound like an accusation We all care about you and we want to help There's simply no point turning a blind eye to your hearing Is that a mixed metaphor? I know what it is You know and I know Consider this Consider this If I'm supposed to be getting deaf, why are we having a conversation in which, despite your soft voices, I have heard every word that you've said? It could have something to do with the fact that not one of us is more than four feet away from you Exactly Judy, stand over there Sandy, stand over here - Oh, really - Oh, don't you start - Now, Judy, say something - What? Say what? I don't know Just say anything - All right, I didn't hear it - Nor did I, actually Something about this afternoon? I just said, I think it might rain this afternoon Yes, well, say it in a normal voice I didn't ask you to whisper - I think it might rain this afternoon - No, you've already said that - Well, then, we'll get Sandy to say something - Well, Sandy Erm Why do rugby club dancers get boisterous? Well? Something about oysters? Boisterous - Well, she whispered as well - I did not - I heard every word she said - Oysters Oh, very well, then Now, you sit there - Just sit down there - Yes, all right, all right Now No, no glasses Now, what card am I holding up? Well, I don't know, it's facing you Oh, sorry Right, go on, then Er, the, er The eight of Right This one - Queen of hearts - Wrong, the king of hearts - Ah, but she did get the right suit - Right Which is clearer, the black or the red? - Oh, this is absurd - Well, of course it's absurd You don't test someone's hearing by whispering in the corners of the room any more than you test someone's eyesight by waving playing cards about Exactly, which is why although I didn't even volunteer for it, I shall be keeping my appointment with the eye specialist in the morning Now, come on, Lionel See sense I'm not having an ear trumpet How did it go? Oh, how did it go for you? Oh, fine, apart from paying his fee You know, it's just a minor alteration to the prescription, that's all Otherwise my eyesight's fine Good So is my hearing - Oh, you did go and have your ears tested - Yes There was a small problem, but it's fixed Oh, thank goodness It's remarkable, isn't it? You can't see it at all - See what? - Well, your hearing aid - I'm not wearing a hearing aid - Well, what was the small problem? Wax A build-up of wax in the ears, but I had it syringed Now everything's fine - Did it hurt? - No A bit like having a head full of water but, you know, it worked - And that's all that matters - I was worried Yes, I know I'm sorry I wasn't my usual grownup self about it - Was there a lot of wax? - Yes, quite a lot They gave it to me as a souvenir Oh And I got some more of those nice sausages as well They're in here You know, it still seems funny cooking for two - You still miss the girls, don't you? - Sometimes - Don't you? - No - Lionel - Well, on balance, I mean They're both very sweet but they do gum up the works from time to time What do you mean "gum up the works"? Well, take Casablanca.
The place? - The film - Oh - "We'll always have Paris" - Mmm - You always cry when they sing the Marseillaise.
- Of course Well, the last time that was on television, that was a time for us to be sitting together on the sofa Me with my arm around you, passing the tissues It didn't end like that, did it? The three of you sniffling on the sofa, there wasn't even room for me - You fell asleep anyway - That's irrelevant The fact is, that should have been a time for me to be alone with my girl - Girl? - Yes Well, it's bound to be on television again Well, if it is, I shan't be falling asleep You were very sweet about the girls, you know Very caring A bit like walking through a minefield sometimes, though I mean, two pretty, young girls walking around the house with practically nothing on - When? - No, they didn't actually do it They could have done That's what I meant about the minefield You did walk in on Sandy once when she was in the bath - That was the one mine I trod on - Yes, you should have seen your face You should have seen yours after you'd had time to think about it - You trying to get me drunk? - I haven't tried that since I was very young Really? What happened? I plied her with Babycham God, she could knock those back And? I tried to match her with my light ales and got legless myself The young Mr Smooth Now, what was this earlier about you being a fool? - Well, I am - No, you're not You're foolish sometimes, but never a fool I know it's irrational, but I keep thinking what would have happened if I'd been in the bath? - What would you have done? - Well, I'd have said hello Then I'd have probably sat on the edge of the bath and had a chat - Yes, exactly - Well, there's nothing wrong in that No, I know But what if it had been years ago when I was young? I'd have torn all my clothes off and jumped in with you That's what I mean Now, look, I did not consider doing that with Sandy No, I know you didn't Sometimes I think we need a translator No, we don't need a translator It's just me I suppose I'm jealous - I thought we just agreed - Not of you, of Sandy And Judy for that matter I shan't say anything I'll just nod No, but look at them They're young and they're pretty and they're here as a constant reminder And you're here And you're only a man, after all I'm not nodding at that - And what do you mean "only a man"? - Well, don't tell me you never notice them - Well, of course I notice them - Well, there you are, then There I am where? Well, chuck them both out, then - What? - Well, I can't see any other solution But we don't need a solution 'cause there isn't really a problem It's just me Well, with the best will in the world, I can't honestly say that you're young and pretty - No, I know that - But I think you're beautiful - What? - I said you're beautiful Have you had a few of those light ales before we started on the wine? That's how I see you You were beautiful when we met and you always will be It's nothing to do with a few wrinkles and an extra pound or two Or two? It's what you are, it's It's what you mean I'm not putting this very well, am I? Oh, it'll do very well, Lionel It'll do very well I think we'll leave the washing up I was just going to suggest that myself So, how often am I foolish? - I thought you might like these - Oh, thank you - Why? - To make notes Oh Jean is just about to get into bed Yes, here she comes now - I meant notes about the book - Yes, I rather thought you did Well? I'll draw you a picture of a rabbit instead - You haven't even considered it, have you? - Yes, I have I couldn't have done anything else with you going on about it all day So consider the idea considered and rejected We are not a book We're not even a paragraph We are just Mr and Mrs Hardcastle Well, I still think it's been an interesting story Of course it has But to us Because we're the actualcombatants - Combatants? - Participants So let's just keep it to ourselves, shall we? You know, meeting again after all those years, we were very lucky, weren't we? We got a second chance Some people never get a first I love you, Lionel Just as well 'Cause I love you, too If you repeat this, I shall say I was drunk But I'm glad you're back in my life again You are back in my life again, aren't you? I seem to be, yes Nice to have a friend Yes It's nice to have a friend What are you doing? - I'm giving you a friendly kiss - Oh Oh, damn and blast What now? I need a pee Oh It's The Last Waltz.
I don't suppose you have the strength to totter around, have you? I thought you'd never ask # You must remember this #A kiss is still a kiss #A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply #As time goes by #And when two lovers woo # They still say, "I love you" # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers #As time goes by #
Yes, which was very - You're struggling, aren't you? - No, I'm not I'm just searching for the right word Absorbing Yes, that's the word Perhaps to the three people who read it Did you want me? No, I just came to ask you to ask me out to lunch today Oh - Would you like to come out to lunch today? - Yes, please Now about this book Now, don't look like that Think of it as an autobiography part two There was life after Kenya There was us Meeting again after all those years Now, that was a very romantic opening - Sounds made up - Well, it wasn't And it was romantic Sticky, I'd have said Very sticky You won't be long, will you? I've got a taxi waiting, you see I shan't be a moment Honestly Mum, Sandy, Lionel - Oh, hello - Hello - Hi - Do sit down Two minutes All right Can I get you a drink? - No, thanks I've got a taxi waiting - All right - Should we get on? - Yes, of course - Ready? - Oh, yes Right - Bye-bye - Goodbye Well, how was the evening? How was Coco? He said he knew you - Did he say anything else? - No That's the trouble He wouldn't even come in He said if you remembered him, you'd know why Do you remember him? You do! That's why you got dressed up I've not got dressed up Oh, so you don't remember him, then Oh It's you It's him When was this taken? Well, as you can see, we're standing in front of a cave, dressed in skins You're smiling at each other Yes, we'd just discovered how to make fire All right It was a long time ago What happened? Well, I think we had the photograph taken, we went and had tea Come on You know what I mean Was it a romance? Judy, I was 19 Kissing in the back row of the pictures was a romance then I'm his daughter Maths never was your strong point No So, why wouldn't he come in and say hello? Well, I expect he didn't fancy a wrinklies reunion He said to ask you Well, you've asked me and I don't know and it's not important - Cheers - Cheers Oh Things change Yes Your hair is different Yes I've got a bit of grey myself - Well, at least I haven't a bald spot - Well, good for you - I have got a troublesome back - Yeah, I get cramp Oh, my God! It is a wrinklies reunion What are we doing here? Well, I'm not here to compare wrinkles I just want to set the record straight, that's all Yes, so do I So, why didn't you write? Oh, no Let's not play games Why didn't you write? Where to? Second Lieutenant Hardcastle, somewhere in Korea? - I sent you the full address as soon as I had one - Well, I didn't get a letter Well, I sent it Oh, no As ridiculously simple as that? A lost letter? Oh, dear I suppose we're in some rack somewhere Could be in the Imperial War Museum, for all we know Letter from subaltern to sweetheart, circa 1953 Or still in Korea Disintegrated in the soil I'd like to think it fed a tree - People put newspaper on their compost heaps - Yes, they do So, we finished as Korean compost I like the Imperial War Museum better Yes I think I do You didn't bother to write a second bloody letter, did you? Am I boring you? Look It's us 38 years ago - This is where we first met - I know Do you think we're in some sort of time warp? Perhaps we're hallucinating "Excuse me," you said "Could you direct me to Curzon Street?" Pretty steamy opening gambit, wasn't it? Why did you need to go to Curzon Street? I didn't It was the first street that came into my head When I told my father and mother I'd been picked up by a soldier in the park, they had a thousand fits - On the road to hell? - Something like that We didn't do that on our first date We didn't do anything on our first date You swung from the branch of a tree Oh God! So, I did - Were you impressed? - Tried not to laugh Thanks 'Course, it may not be their first date at all I hope it is - Why? - I just do So that's the first chapter done - What do you mean, done? - Well, it's all in your head, isn't it? Now, chapter two Jean and Lionel went for a nice walk - We went for dozens of walks - Not like that one We found the hotel - What hotel? - The hotel Oh, yes So, that's a chapter It wasn't as easy to find as we thought, was it? Not quite, no I wonder what happened to that footpath? It's petered out The bloody thing's simply petered out Where are you? Here - What were you doing? - I fell over Why? Are you all right? I'm wonderful I'm having a wonderful walk Look, it was as much your idea as mine A bigger man wouldn't have said that Well, I'm not a bigger man I'm a lost man - Which way shall we go? - I don't know I'm not an Indian scout And where have the woods gone? I can't see any woods I'd settle for a road I can see some telegraph poles What do you intend to do? Shin up one and find out where we are? Telegraph poles mean a road Unless they're going across a field - Have you got any better ideas? - Yes Wait for Humphrey Bogart to come along, towing the African Queen and ask him the way And now you've looked us up again Well, not so much looked you up as stumbled through a hedge and found you Did you work here in 1953? Oh, no, dear I was still at school Enjoy your tea At least she was alive in 1953 I knew someone had to be We should have gone to Eastbourne We'd be comparative striplings in Eastbourne You'd have wowed them with your trainers Well, there's a first time for everything, I suppose Yes I suppose so Why are you smiling? Nice tea Yeah, I know it's a nice tea - But you don't smile like that over a nice tea - Well, I do What do you do if you have a nice dinner? Shriek with laughter? The honey's nice Look, I'm not a fool You're not smiling about the tea and the honey You're smiling about something else - All right, I am - What? I don't feel like telling you - Oh, aren't we a little old for games? - It's not games If you don't know why I smile, then I'm not telling you, 'cause you should - Should what? - Know - Well, I don't - Oh, have some honey I don't want any honey - It's not the shoes, they're not that funny - No, it's not the shoes I haven't got mud on my face, have I? Look, why are you suddenly so concerned about your personal appearance? - I've lost interest in this conversation - So have I Funny being back there Yes, funny It was smaller than I remember From the outside Then I suppose it never had more than 12 rooms or so Good God - I've just remembered something - Oh? Here Then In one of those 12 rooms or so, we made love for the first time Did we really? That's why you were smiling You remembered So why didn't you say so? I didn't want to be the only one who did remember Yes, I see Room eight With the squeaky door Mr and Mrs Ambrose Smith I always wondered why you added the Ambrose I didn't want to be too obvious Oh Do you think they knew? Well, as we had no luggage and were both as red as beetroots, I think they must have done Now you're smiling I was just thinking of the 28 cups of coffee we had after dinner before we went up to the room It wasn't really 28 - Seemed like it - You kept ordering them - I didn't want to rush you - Oh - I've always wondered, did you plan that night? - Oh, give me some credit I'd have had a suitcase in the car if I'd planned it We didn't even have a toothbrush - You wore a grey slip - Oyster - Oh, oyster - Oyster I kept giggling all the next day at the hospital - Who with? - No one Just everything everybody said seemed to have a double meaning What about you when you went back to the camp? Oh, it isn't really a time for giggling when you're on adjutant's parade I don't mean, did you giggle? I mean, did you tell anyone? No I think I probably just walked about with a silly smile on my face all day I couldn't get over the fact that the night before, I'd made love to the most beautiful girl I'd ever laid eyes on Oh Would you like some more hot water? - No, thank you - Right Inventive That's what writers are supposed to be And what did I come up with? Mr and Mrs Ambrose Smith Yes, but you weren't a writer then You were flustered You were young and flustered Well, considering what was about to take place, I had a right to be Yes, of course you did They must have known Mr and Mrs Ambrose Smith with red faces and no wedding ring? I think they probably did I also look guilty when I lie, you see, always have That was a little white lie Everyone tells little white lies from time to time Yes Yes, I suppose they do Why are you looking like that? Oh, I was just thinking Some white lies are whiter than others Lionel's a psychiatrist Really? How fascinating Absolutely fascinating Oh, it's just a job, really - No - Please! Look, you can follow me around all day, on your knees, if you like, but I am not treating Stephen Nobody mentioned anything about treating He just wants to talk to you In my professional capacity as a psychiatrist? Yes, but I didn't know he meant that till it was too late Presumably if he'd asked you for a judo lesson, you'd have given him one, would you? Well, of course not I don't know a thing about judo Well, I don't know anything about psychiatry Yes, well, it's much easier to pretend to be a psychiatrist than it is to be a judo player That's the most extraordinary claim I've ever heard Look, a girlfriend of mine has been to a psychiatrist once a week for months And she can hardly get a peep out of him He thinks she ought to work her own solution out by herself, so he just listens and says "I see" a lot She pays him for this, does she? Yes, she says it's doing her good Unloading her problems is doing her good - Months, you say? - Almost a year Well, I'm not seeing Stephen every week Look, he just wants a chat I'm not messing about with his mind Oh, well, let's face it There's not much to mess about with, is there? That's not the point If you told him I was a surgeon, you wouldn't ask me to take his appendix out, would you? Oh, come on! Credit me with a bit of common sense Oh, God - That'll be Stephen - What? Well, when you were in the bath, he rang and I said to come round about 10:00 You know, best to get it over with I think this is the unfairest thing anyone's ever done to me - And I do mean done - Yes, I know - Hello, Stephen - Oh, good morning Lionel, this is awfully good of you Oh, come in, Stephen Erm, go through I'll be with you in a minute Now, Lionel, please Have you just had a session? Yes, we have Extraordinary - I'll see you tonight - You can't do this Oh, I know I know Please Please, Lionel Please! Look, Stephen, I Oh This is where you want me, is it? Yes, that'll do I say, this is very relaxing It's not at all like consulting It's more like a home, really - I see - Pardon? I said, I see Poor Jean Now, why "poor Jean" again? Well, I mean, meeting him so late in life You know how fond I was of David, and I know he'd have been absolutely delighted if you'd met someone, well - What, after a decent interval? - Yes Yes, well, I know you would, but Well, now I have met Lionel But so late That's the second time you've said that We're not exactly in our dotage No, no Of course you're not And companionship can be a wonderful thing In its own way Poor Jean Penny, I think you ought to know that my relationship with Lionel goes a long way beyond companionship Good gracious Does it? Of course - You mean - Yes, of course But you didn't say Well, it's not the kind of thing you throw into the conversation right away, is it? - I think it's wonderful - Good - But you didn't say - No, we've done that one Yeah, but I mean, I've automatically put you in separate rooms Oh, oh! Oh, no Well - That's fine That's all right - No, no, no It isn't fine You should have said No, I'll change things around upstairs It won't take a jiff Good Lord! Is that the time? - I'm ready for bed - So am I I'm not I'm not tired at all - Shall I make some more coffee? - No, no, no There's no need for that I know Let's play Trivial Pursuits It's 1:00 Oh, is it? Everybody tired? Oh, all right, then I'm off, then Good night, everybody Good night - Psst, Lionel - What? - Shh Shh - What? We're in here What do you mean we're in here? - We're in here - Why? Well, Penny changed things round Oh, did she? We are guests I know we're guests, but that's no reason for her to - Well, why did she change things round? - I don't know - I better have a word - No - It was me - I see Don't smile It wasn't intentional What are we going to do? Against the grain of today's behaviour, we're going to act like grownups It is a bed made for two people True Why are you cuddling a cushion? Well, it's not just a cushion, is it? - Isn't it? - No It's another chapter for the book There isn't going to be a book And if there were, there certainly wouldn't be a chapter about cushions Not cushions This cushion - Sorry? - I do wish you'd follow my thread Where to? Never-Never Land? It's a perfectly logical train of thought Look - This could go on all day - All right, then There - Or all week - Look, where is the cushion? The cushion is on the floor Why? - Because you put it there - But why did I put it there? I can only assume that Oh At last Oh Are we alone? Er Unless there's somebody under the sofa, yes - I meant Judith or Sandy - Yes, I know you did Yes, they left a note on the fridge "Painting the town" I'm glad You're getting very liberal - I mean, I'm glad they're out - Mmm So am I At last we've got a bit of weekend to ourselves That was very well timed, wasn't it? I'm sorry, I didn't know you were going to lean on me I wasn't going to lean on you I was just going to snuggle up No, that would get in the way at the moment Oh, I'm sorry In the way of what? Well, all this should have happened all those years ago, you know? I mean, your letter would have reached me in Korea and I would have come home and Well, actually, I'd have done this But my knee wouldn't have clicked then Yes - No, it wouldn't - Yes, I will marry you Well, I haven't asked you yet Yeah, but you were going to, weren't you? Well, yes, but I'd sooner actually say it, if it's all the same to you Oh, sorry You all right down there? Yes, I'm fine Now, you may Thank you You may think that I've taken a long while getting around to this Yes! No - There is a reason - Cold feet? - May I finish or not? - Sorry, sorry I didn't really have anything to offer you, you see I mean, dribs and drabs of money from the book The odd lecture I mean, the television money, that's fine, but it won't last forever But now with a house, I can offer you something proper, something real - That's why you were going on about the money - Mmm It'll probably sound stupid but that's the way I am - No, it's not stupid - And there's something else - Oh, is there? - Yes I fell in love with you the first day I met you And I don't think I've ever stopped loving you Well, that's it, really - I love you, too - Well, that's good - Can I say yes now? - Yes, please Yes There's always something, isn't there? - What is it? - My knee's locked Doesn't matter - What you doing? - It's our wedding photographs Because? Well, a few photographs never hurt a book No, I suppose the odd holiday snap would have brightened up War and Peace.
- Well, I'll ignore that - Oh, I thought you might Now, that one would make a very nice cover Us on a cover? Do you seriously think that would be a selling point? I don't see why not We look quite respectable - Quite nice, really - Oh, well, that clinches it You can almost hear the buzz in the bookshops, can't you? "Let's buy that book with those nice, respectable people on the cover" Now, I do wish you'd be more positive about this There's certainly a chapter about the wedding Everyone loves to read about a wedding Yeah, but nothing happened - Sorry? - Well, apart from me marrying the woman I love - It was quite uneventful It wasn't a chapter - Oh I'll tell you what would make a chapter, though A long chapter - Well, that's better What? - The list of everybody you wanted to invite That would take up to 200 pages, at least - Where's your list? - It's in here - Well, how many people on that? - Seventy-eight - Seventy-eight? - Well, it'll come down a bit - Oh, really? - Yes You must be very careful not to leave people out They can get very hurt Who are all these people? - I mean who, for instance, is Sandy Gilchrist? - Sandy Gilchrist Well, he's my chiropodist He's a sweet man and he hasn't had an easy life Oh, well, if that's the criterion, that list's going to get bigger, not shorter Now, don't just make sweeping statements about it Now, just tell me one thing How on earth do you expect to get these hundreds of people into this house? There are not hundreds and that's no problem Guests spread out at a wedding reception Half of them on the roof, presumably Right, that's done it Come on - Where are you going? - We're going downstairs, come on - What, now? - Yes, now I just want to prove a point - It's 11:00 - Well, there is life after 11:00 Come on Let's clear out the cupboard under the stairs while we're at it Now, we'll move the furniture back and they'll all stand about in little groups Now, tell me, how much room does a little group take up? - I mean, say four people - Well, about About that much That's if they're all standing like this And how much would your group of four people take up? Well - Say about that much - Well, they're all really huge people, are they? No, not particularly But you don't stand about at a wedding reception with your hands at your sides I mean, people have drinks in their hands and they make gestures while they talk Gestures? You didn't say anything about flailing your arms about - Oh, maybe I exaggerated - Yes, you did Anyone who flailed their arms about like that would need a whole room to themselves Well, you gesture, then Just naturally Well, all right That's not natural Yes, it is People don't gesture like that Not unless they have extraordinarily short arms - Well, you'll need a secretary - To help me dry two coffee mugs? No, to help you with the book - You're like a terrier with a bone - Well, you will Look, it's a nonexistent book, so I'll have a nonexistent secretary How's that? Well, put your mind to it and the book could become existent That a real word? I think so Anyway, you know what I mean And if you do get down to it, then you will need a secretary - This would be a handpicked secretary, would it? - Of course Why do you ask? Just thinking about Daisy Who? The secretary I had that you didn't handpick I don't remember Well, you'll be glad to hear that we've sorted everything out And we've decided to be very large-hearted and not envy Sally Curtis because she's perfect Good And you don't have to see her again, do you? No Not unless she's so besotted with me that she can't leave me alone Ha You should be so lucky Lucky? I couldn't be doing with anybody who's perfect I much prefer you I suppose if I think about that for a very long time, I could take it as a compliment Of course Well, I better be going - You might even get to like her - Oh, now we're getting into the realms of fantasy Look, you're bigger than she is I know that! Bigger-hearted Try it Make the first move You might be surprised Are you thinking of becoming a United Nations peacekeeper? - At least give it a chance - What, 'cause I'm suddenly big-hearted? Not suddenly Oh - See you tonight - See you tonight - Good morning - Good morning I'm Daisy Sally Curtis sent me to do some secretarial work for Mr Hardcastle Oh, did she really? - Come in - Thank you Look what Sally's sent you Hello I'm Daisy Good morning Come through I've just made a pot of coffee This way Here I'll kill her I'll kill her Good morning Gwen Flack Oh, yes, Mrs Flack Do come in I'm Jean Pargetter Oh, I only know you by repute, of course I've been sent by your other branch Apparently Daisy wasn't found completely satisfactory No Apparently not Do come through Mr Hardcastle's in here - Good morning Gwen Flack - Ah Good morning This is Daisy's replacement Replacement? Apparently Daisy wasn't found completely satisfactory Wasn't she? Look, Mrs Flack, there's some fresh coffee in the kitchen Down there Why don't you go and help yourself to a cup? Well, that's very kind Very kind Don't you wrinkle your nose at me Where were we up to? - You'd just closed the bedroom door - Oh, yes Well, at the risk of sounding prurient, what happened next? I said, "Hello" But you'd just had dinner downstairs Why say hello? I don't know why I said it, I just said it Well, it doesn't sound very romantic, does it? What about something like And I know I'm not a writer, but what about something like, "Oh, my darling, you look so lovely" - I couldn't have said that - Too shy? No, Jean was in the bathroom I couldn't see her Now, I don't want you to get ahead of yourself, but did you undress? Well, I didn't jump into bed with all my clothes on Well, that brings us to the issue of socks - Does it? - Yes I know I can't speak for the whole of womankind, but a man taking his socks off last is a dead turnoff Well, you'll be thrilled to hear that I never take my socks off last - Oh, good - Anyway, after I said hello Mr Flack was rather keen on, well, that side of things And surprisingly enough, he was quite good at it I mean, for a short man And Jean said, "Yes, here I am" But he did develop this habit of taking his socks off last And it didn't do a lot for getting me in the mood, as you might say We've established that I didn't - And then - Strange things, socks I know they serve a purpose but when it comes to that side of things, they're best disposed of as quickly as possible I find that cardigans come under the same category I mean, a nice enough garment in their own right but somehow just not conducive Would you excuse me for just a moment, Mrs Flack? Yes, of course - I thought I was taking you out to lunch - You are Well, they don't serve meals in Judy's room No, I'm just sorting through some books that Judy wants me to send her - Harvey the Hamster.
Isn't she a bit old for that? - Oh, no That's one of her favourites It's a lovely book He goes to sleep in his little house at the end There's nothing like a dramatic climax Anyway, Judy wants it I shall never understand women Oh, I should give up trying Oh, look A book of love poems If I did understand women, I'd say that was more natural than a book about a hamster called Harvey It wasn't on her list Oh, look There's an inscription in it as well "To dear Judith with fondest wishes, Eric" You're going to say, "Who's Eric" now, aren't you? I'm not, as a matter of fact I shall never forget your face when you first saw him - Judy was on the rebound at the time - I know, but even so Eric Yes, even so Eric - Cheerio, then - Oh, where are you going? - Out - Anywhere special? No, just out Bye - That's significant - I thought it might be She doesn't want to be here when Eric comes I'm beginning not to want to be here when Eric comes Look, if he's very short Yes? No, I mean really short Don't stand next to him, will you? Now, don't tower over him Well, I'll just sit very low in my seat, like this When he sits down I'll pop a cushion under his little bottom I'm not sure what to do if he's a giant Why should he be a giant? Why have you entirely discounted the possibility that he could be just a very average person? Because of the way that Judy said, "We'd better get it over with" - Well, she could just have meant - Yes? - Meant - Yes? - Well, just give me a minute, will you? - Yes You see, you're beginning to have your doubts now I wish we were still in Scotland What, and have all this going on without us knowing about it? - All what going on? - Well, whatever it is Oh! He's here It's all right I'll go Well, this is no good We look as if we're waiting for him to come in - Well, we are - Yes, but we shouldn't look like it Spread out a bit Just spread out a bit Mum, Lionel, say hello to Eric Oh Hello Nice to meet you both It is customary to say hello back - Yes, of course Hello, Eric - Hello, Eric - How are you? - Oh, I'm very well, thank you And yourself? Me, oh, I'm very well Yes, I'm very well, too That's good, isn't it? - Yes, it is, all being well - Eric, would you like a drink? - Oh, no, no, no, I'll do that - No, I'll do it You all sit down Look, I'm here already You all sit down - Oh, Eric? - A soft one, please - Sorry? - Drink Oh - Eric would like a soft one, please, Judy - Yes, I heard Don't want to blot the old escutcheon after 35 years - Escutcheon? - Driving licence No, quite - Oh, thanks - Thank you - So, Eric - Yes? You've been driving for 35 years? Yes, that's right I took it up rather late, I'm afraid - Here we are - Thank you What? Oh, yes Well, here's to - To - Eric Yes? - No, I mean here's to Eric - Oh, thank you very much So, Eric, how did you find us? I've been here before Have you? Oh, yes, of course you have Silly question - We can't stay long - Oh, that's all right, Judith There's plenty of time Is there? Well, that's good, isn't it? Far less traffic on the roads, of course, when I learned to drive Oh, well, there would be I mean - There There must have been - Far less There's a great deal more now Don't you think so, Lionel? Yes, there is Definitely Far more Far more I wonder what the increase in volume is Oh, he's driven off Can't have been Eric after all - What if you were to see something? - Like what? Well, I don't know Anything What do you intend to do? Lean out of the window and shout, "Take your hands off my daughter, you dirty old man" No, of course not, but Oh, Lionel, he is too old for her, isn't he? I don't think it's any of our business Well, of course it's our business We're her parents No, we are not Well, you're her stepfather That makes me sound like someone in a pantomime Which means you have no excuse to stand back when there's a family crisis I don't consider this a crisis But what if he proposes? They've only known each other a week - Yes, but he hasn't got time on his side, has he? - Oh, for goodness' sake Joan Fontaine - What? - What? - You just said "Joan Fontaine" - Why? Well, goodness knows You're always waking up and saying strange things She was Olivia de Havilland's sister I must have nodded off and made the connection Well, if you can call it a connection, yes It's from Judy She sends her love Good How's married life? Well, it sounds very good Seems that Alistair is finally doing an impression of a real human being - Had to happen eventually - Yes Wasn't what you'd call the smoothest courtship in the world, was it? More like a running battle at times Sandy and Harry had some bumpy moments as well You can't blame the boy for liking rugby Liking? He was obsessed with it Still, they all had a happy ending - What was that song? - What song? The one about the bumpy road to love I don't know Joan Fontaine didn't sing it, did she? - Marriage? - That's right The big M That isn't what you're supposed to do next, Judy No, I know, I I just should have had some warning What was I supposed to do? Say, "Hey, I shall be proposing to you later today"? No I don't know Why? - What kind of a question is that? - It's a fairly important one Well, because Look, can we go up to your bedroom? This isn't the one about thinking more clearly when we're lying down, is it? No This is all wrong This is a kitchen You're making coffee This should be happening on a golden beach in Acapulco or a snow-covered ski lodge in Saint Moritz And would I still be making coffee? - Judy, I'm serious - Yes, I think you are So this is a kitchen You picked the time and the spot Well, could you at least stop making coffee? Sorry As I told you before, impulse is my middle name It suddenly happened to me on the way back from lunch Kaboom! Now, the furthest your impulses have ever got you before is asking me to move in with you I know And I want you to know that that offer still stands, should you say no to marriage Thank you You know, I've been thinking, I really appreciated you coming around yesterday There's nothing to appreciate I missed you But Saturdays are rugby days Postponed it - The whole game? - Nothing more to do You postponed a rugby game so that you could come and see me? No, the game was postponed - Frozen pitch - Oh, I see But I would have come round anyway - Would you really? - Of course I would As soon as the game was over It's odd, isn't it? Here we are, sitting here, talking about where we're going to live and having babies Only yesterday you were putting off having lunch with me so you could see a college friend And I'm very glad I did, Judy Because that's what really made me propose - You don't mean that it was his idea? - What, Leo? Leo once described marriage as an institution to which only lunatics get committed No, it was just seeing him again I don't follow Judy, the guy was a wreck A burnt-out shell of a man A husk So you came home and proposed to me? Well, don't you see? Leo's only a couple of years older than I am A guy can't go on burning the candle in the middle as well as at both ends forever If I don't do something about it now, I could end up like that - Which makes me the something - Well, yes What do you think I am? A Salvation Army hostel? - Judy? - You go and get yourself a nanny! Well, in his heart it's always been Judy He's just got engaged to another woman Yes, but you know what he's like He's a bit of a fly-by-night It mightn't last And that's what you want for Judy, is it? A bit of a fly-by-night? Well, at least he's a nice fly-by-night I give up I really do I wonder what this Mercury's like I'm not sure I can actually bring myself to call anyone Mercury It could be worse She could be called British Telecom It's Mercury time Look, Judy, if you don't want to go through with this Oh, Mum, I can't miss the opportunity of seeing the woman that can make Alistair propose marriage Wow - Lionel, your mouth's open - Sorry - Hello - Hello Hi, guys - Hello - Hello, Alistair - We thought that was Mercury - What, the plain girl? Will you stop frogmarching me about? Oh Sandy, I love you And I want you to marry me and come to Canada with me Oh I don't say enough, you see I mean to, but I don't, because when I do, it generally comes out all wrong anyway I'm just a copper It's not enough to offer someone like you, but I've finally realised that's all I can offer The thought of being that far away without you, the thought of you not being in my life at all, it's not on It's not on Sandy, you've got to marry me and you've got to come to Canada with me, and Well, that's it, really For somebody who doesn't say enough, you did rather well - So? - That is a yes, by the way Those whom God has joined together let no one put asunder Cheese! - Oh, lovely lunch, Lionel Thank you - All part of the friendly service - What was that main course called again? - Olivia de Havilland - Olivia de Havilland? - What? The main course was not called Olivia de Havilland I know It was beef something Why did you say Olivia de Havilland? Because that was the name of the actress we were trying to remember at lunch And it suddenly came to me But I asked you what the main course was called - Yeah, I was coming to that - Oh What a relief Yes Nothing like a sit-down after lunch No, I meant a relief that you heard the question I didn't think you'd heard the question - Pardon? - Oh, please, don't start I can't go through all that again - Oh, I got some sausages - That's nice You haven't looked at them yet No, I said, "That's nice" Oh Lionel, I think you're getting a bit deaf Pardon? Hi, Li Sorry, I forgot my key That's all right Hello, Alistair Li, could we have a word? Yes, if we must Come through Is Mum in the kitchen? Sit down, Alistair Thanks Well, this word Oh, right First of all, Li, I love you I do wish you wouldn't say things like that Okay, but it's said and it was meant Is there something wrong with your mouth? No Why? Because when you talk, your jaw keeps wobbling about and you're shouting as well - Am I? - Mmm Sorry - Is that better? - Yes, that's fine Mind you, we are sitting quite close together As long as we don't sit unnaturally close, I don't mind Okay Good Right, here goes Li, I am aware of a problem You've noticed, then No, I can't honestly say I have, because I haven't been around too much lately, but Judy has and she tells me that Sandy has, too I think we might be needing this That was Alistair on the phone He finally got around to telling Lionel and he's just stormed out of the pub Oh Oh, look, come on He's not violent, is he? Not so far, no Look, you two go There's no point in three of us getting bashed up No, we'll stay Have you never heard of girl power? Yes, I've heard of it In our days it was called flirting He doesn't sound in a very flirty mood Hello, Lionel Do you know what that fool in the pub has just told me? No Oh, yes, you do You're all in on it, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something I am not a boy - Look, nobody said - May I finish? Sorry And because I am not a boy, my knees crack if I stand up too quickly, I've been known to doze off in front of the television and, believe it or not, I admit to missing the odd word in a conversation But I am not ready for an ear trumpet yet - Have you finished? - For the moment, yes Well, firstly, no one said anything about an ear trumpet Secondly, you are not missing the odd word, you are missing more and more words all the time - Rubbish - No, Mum's right, Lionel This morning when I asked you if Mum was in the kitchen, you didn't even answer me That's 'cause I didn't know Well, what about when I came in last night? I said, "I've been to a rugby match" And you said, "Yes, I did England won" - Well, they did - Oh, really Look, before we start "oh-really-ing", consider this I think that all three of you have got unnaturally soft voices - Oh, for God's sake! - Yes, you have It's a wonder I hear anything at all with you whispering all the time - Oh, really - You're doing it again Well, really All right, what about when you're here on your own, watching television? You have the sound up full blast That's the BBC's fault The sound level's never the same for two programmes running Lionel, just stop making silly excuses and face up to facts You're making it sound like an accusation We all care about you and we want to help There's simply no point turning a blind eye to your hearing Is that a mixed metaphor? I know what it is You know and I know Consider this Consider this If I'm supposed to be getting deaf, why are we having a conversation in which, despite your soft voices, I have heard every word that you've said? It could have something to do with the fact that not one of us is more than four feet away from you Exactly Judy, stand over there Sandy, stand over here - Oh, really - Oh, don't you start - Now, Judy, say something - What? Say what? I don't know Just say anything - All right, I didn't hear it - Nor did I, actually Something about this afternoon? I just said, I think it might rain this afternoon Yes, well, say it in a normal voice I didn't ask you to whisper - I think it might rain this afternoon - No, you've already said that - Well, then, we'll get Sandy to say something - Well, Sandy Erm Why do rugby club dancers get boisterous? Well? Something about oysters? Boisterous - Well, she whispered as well - I did not - I heard every word she said - Oysters Oh, very well, then Now, you sit there - Just sit down there - Yes, all right, all right Now No, no glasses Now, what card am I holding up? Well, I don't know, it's facing you Oh, sorry Right, go on, then Er, the, er The eight of Right This one - Queen of hearts - Wrong, the king of hearts - Ah, but she did get the right suit - Right Which is clearer, the black or the red? - Oh, this is absurd - Well, of course it's absurd You don't test someone's hearing by whispering in the corners of the room any more than you test someone's eyesight by waving playing cards about Exactly, which is why although I didn't even volunteer for it, I shall be keeping my appointment with the eye specialist in the morning Now, come on, Lionel See sense I'm not having an ear trumpet How did it go? Oh, how did it go for you? Oh, fine, apart from paying his fee You know, it's just a minor alteration to the prescription, that's all Otherwise my eyesight's fine Good So is my hearing - Oh, you did go and have your ears tested - Yes There was a small problem, but it's fixed Oh, thank goodness It's remarkable, isn't it? You can't see it at all - See what? - Well, your hearing aid - I'm not wearing a hearing aid - Well, what was the small problem? Wax A build-up of wax in the ears, but I had it syringed Now everything's fine - Did it hurt? - No A bit like having a head full of water but, you know, it worked - And that's all that matters - I was worried Yes, I know I'm sorry I wasn't my usual grownup self about it - Was there a lot of wax? - Yes, quite a lot They gave it to me as a souvenir Oh And I got some more of those nice sausages as well They're in here You know, it still seems funny cooking for two - You still miss the girls, don't you? - Sometimes - Don't you? - No - Lionel - Well, on balance, I mean They're both very sweet but they do gum up the works from time to time What do you mean "gum up the works"? Well, take Casablanca.
The place? - The film - Oh - "We'll always have Paris" - Mmm - You always cry when they sing the Marseillaise.
- Of course Well, the last time that was on television, that was a time for us to be sitting together on the sofa Me with my arm around you, passing the tissues It didn't end like that, did it? The three of you sniffling on the sofa, there wasn't even room for me - You fell asleep anyway - That's irrelevant The fact is, that should have been a time for me to be alone with my girl - Girl? - Yes Well, it's bound to be on television again Well, if it is, I shan't be falling asleep You were very sweet about the girls, you know Very caring A bit like walking through a minefield sometimes, though I mean, two pretty, young girls walking around the house with practically nothing on - When? - No, they didn't actually do it They could have done That's what I meant about the minefield You did walk in on Sandy once when she was in the bath - That was the one mine I trod on - Yes, you should have seen your face You should have seen yours after you'd had time to think about it - You trying to get me drunk? - I haven't tried that since I was very young Really? What happened? I plied her with Babycham God, she could knock those back And? I tried to match her with my light ales and got legless myself The young Mr Smooth Now, what was this earlier about you being a fool? - Well, I am - No, you're not You're foolish sometimes, but never a fool I know it's irrational, but I keep thinking what would have happened if I'd been in the bath? - What would you have done? - Well, I'd have said hello Then I'd have probably sat on the edge of the bath and had a chat - Yes, exactly - Well, there's nothing wrong in that No, I know But what if it had been years ago when I was young? I'd have torn all my clothes off and jumped in with you That's what I mean Now, look, I did not consider doing that with Sandy No, I know you didn't Sometimes I think we need a translator No, we don't need a translator It's just me I suppose I'm jealous - I thought we just agreed - Not of you, of Sandy And Judy for that matter I shan't say anything I'll just nod No, but look at them They're young and they're pretty and they're here as a constant reminder And you're here And you're only a man, after all I'm not nodding at that - And what do you mean "only a man"? - Well, don't tell me you never notice them - Well, of course I notice them - Well, there you are, then There I am where? Well, chuck them both out, then - What? - Well, I can't see any other solution But we don't need a solution 'cause there isn't really a problem It's just me Well, with the best will in the world, I can't honestly say that you're young and pretty - No, I know that - But I think you're beautiful - What? - I said you're beautiful Have you had a few of those light ales before we started on the wine? That's how I see you You were beautiful when we met and you always will be It's nothing to do with a few wrinkles and an extra pound or two Or two? It's what you are, it's It's what you mean I'm not putting this very well, am I? Oh, it'll do very well, Lionel It'll do very well I think we'll leave the washing up I was just going to suggest that myself So, how often am I foolish? - I thought you might like these - Oh, thank you - Why? - To make notes Oh Jean is just about to get into bed Yes, here she comes now - I meant notes about the book - Yes, I rather thought you did Well? I'll draw you a picture of a rabbit instead - You haven't even considered it, have you? - Yes, I have I couldn't have done anything else with you going on about it all day So consider the idea considered and rejected We are not a book We're not even a paragraph We are just Mr and Mrs Hardcastle Well, I still think it's been an interesting story Of course it has But to us Because we're the actualcombatants - Combatants? - Participants So let's just keep it to ourselves, shall we? You know, meeting again after all those years, we were very lucky, weren't we? We got a second chance Some people never get a first I love you, Lionel Just as well 'Cause I love you, too If you repeat this, I shall say I was drunk But I'm glad you're back in my life again You are back in my life again, aren't you? I seem to be, yes Nice to have a friend Yes It's nice to have a friend What are you doing? - I'm giving you a friendly kiss - Oh Oh, damn and blast What now? I need a pee Oh It's The Last Waltz.
I don't suppose you have the strength to totter around, have you? I thought you'd never ask # You must remember this #A kiss is still a kiss #A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply #As time goes by #And when two lovers woo # They still say, "I love you" # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers #As time goes by #