At Last the 1948 Show (1967) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 (FANFARE PLAYS) (MUSIC: "FLIGHT OF THE VALKYRIES" BY WAGNER) NARRATOR: This is the big one! Never before has the screen held scenes of such searing action.
Never before such a star-studded cast (MUSIC: "THE CORSAIR OVERTURE" BY BERLIOZ) Tempestuous Tim Brooke-Taylor in the role of a lifetime.
You loved with him in "Song of Budapest".
You rode with him in "Desert Tigers".
You fought with him in "Old Vienna".
- Why can't you leave me alone? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (MUSIC: "FIFTH SYMPHONY" BY BEETHOVEN) NARRATOR: Enigmatic Graham Chapman at his most enigmatic as Captain Tab Boob-Groper - (MUSIC STOPS) - (HE GASPS) - Indians? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (MUSIC: "A NIGHT ON BARE MOUNTAIN" BY MUSSORGSKY) NARRATOR: Introducing enchanting child star Marty Feldman as the sinister Count Mollusc.
(MUSIC STOPS) My life, have I got news for you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (MUSIC: "ROSE OF ENGLAND" BY IVOR NOVELLO) NARRATOR: Vivacious John Cleese and his fire-eating penguin as the eminent, power-seeking QC Sir Habbakuk Vulture Pant Where were you on the evening of 14th July? WITNESS: Why? Well, I waited up all night for you and you never came home! NARRATOR: From the pages Of Leo de Groot's great classic ",A Better Life Through Herbal Tobacco" Rediffusion presents At Last The 1948 Show And introducing your hostess for tonight.
.
Aimi MacDonald (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) - Hello, I'm your hostess for tonight.
- (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) and I know we're going to have just lots of fun.
- Well, that's quite enough of me.
- (SHE GIGGLES) And so, I'd like to introduce the first item.
The first item.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Ah, come in Mr Potter.
Very nice to see you again, sir.
My name is Wilson and I've never seen you before.
Splendid, splendid.
I do hope you haven't been waiting long.
I've been waiting for just over two days.
My appointment was for Wednesday at twelve o'clock.
It's now Friday evening.
Yes, well I'm afraid the last patient did take rather a long time.
And yesterday was such a lovely day.
Actually I was hoping to get away early this afternoon.
Are there many still in the waiting room? There are over 150 people in the waiting room.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) it's a very small waiting room and it's a very hot day.
Isn't it hot? Yes, isn't it hot? There is also a dead dog in the waiting room.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh dear, is that still there? Hm, yes.
I must remember to get it moved.
Now, what have you come to see me about? Don't be shy, you can tell me.
Do you want to join the police or is it singing lessons? - It's my legs.
- Your legs? Trouble with your legs, eh? Well, you've come to the right man.
I'm a doctor, you know.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - A fully qualified doctor.
And I can speak French and I can ski.
Now, what sort of a hat were you thinking of? - A nice tall one with a big brim? - It's my legs! - I've come to see about my legs.
- Your legs? - Are they ill? Are your legs ill? - They're getting thin.
Ah! An attack of thin legs! Well, well, well, it has been a good week! Two trench mouths, a parrot fever and now thin legs.
Well, well, well! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - How thin? Embarrassingly thin.
Embarrassingly thin legs, eh? Well, let's have a look at them then.
Take your bags down.
Come on, come on! They are thin, aren't they? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) DOCTOR: They are thin! Aren't they thin? (IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): They're fantastically thin! DOCTOR: Look at old spindleshanks! - Doctor, I didn't come here to be insulted! - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That was unprofessional, I'm sorry.
Uh, do you think I could ask the people in the waiting room just to come in and have a quick look? No! Alright, put your bags back on, then.
Uh, nurse.
I may want you in a moment, darling.
So get some clothes on.
- Uh now, Mr Potter.
- Wilson.
Mr Wilson, how's the eyesight? Can you read this card? - Yes.
- Well? A-J-G-4-7-3-2-1-O-K-B - 4-8-1-O-B - Yes.
It's from my aunt in Brighton.
She must be out of her mind.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Now, uh Legs, legs, legs, legs, legs.
Can you touch your toes alright? - No.
- You can't touch your toes? Well, how do you wash them then, you dirty little man? Grubbing round my surgery with your filthy feet! Urgh! Urgh! Can you stand on one leg? Now open your mouth.
- Does that hurt? - Uh.
No? Alright, now blink your left eye and move your right arm up and down by the side of your body.
That's it, good.
Now say "Ah".
- Ah.
- DOCTOR: Ah.
- Ah.
- DOCTOR: Louder! - Ah! - DOCTOR: And pat yourself on the head with your other hand.
- (HE REPEATS "AH") - DOCTOR: Good, that's it, now hop up and down.
Good, now keep the eye blinking and the mouth opening and shutting.
- (HE REPEATS "AH" LOUDER) - Now louder! Faster! Faster! (HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh, this is a great job, what you can get people to do.
Alright, you can stop now.
Uh, now Mr Potter, um how much weight have you gained in the last three months? - Uh, two pounds? - No.
- Four pounds? - No.
- Eight pounds? - No.
- Twelve pounds? - No.
- Thirteen pounds? - No.
- Thirteen pounds, ten ounces.
- No.
- Very well, Mr Potter.
Open the box.
- What box? Wh Mr Potter, you have turned down thirteen pounds and ten ounces and let's see what you've won.
Mr Potter, you have turned down You did say you were married, Mr Potter? You have won a month's free supply of Ellison's new improved thigh rub.
Well, well done, Mr Potter.
And don't forget to join us again next week when it may be your turn to "Take Your Pick".
Goodbye, everyone! - (APPLAUSE) - I'm not coming here again.
(WITCH CACKLES) Adder's fork and blind worm's sting.
Lizard's leg, and howlett's wing.
Eye of newt and toe of frog.
Wool of bat and tongue of dog.
And to follow? - Just a coffee, please.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh! How spooky! And now for something completely different.
At this time of year, when Mother Nature has mantled the wintry landscape with her icy fingers our thoughts go fondly back to those lovely summer days when oh I've forgotten the rest, but it's something about cricket.
(IN A LOUD DISTORTED VOICE): My lords and ladies and gentlemen.
We now come to the main contest of the evening.
A heavyweight contest, five rounds, five minutes each round two falls, two submissions or a knockout to decide the winner And introducing your referee for the contest the Reverend Barney Garbett.
- (CROWD BOOS) - Ladies Ladies and gentlemen introducing, in the red corner meeting himself for the very first time The one and only.
.
Tiger Winthrop.
- I thank you.
- (CROWD CLAMOURS) (BELL RINGS) (HE BREATHES HEAVILY) (EFFORT GRUNTS) (HE GRUNTS) (HE SHOUTS) Argh! Argh! (HE SHOUTS) (BARELY INTELLIGIBLE): A-one! - A-two! - (HE GRUNTS) A-one! - A-two - (HE GRUNTS) (REFEREE BABBLES) (HE SHOUTS) (BARELY INTELLIGIBLE): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! - (TRIUMPHANT CRY) - (CROWD CHEERS) - (HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS) - (APPLAUSE) - (HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS) - (APPLAUSE) Now (THEME MUSIC TO "JAMES BOND" PLAYS) - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Come in.
AGENT: Ah, come in Mr Mr Leighton.
- Yes.
- Do come in, please.
- Thank you.
- Sit down, make yourself at home.
Good.
So, uh you're interested in joining the Secret Service, are you? - Yes I am.
- Splendid, splendid.
Now in this branch we need alert intelligent, active young men with good nerves.
- You have got good nerves, have you? - Yes, I think so.
Good, they're absolutely vital in the kind of work that everybody's (PHONE RINGS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Hello? Ah, yes.
Miss Jackson, would you bring in Mr Leighton's file, please? Thank you.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Won't be just one moment.
Ah, there you are Miss Jackson, on the desk there, please.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You're not Miss Jackson! Oh, yes you are.
Good disguise, well done Miss Jackson.
Um, one thing before you go.
Uh, what did you do with the the big file that was on my desk here yesterday? The one marked uh "top", no, no "highly secret" about all the, uh the nuclear nonsense.
I gave it to that foreign looking gentleman who called yesterday, sir.
(AUDIENCE GIGGLES) Do you play cricket? (HE SHOUTS): You're fired! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(HE SHOUTS): You're fired! Do you play cricket? - No, tennis, actually.
- Oh, I used to play cricket.
I remember on one occasion I I was bowling to an ex-county player he was actually, yes.
I gave him a half volley just outside the off-stump.
He put his left foot down the wicket, hit the ball back at me like a bullet.
Never had a chance to move.
Ball hit me straight between the eyes and I gave him a half volley just outside the off-stump.
He put his left foot down the wicket, hit the ball back at me like a bullet.
I never had a chance to move.
Ball hit (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I do beg your pardon.
Where was I? - Bowling.
- That's right.
Next ball I gave him a shorter, faster one.
He went on the back foot hit the ball back at me like a bullet.
Never had the chance to move.
Over the left shoulder, down to the side screen.
Fielder ran round, picked the ball up threw it in.
I was watching the wicket keeper.
Ball landed right on the back, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Last ball of the over Last ball of the over, I gave him a slower one.
Threw it right up in the air.
He came all the way down the wicket, took the ball on the full toss hit the ball back at me like a bullet.
Never had a chance to move.
Ball hit me straight smack plum between the eyes.
Course, I was getting used to it by then.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, what languages do you speak? French? - Yes.
- Good.
Uh, German? Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Ja, ich spreche ein wenig Deutsch und die wunder Wasser aufgestehen bungen Häuser You're not German, are you? - No.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, do you think you could take pain? Do you think you could put up with, um, physical torture? - I hope so, yes.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Yes Ahem Well, I had five, five years in a Jap camp you know, hm Or was it Malaya? No, Japanese, that was it.
- (HE SIGHS) - Got over it though.
Now, let's just have a look at your record, shall we? Just, uh, check up on a few details.
Oxford, first in modern languages tennis blue, you play the piano, mandolin - Oh, you play the mandolin, do you? - Yes.
- You're not Chinese are you? - No.
It's just as well.
We don't want Chinese in the Secret Service.
Pff-ff, pff-ff.
No jolly fear! They're not as bad as the Japs, you know.
The Japs come over the filing cabinet, there.
They're after the strawberries.
Do you see them? Do you want a strawberry? I mean, um Why Why do you want to j Ahem Why do you want to j Why do you want to j Why do you want to join the Why do you want to join the Why do you want to join the Bth bth A-bth (HE SHOUTS): Why do you want to join the Secret Service? - Well, my mother said it would be - Why do you want to join the Secret Service? - Well, it always seemed ex - Why do you want to join the Secret Service? - Well, like all small - Why do you want to join the Secret Service? Can you keep a secret? - Yes, I think so.
- Good.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, um any good at codes? - No, I'm afraid not.
- Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.
Uh, what would you say What would you say to the purple wombat claps its feet? - Oh, I'm afraid I've no idea.
- Well, have a go.
Well, I've absolutely no idea.
Come on man, don't be wet.
Have a go.
Alright, um The walls of Jericho are slimy green.
Quite right, well done.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, um coffee? Yes, please.
Hello, could we have two of those delicious coffees that you Hello? Uh, two coffees please.
Yes, cancel the other two.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) There's someone behind you.
(HE LAUGHS) Oh, dear me.
You mustn't be taken in by an old one.
- (HE GASPS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, one small thing I noticed back here, where are we? Um Ah yes, here.
Your second name.
Obolenskovitchsky.
- Not a Russian are you? - Yes, I am.
- You are a Russian.
- Yes.
Well, that's no good.
We don't want Russians in the Secret Service, do we? Wouldn't be secret.
Out you go then.
A Smith and Wesson 42, new revolving cattle pin holster file.
You know, when they brought that gun out about 1962 (GUNSHOT) Now The reason that I know that that was a blank that you fired at me then you see, is that there was practically no kick.
Did you notice that? Practically no kick at all.
And the other thing was, you see, the smoke that came out of the end of the barrel was greyish in colour.
Now, if you use a real bullet, you see, you get a quite distinctive sort of bluish tinge round the outside of the flame, you know, you can't mistake it, it's a sort of thing you pick up when you've been knocking around in the, uh branch for a year or, uh (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) two.
Hello? Uh, would you make that just one coffee please? Alright.
Eeee! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Now Now can I do my dance? - MAN: Not now! But last night you promised! MAN: Just do what we rehearsed! (SHE SIGHS) And now Bzzzzz! Bzzzzz! Bing! Bzzzzz! Bing! Bzzzzzz! Bing! Bzzzzzz! Bzzzzzz! (HE SMACKS LIPS) Bzzzzz! Waiter! Waiter, there's a man in my soup! - Bzzzzz! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) And now, I'd like to do my dance.
(SHE GRUNTS) (MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS) (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) Good evening and welcome to Treasure Trove.
Tonight, we're in the exquisite drawing room of DunRoamin which Ernst Lehmann built specially to house his magnificent collection.
With me as usual, is a panel of art experts who are going to try and identify just some of the magnificent objects in this collection.
On my left, professor Thaxborough Bronheim curator of the Cheltenham Museum of Fine Arts.
Next to him, Dr Alice Groinbalm of the Brownonian Institute.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - And on the end, an old friend of ours Professor Proudfoot, lecturer in Comparative Objects at Leicester.
With the introductions over, I think we can get straight on with the first object.
For those of you at home who want to pit your wits against the experts now's the time to close your eyes.
(HARP FLOURISH) Bronheim, would you like to start with this one? - Certainly.
Beautiful.
- Isn't it lovely? - Beautiful.
- Yes, isn't it lovely.
Well, it's Ming isn't it? Um, one of a pair, I'd say.
Fourth Dynasty.
- Fourth? - Oh, definitely fourth, yes.
Uh, Emperor Foo Tong, possibly Chow Tang.
Ah, no, no, there are the two dragons.
Yes, Foo Tong.
Mm.
What do you think, Groinbalm? Bronheim um, I think you're probably right on Ming.
Um I've got Louis XIV damask nose tweezers on my card but I think you're probably nearer the mark.
Anyway, you certainly are correct, it is part of a pair because fortunately, we have the other one here.
Could you pass it along to Proudfoot who didn't get a chance to have a proper look at it.
This is probably a little unfair, Proudfoot but did you get a chance to identify it? Well, I'd go along with Bronheim entirely on that one.
Fourth Dynasty, Foo Tong Fourth Dynasty Foo Tong.
- It was a beautiful piece.
- And its value? - Who can say? - Quite.
Could we have the next object, please.
(HARP FLOURISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Bronheim Oh, enchanting.
- Isn't it enchanting? - BRONHEIM: Absolutely enchanting.
Well, Staffordshire figurine.
Late eighteenth century, but this is really more your field than mine, um Proudfoot.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh, perfect, perfect.
A perfect Molesworth.
Yes, can't mistake it.
There's only one of these.
What wouldn't I give to own one of these? But where would I get £60,000? CHAIRMAN: Where would any of us? Yes, yes, Staffordshire figurine.
- Thomas Molesworth - Date? Date, 1789.
Or a little earlier, '87 something like that (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - And it's value, Proudfoot? - About the same as the Ming vase.
The next object is a a really rather lovely piece.
If you can see this one here.
Its rather delicate clock mechanism, which (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) which I don't think we need bother with just at the moment.
Uh um, could we have a stone do you think, please? (HARP FLOURISH) Bronheim, I think you'll recognise this one.
Oh, yes.
Yes, this is an old favourite.
- The El Brahmin Diamond.
- Brahmin? - Yes.
- Brahmin brahoo! Proudfoot, isn't there some sort of legend attached to this diamond? Yes, there is, you know.
There's rather a romantic story attached to this that if this diamond should ever disappear and evil genie will descend to Earth and destroy five million Wahtoopsi.
(HE LAUGHS): That's very nice, yes.
- But wrong.
Arabs.
- PROUDFOOT: Arabs.
Nevertheless, this diamond has survived floods, earthquakes and even the great fire of the Imperial Palace.
(DIAMOND TAPS ON CHAIR) Showing just how indestructible it is.
Oh, uh, pity So much for five million Arabs.
And now we pass next on to the next object, which is, of course - a chair.
- BRONHEIM: Ah, yes.
Well, early Chippendale, I should say.
- Early Chippendale, you'd say? - (WOOD SPLINTERS) (EXPERTS CHATTER INDISTINCTLY) (COLUMN CLATTERS) (EXPERTS CHATTER INDISTINCTLY) CHAIRMAN: I think that's all we've got time for - (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) - (AXE BANGS) (GROINBALM YELLS) CHAIRMAN: it's goodbye from us until next week (MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS) (MUSIC DISTORTS) (HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS) Excuse me, sir.
Uh Can you tell me what you think of At Last The 1948 Show? Well, it's rather difficult to say what's, uh - what's good about it.
- But do you like it? Well, I don't know whether I like it or not.
Yes or no? Yes, I do like it! Thank you.
(HE LAUGHS) NARRATOR: That was a Rediffusion London production.
Never before such a star-studded cast (MUSIC: "THE CORSAIR OVERTURE" BY BERLIOZ) Tempestuous Tim Brooke-Taylor in the role of a lifetime.
You loved with him in "Song of Budapest".
You rode with him in "Desert Tigers".
You fought with him in "Old Vienna".
- Why can't you leave me alone? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (MUSIC: "FIFTH SYMPHONY" BY BEETHOVEN) NARRATOR: Enigmatic Graham Chapman at his most enigmatic as Captain Tab Boob-Groper - (MUSIC STOPS) - (HE GASPS) - Indians? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (MUSIC: "A NIGHT ON BARE MOUNTAIN" BY MUSSORGSKY) NARRATOR: Introducing enchanting child star Marty Feldman as the sinister Count Mollusc.
(MUSIC STOPS) My life, have I got news for you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (MUSIC: "ROSE OF ENGLAND" BY IVOR NOVELLO) NARRATOR: Vivacious John Cleese and his fire-eating penguin as the eminent, power-seeking QC Sir Habbakuk Vulture Pant Where were you on the evening of 14th July? WITNESS: Why? Well, I waited up all night for you and you never came home! NARRATOR: From the pages Of Leo de Groot's great classic ",A Better Life Through Herbal Tobacco" Rediffusion presents At Last The 1948 Show And introducing your hostess for tonight.
.
Aimi MacDonald (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) - Hello, I'm your hostess for tonight.
- (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) and I know we're going to have just lots of fun.
- Well, that's quite enough of me.
- (SHE GIGGLES) And so, I'd like to introduce the first item.
The first item.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Ah, come in Mr Potter.
Very nice to see you again, sir.
My name is Wilson and I've never seen you before.
Splendid, splendid.
I do hope you haven't been waiting long.
I've been waiting for just over two days.
My appointment was for Wednesday at twelve o'clock.
It's now Friday evening.
Yes, well I'm afraid the last patient did take rather a long time.
And yesterday was such a lovely day.
Actually I was hoping to get away early this afternoon.
Are there many still in the waiting room? There are over 150 people in the waiting room.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) it's a very small waiting room and it's a very hot day.
Isn't it hot? Yes, isn't it hot? There is also a dead dog in the waiting room.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh dear, is that still there? Hm, yes.
I must remember to get it moved.
Now, what have you come to see me about? Don't be shy, you can tell me.
Do you want to join the police or is it singing lessons? - It's my legs.
- Your legs? Trouble with your legs, eh? Well, you've come to the right man.
I'm a doctor, you know.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - A fully qualified doctor.
And I can speak French and I can ski.
Now, what sort of a hat were you thinking of? - A nice tall one with a big brim? - It's my legs! - I've come to see about my legs.
- Your legs? - Are they ill? Are your legs ill? - They're getting thin.
Ah! An attack of thin legs! Well, well, well, it has been a good week! Two trench mouths, a parrot fever and now thin legs.
Well, well, well! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - How thin? Embarrassingly thin.
Embarrassingly thin legs, eh? Well, let's have a look at them then.
Take your bags down.
Come on, come on! They are thin, aren't they? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) DOCTOR: They are thin! Aren't they thin? (IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): They're fantastically thin! DOCTOR: Look at old spindleshanks! - Doctor, I didn't come here to be insulted! - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That was unprofessional, I'm sorry.
Uh, do you think I could ask the people in the waiting room just to come in and have a quick look? No! Alright, put your bags back on, then.
Uh, nurse.
I may want you in a moment, darling.
So get some clothes on.
- Uh now, Mr Potter.
- Wilson.
Mr Wilson, how's the eyesight? Can you read this card? - Yes.
- Well? A-J-G-4-7-3-2-1-O-K-B - 4-8-1-O-B - Yes.
It's from my aunt in Brighton.
She must be out of her mind.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Now, uh Legs, legs, legs, legs, legs.
Can you touch your toes alright? - No.
- You can't touch your toes? Well, how do you wash them then, you dirty little man? Grubbing round my surgery with your filthy feet! Urgh! Urgh! Can you stand on one leg? Now open your mouth.
- Does that hurt? - Uh.
No? Alright, now blink your left eye and move your right arm up and down by the side of your body.
That's it, good.
Now say "Ah".
- Ah.
- DOCTOR: Ah.
- Ah.
- DOCTOR: Louder! - Ah! - DOCTOR: And pat yourself on the head with your other hand.
- (HE REPEATS "AH") - DOCTOR: Good, that's it, now hop up and down.
Good, now keep the eye blinking and the mouth opening and shutting.
- (HE REPEATS "AH" LOUDER) - Now louder! Faster! Faster! (HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh, this is a great job, what you can get people to do.
Alright, you can stop now.
Uh, now Mr Potter, um how much weight have you gained in the last three months? - Uh, two pounds? - No.
- Four pounds? - No.
- Eight pounds? - No.
- Twelve pounds? - No.
- Thirteen pounds? - No.
- Thirteen pounds, ten ounces.
- No.
- Very well, Mr Potter.
Open the box.
- What box? Wh Mr Potter, you have turned down thirteen pounds and ten ounces and let's see what you've won.
Mr Potter, you have turned down You did say you were married, Mr Potter? You have won a month's free supply of Ellison's new improved thigh rub.
Well, well done, Mr Potter.
And don't forget to join us again next week when it may be your turn to "Take Your Pick".
Goodbye, everyone! - (APPLAUSE) - I'm not coming here again.
(WITCH CACKLES) Adder's fork and blind worm's sting.
Lizard's leg, and howlett's wing.
Eye of newt and toe of frog.
Wool of bat and tongue of dog.
And to follow? - Just a coffee, please.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh! How spooky! And now for something completely different.
At this time of year, when Mother Nature has mantled the wintry landscape with her icy fingers our thoughts go fondly back to those lovely summer days when oh I've forgotten the rest, but it's something about cricket.
(IN A LOUD DISTORTED VOICE): My lords and ladies and gentlemen.
We now come to the main contest of the evening.
A heavyweight contest, five rounds, five minutes each round two falls, two submissions or a knockout to decide the winner And introducing your referee for the contest the Reverend Barney Garbett.
- (CROWD BOOS) - Ladies Ladies and gentlemen introducing, in the red corner meeting himself for the very first time The one and only.
.
Tiger Winthrop.
- I thank you.
- (CROWD CLAMOURS) (BELL RINGS) (HE BREATHES HEAVILY) (EFFORT GRUNTS) (HE GRUNTS) (HE SHOUTS) Argh! Argh! (HE SHOUTS) (BARELY INTELLIGIBLE): A-one! - A-two! - (HE GRUNTS) A-one! - A-two - (HE GRUNTS) (REFEREE BABBLES) (HE SHOUTS) (BARELY INTELLIGIBLE): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! - (TRIUMPHANT CRY) - (CROWD CHEERS) - (HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS) - (APPLAUSE) - (HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS) - (APPLAUSE) Now (THEME MUSIC TO "JAMES BOND" PLAYS) - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Come in.
AGENT: Ah, come in Mr Mr Leighton.
- Yes.
- Do come in, please.
- Thank you.
- Sit down, make yourself at home.
Good.
So, uh you're interested in joining the Secret Service, are you? - Yes I am.
- Splendid, splendid.
Now in this branch we need alert intelligent, active young men with good nerves.
- You have got good nerves, have you? - Yes, I think so.
Good, they're absolutely vital in the kind of work that everybody's (PHONE RINGS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Hello? Ah, yes.
Miss Jackson, would you bring in Mr Leighton's file, please? Thank you.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Won't be just one moment.
Ah, there you are Miss Jackson, on the desk there, please.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You're not Miss Jackson! Oh, yes you are.
Good disguise, well done Miss Jackson.
Um, one thing before you go.
Uh, what did you do with the the big file that was on my desk here yesterday? The one marked uh "top", no, no "highly secret" about all the, uh the nuclear nonsense.
I gave it to that foreign looking gentleman who called yesterday, sir.
(AUDIENCE GIGGLES) Do you play cricket? (HE SHOUTS): You're fired! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(HE SHOUTS): You're fired! Do you play cricket? - No, tennis, actually.
- Oh, I used to play cricket.
I remember on one occasion I I was bowling to an ex-county player he was actually, yes.
I gave him a half volley just outside the off-stump.
He put his left foot down the wicket, hit the ball back at me like a bullet.
Never had a chance to move.
Ball hit me straight between the eyes and I gave him a half volley just outside the off-stump.
He put his left foot down the wicket, hit the ball back at me like a bullet.
I never had a chance to move.
Ball hit (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I do beg your pardon.
Where was I? - Bowling.
- That's right.
Next ball I gave him a shorter, faster one.
He went on the back foot hit the ball back at me like a bullet.
Never had the chance to move.
Over the left shoulder, down to the side screen.
Fielder ran round, picked the ball up threw it in.
I was watching the wicket keeper.
Ball landed right on the back, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Last ball of the over Last ball of the over, I gave him a slower one.
Threw it right up in the air.
He came all the way down the wicket, took the ball on the full toss hit the ball back at me like a bullet.
Never had a chance to move.
Ball hit me straight smack plum between the eyes.
Course, I was getting used to it by then.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, what languages do you speak? French? - Yes.
- Good.
Uh, German? Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Ja, ich spreche ein wenig Deutsch und die wunder Wasser aufgestehen bungen Häuser You're not German, are you? - No.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, do you think you could take pain? Do you think you could put up with, um, physical torture? - I hope so, yes.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Yes Ahem Well, I had five, five years in a Jap camp you know, hm Or was it Malaya? No, Japanese, that was it.
- (HE SIGHS) - Got over it though.
Now, let's just have a look at your record, shall we? Just, uh, check up on a few details.
Oxford, first in modern languages tennis blue, you play the piano, mandolin - Oh, you play the mandolin, do you? - Yes.
- You're not Chinese are you? - No.
It's just as well.
We don't want Chinese in the Secret Service.
Pff-ff, pff-ff.
No jolly fear! They're not as bad as the Japs, you know.
The Japs come over the filing cabinet, there.
They're after the strawberries.
Do you see them? Do you want a strawberry? I mean, um Why Why do you want to j Ahem Why do you want to j Why do you want to j Why do you want to join the Why do you want to join the Why do you want to join the Bth bth A-bth (HE SHOUTS): Why do you want to join the Secret Service? - Well, my mother said it would be - Why do you want to join the Secret Service? - Well, it always seemed ex - Why do you want to join the Secret Service? - Well, like all small - Why do you want to join the Secret Service? Can you keep a secret? - Yes, I think so.
- Good.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, um any good at codes? - No, I'm afraid not.
- Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.
Uh, what would you say What would you say to the purple wombat claps its feet? - Oh, I'm afraid I've no idea.
- Well, have a go.
Well, I've absolutely no idea.
Come on man, don't be wet.
Have a go.
Alright, um The walls of Jericho are slimy green.
Quite right, well done.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, um coffee? Yes, please.
Hello, could we have two of those delicious coffees that you Hello? Uh, two coffees please.
Yes, cancel the other two.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) There's someone behind you.
(HE LAUGHS) Oh, dear me.
You mustn't be taken in by an old one.
- (HE GASPS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, one small thing I noticed back here, where are we? Um Ah yes, here.
Your second name.
Obolenskovitchsky.
- Not a Russian are you? - Yes, I am.
- You are a Russian.
- Yes.
Well, that's no good.
We don't want Russians in the Secret Service, do we? Wouldn't be secret.
Out you go then.
A Smith and Wesson 42, new revolving cattle pin holster file.
You know, when they brought that gun out about 1962 (GUNSHOT) Now The reason that I know that that was a blank that you fired at me then you see, is that there was practically no kick.
Did you notice that? Practically no kick at all.
And the other thing was, you see, the smoke that came out of the end of the barrel was greyish in colour.
Now, if you use a real bullet, you see, you get a quite distinctive sort of bluish tinge round the outside of the flame, you know, you can't mistake it, it's a sort of thing you pick up when you've been knocking around in the, uh branch for a year or, uh (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) two.
Hello? Uh, would you make that just one coffee please? Alright.
Eeee! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Now Now can I do my dance? - MAN: Not now! But last night you promised! MAN: Just do what we rehearsed! (SHE SIGHS) And now Bzzzzz! Bzzzzz! Bing! Bzzzzz! Bing! Bzzzzzz! Bing! Bzzzzzz! Bzzzzzz! (HE SMACKS LIPS) Bzzzzz! Waiter! Waiter, there's a man in my soup! - Bzzzzz! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) And now, I'd like to do my dance.
(SHE GRUNTS) (MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS) (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) Good evening and welcome to Treasure Trove.
Tonight, we're in the exquisite drawing room of DunRoamin which Ernst Lehmann built specially to house his magnificent collection.
With me as usual, is a panel of art experts who are going to try and identify just some of the magnificent objects in this collection.
On my left, professor Thaxborough Bronheim curator of the Cheltenham Museum of Fine Arts.
Next to him, Dr Alice Groinbalm of the Brownonian Institute.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - And on the end, an old friend of ours Professor Proudfoot, lecturer in Comparative Objects at Leicester.
With the introductions over, I think we can get straight on with the first object.
For those of you at home who want to pit your wits against the experts now's the time to close your eyes.
(HARP FLOURISH) Bronheim, would you like to start with this one? - Certainly.
Beautiful.
- Isn't it lovely? - Beautiful.
- Yes, isn't it lovely.
Well, it's Ming isn't it? Um, one of a pair, I'd say.
Fourth Dynasty.
- Fourth? - Oh, definitely fourth, yes.
Uh, Emperor Foo Tong, possibly Chow Tang.
Ah, no, no, there are the two dragons.
Yes, Foo Tong.
Mm.
What do you think, Groinbalm? Bronheim um, I think you're probably right on Ming.
Um I've got Louis XIV damask nose tweezers on my card but I think you're probably nearer the mark.
Anyway, you certainly are correct, it is part of a pair because fortunately, we have the other one here.
Could you pass it along to Proudfoot who didn't get a chance to have a proper look at it.
This is probably a little unfair, Proudfoot but did you get a chance to identify it? Well, I'd go along with Bronheim entirely on that one.
Fourth Dynasty, Foo Tong Fourth Dynasty Foo Tong.
- It was a beautiful piece.
- And its value? - Who can say? - Quite.
Could we have the next object, please.
(HARP FLOURISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Bronheim Oh, enchanting.
- Isn't it enchanting? - BRONHEIM: Absolutely enchanting.
Well, Staffordshire figurine.
Late eighteenth century, but this is really more your field than mine, um Proudfoot.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh, perfect, perfect.
A perfect Molesworth.
Yes, can't mistake it.
There's only one of these.
What wouldn't I give to own one of these? But where would I get £60,000? CHAIRMAN: Where would any of us? Yes, yes, Staffordshire figurine.
- Thomas Molesworth - Date? Date, 1789.
Or a little earlier, '87 something like that (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - And it's value, Proudfoot? - About the same as the Ming vase.
The next object is a a really rather lovely piece.
If you can see this one here.
Its rather delicate clock mechanism, which (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) which I don't think we need bother with just at the moment.
Uh um, could we have a stone do you think, please? (HARP FLOURISH) Bronheim, I think you'll recognise this one.
Oh, yes.
Yes, this is an old favourite.
- The El Brahmin Diamond.
- Brahmin? - Yes.
- Brahmin brahoo! Proudfoot, isn't there some sort of legend attached to this diamond? Yes, there is, you know.
There's rather a romantic story attached to this that if this diamond should ever disappear and evil genie will descend to Earth and destroy five million Wahtoopsi.
(HE LAUGHS): That's very nice, yes.
- But wrong.
Arabs.
- PROUDFOOT: Arabs.
Nevertheless, this diamond has survived floods, earthquakes and even the great fire of the Imperial Palace.
(DIAMOND TAPS ON CHAIR) Showing just how indestructible it is.
Oh, uh, pity So much for five million Arabs.
And now we pass next on to the next object, which is, of course - a chair.
- BRONHEIM: Ah, yes.
Well, early Chippendale, I should say.
- Early Chippendale, you'd say? - (WOOD SPLINTERS) (EXPERTS CHATTER INDISTINCTLY) (COLUMN CLATTERS) (EXPERTS CHATTER INDISTINCTLY) CHAIRMAN: I think that's all we've got time for - (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) - (AXE BANGS) (GROINBALM YELLS) CHAIRMAN: it's goodbye from us until next week (MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS) (MUSIC DISTORTS) (HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS) Excuse me, sir.
Uh Can you tell me what you think of At Last The 1948 Show? Well, it's rather difficult to say what's, uh - what's good about it.
- But do you like it? Well, I don't know whether I like it or not.
Yes or no? Yes, I do like it! Thank you.
(HE LAUGHS) NARRATOR: That was a Rediffusion London production.